7.21 Apocalypse by TW and AM (Part XIII)

as retold by Bill C

AM: We come back on a shot of Evelyn from KTMP and a well-dressed older man sitting on what looks like the set of an office. The man is talking in a British accent.
TW: The British guy is going on about the attacks on Fairbanks and London. "The events of the past few days have forced the militaries of countries around the world to maintain a high alert status--and the attacks themselves have led to massive loss of life and property damage. This is intolerable."
JG: Who's the British guy?
TW: Just some rich guy.
AM: Closeup on Evelyn. "So this is why you have offered a reward for the delivery of the person identified as Kal-El?
KK: That's different.
TW: Closeup on British Guy. "That's right, Evelyn. In an attempt to avoid any further destruction and loss of life, I am offering a reward of ten million pounds for the delivery of the alien Kal-El to myself or the British government. He must be brought to task for his crimes against the foreign nation known as Apokolips."
AM: Evelyn nods. "There are some who say that this Kal-El may be some sort of scapegoat in an alien conspiracy. Or that he may not even exist."
MR: Another example of the wide-reaching effects of crazy logic, right?
ED: Looks like it.
TW: British Guy looks a little annoyed. "The people of Earth have done nothing to the people of Apokolips. They must have a reason for attacking us, and that reason must be this Kal-El."
AM: "Here in Metropolis, during the recent attacks that were attributed to an unknown group, there were reports of a mysterious person who possessed abilities...far beyond those of normal men--"
AoT [shakes head]: Oh, dammit, Tom.
TW: What?
AoT: Will you stop that?
TW: Stop what?
AoT: "Abilities far beyond those of normal men?" For someone who keeps saying this isn't Superman, you love ripping off lines from the "real thing"! What next, someone says Clark's more powerful than a locomotive?
ED: Annette, nobody says "locomotive" any more.
AoT [sighs]: I know, Erica.
ED: And "more powerful than a train" sounds...kind of stupid.
KK: That's beside the point. Shh.
TW: I'm trying to hint at Clark's ultimate destiny, dammit.
MR: As Lana's purse even after her death?
KK: His ultimate destiny, though, involves the Suit. And I distinctly remember you saying on at least one occasion that you'd never go there.
TW: Fine, fine. No more line ripoffs, okay?
AoT [thoughtful]: Although...if you would just wear the Suit...
TW: No.
AoT: Just once...
JG: Long enough for just one photo--
TW: Hell no.
AoT: I've said it before, I'm saying it again: you're no fun.
AM: Moving on. Abilities, blah blah blah, "who saved people from being killed or injured. In addition, we have received reports from London of a similarly described person who also helped to save lives during yesterday's attack."
MR: And we didn't get to see that...friggin' Offscreenville.
TW: British Guy doesn't like that. "If it was not for this person, according to every report I have seen, thousands of people who were killed in the Fairbanks and London attacks would be alive now. If Kal-El really wanted to save human lives, why hasn't he come forward and surrendered? Why--"
AM: We hear Bittleman's voice from offscreen over the end of that. "Too late to bitch about that now, Sparky." There's a click, and the screen abruptly goes blank.
MR: British Guy has a point. Crazy logic has turned Clark into a bitch.
AoT: What's Ted doing now that Lois has dumped him?
AM: We cut to a shot of him lowering a remote control and then to him turning and typing on the computer at his desk in the Planet bullpen. He looks focused, but unhappy.
JG: Why is he unhappy? He finally got the monkey off his back.
ED: Hey! Lois was good to her man!
JG: In the same way that a leech is good to a human being.
AoT: I was thinking vampire, but that works.
TW: The camera pans around Bittleman a little bit so we can see the bullpen doorway in the back of the shot, and after a couple of seconds Lois slowly walks through it. She looks a little unhappy herself.
ED: Reading my stuff! "Ted?"
AM: Cut to a frontal shot as Bittleman looks up. "Hey, Blondie."
ED: Lois slowly walks up to his desk. She sounds hesitant. "Hey. Did you...did you find out anything about--"
AM: "The general? You'd know if you hadn't turned your phone off." Bittleman goes back to typing. "He's fine, Lois. He and most of his forces survived the Fairbanks attack."
ED: Lois immediately looks relieved, but still sounds hesitant. "Thank you, Ted."
AM: "Where the hell were you, anyway? Her Highness was wondering if you'd skipped out on us."
ED: "Me? Just...having a chat with the President."
AM: Bittleman looks up at Lois. He looks skeptical. "The President."
KK: The President of the local rotary club, maybe.
ED: Lois nods. "Yeah. You'd like him--he hates Kal-El too."
AM: "I don't hate Kal-El, Lois."
MR: Oh, shit, the bus is rolling over the last of their relationship now.
ED: "You don't like him, though--"
AM: Bittleman cuts her off. "And you don't know him. This guy has been hiding on Earth for God knows how long, and it turns out that he's a criminal?"
ED: "Don't, Ted. Just--don't. He's not a bad person."
KK: He's a wuss...
MR: And maybe a little cowardly most of the time.
AoT: And occasionally too self-righteous for his own good.
KK: ...but a bad person? Heavens, no!
AM: "Lois..." Wide shot as Bittleman leans back in his chair and stares at Lois. "You've never really met Kal-El. You've never sat down with him over drinks or dinner or a bad movie night. You've never asked him what his favorite food is, or if he eats, or why he's here."
JG: Damn. Ted Bittleman brings some hard truth to the show.
KK: This can't possibly last longer than five seconds.
AM: The camera pulls back and then zooms in as Bittleman gets up and walks around his desk to stand in front of Lois. "Baby, as much as part of me wants to believe you--that this guy's just some stand-up dude from outer space who wants to do some good--we've got the freakin' Empire bearing down on us because of him, and I just can't do it."
MR: This may be the most awesomeness Ted's ever displayed. Even if it's fueled by crazy logic.
KK: "Baby"?
TW: It seemed to fit.
ED: Lois does the look down-think-look up thing and stares at Bittleman. Her voice gains some conviction. "Ted, I--I've seen what Kal-El can do. I've seen the people he's saved, the things he's done. I was there when he stopped the invasion, for God's sake--and that invasion was also from Apokolips! If he was a criminal, why would he protect us?"
AoT: If this is protection, God help us all.
AM: Closeup on Bittleman, speaking quietly. "'The enemy of my enemy is my friend,' Lois. Remember that saying?"
ED: Zoom on Lois as she sets her jaw. "Of course I do--and, dammit, I refuse to believe that. He wouldn't deliberately put anyone in danger. I know he's a good person. I know!"
JG: The appropriate visual analogy for this relationship at this point would be a nuclear explosion, but we've already milked that.
KK: How about the Hindenburg fire?
ED: With Clark's face overlaid on it!
MR: Oh, the humanity!
KK: Nice choice of words.

Continued...