Bounty by KK & AoT Part I

Lex finds that capturing Kal-El is more complicated than simply hiring an intergalactic thug.

as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)

TW: Me? It was those out of control...
AoT: Gee. I wonder why they're out of control.
TW: You're saying it's my fault?!?!
KK: You are in charge of getting rid of them, no?
TW: Yeah. But...
AoT: And yet somehow they've managed to ruin every promo you've had creative differences with.
TW: I swear I'm not...
KK: Talk to us when they're gone, Tom. Maybe we'll believe you then.
TW: We? Allison, you believe me, don't you?
AM: I... I don't know.
TW: Michael?
MR: He... he did punch out Bryan.
KK: Only after your promo was already conveniently ruined.
[MR looks between TW and KK]
TW: Can't you see what she's doing? She's trying to turn us against each other!
KK: Tom is playing both sides against the middle, Michael. He never wanted your promo to succeed.
TW: You can't trust her, Michael.
JG: We know we can't trust her. The question is can we trust you.
TW: Erica, you trust me? Right?
ED: Sure, I guess.
KK: You don't think Tom ruined your promo?
ED: No.
KK: He didn't have a problem with the strippers?
ED: Well, yeah. But he didn't show up until it was already ruined. It's not as if he knew Whedon would show up. Right?
[KK gives MR a significant look.]
MR: Why haven't you gotten rid of those guys, Tom?
TW: I can't believe this!
KK: Now where were we? Oh, yes, Mr. Ferret was being introduced to Lex.
AoT: "Sir, this is Mr. ...Ferret. He would like to speak with you."
KK: "What do you want?"
AoT: John would you mind reading Ferret for us? You get to use a Lower London British accent.
JG: With pleasure. [In a perfect accent]. "Mr. Luthor, good day. I've heard some talk, sir, that you've been having some trouble with a certain...how should I put this...E.T.? Called Kal-El?"
KK: "Where did you hear that name?"
JG: "Now, now, I don't talk about my sources. I'm sure you understand. The point is...I might know of someone who can help you deal with this problem."
KK: "You don't understand, Mr. Ferret. Assuming this Kal-El does exist...I doubt any one person could stop him."
JG: "Yes, well...let's just say that the problem solver I have in mind is another...out-of-towner. I suppose you could call him a problem eliminator."
AoT: Ferret hands Hope a manila folder. Hope skims the contents, then hands it to Lex.
AM: So, what, we've got that Metallo guy living in Metropolis as a junk dealer?
AoT: God, no. [pauses] Though we considered it. Lex reads the folder's contents.
KK: "I see. It seems like he tends to cause a lot of property damage..."
JG: "Yes, there might be just a touch of that when he comes--I can't deny that. But the job will get done, of that I can be certain."
KK: "Apart from that, he appears capable enough. So--how much is this going to cost me?"
JG: "It won't be cheap, no no, but I'm sure it's in your considerable price range. Especially to get rid of such a problem as Kal-El."
KK: "I should probably spend that money on discovering your sources, Mister--"
JG: "Ferret. Just Ferret--middleman extraordinaire. You want it, I can get it...for a small fee, o'course."
KK: "Of course. Well, then, Mr. Ferret: I do want this. If you can get it, I see a long and beneficial relationship in our future."
JG: "I'm looking forward to it, Mr. Luthor."
AoT: Ferret exits. Hope closes the office door behind him. "Sir, do you really think this...problem eliminator...of his can stop Kal-El?"
KK: Tapping the folder, "We'll see. He seems promising. And even if he's not? The damage that apparently will inevitably be caused is exactly the push I need to get the government to pay more attention to my warnings about the threats being presented to us from outside our planet."
AoT: "I see. So it's a win-win?"
KK: "I wouldn't have it any other way."
MR: Alright. Go Lex!
KK: Glad you're happy Michael.
AM: But you know something's going to go wrong.
MR: [his smile fades] Not necessarily.
JG: Keep telling yourself that.
TW: Unless of course you have another deal with Kristen going.
MR: [getting nervous] Actually, no. [he looks over at KK who is smiling innocently] *gulp*
TW: Really? Geez Kristen, you didn't even lock up a fourth veto vote this time. Looks like it's been too long since your little war with Allison. You're slipping.
[everyone looks at Kristen who just keeps smiling]
KK: Don't get too confident Welling.

AoT: We finish up the teaser by...
ED: It's still not done?
KK: It's almost over. Geez, its not that long a teaser.
ED: No wonder you didn't put the scene with the martian in her teaser.
AoT: [looking angrily at ED] We finish up by cutting to a spacey looking biker bar
AM: Spacey? Like in Kevin?
KK [shouts]: WRONG!
[TW groans]
KK: [grinning broadly] So easy. [to AM] No, spacey like in intergalactic. Think the Mos Eisley cantina meets Quark's.
AoT: Which means the obligatory tracking shot around the bar, watching various humanoids and not-quite-humanoids sipping on drinks and hitting on each other.
ED: With cheesy alien-sounding music?
KK: We're going for something by Nine Inch Nails played backwards and slowed down.
MR: Industrial cantina music? Nice.
AoT: At the end of the tracking shot, a big scaly humanoid gets thrown through a window. Reverse shot to show it's the front window of the bar.
KK: The big scaly guy gets up and runs back into the bar--and then goes flying back out about fifteen seconds later, followed by a couple of other scaly guys. And as they stagger off-camera out walks this huge tough guy with long black hair, black leather, looks like Michael Madsen by way of Harley Quinn, huge skull belt buckle...
MR: [looking excited] Please tell me this is who I think it is!
AoT: The biker easily bashes a bunch more guys and then answers a phone.
AM: Aliens with cell phones?
KK: It's an alien cell phone. He takes down the last couple of guys while talking. John, care to read him too?
MR: Can I read him? Please!
KK: [sighs] Sure Michael, you can read him.
MR: [trying to sound like a butch biker] "This is Master Frag, what do you got for me...Alright...Sounds simple enough, I assume you can pay my fee?...Perfect. Consider him dead, cause the Lobo always gets his man. Besides, I've never been to Earth before." Lobo smiles as he hangs up the phone and gets on his motorcycle. Yes!
KK: It's a huge awesome looking bike with a skull on the front of it. He revs it up and we see fire come out the exhaust. He speeds off leaving a path of fire behind him.
AoT: And cut to credits.
MR: This is so awesome!
TW: Who is this guy, Ghost Rider?
MR: [shocked and appalled] This is Lobo! [everyone just looks at him confused] Come on, don't any of you read the Superman comics?
AM: Not really.
JG: No.
ED: Saw the movies! [Glares at AM] Including Donner's "super secret director's cut". [AM turns red and looks down]
TW: I've read some, but apparently none with this guy.
ED: Oh, and I used to watch that Lois and Clark show.
AoT: I didn't even know who this person was.
ED: But reading isn't really my thing.
KK: [under her breath] No surprise there.
ED: What?
MR: The point is he is awesome and you better not have screwed him up Kristen.
KK: Don't worry Michael. I'm sure you will be very happy with him.

continued...