Bounty by KK & AoT Part XII

as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)

KK: Lionel's cellphone rings. Cut to a closeup as he fishes it out of his jacket and answers it. "Yes? Yes, I know about that. And that...you're not telling me anything I don't already know." John, could you?
JG: From the phone, "Hey, I never expected the two of them to hook up, y'know?" We move to Ferret sitting in a stereotypical greasy dive, talking on a cell phone.
ED: Someone was surprised Clark hooked up with the first alien he saw?
AoT: Apparently Ferret has never watched Smallville.
JG: "I honestly had no idea that was going to happen, Mr. Luthor."
KK: Cut back to Lionel, and back-and-forth cuts for the remainder of the conversation. "Yes, well...has my son been informed?"
JG: "I don't know. I've been dealing with his attack-dog assistant...but I imagine he's clued in by now."
KK: "And what about Lobo?"
JG: "Lobo? Well--"
AoT: A large hand reaches into the shot and takes the phone. Pan over to reveal that it's Lobo himself. "Hate to say I didn't get a job done, but hey--it happens, chief."
KK: "I was counting on you."
AoT: "Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I'm more sorry that this little party planet's gonna be a crispy critter, though...Master Frag really digs the food here."
ED: And the locals.
KK: "What are you talking about?"
AoT: "Nobody said anything about Darkseid being involved, man. See, Lobo lives by two rules: the rule of the road, and the rule about not getting in the way of crazy fraggers with space-based wrecking balls. And that's what Darkseid is, man, and Earth's the building he's gonna demolish. So I'm out of here, and I suggest you do the same thing. Hasta!"
KK: "Wait, you--"
AoT: Lobo hangs up, hands the phone back to Ferret, and walks out of the dive. Ferret just looks at the phone and shakes his head. He hangs up. Cut back to the wide shot of Lionel and MM. Lionel looks concerned.
AoT: "Lionel Luthor. You seem troubled."
KK: Lionel gathers himself, shakes his head. "It's all right, J'onn. But it does seem that...a peaceful solution to the Darkseid issue may have eluded us."
ED: Wait, so Lionel was behind all of this?
JG: isn't it wonderful? He sent Ferret to Lex, once again manipulating his idiot son, all the while outsmarting MM! Lionel
ED: But that doesn't make any sense!
JG: Of course it does! Lionel gets to manipulate Lex!
ED: But why would Lionel want to trick Lex? Why does Lionel want Lex to be in change of the earth's alien response team? Why is Lionel lying to MM?
[AoT & KK & JG look at each other]
ED: It doesn't make any sense!
JG: Lionel beat Lex! That is all I care about!
AoT: MM is silent.
KK: "I suppose we'll have to sleep on it. Good night, J'onn."
AoT: "Good night, Lionel Luthor." MM flies up and out of sight. Pan around Lionel to a side shot of him looking up at the starry night sky as MM's familiar red glow fades. Cut to credits.

KK: My last, greatest script is complete. Take that, Welling!
AoT: I just hope Tom is able to look at this as learning experience.
JG: Yes, the lesson being that he needs to get rid of those fucking producers!
ED: [Standing up] I can't believe you two still think Tom was the one who ruined your promos. Are you really that dumb?
AoT: [Jaw drops]
JG: [Looks shocked] Did you... did you just call us dumb?
ED: Look at it like a crime. What is Tom's motive?
KK: What are you babbling about?
ED: I am trying out for a new crime show on USA during the summer hiatus, so I've been watching lots of Law & Order and CSI.
JG: What are you talking about?
ED: [Looks excited] It's called Bikini Justice! I am up for the role of the assistant district attorney in change of beach crimes!
AoT: Can we get back to the part where you had the unmitigated gall to call me dumb?
ED: Oh, yeah. What's Tom's motive for ruining our promos? How does he benefit?
KK: I'll tell you how! Tom has a stick up his ass, and wants us all to suffer!
AoT & JG: Yeah!
ED: Wrong! Tom wants Smallville to be successful and for Dawn to leave him alone. He tried to stop the promos because we went over budget.
KK: He didn't just try to stop the promos! He told the producers where we were doing them, so they could ruin everything!
ED: But why would Tom do that?
JG: Because he hates when we have any fun!
AoT: Because he was jealous of our creativity!
KK: Because he sucks!
ED: Are you three high?
JG: [Shrugs] Well, I did eat some brownies Allison baked this morning.
ED: [Shakes her head] Think about it! Yes, Tom was pissed that we blew the budget for his next episode on our promos. But why have Singer and those other assholes ruin them after we got started?
KK: Because he is a jerk!
ED: We already spent the money! At least if the commercials were finished, he would have something to show Dawn! But now, Tom has no promos, the show is out a ton of money –
JG: Male strippers are not cheap.
AoT: Not good ones, anyway.
ED - the budget for Confession is still screwed, and Dawn is more pissed off than ever!
KK: That has to the absolutely, positively, hands down, the most –
AoT: [Shocked expression] Intelligent thing you have every said, Erica.
JG & KK: What?
AoT: She's right. Tom has always put the good o the show over personal vendettas.
JG: I never could understand that kind of thinking.
KK: Tom isn't thinking clearly! He wanted us to suffer!
ED: What is this "us" crap, Kristin? Lana's dead! Did you even do a commercial?
JG: My Lord, Erica is right.
KK: No! It was Tom!
ED: Ask yourself: Who benefits from all of our promos being trashed? Who wants Tom to suffer, and is willing to sacrifice the rest of us to do it? Who is such a complete asshole that they would fuck with the entire show just for their own amusement?
KK: [Shifts uncomfortably]
AoT: [Looks at JG]
JG: Oh, come now, Annette. Would I really ruin my own promo?
AoT: No, I suppose not.
ED: Who is enough of a bastard that they would sell us out to Singer and the other producers like that?
KK: [Stands, heads for the door.] I have to go do... stuff. Important stuff. [Runs out]
ED: Bye, Kristin!
AoT & JG: [Look at each other, then look at a fleeing KK]
AoT: You don't suppose...
JG: Even by our standards...
AoT: Even you would not stoop that low. Well, not without some kind of financial compensation.
JG: Well, that goes without saying.
ED: [Looks out window] Is Kristin driving a new car?

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