7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part VI)

as retold by RepairmanBob
MR: How about… David Bowie?
(The rest of the cast, once again, looks at MR with expressions of shock or horror.)
TW: David. Bowie. You want Darkseid to be modeled after… David Bowie.
MR: Ziggy Stardust! It will be great! We won’t even need CGI! Did you ever see Labyrinth?
KK: Wasn’t that the episode where Jimmy brought Chloe whipped cream for kinky sex?
AoT: No, it was the episode where Clark decided, despite everything he experienced and anything resembling good judgement or common sense, that he still loves Lana.
KK: Can you be a little more specific?
MR: Bowie will wear make-up! We will save a fortune on CGI! This will be so cool!
ED: Michael, we can’t afford David Bowie.
MR: You and Tom keep saying how much endorsement money you have for this episode! Just cut out a few battle scenes –
TW: Cut the battles… for David Bowie.
MR: - and get rid of the guest guest starts like Justin, Kristin Bell and Michael Ironside –
TW: Cut the cast… for David Bowie.
MR: And you will be all set! Heck, worst comes to worst, we all take a pay cut for one episode, and -
TW: (Stands up, leaps over the table and starts to choke MR) You want to cast David Bowie as Darkseid!
(KK+ED struggle to pull TW off MR)
JG: Should we help?
AoT: It is best if the settle it among themselves.
JG: And if Michael gets hurt, they will need someone to pick up the extra screen time.
AoT: Good point.
TW: I have shielding all of you from Singer for weeks! I have put up with all of his crazy shit for you people! And you thank me by trashing Clark!
MR: Bryan… is… cool…
ED: Tom! Let him go!
TW: It took a week of planning to get rid of him! A week of listening to him go on and on about that goddamn Suit and his stupid fucking movie! All so I could craft the perfect episode! The episode that sets the characters on their epics paths!
KK: Tom! He can’t breath!
MR: Bowie… rocks…
TW: Even after all the shit you put Clark through last week, I made Lex look good! And this is how you thank me? By turning my super villain into a mascara-wearing, cross-dressing, 90 pound, 197o's British pop star!
JG: Well, Michael wore a dress in Sorority Boys.
MR: Excellent… songs... in... 1980's...
TW: I will smash you good! (Starts to shake MR)
MR: Saturn... award... winner...
AoT: I think this has gone on long enough. (Stand up, picks up a chair and smashes it over TW’s head. She picks up TW and MR, lifts them into the air, and sets them back in their chairs.) As I was saying, I have an idea. Vince has asked me to set up more cross-over programs with WWE stars. I have someone in mind for this role, a delightful Indian gentleman I visited several museums with in Australian named the Great Khali.
KK: Are you getting some kind of commission for every WWE wrestler you get on Smallville?
AoT: Not that it is any of your business, but yes.
TW: (shakes his head.) Why should I –
AoT: We need someone larger than Clark, correct? Someone frightening looking?
KK: OK, OK, this could work. But what about the lines?
AoT: Sadly, Khali is still working on his English. He is a better speaker than Erica –
ED: Hey!
AoT: But he is only fluent in Indian, Pakistani, French and Russian. And Swedish, for some odd reason.
MR: Isaac - (breaks into a fit of coughing).
TW: No one from the Love Boat! (Stands up, is held back by JG and ED)
MR: (Clears his throat) Isaac Hayes!
TW: Chef?
JG: From Shaft?
ED: That could actually work.
KK: He has a deep enough voice.
MR: And we could always lower it in postproduction. Of course, we could also lower Bowie’s voice –
TW: (Growls)
MR: But this works, too.
JG: One actor as the body, another for the voice? Will the audience really buy that?
KK: Two words, John. Star. Wars.
JG: I see your point.
TW: So we do Khali for the body, and Isaac Hayes for the voice.
MR: I still think we need to talk more about David Bowie!
AoT: Michael, I want this commission. Let it go.

TW: Back to Apokolips. Darkseid is floating serenely in the air.
ED: Zod smiles. “You are defeated, Darkseid! You are beaten, but you are too ignorant to see it! If you surrender now, and kneel before me, I might find the compassion to let you live as my servant! “ Smile turns into a smirk. “But I doubt it.” Cut to behind Zod. His armor is melting and making a pool around his feet.
MR: So, Kryptonians have black piss when they lie?
JG: Or Zod is crapping himself.
AoT: Tom, I thought you had worked Clark being Zod’s bitch.
TW: Just let us finish the scene, OK?
ED: “Surrender now, Darkseid, or I will destroy your precious portal!”
JG: Darkseid looks down and Zod and Clark, and chuckles. It is a low, unpleasant sound, and it rumbles through city. “You will destroy my machine. General Zod, you capacity for providing amusement… is only exceeded by you capacity for self-delusion.”
TW: Zod’s armor forms a large pool behind him, then splits into several smaller puddles.
JG: “You are in the very heart of Apokolips, General Zod. You are surrounded by countless legions of my loyal servants. And you have… a callow, untested youth.”
TW: The pools start to grow upward.
JG: Darkseid’s voice becomes mocking. “You stand before me armed with only hubris and ignorance. Where are your armies, General Zod? Where are the forces who will stand with you against the might of Apokolips?”
ED: “Where are my armies, oh mighty fool?” Behind Zod, twenty Brainiacs rise up. (To MR) Now do you see why we needed the budget?
MR: (Grumbling) Cool, but not as cool as David Bowie.
ED: “They are right where I need them to be.” Ten Brainiacs fly and carry Darkseid away. “Go, Kal-El! Save your world!”
TW: The other ten Brainiacs attack anything between Clark and the portal. The paardemons start to attack again. Clark smiles and runs towards the portal.
ED: Zod laughs, and super speeds to the portal machine.

TW: Darkseid being carried away and attacked by the Brainiacs. They crash through a building, and the robots super speed around Darkseid, stabbing, punching and shooting head vision.
JG: Darkseid is off balance for a few seconds, then growls “Enough.” He shoots black eye beams at a Brainiac. The Brainiac dodges, but the eye beams follow him. When the hit, the robot turns to ash.
MR: Black eye beams?
KK: The Omega Effect. Cool. (Looks around.) What, I am only allowed to know about science fiction from Sci-Fi?
JG: Darkseid ignores the attacks from the other Brainiacs, and quickly uses his eye –
KK: (cough)
JG: Fine, the Omega Effect to destroy them. He scowls.
TW: Back at the portal, Clark has fought his way to within 20 feet of the portal, but the Brainaics helping him are starting to fall.
ED: Zod is speeding through the portal machine, attaching small devices.

Continued...