Seven friends and a Karaoke bar (Part IV)

ED: [sighs] OK. Then tell me about Lex and Chloe.
AoT: The first thing that happens is Chloe clues into Clark's attraction to Lori.
MR: That set everything into motion.
AoT: I was supposed to sing "So much for my happy ending" but as usual Al and Miles screwed everything up and they used the original version.
AM: I hate that song.
ED: Wait. That was you all? Everyone blames Al & Miles for that.
AoT: We had to nudge Chloe towards Lex somehow.
MR: Hey!
KK: At least it wasn't a faked pregnancy.
MR: True.
AoT: So the spiked cool aid episode followed the little dunking both incident.
TW: Chloe dressed like a cheerleader...
AM: I hated that!
KK: What? You were so cute!
AM: Chloe is sophisticated. She's not "cute".
TW: ...then in Clark's football uniform...
AM: That wasn't so bad.
TW: ...and she gave Clark one last best shot.
AoT: But he shoots her down.
MR: So she goes to Lex for consoling.
ED: Really? Lex?
MR: He just saved her lousy life.
AM: Lousy?
AoT: Plus they can commiserate playing the role of spurned lover.
JG: Clark's spurned lover.
ED: So what happened to all these scenes?
TW: They were cut.
KK: They pulled me right off the set of The Aviator and threw together some Lana scenes to fill in the gaps.
ED: You were going to be in The Aviator?
KK: Yup.
ED: That movie won like...
KK: Erica, please, don't rub it in. I was supposed to play Katharine Hepburn!
ED: OMG! Cate Blanchett got your role?
KK: And people wonder why I'm bitter! [Takes a shot.]
ED: I'm so sorry, Kristen.
KK: She has my Oscar! One day I'm going to get invited to a dinner party at her house and I'm going to steal it right off her shelf! [Puts her head down on the bar and starts to softly sob]
ED: [To AoT] Is there something we can do?
KK: [Sobbing] I could have been a contender!
AoT: No, dear. This used to happen all the time. Just let her cry it out.
ED: So they wrote scenes for me too?
AoT: Actually they were basically the same as Lori's. Just a word change here or there so it would make sense. [pause] Well some sense, anyway.
ED: Seriously?
TW: And to take out the sexual tension.
ED: I thought our scenes had a lot of sexual tension, Tom.
AM: [Raises a skeptical eyebrow at ED]
JG: It's kind of sad. They didn't even bother to take out the stuff that was supposed to show English wasn't Lori's first language.
ED: No wonder half my season four lines didn't make sense.
MR: Half your season six lines didn't make sense.
ED: Shut up.
AM: I'm bored now. Will somebody sing for me?
MR: I'll sing!
AoT: [to MR] This is an important moment for Erica. Can you wait until we're done?
MR: But Allison is bored and Kristen's sad. I know! I can sing Wind Beneath my Wings!
KK: [Starts sobbing louder]
TW: Michael!
MR: I'm just trying to help.
AoT: Then be quiet. [to AM] I'll sing for you in a minute, dear.
AM: OK. [Takes a shot]
AoT: The next episode Pa Kent got his wallet stolen.
ED: Oh, yeah! That Bart guy was totally into Chloe. So cute!
TW: Except originally he was into Lori.
AM: Even when we wrote the scripts Chloe couldn't get any love.
MR: She was getting more love than she could handle! She was getting Lex love!
[Cast all stare at MR]
AM: I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
AoT: We wanted Clark to get a little jealous. It was supposed to push the Lori thing along.
ED: But no love for Chloe?
MR: Hello?!!? Lex love!
TW: It was all in the name of getting Clark over Lana.
ED: Oh. OK, then.
MR: Hello?!!? Lex love! That's all the loving Chloe needed!
JG: Lex was starting to make the moves. We had him show Chloe, not Clark, the map to the stones.
ED: Whoah! That seems serious, trading in Clark for Chloe.
AM: It was a step up!
ED: For Lex or for Chloe?
KK: For both.
TW: Hey!
AoT: Then came the body swap episode.
JG: My favorite one!
ED: Because you got to play Superman?
JG: Because that's the episode Lionel died.
ED: Lionel didn't...
MR: In the original he did. Lex took a hit out on him.
TW: Remember the guy that attacked Clark in Lionel's body in prison?
ED: Eh.. no.
MR: He was paid by Lex.
ED: But he didn't succeed.
MR: Not on the first attempt. Just as Clark and Lionel switch back the guy attacked Lionel from behind.
JG: I was free.
MR: Lex was triumphant!
KK: [Pops her head up] I was flirting with Leonardo DiCaprio! [Puts head back down]
TW: Clark was getting over Lana.
AoT: And Chloe was getting ever closer to sleeping with Lex.
ED: How does the body swap get Chloe closer to Lex?
MR: Who do you think Chloe went to after "Clark" ripped her heart out yet again with the fake kiss?
ED: Lois?
JG: Pay attention, woman! There was no Lois!
AM: Yet.
ED: Right. Lori?
AoT: Clark and Lori are busy making goo goo eyes at each other. You think Chloe's going to go to her?
ED: Um.. no?
AoT: [Rolls eyes]
ED: Mama Kent?
JG: Lex, my daft co-star! She went to see Lex!
ED: Oh. [pause] Oh.
TW: After the fake kiss she needed to bitch to somebody.
AM: She said some crap about feeling like she didn't even know who Clark is. Sadly the writers stole the scene and re-worked it to fit season five.
KK: But with Lana.
ED: Really? What scene?
KK: "Please don't defend him, Lex. How could I have been so stupid?"
MR: Oh, yeah. "You're not stupid. You just put your trust in the wrong person."
TW: And then they almost kissed.
MR: You mean Chloe tried to kiss Lex and Lex rebuffed her.
TW: Since Chloe wasn't eighteen we couldn't have Lex kiss her.
ED: If Lex is supposed to be so evil what's the big deal?
MR: Because Lex Luthor is a criminal mastermind, not a creepy pedophile!
JG: Michael, did you sleep through season five?
MR: Lana was eighteen!
JG: She looked twelve. Face it, Lex is basically a creepy pedophile. He had the hots for Lana back when she was a freshman. And if the last couple of seasons have taught us anything it's that he's no criminal mastermind.
ED: What gets Lex to change his mind?
AM: Mikhail.
ED: Mikhail? The magic guy?
AM: Yeah. Remember how he forced Chloe to kiss him?
ED: Oh, yeah. That was pretty creepy.
TW: And yet not creepy enough to prevent an episode like Hypno from happening.
AM: Instead of confiding in Clark Chloe confides in Lex about how Mikhail forced her to kiss him.
AoT: It got Lex jealous.
MR: Not really.
TW: And put Mikhail on his radar which led to locking him up in level 33.1.
AM: Mikhail had to be punished for mistreating Chloe.
MR: He had to be studied for his power! It had nothing to do with Chloe!
AM: It had everything to do with Chloe!
MR: Did not!
AM: Did too!
AoT: Children, please.
ED: Were they this bad back when you were writing the actual episodes?
TW: You have no idea.
MR: Did not!
AM: Did...
AoT: [AoT covers AM's mouth and pokes MR in the chest] That's enough! From the both of you! Go sing a song, Michael.
MR: Cool! [MR Sticks his tongue out at AM as he heads for the stage]
ED: So what happened next?
JG: It was Chloe's eighteenth birthday episode. What do you think happened?
ED: They threw her a party?
JG: [Bangs his head against the bar]

Continued...