[AM on the phone in her trailer]
AM: Look, I'm not asking you to actually hire her. Just make it look like you're still interested!
AM: Since when has anyone in the entertainment industry had ethics?
AM: Sure I've have plenty of bosses other than them!
AM: And they... well... OK, what's the point again?
AM: I'm begging you! Ethics is a small price to pay for someone's sanity isn't it?
AM: Soul, ethics, whatever. You know what I mean...
[AM sees ED approaching through the window]
AM: Look, I gotta go. Seriously, consider it, OK? [She motions ED in]
ED: So, um, is this going to be a lecture about what a traitor I am?
AM: No. Not at all. [Holds up a plate] Brownie?
ED: No thanks.
AM: [Takes one herself] Your loss. [munches away]
ED: So if you didn't call me over here to bitch me out for the umteenth time why am I here?
AM: I'm been doing a lot of reflecting recently. Trying to improve myself.
ED: Yeah, I've been reading your blog.
AM: You like it?
ED: It's not going to get you into the FHM top 20 but if you like thinking it's nice.
AM: Anyway, like I said I've been doing a lot of reflecting and have decided it was wrong to treat you the way I did.
ED: Did you know I beat out Christina Aguilera two years in a row?
AM: Are you listening to me?!?!
ED: You've got to be pretty hot to beat her out, right?
AM: Erica...
ED: If fact, according to that list I am the sexist Lois Lane!
AM: I'm trying to apologize here!
ED: [Stunned] Really?
AM: Absolutely. And the more I think about it the more I think you had good reason to try out for those other shows.
ED: Well thanks.
AM: In fact... with the direction they've taken Lois if I were you I'd use the fact I had another offer to my advantage.
ED: What do you mean the direction they took Lois?
AM: The whole tabloid reporter thing. It's really a slap in the face for you, your character, and your fans.
ED: At least they didn't turn Lois into a meteor freak.
AM: It's meteor infected!
ED: Right.
AM: And you know? I'm sure I can get over that somehow. Who I'm concerned about right now is you.
ED: Are you OK Allison? Did Michael bring in those brownies?
AM: I baked them myself. Where were we? Yes. Who knows what they have planned for next year.
ED: They said Lois would wind up at the Planet.
AM: Sure. But you know Al and Miles. They might mean she winds up at the planet as a janitor.
ED: As a janitor? Why would they do that?
AM: Because they think it's funny.
ED: Could we get Carol Burnett to co-star?
AM: Wha?
ED: Didn't Carol start out as a cleaning lady and end up being a big star? It could work the same way with Lois.
AM: No. She wasn't a cleaning lady. It was a role she played. She won an emmy for it.
ED: Ah. So janitor could be Lois' under cover persona at the Planet. The story it allows her to tell wins her a Pulitzer!
AM: No.
ED: That would be funny.
AM: [Sigh] No. It would be tragic. Besides, they don't care about Lois' development.
ED: Sure they do.
AM: Lois winning a Pulitzer on this show is as likely as...
ED: As likely as Lois almost getting hit by a flying barn door?
AM: No.
ED: As likely as Lex's superhuman prototype just happening to be her first kiss?
AM: No.
ED: As likely as...
AM: Stop!
ED: Jeez, you're testy. Maybe Michael does need to bring you some brownies.
AM: Erica, is that how you want Lois to be remembered? Toting a mop around?
ED: Well, it's not very sexy...
AM: Exactly!
ED: ... unless she was in a french maid outfit.
AM: Erica!
ED: Now you're going to bitch me out again, aren't you?
AM: [Deep breath] No. I'm just trying to tell you Al & Miles don't have Lois' best interest at heart.
ED: Sure they do.
AM: How confident are you about that?
ED: Pretty confident?
[Silence]
ED: Somewhat confident?
[Silence]
ED: Not very confident?
AM: The truth of the matter is you can't count on them.
ED: You're the one who wanted them back.
AM: Don't interrupt.
ED: Whatever.
AM: You still have an offer from that other show, right? The wacky neighbor thing?
ED: Sure, I guess.
AM: What you need to do is...
ED: But they probably already gave the role to someone else by now.
AM: Don't be ridiculous!
ED: I told them I wasn't going to leave Smallville and to find someone else. They said they would.
AM: Come on, Erica, how are they going to replace you?
ED: [blushes] Oh.. Still I don't want to leave the show.
AM: You're not going to leave the show! You're just going to... Look, do you want Lois to like an idiot?
ED: No, of course not.
AM: Then this is what you have to do...
Next
JG & AM meet for lunch
JG: [to the waiter] ..and if the vinaigrette isn't on the side so help me they'll find you in a dumpster next week!
Waiter: Yes sir.
AM: I'm so glad we had a chance to get together!
JG: Feeling is mutual. How's Michael?
AM: You know Michael and I don't...
JG: Surely you've heard through the rest of the cast.
AM: The rest of the cast and I don't...
JG: Don't what?
[The waiter serves each of them a bowl of soup]
AM: I'm a bit of a pariah ever since the "Dallas" thing.
JG: Oh, that. Well if I can forgive you I'm sure everyone else can.
AM: You forgave me because you got written off the show.
JG: Right.
AM: So what are you saying? Everyone else will forgive me once they've been written off the show?
JG: Sure. Why not? Or at least the ones who want off the show. I mean Kristen is talking to you, right?
AM: The ice has thawed a bit since she found out Lana was going to die.
JG: See! Things will work out.
AM: Tom doesn't want written off the show.
JG: Screw Tom! Writing him off the show would be the best thing they could do.
AM: He's the star.
JG: He's bringing everyone else down. [Tastes his soup] Dammit, man! This soup is stone cold!
Waiter: It's gazpacho, sir.
JG: It's cold is what it is!
AM: John, gazpacho is supposed to be cold.
JG: Oh. [To the waiter] Take it away. I don't want it.
AM: So, John, with all your new found freedom what do you have on tap following the Drowsy ... whatever?
JG: The Drowsy Chaperone, Allison, the Drowsy Chaperone.
AM: Whatever.
JG: I'm hitting the big time!
AM: Broadway?
[Their salads arrive. JG inspects his carefully before for drizzling it with dressing]
JG: [irritated] No. Not the big time. Just the big time.
AM: Hollywood?
JG: Honestly, Allison, are you just trying to bring me down here?
AM: No.
JG: Situation comedy.
AM: Oh. That big time.
JG: Don't mock.
AM: You know we're going to miss you.
JG: Yeah. Could we get through lunch without blubbering all over me?
AM: [Looks down at her phone] Oh crap!
JG: What is it?
AM: Al.
JG: Al? What's he calling you for?
AM: I don't know. [Turns off her ringer] Maybe it's good you've found something else after all.
JG: It's going to be on CBS, that Father Knows Best remake Erica tried out for last year.
AM: Oh. So they're going to do that show after all?
JG: It was on ice for a while but they need something to follow that piece of crap Charlie Sheen is on.
AM: I knew it! Erica is going to be leaving us after all! The two timing little...
JG: Why do you say that?
AM: Wasn't that her show?
JG: Well it's my show now.
AM: I thought they were in contract negotiation before things fell through.
JG: Things fell through when they heard Smallville was on for season seven. They've got someone else for the wacky neighbor.
AM: So Erica didn't get it.
JG: No. They gave it to this other really cute little girl. She was on the CW too, I believe? Poor thing's show got cancelled. I think it would have gone to Erica otherwise.
AM: The traitor.
JG: The girls looks a lot like you actually.
AM: [Pause] Not Kristen Bell?
JG: Eh, maybe. Had a detective show or something. Real sweetheart. You know her?
AM: Kristen Bell is going to be on CBS?!?
JG: Yeah. Lucky break.
AM: Now everybody is going to mistake me for her, dammit!
JG: What are you talking about?
AM: It was bad enough when she was on some back water network on a show with half as many viewers as Smallville. But now...
JG: Allison, do you have something personal against this Gong girl?
AM: No. And it's Bell, not Gong.
JG: Right. She doesn't look Asian.
AM: That would be Wong, John, Wong.
JG: Right. So it's Kristen Wong.
AM: No! Bell. Kristen Bell!
JG: You wouldn't think that would be hard to remember. Why are you so upset?
AM: It's just... and Erica!
JG: Erica what?
AM: After all I did for her!
JG: What did you do for Erica?
AM: She doesn't deserve to be on Smallville!
JG: None of us deserve it. It's a shame she wasn't able to get out like I did. But that's life. Not everyone can be as lucky as me.
AM: Now there's an idea...
JG: [Concerned] Allison... there's that look again.
AM: What look?
JG: Trouble.
AM: Don't worry, John. It doesn't involve you.
JG: I've heard that before.
AM: Seriously, don't worry.
JG: Allison, whatever you're planning maybe you should think it through first!
AM: [She tosses a few bills on the table as she gets up] Thanks for meeting me, John. You've been a great help! [rushes off]
JG: Allison! Wait! [Looks at the money AM left on the table] Was she really going to tip that buffoon that much?!!? [Surreptitiously pulls a few bills off the table and puts them in his pocket. Then raises his hand] Check please!
Next
Waiter: Yes sir.
AM: I'm so glad we had a chance to get together!
JG: Feeling is mutual. How's Michael?
AM: You know Michael and I don't...
JG: Surely you've heard through the rest of the cast.
AM: The rest of the cast and I don't...
JG: Don't what?
[The waiter serves each of them a bowl of soup]
AM: I'm a bit of a pariah ever since the "Dallas" thing.
JG: Oh, that. Well if I can forgive you I'm sure everyone else can.
AM: You forgave me because you got written off the show.
JG: Right.
AM: So what are you saying? Everyone else will forgive me once they've been written off the show?
JG: Sure. Why not? Or at least the ones who want off the show. I mean Kristen is talking to you, right?
AM: The ice has thawed a bit since she found out Lana was going to die.
JG: See! Things will work out.
AM: Tom doesn't want written off the show.
JG: Screw Tom! Writing him off the show would be the best thing they could do.
AM: He's the star.
JG: He's bringing everyone else down. [Tastes his soup] Dammit, man! This soup is stone cold!
Waiter: It's gazpacho, sir.
JG: It's cold is what it is!
AM: John, gazpacho is supposed to be cold.
JG: Oh. [To the waiter] Take it away. I don't want it.
AM: So, John, with all your new found freedom what do you have on tap following the Drowsy ... whatever?
JG: The Drowsy Chaperone, Allison, the Drowsy Chaperone.
AM: Whatever.
JG: I'm hitting the big time!
AM: Broadway?
[Their salads arrive. JG inspects his carefully before for drizzling it with dressing]
JG: [irritated] No. Not the big time. Just the big time.
AM: Hollywood?
JG: Honestly, Allison, are you just trying to bring me down here?
AM: No.
JG: Situation comedy.
AM: Oh. That big time.
JG: Don't mock.
AM: You know we're going to miss you.
JG: Yeah. Could we get through lunch without blubbering all over me?
AM: [Looks down at her phone] Oh crap!
JG: What is it?
AM: Al.
JG: Al? What's he calling you for?
AM: I don't know. [Turns off her ringer] Maybe it's good you've found something else after all.
JG: It's going to be on CBS, that Father Knows Best remake Erica tried out for last year.
AM: Oh. So they're going to do that show after all?
JG: It was on ice for a while but they need something to follow that piece of crap Charlie Sheen is on.
AM: I knew it! Erica is going to be leaving us after all! The two timing little...
JG: Why do you say that?
AM: Wasn't that her show?
JG: Well it's my show now.
AM: I thought they were in contract negotiation before things fell through.
JG: Things fell through when they heard Smallville was on for season seven. They've got someone else for the wacky neighbor.
AM: So Erica didn't get it.
JG: No. They gave it to this other really cute little girl. She was on the CW too, I believe? Poor thing's show got cancelled. I think it would have gone to Erica otherwise.
AM: The traitor.
JG: The girls looks a lot like you actually.
AM: [Pause] Not Kristen Bell?
JG: Eh, maybe. Had a detective show or something. Real sweetheart. You know her?
AM: Kristen Bell is going to be on CBS?!?
JG: Yeah. Lucky break.
AM: Now everybody is going to mistake me for her, dammit!
JG: What are you talking about?
AM: It was bad enough when she was on some back water network on a show with half as many viewers as Smallville. But now...
JG: Allison, do you have something personal against this Gong girl?
AM: No. And it's Bell, not Gong.
JG: Right. She doesn't look Asian.
AM: That would be Wong, John, Wong.
JG: Right. So it's Kristen Wong.
AM: No! Bell. Kristen Bell!
JG: You wouldn't think that would be hard to remember. Why are you so upset?
AM: It's just... and Erica!
JG: Erica what?
AM: After all I did for her!
JG: What did you do for Erica?
AM: She doesn't deserve to be on Smallville!
JG: None of us deserve it. It's a shame she wasn't able to get out like I did. But that's life. Not everyone can be as lucky as me.
AM: Now there's an idea...
JG: [Concerned] Allison... there's that look again.
AM: What look?
JG: Trouble.
AM: Don't worry, John. It doesn't involve you.
JG: I've heard that before.
AM: Seriously, don't worry.
JG: Allison, whatever you're planning maybe you should think it through first!
AM: [She tosses a few bills on the table as she gets up] Thanks for meeting me, John. You've been a great help! [rushes off]
JG: Allison! Wait! [Looks at the money AM left on the table] Was she really going to tip that buffoon that much?!!? [Surreptitiously pulls a few bills off the table and puts them in his pocket. Then raises his hand] Check please!
Next
This has all happened before...
[AG & MM offices. SDK enters.]
MM: Glad you could make it, Steven.
SDK: Can we make this short? My flight for L.A. leaves in a few hours and I haven't finished packing yet.
AG: Sure. You're fired.
SDK: You can't fire me. I've already quit.
MM: Technically you resigned.
SDK: What's the difference?
AG: When you resign there's an effective date.
MM: We can still fire you as long as it's before the effective date.
SDK: But today's the effective date. I'm in the process of cleaning out my office.
AG: Which means we can fire you as long as we do it before the end of the day!
MM: Go pack up your office!
SDK: That's what I was doing! [Begins to exit.]
AG: This is all your fault!
SDK: [Pauses and turns back around] OK. I'll bite, a little Buffy humor there, what's all my fault?
MM: Everything!
SDK: Seriously, Miles, everything can't be...
AG: The ratings!
SDK: It wasn't my idea to...
MM: The fan revolt!
SDK: The fan what?
AG: Thanks to you and your damn Writer's Guild.
SDK: Excuse me?
MM: The whole deep sixing the cast's version of season six has a segment of fans all in a tizzy.
SDK: The cast episodes weren't professionally written...
AG: So on your suggestion we work the actors' asses off...
MM: So we can film and air forty five episodes in one year under the pretense of improving ratings.
SDK: Nor are they members of the Guild!
AG: "New episodes of Smallville all year long!" you said. "Rating will soar!" you said.
MM: Only to find out your silly union wants us to forget their episodes ever existed.
SDK: Frankly their episodes weren't all that great.
AG: Their episodes weren't the ones that dropped over a million viewers over the course of the season.
SDK: Guild rules...
MM: Yeah, we know all about Guild rules, now. We got an earful out of your lawyers.
AG: So fans wind up feeling gypped when the DVD set only has twenty-two episodes.
SDK: The good twenty-two episodes.
AG: There were a lot of fans who wanted to make fan videos from the scenes of Clark and Chloe's brief romance.
MM: And we're not even allowed to re-air them.
SDK: Those episodes will eventually be erased from history, as they should be.
AG: You think?
SDK: Of course.
MM: Have you ever heard of YouTube?
SDK: Is it like mySpace?
MM: Yes. Except how it's not.
AG: The cast's entire season is available on-line and they're selling bootleg copies on DVD at fan conventions.
MM: One fan even asked me to sign his copy!
AG: No, that was a copy of the Lanarama book.
MM: Oh, right. I'm pretty hansom in those cartoons.
AG: Shut up!
MM: Just because you look like a buffon doesn't mean...
SDK: Look, are we done yet?
MM: No. They've labeled the cast written episodes season "5.5"
SDK: 5.5?
AG: Yeah. Apparently some other show labels their seasons that way.
MM: It's all kind of wack but this whole thing has really revved up the conspiracy theorists.
SDK: I've done all I can to quash the Chlois...
AG: We're not talking about that, you idiot!
SDK: I thought you said conspiracy...
MM: We did. The whole summer of Chlex is back.
SDK: Summer of Chlex? Back? What are you talking about?
AG: Somehow a couple people got this crazy idea Chloe and Lex hooked up between seasons three and four.
MM: And there's this rumor we even shot a few episodes based on this supposed relationship.
AG: That never happened.
AG: And that we buried them like we're burying the cast's episodes now.
MM: And so now they're calling these mythical episodes season 3.5.
AG: A few die hards have been scouring the globe...
MM: And Ebay
AG: ...for these "lost" episodes.
SDK: But they don't exist. What's the worry?
[A moment of silence as MM & AG eye each other nervously]
SDK: They do exist?
MM: No.
AG: No. Absolutely not.
SDK: So you called me in here to blame me for the fact there are a few fanatics out there searching for "lost" Smallville episodes that don't even exist?
MM: And for ruining our show.
AG: Yeah. That too.
SDK: But I didn't...
MM: Look, you did the writing.
SDK: I didn't...
AG: The whole Lana marries Lex thing was just a suggestion.
MM: You didn't actually have to go through with it.
SDK: You pretty much told us we did.
AG: We weren't serious.
SDK: You did everything but hold a gun to our heads.
MM: We did not.
SDK: You threatened to sic Allison on us.
AG: Well...
SDK: Well what?
AG: She's not that scary. Besides after the whole freak storyline broke she was mostly all bark and no bite.
MM: What are you talking about? I walked around with a limp for three days!
AG: I meant when it came to the whole Lex, Lana, & Clark triangle thing.
MM: Oh.
SDK: I don't care if you lay the blame on me. I'm leaving so you were probably going to say bad things about me anyway. I don't care. And the other writers would appreciate not having to take the fall.
AG: Oh, them. They're fired too.
SDK: All of them?
MM: Yeah. Budget cuts. Lose a million viewers lose a writing staff.
SDK: Please don't tell me you're going to have that bunch of hacks write another season.
AG: Actually we were thinking we'd just steal a bunch of fan fiction.
MM: Al, I spoke with legal. We can't do that.
AG: Oh. Yeah, we're going to have that bunch of hacks write another season.
SDK: [As he exits] Well good luck with that. [Once out of the office with the door closed] Suckers.
[Back inside the office]
AG: Are you sure that's a good idea, Miles? The cast is even more bitter than last time.
MM: We can't afford to pay anyone. Legal won't let us steal fan fic. You have any other bright ideas?
AG: I don't know. Maybe we should write some of the episodes?
MM: I'm tired of eating chicken.
AG: I thought you loved chicken.
MM: The thrill is gone.
AG: Right. I'll set up a meeting with Tom.
MM: Tom isn't talking to us anymore.
AG: Is Allison talking to us?
MM: Sort of.
AG: Sort of?
MM: Well, only because everyone else refuses to talk to her.
AG: Is the rest of the cast still afraid of her?
MM: More or less. I think. Although they might be at the point where they figure there's not much worse she could do to them.
AG: Either way she's our last best hope. I'll set up a meeting.
Next
MM: Glad you could make it, Steven.
SDK: Can we make this short? My flight for L.A. leaves in a few hours and I haven't finished packing yet.
AG: Sure. You're fired.
SDK: You can't fire me. I've already quit.
MM: Technically you resigned.
SDK: What's the difference?
AG: When you resign there's an effective date.
MM: We can still fire you as long as it's before the effective date.
SDK: But today's the effective date. I'm in the process of cleaning out my office.
AG: Which means we can fire you as long as we do it before the end of the day!
MM: Go pack up your office!
SDK: That's what I was doing! [Begins to exit.]
AG: This is all your fault!
SDK: [Pauses and turns back around] OK. I'll bite, a little Buffy humor there, what's all my fault?
MM: Everything!
SDK: Seriously, Miles, everything can't be...
AG: The ratings!
SDK: It wasn't my idea to...
MM: The fan revolt!
SDK: The fan what?
AG: Thanks to you and your damn Writer's Guild.
SDK: Excuse me?
MM: The whole deep sixing the cast's version of season six has a segment of fans all in a tizzy.
SDK: The cast episodes weren't professionally written...
AG: So on your suggestion we work the actors' asses off...
MM: So we can film and air forty five episodes in one year under the pretense of improving ratings.
SDK: Nor are they members of the Guild!
AG: "New episodes of Smallville all year long!" you said. "Rating will soar!" you said.
MM: Only to find out your silly union wants us to forget their episodes ever existed.
SDK: Frankly their episodes weren't all that great.
AG: Their episodes weren't the ones that dropped over a million viewers over the course of the season.
SDK: Guild rules...
MM: Yeah, we know all about Guild rules, now. We got an earful out of your lawyers.
AG: So fans wind up feeling gypped when the DVD set only has twenty-two episodes.
SDK: The good twenty-two episodes.
AG: There were a lot of fans who wanted to make fan videos from the scenes of Clark and Chloe's brief romance.
MM: And we're not even allowed to re-air them.
SDK: Those episodes will eventually be erased from history, as they should be.
AG: You think?
SDK: Of course.
MM: Have you ever heard of YouTube?
SDK: Is it like mySpace?
MM: Yes. Except how it's not.
AG: The cast's entire season is available on-line and they're selling bootleg copies on DVD at fan conventions.
MM: One fan even asked me to sign his copy!
AG: No, that was a copy of the Lanarama book.
MM: Oh, right. I'm pretty hansom in those cartoons.
AG: Shut up!
MM: Just because you look like a buffon doesn't mean...
SDK: Look, are we done yet?
MM: No. They've labeled the cast written episodes season "5.5"
SDK: 5.5?
AG: Yeah. Apparently some other show labels their seasons that way.
MM: It's all kind of wack but this whole thing has really revved up the conspiracy theorists.
SDK: I've done all I can to quash the Chlois...
AG: We're not talking about that, you idiot!
SDK: I thought you said conspiracy...
MM: We did. The whole summer of Chlex is back.
SDK: Summer of Chlex? Back? What are you talking about?
AG: Somehow a couple people got this crazy idea Chloe and Lex hooked up between seasons three and four.
MM: And there's this rumor we even shot a few episodes based on this supposed relationship.
AG: That never happened.
AG: And that we buried them like we're burying the cast's episodes now.
MM: And so now they're calling these mythical episodes season 3.5.
AG: A few die hards have been scouring the globe...
MM: And Ebay
AG: ...for these "lost" episodes.
SDK: But they don't exist. What's the worry?
[A moment of silence as MM & AG eye each other nervously]
SDK: They do exist?
MM: No.
AG: No. Absolutely not.
SDK: So you called me in here to blame me for the fact there are a few fanatics out there searching for "lost" Smallville episodes that don't even exist?
MM: And for ruining our show.
AG: Yeah. That too.
SDK: But I didn't...
MM: Look, you did the writing.
SDK: I didn't...
AG: The whole Lana marries Lex thing was just a suggestion.
MM: You didn't actually have to go through with it.
SDK: You pretty much told us we did.
AG: We weren't serious.
SDK: You did everything but hold a gun to our heads.
MM: We did not.
SDK: You threatened to sic Allison on us.
AG: Well...
SDK: Well what?
AG: She's not that scary. Besides after the whole freak storyline broke she was mostly all bark and no bite.
MM: What are you talking about? I walked around with a limp for three days!
AG: I meant when it came to the whole Lex, Lana, & Clark triangle thing.
MM: Oh.
SDK: I don't care if you lay the blame on me. I'm leaving so you were probably going to say bad things about me anyway. I don't care. And the other writers would appreciate not having to take the fall.
AG: Oh, them. They're fired too.
SDK: All of them?
MM: Yeah. Budget cuts. Lose a million viewers lose a writing staff.
SDK: Please don't tell me you're going to have that bunch of hacks write another season.
AG: Actually we were thinking we'd just steal a bunch of fan fiction.
MM: Al, I spoke with legal. We can't do that.
AG: Oh. Yeah, we're going to have that bunch of hacks write another season.
SDK: [As he exits] Well good luck with that. [Once out of the office with the door closed] Suckers.
[Back inside the office]
AG: Are you sure that's a good idea, Miles? The cast is even more bitter than last time.
MM: We can't afford to pay anyone. Legal won't let us steal fan fic. You have any other bright ideas?
AG: I don't know. Maybe we should write some of the episodes?
MM: I'm tired of eating chicken.
AG: I thought you loved chicken.
MM: The thrill is gone.
AG: Right. I'll set up a meeting with Tom.
MM: Tom isn't talking to us anymore.
AG: Is Allison talking to us?
MM: Sort of.
AG: Sort of?
MM: Well, only because everyone else refuses to talk to her.
AG: Is the rest of the cast still afraid of her?
MM: More or less. I think. Although they might be at the point where they figure there's not much worse she could do to them.
AG: Either way she's our last best hope. I'll set up a meeting.
Next
And So it Begins...
[The cast sits around the writer's table with AG and MM following reading Phantom. The room is completely silent. MR picks at his teeth. AM sits with her head in her hands. AoT flips through the script. KK smiles radiantly]
AG: No re-action?
KK: I like it.
AoT: Is there really only one Martha scene?
MM: You all love it right?
KK: Yes. Actually I think I love it.
JG: [Devastated] Lionel is... good?
KK: Who cares. Lana is dead!
JG: At least somebody has something to be happy about.
ED: Lana turns against Lex and he kills her? Nobody saw that coming, did they?
AM: Is Chloe dead or is she alive?
MR: Oh, she's dead.
AM: Shut up, Micheal.
MR: And she's still pining after Clark.
AM: Shut up, Micheal!
TW: Why is Clark kissing a married woman?
MM: You didn't read the script? She's leaving Lex.
AG: It's a verrrrrrry grey area.
TW: Superman shouldn't be grey.
ED: So does that mean it was OK for Lois in Jimmy's dream to kiss Lex since he was leaving Lana?
KK: Why was that scene in the barn anyway?
AG: Lois was a stand in for Clark since homosexuality wasn't nearly as acceptable in the '40s.
MR: Lex was supposed to leave Lana for Clark?
MM: Sure.
ED: This makes my head hurt.
AM: Why does Chloe's power have to kill her?
MM: Clark's greatest power is to hurt Lana. Chloe's greatest power is to hurt herself.
AM: You two are assholes.
JG: I thought Lionel was supposed to get out at the end of this season. Instead you get Martha out?
AoT: I'm out?
MM: You're out, Annette.
AoT: Why am I out?
AG: We couldn't fit Martha into a love triangle.
MM: Clark, Lionel, Martha is too...
AG: Incestuous.
MM: Lionel, Martha, Jimmy is too...
AG: Squicky.
AM: Jimmy is Chloe's boyfriend.
MM: Right! What about a Martha, Jimmy, Chloe triangle!
AM: What?!
AG: Chloe could lose in love again!
ED: Martha Kent and Jimmy?
AoT: I could deal with that!
ED: Ew.
AM: So Chloe isn't dead?
MM: Oh. I knew there was a reason we couldn't do the Martha, Jimmy, Chloe triangle.
AM: So Chloe is dead?
ED: Lois should be able to save Chloe.
JG: And not Lionel.
AoT: Yeah. I still want to be on the show. Kill of Lionel and keep Martha.
KK: Really? Why?
AoT: Shut up!
AG: [to MM] So can we kill off Lionel and keep Martha?
JG: Please kill off Lionel and keep Martha?
MM: I don't know.
JG: Lionel is good now. He's practically worthless! Kill him off.
AG: Martha's in Washington. I don't see being able to keep her as a regular character.
TW: Shouldn't flying to Smallville from Washington take about as long as driving from Metropolis?
KK: It's probably quicker, actually.
TW: Chloe drives back and forth everyday.
ED: And she's a reagular cast character.
AM: Is she?
MR: Used to be.
AM: Shut up!
AoT: Martha could do that, fly back and forth.
ED: Would that be a waste of government money?
AG: Alright. We'll think about offing Lionel and keeping Martha.
JG & AoT: Yes!
KK: And offing Lana.
MM: Offing Lana? Who said anything about offing Lana?
KK: She blew up.
MR: Chloe blew up in a season finale. She didn't die.
KK: Shut up, Micheal.
MR: In fact she came out without a scratch.
KK: Shut up, Micheal! Lana should be dead.
AG: I don't know.
AM: And Chloe should be alive.
MM: I really don't know.
AG: Maybe as long as Lois is around we could deep six Lana.
MM: What? You're talking crazy.
KK: Crazy like a fox!
AG: Just think about it.
MM: I have and I don't like it.
AM: What about Chloe!?!?
AG: What about Chloe?
AM: Is she alive or dead?
MM: Who cares? Now about Lana...
AM: [Gets up and runs out of the room screaming] Arrrrrgggg!!!!
AG: What's with her?
MM: I don't know. Anyway, I'll think about letting Lana die.
KK: Yes!
MM: On one condition.
KK: What?
MM: You do a nude autopsy scene.
KK: What!?!?
AG: Excellent. If you do a nude autopsy scene in the premier we'll let Lana die.
MM: And then appear in a lesbian zombie episode.
AG: Yes. Two appearences. A nude autopsy scene and then a lesbian zombie episode and then Lana can die.
KK: [Gets up and runs out of the room screaming] Arrrrrgggg!!!!
AG: What's with her?
MM: I don't know.
Next
AG: No re-action?
KK: I like it.
AoT: Is there really only one Martha scene?
MM: You all love it right?
KK: Yes. Actually I think I love it.
JG: [Devastated] Lionel is... good?
KK: Who cares. Lana is dead!
JG: At least somebody has something to be happy about.
ED: Lana turns against Lex and he kills her? Nobody saw that coming, did they?
AM: Is Chloe dead or is she alive?
MR: Oh, she's dead.
AM: Shut up, Micheal.
MR: And she's still pining after Clark.
AM: Shut up, Micheal!
TW: Why is Clark kissing a married woman?
MM: You didn't read the script? She's leaving Lex.
AG: It's a verrrrrrry grey area.
TW: Superman shouldn't be grey.
ED: So does that mean it was OK for Lois in Jimmy's dream to kiss Lex since he was leaving Lana?
KK: Why was that scene in the barn anyway?
AG: Lois was a stand in for Clark since homosexuality wasn't nearly as acceptable in the '40s.
MR: Lex was supposed to leave Lana for Clark?
MM: Sure.
ED: This makes my head hurt.
AM: Why does Chloe's power have to kill her?
MM: Clark's greatest power is to hurt Lana. Chloe's greatest power is to hurt herself.
AM: You two are assholes.
JG: I thought Lionel was supposed to get out at the end of this season. Instead you get Martha out?
AoT: I'm out?
MM: You're out, Annette.
AoT: Why am I out?
AG: We couldn't fit Martha into a love triangle.
MM: Clark, Lionel, Martha is too...
AG: Incestuous.
MM: Lionel, Martha, Jimmy is too...
AG: Squicky.
AM: Jimmy is Chloe's boyfriend.
MM: Right! What about a Martha, Jimmy, Chloe triangle!
AM: What?!
AG: Chloe could lose in love again!
ED: Martha Kent and Jimmy?
AoT: I could deal with that!
ED: Ew.
AM: So Chloe isn't dead?
MM: Oh. I knew there was a reason we couldn't do the Martha, Jimmy, Chloe triangle.
AM: So Chloe is dead?
ED: Lois should be able to save Chloe.
JG: And not Lionel.
AoT: Yeah. I still want to be on the show. Kill of Lionel and keep Martha.
KK: Really? Why?
AoT: Shut up!
AG: [to MM] So can we kill off Lionel and keep Martha?
JG: Please kill off Lionel and keep Martha?
MM: I don't know.
JG: Lionel is good now. He's practically worthless! Kill him off.
AG: Martha's in Washington. I don't see being able to keep her as a regular character.
TW: Shouldn't flying to Smallville from Washington take about as long as driving from Metropolis?
KK: It's probably quicker, actually.
TW: Chloe drives back and forth everyday.
ED: And she's a reagular cast character.
AM: Is she?
MR: Used to be.
AM: Shut up!
AoT: Martha could do that, fly back and forth.
ED: Would that be a waste of government money?
AG: Alright. We'll think about offing Lionel and keeping Martha.
JG & AoT: Yes!
KK: And offing Lana.
MM: Offing Lana? Who said anything about offing Lana?
KK: She blew up.
MR: Chloe blew up in a season finale. She didn't die.
KK: Shut up, Micheal.
MR: In fact she came out without a scratch.
KK: Shut up, Micheal! Lana should be dead.
AG: I don't know.
AM: And Chloe should be alive.
MM: I really don't know.
AG: Maybe as long as Lois is around we could deep six Lana.
MM: What? You're talking crazy.
KK: Crazy like a fox!
AG: Just think about it.
MM: I have and I don't like it.
AM: What about Chloe!?!?
AG: What about Chloe?
AM: Is she alive or dead?
MM: Who cares? Now about Lana...
AM: [Gets up and runs out of the room screaming] Arrrrrgggg!!!!
AG: What's with her?
MM: I don't know. Anyway, I'll think about letting Lana die.
KK: Yes!
MM: On one condition.
KK: What?
MM: You do a nude autopsy scene.
KK: What!?!?
AG: Excellent. If you do a nude autopsy scene in the premier we'll let Lana die.
MM: And then appear in a lesbian zombie episode.
AG: Yes. Two appearences. A nude autopsy scene and then a lesbian zombie episode and then Lana can die.
KK: [Gets up and runs out of the room screaming] Arrrrrgggg!!!!
AG: What's with her?
MM: I don't know.
Next
Castville Season Seven Episodes
OK, here's the line up. The episodes have been assigned to one of the "core four" of the cast. Normally they will chose another cast member to co-author the episode with them. However in rare instances Al & Miles may choose the co-author for them.
7.01 Bizzaro assigned to AM
Clark faces off with a mirror version of himself.
7.02 Divided assigned to TW
Clark is displeased with Chloe's recent career surge. Lex enlists a new ally.
7.03 United assigned to MR
The first true test of Chloe's new powers are put to the test when reviving a catatonic Lex is her and Clark's only hope of defeating a level 33.1 "super" freak. Lionel has an enticing offer for Martha.
7.04 Embedded assigned to AM
When Clark joins up with Oliver and company to take out the "final" 33.1 location he's in for a big surprise.
7.05 Threats assigned to MR
Lex learns he has bigger enemies to worry about than the "Justice League". Chloe finds she has new rival at work.
7.06 Consequences assigned to KK
An unexpected death drive Clark and Lex further apart. Chloe learns there are downsides to her new powers.
7.07 Repercussions assigned to AM
Martha's bill to protect meteor freaks alienates both the general public and Lionel. Meanwhile Clark attempts to find out why Chloe has placed herself in seclusion.
7.08 Apparition assigned to KK
Clark and Lex are haunted by the past.
7.09 Collusion assigned to TW
Desperate times cause Lex to form an unlikely partnership. Chloe make a difficult decision regarding her power.
7.10 Darkness assigned to MR
Clark discovers a new enemy. Chloe finds herself dependent on Lex's goodwill.
7.11 Cure assigned to MR
Clark learns Chloe has been hiding a secret. Lex tries to co-opt Chloe's power.
7.12 Return assigned to TW
A grave new threat requires Clark to recruit a former enemy as an ally.
7.13 Exit assigned to AM
Lionel is faced with the task of either destroying a dangerous portal possibly exiling Clark from earth forever or risk exposing earth to certain destruction.
7.14 Escape assigned to MR
As Clark races to return to earth Lionel finds an unlikely ally to help destroy the portal.
7.1516 Control assigned to AM
Clark becomes concerned when Lex and Chloe begin acting erratically.
7.1615 Masquerade assigned to KK
An eccentric conspiracy theorist offers his followers odd theories about aliens on Earth.
7.17 Revolt assigned to MR
An underground group of Meteor freaks react against LuthorCorp's public plan to "cure" them.
7.18 Bounty assigned to KK
Lex finds that capturing Kal-El is more complicated than simply hiring an intergalactic thug.
7.19 Confession assigned to TW
Clark's world may never be the same when he finally learns the truth behind why Chloe choose to give up her powers.
7.20 Harbinger assigned to TW
Jor-El warns Clark that his greatest test is nearly upon him.
7.21 Apocalypse assigned to AM
Lex and Clark find themselves unlikely allies against the greatest threat Earth has yet to know.
7.22 Eclipse assigned to MR
Clark faces his darkest hour.
Next
7.01 Bizzaro assigned to AM
Clark faces off with a mirror version of himself.
7.02 Divided assigned to TW
Clark is displeased with Chloe's recent career surge. Lex enlists a new ally.
7.03 United assigned to MR
The first true test of Chloe's new powers are put to the test when reviving a catatonic Lex is her and Clark's only hope of defeating a level 33.1 "super" freak. Lionel has an enticing offer for Martha.
7.04 Embedded assigned to AM
When Clark joins up with Oliver and company to take out the "final" 33.1 location he's in for a big surprise.
7.05 Threats assigned to MR
Lex learns he has bigger enemies to worry about than the "Justice League". Chloe finds she has new rival at work.
7.06 Consequences assigned to KK
An unexpected death drive Clark and Lex further apart. Chloe learns there are downsides to her new powers.
7.07 Repercussions assigned to AM
Martha's bill to protect meteor freaks alienates both the general public and Lionel. Meanwhile Clark attempts to find out why Chloe has placed herself in seclusion.
7.08 Apparition assigned to KK
Clark and Lex are haunted by the past.
7.09 Collusion assigned to TW
Desperate times cause Lex to form an unlikely partnership. Chloe make a difficult decision regarding her power.
7.10 Darkness assigned to MR
Clark discovers a new enemy. Chloe finds herself dependent on Lex's goodwill.
7.11 Cure assigned to MR
Clark learns Chloe has been hiding a secret. Lex tries to co-opt Chloe's power.
7.12 Return assigned to TW
A grave new threat requires Clark to recruit a former enemy as an ally.
7.13 Exit assigned to AM
Lionel is faced with the task of either destroying a dangerous portal possibly exiling Clark from earth forever or risk exposing earth to certain destruction.
7.14 Escape assigned to MR
As Clark races to return to earth Lionel finds an unlikely ally to help destroy the portal.
7.
Clark becomes concerned when Lex and Chloe begin acting erratically.
7.
An eccentric conspiracy theorist offers his followers odd theories about aliens on Earth.
7.17 Revolt assigned to MR
An underground group of Meteor freaks react against LuthorCorp's public plan to "cure" them.
7.18 Bounty assigned to KK
Lex finds that capturing Kal-El is more complicated than simply hiring an intergalactic thug.
7.19 Confession assigned to TW
Clark's world may never be the same when he finally learns the truth behind why Chloe choose to give up her powers.
7.20 Harbinger assigned to TW
Jor-El warns Clark that his greatest test is nearly upon him.
7.21 Apocalypse assigned to AM
Lex and Clark find themselves unlikely allies against the greatest threat Earth has yet to know.
7.22 Eclipse assigned to MR
Clark faces his darkest hour.
Next
Cast of Characters
As you have undoubtedly noticed the CV cast personalities vary somewhat from their real life counter parts. Since each CV episode is going to bear the mark of its authors we figured it might be helpful to provide an updated version of the descriptions and motivations driving the CV cast as we enter CV season seven.
Erica Durance (ED) as Lois Lane
Disappointed with Lois' stint as a tabloid reporter in season six ED decided to take AM's advice and give an Al & Miles an ultimatum: either Lois improves character wise or she's out. Al & Miles laughed in her face. ED now stars on CBS's newest situation comedy, Father Knows Best.
John Glover (JG) as Lionel Luthor
Following Lionel's transformation from bad guy to good Glover wants out. He hoped for Lionel's demise and a plum spot on another television show but when ED jumped ship JG found himself sucked back in for yet another year. Hopes to redeem Lionel by season's end (i.e. show that Lionel was evil all along).
Kristen Kreuk (KK) as Lana Lang Luthor
KK is just glad that Lana is once again dead. Unfortunately she is still under contract for one more season and will be fulfilling her contract by writing. She doesn't give a crap about the show and is just fine letting the other writers do all the work and has no problems with them doing whatever they want both for their own characters and anybody else's.
Allison Mack (AM) as Chloe Sullivan
Still fiercely protective of Chloe but less concerned about show integrity as before. AM is particularly resentful towards ED for displaying a lack of Smallville "loyalty". This year she finds herself in the unenviable position of having to rebuild trust with virtually all her cast mates following the "Dallas" deal she made with Al & Miles towards the end of their last run as show writers.
Annette O'Toole (AoT) as Martha Kent
After being forgotten at the end of season 5.5 and for almost all of season six, AoT has taken the gloves off... literally, since she has threatened Al and Miles with physical violence if they did not guarantee her a significant story arc. She still enjoys causing chaos for its own sake, and is quite happy to have characters explore "grey" morale choices, just because she can.
Michael Rosenbaum (MR) as Lex Luthor
You know things are bad when MR is forced to act as the voice of reason and calm among his fellow writers. When not trying to create reasonable explanations for Lex's behavior in season six or checking his meals for drugs, MR is working hard to keep Castville on the air. (Kickin It Old Skool was not the break-out hit his agent had promised.) MR could care less if the other writers are happy, as long as Lex looks good and the plots make a little sense. MR feels a little bad for AM, but he has made it his personal mission to keep Lionel "good" in season seven... to make Lex look better and take advantage of his brand new restraining order against JG.
Tom Welling (TW) as Clark Kent
As if the monumental task of guiding Clark back to heroic status wasn't already enough TW finds himself having to operate within an increasingly divided and cantankerous environment. Still reeling from the sting of betrayal in the wake of AM's "Dallas" style destruction of a CV season he toiled endlessly on TW finds himself with few allies as he struggles to restore cohesion to a cast teetering on the brink of complete disintegration.
Next
Erica Durance (ED) as Lois Lane
Disappointed with Lois' stint as a tabloid reporter in season six ED decided to take AM's advice and give an Al & Miles an ultimatum: either Lois improves character wise or she's out. Al & Miles laughed in her face. ED now stars on CBS's newest situation comedy, Father Knows Best.
John Glover (JG) as Lionel Luthor
Following Lionel's transformation from bad guy to good Glover wants out. He hoped for Lionel's demise and a plum spot on another television show but when ED jumped ship JG found himself sucked back in for yet another year. Hopes to redeem Lionel by season's end (i.e. show that Lionel was evil all along).
Kristen Kreuk (KK) as Lana Lang Luthor
KK is just glad that Lana is once again dead. Unfortunately she is still under contract for one more season and will be fulfilling her contract by writing. She doesn't give a crap about the show and is just fine letting the other writers do all the work and has no problems with them doing whatever they want both for their own characters and anybody else's.
Allison Mack (AM) as Chloe Sullivan
Still fiercely protective of Chloe but less concerned about show integrity as before. AM is particularly resentful towards ED for displaying a lack of Smallville "loyalty". This year she finds herself in the unenviable position of having to rebuild trust with virtually all her cast mates following the "Dallas" deal she made with Al & Miles towards the end of their last run as show writers.
Annette O'Toole (AoT) as Martha Kent
After being forgotten at the end of season 5.5 and for almost all of season six, AoT has taken the gloves off... literally, since she has threatened Al and Miles with physical violence if they did not guarantee her a significant story arc. She still enjoys causing chaos for its own sake, and is quite happy to have characters explore "grey" morale choices, just because she can.
Michael Rosenbaum (MR) as Lex Luthor
You know things are bad when MR is forced to act as the voice of reason and calm among his fellow writers. When not trying to create reasonable explanations for Lex's behavior in season six or checking his meals for drugs, MR is working hard to keep Castville on the air. (Kickin It Old Skool was not the break-out hit his agent had promised.) MR could care less if the other writers are happy, as long as Lex looks good and the plots make a little sense. MR feels a little bad for AM, but he has made it his personal mission to keep Lionel "good" in season seven... to make Lex look better and take advantage of his brand new restraining order against JG.
Tom Welling (TW) as Clark Kent
As if the monumental task of guiding Clark back to heroic status wasn't already enough TW finds himself having to operate within an increasingly divided and cantankerous environment. Still reeling from the sting of betrayal in the wake of AM's "Dallas" style destruction of a CV season he toiled endlessly on TW finds himself with few allies as he struggles to restore cohesion to a cast teetering on the brink of complete disintegration.
Next
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