The Devil You Know

as retold by RepairmanBob

(JG walks into the writers room)
JG: This had damn will better be important, Tom. Calling an emergence meeting at the end of the day is…
(JG looks around and sees the room is empty, except for a smiling TW.)
TW: Hello, John.
JG: (Checks his watch) Am I early?
TW: Not at all. Why don’t you have a seat, and we can get started.
JG: (Looks confused) Where the hell is everyone?
TW: No one else is coming, John. Please. (Gestures at a chair) Take a seat.
JG: (Looks wary, puts his right hand under his jacket.) I am quite fine over here.
TW: (Shakes his head) John, I am not Annette. Why would I warn you before I attacked? This is just a business meeting between two colleagues. You can put the dart gun away.
JG: (Slowly sits down, right hand still under his jacket.) I am not sure what we have to talk about, Tom. Unless you would like some photos of you and your wife sold to the press. (Becomes excited) Is that it? Because my boyfriend and I are looking at a new home theater system, and that would help pay –
TW: (Ignoring JG) I have a vision, John. A vision for Smallville. And as the new acting executive producer, I -
JG: Dawn made you the show runner?
TW: Well, the acting –
JG: Can you give me a raise?
TW: Not right now –
JG: Can you kill Lionel?
TW: I can’t make those kind of –
JG: Can you finally have Lionel bang Martha?
TW: Hell no!
JG: (Stands up) Well, this has been a complete waste of time.
TW: (Shouts) Sit down Glover!
JG: (Looks startled, sits down)
TW: (Calms himself) As I was saying, I have a vision for Smallville. Since I am the acting executive producer, and I am writing the final four episodes of the season, I am finally in a position to see that vision fulfilled. However, before I can do that, I need to take care of certain... problems. I would like your help to with that.
JG: Why would I possibly want to help you?
TW: I could just threaten you, and say Lionel’s arc in the final four episodes will be feeding hungry orphans is a soup kitchen.
JG: You wouldn’t dare.
TW: Oh, did I mention I will be writing two of the episodes with Michael? He already has names picked out for the orphans.
JG: (Shudders)
TW: But I would rather have you be a motivated part of my team, John. Team Smallville. (Slides JG a sheet of paper) Here is my proposed, orphan-free arc for Lionel.
JG: (Glances at the paper with a bored expression, then does a double take. JG reads the paper more closely, and looks shocked and amazed.) You can’t be serious.
TW: Serious as death, John.
JG: This is... Lionel will… I mean, he –
TW: He will, if you take care of two simple tasks for me.
JG: (Gaze shifts between the paper and TW) I can’t change the script for Bounty. Even if I changed my vote, Kristin already got Dawn’s approval.
TW: (Face turns red) I am quite aware of that, thank you. No, this is a job I think you will enjoy. First, I want you to get rid of those goddamn producers. (TW becomes more animated) Singer, Kern and Whedon – I want them gone! Gone! (Starts to pound on the table) They have caused enough trouble! They will not interfere with my perfect vision for the show! It will not be tolerated!
JG: I… see.
TW: (Calms himself) You can have whatever is left in the weapons locker, and control of half the security staff. Allison as even agreed to donate some of her tasers.
JG: (Smiles) I assume it will not be a problem if Annette assists me?
TW: I don’t care, just get it done. Second, I want to know leaked the information about the promos to those bastards. Someone on the inside had to help those half-wits. (Voice lowers.) I want a name.
JG: (Smile turns into a smirk) Oh, I think that can be arranged.
TW: (Raises an eyebrow)
JG: No, it was not me! Why does everyone assume I was the leak?
TW: (Raises eyebrow higher)
JG: I would not sabotage my own promo! The rest of them, sure, but not my own!
TW: Fine, fine.
JG: If I do this… I want to co-write Confession.
TW: But I had already finished most of –
JG: Oh, I could give a shit about your plans for the other characters, Tom. It is Lionel I am concerned about. If we are going to do this (gestures at the paper), I need to make sure it is done correctly. Quite frankly, I do not trust anyone but myself to do Lionel justice, especially for something of this… magnitude.
TW: (Frowns) Quid pro quo, John. You get rid of a producer or bring me the leak, and you can co-write Confession.
JG: (Smiles) Funny you bring that up, Tom. Annette and I have a theory you might find interesting.

(KK’s trailer. She is watching television with ED and AM)
ED: Can’t we change the channel?
KK: They might have my commercial on soon!
AM: I can’t believe your Street Fighter commercial is premiering on the CW.
KK: Got to love the corporate synergy.
ED: But I am tired of reality television! Farmer Takes a Wife, Beauty and the Geek, Crowned, Dumb Pretty People Doing Stuff, Great Asses In Swimsuits–
AM: At least they are being honest.
KK: Just wait - (shudders)
AM: Kristin? Are you OK?
KK: Did you ever get the feeling something very bad just happened?

(From outside the writer’s room, the sound of shouting and furniture being thrown)
JG: (Running out) So we’re agreed! Great! I’ll start on the script changes, Tom!
TW: (From inside the writer’s room, more smashing)
JG: We’ll talk later!

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