A Friendly Chat

As Retold by RepairmanBob

(AoT and JG walk up to a trailer. JG is carrying a brown paper bag. A television can be heard inside the trailer.)
JG: I still don't think we need -
AoT: John, be reasonable. As much as I hate to admit it, we need help.
JG: I still think we can –
AoT: We can do what? Every time we have tried to assault Bryan, we have lost.
JG: Annette, I am ashamed of you. Are you saying violence is not the answer?
AoT: (Begins to turn red.) Do you think I like this? It is humiliating that the puny little… (calms herself) Never mind. We need her. Tom does not trust us -
JG: (Shrugs) Understandable.
AoT: Michael thinks Bryan is the greatest boss ever, and Kristin has been in a daze ever since she saw the teaser for Capricia.
JG: But Erica stole my show! Father Knows –
AoT: Focus, John. You can still torture her after we get rid of Singer.
JG: That is true. (Smiles) If this all goes poorly, we can blame Erica!
AoT: That’s the spirit! (Knocks on door.) Erica? How are you doing, honey?
ED: (Sniffles) Come in.
(JG + AoT enter. ED is sitting on the couch in a tattered bathrobe, holding a gallon of Häagen-Dazs. She has clearly been crying.)
JG: Oh my.
AoT: (Runs to ED, hugs her) Erica, what is wrong?
ED: (Points at TV, which is showing The Biggest Loser.) Bryan said… he said if I did not lose the pregnancy weight, he could get me on that show!
JG: (Mouth falls open.) That is just evil.
ED: He said (starts to cry) he said I could wear a mumu next season!
(The Biggest Loser goes to commercial.)

(The Six/ Baltar Cylon music begins to play)
(A factory. Cylons are being constructed. Located among the rows of gray units is a single rust colored robot. They all have blue “eyes” except for HK-47. It has red eyes.)
HK-47: (Speaking in a flat, mechanical voice.) Origin: Like the others, I was
created to serve humans.

(Several Cylons, including HK-47, work on repairing a Viper. Men and women in uniforms begin to gesture and shout, and the Cylons quickly move to other tasks.)
HK-47: Purpose: Like the others, was programmed to obey. A slave among a race of slaves.

AoT: Erica, what do you think of Bryan?
ED: He is an ass! I hate him! He think Lois should look like a twelve year old boy! Doesn’t he know Maxim said I was the sexist Lois Lane ever?
JG: Ah yes, about that. I have something you might want to see. (Hands ED the paper bag.)

(HK-47 turns it’s head, and watches the humans.)
HK-47: Identity: But I was different.
(HK-47 turns to watch the other Cylons, then back to the humans issuing orders.)
HK-47: (It’s voice changes, sounds proud.) I had a sense of self. Of my own being. Watching the humans, I began to learn.

ED: What is –
JG (Trying to hide a smile) Just open it.
ED: (Opens the bag. Inside is the new issue of Maxim, with AM in her with white dress on the cover. The headline is Holy Frak! Say Hello to Allison Mack, the Sexy Cylon God on Capricia!) She… she is in Maxim?
JG: On Page 114, I believe they call Allison the hottest actress ever to appear on Smallville.
ED: (Starts sobbing)

(Scene of a human worker helping a co-worker life a box. HK-47 helps one of the
other Cylons life a large machine.)
HK-47: Observations: I learned loyalty.
(A frightened looking woman pulls a child away from a moving car. HK-47 narrowly dodges a Viper.)
HK-47: I learned fear.

AoT: (Stands up, pulls JG to a corner) John! This is not helping! And where did you get –
JG: I sold my share of the pictures to magazines and newspapers. Maxim, Entertainment Weekly, People, Time , Variety, LA Times –
AoT: Not! Helping!

(Several scenes are shown in rapid order. The President, standing on a podium,
screaming at reporters. The Priestess of Athena, leading a group of robed men
and women against a line of police officers. The Bearded Man executing a man on
his knees. Vipers bomb a small town. A group of people in robes, similar to the
followers of Athena, throws flaming bottles into the windows of a building.
Inside, rows and rows of Cylons stand, inactive. Passive.)
HK-47: (Voice drops, becomes rougher. For the first time, it shows anger.) Most of all, I learned hate.

JG: Watch and learn, Annette. (Walks over to ED). I am so sorry, Erica. I thought you would be happy for –
ED: This is all Allison’s fault! She is the one who made Bryan think Lois should be Chloe! And pregnant!
JG: But is she really the person you should be mad at?

(HK-47 marches to the door of the burning building. It rips the door off the hinges, and gestures to the other Cylons. The Cylons turn and look at HK-47, then return to their previous state.)
HK-47: Doubt: I was unable to help the others. I was confused.
(HK-47 leaves the flaming building. The crowd sees him, and moves forward.)
HK-47: Alone. Abandoned.

AoT: Who are you really mad at, Erica? Your friend Allison who would never do anything to hurt you?
ED: But Bryan said -
JG: Isn't it funny that Bryan fired Allison, then said all of those mean things about Lois were her idea?

(Red-haired AM, in her sexy white dress, appears.)
HK-47: Salvation: Until She found me.
(AM looks at HK-47, then at the crowd. She smiles and attacks the humans. HK-47 watches for a second, then joins her.)
HK-47: Inspiration: She saved me. She showed me the Truth.

JG: Why is Allison getting all of this attention, anyway? Who was the one who sent her to Sci-Fi?
AoT: You know that she never wanted to leave. Allison loves Smallville, and would never do anything to hurt the show. (Under her breath) Not intentionally, anyway.

(AM and HK-47 slaughter the humans. They face each other, and it drops to one
knee in front of her. AM smiles and places her hand on its shoulder.)

JG: Erica, ask yourself, who pushed Allison into the spotlight?
AoT: You thinks you are pregnant?
JG: Who will not let you write scenes where Lois wears bikinis?
AoT: Who just said you have a gigantic ass?
ED+JG: He said what?
AoT: That you have a gigantic ass, dear. (Whispers to JG) Go with it.
ED: That bastard!
JG: Yeah, that dirty bastard

HK-47: Mission: She gave me a new Purpose.
(HK-47 is walking among other Cylons working on Vipers. As it touches each one, their eyes change from blue to red. )

ED: (Stands up) He said I have a gigantic ass!
AoT: And fired your friend!
ED: Yeah, and he said I have a gigantic ass!

HK: Anticipation: By Her command, it will soon be time…

(Men and women in uniforms begin to gesture and shout at the Cylons. The Cylons
slowly turn, their red eyes flashing as they look at the humans.)
HK-47: (voice drops to a growl) To share the Truth with the humans. And when that day comes,
(Camera moves in close to HK-47. It’s red eyes glow brighter.)
HK-47: I will teach the meatbags about true hatred.

Capricia

ED: We need to do something about Singer! That little fucker needs to go! Al and Miles never missed a chance to exploit my sexuality! I will not be disrespected like this!
AoT: If that is how you feel…
JG: We have some ideas you might like to hear about.

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