7.13 Exit by MR and AOT (Part I)

As retold by Bill C

Lionel is faced with the task of either destroying a dangerous portal possibly exiling Clark from earth forever or risk exposing earth to certain destruction.

[Writers' room. Everyone is present except TW.]
MR [hands out scripts]: Gather 'round, folks, the show is about to begin.
JG: After six and a half years? It's about goddamn time.
KK: Where's Tom?
AoT: No idea. I think Bryan waylaid him.
MR: He can catch up. So, this episode opens with "Previously on Smallville"--
JG: Who gets to say that this time?
ED: My turn!
KK: Actually, I think it's my turn.
ED: You're not even on the show!
KK: Yeah, so?
MR: We'll figure it out later. Anyway, "previously on Smallville," flashbacks to last week, poor redshirt Zack being possessed by Zod, Martian Manhunter getting sucked into the crystal, blah blah blah. It ends with the shot of Zod from the end of the previous episode, then cuts to black.
AoT: And then we fade in on a reverse-angle shot of Zod with Clark lying in a heap of ice debris across the room.
[KK starts snickering quietly]
JG: What is it, woman?
KK: Zod's standing across the room from the person he just beat up, right?
MR: Yeah.
KK [laughs]: So he looks like the abusive boyfriend in a made-for-TV movie?
AoT: Actually, Kristen, he...wait. [nods] Yes, that's exactly what he looks like.
KK [still laughing]: So Clark is now Zod's bitch.
JG: Again, you mean.
MR: Zod looks down at the seal of El in his hand, the one he sucked MM into, then tosses it away like a cigarette butt. "It's sad to see that this world only has you as its so-called 'savior,' son of Jor-El."
AoT: Clark, or should we say Zod's bitch, slowly lurches to his feet. "Zod...I can't let you des--"
MR: Zod simply super-speeds over and backhands Clark in the face. Clark falls down.
ED: This is a recurring theme for this episode, isn't it?
MR: You have no idea.
AoT: Zod's bitch groans and tries to get to his feet again. "You...you can't--"
MR: Zod. "Stay out of my way, child. Your better has tasks ahead...such as hunting down that--that creature he calls an emissary."
AoT: Zod's bitch looks appropriately confused. "Emissary?"
MR: "That creature...Hasaad! You truly have no sense of what the Crusade tried to stop, do you? He was the chosen, the first contact with any world--he would seduce them, get them to let their guard down, and then...nonsense. You will never understand, child."
ED: Hasaad, you slut.
AoT: Zod gets bored and super-speeds out of the FoS to look for a new bitch. His old bitch finally manages to get to his feet, then dashes over to where Zod tossed the seal. "J'onn! Dammit...Jor-El! Jor-El, answer me!"
JG: And Jor-El says [impersonates Terence Stamp] "You are not my son. You are a fucking idiot."
MR: Actually, we just had silence...Annette, can we use that?
AoT: No.
MR: Aww. Why not?
AoT: It would clash with the dramatic music.
MR: Forget the dramatic music. [grumbles under his breath]
AoT: Quiet, you. It's over with quickly, so shut up.
JG: Dare I ask?
MR [sighs]: No. Aaand we cut to the usual establishing shot of LuthorCorp HQ, then to Lex walking out of an elevator into the main lobby followed by Dr. Richards and some secretary.
AoT: The secretary is talking about noticing some sort of unusual power drain in the regional power grid and how they're attempting to trace it back to its source.
MR: Lex tells him to let him know of any further developments, just as a set of glass panes set into the front of the lobby shatter accompanied by a loud boom.
KK: Bitch number two! Come on dowwwwwn!
MR [stares at KK]: You're not helping, Kristen.
KK: That's the idea.
AoT: Anyway, all this glass shatters and people go running. Quick cut back to Lex and his posse going "What the hell?" as the dramatic music kicks in...
MR: And we go into slo-mo as Zod walks through the now open-air lobby entrance, a backpack slung over one shoulder. He stops, looks around smugly, and--
KK: Where'd he get the backpack?
AoT: It doesn't matter.
KK: Sure it does. Where'd it come from?
MR: He jacked it from a Wal-Mart on his way to LuthorCorp, okay?
KK: Okay. Do we get to see--
MR and AoT: No.
KK [pouts]: Fine, be that way.
AoT: Zod looks around, in that master-of-all-he-surveys sort of way. And then he notices Lex.
JG [sings]: I can't seem to forget you...your Wind Song stays on my miiiiind...
[AoT lightly punches JG in the shoulder]
MR: Lex's secretary freaks and runs for the hills, while Lex stands rooted to his spot. A couple of LuthorCorp security guards run in from a nearby hallway and get blown away.
ED: Wait, where'd Zod get a gun?
AoT: No, dear. Blown away. Literally. Zod puckers up and blows a gust of air right at them. One of them goes through a table, and the other gets knocked back into the hallway.
ED: Oh.
AoT: Zod then walks up to Lex. "I...I remember you."
MR: Lex puts on his best snarky face. "Then you have me at a disadvantage, because I have absolutely no idea who the hell you are."
AoT: "How miniscule your brain is! You have already forgotten the touch of my essence?"
KK: I'm assuming that line is accompanied by a suitably gay look?
AoT: There was actually doubt?
MR: Lex goes for the obvious. "Who are you?"
AoT: "I am...General Zod."
MR: Lex does his best to hide that fear. "Zod...I'm sorry, but I don't think we've had the pleasure."
AoT: Zod smirks. "Ah, but we have, ape. We have."
ED: The gayest look in the episode is barely three minutes into it? Isn't that illegal?
KK: Not if you do it right.
[TW enters]
JG: And then he kisses him.
TW: Who kisses who now?
ED: What kept you, Tom?
TW: I...had to take a call. What'd I miss?
MR [hands TW a script]: Oh, not much--
KK: Zod bitchslaps Clark.
TW: What?
KK: Right on the first page.
TW [skims script]: What the--hey!
MR: Come on, Tom. It's Zod. He has to beat down suckers.
JG: Clark should be used to it from the first time around, anyway.
AoT: Anyway, Zod takes a step closer to Lex, staring him right in the eye. "Where is the emissary?"
KK: He is of Bajor?
ED: Who is of what?
KK: Quiet.
MR: Lex. "I have no idea what you're talking about...unless you're referring to what you call Kal-El."
AoT: Zod laughs in Lex's face. "He is inconsequential! I mean the emissary--the agent of your world's destruction! The one you call Hasaad!"
MR: Music swells as Zod and Lex stare each other down, and--Annette, I hate this part...
AoT: You big baby.
MR: Fine. Zod shoves Lex out of the way, and Lex goes flying through some artsy glass partition.
AoT: In slow motion.
MR: Dammit.
AoT: We then cut back to Zod, who roars "Hasaad!"--and then cut to credits.

Continued...