Prelude to War

As retold by Bill C

[MR's trailer. MR is watching TV.]
Announcer (on TV): We now return to Caprica: Advance Warning, on Sci Fi...
MR: Not exactly naked exploding women robots, but hey...three out of four ain't ba--
[someone knocks on door]
MR: Come on in!
[AoT enters]
AoT: Michael, I-- [notices TV] Why am I not surprised?
MR: What?
AoT [points at TV]: That.
MR: Oh. It's naked women robots. Duh.
AoT: They're not naked right now.
MR: It'll happen, though. It always happens.
AoT: You're just hung up on the idea of Allison playing a robot.
MR: Actually, I'm hung up on Allison being naked. The robot part is one a hell of a perk, though.
AoT [shakes head]: Anyway. You know we have an episode to write, right?
MR: Yeah, yeah. I was kicking around some ideas for that during the commercial breaks.
[someone knocks on door]
MR: Okay, who's that? [louder] Door's open!
[BS enters, wearing a bright blue "T&F" T-shirt and carrying a pumpkin pie]
BS: Hi, Michael! Hi, Annette! Want some pie? I brought pie!
AoT [scowls]: No, thank you.
MR: Pie rules! [takes a slice of pie]
AoT [frostily]: What brings you by, Bryan?
BS: I wanted to spend time with two of my favorite people on the show! Time is good! Good like this pie! [takes a huge bite of pie]
MR [through a mouthful of pie]: Yeah! Pie rocks! [BS & MR high five]
AoT: I'm sorry, but we do have work to do here. We've got a script to write...
BS: [bites into pie] Mmm... pie. Pie is good. [takes another bite] You know what else is good?
MR: [turns back to the TV] Naked exploding women robots!
BS: Yes! But not what I was thinking of! What else is good is duty to the show! [To AoT] It's good you want to do your duty for the show, Martha...
AoT: Annette.
BS: Whoever. Like I said, duty is good! Good like this pie! [takes a bite]
MR [distracted, watching TV]: Duty rules! [AoT lightly whacks MR on the back of his head causing him drop his pie on his shirt] Annette!
BS [low voice]: Of course...it doesn't always help when someone thinks their duty isn't to the show...but to a so-called "higher" purpose.
AoT [puzzled]: What?
BS: We all do what is best for the show, right?
MR: [Between scooping pie off his shirt and into his mouth] Sure do.
AoT: [Giving MR a disgusted look] Uh...yeah, we always do. [cautiously] Why?
BS: [Whispers] There is one among you who...does not do what is best for the show. They--is that a penny?!!?!
MR: Yeah! I've been saving them for you.
BS: [Picks a penny off the table] Shiny!
AoT: ...Glover.
BS: [pocketing the penny] No! Well, maybe. He could lighten up on Lionel's bad behavior. Clark's dad should be a beacon of virtue! But he's not who I had in mind.
AoT: Uh...right. Not John, then...oh, wait. Kristen?
BS: Kristen? What has Kristen done that's bad for the show?
AoT: For starters she...
BS: It's Tom, dammit! I meant Tom!
MR: [one eye on the TV, reaches for more pie] Tom? What'd he do?
BS: He refuses...to..to.. fully embrace [one hand unconsciously closes into a fist] what being Superman is all about. He just doesn't get it.
AoT: Not that the whole Clana thing isn't a major stumbling block, but still...apart from that...what's so wrong with his work?
BS [snaps at AoT]: He refuses to wear the Suit! What kind of Superman refuses to wear the Suit? That's not Superman thinking! That's...that's...big dumb strong alien guy thinking!
AoT: Technically, though, Clark isn't Superman yet--
BS: Nonsense! It's been over six years! In six years I made a Superman movie! I made a movie where Superman wears the Suit!
AoT [quietly]: This isn't a movie, though.
BS: Superman has to wear the Suit, dammit! That's the one unbreakable rule of Superman! A Superman who refuses to wear the Suit...that's not Superman! [Holds up the remains of the pie] It's like pie without pie crust! What is pie without pie crust!?!?
AoT: Is that a trick question?
BS: [Turns the pie upside down over the table. The filling falls out.] It's just pudding! [points]
AoT: Actually it's just filling.
MR [still distracted]: Don't worry, Bryan. I'm sure Tom will come around sooner or later...ah, dammit, another commercial break!
BS [low voice again]: I think...his hand must be forced.
AoT [edges away from BS]: Bryan, you're oddly...coherent right now.
BS: [Scoops up some pie filling in his hand] Tom is this pudding. It's up to you to put him into this crust. [Dumps it back into the pie pan.]
MR: [Finally noticing the pie remains all over his table] What the hell?
AoT: I think the crust is supposed to be the Suit.
MR: Ohhhh.
BS: Superman never became the invincible champion of truth, justice and the American way until he put on the Suit. Until then, he was just... [shoves pie plate in front of AoT] a shapeless blob of pudding!
MR: You just ruined a perfectly good pie!
BS: Exactly! Pie is good! Superman is good! But Superman without the Suit is...
MR: Mild mannered reporter Clark Kent?
BS: [Shoving the pie plate in MR's face] Pudding, Rosenbaum, pudding!
MR: Riiiiight.
BS: It...might be a good idea to illustrate that in an episode. Maybe even...by illustrating it in your episode.
MR: That Clark is pudding?
AoT: I think what he means is without the suit Clark is a perfectly good superhero...
BS: ...ruined!
MR: Riiiiight.
BS: Perhaps Clark needs to be shown as...as needing the Suit. In order to truly accept and embrace his future as Superman.
AoT: Uh huh...and this would happen how?
MR: I'm curious about that too...
BS: Superman is invincible. Clark Kent is not. Pie is the ultimate dessert food. Pudding is not. That's all there is to it.
MR: ...uh, Bryan, are you asking us to--
BS: I would never dream of asking you to do anything you didn't want to do. I just wanted to...remind you of what is really important before you started writing this episode. It was my duty to the show...and I hope you will remember yours.
[BS exits]
AoT [after a few seconds]: Okay. That was sufficiently creepy.
MR: I don't think I get it, Annette. Is turning Clark into pudding in our script supposed to convince Tom to put on the suit?
AoT: Not pudding, pie filling!
MR: Either way it doesn't seem very nice.
AoT: We're nice to Clark now?
MR: Okay, it seems worse than usual to Clark.
AoT: That's easy enough. I owe him some payback for Martha getting shoved into Collusion like an afterthought.
[BS reenters]
BS: Oh, I forgot! Because of the special effects from the last couple of episodes--
AoT: What effects?
BS: --and some nonsense from Toyota about misusing their sponsorship a few episodes back, the accountants sent me a note about possibly recruiting some new corporate sponsors for the show.
MR: Sony?
AoT: Loreal?
MR: Nike?
AoT: De Beers? If it's De Beers I want the real stuff, not the crap they gave me in Arrow!
MR: Do "De" beers come in a light version?
[AoT rolls her eyes]
MR: What? I've got to be ready in case there's a shirtless Lex scene.
BS: They were approached by Radio Shack. Bye!

[BS exits again]
AoT: Radio Shack? How the hell are we supposed to do anything with that?
MR: Easy. Chloe needs batteries for her laptop, ri--oh. Wait. She's dead.
AoT: Jimmy could get batteries for his camera--wait. He's dead too. Dammit.
MR [after a few seconds]: There's no way in hell Lex would be caught dead in a Radio Shack.
AoT: Neither would Martha. Hell no.
MR [after a few more seconds]: We could have Lionel or Lois drop in...
AoT: Now you're talking!
MR [glances at the TV]: Okay, stop talking!
AoT: What?
MR: The commercials are over.
AoT [opens her mouth to say something, but notices the TV]: Oh my God. Is that... Allison?
MR: I told you it always happens!

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