7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part VI)

MR: As the explosions cease Chloe's force bubble eventually fades too. She and Clark are surrounded by nothing but rubble and swirling dust.
ED: You killed Lois? What about those DC restrictions?
MR: Sadly still in place. There were other Chlones in the city protecting the... citizenry.
TW: A faint hint of triumphant music as Chloe and Clark smile at each other, just happy they're both alive.
MR: We hear the music swell as horns begin the ubiquitous chords of the Superman theme. Chloe and Clark draw closer for a kiss.
AM: Really? To the Superman theme?
KK: God, I think I'm going to barf.
TW: Actually Clark is in no shape to draw closer. It's all Chloe.
AM: I think I hate you Tom.
TW: And as she kisses him they're both enveloped in a warm glow as Chloe's meteor powers magically heal Clark's wounds .
AM: Aww. I think I love you Tom. As long as Clark starts kissing her back that is.
ED: Wait, is Lois watching this?
MR: Eh? Maybe?
TW: Nope. Remember there's dust from the debris everywhere. You can't see more than five feet.
AM: So this is, like, even better than the Vessel kiss!
MR: Wait for it...
KK: Wait for what?
TW: Just as Clark recovers and seems to be kissing Chloe back...
MR: There's a ground shaking boom. Then another, and another.
TW: Chloe and Clark break off their kiss and give each other "oh shit" looks.
MR: Suddenly Darkseid's arm emerges from the dust and bitch-slaps Clark right into an over turned troop carrier.
MR: And Before Chloe has a chance to react he's emerged out of the dust completely to picks Chloe up by her neck and snap it.
AoT: Ow.
MR: To the sickening Craaack of fresh celery being snapped!
AM: Ow!
MR: Or carrots. Whichever they can get to sound the grossest.
AM: Tom I think I hate you again.
TW: We're going to throw in a few quick reactions shots. Crying Lois being held by Bittleman. Martha is shocked, then horrified. Lex is shocked. Finally to Clark, devastated - just staring and tears welling up in his eyes.
KK: I thought nobody could see this. You know, dust and debris everywhere?
MR: Yeah, well they saw the neck snapping. The dust started to settle during their make out session.
AoT: Martha sees it? So the FOS has cable now?
TW: Do you want to do a reaction shot or not?!?!
AoT: OK, forget I asked.
MR: Darkseid holds Chloe's body up by her hair and laughs just to mock Clark.
TW: As Darkseid laughs we'll show a couple signs Chloe's neck is starting to heal back.
AM: So she's not dead! Yay!
MR: Well, not yet. Before she's back to her original annoying shelf Darkseid fires his Omega Effect at Clark - which reverses at the last second and hits Chloe.
AM: Wait. It reverses?
KK: It can do that. It's in the comics. Canon.
AM: Fuck canon!
MR: Chloe gasps and writhes for a split second as she disintegrates.
KK: Oh, tough break, Allison.
AM: Shut up.
MR: Darkseid is left holding just a clump of Chloe's hair, which he drops.
AM: Come on, Michael, have you no respect for the dead?
KK: The guy who came up with the Lana sex-bot?
AM: Right. Forget I even asked.
TW: The big D gets his last Big Evil Speech in. "After..."
MR: No, this is so totally mine, dude.
TW: Fine.
MR: "After I have conquered this world, Kal-El, I shall place my thrown here. On the ashes of your female. So that every time I sit upon it, I will think of you at this moment. The moment you realized the true cost of your hubris. The moment you finally understood the futility of struggling against the will of Darkseid. The moment you were able to grasp how completely you had failed her, and all of her kind. I will think of you at this moment, Kal-El. And I will laugh."
TW: And of course this is when he starts to laugh.
AoT: There's a lot of Darkseid laughing in this episode.
MR: There's a lot from him to be happy about. Plus that's pretty much expected of two dimensional super villains. You want us to make D some sympathetic bloke fighting against his dark nature?
JG: No. That would make me sick. Embrace the darkness!
KK: And so naturally it's his own hubris which leads to his downfall as Clark kicks his ass. Irony, thy name is Smallville.
TW: Well give us a second, Kristin. A few reaction cuts of Clark staring at the spot where Chloe disappeared, Lois still crying in Bittleman's arms.
ED: Am I going to be doing anything other than crying the rest of the episode?
MR: No.
ED: Dammit!
AM: At least you weren't disintegrated.
ED: True.
TW: Over all these cuts we continue to hear Darkseid's mocking laughter until we finally cut back to Clark. He slowly shifts his gaze to Darkseid. His expression changes from pain and grief to pure unadulterated rage.
MR: Darkseid smirks at Clark's newfound determination. "The last son of Krypton dies today."
TW: Clark slowly comes to a crouching position, "I will end you." He pushes off the ground and flies at Darkseid. Darkseid winds up to punch Clark. Transition into slow mo just as D's fist impact's Clark's face with a deep thud. And cut to black.
AoT: That's it?
TW: Well, no, not really.
JG: Good. What else is there?
MR: The cue card, "To be continued."
ED: That's a suck ass ending.
MR: It's called a cliff hanger.
ED: And hanging off a cliff pretty much sucks ass. So Clark defeats him in next year's premier, right?
MR: No. Darkseid kicks Clark's ass and kills him.
ED: But then... what's the show going to be about? Lois and Bittleman?
KK: No. Without Clark around Darkseid takes over the planet and kills everyone.
ED: That sounds like a sucky show.
TW: Of course Clark defeats Darkseid. It's Smallville. Jeez.
ED: Right. What was I thinking? Hah!
AM: What about Chloe?
AoT: I guess she's in a better place now.
KK: With Lana.
AoT: I said a better place.
TW: Hush, Annette.
KK: Are you kidding? Even hell is better than here.
AM: Is she really dead? Am I really free of this nightmare?!?!
TW: Not my problem. That's for next year's writers to decide.
AM: So Chloe might come back after all?
ED: How's that possible?
MR: Oh, it's possible.
ED: From disintegration?
MR: The physics may be a little fuzzy, but trust me, it's doable.
KK: Doable how?
MR: As long as there's no body to bury the character isn't officially dead. It's a long standing rule of television.
TW: There's no body period, Michael.
MR: Hey, I don't make the rules. I just follow them.
KK: You should have had them cut off your head. Then disintegrate you.
MR: Still no body.
KK: Whatever.
TW: OK. We're done here. You and Michael can argue the no body no death rule on your own time. Let's get out of here!
[Al & Miles burst through the door.]
AG: Hold that thought, Tom.
MR: Oh, god. This can't be good.

7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part V)

TW: Returning to the Darkseid Clark beat down.
MR: This is where David Bowie kicks the living shit out of Tom.
TW: Mostly Darkseid picking Clark up and throwing him up against stuff.
MR: And pounding him into walls, the street. Maybe a car or two.
TW: The fight...
MR: It's not really a fight.
TW: OK, fine, the beat down is so violent the military is fleeing.
ED: Please tell me they’re at least shooting rockets at Darkseid.
TW: If we have it in the budget.
KK: That would be a no, I assume.
ED: You're going to make the military look like a bunch of cowards?
MR: If they pony up some money and buy some advertising we'll let them kill Darkseid.
AM: Seriously?
TW: That seriously goes against canon.
MR: So? We need the money.
TW: [Shrugs] True.
AM: How about small arms fire? Surely that's not too expensive.
MR: Eh, we could probably do that.
KK: Small arms fire against Darkseid? So now the military is stupid?
MR: How about they run while shooting small arms fire?
KK: Stupid cowards?
JG: Getting out of Darkseid’s way isn't stupid or cowardly.
AM: Says the guy who betrayed Clark to save his own skin.
JG: You gotta do what you gotta do.
TW: Anyway, this scene is going to be a make-up nightmare for me. Clark's going to be bloody and bruised and...
AoT: Shirtless?
TW: Annette!
MR: I told Tom Darkseid should beat him so bad his clothes tear off but Tom says the horrible red jacket is indestructible.
TW: It survived a nuclear explosion!
KK: Technically Clark threw the warhead into space before it went off.
TW: And your point?
ED: I think the point is shirtless Tom!
AoT: Wahoo!
TW: But that means more time in the make-up chair!
MR: Then set your alarm early, buddy!
KK: Do it for the fans, Tom, do it for the fans.
TW: OK, fine. Clark is all bloody and bruised and his clothes are in tatters.
MR: Now that's more like it!
TW: After one particularly violent slam into the pavement Clark struggles to get up and Darkseid slams his foot right into Clark's face hard enough to bury his boot a foot deep into the pavement. When Darkseid pulls away Clark lies motionless, completely spent.
AoT: And shirtless.
TW: Yes. And shirtless.
AoT: And sweating.
TW: That's quite enough, Annette.

MR: Pull back from this last cut to show this scene as being watched from the TW inside the oval office. Lex looks on sadly and Lois drones on about Darkseid's cruelty.
ED: Lois doesn't drone.
MR: Oh yeah she does. All. The. Time. Lex touches in Bluetooth headset. "I'm sorry, Chloe. But it's time." Cut to Chloe and her headset, tears streaming down her face.
AM: "Lex, maybe I can..."
MR: "No, Chloe. You know what you have to do."
AM: Chloe nods.
MR: Back in the Oval Office Lex presses a button inside the briefcase. The display reads, "Launch confirmed."

MR: OK. This is my favorite scene.
ED: I don't see any Lois dialogue.
MR: Of course not, why would I ruin my favorite scene? Nukes are flying everywhere.
TW: We can use footage of Lex's dreams of Armageddon.
MR: Or shoot actual nukes. Either works. Lex is on the phone with the President.
TW: The president wants to know what the hell Lex is doing.
MR: "I'm saving the world, Mr. President."
ED: That's your favorite scene?
MR: Tom made me cut the one where Lex punches Lois in the jaw.
ED: Why would you want to punch me in the jaw?
KK: To get you to shut up for five minutes?

TW: Speaking of punches to the jaw... we cut to the scene of the fight
MR: Beat down...
TW: As Chloe runs to Clark's bruised and broken...
AoT: ...and shirtless...
TW: Body.
JG: So does Darkseid put the beat down of Chloe now?
MR: Not yet. He chuckles and informs Chloe not to worry. He didn't kill Kal-El. His suffering has just begun.
TW: Just then we hear the incoming missiles and Darkseid looks up in the sky.
KK: You wouldn't hear the missiles. They're faster then sound.
MR: Shut up. Up in the sky three missiles are converging upon the city.
AoT: Metropolis? You're going to destroy Metropolis?
ED: No way, Lois is there. You can't kill Lois.
JG: Chloe, Clark, Darkseid on the other hand are expendable.
ED: Lionel too.
TW: They aren't going to die.
MR: Yet. They aren't going to die yet.
AM: With nuclear missiles on the way?
KK: I'm thinking commercials first. Then people die.
TW: Good guess, but no.
MR: Chloe gets out a good one liner about Darkseid’s suffering having just begun before she creates a force bubble around her, Clark, what's left of the military.
ED: Which is what, one Pfc. hiding under an overturned jeep trying not to crap his pants?
MR: Pretty much.
AoT: Chloe creates a force what?
TW: A force bubble. Think about the twins that kidnapped Lana and the Kents when Clark was mortal.
AM: That's Lex's big plan for Chloe? A force bubble?
MR: Yes. Lots and lots of them. And it's was a good plan. No a great plan.
TW: Cycle through various cut shots of hundreds of Chlones staining to maintain force bubbles around various famous cities as the nukes hit. They save the Eiffel tower, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Taj Mahal, St. Peters Square, etc.
KK: That's a lot of heroics for Chloe.
MR: Yeah, but also stock footage of famous cities doesn't cost much.
ED: Would the Chlones and there [makes quote sign] "force bubbles" cost something.
MR: Eh, just do the effect once and overlay the same image over each city.
AM: This is going to make Superman IV look like a special effect master piece.
ED: Was Superman IV really that bad?
TW: Superman IV is the reason I refuse to ever wear the suit.
MR: Meanwhile Apokoliptic ships explode. The armies turn to dust, etc. etc. Oh, yeah, including Lionel in the flag ship over Metropolis.
JG: What?!?!! You can't kill Lionel!!!
MR: Oh, really? Because I just did.
ED: Right! It's Lois you can't kill. She's in a force bubble, right?
MR: Unfortunately. Damn DC restrictions.
ED: Yes!
JG: You bast...
MR: Go on, say it. I know you want to.
JG: You bastard.
MR: Magnificent bastard?
JG: No. I refuse to give you the satisfaction.
MR: Fine. Killing off Lionel was pleasure enough.
TW: Finally under the strain the Chlones all just kind of burn out and fall under the strain.

Continued...

7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part IV)

TW: So now Clark kicks Darkseid's ass and opens the PZ portal.
MR: There's no kicking of ass. It's like a even fight.
TW: Sure there's ass kicking.
MR: Clark beats Darkseid with everything he's got and Darkseid mostly just takes it. Every once is awhile Darkseid takes a swing. Mostly he misses but when he hits Clark gets launched into the side of a building. Clark is a lot faster but when he hits Darkseid it doesn't seem to phase him.
KK: I hope the fight lasts longer than you took to describe it.
MR: Oh, yes, unbelievable carnage. We have it completely mapped out.
TW: Or whatever the budget can handle.
AM: So, like a completely lame let down, probably less than a minute.
MR: We can do better than that.
TW: If the budget allows.
MR: Screw the budget!
TW: Then can we take the FX out of your pay check?
MR: Eh, my check? [To AM] It'll probably be a completely lame let down.
TW: Anyway, even with the focused sunlight he's obviously out classed by Darkseid but Clark goes at him with so much gusto he's somehow able to get Darkseid to fall to his knees.
MR: Darkseid smiles through it all, even as Clark winds up for the knockout punch.

TW: Cut to the fortress. The black crystal Lionel left shimmers and one by one the other crystals near it turn completely black.
MR: Martha looks horrified but no amount of diddling with the dildos helps.
TW: Diddling?
AoT: Isn't that what you do with dildos?
TW: I don't think I want to know.

MR: Enough of Martha's diddling back to Clark and Darkseid.
TW: Can we not use the word diddling, please. Clark stops his wind up as the lights go completely out and looks over head. Darkseid laughs.
TW: More determined than ever Clark winds up again for that final punch.
MR: But Darkseid calmly reaches out and catches Clarks' fist with his hand. With his opposing arm he punches Clark in the face sending him crashing through a nearby wall. Darkseid stands back up, "Your the treachery against your adopted homeworld is almost.. admirable."
TW: Clark gets a crazed look in his eyes as he hits at Darkseid completely ineffectually. "I'm protecting them.... from you!"
MR: With an evil chuckle big D just smiles, seemingly completely unaffected by Clark's onslaught. "Protect them? How endearingly naive. Kal-El, you have doomed them."

TW: Back at the roof of the DP.
ED: Lois barks at the Bittleman, "What the hell's happening?"
MR: "I don't know. It's completely dark. The camera can't pick up a thing."
ED: Lois looks down in defeat. After a beat pull back to show her hand on the military goggles from the helicopter. She gets that "I have an idea" look.
KK: That's novel. Have you ever had to do that look before, Erica.
ED: Shut up.
JG: You might need to practice that since Lois so rarely gets an idea.
ED: I said shut up!

MR: "Did you really believe I didn't know what you had planed, Kal-El, down to the smallest detail?"
TW: Quick cut to Chloe looking worried. Then back to Clark as he tries to punch the big D again.
MR: But this time Darkseid catches his fist with ease again. "You're pathetic." He throws Clark against a building and then struts over to Clark as he lays in the rubble, "Did you really think you could beat me? That you even had a chance?"
TW: Clark struggles to reach his PZ bracelet, "I will beat you." And he flings the bracelet toward his adversary.
MR: It opens and sucks lots of debris inside but the big D doesn't even budge.
TW: Focus back on Clark, suddenly worried that the portal isn't going to work after all.
KK: Imagine that. Clark Kent has a plan that falls through.
TW: Hush.
MR: "How quaint." Darkseid's Omega beam shoots out of his eyes and disintegrates the portal. "This planet you so love will pay the price of your hubris."
TW: Quick cut to Clark. Gulp.

MR: Then back to the planet roof. Lois looking into the camera.
ED: "The is Lois Lane reporting from the roof of the Daily Planet as the hand over of Kal-El has apparently gone horribly wrong."
AM: Not much unlike the show itself.
TW: She turns and looks through the binoculars then we switch to monochrome green of night vision goggles of D standing over Clark. MR: Back to Lois as she puts the goggles back down and faces the camera again.
ED: "Darkseid is physically beating Kal-El with such force and brutality our armed forces can only stand by and watch."

TW: Back to Lionel's office. Lionel is watching the video feed with a grimace. The Darkseid lackey grins. John?
JG: "You have what you came for. Take Kal-El and be gone."
TW: "My dear Mr. Luthor, we have no intention of leaving."
JG: Lionel tries to spin, "What interest could you possibly have in this primitive planet? We're of no use to you, now that you have Kal-El."
TW: "On the contrary, Earth man, this planet is invaluable to Lord Darkseid."
JG: "But..."
TW: "Darkseid learned early on though General Zod that torture isn't how to really get to a good Kryptonians. No. The best way to make a Kryptonian suffer is by causing the ones they love most pain. Kal-El loves this planet." The lackey lowers his voice, "Trust me when I say Lord Darkseid intends to see Kal-El suffer."
JG: [Checking the script] Lionel is speechless?
MR: Of course. He's just be out bastardized.
TW: The lackey opens a boom tube and in exchange for his help the lackey offers Lionel safe passage on Darkseid's flagship.
MR: Lionel takes one last look out the window solemnly steps through.
AoT: Ouch.
JG: Don't worry. Lionel will figure out a way to get rid of these pests.
ED: Yeah. Helping them defeat Clark was a great start.
JG: Shut up, Durance.

Continued...

7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part III)

TW: Clark address Lex before even turning around, "I've almost got..." but when he turns and sees Chloe he stops, his expression turn to one of confusion.
KK: Clark confused? You're kidding, right?
TW: No need to be sarcastic, "Chloe?" Then with a hint of anger, "Lex, this isn't part of the plan."
JG: I get it. He doesn't want to share Lex with Chloe, does he?
AM: Besides, when have things ever gone according to plan on this show?
MR: Lex is Grim, "The plan has changed Clark."
ED: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
KK: Hey, Clark, and maybe a few viewers required explanation.
AoT: You covered it in the cheesy opening scene where every one completed every else sentence.
JG: Maybe this is for the ones who were late returning from the toilet during the commercial break.
AM: And considering the level of intoxication this show must require that could be a considerable chunk of the audience.
AoT: Leave it then.
TW: Clark looks at Chloe with worry.
MR: Lex holds up some hand restraints and flicks a switch causing them to glow green. "It's OK, Clark. It'll all be over soon." He taps his Bluetooth, "This is Lex Luthor. The package has been acquired. Preparing for drop off, downtown Metropolis."
TW: Pull back to show Chloe standing next to Clark in shocked betrayal, Allison?
AM: Oh, you actually expect me to participate in the assassination of my character?
MR: Just read the damn line and pick up your paycheck, OK?
AM: This is more than just...
TW: One more episode, Allison, one more episode.
AM: [heavy sigh] "Metropolis!?!? Lex, this isn't what I signed on for!" Could the meta get any heavier?
MR: "I'm sorry, Chloe."
AM: "Sorry? There's no way I'm dropping Clark off in Metropolis. You might as well sign the death warrant of everyone in the city." Blah. Can't Chloe just tell Lex to stick a crystal dildo up his ass?
TW: If we were on HBO could say it.
JG: If we were on HBO we could do it!
TW: Let's leave that to the fan fiction writers, shall we?
AM: Chloe gives Lex the evil eye. "Call it off, Lex. Or I will."
MR: "If you call it off everyone in Metropolis and possibly the world dies anyway. Is that what you want?"
ED: Ouch. What's behind door number three?
MR: There is no door number three.
AM: That's our Smallville, home of false choices.
TW: Chloe hesitates.
MR: "At least this way they have a chance... as long as you hold up your end of the bargain."
AM: Chloe narrows her eyes at Lex and walks away, pulling Clark along with her, his hands now shackled by the restraints Lex brought.
JG: I take it we're not getting that three way bondage scene after all?
TW: No.
ED: And Clark doesn't say anything? Is he mute?
JG: He's just being a good sub.
TW: Shut up! "What are you planning Lex?!!?"
MR: Lex just turns away with a pained look on his face.
AM: Cut to Chloe leading Clark along. "It's better you don't know, Clark."

MR: Lois and Bittleman going up the stairs.
ED: "What do you think you are doing?"
MR: "I figure if I'm going to die anyway it might as well be in a blaze of glory."
ED: "Stealing Evelyn's camera is blazing glory?"
KK: Now Lois gets ethics?
MR: "St. Peter can add it to may tab after this Darkseid grinds your friend Kal-El's bones to make his bread. Personally I'm hoping little Jack-El has a few magic beans up his sleeve. Maybe the bigger they are the harder they fall, you know?" He taps the camera, "Either way at least we'll have it all here on film for future generations. If there are any."
TW: They reach the top of the stair well and go through the door to the roof. Crane view of how far down the streets are. The people below are little more than dots.
MR: A sudden gust of wind nearly blows Lois off balance and right over the roof before Bittleman catches her.
ED: "Oh my God."
MR: "You can do this, Lane." He hands her the microphone.
JG: What? No derogatory fairy tale name?
TW: Not this time.
MR: "The world needs to hear this story. And you're going to tell it."
KK: Can we get some cheesy inspirational scoring here?
TW: Of course.
KK: I was being sarcastic.
ED: Lois, looking more shell shocked than confident nods.

TW: Back to Clark in a dark van as it bumps along. Chloe sits across from him, "I hope you know what you're doing."
AM: "I'm sorry Clark, but you know as well as anyone we're out of options."
MR: The van comes to a halt.
TW: Clark seems sad, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry for putting you... putting everyone through this."
AM: Chloe chokes back a tear, "I'm sorry too, Clark." Chloe puts a... she what?
TW: She puts a hood over Clark's head and bangs the back of the door.
AM: This is getting completely out of hand.
KK: It's crazy logic. Don't fight it.
MR: As the doors are opened from the outside light floods in. Darkseid's form comes into focus several yards away surrounded by a line of his parademons. He smiles in victory.
TW: Chloe shoves Clark out of the van. He lands on his side and struggles to his knees as Chloe steps out behind him and the MPs close the van doors.
MR: Darkseid strolls forward and studies at Clark kneeling at his feet, he takes a moment to look Chloe in the eye and smile before turning his attention back to Clark, "I did you ever think, even for a second, they wouldn't turn against you, Kal-El?"
TW: A quick repeat of Chloe defiant look. The camera follows down her arm to her hand where she presses "Send" on her brand new Verizon phone.
AM: Verizon?
TW: Or Sprint. Whoever is willing to pay our bills.

MR: Back to the top of DP building with a blurry camera view of Clark kneeling, hood off.
ED: Lois from off-screen, "Have you got it?"
MR: "I just need to adjust the focus."
TW: Cut to show Lois and Bittleman.
ED: "Maybe you should have kid napped Evelyn's camera man. I mean, if you going to commit felony why not go all out?"
MR: "Maybe you're right, sister Teresa. Why don't you shut the hell up before I add murder to the list."
ED: "Why you..."
MR: "Looks like they've pulled the hood off Kal-El."
ED: Lois tries to see into the view finder "What's he look like?"
MR: "Back off, Bambi, you're not making this any easier!"
TW: Switch to camera view. Clark comes into focus. He's standing nose to nose with Darkseid.
MR: Actually nose to nipple but you get the picture.
AoT: Is Darkseid really that tall?
MR: Only if he's not played by David Bowie.
TW: He's not...
MR: Nose to nipple, then. Bittleman, "Got it!"
TW: Then the screen goes white. Switch to an over saturated view the roof. Lois shields her eyes as she looks up in the sky
ED: "What the...?"

MR: Inside the fortress Martha tinkers with Clark's crystal dildos.
TW: Stop it.
MR: As the light gets brighter she smiles nervously that it's working.

Continued...

7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part II)

MR: When we come back queue up the "two hours earlier" cue card.
AM: Great, another flashback episode. Are you two completely bankrupt for ideas?
TW: What's wrong with flashback episodes?
AM: Other pretty much giving away the ending at the beginning?
TW: We're not giving away the ending!
ED: Nuking the entire planet isn't the end? Even I'm not buying that.
MR: Well, it's not the whole ending.
AM: Whole or not. There can't be much suspense until we catch up with the teaser, can there?
MR: Does there need to be?
AM: Of course! How can people enjoy this show if they know how it's going to end from the beginning!?!?!
TW: Remind me again what the premise of our entire series?
AM: Shut up!
MR: And since when has this show been enjoyable?
AM: Oh, just shut up, the both of you, OK?
TW: We open act one with a close up of Darkseid's ugly lackey.
MR: "The incompetence of your people tries our patience, earthman."
TW: He's in Lionel's office. Lionel gazes out his window at the many war ships dotting the skies of Metropolis. "You will have Kal-El soon enough."
MR: "The timeliness of the hand over will be determined by the mighty Darkseid alone. Pray to your gods that Darkseid's patience runs deeper than mine."
TW: Lionel suppresses a chuckle and hesitates for a moment, as if for a brief moment his conscience bothers him.
JG: Yeah, right.
MR: "Speaking of the hand-off. May I recommend..."
TW: Cut directly to the DP news room. Lois is on the phone with her dad..
AM & MR: The general
TW: Erica?
ED: "... a change of plan? You can't let them do this!"
MR: Bittleman breezes in, "Do what, Rapunzel? The Prez say something bad about your alien frog prince again?"
TW: Ignoring Bittleman, "I don't care how dangerous you think it is. I'm not leaving..."

MR: Cut directly to... me. In my limo on the phone. I'm shocked, concerned, whatever...
KK: Figure it out on the set?
MR: Right. But when we rent the limo I want it to have a wet bar.
AoT: You want Lex drinking?
TW: Not a bad choice considering what he's about to do.
MR: No, I want to be drinking.
AM: Me too.
MR: Get your own limo, Mack. "...Metropolis?" after a pause, "Understood, Mr. President." There's another pause, "Of course it complicates things. But we haven't lost yet." Lex hangs up his phone and contemplates for a moment. Then to the driver, "One more stop before the airport."

TW: Chloe cave. Chlone's work at fixing things up after Chloe's little freak out earlier.
MR: The place still looks like hell. Lex enters the frame and glances around, "I like what you've done to the place."
TW: Chloe isn't very happy to see him. Allison?
AM: "What do you want, Lex?"
MR: "I need your help."
KK: Lex needs Chloe's help? Never thought I'd see that.
AM: Chloe chuckles, "My help? I wouldn't raise a finger to cool your lips if you were burning in the pits of Tartarus."
TW Lex tries to touch Chloe's elbow but she pulls away.
MR: "Chloe, I know about Clark."
AM: She doesn't seem surprised, "You were bound to figure it out sooner or later. That doesn't change things between us."
MR: Lex gets serious, "Don't pretend you don't know what's a stake here."
AM: "I won't hurt him, Lex."
MR: "I'm not asking you to help me hurt Clark." He exhales and makes those big puppy dog eyes no woman...
JG: Or mysterious visitor from another planet...
MR: ...can resist. "I'm asking you to help me save the world."
ED: And if Clark gets hurt in the process?
JH: Eh, small price to pay.
ED: So says the god of bastards.
JG & KK: So say we all.

TW: Cut to our good old TV reporter Evelyn leaning against the side of her news van.
MR: As the camera pulls back we see a crowd gathered by a military blockade.
TW: Lois and Bittleman are headed for the barricade with Bittleman going on and on about how Lois' refusal to evacuate is going to get him killed. Evelyn calls out to them. Kristen?
KK: Lana's dead. I don't have to read anymore.
TW: Allison?
AM: "Don't bother. They're not letting press through."
MR: Bittleman, "Ah, yes! See, Lois?" He turns and grabs her elbow, "We really should get going... like all the sane people."
ED: Lois wiggles free of Bittleman's grasp. To Evelyn, "Maybe they're not letting you through." Lois turns back toward the blockade.
AM: Evelyn chuckles, "Good luck."
ED: Lois stops and turns back around as if to yell at Bittleman but he's disappeared so instead she vents to Evelyn. "How could they do this? The people have a right to know!" What? Lois gives up just like that?
KK: What show have you been watching the show these past four years?
MR: Tom cut the part where Lois fails miserably at getting through the blockade.
KK: Better a quitter than a loser.
ED: Gee, thanks, Tom.
TW: The script was running a little long.
AM: "Preaching to the choir, girlfriend. Government cameras only. Everybody's running with the C-span feed."
ED: Lois frowns, "Screw C-span!" Lois glances at camera mounted on a cherry picker atop the van.
AM: Seeing where Lois is going, "Tried it. The extend-a cam doesn't go high enough for decent footage. And forget a helicopters, the alien warships will shoot them down.
ED: Lois thinks a moment.
KK: I hope she doesn't sprain her brain.
AoT: Actually I think it's about now something amazingly lucky usually falls right into her lap.
TW: Which makes it all the more surprising Lois does a double when she sees Bittleman emerge from the news van holding the station's handy cam, his finger to his lips.
MR: When Lois narrows her eyes he gestures wildly for her to distract Evelyn and then points to himself, then to Lois, then to the top of DP building.
AoT: Bittleman is stealing the station camera? For Lois? And the station is going to broadcast it? How does that make any sense?
MR: Yeah, well, it's the finale. Things don't have to make sense.
KK: As if our regular season episodes make sense?
AM: "Is something wrong Lois?" Evelyn glances toward the van.
ED: "Oh, no! It's just that... this whole military thing. And the Kal-El triangle. Er.. Bermuda triangle. It's really got me down, you know?" What the hell does that mean?
AM: That's pretty much what Evelyn asks.
KK: It's pretty much what every single viewer is going to be asking.
MR: That's the point. While Lois is distracting, no make that confusing the hell out of Evelyn and maybe even herself we see Bittleman flee the scene, handy cam under his arm.
ED: "Actually everything is fine. Really. I've got to go. Go work on a story. On Kal-El. And the Bermuda triangle. Bye!"
MR: As Lois dashes off we focus on Evelyn as she gives the camera a "there goes a crazy woman" look.
ED: Crazy like a fox!

TW: FOS. Clark is at the console moving crystals around...
MR: Insert your favorite ambiguous autoerotic subtext into the exposition here.
AoT: Since when have we settled for ambiguous?
TW: Annette...
AoT: Yeah, can we actually call a spade a spade for once and use the words "crystal dildo"?
TW: No!
AoT: Spoil sport.
MR: Unfortunately for the audience before Clark gets to pleasuring himself Chloe and Lex show up.
AoT: He can at least get his shirt off, right?
TW: Annette...
AoT: Just asking.

Continued...

7.22 Eclipse by MR & TW (Part I)

TW: Open with Lois facing the camera, KTMP microphone in her hand.
ED: Lois is now a television reporter?
MR: Just pay attention and don't interrupt.
ED: Can I at least read my lines?
MR: If you must.
ED: "This is Lois Lane reporting for KTMP from atop the Daily Planet building." So she is a television reporter!
MR: No.
ED: But...
MR: Just read.
AM: [Sigh] Why are we starting with her anyway?
TW: You'll see.
ED: OK, "Where in moments military forces plan to hand the mysterious visitor from another planet..."
KK: You just can't resist, can you, Tom?
ED: Hello?! I'm reading here!
TW: It could be our last episode. We had to get a few in.
AM: A few? Great.
ED: "...known simply as 'Kal-El' over to..."
JG: Known "simply as" or know "as simple"?
KK: Either applies, I suppose.
TW: Shut up.
ED: Am I going to be able to finish here or not?
JG: I don't know Erica, are any big words coming up?
ED: Stuff it, Glover. "...over to the supreme leader of Apo... Apoko...
MR: Apokolips.
ED: What Michael said, "Lord Darkseid." Who comes up with these names anyway?
TW: Comic writers.
ED: But Apoko... er, Darkseid? Seriously?
KK: Just be thankful it's not an episode with the Legion of Super Heroes.
MR: Don't diss Lightning Lad. He's cool!
ED: "Lad"? God, if we do an episode with them I hope to God I'm not in it.
TW: That can be arranged.
AM: I'm with Erica.
ED: You have a full contract. You'd have to be in it. Ha!
AM: I meant I hoped you weren't in it.
KK: Ouch.
MR: Be nice, Allison. As we get toward the end of Erica's little monologue we transition to show it's was being viewed on someone's TV.
TW: The president's Oval Office TV to be exact. And Lex Luthor in his crisp white Armageddon suit shuts it off.
ED: How dare he shut off Lois!
MR: Only way to get her to shut up. To a secret service person, "It's time."
TW: The secret service person hesitates.
MR: "Must I remind you the president has given me full authority of national security matters?"
TW: The man hands Lex an aluminum briefcase, "Of course, Mr. Luthor."
MR: Lex uses his thumb print to verify his identity. It unlocks and he opens the nuclear lock computer. He taps his Blue Tooth, "Chloe. I knew I could count on you."
TW: Switch to a close up of Chloe. She seems slightly bitter. Allison?
AM: Slightly bitter, huh? I think I can handle that. "It's not as if you left me any choice." Chloe is working with Lex?
MR: Yep. Back to Lex, "I know you have your reservations, but unless you have a better plan ..."
AM: "...to save the world let you know. Got it. Chloe out."
ED: She finished his sentence. How romantic.
AM: Shut up.
TW: Pull back to show reveal Chloe is riding in the back of a van next to Clark who finally speaks, "Chloe, you don't have to do this."
AM: Doesn't have to what? What is she going to do?
MR: Just read, will you?
AM: "Lex is right, Clark. This is the only way." She pauses when the Van comes to a halt. "I'm sorry, Clark." Light flows in as Chloe opens the door now revealing Clark is in glowing green shackles. Chloe... she what?
MR: She shoves Clark out.
JG: Face first into the dirt? I love it!
AM: No way.
TW: Yeah. Clark lands with a thud in front of a huge set of feet.
MR: The huge feet of David Bowie...
TW: Yeah, right. Of big ugly cgi Darkseid.
MR: Voiced by David Bowie.
TW: In your dreams. "Kal-El. How kind of you to drop by."
KK: "Drop by"? You can't be serious.
TW: I liked it.
ED: Even I think it's bad.
AoT: It's bad for Smallville bad.
MR: I told you.
TW: Fine. We'll go with your version.
MR: Yes!
TW: "Kal-El. How quickly they turned on you surprises even me." He casts an admiring eye at Chloe who glares back in defiance. "They are a cruel, vile people Kal-El, they just lacked the light to show them the way."
ED: Oh. That's just...
JG: I like it.
ED: You would.
KK: I think I almost like the "drop by" line better.
MR: The line rocks and you know it, Kristin. Cut back to Lex. "Lex Luthor authorization Alpha, Mike, Sierra, Uniform, Charlie, Kilo."
TW: The computer accepts the authorization and displays the text "Nuclear launch authority accepted... Awaiting launch confirmation."
KK: So nuking Smallville wasn't enough? You have to nuke Metropolis too?
MR: Who said it's just Metropolis?
AM: "Just Metropolis?" What, are you insane?
ED: Is it just me, or did Lex Luthor's authorization code spell out "AM Sucks?"
AM: What?!?!
AoT: Oh, that's pretty low, Michael.
MR: "Suck", as in Al & Miles suck!
AoT: You know, one of these days you might realize that Al & Miles weren't so bad. We could have worse show runners.
MR: Worse than Singer?
AoT: Maybe.
TW & MR: Doubtful.
ED: You really think something like this will get by them?
MR: If they can't spot the difference between ancestor and descendant they're not going to catch this one.
TW: But if they do the plan is to claim "AM" stands for Allison Mack.
AM: The hell?
MR: Gotta have a plan B.
AM: Plan B is that I suck? Ever think about going with it being a completely random coincidence?
TW: Or we could go that way.
AM: You sure as hell better!
MR: Problem is then they might make me change it.
AM: Screw you, Rosenbaum!
TW: And with that we hit the credits.
MR: Somebody saaaaaaave me!

Continued...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XVIII)

as retold by Bill C

TW [sighs]: Cut to a ground-level shot of a street in Metropolis as a group of people run past in a panic. As it empties, the camera pulls back and pans up as two people's legs enter the shot; the pan shows it to be Lex and Clark as they walk a few feet and stop.
MR: Oh, God, now I've got that song in my head.
KK: It's oddly appropriate, isn't it?
ED: It totally spoils the Rocky thing, but it still fits the HoYay...so I'm okay with it.
TW: Clark and Lex both silently look up into the sky, and we switch to a from-below reverse shot to show them looking up at one of the huge Lego spaceships, now hovering over Metropolis.
AoT: Dammit, Kristin, why did you have to mention that song?
KK: It's stuck in your head too?
AoT: It's so bad...
KK: But perfect for this show!
JG [hums a few bars]: Dare I say it, you're probably right.
AoT: Well...yeah.
AM: Cut to a slow zoom on the window in Lionel's office as the music gets even more urgent. Lionel is standing there, arms folded, looking off-camera-left with the ship being reflected in the glass. Hard cut to a profile shot of him, looking serious.
ED: Traitor cat surveyin' his handiwork!
JG: Bastard cat now owns the humans.
ED: I had no idea you spoke lolcat, John!
[total silence]
KK: Okay. That I never saw coming.
AM: All right, John, you've really got to explain--
JG: Oh no. Never. Not in a million years.
AoT: Come on, you--
JG: No!
MR [quietly]: "I'm in your show, rulin' your planet."
JG [to MR]: Now, see, I like that idea.
KK: More like "I'm in your show, killin' your quality."
MR: Or plot.
ED: Or wardrobe.
[everybody looks at ED]
ED: What?
TW: Okay, so we jump cut to a long shot of the control panel in the FoS, and zoom in to show a single black crystal inserted in the middle of all the clear and white ones.
JG [slowly grins]: The God of Bastards' parting shot! Yes!
TW: Well, it could have been a parademon--
JG [pulls out his tranquilizer gun and aims it at TW]: You will not take this moment from me, Welling!
TW [long pause]: ...aaaand cut to a rear shot of Lionel, centered in the picture with the ship seemingly right outside his office window.
JG [lowers gun, then scowls]: Oh for chrissakes, Kreuk! You had to mention that damn song!
KK [smiles sweetly]: One of us...one of us...
AoT: It's okay, John. It's still better than whatever that Snow guy will make up.
AM: She's got a point.
ED: Just for a change, could we get the BSG poundy drum guy?
AM: I actually suggested he score an episode once. He passed out from laughing so hard.
ED: Oh. Ouch.
TW: And back to the frontal shot of Clark and Lex, still looking up at the ship.
MR: Lex gets the last line in the episode, as the camera pans around them and he briefly looks sideways at Clark. "I never would have dreamed this day would come, Clark. In just about any sense of the word."
ED [snickers]: And the HoYay continues--thanks, Allison!
JG [imitates TW]: "I've always loved you, Lex."
MR: "I'm so glad you told me before the end! Take me!"
AM [sings]: Dada da daa, dadada da daa...dada da daa, dadada da daa...
TW [shakes head]: And we go to a closer shot of the spaceship, and the music hits a crescendo as we cut hard to black and then pop up a 'To Be Continued...' title card.
AM+ED+KK: Dada da daa, dadada da daaa...
[JG and AoT look at each other, then shrug]
JG+AoT [singing]: It's the final countdown!
AM+ED+KK: Dada da daa, dadada da daaa...dada da daa, dadada da daa...
JG+AoT: The final countdown!
AM+ED+KK: Dada da daa...
TW [sighs quietly]: Lunatics.
AM+ED+KK+TW: ...dadada da daaa...dada da daa...
All: ...dadada da da da daa, dadadaa, dada daa da da da daa DA DAAA...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XVII)

as retold by Bill C

TW: Back to Clark as Kalibak's arms loosen and drop. Clark then rears back and punches Kalibak right in the jaw with everything he's got; tracking shot as Kalibak goes flying, nearly taking out Lionel--
JG: Wait, Lionel's been in the same spot during all of this?
TW: Yes. Kalibak hits the far wall, making a crater of his own, and slumps to the ground in a big sprawl--and the camera zooms in to his face, which looks completely devoid of any sort of expression other than his eyes being crossed. The two black marks on his forehead are smoking and bleeding rather profusely down his face.
MR: Damn, Tom. That is gross.
KK: Angry Clark is...angry.
TW: Deal with it. Back to a from-below shot of Clark, breathing heavily and looking completely maniacal, clothes torn and bleeding in a couple of spots. Total silence as he stands there, and as we cut to Martha looking genuinely shocked by what she just saw...then Hope, also shocked...then Lex's suit slowly lowering its arm.
KK: I...holy shit, Clark just deliberately--
AoT [sings]: Mama, just killed a man...put my eyes up to his head, pulled the trigger now he's dead--
TW: He's not dead.
KK: Braindead is better?
TW: Yes, goddammit.
KK: You been smoking your own crazy logic there, Tom?
AM [to TW]: Now, see, this is how I managed to sneak the HoYay by you.
TW: Yeah?
AM: Yeah. You were too focused on that.
TW [sighs]: Damn. So...we go back to Clark as he suddenly looks up and off-camera--and some ominous
"Oh, hell..." music cranks up as we cut to Lionel looking just a little--
KK: Like "Oh, shit, what the hell did I just do?"
TW: Basically, yeah.
MR [astonished]: No way.
JG: You wouldn't dare!
ED: Are you kidding? He would dare!
TW [smirks]: Reverse shot on Lionel as Clark super-speeds up to him and grabs him by the throat, lifting him off the ground. The camera pans up and then angles down to show Clark, still looking crazed, as his eyes begin to glow a faint red.
JG: Tom, if you kill Lionel here--as God is my witness, I'll--
MR: No way! If anybody needs to kill Lionel it's got to be Lex! The son must triumph over the father!
JG: Only if the father doesn't kick his ass first, Rosenbaum!
ED: But Clark is sort of an adopted--
MR: Shut up!
ED: Kind of? Like a cous--
JG+MR: Shut up!
AoT: No, no, wait. The next shot is Martha calling out across the room. "Clark, no!"
KK: Martha talks him down? [thinks] I suppose this was coming, too...
ED: Really? I didn't see it coming.
AM: Reverse shot on Clark of Lionel gasping for air.
AoT: Martha, now thoroughly disheveled, runs across the room and up to Clark. She then touches his arm. "Don't...don't do it, Clark. Let him go. Come on...don't do it, honey. Let him go."
TW: Clark doesn't say anything, but we see his head turn slightly in Martha's direction. Back to the reverse shot of Lionel as the red fades from Clark's eyes, and then a three-shot as he slowly lowers Lionel to the ground. Clark then stalks off out of the shot.
JG: Lionel gasps for air some more. "Th-thank you, Martha. I--"
AoT [huge grin]: Martha glares at him, sounding both angry and hurt. "It's better than you deserve. You betrayed Clark. And you betrayed me. And you were about to...to..." And... [pauses] ooh.
KK: Oooh?
AM: Reverse shot on Lionel as Martha just up and punches him.
ED+KK+MR: Damn.
AoT: In the face.
ED+KK+MR: Damn!
JG [sourly]: I hate this. The God of Bastards shouldn't have to put up with this.
TW: Welcome to Clark's world, John.
JG: Oh, fuck you.
MR: Martha Kent resorting to violence? God, the ratings...
TW [cheerfully]: The camera pans down as Lionel falls to the ground.
JG: Fuck you!
AM: Lex pops a hatch on his battlesuit and we cut to his head looking around for a few seconds, all business. We then go to a shot of Clark, breathing heavily and still pissed, facing a wall--and he suddenly punches it hard enough to get his arm up to the elbow in it.
KK: Oh, that's nothing like being punched into a wall. That sucks.
TW: Closeup on his pissed face, and we go to commercials.
ED: So how do we follow up Clark lobotomizing a man?
MR: A Vagisil spot?
KK: Bonus points for ripping off Justice League, Tom. I never imagined you'd ever plagiarize that.
TW: What?
KK: Come on, the heat-vision lobotomy was already done.
TW: I came up with it on my own!
KK: Sure you did.
TW: I did!
KK: So, what happens after the commercials?
TW [grumbles]: Allison, tell her this was my idea?
AM: Let it go, man. We come back from the ads on a panning shot across the FoS, from Hope and Lex to Lionel sitting on the edge of the control panel nursing his cheek where Martha punched him--
JG: I'm saying it again: fuck you.
AM: --and over to Martha with her hand on Clark's shoulder as he stands there glaring off-camera.
TW: Clark gets a line. "Mom, I--I've got to try again. This has to stop Darkseid...regardless of what he thinks." He aims his glare at Lionel for a second while talking.
AM: Quick shot of Lionel looking up, obviously in a little pain, but he doesn't say anything.
AoT: Closeup of Martha. "Clark, if you're sure..."
TW: Bitter Clark. "Well, we can't wait until Steppenwolf or Darkseid show up and then throw them into the Phantom Zone."
KK [laughs]: And there's our Plan B, folks.
AM: And at this point we hear Jor-El's voice.
ED: Okay, why didn't Jor-El speak up while Clark was, oh, beating down Lionel's new friends?
[AM looks at TW]
AM: We never figured that out, did we?
TW: Damn, I knew we forgot something.
AM: Okay, so he says something about...um...
KK: Being disabled by Tom's bullshit "dramatic license"?
ED: Or Lionel opening the boom tube into the FoS?
TW: I like it. [scribbles in script] Okay, disruption by the boom tube, yadda yadda yadda. Though that comes after he says how he isn't normally powerful enough to create a portal outside of the FoS, let alone one powerful enough to hold an immensely powerful being such as Darkseid.
AM: Accompanied by a shot of Lex and Hope looking around in surprise for the mystery voice.
MR: Yeah, Kristin, you're right. Plan B.
KK: You'd think it'd be easier to pick out.
MR: We're slipping in our old age.
AoT: Old age?
TW: Will you stop?
AM: At about this point, we cut to Hope as a low chime sounds. She digs a cellphone out of a bag she's carrying and answers it as some ominous music probably reused from a previous episode starts up. "Go."
ED: Hope's the Exposition Fairy again?
AM: Pretty much. Cut to Lex looking down at her from inside his suit, then pan over as she finishes listening to the caller. "Yes, General Weiss. Of..of course."
TW: We jump cut to reaction shots of Lionel and Martha as Hope talks.
AM: She finally hangs up, then looks up at Lex. Her face is pale. "Lex, General Weiss...he said that satellites in orbit have detected what appear to be spacecraft near the Moon."
KK+MR: Dun-dun!

KK: There's no way we can use the Independence Day soundtrack, is there?
ED: What about the old show with the hamster-eating aliens disguised as humans?
AM: Quiet, you. "Large ships, definitely not asteroids or space debris. And they appear to be moving towards Earth at some sort of approach speed...ETA, approximately eight hours."
TW: Lionel pipes up at this point. "The deadline wasn't for another two days!"
JG: As his final humiliation, you're showing Lionel as a whiny bitch? Fuck you, Welling!
TW: He's not really whiny, he's just...well...
AM: He's kind of whiny.
JG: Mack? What am I about to say?
AM: Fuck you?
JG: Precisely.
MR: Lex chips in right about now. "Wonderful job delaying us, Dad. Martha's right--this is all you've left us. Now we have no choice but to fight."
TW: Clark walks up to Lionel. Still sounds pissed. "You didn't really believe that someone like Darkseid would keep his word, did you?"
JG: Lionel speaks quietly, but firmly. "There was no reason to believe otherwise."
TW: "Not even when Fairbanks was attacked? You're deluding yourself."
ED: No, he's just embracing his inner whiny bitch.
[JG scowls]
TW: Clark turns his attention to Lex and Hope. "You'll need to get back as fast as possible, Lex."
MR: Lex puts his serious face on. "Clark...all the military simulations have shown that while we may be able to stop a full-blown invasion...the damage to Earth, the loss of life...both would be astronomical."
JG: Zoom on Lionel as he looks up. "Cut off the head, and the snake will die."
ED: Now he gets philosophical?
TW: It's got a point. Cut to Clark considering Lionel's words. "The head of the snake...that's Darkseid. Zod nuked him on Apokolips, and he survived that..."
AM: Jor-El pipes up again. "He can be imprisoned, given enough power, in the Phantom Zone. Without him, his armies will falter."
TW: "But you said you don't have--"
AM: "There is a solar eclipse tomorrow, Kal-El."
TW: Quick reaction shot of Hope going "How does he know that?"
AM: "While the loss of sunlight will weaken you, it will also strengthen me. This will be the time when you can imprison Darkseid."
TW: At this point the control panel glows slightly. A small white crystal rises from it and floats past Lionel over to Clark, where it drops into his open hand.
KK: McGuffin, go!
TW: Closeup on it to show that it's a larger version of the seal of the House of El.
MR: Back to Lex. "All right. So if we can hold out long enough for the eclipse to happen..."
TW: And back to Clark. "I can use this to capture Darkseid."
ED: This isn't possibly going to work, is it?
MR: Probably not, but what the hell. "But that means we'll have to draw Darkseid out. How do we do that?"
JG: Slow zoom on Lionel as he again speaks up. "Darkseid is powerful--but his strength is matched by his vanity. While he may be satisfied to see Earth simply conquered, I think he would prefer to see it...humbled. Broken."
MR: Lex nods. "And he himself would show up to ensure that happens...especially if his true enemy were fighting on the side of the lowly humans."
AoT: Cut to Martha looking away from Clark, off-camera. "His true...you mean Clark?"
KK: Technically it'd probably be this old alien guy, but Clark works too.
JG: "He would eventually appear if Kal-El fought...to defend his chosen home. His vendetta against Krypton would demand it."
AoT: "So if Clark stood with the rest of humanity...and fought with them..."
TW: "Considering how everyone on the planet considers Kal-El a fugitive from interstellar justice, that might not go over very well." Pan up from Martha to Clark looking serious. "But since we're out of time...and I don't want anyone else getting hurt--"
MR: "We'll figure something out, Clark. But right now we've got to get back."
TW: Back to Clark as he pockets the crystal and walks off-camera. Martha follows him a couple of seconds later, and the camera pans to follow her as she walks past Lionel without a word; hold on Lionel as he quietly straightens up and follows her out of the shot.
JG: I don't believe you did this, Welling. Wouldn't it have been more humane to simply kill Lionel rather than turn him into...that?
KK: At least you weren't turned into a sexbot, John.
JG: Sexbots don't have a whiny bitch mode!
AM [to TW]: Aren't you glad I talked you down from that?
ED: From what?
TW: Yeah, I guess so.
ED: From what?
AM: It's not important.
TW: We cut hard to a CGI shot of Earth from orbit, with the Sun and Moon clearly visible while increasingly ominous "Here comes the pain" music going. After a few seconds, a group of four huge oblong spacecraft--they basically look like abstract skyscrapers made out of metal Lego blocks with lots of lights--slowly move into the shot from the right, accompanied by--
KK: That everpresent low rumbling noise all spaceships make on TV?
ED: Yeah!
TW: ...yeah, that's it.
ED: Space bass in your face, Smallville!
TW: And after a few seconds of that, we cut to a TV screen showing the same image accompanied by Evelyn's voice. "It...it appears that this is the invasion fleet sent from the planet Apokolips, ladies and gentlemen. We have just received word that the President has issued a state of martial law, in addition to mobilizing all emergency relief groups in preparation for a possible attack."
AM: Cut to the Daily Planet bullpen. Lois, Bittleman, and some other reporters are watching the screen in silent astonishment.
KK: You realize that in my head I'm picturing Europe's The Final Countdown playing during this scene, right?
TW: You would, you lunatic.
ED [to KK]: Really? I was kind of thinking it too, though...
KK: Great minds think alike.
AoT: That's a great mind?

Continued...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XVI)

as retold by Bill C

TW: Hope gets a little something to do, rushing over and helping Clark to his feet after his meeting with the wall.
MR: You're going to kill her, aren't you?
TW: No, Hope survives what's coming up next.
KK: What, you're just going to blow off her leg or something?
AM: I fought for that, but nope.
MR: Then you're going to kill Martha?
AoT: I told you--
MR: Right, sorry.
AoT: Wait. Shouldn't Martha be helping her son right about now?
AM: Not in this case. She's still next to Lex, with parademons leveling guns at her, and we cut to her turning away from Clark and just...staring at Lionel. It's not a death glare, but she's really pissed.
AoT: Why can't it be a death glare? If she faced down the President, she can certainly use a death glare after being betrayed by her best friend.
AM [thinks]: Tom, she's got a point.
ED: And I don't think Martha's ever done the death glare before...
TW: It actually doesn't hurt anything. [writes in script] Death glare for Martha.
AoT [surprised]: Really? [worried] You are going to kill her, aren't you?
TW: Oh, for God's sake. Nobody's dying in this scene, okay?
AoT+MR: Okay.
JG: We go from Martha's death glare to Lionel, looking a little unnerved. He shakes it off, though, as befitting a God of Bastards...and then addresses the group. "I'm truly sorry about this. This was the only way to be sure--"
MR: Lex cuts him off, yeah! "To be sure of what, Dad? That your name would end up in the history books?"
ED: Replacing whose, Benedict Arnold's?
JG: Lionel goes all imperious on his son. "You fail to understand, Lex, that this was the only way Darkseid would be satisfied!" He then turns slightly to look at Clark. "The attacks in Alaska, in Russia...those were from splinter elements of General Steppenwolf's army that attacked on their own. When that happened, I--I realized that while your idea of leaving Earth might have worked...there was only one way to be absolutely sure. You...you had--"
TW: Cut to Clark, Hope still at his side. Some quietly heroic music cues up. "Lionel, stop."
JG: For the God of Bastards, Lionel is being cut off a lot in this scene.
TW: It doesn't really kill the buzz, John. "You know what? You're probably right."
KK: Clark abandons the crazy logic?
ED: In favor of crazier logic, I think. But I'm not sure.
TW: Tracking shot as Clark slowly walks away from the wall, past the control panel, and ends up right in front of Lionel and Kalibak. His voice gains strength. "This ends now, Lionel. Right now." He turns slightly to look at Kalibak. "If it means the attacks stop..."
AM: Dramatic pause here as we cut to closeups of Lex, Martha, a very quick one of Hope, Kalibak looking annoyed, and finally of Lionel looking imperious.
JG: That's better.
TW: And then back to Clark, as he turns to look Lionel in the eye. "And if no one else will be hurt...then I surrender."
JG: Cut to Lionel nodding. "It's the only way, Clark."
AoT: Hard cut to Martha as she...oh, good. Slow zoom as she gets her mad on, tears in her eyes. "No, Lionel. No. This isn't the only way. It's the only way you left us. And I'm going to make certain--absolutely certain--that the entire world knows that you would sacrifice an innocent man just to save yourself!"
KK: Mama Bear defends her space cub.
JG: Lionel seems to frost up a bit at Martha's words. He hides that too. "I'm doing this for all of us! For humanity!"
KK: Insert "Bullshit" sign here.
JG: "Unfortunately, Martha, while society often looks down on such men history will admit they often played an invaluable part in events."
AM: As he finishes speaking Kalibak punches Clark in the gut. As Clark doubles over, he follows up with a blow to the back and drives him to the ground.
JG: Lionel--dammit, he shows remorse here? No!
TW: It's only for a split-second. Show it, then bury it.
JG: No, dammit! It kills the God of Bastards vibe!
ED: Go for the remorse! That means there's still a chance for Lionel and Martha!
[AoT and JG stare at ED]
ED: ...what?
KK [to ED]: Oh, Christ. Tom's right--you really can't watch General Hospital any more, okay?
JG [shakes head]: Fine. Closeup on Lionel's head as he briefly looks over at Clark getting beat down, that damn flash of remorse...oh, shit, he actually sounds remorseful?
MR: He's a caring God of Bastards! For the new millennium!
JG: Fuck that! You can't even let him do that in private? [sighs] "This...is my invaluable part."
ED: I don't know...that's pretty high-level bastard as it is, John. But, Tom...even I'm ODing on the symbolism here.
KK: Yeah. What next, Lionel stabs Clark in the side with a kryptonite spear?
AM: Kalibak scoops Clark up like a sack of potatoes and slings him over one shoulder. "Father is waiting, Kal-El." He turns and does the slow stomp thing towards the boom tube. After a couple of seconds, Lionel turns and follows him.
TW: Hope gets one more line in this scene. She's our exposition. "What happens now?"
AM: Kalibak stops short of the boom tube. Rapid zoom as he looks over the shoulder that doesn't have Clark on it. "Kill them."
TW: Separate reaction shots of Lex and Martha, looking pissed.
KK [laughs]: Okay. Everybody that didn't see that coming, raise your hand.
ED [raises her hand]: ...oh, wait. You said "didn't," right?
JG: Wide shot as Lionel catches up to Kalibak and speaks urgently at him. "No! They haven't done anything! The deal was to hand over Kal-El in order to end all hostilities!"
MR [deep voice]: "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further!"
TW: Close. "Human, they assisted Kal-El. Kal-El and Zod destroyed an entire city on Apokolips...they must be executed for aiding an enemy of Darkseid."
JG: "No! They are non-combatants!"
TW: "There is no such thing, human." Kalibak turns around entirely and yells, "Kill them! Now!"

AM: Cut to Lex, Martha and Hope, now all gathered together. Jump cut to the parademons leveling their weapons at them. And cut to Clark, still slung over Kalibak's shoulder, murmuring. "No...no..."
ED: Yes! It is Rocky III! [really bad Boston accent] "He's not gettin' killed, he's gettin' mad!"
TW [after a beat, shrugs]: Clark finds his inner Rocky, then. "No!" He struggles a bit and manages to shove himself off Kalibak's shoulder, then as Kalibak starts to turn around he grabs him and spins and shoves with all his strength. Kalibak stumbles forward and falls into the boom tube with a growl, blue flash.
ED [sings]: It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight
TW: We go into super-speed slo-mo for a few seconds as Clark then runs past Lionel and right at the parademons, who were turning in his direction. We come out of it as he hauls off and punches one hard enough to catapult it completely out of the shot.
ED: Rising up to the challenge of our rival
TW: And then we go into this minute-long fight scene where Clark basically beats the parademons into mush, with everyone else looking on.
ED: And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
TW: He gets tag-teamed and shot by a couple of them, but in the end they all just go mush.
ED: And he's watchin' us all in the eye--
KK: You can stop now, Erica.
ED: Oh, come on! Annette gets to do it all the time!
AM [to TW]: We can't possibly use...
[TW stares at AM]
AM: ...right. Okay, so the fight ends after Clark finishes beating down the last parademon. Quick cut to Martha looking relieved, then back to Clark--just as he gets shot by about half a dozen energy weapons.
ED [claps hands]: Round two!
TW: These belong to a phalanx of parademons that just exited the boom tube. Followed by Kalibak--and he looks and sounds pissed. "Kill all the followers of Krypton--but Kal-El is mine!"
AM: Hope rushes over to Lex. "Lex, come on!" They make a run for it as some of the parademons open up, bolts of energy and bits of ice hitting around them as they make it to a corner and duck out of sight.
MR: Lex lives to fight another day!
AM: Martha, meanwhile, dives for cover behind the control panel as the rest of the 'demons fire at her.
AoT: If there was ever a time when Martha needed a gun, this is it.
TW: Clark rushes the parademons and basically body-blocks a big chunk of them. Cut to Kalibak growling, still pissed, and go to a long pan as he literally leaps clear across the room and tackles Clark to the ground. He then grabs Clark's head and smashes it into the ice, very deliberately, five times. Each smash is punctuated by a really loud crunch.
KK: Looks like Clark is now Kalibak's bitch.
JG: I'm guessing Zod left some smokes on Apokolips before he nuked it.
TW: Kalibak is ranting while smashing. "You destroyed my city! You hurt my father! We destroyed Krypton, and we'll destroy the last Kryptonian--now!"
AM: Quick shot of Lionel looking genuinely hurt at all this.
JG: He's faking it! The God of Bastards must fake it!
AoT: You're starting to sound like Michael, John. This isn't a good thing.
TW: Kalibak pauses after the last smash. "Come out, human! Come out and witness the death of your savior!"
AoT: Zoom as Martha stands up behind the control panel. She's royally pissed. "That...is...my son."
TW: Zoom on Kalibak. "This is the last Kryptonian, and this is the day that Krypton truly dies." He yells at the parademons again. "Kill her!"
AoT: Back to the zoom on Martha as energy weapons are primed off-camera. Okay, that's better.
AM: We go to the new parademons again as they level their weapons, and at that moment we hear a high-pitched whining noise. Then we go to a close-up of the barrel of some sort of machinegun as it comes up and starts firing, and then back to the parademons as they all go down in a blaze of heavy gunfire.
ED+KK: What the hell?
AM: Cut to Lionel looking surprised, and the camera pans around him into a reverse shot so we can see the now dead parademons, Martha, the control panel, the returned Hope, and what is basically a slightly larger version of Lex's battlesuit from his fight at the Slab standing next to her.
MR [pumps fist]: Oh, hell yes! Iron Lex 2.0 saves the day!
AM: Profile shot as the suit lowers one arm, which has a machinegun on it. Lex then speaks via its PA system--
MR: I got this. "I was hoping that the saboteur who took out the ROV wouldn't follow me here, but I thought I should be prepared."
AM: Quick pull in on Lionel as Lex says that.
KK: Okay, that's kind of cool.
TW: Right about now Kalibak picks up Clark and throws him across the room. Clark goes flying into the wall, then down to the ground, and Kalibak charges after him. Lex raises his arm again and starts firing, and while Kalibak takes a couple of hits he doesn't slow down until he grabs Clark and shoves him into the wall.
KK [giggles]: Into the wall...
TW: Shh. Closeup on Clark struggling, trying to push Kalibak away, and then a reverse shot as Kalibak pulls him from the wall, turns ninety degrees, and shoves him into a huge outcropping of ice. He then roars in Clark's face as the music abruptly cuts out. "You will die, Kryptonian. You will die...but not before you see the death of your deluded mother...and finally your followers."
AM: Closeup as Lex aims his gun at Kalibak and Clark, then a quick HUD-eye view to show that Kalibak's too close to Clark for a clear shot.
ED: Come on, it's eye of the tiger time!
TW: Clark is gasping for air, since one of Kalibak's hands is around his throat. But we see his face...change. He gets very, very pissed. "No...no more..."
AM: Another shot of Kalibak, now sneering. "What are you going to do, Kal-El?"
ED: Oh, hell. That's it. The minute someone says that on this show, they're so dead.
KK: Damn, you're right.
TW: Back to the shot of Clark as he slowly reaches up and grabs the wrist of the arm that's choking him and squeezes. We hear a faint crunching noise, and we cut to Kalibak realizing what just happened and his face briefly contorting in pain.
ED+KK: Ow.
TW: Clark then reaches up with his other hand, grabs the wrist of the other arm. Squeeze, crunch. And he still looks angry as hell. "No more."
MR: Oh my God. Clark finally loses his shit.
AM: Kalibak briefly goes to one knee, but then gets back on both feet and somehow manages to push Clark even further into the wall. "N-no...you will not escape--"
TW: Extreme closeup on Clark as he cuts him off, his voice gaining strength. It also slightly cracks. "No more, Kalibak! No more of this! Do you HEAR ME? NO MORE!" And then he unleashes a massive blast of heat vision...directly at Kalibak's head.
KK+MR+JG+AoT+ED [after a few seconds]: Whoa.
AM: Go to a closeup of Kalibak's head as the two beams of heat vision strike his forehead, and hold on the shot. After a couple of seconds the impact points begin to smoke, and Kalibak's growl of anger turns into a scream of agony. Back to Clark as he's still going full blast with the heat vision, his face scrunched into a vicious snarl.
JG [sighs]: Well, if you're going to upstage the God of Bastards, this is one way.
AM: Back to Kalibak, the heat vision now causing two large smoking black marks on his forehead. The scream slowly dies off into a gurgle as his eyes roll up into his head.
ED: Okay, that's just a little gross.

Continued...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XV)

as retold by Bill C

AM: We come back on a frontal shot of Lionel standing tall in front of the boom tube, clothes and hair fluttering in the breeze. At the same time, some suitably overdramatic poundy guitar/orchestra music cranks up.
JG: Yeeeees.
KK: So Lionel has finally attained true magnificent bastard status.
JG: Magnificent is no longer enough. Lionel has sacrificed his right-hand man...his relationship with the woman he loves...
TW: He--
JG: Shut up, bitch, it's a relationship. His henchman, his relationship with the woman he loves, his relationship with his son--
MR: Oh, come on. That relationship started at fucked up.
ED: And went to what, The Empire Strikes Back?
MR: I was thinking 300.
JG: The point is that Lionel has transcended mere magnificence. He is now [pauses for effect] a God of Bastards.
KK [fake choking noises]: Can't...breathe...ego...sucking up...all the air...
JG: Don't make me hurt you, Kreuk.
TW: So Lionel is standing there, and we cut to a reverse shot with Clark staring at him in surprise. "Lionel? What are you doing here?"
KK: Sharp as a 2x4, same as always.
AM: Lex chimes in. "Dad, what the hell are you doing with that--"
JG: Lionel shall now show you all how it's done. He holds up the remote Mr. Ferret gave Lex. "The kindness of strangers, Lex."
TW: Profile shot as Clark walks up onto the ice platform and stands directly in front of Lionel. "What are you doing here? And what are you doing with Apokoliptian technology?"
JG: "I'm here to accomplish your goal, Clark: stopping Darkseid's forces from invading and likely destroying Earth."
ED: Not very bastard there.
AM: Another quarter-front shot of Clark, and the camera pulls in past him to Martha. "I don't understand, Lionel. How can you help Clark?"
AoT: That's it?
AM: Relax, there's more.
MR: Cut to Lex looking sideways at his dad. "I was wondering the same thing."
JG: Lionel looks unfazed, naturally, but there's just a hint of resignation in his voice. "I'm here to stop the invasion, Martha. Not to help Clark."
ED: Okay, that's kind of bastardish.
AM: Zoom on Martha. She's looking worried. "What do you mean, you're not here to help Clark?"
JG: Back to a frontal shot of me.
KK: Lionel.
JG: Whatever. "Exactly that, Martha."
AM: And just as Lionel says that, the boom tube flashes behind him. Cut to the reverse shot of Clark as he leans to one side to look past Lionel, and then we hear a weapon discharge and a bolt of green energy zips in from off-camera and knocks Clark off the platform.
MR: Reinforcements?
TW: Pretty much. We go to a three-quarter-profile shot of Lionel and the boom tube--and now there's a parademon standing behind him and to one side. It leaps out of the shot as a group of them rush through the boom tube.
ED: Bastard levels rising...
AM: We cut briefly to Hope slowly straightening up behind her video camera, and then we go to a camera-eye view of the first parademon leaping right at it and knocking it over. Hold on that sideways shot as the parademons still in the frame form a line, leveling weapons at Lex and Martha, while the one who knocked over the camera reappears pushing Hope in front of him.
MR: Don't tell me you're fragging Hope in this scene, Tom.
AM: What makes you think that?
MR: She's the only one who's expendable. Unless you're about to kill Martha.
AoT [sharply]: Watch your tongue, Michael. [snorts] Expendable, hell!
MR: Okay, okay, my bad.
JG: And at this point Lionel starts talking. [to TW] This had better be the best speech in human history, Welling. "There are times when a strong man must do things that lesser men would find...unpleasant."
MR: Like writing for this show.
TW: Cut to the parademons herding Martha, Lex and Hope over by Clark as he staggers to his feet by the crystal control panel while Lionel says all that.
ED [bad Southern accent]: Get 'long, little humans! Yah!
JG: Quiet, Durance. Back to Lionel after the human herding. "They must accept the responsibility of others...the scorn of others...because they make that choice."
MR: Such as, oh...writing for this show.
AM [to TW]: I think he's on to something.
TW [to AM]: Shhh.
MR: Quick shot of Lex pointing off-camera at Dad. "Are you crazy? Clark was about to--"
JG: Lionel snaps at him. "Sacrifice himself by self-exile to outer space? Or now, to the Phantom Zone? That wouldn't have worked, Lex."
MR: "You don't know that, Dad."
JG: "I do know, son. That's why I couldn't let the shuttle launch proceed."
ED: Ouch. More bastard.
MR: Zoom on Lex as that sinks in. "You...you're the one who..." Pissed face. "What have you done, Dad?"
AoT: Martha gets a line. She's quiet, but angry. "It's obvious, Lex. Lionel...he's made a deal with Darkseid."
JG: "We turn over Clark, and Apokolips will stop its advance towards Earth."
AoT: Martha spits out her next words. "I can't believe you agreed to do this, Lionel."
JG: "A strong man had to do this, Martha. I'm more sorry than you'll know--"
KK: Is there any chance of getting the word "bullshit" to flash on the screen any time Lionel talks in this scene?
AM: Don't worry. You know someone on YouTube will splice in the flashing "bullshit" sign from Airplane! after this episode airs.
KK: That works.
JG: Can I go on? [pauses] Thank you. "I'm more sorry than you'll know, but it had to be done--Lex wouldn't do it, you wouldn't do it. You're not strong enough to make that kind of sacrifice."
AoT: Martha should slap the taste out of Lionel's mouth for that. "My own son? Of course not!"
TW: Clark gets a line in edgewise. "So a strong man was needed, right?"
JG: Lionel nods. "They understand what must be done...and...they do it! Regardless of the sacrifice!"
MR: Like--
ED: Writing for this show?
MR: Now you're getting it!
AM: Hope actually gets some dialogue. "What...what's going to happen next?"
JG: Lionel turns towards her. "Clark will be handed over to a representative of Steppenwolf's."
TW: Lionel then turns towards the boom tube, moving to one side, and the camera zooms in on it as it flashes blue again. And this huge humanoid figure walks out of it, a guy who basically looks like a giant slab of beef with dark hair and a beard squeezed into a green sleeveless version of Steppenwolf's uniform.
AoT: Wonderful. Another WWE royalty check!
TW: Well, I wanted to get Michael Clarke Duncan, but instead we ended up with...
AM [consults script]: Mike Knox.
AoT: Great--I needed some new clothes anyway.
ED: So who's the slab of beef?
TW: Pull back as Mr. Slab walks slowly and deliberately up to stand next to Lionel, glaring about angrily. Cut to Clark staring back at him, looking a little pissed, then back to Lionel and Slab.
JG: Lionel clears up the identity thing. "Kalibak. As promised...here is Kal-El."
ED [to herself]: Increasingly bastard...
TW: Kalibak continues to glare silently at Clark, but he walks up to stand nose to nose with him. Closeup on them as they face off--and then we jump cut to a reverse shot of Clark as Kalibak suddenly hauls off and punches him in the face.
KK: Okay, hold it--Clark didn't even whine at the guy first. Can he sense whining before it happens?

TW: There's no whining in this scene, Kristin.
KK: You're kidding. Clark is just going to suck it up? That's so...so un-Smallville!
AM: Though there is asskicking, since the next shot is a tracking shot of Clark being knocked off his feet, back past Lex and company, and right into the wall of the FoS.
[KK leans over and whacks TW in the back of the head]
KK: Snap out of it! Clark has to whine!
TW: No, dammit! Shut up, woman!
ED: She's got a point--
TW: You too, shut up!
MR: Cut to Lex whirling to look at Clark, then back at Lionel and Kalibak. "Dad, you honestly don't think--"
AM: Kalibak actually growls at him. "Be. Quiet."
KK: He's not known for his witty repartee to begin with, though.
AM: Kalibak then turns to Lionel. "My father...appreciates your assistance."

Continued...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XIV)

as retold by Bill C

AM: Okay, so Lois and Bittleman are having this brief little staredown over Kal-El.
KK: This should be Lex and Lana.
MR: Been there, done that. And Lana's dead.
JG: So if nothing else Lex won the battle for Clark.
AoT: Because Lana is dead?
JG: Yeah. Chloe flipped out, Lana's dead, and Lois is a nonentity.
ED: Hey! Lois was busy with Oliver and Bittleman!
AM: Until her crush on Kal-El fucked it up.
ED: You--
AM: But that's not important right now.
KK: We fought the Clex and the Clex won.
MR: Bow down before the HoYay you serve!
TW: You're going to get what you deserve.
MR: I thought you already decided we deserved Armageddon?
TW: Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about now.
MR: What are you going to do now, blow up the planet?
TW: Dawn suggested that, but no. You'll see.
KK: Oh, Christ, you're scaring me again.
AM: Can I go on, please? So we're doing quick back-and-forth cuts to Lois and Bittleman staring at each other, and we hear Lois's phone ring twice.
TW: On the cut to Bittleman, he briefly looks down off-camera. "Aren't you going to get that?"
ED: Okay, and cut to Lois pulling out her phone and checking the number. "Not now, Clark!"
KK: Usual perfect timing.
AM: Closeup on the phone as Lois shuts it off.
TW: And then we jump cut to a closeup of Clark as he's taking his phone away from his ear. He stares at it for a second as some quietly dramatic music kicks in and mutters, "Voicemail..."
AM: Quick cut to a wide shot to show that Clark is standing in the doorway of an aircraft hangar, apparently at a small airfield.
ED: What, he's decided to flee to Canada?
AM [laughs]: Funny, but no.
TW: Back to the closeup as Clark dials another number.
AM: And cut to the Fortress of Sullivan--
JG: Chloe-cave.
AM: Screw you. Slow pan across the place, showing that most of the Chlones are gone but a couple are unconscious and sprawled here and there amongst the destroyed equipment and furniture, as we hear Chloe's cellphone ringing. And finally the camera pans over to Chloe herself, who is sitting in the ruins of her old desk. She's thoroughly messed up and looks pretty much like a zombie, just staring off into the distance while the phone continues ringing.
KK: This whole "everything touched by Clark turns to shit" policy...wow.
AoT: Martha has so far escaped unscathed, though.
JG: Jonathan's been dead for two years.
AoT [sighs]: Dammit, John, you couldn't let me have this delusion for just one minute?
JG: I'm sorry, Annette.
ED: So, is Zombie Chloe going to eat a Chlone's brain?
TW: No.
AM: Though we'd probably get a nice ratings bump out of it.
TW [thinks]: ...nah. Back to Clark as we hear Chloe's phone ringing through his phone, and he sighs and hangs up.
MR: All of Clark's women have abandoned him. And all that's left...is Lex.
KK: Okay, we all fought the Clex and the Clex won.
AM: And we cut to a panning shot of a limousine moving down a busy street. Cut from that to the interior of the limousine, where Lex and Martha and Hope are sitting.
ED: Going to an end-of-the-world party?
AM [ignores ED]: Nobody says anything for a few seconds as we cut from Martha to Lex, and then the phone in the limo rings. Cut to Hope answering it. "Yes?" She then holds the handset out towards Lex. "It's your father, Lex."
JG: That's Lionel, bitch.
ED: Mr. Luthor if you're nasty.
MR: All right...Lex takes the handset. "Yes?"
AM: And cut to Lionel's office--
JG: I've got this. Lionel on his phone. "Lex? Why did you authorize a priority takeoff for the jet?"
MR: "Dad, it couldn't wait."
KK: Clark needs his Lexy!
JG: "What couldn't?"
MR: "I'm..." Lex considers his words for a moment. "I'm in the middle of something that may help prevent the invasion of Earth."
JG: "I imagine this has something to do with the failed Saturn probe launch, then."
MR: Lex pauses for a moment. "You...of course you'd know about that."
JG: Once again Lionel lies his ass off. "I was wondering why you felt it necessary to directly supervise an automated launch, son."
MR: "We were trying to get something into orbit that would have stopped Darkseid's forces from attacking."
JG: Lionel looks briefly remorseful. "Yes...but then someone sabotaged the launch."
MR: Okay, come on, shouldn't Lex be suspicious of Lionel right about now?
AoT: Lionel costing his own company hundreds of millions of dollars just to screw him over? What sane person would believe that?
ED: But is Lex sane?
KK: Hell no. He screwed a Lanabot.
AM: And cloned Chloe to make a private army.
TW: He's sane for the purposes of this episode, people.
MR: He can't be that sane. He's been sucked into the crazy logic.
TW: He's pretty sane right now.
MR: Uh huh. Lex: "Dad, I...I've managed to locate Kal-El."
AM: Quick cut to Martha as she looks at Lex.
JG: Back to Lionel as he leans back in his chair, nodding in that all-according-to-plan way. "I see."
MR: "I'm on my way to meet with him now, and I'm going to convince him to reveal himself publicly. This should satisfy our new alien overlords."
ED: Shouldn't we be welcoming them?
AoT [after a few seconds]: Shut up and drink your juice, Erica.
ED: What'd I s--
AoT: Just shut up.
JG: "Lex, are you sure you can get Kal-El to give himself up?"
MR: A long-suffering sigh from Lex. "Yes, Dad, I'm sure. No doubt you'll hear all about it while I'm on the way back."
JG: "Yes, I suppose I will. Good luck, son."
MR: Lex hangs up the phone, then turns to Hope. "The video equipment is prepared?"
AM: Hope nods. "It's already on the jet. When we get to the...what was it called again?"
AoT: Martha speaks in a quiet voice. "Clark calls it the Fortress."
AM: "Thank you, Mrs. Kent. We'll be all set once we get to the Fortress, Lex."
MR: Lex nods. "Good."
TW: Cut to Clark at the hangar as we hear an approaching vehicle, then as he turns around the camera zooms out to show the limousine pulling up outside the hangar. Lex and company get out after it stops.
MR: Lex walks up to Clark and hands him a small gadget. "This is a GPS tracker. We'll home in on you once you reach your...fortress."
ED: Wait a minute. Why can't they just beam there with the thing in the cave?
TW: We're getting to that. So Clark nods. "It's safer this way."
AM: Hope pipes up. "You said that there was a means of instantaneous transport to this place?"
TW: "That's right. It's in the Kawatche Caves, outside of Small--" Sad voice. "Smallville."
MR: "While the nuke that Steppenwolf dropped on it was fairly clean, there's still enough radiation in the area that it's not safe for anybody yet." Lex takes a moment to stare at Clark. "Except for you, I suppose."
ED: That's some ugly exposition.
KK: And if you didn't mention the caves, it's not like anybody else would remember it. Come on, Tom.
ED: Yeah, nobody watches this show for continuity.
JG: You mean logic. We've trained them better than that.
TW: We're not changing it, okay?
KK: Fine, fine.

TW: Reverse shot of Lex looking at Clark, then the camera pans over as Clark moves a couple of steps to look at Martha. "I'll see you in a few hours, Mom." Then we go to an overhead shot as Clark takes off into the sky and flies past the camera, and everybody else is looking up after him in surprise.
AM: And we fade from that to the usual stock shot of the FoS, and then cut to an interior shot of Lex and Martha and Hope walking into it clad in heavy winter gear. Hope is carrying a large backpack and a carrying case. Lex and Hope are slowly walking and looking around in astonishment, while Martha simply walks out of the shot.
AoT: Been there, done that.
AM: Hope gets an obligatory "Wow..." here.
MR: And Lex cuts her off. "Hope? The camera."
AM: "Uh...yes, sir." Hope sets down her case and opens it, pulling out a large video camera and a tripod.
TW: Cut to a very slow zoom on Clark standing at the crystal control panel with Martha by his side. Clark looks--
KK: Like he's two seconds away from bawling his eyes out?
AM: Yes, but in a determined way.
AoT: Martha puts a hand on Clark's shoulder. "Honey, are you absolutely sure about this?"
TW: Clark looks at her. "It's the only way left that doesn't involve anyone else being hurt, Mom. There's no other choice."
ED: Technically right, but still dumb as hell.
MR: Lex walks into the shot. "I'm still not sure I believe that, Clark...or should I say, Kal-El..."
AoT: Martha gives Lex a firm look. "Clark."
MR: Lex pauses. "But I'm willing to give this a chance."
ED: And love blossoms anew!
TW: Clark nods as the zoom ends on a three-shot. "What I said before still goes, Lex. If this works, you can say whatever you like about Kal-El. Say you captured him and managed to imprison him using his own technology against him, it doesn't matter."
MR: Lex laughs. It's a short, grim laugh. "I always knew you had a little martyr in you, Clark. But I had no idea it was actually justified."
KK: Oh, damn, Tom. That's messed up.
TW: It seemed to fit. Clark smiles ruefully after that. "Is she ready?"
AM: Cut to Hope with the now-assembled tripod and camera mounted on it. She looks off-camera-right and gives a thumbs-up. "We're all set, Lex."
TW: Back to Clark as he nods, and the camera pans down to show his hand as it moves towards a particular crystal sticking further out of the control panel than the others. The hand hesitates over it, then slowly pushes it into the cluster; the crystal glows a deep red.
AM: Wide three-quarter shot of the FoS as the light filling the entire chamber seems to dim, then a low bass hum starts up. A few feet in front of the control panel, over an elevated ice platform, a small silvery flash of light begins pulsing slowly and then faster, the pulses lighting up the place.
TW: Quick cuts to reaction shots of Lex and Hope--Lex looks surprised but serious, while Hope looks completely stunned. Then a reaction shot of Martha, who is holding on tightly to Clark's hand, and pan over to Clark looking relatively stoic or faking it well.
AM: Then back to the silvery light, which is beginning to rotate and form a flat plane while pulsing. Then there's a blinding burst of white light, and when it fades the silvery light has been replaced by the familiar slowly-rotating glass pane with silver streaks running through it.
TW: Another quick cut to Clark and Martha as the light from the pane washes over them.
ED: Krypton dance party!
MR: Cut back to Lex as he calls out in Hope's direction. "Now!"
AM: Back to Hope as she bends down behind the camera, and a red light appears on top of it.
AoT: Close shot of Martha as she grabs Clark and hugs him as hard as she can. Her voice is muffled by the flannel. "I love you, Clark."
TW: Closeup on Clark's face. "I love you, Mom." Back to the previous shot as he pulls away from Martha, then sets a look of grim determination on his face and walks away from her and out of the shot.
KK: And at long last, Clark Kent becomes a man.
JG: A damn crazy man, but a man.
TW: Tracking shot as Clark walks back into the shot, now at ground level, and pan around him into an over-the-shoulder shot of him as he moves closer to the portal. When the pan stops he looks off-camera-right. "Lex?"
MR: Cut to Lex looking back at him.
TW: Back to Clark. "For what it's worth...if I hurt you, I'm sorry."
ED [laughs]: One last bit of HoYay for the road!
AM: To keep Clark warm on those lonely nights in the Phantom Zone.
MR: Back to Lex as he silently nods.
TW: And back to Clark as he turns back towards the portal--and then a bluish light appears in its center, then slowly spreads out in a similar fashion to cracks in a glass window.
AM: At the same time, the sad dramatic "heroic sacrifice" music cuts out. After a couple of seconds, it's replaced by urgent "Oh, shit!" music.
TW: Reaction shot of Clark looking at the portal, and then back to it as it vanishes in a bright burst of blue light.
AM: Yep, another reaction shot--this time of Clark and Lex and Martha all turning away to shield their eyes and then turning back.
TW: And when the light fades, the PZ "pane" is gone. In its place is a large circular blue portal with faint lightning crackling around its edges--a boom tube.
ED: Okay, hold it. How did Darkseid find out about this?
TW: He didn't. There's a familiar flash in the center of the portal, and we cut to a reverse ground-level shot from behind the portal as a pair of expensively-shoed feet land on the ground in front of it.
ED: Zod returns? That Steppenwolf guy? [hopeful] Clive Owen?!?
JG: Expensively... [huge grin] Oh...
TW: The feet walk towards Clark and then stop at the edge of the ice platform.
AM: Even more reaction shots of, in order...
AoT: Martha's mouth dropping open in shock.
MR: Lex narrowing his eyes in surprise.
AM: Hope straightens up from behind the camera, muttering quietly "What in the hell...?"
TW: And finally that ground-level shot of Clark again as he just looks at the person. The camera pans up and around into a frontal shot of the newcomer--Lionel.
JG [shouts]: YES!
KK: You could see this coming, though.
TW: Lionel looks calm and collected, as usual. And he simply says--
JG: "I'm sorry, Clark. I'm afraid I had to...intervene."
TW: The music hits a crescendo, and we go to a hell of a commercial break.

Continued...

7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XIII)

as retold by Bill C

AM: We come back on a shot of Evelyn from KTMP and a well-dressed older man sitting on what looks like the set of an office. The man is talking in a British accent.
TW: The British guy is going on about the attacks on Fairbanks and London. "The events of the past few days have forced the militaries of countries around the world to maintain a high alert status--and the attacks themselves have led to massive loss of life and property damage. This is intolerable."
JG: Who's the British guy?
TW: Just some rich guy.
AM: Closeup on Evelyn. "So this is why you have offered a reward for the delivery of the person identified as Kal-El?
KK: That's different.
TW: Closeup on British Guy. "That's right, Evelyn. In an attempt to avoid any further destruction and loss of life, I am offering a reward of ten million pounds for the delivery of the alien Kal-El to myself or the British government. He must be brought to task for his crimes against the foreign nation known as Apokolips."
AM: Evelyn nods. "There are some who say that this Kal-El may be some sort of scapegoat in an alien conspiracy. Or that he may not even exist."
MR: Another example of the wide-reaching effects of crazy logic, right?
ED: Looks like it.
TW: British Guy looks a little annoyed. "The people of Earth have done nothing to the people of Apokolips. They must have a reason for attacking us, and that reason must be this Kal-El."
AM: "Here in Metropolis, during the recent attacks that were attributed to an unknown group, there were reports of a mysterious person who possessed abilities...far beyond those of normal men--"
AoT [shakes head]: Oh, dammit, Tom.
TW: What?
AoT: Will you stop that?
TW: Stop what?
AoT: "Abilities far beyond those of normal men?" For someone who keeps saying this isn't Superman, you love ripping off lines from the "real thing"! What next, someone says Clark's more powerful than a locomotive?
ED: Annette, nobody says "locomotive" any more.
AoT [sighs]: I know, Erica.
ED: And "more powerful than a train" sounds...kind of stupid.
KK: That's beside the point. Shh.
TW: I'm trying to hint at Clark's ultimate destiny, dammit.
MR: As Lana's purse even after her death?
KK: His ultimate destiny, though, involves the Suit. And I distinctly remember you saying on at least one occasion that you'd never go there.
TW: Fine, fine. No more line ripoffs, okay?
AoT [thoughtful]: Although...if you would just wear the Suit...
TW: No.
AoT: Just once...
JG: Long enough for just one photo--
TW: Hell no.
AoT: I've said it before, I'm saying it again: you're no fun.
AM: Moving on. Abilities, blah blah blah, "who saved people from being killed or injured. In addition, we have received reports from London of a similarly described person who also helped to save lives during yesterday's attack."
MR: And we didn't get to see that...friggin' Offscreenville.
TW: British Guy doesn't like that. "If it was not for this person, according to every report I have seen, thousands of people who were killed in the Fairbanks and London attacks would be alive now. If Kal-El really wanted to save human lives, why hasn't he come forward and surrendered? Why--"
AM: We hear Bittleman's voice from offscreen over the end of that. "Too late to bitch about that now, Sparky." There's a click, and the screen abruptly goes blank.
MR: British Guy has a point. Crazy logic has turned Clark into a bitch.
AoT: What's Ted doing now that Lois has dumped him?
AM: We cut to a shot of him lowering a remote control and then to him turning and typing on the computer at his desk in the Planet bullpen. He looks focused, but unhappy.
JG: Why is he unhappy? He finally got the monkey off his back.
ED: Hey! Lois was good to her man!
JG: In the same way that a leech is good to a human being.
AoT: I was thinking vampire, but that works.
TW: The camera pans around Bittleman a little bit so we can see the bullpen doorway in the back of the shot, and after a couple of seconds Lois slowly walks through it. She looks a little unhappy herself.
ED: Reading my stuff! "Ted?"
AM: Cut to a frontal shot as Bittleman looks up. "Hey, Blondie."
ED: Lois slowly walks up to his desk. She sounds hesitant. "Hey. Did you...did you find out anything about--"
AM: "The general? You'd know if you hadn't turned your phone off." Bittleman goes back to typing. "He's fine, Lois. He and most of his forces survived the Fairbanks attack."
ED: Lois immediately looks relieved, but still sounds hesitant. "Thank you, Ted."
AM: "Where the hell were you, anyway? Her Highness was wondering if you'd skipped out on us."
ED: "Me? Just...having a chat with the President."
AM: Bittleman looks up at Lois. He looks skeptical. "The President."
KK: The President of the local rotary club, maybe.
ED: Lois nods. "Yeah. You'd like him--he hates Kal-El too."
AM: "I don't hate Kal-El, Lois."
MR: Oh, shit, the bus is rolling over the last of their relationship now.
ED: "You don't like him, though--"
AM: Bittleman cuts her off. "And you don't know him. This guy has been hiding on Earth for God knows how long, and it turns out that he's a criminal?"
ED: "Don't, Ted. Just--don't. He's not a bad person."
KK: He's a wuss...
MR: And maybe a little cowardly most of the time.
AoT: And occasionally too self-righteous for his own good.
KK: ...but a bad person? Heavens, no!
AM: "Lois..." Wide shot as Bittleman leans back in his chair and stares at Lois. "You've never really met Kal-El. You've never sat down with him over drinks or dinner or a bad movie night. You've never asked him what his favorite food is, or if he eats, or why he's here."
JG: Damn. Ted Bittleman brings some hard truth to the show.
KK: This can't possibly last longer than five seconds.
AM: The camera pulls back and then zooms in as Bittleman gets up and walks around his desk to stand in front of Lois. "Baby, as much as part of me wants to believe you--that this guy's just some stand-up dude from outer space who wants to do some good--we've got the freakin' Empire bearing down on us because of him, and I just can't do it."
MR: This may be the most awesomeness Ted's ever displayed. Even if it's fueled by crazy logic.
KK: "Baby"?
TW: It seemed to fit.
ED: Lois does the look down-think-look up thing and stares at Bittleman. Her voice gains some conviction. "Ted, I--I've seen what Kal-El can do. I've seen the people he's saved, the things he's done. I was there when he stopped the invasion, for God's sake--and that invasion was also from Apokolips! If he was a criminal, why would he protect us?"
AoT: If this is protection, God help us all.
AM: Closeup on Bittleman, speaking quietly. "'The enemy of my enemy is my friend,' Lois. Remember that saying?"
ED: Zoom on Lois as she sets her jaw. "Of course I do--and, dammit, I refuse to believe that. He wouldn't deliberately put anyone in danger. I know he's a good person. I know!"
JG: The appropriate visual analogy for this relationship at this point would be a nuclear explosion, but we've already milked that.
KK: How about the Hindenburg fire?
ED: With Clark's face overlaid on it!
MR: Oh, the humanity!
KK: Nice choice of words.

Continued...