And now for a word from TW

as retold by Bill C

[The barn set. TW, Bill C, and a camera on a tripod are present.]
Bill C [sets up the camera to record]: Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, Mr. Welling.
TW [wearily]: Please, just Tom.
BC: All right, Tom.
TW [sits down on a bale of hay]: I'd like to thank you for not bringing anyone with you, though. We've had some...security issues recently.
BC [sits across from TW]: Of course. So let's start with the obvious question: with only four episodes left to go in the season, what can we expect from Smallville?
TW: Well, we...hmmmm...hell. Where do you go from here?
BC: I'm sorry?
TW: I mean, really--where do you go? Chloe's gone crazy, Clark's been to Apokolips and fought with Darkseid and Lobo, and Brainiac and Zod are dead...
BC: Not to mention Lana.
TW [growls]: Right. Lana. Dead. Deader than dead. Deader than David Caruso's film career. Deader than--
BC [nonplussed]: ...soooo, I was asking how Smallville would top all that as it heads towards this year's season finale?
TW [after a beat, shrugs]: You know what? We can't.
BC [after a few seconds]: What?
TW: The last four episodes of the season are going to be completely artistically bankrupt and devoid of any meaningful content. We'll be going straight for the lowest common denominator in an attempt at a ratings coup to please our merciless network overlords.
BC [stunned]: I...I see...
TW: In fact, the next episode will be nothing but forty-three minutes of Clark and Lex running around in loincloths being forced to fight in an alien arena for ratings.
BC: Okay, wait, didn't you just do something like that last season? The episode with that one wrestler guy?
TW: Yeah, well, we're going right back to the well. Only this time we're bringing in Brigitte Nielsen as the alien queen.
BC: ............you're kidding.
TW [sighs]: Yes, I'm completely kidding.
BC [laughs]: Oh, okay! Though I suppose the beefcake would score some great ratings from a big part of the audience--
TW [mutters]: Yeah, and Gossip Girl can suck my... [clears throat] Sorry. Where was I?
BC: You were...about to reveal the big season finale storyline, I think.
TW: Right. I'm not going to do that.
BC: You're not?
TW: Nope.
BC: The story?
TW: Afraid not.
BC: Guest stars?
TW: Nuh-uh.
BC: Okay...can you say...anything about it?
TW [thinks]: Oh, I know. It's going to be the best--
BC: Don't say it. Please don't sa--
TW [smirks]: The best season finale we've ever done.
BC: But you can't tell us anything about the best season finale you've ever done.
TW: Right.
BC: Not even a tiny little clue?
TW: Well......no. [pauses] Okay, one clue. We're going to do one thing we've never, ever done before on Smallville. [grins evilly] The fans are going to love it.
BC: Okay! That's what we're talking about! But, speaking of things to talk about...
TW [groans]: God, don't tell me.
BC: I have to ask. Rumor has it that there has been some kind of shakeup behind the scenes...that Bryan Singer is no longer the executive producer of the show. Any comments?
TW: Do I have to?
BC: Um...yes.
TW: Let's just say that Bryan...is still attached to Smallville at this point. Negotiations are ongoing, however.
BC: And reliable sources are also saying that at least one other big-name producer has thrown his hat into the ring if and when Singer does leave the show--
TW: What the hell are you doing, paying off the security guards?
BC: Hey, the information came to me free of charge.
TW [glowers]: I bet it did.
BC: Well, it--
Voice [from outside]: Tom! Tom!
TW [frowns]: Oh, for chrissakes, now what?
[AoT walks onto the set]
AoT: Tom, did you have something to do with John coming up to me and saying I was "deputized"?
TW: Yes, Annette. But now's not--
AoT: Do you really think I would lower myself to the level of John Glover's lackey in anything without some sort of compensation? He was talking about cleaning out Allison's taser box--
[BC looks around frantically]
TW: Not now, Annette. I'm trying to do an interview with this guy for--hey, hey, it's okay. John's not here.
BC [sighs]: Okay.
AoT: Interviews are a dime a dozen. You tell me what John's up to.
BC: Excuse me, Ms. O'Toole? Television Without Pity, can I get a few words?
AoT [to BC]: Here's four: shut up, talking now. [to TW] Okay, so back to John--
TW: He didn't tell you?
AoT: He said he was doing something for you and I just tuned him out. Aren't you supposed to be dealing with Singer and--
TW: Not now...
AoT: --Whedon and that damnable Kern?
BC: Whedon? Joss Whedon is working on Smallville? When did this happen?
TW [scowls]: Whedon isn't working on the show. He's just...around.
BC: And who's this Kern person?
AoT: He's an annoying bastard, that's who he is.
TW [surprised]: You never watched Charmed?
BC: Okay, not the credits...
AoT: You're talking again, by the way.
BC: Sorry.
AoT: Now, Tom, what exactly are you doing about this?
TW [low voice]: I'm taking care of it, Annette. Dammit, stop bugging me about it!
AoT: Not until I see results! Now get to it! [exits]
TW [grumbles]: Results, huh?
BC: Okay, I'm confused...what are you supposed to be doing for her?
TW [pulls out a cellphone and dials a number]: Yes, it's me. You've--right, right. Everything's ready? Good. [hangs up]
BC: Uhh...
TW [looks at his watch]: I'm afraid I'll have to cut this interview short, okay?
BC: But I--
TW: I have to get back to work preparing for the--uh--shooting the finale.
BC: One more question?
TW [sighs]: One more.
BC: If you were a watcher of the show, and someone gave you a crystal ball, what would you see if you tried to see where the show is going?
TW [stands up, looks past BC]: I think I would see John Glover standing over another unconscious reporter.
BC: Wait, what? [thumping noise] Ow! What the heeeee-- [falls over and knocks over the camera]
JG [standing in the barn entrance holding a dart gun]: Okay, are you done, Welling?
TW: You didn't have to knock him out.
JG: How else can I relieve boredom? Besides, we've got an episode to write.
TW: What about him?
JG: The guards will move him later. Come on, I've got some ideas...
[JG and TW exit]
JG [from outside]: You should really use the arena idea, though.
TW [from outside]: We already did it!
JG: Yes, but with loincloths?

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