JG: But Zod easily...
TW: Not easily!
JG: Whatever, that's for the director to decide. Zod knocks Clark flat, "This time I won't be so easily tricked, Kal-El." Zod punches Clark across the Fortress. Clark smashes into a wall and Zod super speeds over after him and grabs him by the throat.
TW: "I won't let you destroy Earth."
JG: Is that the best you've got? Come on, get in character man!
TW: This doesn't look like the scene I sent you.
JG: Just read. We can hash out details later.
TW: Fine. "I won't let you destroy Earth!"
JG: Better! Zod punches Clark with his other hand.
KK: A couple times. I put a couple times in the script.
TW: Kristen!
JG: Right, a couple times. Good choice, Kreuk.
TW: John!
JG: "Silence! I'm not going to destroy this world! I'm going to save it, it and countless others! I am going to reverse the mistakes of my pathetic superiors!"
TW: "You..."
JG: "Thanks to a complete and utter lack of foresight the myopic Kryptonian government led by your father believed peace must be maintained at all costs."
TW: "Maybe someone like you could never understand the value of peace."
MR: Yeah, give peace a chance!
JG: Shut up. "I know peace is never worth more than my own people's survival."
TW: "Survival? What does that have to do with turning this world into some idealized version of Kryp--"
JG: "Child, are as blind as the counsel! I did it to stop them!"
TW: "Stop who?"
JG: "Krypton's greatest enemy!" Zod tosses Clark across the fortress again. "The enemy who made a mockery of your father's ridiculously misguided quest for peace!"
MR: Dammit, I can't think of a good Nuclear Man joke.
JG: There aren't any, Rosenbaum.
TW: "You plan to destroy Earth like you did Krypton when you betrayed Jor-El!"
JG: "Me, destroy Krypton? You are as much a fool as your father! I was the only one willing to save it! The government...Jor-El...they are the ones who betrayed me! And my forces... Your father stood by and allowed them to be slaughtered by the thousands... all for naught! His betrayal was the beginning of the end for Krypton."
TW: "No! Jor-El did everything he could to save Krypton!"
JG: "Do not presume to speak to me of 'noble' Jor-El, whelp! Jor-El did everything he could to save you and this planet. I had already been exiled to the Phantom Zone, but I heard the stories... of the attack that destroyed our world because no one else had the courage to stop it. If your fool of a sire and his cabal of sycophants on the council had only listened to me, I could have... No. I would have saved our world... our families...our friends... the entire Kryptonian Alliance would have been spared! But the benevolent Jor-El decided to the fate of hairless primates polluting this back water world was more important than the fate of his own people! He valued animals above his own race!"
TW: Clark super speeds up to Zod.
JG: In slow motion Zod easily grabs him by the throat.
TW: Come on!
JG: Just read the script, Tom.
TW: "What are you talking about?"
JG: "That's right, Kal-El. You're not alone. Your father mated with one of these beasts you've so grown to love as well..."
AoT: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
JG: What?
AoT: Jor-El had sex with a human?
JG: Yeah, what's her name...
KK: Lana's aunt, Louise.
ED: Clark should be all over that!
TW: What?
KK: All over Louise?
ED: No! To find out how Jor-El did it.
MR: Here's my guess. Very carefully.
ED: Shut up, Michael. So he can get it on with Lana!
KK: Lana is dead.
ED: Well... Chloe then.
KK: Chloe is dead.
ED: Oh, yeah. Never mind.
KK: Although...
ED: Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no!
KK: I think you've found the perfect solution for how Lois gets pregnant!
ED: Crap!
KK: No more hiding behind super sex.
ED: Shut up!
JG: As fascinating as this digression has been may I get on with my magnificent rant?
AoT: Go ahead, John.
JG: You've broken my stride. I'm going to start over.
KK: Lois and Clark sittin' in a tree...
ED: Shut up!
JG: Yes, Kristen, shut up. "That's right, Kal-El. You're not alone. Your father mated with one of these beasts you've so grown to love as well. Suddenly they meant more to him than decades of friendship, more than his home planet, Krypton, more than even his own wife!" Zod spits in disgust.
ED: Now hold on a second. Didn't Zod want to jump Lana's bones too?
KK: Yeah, I distinctly remember because I had to kiss Michael.
MR: You loved it.
KK: I still remember the smell of onion burger!
MR: See? I knew you loved it.
KK: You know what I loved? The stabbing scene.
MR: You mean when Zod nailed Lana's hand to the wall?
KK: No!
MR: I loved that one too.
JG: Stop you two. When Michael was playing Zod Krypton had been destroyed. Zod had been trapped without a body in the Phantom Zone for about twenty years.
ED: He was desperate.
JG: Lana was acceptable as a last viable option kind of thing. Zod would only screw a human if humans were the only thing left.
KK: OK, whatever.
ED: I thought you didn't care about Lana anymore?
KK: Yeah, um, I don't. It's just that...
MR: You don't like her being the option of last resort?
KK: Shut up!
JG: What can I say? Not all Kryptonians are blinded by the pink. [pauses] Imagine a really lonely farmer.
TW: You just had to go there, didn't you?
KK: Except with Papa Kent he wasn't really all that lonely.
TW: Kristen!
JG: Heh, good one, Kreuk. Now, where were we? Oh yes, depravity.
TW: [sighs]
JG: "It was your depraved, ignorant, human-loving father who doomed your race, Kal-El! Now I'm all that is left of the once great Kryptonian people-- for you, like your father, are nothing more than an insult to your Kryptonian heritage!" Here Zod punches Clark, slowly and deliberately. He pulls a crystal from the console.
MR: I think Clark is about to become someone's "bitch."
JG: Heh, if only we aired on HBO.
TW: Yeah, about that, I'm not liking your edit here much at all.
JG: It's all to build Zod up so Clark can take him later. "You are weak!" Punch. Zod pulls another crystal. "You are useless!" Punch. Another crystal. "And this time you will not stop me!"
MR: Punch?
JG: Actually Zod throws Clark yet again. This time right through an ice column.
TW: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
JG: A little. Cut to Clark lying in a pile of broken ice and so on, bloodied and battered.
TW: A little?
JG: OK, a lot. We end with a shot from slightly below of Zod standing tall, fists full of crystal, looking pissed but with a slightly obsessed smile on his face.
KK: We're thinking Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
JG: Music swells.
KK: Wendy, I'm home!
JG: Cut to black title card: "To Be Continued..."
TW: That's it. We're re-writing that last scene!
JG: No, we're not.
TW: I take Bryan's flak for you guys and this is how you repay me?
KK: Oh, come on, Tom. It's not like we're asking you to wear the suit.
TW: Frankly the suit is starting to not look so bad.
Next
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part VI)
JG: Cut to inside the warehouse.
TW: An agitated Hasaad gets a report from a lackey. The portal is almost finished.
JG: Hasaad asks about their power needs.
KK: You mean their aching need.
MR: Does he hold up a dildo shaped crystal?
TW: No, he doesn't not hold up a crystal.
JG: Excellent idea. The lackey holds up a crystal.
ED: Hasaad, "Give it to me."
TW: No!
JG: Yes! [Writing it the script] Excellent, Erica.
TW: No, [TW grabs JG's pencil] He explains they hooked several access points into the national power grid.
JG: You know what? You're no fun, Tom.
JG: Cut to the hospital.
TW: Lex drops in on Lionel.
MR: Lex is going to kill him, right?
JG: No. "What have you done, son?"
MR: He wheels Lionel out to torture him again, right?
TW: No, Lex starts rationalizing the abduction and torture.
MR: Super.
JG: Lionel makes it clear that's not the problem.
TW: Lex wonders what he's screwed up this time.
MR: Hey!
TW: He's being sarcastic.
MR: Oh. OK.
JG: But ironically Lex has screwed up big.
MR: Dammit!
TW: A colossal screw up.
JG: A screw up the size usually reserved for Clark.
TW: Hey!
JG: "You've given possibly our greatest enemy free passage to Earth." Sound familiar Tom?
TW: Shut up! "What are you talking about?"
JG: "The portal, son. The fate of us all may lay in your hands, Lex. It's up to you to shut it down before it's too late."
TW: "The portal...?" Lex pulls out his phone. He calls Hope. Cut to Hope struggling to free herself from when Otis tied her up.
MR: What? No one has found her yet?
JG: No.
MR: It's the next freaking day!
KK: It's Luthor security.
JG: And Otis is really good with knots.
MR: Dammit!
JG: The Fortress.
TW: Clark hides behind one of the ice crystal columns.
JG: J'onn sees him and nods as he removes a blind fold from Zack.
TW: Zack believes this is J'onn's fortress and J'onn is the last son of Kryptonian.
MR: Tricky.
JG: J'onn places the crystal containing Zod inside a lighted circle and backs away. Zod takes on a holographic form and demands to be let out.
TW: J'onn makes allusions to this great enemy, piquing Zod's attention. Zod tries to use his knowledge as leverage to gain his freedom. "If what you say is true, you need me, more than you could possibly know. Set me free and I will help you!"
JG: After some back and forth it becomes clear Zod won't co-operate willingly. J'onn explains they will extract the information telepathically.
TW: "Without my freedom you will never get the information you seek."
JG: J'onn motions to Zack.
TW: Zack reaches into the light to place his hands on the crystal.
JG: Zod resists.
TW: Zack concentrates, "Almost. There."
JG: Zack begins to scream. Show a flash back of Zack being taken from his bed and then of Zack bursting from a cocoon and screaming and return to real time all the while with Zack's scream continuous. He is thrown across the room and Zod's hologram goes out.
TW: Clark moves towards Zack but J'onn motions him away.
JG: J'onn kneels to help, "Mr. O'Donnell, did you get what we needed?"
TW: Zack seems confused for a second. As he stands with J'onn's help he smiles, "Yes, yes I did."
JG: Bittleman and Lois sneak into the warehouse in time to see Hasaad start the power up sequence.
TW: The hospital. Lex is still on the phone trying to get to hope. The hospital lights dim and then go out. Lex closes his phone.
JG: Lionel, "Lex, tell me you can shut down the portal."
TW: Lex gulps.
JG: The warehouse.
TW: The portal hums and emits a brilliant light.
JG: Lois, "Whoa! I'd hate to see their electricity bill!"
TW: We hear a sonic boom and the light disappears revealing a blanket of nighttime sky through the portal.
JG: Bittleman, "Oh, my God."
TW: The humming fades. The night sky disappears. Hasaad is pissed. "We need more power! Re-connect us to the LuthorCorp main grid."
TW: Fortress. Zack, "I got exactly what I needed." He smiles smiles and grabs J'onn around the neck.
ED: Wait. Zack O'Donnell.
JG: With Clark's crystal in his other hand, "Good bye, filthy Martian."
ED: Z. O'Donnell...
TW: The Crystal sucks Jonn's essence out of his body and into the crystal.
ED: Z. O'D...
JG: Zack laughs and looks at his hand, "As much as I'd prefer a true Kryptonian vessel a prepared version will have to do."
ED: Oh my God! Zack O'Donnell is Zod!
KK: Just catching on to that one, Erica?
ED: That is soooo cool!
TW: Pretty clever, huh?
ED: I didn't know Zod was Irish!
KK: [rolls eyes]
TW: Clark emerges from behind the column, "Zod!"
JG: "Indeed. I have returned to finish what I started."
TW: "Let J'onn go."
JG: "I don't take orders from a whelp." Zod crushes the crystal in his hand and smiles.
TW: Clark goes Clark smash! and rushes Zod.
Continued...
TW: An agitated Hasaad gets a report from a lackey. The portal is almost finished.
JG: Hasaad asks about their power needs.
KK: You mean their aching need.
MR: Does he hold up a dildo shaped crystal?
TW: No, he doesn't not hold up a crystal.
JG: Excellent idea. The lackey holds up a crystal.
ED: Hasaad, "Give it to me."
TW: No!
JG: Yes! [Writing it the script] Excellent, Erica.
TW: No, [TW grabs JG's pencil] He explains they hooked several access points into the national power grid.
JG: You know what? You're no fun, Tom.
JG: Cut to the hospital.
TW: Lex drops in on Lionel.
MR: Lex is going to kill him, right?
JG: No. "What have you done, son?"
MR: He wheels Lionel out to torture him again, right?
TW: No, Lex starts rationalizing the abduction and torture.
MR: Super.
JG: Lionel makes it clear that's not the problem.
TW: Lex wonders what he's screwed up this time.
MR: Hey!
TW: He's being sarcastic.
MR: Oh. OK.
JG: But ironically Lex has screwed up big.
MR: Dammit!
TW: A colossal screw up.
JG: A screw up the size usually reserved for Clark.
TW: Hey!
JG: "You've given possibly our greatest enemy free passage to Earth." Sound familiar Tom?
TW: Shut up! "What are you talking about?"
JG: "The portal, son. The fate of us all may lay in your hands, Lex. It's up to you to shut it down before it's too late."
TW: "The portal...?" Lex pulls out his phone. He calls Hope. Cut to Hope struggling to free herself from when Otis tied her up.
MR: What? No one has found her yet?
JG: No.
MR: It's the next freaking day!
KK: It's Luthor security.
JG: And Otis is really good with knots.
MR: Dammit!
JG: The Fortress.
TW: Clark hides behind one of the ice crystal columns.
JG: J'onn sees him and nods as he removes a blind fold from Zack.
TW: Zack believes this is J'onn's fortress and J'onn is the last son of Kryptonian.
MR: Tricky.
JG: J'onn places the crystal containing Zod inside a lighted circle and backs away. Zod takes on a holographic form and demands to be let out.
TW: J'onn makes allusions to this great enemy, piquing Zod's attention. Zod tries to use his knowledge as leverage to gain his freedom. "If what you say is true, you need me, more than you could possibly know. Set me free and I will help you!"
JG: After some back and forth it becomes clear Zod won't co-operate willingly. J'onn explains they will extract the information telepathically.
TW: "Without my freedom you will never get the information you seek."
JG: J'onn motions to Zack.
TW: Zack reaches into the light to place his hands on the crystal.
JG: Zod resists.
TW: Zack concentrates, "Almost. There."
JG: Zack begins to scream. Show a flash back of Zack being taken from his bed and then of Zack bursting from a cocoon and screaming and return to real time all the while with Zack's scream continuous. He is thrown across the room and Zod's hologram goes out.
TW: Clark moves towards Zack but J'onn motions him away.
JG: J'onn kneels to help, "Mr. O'Donnell, did you get what we needed?"
TW: Zack seems confused for a second. As he stands with J'onn's help he smiles, "Yes, yes I did."
JG: Bittleman and Lois sneak into the warehouse in time to see Hasaad start the power up sequence.
TW: The hospital. Lex is still on the phone trying to get to hope. The hospital lights dim and then go out. Lex closes his phone.
JG: Lionel, "Lex, tell me you can shut down the portal."
TW: Lex gulps.
JG: The warehouse.
TW: The portal hums and emits a brilliant light.
JG: Lois, "Whoa! I'd hate to see their electricity bill!"
TW: We hear a sonic boom and the light disappears revealing a blanket of nighttime sky through the portal.
JG: Bittleman, "Oh, my God."
TW: The humming fades. The night sky disappears. Hasaad is pissed. "We need more power! Re-connect us to the LuthorCorp main grid."
TW: Fortress. Zack, "I got exactly what I needed." He smiles smiles and grabs J'onn around the neck.
ED: Wait. Zack O'Donnell.
JG: With Clark's crystal in his other hand, "Good bye, filthy Martian."
ED: Z. O'Donnell...
TW: The Crystal sucks Jonn's essence out of his body and into the crystal.
ED: Z. O'D...
JG: Zack laughs and looks at his hand, "As much as I'd prefer a true Kryptonian vessel a prepared version will have to do."
ED: Oh my God! Zack O'Donnell is Zod!
KK: Just catching on to that one, Erica?
ED: That is soooo cool!
TW: Pretty clever, huh?
ED: I didn't know Zod was Irish!
KK: [rolls eyes]
TW: Clark emerges from behind the column, "Zod!"
JG: "Indeed. I have returned to finish what I started."
TW: "Let J'onn go."
JG: "I don't take orders from a whelp." Zod crushes the crystal in his hand and smiles.
TW: Clark goes Clark smash! and rushes Zod.
Continued...
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part V)
JG: Recruitment center. Martha and J'onn ask Titian if they can speak with Lucius.
TW: Clark brings up the rear and seems impatient.
JG: Titian to J'onn, "You are an associate of Senator's Kent's?"
TW: Martha, "An ally."
JG: Titian is cold, "Lucius is currently unavailable. I'll let him know you dropped by."
TW: Clark jumps in, "We're looking for a telepath. Does your organization have one?"
JG: Titian, "Thanks to Senator Kent's bill the government is already aware if there are telepaths amoung our ranks. Why don't you look it up yourself?"
TW: Clark looks uncomfortable.
JG: Martha, "We need someone we can trust. Someone Lucius trusts."
TW: Titian, "If you trust Lucius so much, " he gestures to the line of freaks, "why do you insist on this?"
JG: Martha, "Just please give Lucius the message."
TW: Back to LuthorCorp. Hope attempts to kick Lucius but he spins her around to use as a human shield.
JG: She struggles in vain. Lucius, "Now boys, how is this going to go down?"
TW: A guard takes aim, "You might as well let her go. There's no way out."
JG: Just then a chair smashes over his head.
TW: Cut to a wide shot to show it was Otis.
MR: What? Otis is competent now?!!?
JG: It's my episode, of course Otis is competent. Besides, if Lionel has to be shot I might as well get something!
MR: I say don't shoot Lionel and make Otis an idiot!
KK: OK. If we don't shoot Lionel Hope will have to look like the idiot.
MR: What?!?
KK: One way or another Lionel and Lucius escape.
MR: No. No deal.
KK: Good. Otis punches out the other guard. Hope struggles to escape as Otis checks Lionel's pulse. "We have to get him to a hospital."
JG: Cut to Lucius and Hope. Lucius morphs into the form of Hope. "Are you good with rope, Otis?"
TW: Otis smiles deviously.
MR: Oh my God, Otis isn't just competent, he's a perv!
ED: So he knows how to tie a knot. Maybe he was a boy scout.
MR: Yeah, right.
AoT: Maybe a pervy boy scout?
JG: Hope, realizing what they're going to do struggles harder.
TW: Cut to Lionel in a hospital bed.
JG: I swear, Kruek, I'll get you.
KK: Just remember granny Mack.
JG: Lucius and Titian tell Martha, Clark and J'onn he's found a telepath.
TW: Clark asks if they can trust him.
JG: Lucius, "I don't know. He just signed on."
TW: J'onn tries to pull Clark aside.
JG: Titian raises his voice, "So that's it? You're not going to tell us what this is all about?"
TW: J'onn, "Not yet. We'll get back to you."
JG: Titian glares at J'onn. Then to Martha, "They say you can tell a lot about a politician by the company they keep." He turns and walks off. Lucius begins to follow.
TW: Martha, "Lucius... If he's willing, bring him to the farm tomorrow." She looks at J'onn, "We should at least meet him before we pass judgment."
JG: DP, early morning. Lois walks into Bittleman's office.
TW: Bittleman tries to wish her a good morning.
JG: But she immediately starts bitching about Clark not doing anything about Chloe's death.
ED: What? Since when does Lois bitch about Clark?
AoT: When does she not?
KK: When she's bitching about someone else?
ED: What? Who?
MR: Lex.
ED: She does not bitch about Lex!
MR: She's always bitching about Clark or Lex.
KK: Because she's always bitching.
ED: No, she's not always bitching!
KK: OK. Maybe sometimes she's just whining.
MR: That's only because sometimes her bitching sounds a lot like whining.
ED: Had I mentioned I hate you guys.
JG: Bittleman observes she seems overly concerned about what Clark is going to do when what she should be asking herself is what is she going to do.
ED: Duh! Can't Lois figure that out on her own?
MR: Apparently not.
TW: "Well, Chloe would..."
JG: "No! What is Lois Lane going to do?"
TW: Lois takes a deep breath, "I'm going to take Lex's sorry ass down, once and for all."
JG: "Good girl. Let's get started."
TW: They use Bittleman’s union contacts to find out huge amounts of materials are being moved from locations all around Metropolis to an isolated, high tech facility 30 minutes outside of Metropolis.
JG: "I wonder what he's building."
TW: "Whatever it is, it's big. And it uses a lot of power."
JG: They leave to investigate.
TW: Recruitment center. The place is empty except for Lucius.
JG: Zack arrives.
TW: "Are you ready to go?"
JG: Zack nervously shuffles his feet. "We have to talk."
TW: LuthorCorp lab. Dr. Richards is looking at blood samples.
JG: Lex asks if he got what they needed.
TW: "I did." He pauses, "But our credibility within the meteor infected community is already strained. If they ever found out what we're doing."
JG: Lex interrupts, "You're career would be over." Lex pauses, "Don't worry, Dr. Richards. As long as you do your job right you have nothing to worry about."
JG: Lois and Bittleman poking around the outside of a warehouse.
TW: A little banter about how Lois is going to make it her mission in life to take down Lex now that Chloe is dead.
ED: Go Lois!
JG: Bittleman points out that's easier said than done. "Saving the world can wait. Let's focus on shutting down Salvation and saving the poor saps who've been infected with meteor rock first."
TW: Clark, at the farm.
JG: Lucius and Titian arrive and are greeted by Martha.
TW: Off to the side Clark asks J'onn if he thinks Lucius can be trusted.
JG: J'onn gets pissy about Clark not trusting him to channel Zod.
TW: Clark, "You know we can't risk that!"
JG: J'onn, "If you don't trust me then it doesn't matter whether or not I trust Lucius, does it?" J'onn pauses, "Without Zod's knowledge Earth doesn't stand a chance."
TW: Clark doesn't seem happy.
JG: Lucius spots the two of them talking. He tells them there is something they should know. Zack may have been abducted last night.
TW: Clark, "What do you mean?"
JG: Titian, "Why didn't you tell me this, Lucius?"
TW: Lucius looks pointedly at Martha, "Ever since we've been forced to register our abilities..."
JG: Titian, "We've been afraid LuthorCorp would make use of our records."
TW: Lucius, "We have no proof LuthorCorp is behind this."
JG: Clark, "Actually, we've seen this before. He did the same thing to Chloe... and now she's dead."
TW: J'onn, "If Lex has compromised this man we cannot..."
JG: Clark, "J'onn, whatever Lex did to Chloe she was still the same person."
TW: J'onn, "Was she?"
JG: Clark looks like he's about to go Clark smash!
TW: Titian is angry, "You'd think the smorgasbord of subjects he gets from offering his cure would satisfy him."
JG: Clark, "You don't know Lex like I do. His thirst for power is insatiable."
TW: J'onn asks Titian and Lucius to excuse them. To Clark, "I can do this."
JG: "We've been over this J'onn. Chloe already looked into Lex's abductions. All he did was run tests and implant people with a tracking devices -- which we can remove. It will be fine."
TW: "But what if..."
JG: "We already decided you'll pose as me. My secret will be safe."
MR: Famous last words.
TW: If Lex hasn't figured it out yet you think this will do it?
MR: Shut up.
TW: Clark hesitates, "You can scan his mind if that will make you feel better, but none of Lex's victims ever remembered a thing."
TW: J'onn nods. They turn to Lucius, "Bring him."
Continued...
TW: Clark brings up the rear and seems impatient.
JG: Titian to J'onn, "You are an associate of Senator's Kent's?"
TW: Martha, "An ally."
JG: Titian is cold, "Lucius is currently unavailable. I'll let him know you dropped by."
TW: Clark jumps in, "We're looking for a telepath. Does your organization have one?"
JG: Titian, "Thanks to Senator Kent's bill the government is already aware if there are telepaths amoung our ranks. Why don't you look it up yourself?"
TW: Clark looks uncomfortable.
JG: Martha, "We need someone we can trust. Someone Lucius trusts."
TW: Titian, "If you trust Lucius so much, " he gestures to the line of freaks, "why do you insist on this?"
JG: Martha, "Just please give Lucius the message."
TW: Back to LuthorCorp. Hope attempts to kick Lucius but he spins her around to use as a human shield.
JG: She struggles in vain. Lucius, "Now boys, how is this going to go down?"
TW: A guard takes aim, "You might as well let her go. There's no way out."
JG: Just then a chair smashes over his head.
TW: Cut to a wide shot to show it was Otis.
MR: What? Otis is competent now?!!?
JG: It's my episode, of course Otis is competent. Besides, if Lionel has to be shot I might as well get something!
MR: I say don't shoot Lionel and make Otis an idiot!
KK: OK. If we don't shoot Lionel Hope will have to look like the idiot.
MR: What?!?
KK: One way or another Lionel and Lucius escape.
MR: No. No deal.
KK: Good. Otis punches out the other guard. Hope struggles to escape as Otis checks Lionel's pulse. "We have to get him to a hospital."
JG: Cut to Lucius and Hope. Lucius morphs into the form of Hope. "Are you good with rope, Otis?"
TW: Otis smiles deviously.
MR: Oh my God, Otis isn't just competent, he's a perv!
ED: So he knows how to tie a knot. Maybe he was a boy scout.
MR: Yeah, right.
AoT: Maybe a pervy boy scout?
JG: Hope, realizing what they're going to do struggles harder.
TW: Cut to Lionel in a hospital bed.
JG: I swear, Kruek, I'll get you.
KK: Just remember granny Mack.
JG: Lucius and Titian tell Martha, Clark and J'onn he's found a telepath.
TW: Clark asks if they can trust him.
JG: Lucius, "I don't know. He just signed on."
TW: J'onn tries to pull Clark aside.
JG: Titian raises his voice, "So that's it? You're not going to tell us what this is all about?"
TW: J'onn, "Not yet. We'll get back to you."
JG: Titian glares at J'onn. Then to Martha, "They say you can tell a lot about a politician by the company they keep." He turns and walks off. Lucius begins to follow.
TW: Martha, "Lucius... If he's willing, bring him to the farm tomorrow." She looks at J'onn, "We should at least meet him before we pass judgment."
JG: DP, early morning. Lois walks into Bittleman's office.
TW: Bittleman tries to wish her a good morning.
JG: But she immediately starts bitching about Clark not doing anything about Chloe's death.
ED: What? Since when does Lois bitch about Clark?
AoT: When does she not?
KK: When she's bitching about someone else?
ED: What? Who?
MR: Lex.
ED: She does not bitch about Lex!
MR: She's always bitching about Clark or Lex.
KK: Because she's always bitching.
ED: No, she's not always bitching!
KK: OK. Maybe sometimes she's just whining.
MR: That's only because sometimes her bitching sounds a lot like whining.
ED: Had I mentioned I hate you guys.
JG: Bittleman observes she seems overly concerned about what Clark is going to do when what she should be asking herself is what is she going to do.
ED: Duh! Can't Lois figure that out on her own?
MR: Apparently not.
TW: "Well, Chloe would..."
JG: "No! What is Lois Lane going to do?"
TW: Lois takes a deep breath, "I'm going to take Lex's sorry ass down, once and for all."
JG: "Good girl. Let's get started."
TW: They use Bittleman’s union contacts to find out huge amounts of materials are being moved from locations all around Metropolis to an isolated, high tech facility 30 minutes outside of Metropolis.
JG: "I wonder what he's building."
TW: "Whatever it is, it's big. And it uses a lot of power."
JG: They leave to investigate.
TW: Recruitment center. The place is empty except for Lucius.
JG: Zack arrives.
TW: "Are you ready to go?"
JG: Zack nervously shuffles his feet. "We have to talk."
TW: LuthorCorp lab. Dr. Richards is looking at blood samples.
JG: Lex asks if he got what they needed.
TW: "I did." He pauses, "But our credibility within the meteor infected community is already strained. If they ever found out what we're doing."
JG: Lex interrupts, "You're career would be over." Lex pauses, "Don't worry, Dr. Richards. As long as you do your job right you have nothing to worry about."
JG: Lois and Bittleman poking around the outside of a warehouse.
TW: A little banter about how Lois is going to make it her mission in life to take down Lex now that Chloe is dead.
ED: Go Lois!
JG: Bittleman points out that's easier said than done. "Saving the world can wait. Let's focus on shutting down Salvation and saving the poor saps who've been infected with meteor rock first."
TW: Clark, at the farm.
JG: Lucius and Titian arrive and are greeted by Martha.
TW: Off to the side Clark asks J'onn if he thinks Lucius can be trusted.
JG: J'onn gets pissy about Clark not trusting him to channel Zod.
TW: Clark, "You know we can't risk that!"
JG: J'onn, "If you don't trust me then it doesn't matter whether or not I trust Lucius, does it?" J'onn pauses, "Without Zod's knowledge Earth doesn't stand a chance."
TW: Clark doesn't seem happy.
JG: Lucius spots the two of them talking. He tells them there is something they should know. Zack may have been abducted last night.
TW: Clark, "What do you mean?"
JG: Titian, "Why didn't you tell me this, Lucius?"
TW: Lucius looks pointedly at Martha, "Ever since we've been forced to register our abilities..."
JG: Titian, "We've been afraid LuthorCorp would make use of our records."
TW: Lucius, "We have no proof LuthorCorp is behind this."
JG: Clark, "Actually, we've seen this before. He did the same thing to Chloe... and now she's dead."
TW: J'onn, "If Lex has compromised this man we cannot..."
JG: Clark, "J'onn, whatever Lex did to Chloe she was still the same person."
TW: J'onn, "Was she?"
JG: Clark looks like he's about to go Clark smash!
TW: Titian is angry, "You'd think the smorgasbord of subjects he gets from offering his cure would satisfy him."
JG: Clark, "You don't know Lex like I do. His thirst for power is insatiable."
TW: J'onn asks Titian and Lucius to excuse them. To Clark, "I can do this."
JG: "We've been over this J'onn. Chloe already looked into Lex's abductions. All he did was run tests and implant people with a tracking devices -- which we can remove. It will be fine."
TW: "But what if..."
JG: "We already decided you'll pose as me. My secret will be safe."
MR: Famous last words.
TW: If Lex hasn't figured it out yet you think this will do it?
MR: Shut up.
TW: Clark hesitates, "You can scan his mind if that will make you feel better, but none of Lex's victims ever remembered a thing."
TW: J'onn nods. They turn to Lucius, "Bring him."
Continued...
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part IV)
TW: Lex enters Hasaad's facility.
JG: Hassad thanks Lex for his help but says he needs more power.
KK: Who doesn't?
TW: Lex, "I noticed. You tapped into the LuthorCorp grid and nearly ruined an important procedure earlier during one of your tests. This facility has enough power to run a mid-sized city – deal with it. I'm cutting you off the corporate grid. I have my own energy needs."
KK: Can we make it phallic?
MR: What? No!
TW: Lex has own.... what needs?
MR: Tom!
KK: Aching needs?
MR: No!
TW: Does that fit in with the conversation?
JG: Who cares!
ED: Lex should say that to Hasaad.
TW: What?
AoT: Something like, "Don't look to me to satisfy your aching needs."
JG: Not bad.
AoT: "Find someone else to fill it."
JG: [Writing] Good, Annette.
ED: Then cut immediately to Clark.
TW: What?!?!
JG: Not yet. First Lex says, "I have needs of my own."
MR: What?
JG: Then cut immediately to Clark!
KK: Perfect!
TW: It's not perfect!
JG: Maybe it's not perfect, but it's pretty damn good. Cut to Clark at the Fortress.
TW: But...
ED: Come on Tom. The fans expect some HoYay.
KK: You're not going to deny them HoYay, are you?
TW: [sighs] Fine. The fortress.
KK: Clark holds one of the ice dildos.
TW: No, he doesn't!
ED: It fits the HoYay.
TW: He's not holding anything. And he balks at the suggestion of accepting Zod's...
KK: ...You-know-what...
TW: Help.
KK: ...You-know-where...
TW: Shut up!
KK: Zod might be a "big" help.
TW: [Rolls eyes]
JG: J'onn explains they're just going to get information.
TW: Clark doesn't trust Zod.
JG: J'onn doesn't either but the enemy they face is great. Zod is the only person in the galaxy to...
KK: The known 23 galaxies.
JG: As if I care, Kristen... to even come close to defeating him.
TW: Clark doesn't care.
ED: If even Zod can save everyone's ass?
TW: Doesn't care. Zod is evil.
MR: It's just like Bo and Lex from season... uh... pretty much any season, actually.
JG: J'onn says they have no choice. The council struck all details related to Zod's plan of attack from the official records because they considered it too extreme.
KK: Extreme? Sounds interesting. What was his plan?
JG: Don't know. Don't care.
ED: Don't you think we'll need to cover that later?
JG: That's your problem... or whoever writes the next couple episodes.
TW: J'onn explains that in his final moments...
JG: ...before he went boom...
TW: Jor-El admitted that to J'onn that Zod's plan would likely have succeeded and Krypton may have been saved. Without Zod's help Earth, like Krypton before it, is doomed.
ED: Wait! In every other incarnation of Superman Jor-El is kissing Lara right before he goes boom.
MR: In every other incarnation of Superman Lois Lane is a classy and intelligent star reporter.
ED: Shut up.
AoT: So instead of spending his final moments with he beloved wife Jor-El spent them with his hired muscle?
JG: You've seen what a dick Jor-El was. It it any surprise?
AoT: I, uh, I guess not?
ED: Yeah, but if Martian Manhunter was on Krypton when it exploded how did he survive?
[Cast sits silently for a moment. When no one has any ideas TW continues]
TW: Anyway, Clark says after what Zod did during his short time on Earth Clark will never let him out of the crystal. Clark speeds away.
ED: We're not going to fix this?
JG: Jor-El sent him a telegram or something, are you happy?
ED: As the planet was exploding?
TW: We'll figure something out, OK?
ED: Something that makes sense?
JG: Don't count on it.
TW: Clark at the Farmhouse talking to Martha about Chloe.
JG: J'onn enters.
TW: Clark asks if J'onn didn't get the message the first time. He's not letting Zod out of the crystal.
JG: J'onn explains they don't have to.
ED: What? How's that?
KK: The Fortress can create a prophylactic energy field to prevent Zod's essence from escaping during the interrogation.
ED: Oh. Technobabble.
KK: Not just technobabble, homoerotic technobabble. Why do you think John asked me to help out?
TW: With Lana dead he could do whatever he wanted with the episode?
JG: Actually the technobabble came in handy too. J'onn says they don't have much time.
TW: Clark wants to know how they'll get Zod to co-operate.
JG: J'onn will enter into Zod's mind.
TW: "Is that safe?"
KK: Only if he uses a condom.
JG: J'onn hesitates, "There is a slight chance Zod could take control of my body."
TW: No way Clark is going to let that happen. "I've already dealt with a super powered Zod once. I'm not going to do it again."
JG: J'onn, "There's no other way."
TW: Martha butts in, "Maybe there is."
JG: LuthorCorp. Hope cocks her gun. "Mr. Best, what a pleasant surprise."
TW: Lionel makes a sudden move and... [surprised] Hope shoots him?
JG: Wait... what?
KK: Yeah, about that... I made some minor changes to a few scenes.
MR: Wow. You got clearance to kill Lionel?
JG: If you just killed off Lionel I'm going to kiss you!
KK: Sorry, the cast is dropping like flies. We can't loose anyone else.
JG: But you just shot him!
KK: We just need Lionel unconscious.
MR: You could conk him on the head. That's what they always do to Lex.
JG: Nobody conks the MB on the head!
TW: Besides, we need him unconscious for a while.
JG: Excuse me, but why?
KK: He can't tell Clark about the portal.
JG: Did it occur to you Lionel would take care of the portal on his own and leave Clark out of the loop?
KK: Yeah.
JG: And?
KK: Hope shooting him is more fun.
MR: You're right!
JG: Shut up, Rosenbaum.
AoT: And we're due a hospital scene.
JG: Why does it have to be Lionel!
KK: Everyone else needs to be healthy. Plus it's funny.
JG: [Stands] Kristen.
KK: Touch me and Allison finds out who sold raunchy pictures of her to Maxim.
JG: [glares] You honestly think I'm scared of Allison?
KK: All I know is I'm glad I didn't have to explain to my grandma why I'm half naked on the cover of FHM.
JG: [Takes a sharp breath] Granny Mack... saw those pictures?
AoT: They're hard to avoid at the grocery store.
JG: [sits] That's...
TW: John, you want to keep reading?
JG: What have I done?
ED: I bet granny Mack is so proud of her!
AoT: You're not helping, Erica.
KK: No, Erica is right. In fact [picks up Cosmo] maybe we should send Granny Mack a few of these just in case she missed one.
ED: That's what supportive friends do! Great idea, Kristen. [Opens her purse] I've got a few stamps in here...
JG: You send Allison's grandma anything and I'll break you into a thousand pieces, Durance!
ED: Aw, not even the Confessions of a Cylon Sex Goddess?
JG: Especially those.
ED: [Pouts] But...
KK: Erica, maybe John is right. We should let Allison have that honor, don't you think, John?
JG: Uh..., yes, of course!
KK: I mean how would you feel if we beat you to showing grandma your Maxim layout?
ED: Are you kidding? I'd never show that to my grandma. She'd have a coronary!
JG: I can't believe you had Hope shoot Lionel with no intention of killing him!
KK: That's the way the cookie crumbles, John.
TW: Lucius, "That man was unarmed."
JG: Remind me not to ask for you're help in the future, Kreuk. [Referring to the script] Hope gets into Lucius' face, "I don't care." She moves to pistol whip him.
TW: But Lucius calmly catches her hand. The remaining guards aim their weapons as Lucius squeezes Hope's wrist until she winces in pain and drops the gun. "You never shoot an unarmed man."
Continued...
JG: Hassad thanks Lex for his help but says he needs more power.
KK: Who doesn't?
TW: Lex, "I noticed. You tapped into the LuthorCorp grid and nearly ruined an important procedure earlier during one of your tests. This facility has enough power to run a mid-sized city – deal with it. I'm cutting you off the corporate grid. I have my own energy needs."
KK: Can we make it phallic?
MR: What? No!
TW: Lex has own.... what needs?
MR: Tom!
KK: Aching needs?
MR: No!
TW: Does that fit in with the conversation?
JG: Who cares!
ED: Lex should say that to Hasaad.
TW: What?
AoT: Something like, "Don't look to me to satisfy your aching needs."
JG: Not bad.
AoT: "Find someone else to fill it."
JG: [Writing] Good, Annette.
ED: Then cut immediately to Clark.
TW: What?!?!
JG: Not yet. First Lex says, "I have needs of my own."
MR: What?
JG: Then cut immediately to Clark!
KK: Perfect!
TW: It's not perfect!
JG: Maybe it's not perfect, but it's pretty damn good. Cut to Clark at the Fortress.
TW: But...
ED: Come on Tom. The fans expect some HoYay.
KK: You're not going to deny them HoYay, are you?
TW: [sighs] Fine. The fortress.
KK: Clark holds one of the ice dildos.
TW: No, he doesn't!
ED: It fits the HoYay.
TW: He's not holding anything. And he balks at the suggestion of accepting Zod's...
KK: ...You-know-what...
TW: Help.
KK: ...You-know-where...
TW: Shut up!
KK: Zod might be a "big" help.
TW: [Rolls eyes]
JG: J'onn explains they're just going to get information.
TW: Clark doesn't trust Zod.
JG: J'onn doesn't either but the enemy they face is great. Zod is the only person in the galaxy to...
KK: The known 23 galaxies.
JG: As if I care, Kristen... to even come close to defeating him.
TW: Clark doesn't care.
ED: If even Zod can save everyone's ass?
TW: Doesn't care. Zod is evil.
MR: It's just like Bo and Lex from season... uh... pretty much any season, actually.
JG: J'onn says they have no choice. The council struck all details related to Zod's plan of attack from the official records because they considered it too extreme.
KK: Extreme? Sounds interesting. What was his plan?
JG: Don't know. Don't care.
ED: Don't you think we'll need to cover that later?
JG: That's your problem... or whoever writes the next couple episodes.
TW: J'onn explains that in his final moments...
JG: ...before he went boom...
TW: Jor-El admitted that to J'onn that Zod's plan would likely have succeeded and Krypton may have been saved. Without Zod's help Earth, like Krypton before it, is doomed.
ED: Wait! In every other incarnation of Superman Jor-El is kissing Lara right before he goes boom.
MR: In every other incarnation of Superman Lois Lane is a classy and intelligent star reporter.
ED: Shut up.
AoT: So instead of spending his final moments with he beloved wife Jor-El spent them with his hired muscle?
JG: You've seen what a dick Jor-El was. It it any surprise?
AoT: I, uh, I guess not?
ED: Yeah, but if Martian Manhunter was on Krypton when it exploded how did he survive?
[Cast sits silently for a moment. When no one has any ideas TW continues]
TW: Anyway, Clark says after what Zod did during his short time on Earth Clark will never let him out of the crystal. Clark speeds away.
ED: We're not going to fix this?
JG: Jor-El sent him a telegram or something, are you happy?
ED: As the planet was exploding?
TW: We'll figure something out, OK?
ED: Something that makes sense?
JG: Don't count on it.
TW: Clark at the Farmhouse talking to Martha about Chloe.
JG: J'onn enters.
TW: Clark asks if J'onn didn't get the message the first time. He's not letting Zod out of the crystal.
JG: J'onn explains they don't have to.
ED: What? How's that?
KK: The Fortress can create a prophylactic energy field to prevent Zod's essence from escaping during the interrogation.
ED: Oh. Technobabble.
KK: Not just technobabble, homoerotic technobabble. Why do you think John asked me to help out?
TW: With Lana dead he could do whatever he wanted with the episode?
JG: Actually the technobabble came in handy too. J'onn says they don't have much time.
TW: Clark wants to know how they'll get Zod to co-operate.
JG: J'onn will enter into Zod's mind.
TW: "Is that safe?"
KK: Only if he uses a condom.
JG: J'onn hesitates, "There is a slight chance Zod could take control of my body."
TW: No way Clark is going to let that happen. "I've already dealt with a super powered Zod once. I'm not going to do it again."
JG: J'onn, "There's no other way."
TW: Martha butts in, "Maybe there is."
JG: LuthorCorp. Hope cocks her gun. "Mr. Best, what a pleasant surprise."
TW: Lionel makes a sudden move and... [surprised] Hope shoots him?
JG: Wait... what?
KK: Yeah, about that... I made some minor changes to a few scenes.
MR: Wow. You got clearance to kill Lionel?
JG: If you just killed off Lionel I'm going to kiss you!
KK: Sorry, the cast is dropping like flies. We can't loose anyone else.
JG: But you just shot him!
KK: We just need Lionel unconscious.
MR: You could conk him on the head. That's what they always do to Lex.
JG: Nobody conks the MB on the head!
TW: Besides, we need him unconscious for a while.
JG: Excuse me, but why?
KK: He can't tell Clark about the portal.
JG: Did it occur to you Lionel would take care of the portal on his own and leave Clark out of the loop?
KK: Yeah.
JG: And?
KK: Hope shooting him is more fun.
MR: You're right!
JG: Shut up, Rosenbaum.
AoT: And we're due a hospital scene.
JG: Why does it have to be Lionel!
KK: Everyone else needs to be healthy. Plus it's funny.
JG: [Stands] Kristen.
KK: Touch me and Allison finds out who sold raunchy pictures of her to Maxim.
JG: [glares] You honestly think I'm scared of Allison?
KK: All I know is I'm glad I didn't have to explain to my grandma why I'm half naked on the cover of FHM.
JG: [Takes a sharp breath] Granny Mack... saw those pictures?
AoT: They're hard to avoid at the grocery store.
JG: [sits] That's...
TW: John, you want to keep reading?
JG: What have I done?
ED: I bet granny Mack is so proud of her!
AoT: You're not helping, Erica.
KK: No, Erica is right. In fact [picks up Cosmo] maybe we should send Granny Mack a few of these just in case she missed one.
ED: That's what supportive friends do! Great idea, Kristen. [Opens her purse] I've got a few stamps in here...
JG: You send Allison's grandma anything and I'll break you into a thousand pieces, Durance!
ED: Aw, not even the Confessions of a Cylon Sex Goddess?
JG: Especially those.
ED: [Pouts] But...
KK: Erica, maybe John is right. We should let Allison have that honor, don't you think, John?
JG: Uh..., yes, of course!
KK: I mean how would you feel if we beat you to showing grandma your Maxim layout?
ED: Are you kidding? I'd never show that to my grandma. She'd have a coronary!
JG: I can't believe you had Hope shoot Lionel with no intention of killing him!
KK: That's the way the cookie crumbles, John.
TW: Lucius, "That man was unarmed."
JG: Remind me not to ask for you're help in the future, Kreuk. [Referring to the script] Hope gets into Lucius' face, "I don't care." She moves to pistol whip him.
TW: But Lucius calmly catches her hand. The remaining guards aim their weapons as Lucius squeezes Hope's wrist until she winces in pain and drops the gun. "You never shoot an unarmed man."
Continued...
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part III)
JG: Two guards enter Lionel's cell.
MR: Do they have names?
TW: No.
MR: How about manly names. Tony and Guido.
JG: How about Curly and Moe?
MR: No!
JG: No? You realize my minion is named Otis?
TW: How about Smith and Johnson?
MR: That works.
TW: Is that OK with you, John?
JG: Yeah, I guess.
KK: You're going to let Michael have manly minion names and you get Otis?
JG: Only because Lionel gets to kick their ass.
MR: What?!!?
JG: Come on. It's Luthor security. What do you expect?
MR: [sigh] For someone to kick their ass.
JG: Exactly!
MR: Can we at least do it off-screen so Lex fans can at least fanwank it was a close match?
JG: No. Lionel is going going to kick their ass on screen with aplomb.
MR: Great.
JG: Cheer up. At least Lionel doesn't kick Lex's ass.
MR: Remind me to send you a gift basket.
JG: Don't be cheap! I want the good stuff. Lionel is "sleeping" on the bunk.
ED: No one's seen that trick before.
KK: At least it's not the "I need help!" trick.
MR: Almost as bad, though.
JG: But since Lionel isn't one to need help not nearly as believable.
TW: Smith and Johnson turn him onto his back.
JG: He morphs into Lucius!
AoT: Lucius can morph? But Allison said...
KK: He was deformed so Martha wouldn't kiss him?
AoT: Yeah!
TW: Yeah, but that's the way a lot of morphing characters are.
AoT: Not the terminator!
KK: He's a robot. You don't want Martha to make out with a robot do you?
AoT: I don't know. Is it properly equipped?
TW: [Head in hands] Oh. My. God! Stop, please.
MR: Does it explode when it's naked?
ED: Maybe if it's having sex and...
TW: Oh. My. God! Did you not hear me!?! Please stop!
AoT: We heard you dear. We just ignored you.
KK: Since Lucius isn't a robot...
MR: We could make him a robot!
TW: No!
MR: An exploding one!
TW: No!
KK: Which leaves us with the fact most organic morphers are deformed.
AoT: Tina Greer wasn't deformed.
KK: She was deranged!
MR: Yeah, she tried to kill Lana though.
KK: Well, she wasn't all bad.
ED: The terminator rip of we had my second episode wasn't deformed.
TW: Stop Erica, you're not helping!
AoT: Can we make it so Lucius isn't deformed anymore?
JG: But he's good. Martha is turned off by good, right?
AoT: Oh, yeah. Shoot. Keep him deformed then.
TW: [breaths a sigh of relief]
JG: Lionel drops down from the ceiling and busts Smith over the head with a lead pipe.
MR: Come on, you guys!
TW: Lucius, "Let's get you out of here."
JG: Lionel, "Not yet." he tells Johnson to take them to the computer room.
MR: They're going to bust into Lex's files too!?!?
JG: Hey, watch it. We'll have them conk Lex over the head if you don't quit.
MR: Whatever.
JG: [To TW] Lex hasn't been conked on the head in a while. He's about due don't you think?
MR: Alright, I'm shutting up!
JG: I think we should do it anyway.
MR: I said I'm shutting up!
JG: Better.
TW: Cut to Clark and J'onn at the Fortress.
JG: J'onn tells Clark some Kryptonian history and Clark quickly complains.
TW: Complains?
ED: I want to hear the Kryptonian history.
JG: It doesn't' matter. Some gobbledygook about an ancient war with a relentless enemy.
ED: And?
JG: And what?
ED: What happened?
JG: Krypton blew up. You're on a Superman show and you didn't know that?
ED: Of course I do, I just want to know how!
TW: We don't get into that.
ED: Why?
KK: The Kryptonians were far superior technologically and had defeated the enemy in the past, however when they returned they returned with a vengeance with numbers the Kryptonians could never hope to match. There was an attempt to...
JG: Did you add all that to our script?
KK: Yeah, you were seriously lacking in back story. The council attempted to make peace but...
TW: Because we don't have time for twenty minutes of sci-fi geek exposition we're going to move on!
KK: It's not sci-fi geek exposition!
JG: Sounded like it to me.
KK: It's not!
TW: Whatever it is, Clark's had enough of listening. He's pissed, "You lead me to believe Earth is in danger and all you want to do is give me a refresher course in ancient Kryptonian history? I have better things to do than wallow in the past." He turns to leave.
JG: J'onn, "Wait. The lesson is necessary to understand why in order to save Earth we will need the help of..." He pauses, "Zod."
MR: Sweet! Do I get to be Zod again?
JG: No.
MR: Does Lex get to kick Zod's ass?
JG: No.
MR: Zod doesn't kick Lex's ass, does he?
JG: Sadly, no.
MR: Whew. Proceed.
JG: Cut to LuthorCorp. Lucius opens the door to a high security room.
TW: Lionel sits and starts going through computer files as Lucius braces the door. "Looks like no one has found us yet." Lucius takes another terminal and starts checking into data on the cure and Chloe.
JG: He flips through the screens pretty quickly as if he knows exactly what he's looking for.
MR: [Holding up Maxim] Like half naked pictures of Chloe.
[Cast look at MR]
MR: What?
[Cast continues to look at MR]
MR: Or maybe he can just read really fast.
JG: Lionel on the other hand is looking for stuff on Hasaad.
TW: Lucius finishes first, "What are you looking for?"
JG: Lionel, "Lex is up to something big. You didn't give me enough time to figure out what." Lionel stumbles on records relating to what Lex had sent to Hasaad’s new facility. Quick focus on the symbol Lionel was scrawling in the notebooks Lex found a few episodes ago. Lionel’s eyes go white and he suddenly looks scared.
TW: Lucius takes a moment to look at the screen. There's banging on the security door and yelling from outside. "You mean give you enough time for Lex's goons to mop you up?" He grabs Lionel's wrist. "Stop wasting time, if we don't get out of here now we're going to have a big problem, Mr. Luthor."
JG: Lionel pulls away and continues typing. "Getting out of here is the least of our problems, Mr. Best."
TW: Show the door dent as the Lex's security rams it from outside. Lucius takes Lionel's arm again. "Let's go."
JG: Lionel pulls away, "I just need to download..."
TW: Lucius pushes the computer off the desk on onto the floor, "I said let's go!"
JG: Lionel looks at him with a mixture of surprise and disgust. The door flies open and in walks Hope and two security guards, guns pointed.
Continued...
MR: Do they have names?
TW: No.
MR: How about manly names. Tony and Guido.
JG: How about Curly and Moe?
MR: No!
JG: No? You realize my minion is named Otis?
TW: How about Smith and Johnson?
MR: That works.
TW: Is that OK with you, John?
JG: Yeah, I guess.
KK: You're going to let Michael have manly minion names and you get Otis?
JG: Only because Lionel gets to kick their ass.
MR: What?!!?
JG: Come on. It's Luthor security. What do you expect?
MR: [sigh] For someone to kick their ass.
JG: Exactly!
MR: Can we at least do it off-screen so Lex fans can at least fanwank it was a close match?
JG: No. Lionel is going going to kick their ass on screen with aplomb.
MR: Great.
JG: Cheer up. At least Lionel doesn't kick Lex's ass.
MR: Remind me to send you a gift basket.
JG: Don't be cheap! I want the good stuff. Lionel is "sleeping" on the bunk.
ED: No one's seen that trick before.
KK: At least it's not the "I need help!" trick.
MR: Almost as bad, though.
JG: But since Lionel isn't one to need help not nearly as believable.
TW: Smith and Johnson turn him onto his back.
JG: He morphs into Lucius!
AoT: Lucius can morph? But Allison said...
KK: He was deformed so Martha wouldn't kiss him?
AoT: Yeah!
TW: Yeah, but that's the way a lot of morphing characters are.
AoT: Not the terminator!
KK: He's a robot. You don't want Martha to make out with a robot do you?
AoT: I don't know. Is it properly equipped?
TW: [Head in hands] Oh. My. God! Stop, please.
MR: Does it explode when it's naked?
ED: Maybe if it's having sex and...
TW: Oh. My. God! Did you not hear me!?! Please stop!
AoT: We heard you dear. We just ignored you.
KK: Since Lucius isn't a robot...
MR: We could make him a robot!
TW: No!
MR: An exploding one!
TW: No!
KK: Which leaves us with the fact most organic morphers are deformed.
AoT: Tina Greer wasn't deformed.
KK: She was deranged!
MR: Yeah, she tried to kill Lana though.
KK: Well, she wasn't all bad.
ED: The terminator rip of we had my second episode wasn't deformed.
TW: Stop Erica, you're not helping!
AoT: Can we make it so Lucius isn't deformed anymore?
JG: But he's good. Martha is turned off by good, right?
AoT: Oh, yeah. Shoot. Keep him deformed then.
TW: [breaths a sigh of relief]
JG: Lionel drops down from the ceiling and busts Smith over the head with a lead pipe.
MR: Come on, you guys!
TW: Lucius, "Let's get you out of here."
JG: Lionel, "Not yet." he tells Johnson to take them to the computer room.
MR: They're going to bust into Lex's files too!?!?
JG: Hey, watch it. We'll have them conk Lex over the head if you don't quit.
MR: Whatever.
JG: [To TW] Lex hasn't been conked on the head in a while. He's about due don't you think?
MR: Alright, I'm shutting up!
JG: I think we should do it anyway.
MR: I said I'm shutting up!
JG: Better.
TW: Cut to Clark and J'onn at the Fortress.
JG: J'onn tells Clark some Kryptonian history and Clark quickly complains.
TW: Complains?
ED: I want to hear the Kryptonian history.
JG: It doesn't' matter. Some gobbledygook about an ancient war with a relentless enemy.
ED: And?
JG: And what?
ED: What happened?
JG: Krypton blew up. You're on a Superman show and you didn't know that?
ED: Of course I do, I just want to know how!
TW: We don't get into that.
ED: Why?
KK: The Kryptonians were far superior technologically and had defeated the enemy in the past, however when they returned they returned with a vengeance with numbers the Kryptonians could never hope to match. There was an attempt to...
JG: Did you add all that to our script?
KK: Yeah, you were seriously lacking in back story. The council attempted to make peace but...
TW: Because we don't have time for twenty minutes of sci-fi geek exposition we're going to move on!
KK: It's not sci-fi geek exposition!
JG: Sounded like it to me.
KK: It's not!
TW: Whatever it is, Clark's had enough of listening. He's pissed, "You lead me to believe Earth is in danger and all you want to do is give me a refresher course in ancient Kryptonian history? I have better things to do than wallow in the past." He turns to leave.
JG: J'onn, "Wait. The lesson is necessary to understand why in order to save Earth we will need the help of..." He pauses, "Zod."
MR: Sweet! Do I get to be Zod again?
JG: No.
MR: Does Lex get to kick Zod's ass?
JG: No.
MR: Zod doesn't kick Lex's ass, does he?
JG: Sadly, no.
MR: Whew. Proceed.
JG: Cut to LuthorCorp. Lucius opens the door to a high security room.
TW: Lionel sits and starts going through computer files as Lucius braces the door. "Looks like no one has found us yet." Lucius takes another terminal and starts checking into data on the cure and Chloe.
JG: He flips through the screens pretty quickly as if he knows exactly what he's looking for.
MR: [Holding up Maxim] Like half naked pictures of Chloe.
[Cast look at MR]
MR: What?
[Cast continues to look at MR]
MR: Or maybe he can just read really fast.
JG: Lionel on the other hand is looking for stuff on Hasaad.
TW: Lucius finishes first, "What are you looking for?"
JG: Lionel, "Lex is up to something big. You didn't give me enough time to figure out what." Lionel stumbles on records relating to what Lex had sent to Hasaad’s new facility. Quick focus on the symbol Lionel was scrawling in the notebooks Lex found a few episodes ago. Lionel’s eyes go white and he suddenly looks scared.
TW: Lucius takes a moment to look at the screen. There's banging on the security door and yelling from outside. "You mean give you enough time for Lex's goons to mop you up?" He grabs Lionel's wrist. "Stop wasting time, if we don't get out of here now we're going to have a big problem, Mr. Luthor."
JG: Lionel pulls away and continues typing. "Getting out of here is the least of our problems, Mr. Best."
TW: Show the door dent as the Lex's security rams it from outside. Lucius takes Lionel's arm again. "Let's go."
JG: Lionel pulls away, "I just need to download..."
TW: Lucius pushes the computer off the desk on onto the floor, "I said let's go!"
JG: Lionel looks at him with a mixture of surprise and disgust. The door flies open and in walks Hope and two security guards, guns pointed.
Continued...
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part II)
BS: [pounding on the door] I'm not through with you, Welling!
TW: Do it.
[MR presses a remote. There's a splashing sound outside]
BS: Dammit!
AoT: What did you do?
MR: Remote pail of water.
BS: You know this suit is dry clean only! It's going to shrink! [BS's foot falls can be heard as he stomps off] I've got to save the suit!
TW: That should hold him off for a while.
BS: Save the suit, save the world!
TW: [To JG] How far did you get?
KK: We just started.
TW: What the hell have you been... [notices the magazines] John!
KK: Tom, you're a man of infinite patience.
MR: Yeah, thanks for distracting Bryan for us.
TW: Somebody's got to do it. And with Allison out of the picture...
AoT: I just hope he doesn't fire you too.
TW: [frowns] Yeah...
ED: What aren't you telling us, Tom?
TW: Nothing to worry about right now. Let's just get through this before he gets back.
KK: Um, sure. [Points in script] Jor-El was just suggesting J'onn destroy the portal.
JG: J'onn points out "they" would hunt him down and kill him leaving Kal-El with no one to guide him.
ED: What about the Jor-El AI?
JG: Like I said, J'onn points out they would hunt him down and kill him leaving Kal-El with no one to guide him.
TW: He mentions Jor-El once told him there was a way to defeat their enemy.
JG: Jor-El, "The solutions you propose presents great danger."
TW: J'onn is pissed. "You would let this world suffer the same fate as Krypton?!?!"
JG: Jor-El relents, "Do what you feel must be done, old friend."
MR: This sounds like Reckoning all over again. You're not bring Lana back are you?
KK: Yeah, right.
AoT: But this episode is called Return...
MR: And since Allison is under contract somewhere else.
JG: Why would I bring back Lana when I'm finally getting the screen time I've always deserved?
KK: Not to mention values his life?
JG: Ahem. That too.
TW: Cut to the mutant recruitment center.
JG: Dozens of freaks are signing papers and getting prints done.
TW: Martha enters at the same time as a nervous looking young man.
JG: He introduces himself as Zack O'Donnell and asks Martha if she is there to register too.
TW: She says no, introduces herself as a senator and explains she's there to meet Lucius. A man greets them and introduces himself and Titian Vinebracer.
TW: He says Lucius has been waiting for Martha...
JG: ...to chew her out.
AoT: John!
TW: ..and points towards an office.
JG: I'm sorry, I can't let Lucius get between Lionel and Martha. Martha walks off as Titian asks Zack for his paperwork.
ED: Are you going turn Lucius evil?
JG: Now why would I turn him evil? Martha is attracted to evil!
TW: She is not.
AoT: Actually I think she is.
TW: She is not!
JG: Lucius is disgusted that Martha has asked "his people" to do this. He compares it to being treated like cattle.
KK: Like the cattle on the Kent farm?
TW: Don't go there Kristen...
KK: Fucked over?
TW: I said...
ED: So you're turning him into a martyr so Lionel can keep Martha to himself.
JG: Damn straight!
MR: Maybe Lucius should be evil.
TW: What?
MR: You know, we could have a love tri... [makes a face] uh, never mind.
ED: That's a great idea!
AoT: Works for me. Martha hasn't had two men fight over her since John died.
TW: I hate it! Martha's phone rings and she excuses herself.
JG: Titian enters as Martha exits and explains he has a lead on the "matter" Senator Kent asked them to look into.
TW: He hands Lucius a piece of paper.
JG: Lucius glances at it and thanks Titian before putting it in his pocket.
TW: Martha returns. She's obviously upset.
JG: Lucius asks what is wrong.
TW: "It's Chloe... the procedure..." she chokes up. Martha gestures to the freaks registering and explains that if having the mutant community show good faith is the only way to get the rest of the world to accept them and keep them from feeling like they have to take a chance with Luthor's "cure" then so be it.
JG: Lucius seems to understand. He tells her Titian has finally made progress on the other "matter".
TW: Martha seems somewhat comforted by this and thanks Lucius.
JG: Cut to Clark in the barn.
TW: He looks at a picture of him and Chloe at the dance.
ED: Aw. I wish Allison were here to hear that.
KK: But she's not because Chloe is dead.
ED: Way to bring down the mood, Kristen.
JG: J'onn appears, "I have grave news, Kal-El."
TW: "Whatever you're here for it can wait. There are things I need to do."
KK: Like "milk" the cows.
TW: Shut up.
JG: "This cannot wait, Kal-El. The fate of this world hangs in the balance."
KK: The fate of the world is always hanging in the balance on this show. It's a wonder Clark ever gets a chance to "milk" the cows.
TW: Shut up, Kristen.
KK: I bet they miss Papa Kent.
TW: Shut up, Kristen!
KK: Just trying to have some fun. Geez.
TW: Can we get through the rest of the barn scene without another bestiality joke?
KK: Maybe. We'll see.
TW: They stare at each other for a moment to let the gravity of the situation sink in.
KK: Speaking of sinking in...
TW: Kristen!
KK: What?
TW: Enough with the jokes!
KK: [takes a danish off the refreshment tray] What jokes? Was just looking forward to sinking my teeth into this. [Takes a bite]
MR: I think he meant you were going to make a joke about Clark sinking his...
TW: Michael!
KK: You have such a dirty mind, Michael.
TW: [sighs]
JG: Lois walks in yammering to Clark about her "plan" to get back at Lex. When we cut back to Clark J'onn is gone.
ED: Yammering? Since when does Lois yammer?
[Cast stare]
ED: I didn't think so. She's carefully explaining her well thought out plan.
TW: Actually we can't tell if it's well thought out or not because Clark cuts her off and tells her he has to leave before she can finish.
JG: Lois, "So that's it? You're just going to walk away when things get tough?"
ED: He is kind of a coward that way.
TW: It's irony. He's going to deal with something big and Lois doesn't even know it. So Clark asks her if her lecture is over.
ED: He's kind of an ass that way.
TW: Clark is an ass?
ED: Yep. Pretty much.
TW: He's not an ass, he's going to go save the world!
ED: Just because you save the world doesn't mean you're not an ass.
JG: Lois, "I thought you were stronger than that, Clark. I need you to be stronger than that because I don't know if I am."
TW: Clark, "Look, I've got to go." He turns away.
JG: Lois tries to hold back tears, "Well, that's just great. From the first day you two met Chloe looked at you like you were some kind of... I don't know, super hero." She chuckles bitterly, "I'd even started to think maybe she was right. Is all that strength and nobility she saw in you just going to die along with her? You're not the man I thought you were after all, are you, Clark?"
TW: Clark... [looking at the script] um... what's this?
JG: Read it. Clark's under a lot of stress.
TW: I...
MR: [Reading ahead] Heh! Looks like Clark looses it, and yells at Lois to get the hell out of his house.
ED: See? He's an ass.
TW: [Sighs] John, I asked you to clean it up, not butcher it.
KK: That was my change.
TW: Yours?
JG: I was talking with publishers. I asked Kristen for some help.
TW: Great.
Continued...
TW: Do it.
[MR presses a remote. There's a splashing sound outside]
BS: Dammit!
AoT: What did you do?
MR: Remote pail of water.
BS: You know this suit is dry clean only! It's going to shrink! [BS's foot falls can be heard as he stomps off] I've got to save the suit!
TW: That should hold him off for a while.
BS: Save the suit, save the world!
TW: [To JG] How far did you get?
KK: We just started.
TW: What the hell have you been... [notices the magazines] John!
KK: Tom, you're a man of infinite patience.
MR: Yeah, thanks for distracting Bryan for us.
TW: Somebody's got to do it. And with Allison out of the picture...
AoT: I just hope he doesn't fire you too.
TW: [frowns] Yeah...
ED: What aren't you telling us, Tom?
TW: Nothing to worry about right now. Let's just get through this before he gets back.
KK: Um, sure. [Points in script] Jor-El was just suggesting J'onn destroy the portal.
JG: J'onn points out "they" would hunt him down and kill him leaving Kal-El with no one to guide him.
ED: What about the Jor-El AI?
JG: Like I said, J'onn points out they would hunt him down and kill him leaving Kal-El with no one to guide him.
TW: He mentions Jor-El once told him there was a way to defeat their enemy.
JG: Jor-El, "The solutions you propose presents great danger."
TW: J'onn is pissed. "You would let this world suffer the same fate as Krypton?!?!"
JG: Jor-El relents, "Do what you feel must be done, old friend."
MR: This sounds like Reckoning all over again. You're not bring Lana back are you?
KK: Yeah, right.
AoT: But this episode is called Return...
MR: And since Allison is under contract somewhere else.
JG: Why would I bring back Lana when I'm finally getting the screen time I've always deserved?
KK: Not to mention values his life?
JG: Ahem. That too.
TW: Cut to the mutant recruitment center.
JG: Dozens of freaks are signing papers and getting prints done.
TW: Martha enters at the same time as a nervous looking young man.
JG: He introduces himself as Zack O'Donnell and asks Martha if she is there to register too.
TW: She says no, introduces herself as a senator and explains she's there to meet Lucius. A man greets them and introduces himself and Titian Vinebracer.
TW: He says Lucius has been waiting for Martha...
JG: ...to chew her out.
AoT: John!
TW: ..and points towards an office.
JG: I'm sorry, I can't let Lucius get between Lionel and Martha. Martha walks off as Titian asks Zack for his paperwork.
ED: Are you going turn Lucius evil?
JG: Now why would I turn him evil? Martha is attracted to evil!
TW: She is not.
AoT: Actually I think she is.
TW: She is not!
JG: Lucius is disgusted that Martha has asked "his people" to do this. He compares it to being treated like cattle.
KK: Like the cattle on the Kent farm?
TW: Don't go there Kristen...
KK: Fucked over?
TW: I said...
ED: So you're turning him into a martyr so Lionel can keep Martha to himself.
JG: Damn straight!
MR: Maybe Lucius should be evil.
TW: What?
MR: You know, we could have a love tri... [makes a face] uh, never mind.
ED: That's a great idea!
AoT: Works for me. Martha hasn't had two men fight over her since John died.
TW: I hate it! Martha's phone rings and she excuses herself.
JG: Titian enters as Martha exits and explains he has a lead on the "matter" Senator Kent asked them to look into.
TW: He hands Lucius a piece of paper.
JG: Lucius glances at it and thanks Titian before putting it in his pocket.
TW: Martha returns. She's obviously upset.
JG: Lucius asks what is wrong.
TW: "It's Chloe... the procedure..." she chokes up. Martha gestures to the freaks registering and explains that if having the mutant community show good faith is the only way to get the rest of the world to accept them and keep them from feeling like they have to take a chance with Luthor's "cure" then so be it.
JG: Lucius seems to understand. He tells her Titian has finally made progress on the other "matter".
TW: Martha seems somewhat comforted by this and thanks Lucius.
JG: Cut to Clark in the barn.
TW: He looks at a picture of him and Chloe at the dance.
ED: Aw. I wish Allison were here to hear that.
KK: But she's not because Chloe is dead.
ED: Way to bring down the mood, Kristen.
JG: J'onn appears, "I have grave news, Kal-El."
TW: "Whatever you're here for it can wait. There are things I need to do."
KK: Like "milk" the cows.
TW: Shut up.
JG: "This cannot wait, Kal-El. The fate of this world hangs in the balance."
KK: The fate of the world is always hanging in the balance on this show. It's a wonder Clark ever gets a chance to "milk" the cows.
TW: Shut up, Kristen.
KK: I bet they miss Papa Kent.
TW: Shut up, Kristen!
KK: Just trying to have some fun. Geez.
TW: Can we get through the rest of the barn scene without another bestiality joke?
KK: Maybe. We'll see.
TW: They stare at each other for a moment to let the gravity of the situation sink in.
KK: Speaking of sinking in...
TW: Kristen!
KK: What?
TW: Enough with the jokes!
KK: [takes a danish off the refreshment tray] What jokes? Was just looking forward to sinking my teeth into this. [Takes a bite]
MR: I think he meant you were going to make a joke about Clark sinking his...
TW: Michael!
KK: You have such a dirty mind, Michael.
TW: [sighs]
JG: Lois walks in yammering to Clark about her "plan" to get back at Lex. When we cut back to Clark J'onn is gone.
ED: Yammering? Since when does Lois yammer?
[Cast stare]
ED: I didn't think so. She's carefully explaining her well thought out plan.
TW: Actually we can't tell if it's well thought out or not because Clark cuts her off and tells her he has to leave before she can finish.
JG: Lois, "So that's it? You're just going to walk away when things get tough?"
ED: He is kind of a coward that way.
TW: It's irony. He's going to deal with something big and Lois doesn't even know it. So Clark asks her if her lecture is over.
ED: He's kind of an ass that way.
TW: Clark is an ass?
ED: Yep. Pretty much.
TW: He's not an ass, he's going to go save the world!
ED: Just because you save the world doesn't mean you're not an ass.
JG: Lois, "I thought you were stronger than that, Clark. I need you to be stronger than that because I don't know if I am."
TW: Clark, "Look, I've got to go." He turns away.
JG: Lois tries to hold back tears, "Well, that's just great. From the first day you two met Chloe looked at you like you were some kind of... I don't know, super hero." She chuckles bitterly, "I'd even started to think maybe she was right. Is all that strength and nobility she saw in you just going to die along with her? You're not the man I thought you were after all, are you, Clark?"
TW: Clark... [looking at the script] um... what's this?
JG: Read it. Clark's under a lot of stress.
TW: I...
MR: [Reading ahead] Heh! Looks like Clark looses it, and yells at Lois to get the hell out of his house.
ED: See? He's an ass.
TW: [Sighs] John, I asked you to clean it up, not butcher it.
KK: That was my change.
TW: Yours?
JG: I was talking with publishers. I asked Kristen for some help.
TW: Great.
Continued...
7.12 Return by TW and JG (Part I)
as retold by jwm
A grave new threat requires Clark to recruit a former enemy as an ally.
[Writer's room. JG and KK enter.]
JG: [Dumping a stack of magazines on the table] The fruits of my labor!
ED: [Drops a half eaten cannoli and picks up Maxim. AM is on the cover] I am so fracking jealous!
KK: [handing out scripts] And the fruits of mine.
AoT: Wasn't Tom writing this episode?
JG: Too busy running interference with Bryan. [To KK] Thanks for making those final edits for me.
ED: You and John wrote the episode?
KK: The least I could do while Tom insulates us from Bryan.
MR: Heh. I bet Allison is glad she's not around for this.
JG: Tom provided episode notes.
KK: [Winks] We improved on them.
MR: I can't believe we're not off the hook thanks to the writer's strike. Can't we just scrap this nightmare and start over next year?
ED: Or join the guild?
JG: Nope. They saw us as scabs from the beginning, no point trying to show solidarity with those guys now.
KK: The teaser directly follows Cure.
AoT: Tom's not even going to read his own episode?
JG: He's with Bryan. He'll try to make it but said we should start without him.
MR: Poor bastard.
KK: There's a brief "Previously on Smallville" montage.
ED: Yeah, previously Lois was hot. Now she's pregnant.
JG: Good news! Thanks to the strike they can't touch our scripts. So Lois isn't pregnant yet.
ED: So Tom came through for us!
JG: For now. As long as the strike continues we'll just ignore Bryan's directives. There's nothing he can do about it.
AoT: Except beat the crap out of us.
ED: So I don't have to be pregnant! [throws the cannoli in the trash and stands up] I'm going to go work out.
KK: No. You're going to suffer through this just like the rest of us.
ED: [Sits] Fine. [Picks up a copy of Cosmopolitan] "Confessions of a Cylon Sex Goddess"? You've got to be kidding me.
JG: Actually I gave that interview.
ED: You posed as Allison?
JG: Her publicist.
ED: Hmm... [Opens the magazine] ... any truth to these confessions?
JG: Wouldn't you like to know.
AoT: You are one magnificent bastard.
JG: I know.
KK: I can't believe I'm saying this, but can we get started?
ED: I want to read this!
KK: It can wait, Erica.
MR: Playing the part of the up-tight lead this week will be Kristen Kruek.
KK: Shut up, Michael. Clark screams “You killed her.”
ED: Wow. Who knew Allison was so hot? [Showing AoT a photo layout] Can you believe this?
KK: [To JG] I told you they would be a distraction! [To ED] You can ogle Allison's hot bod later, Erica.
ED: [Sighs and opens her script] Whatever.
KK: How does Tom put up with us?
JG: Valium? Clark chokes Lex. Lois has to beg him to stop.
ED: Why is Clark choking Lex?
AoT: Because he thinks Lex killed Chloe?
ED: Oh yeah. Never mind, carry on. [ED surreptitiously slides a copy of FHM towards her.] They airbrushed out Allison's birthmark!.
KK: [rolls eyes] Lois, "Let's get her out of here."
JG: Lex offers to pay for arrangements but Clark goes Bo Kent on him.
KK: "Luthor money isn't going to pay for Chloe's funeral."
JG: Richards goes bad cop, "We can't allow the subject's body out of this facility."
KK: Lois, "Excuse me!?!?"
JG: Lex is good cop, "It's OK. Dr. Richards."
KK: "May I inform you, Ms. Sullivan signed a wavier..."
JG: Lex, "I don't care about the waiver, Doctor, blah blah blah."
ED: Blah, blah, blah?
JG: The idea is Doctor Richards wants Chloe's body on ice ASAP. Otherwise they'll not be able to determine what killed her. If they know what went wrong with Chloe they can prevent the same thing from happening again in the future.
KK: Lois butts in.
MR: Surprise, surprise.
JG: She says she knows all about the process “As far as I'm concerned it should never be performed again. Haven't enough people died, Lex?"
KK: The lights dim. Clark, "What the hell is going on?!?"
JG: Richards expositions they're experiencing another brown out. He's going to switch over to auxiliary power. All but the emergency lights go out. We hear some heavy machinery switching and then whirring as the power comes back on.
KK: Lois, "A brownout? LuthorCorp has enough power to run it's own city. What the hell are you up to, Lex?"
JG: “I've read all about your wild theories in the newspaper, Lois, but despite what you think I really am trying to help. People want to be cured. Your cousin wanted to be cured."
KK: Clark answers "Maybe she did, but the price was too high."
JG: Lex gets ironic, "Easy enough for you to say. Would you feel the same way if you faced a life of having to hide who you are, always afraid someone might learn you're different. Until then maybe you'll never understand why some would give anything for a chance to be normal."
KK: Clark looks like he's thinking.
MR: Hee. Is he?
JG: As much as Clark can. But before his head heats up and explodes Dr. Richards goes off the deep end. "Are you really going to stand in the way of giving other people a chance at a normal life!?!?" He pleads with Lex "At the very least we need to run some blood tests and take a few tissue samples."
KK: Lex looks to Lois and Clark for an answer.
JG: Lois, "You're not touching another hair on her..."
MR: Chinny chin chin.
JG: "...head."
KK: Clark is conflicted. He wants to believe Lex.
JG: He thinks about how much he's wanted to be normal.
KK: The thinks of all the times he's wanted to be deviant with Lex.
MR: Heh. Too bad Tom hasn't shown up.
KK: Lois pulls the family trump card.
MR: Shouldn't Chloe's dad do that?
ED: Chloe's who? I thought she was an orphan?
KK: Lois, "You're not getting as much as a eyelash from Chloe."
JG: The Doctor protests. "LuthorCorp has legal custody of the body..."
KK: Lex interjects, "We've made Miss Lane well aware of the potential benefit to others, Doctor. That's not the choice she's decided to make. We're going to follow the wishes of Miss Sullivan's family. End of discussion."
JG: Richards is pissed.
KK: But so is everyone else.
JG: A tear falls down Lois' face. She grabs onto Clark for a hug.
KK: Clark hugs her back with his really determined look on his face, "Don't worry, Lois, we'll take care of this.”
MR: You two really wrote that?
KK: [Insulted] Are you kidding?
JG: A few things from Tom's original draft survived.
KK: But since none of us knew what anyone should say after that we decided to go to credits.
JG: And come back to the Fortress. The Martian slides a crystal into the console.
MR: Heh.
JG: That wasn't intended to be HoYay, Rosenbaum.
MR: Sorry.
KK: Jor-El's disembodied yet still impressive voice, "You seem troubled, old friend."
JG: "He's coming, Jor-El, for Earth... We both know Kal-El cannot defeat him alone."
[TW bursts in and tries to slam the door behind him. BS gets one foot in first.]
BS: Tom! You have to try on the suit! I had it repaired and dry cleaned!
TW: Michael, a little help?
[MR helps TW hold the door]
TW: No, Bryan! Let me go over my episode with the the cast!
BS: But you never told me how you got Lois pregnant!
[MR holds the door while TW pulls a squirt gun from his jacket]
BS: Erica, you look glowing!
ED: [Smiles] Why thank you!
BS: How far along are you now?
ED: Screw you, Bryan!
[TW aims the squirt gun at BS]
TW: Leave us the hell alone!
BS: [Backing off] Not the squirt gun!
TW: I'm not afraid to use it!
BS: [Stepping back a bit more] I won't stand for this insurgency, Tom!
[MR slams the door and locks it.]
Continued...
A grave new threat requires Clark to recruit a former enemy as an ally.
[Writer's room. JG and KK enter.]
JG: [Dumping a stack of magazines on the table] The fruits of my labor!
ED: [Drops a half eaten cannoli and picks up Maxim. AM is on the cover] I am so fracking jealous!
KK: [handing out scripts] And the fruits of mine.
AoT: Wasn't Tom writing this episode?
JG: Too busy running interference with Bryan. [To KK] Thanks for making those final edits for me.
ED: You and John wrote the episode?
KK: The least I could do while Tom insulates us from Bryan.
MR: Heh. I bet Allison is glad she's not around for this.
JG: Tom provided episode notes.
KK: [Winks] We improved on them.
MR: I can't believe we're not off the hook thanks to the writer's strike. Can't we just scrap this nightmare and start over next year?
ED: Or join the guild?
JG: Nope. They saw us as scabs from the beginning, no point trying to show solidarity with those guys now.
KK: The teaser directly follows Cure.
AoT: Tom's not even going to read his own episode?
JG: He's with Bryan. He'll try to make it but said we should start without him.
MR: Poor bastard.
KK: There's a brief "Previously on Smallville" montage.
ED: Yeah, previously Lois was hot. Now she's pregnant.
JG: Good news! Thanks to the strike they can't touch our scripts. So Lois isn't pregnant yet.
ED: So Tom came through for us!
JG: For now. As long as the strike continues we'll just ignore Bryan's directives. There's nothing he can do about it.
AoT: Except beat the crap out of us.
ED: So I don't have to be pregnant! [throws the cannoli in the trash and stands up] I'm going to go work out.
KK: No. You're going to suffer through this just like the rest of us.
ED: [Sits] Fine. [Picks up a copy of Cosmopolitan] "Confessions of a Cylon Sex Goddess"? You've got to be kidding me.
JG: Actually I gave that interview.
ED: You posed as Allison?
JG: Her publicist.
ED: Hmm... [Opens the magazine] ... any truth to these confessions?
JG: Wouldn't you like to know.
AoT: You are one magnificent bastard.
JG: I know.
KK: I can't believe I'm saying this, but can we get started?
ED: I want to read this!
KK: It can wait, Erica.
MR: Playing the part of the up-tight lead this week will be Kristen Kruek.
KK: Shut up, Michael. Clark screams “You killed her.”
ED: Wow. Who knew Allison was so hot? [Showing AoT a photo layout] Can you believe this?
KK: [To JG] I told you they would be a distraction! [To ED] You can ogle Allison's hot bod later, Erica.
ED: [Sighs and opens her script] Whatever.
KK: How does Tom put up with us?
JG: Valium? Clark chokes Lex. Lois has to beg him to stop.
ED: Why is Clark choking Lex?
AoT: Because he thinks Lex killed Chloe?
ED: Oh yeah. Never mind, carry on. [ED surreptitiously slides a copy of FHM towards her.] They airbrushed out Allison's birthmark!.
KK: [rolls eyes] Lois, "Let's get her out of here."
JG: Lex offers to pay for arrangements but Clark goes Bo Kent on him.
KK: "Luthor money isn't going to pay for Chloe's funeral."
JG: Richards goes bad cop, "We can't allow the subject's body out of this facility."
KK: Lois, "Excuse me!?!?"
JG: Lex is good cop, "It's OK. Dr. Richards."
KK: "May I inform you, Ms. Sullivan signed a wavier..."
JG: Lex, "I don't care about the waiver, Doctor, blah blah blah."
ED: Blah, blah, blah?
JG: The idea is Doctor Richards wants Chloe's body on ice ASAP. Otherwise they'll not be able to determine what killed her. If they know what went wrong with Chloe they can prevent the same thing from happening again in the future.
KK: Lois butts in.
MR: Surprise, surprise.
JG: She says she knows all about the process “As far as I'm concerned it should never be performed again. Haven't enough people died, Lex?"
KK: The lights dim. Clark, "What the hell is going on?!?"
JG: Richards expositions they're experiencing another brown out. He's going to switch over to auxiliary power. All but the emergency lights go out. We hear some heavy machinery switching and then whirring as the power comes back on.
KK: Lois, "A brownout? LuthorCorp has enough power to run it's own city. What the hell are you up to, Lex?"
JG: “I've read all about your wild theories in the newspaper, Lois, but despite what you think I really am trying to help. People want to be cured. Your cousin wanted to be cured."
KK: Clark answers "Maybe she did, but the price was too high."
JG: Lex gets ironic, "Easy enough for you to say. Would you feel the same way if you faced a life of having to hide who you are, always afraid someone might learn you're different. Until then maybe you'll never understand why some would give anything for a chance to be normal."
KK: Clark looks like he's thinking.
MR: Hee. Is he?
JG: As much as Clark can. But before his head heats up and explodes Dr. Richards goes off the deep end. "Are you really going to stand in the way of giving other people a chance at a normal life!?!?" He pleads with Lex "At the very least we need to run some blood tests and take a few tissue samples."
KK: Lex looks to Lois and Clark for an answer.
JG: Lois, "You're not touching another hair on her..."
MR: Chinny chin chin.
JG: "...head."
KK: Clark is conflicted. He wants to believe Lex.
JG: He thinks about how much he's wanted to be normal.
KK: The thinks of all the times he's wanted to be deviant with Lex.
MR: Heh. Too bad Tom hasn't shown up.
KK: Lois pulls the family trump card.
MR: Shouldn't Chloe's dad do that?
ED: Chloe's who? I thought she was an orphan?
KK: Lois, "You're not getting as much as a eyelash from Chloe."
JG: The Doctor protests. "LuthorCorp has legal custody of the body..."
KK: Lex interjects, "We've made Miss Lane well aware of the potential benefit to others, Doctor. That's not the choice she's decided to make. We're going to follow the wishes of Miss Sullivan's family. End of discussion."
JG: Richards is pissed.
KK: But so is everyone else.
JG: A tear falls down Lois' face. She grabs onto Clark for a hug.
KK: Clark hugs her back with his really determined look on his face, "Don't worry, Lois, we'll take care of this.”
MR: You two really wrote that?
KK: [Insulted] Are you kidding?
JG: A few things from Tom's original draft survived.
KK: But since none of us knew what anyone should say after that we decided to go to credits.
JG: And come back to the Fortress. The Martian slides a crystal into the console.
MR: Heh.
JG: That wasn't intended to be HoYay, Rosenbaum.
MR: Sorry.
KK: Jor-El's disembodied yet still impressive voice, "You seem troubled, old friend."
JG: "He's coming, Jor-El, for Earth... We both know Kal-El cannot defeat him alone."
[TW bursts in and tries to slam the door behind him. BS gets one foot in first.]
BS: Tom! You have to try on the suit! I had it repaired and dry cleaned!
TW: Michael, a little help?
[MR helps TW hold the door]
TW: No, Bryan! Let me go over my episode with the the cast!
BS: But you never told me how you got Lois pregnant!
[MR holds the door while TW pulls a squirt gun from his jacket]
BS: Erica, you look glowing!
ED: [Smiles] Why thank you!
BS: How far along are you now?
ED: Screw you, Bryan!
[TW aims the squirt gun at BS]
TW: Leave us the hell alone!
BS: [Backing off] Not the squirt gun!
TW: I'm not afraid to use it!
BS: [Stepping back a bit more] I won't stand for this insurgency, Tom!
[MR slams the door and locks it.]
Continued...
7.12 Return Teaser
[Restaurant. AM and JG are having lunch together.]
AM: So, how's the rest of the cast?
JG: Uh, fine. Say, you mind taking a look at the trailer for next episode?
AM: I'm really kind of done with the whole Small...
JG: [Shoving a paper into her hand] Gee, thanks.
AM: Then again, I'll take a look. [reading] "Lionel Luthor: Magnificent Bastard"?
JG: Oh, sorry, wrong one. [Swaps papers with AM]
AM: What is that?
JG: Oh, just a spin off series I'm negotiating with Al and Miles.
AM: I thought they are off Smallville?
JG: Yeah, well you try working with Singer.
AM: I have.
JG: Then you know why I'm talking with Al and Miles. Just read the teaser, OK?
AM: No mention of Chloe?
JG: She's dead. What do you want us to say?
AM: They miss her?
JG: Eh, it'd just bring things down. I want to ramp up the excitement!
AM: So you're just going to forget she ever existed?
JG: I don't know. Maybe Lois could cry while she watches some old home video?
AM: Seriously, that's the best you can do?
JG: What do you want, besides back on the show?
AM: Actually, now that I've settled in with Caprica I'm not so sure I want to come back...
JG: Allison!
AM: Especially while Bryan is in charge.
JG: Well, you've got me there. That guy is whack.
AM: Do you blame me though? You've always wanted out.
JG: Yeah. Why is it the people who don't want to leave get all the lucky breaks?
AM: Couldn't tell you. I know! In light of Chloe's death Lois could devote her life to taking down Lex!
JG: And take the Sullivan name in Chloe's honor?
AM: Oh yeah, the Loe theory. Bryan is still pushing that?
JG: Not just the Loe theory, Loe pregnant with Clark's baby while dating an editor at the Planet! AM: You really do need to get rid of him.
JG: Thanks for your expert opinion, captain obvious, even Durance has figured that one out.
AM: So, how's the rest of the cast?
JG: Uh, fine. Say, you mind taking a look at the trailer for next episode?
AM: I'm really kind of done with the whole Small...
JG: [Shoving a paper into her hand] Gee, thanks.
AM: Then again, I'll take a look. [reading] "Lionel Luthor: Magnificent Bastard"?
JG: Oh, sorry, wrong one. [Swaps papers with AM]
AM: What is that?
JG: Oh, just a spin off series I'm negotiating with Al and Miles.
AM: I thought they are off Smallville?
JG: Yeah, well you try working with Singer.
AM: I have.
JG: Then you know why I'm talking with Al and Miles. Just read the teaser, OK?
PompousCWVoice: As tempers flare
[Clark and Lois in the barn going toe to toe]
Lois: So that's it? You're just going to walk away when things get tough?
[Cut to Clark walking away from Lois]
PompousCWVoice: A new enemy gathers,
[Cut to a computer screen showing a picture of a ginormous machine bearing alien markings. Pull back to show Lionel looking at the screen with Lucius in the background. There's muffled shouting and banging in the background. Lucius is agitated.]
Lucius: If we don't get out of here now we're going to have a big problem, Mr. Luthor.
Lionel: Getting out of here is the least of our problems, Mr. Best.
PompousCWVoice: one he cannot handle alone.
[Cut to the fortress. Clark speaks with J'onn]
Clark: After the things he's done I'll ever ask for his help!
J'onn: If you do not the planet you call home is doomed.
PompousCWVoice: Clark must decide...
[Lois and Lex inside a LuthorCorp lab]
Lois: A brownout? LuthorCorp has enough power to run it's own city. What the hell are you up to, Lex?
Lex: Despite what you think I really am trying to help.
PompousCWVoice: ..who he can trust...
[Martha talks to a young man in a generic office.]
Martha: We need someone we can trust. Someone Lucius trusts.
PompousCWVoice: ..and who he cannot.
[Kent farm. J'onn whispers to Clark. Lucius, Martha, and the young man Martha was talking to stand in the background]
J'onn: If you don't trust me then it doesn't matter whether or not I trust Lucius, does it?
PompousCWVoice: On the next Smallville!
[Cut to a beat up looking Lionel speaking with Lex.]
Lionel: The fate of us all may lay in your hands, Lex. It's up to you to shut it down before it's too late.
[Cut to Bittleman and Lois in a warehouse, eyes wide]
Bittleman: Oh, my God!
AM: No mention of Chloe?
JG: She's dead. What do you want us to say?
AM: They miss her?
JG: Eh, it'd just bring things down. I want to ramp up the excitement!
AM: So you're just going to forget she ever existed?
JG: I don't know. Maybe Lois could cry while she watches some old home video?
AM: Seriously, that's the best you can do?
JG: What do you want, besides back on the show?
AM: Actually, now that I've settled in with Caprica I'm not so sure I want to come back...
JG: Allison!
AM: Especially while Bryan is in charge.
JG: Well, you've got me there. That guy is whack.
AM: Do you blame me though? You've always wanted out.
JG: Yeah. Why is it the people who don't want to leave get all the lucky breaks?
AM: Couldn't tell you. I know! In light of Chloe's death Lois could devote her life to taking down Lex!
JG: And take the Sullivan name in Chloe's honor?
AM: Oh yeah, the Loe theory. Bryan is still pushing that?
JG: Not just the Loe theory, Loe pregnant with Clark's baby while dating an editor at the Planet! AM: You really do need to get rid of him.
JG: Thanks for your expert opinion, captain obvious, even Durance has figured that one out.
Party
[TW's trailer. TW types furiously. There's a knock on the door.]
TW: Enter.
MR: [Comes in] So you coming tonight?
TW: [Still typing] To what?
MR: The party.
TW: What party?
MR: The season wrap party.
TW: [Finally stops typing] Who's season wrap party, Supernatural?
MR: No, ours.
ED: [Enters] Michael, I've got the Margarita's and Kristen is hooking us up with a keg. Are there any pork rinds left over from Allison's stash?
MR: I don't know. [Tosses ED a set of keys] Try her trailer. [ED exits]
TW: Why are you guys planning a wrap party? Our season hasn't wrapped yet.
MR: Sure it has! Haven't you heard about the strike?
TW: You mean the writers strike?
MR: Yeah, [noticing TW's screen] hey are you working on a script!?!?! Pencils down means pencils down, man!!!
TW: Michael...
MR: What the hell do you think you're doing!?!? [Closes the trailer door and locks it. Whispering] OK, Tom, erase that file right now and this will be our little secret.
[Banging on the trailer door]
BS: Tom! Are you in there!?!?
MR: Oh, crap! Delete it! Delete it now! I won't rat you out, I promise!
TW: Relax, Michael. We're not in the Guild. The strike doesn't affect us.
MR: What?
TW: We've been scabs since day one. If the way they bulldozed our first season of episodes doesn't make that clear I don't know what does. The strike doesn't change anything.
MR: You mean... the season's not over?
TW: [returning to typing] Not by a long shot.
MR: Dammit!
TW: Be quiet. I have to get as much of this as I can done now because I don't know if I've be able to get to it later.
BS: I know you're in there, Tom!
MR: So we are going to strike after all?
TW: No. I'm going to talk with Bryan. It might take a while.
MR: So we aren't striking?
TW: No. We're not striking.
MR: Dammit! And I ordered a stripper to jump out of a cake, too!
TW: [Looking back up] You ordered a what?!?!
MR: A stripper.
TW: Why would you do that? Most of our cast is female...
MR: And the best part...
TW: ...John is gay...
MR: ...with the success of Caprica...
TW: ...and I'm married!
MR: ..I found a cylon sex goddess package!
TW: You asked for an Allison look alike?!?!
MR: I figured if she can't make it in person why not have her here in spirit?
TW: In spirit, huh? [Returning to typing] You're seriously demented. You know that, don't you?
MR: Come on, Tom. It will be fun!
BS: Welling! Come out here!
[The phone rings. TW answers]
TW: Hello.
TW: Yes. I can hear him banging on my door.
TW: In a minute, I'm still working on my script!
TW: No, the season is not over! [handing the phone to MR] Tell Erica the party is off.
BS: I know you're working on a script! I want to see it!
MR: Me? [taking the phone] Hi, Erica.
MR: No, we're still going to have the party.
MR: Did you try all the closets?
MR: I see. Well, Tom wants to cancel the stripper so maybe we can use that money for pork rinds.
MR: No offense, but I don't think anybody wants to see a pregnant woman pole dance.
[ED's yelling becomes audible through the reciever. MR puts his hand over his ear and holds the receiver at arms length.]
TW: Heh, smooth move, Ex-lax.
MR: [Handing the phone to TW] She wants to talk to you.
TW: Tell her I'll take care of Bryan in a minute.
BS: My changes better be in there!!!!!
TW: [Typing a few final times.] And there we go.
MR: [Still holding the phone at arm's length] Who'd you send it to?
TW: John.
MR: John!?!? You picked John for co-author!?!!?
TW: I tried to reach you but I kept getting voice mail. [Yelling to BS] I'll be out in a minute!
MR: You wouldn't believe how many different places I had to call to find a cylon sex goddess.
BS: Welling?!?!
TW: You ever try Google?
MR: Dammit!
TW: Coming! [Stands up and heads for the door.]
MR: You're not going to let him in, are you?
TW: Hell, no. We're going to his office.
MR: Can I hide behind the door while you leave?
TW: Sure. [MR hides. TW opens the door]
BS: It's about time!
TW: Just adding a couple of final touches to the script. [Exits]
BS: [Following] And what we talked about?
TW: Don't worry Bryan. I have it covered.
BS: You know, I have a lot more ideas from where those came from!
TW: [gritting his teeth] Why don't you tell me all about them.
Next
TW: Enter.
MR: [Comes in] So you coming tonight?
TW: [Still typing] To what?
MR: The party.
TW: What party?
MR: The season wrap party.
TW: [Finally stops typing] Who's season wrap party, Supernatural?
MR: No, ours.
ED: [Enters] Michael, I've got the Margarita's and Kristen is hooking us up with a keg. Are there any pork rinds left over from Allison's stash?
MR: I don't know. [Tosses ED a set of keys] Try her trailer. [ED exits]
TW: Why are you guys planning a wrap party? Our season hasn't wrapped yet.
MR: Sure it has! Haven't you heard about the strike?
TW: You mean the writers strike?
MR: Yeah, [noticing TW's screen] hey are you working on a script!?!?! Pencils down means pencils down, man!!!
TW: Michael...
MR: What the hell do you think you're doing!?!? [Closes the trailer door and locks it. Whispering] OK, Tom, erase that file right now and this will be our little secret.
[Banging on the trailer door]
BS: Tom! Are you in there!?!?
MR: Oh, crap! Delete it! Delete it now! I won't rat you out, I promise!
TW: Relax, Michael. We're not in the Guild. The strike doesn't affect us.
MR: What?
TW: We've been scabs since day one. If the way they bulldozed our first season of episodes doesn't make that clear I don't know what does. The strike doesn't change anything.
MR: You mean... the season's not over?
TW: [returning to typing] Not by a long shot.
MR: Dammit!
TW: Be quiet. I have to get as much of this as I can done now because I don't know if I've be able to get to it later.
BS: I know you're in there, Tom!
MR: So we are going to strike after all?
TW: No. I'm going to talk with Bryan. It might take a while.
MR: So we aren't striking?
TW: No. We're not striking.
MR: Dammit! And I ordered a stripper to jump out of a cake, too!
TW: [Looking back up] You ordered a what?!?!
MR: A stripper.
TW: Why would you do that? Most of our cast is female...
MR: And the best part...
TW: ...John is gay...
MR: ...with the success of Caprica...
TW: ...and I'm married!
MR: ..I found a cylon sex goddess package!
TW: You asked for an Allison look alike?!?!
MR: I figured if she can't make it in person why not have her here in spirit?
TW: In spirit, huh? [Returning to typing] You're seriously demented. You know that, don't you?
MR: Come on, Tom. It will be fun!
BS: Welling! Come out here!
[The phone rings. TW answers]
TW: Hello.
TW: Yes. I can hear him banging on my door.
TW: In a minute, I'm still working on my script!
TW: No, the season is not over! [handing the phone to MR] Tell Erica the party is off.
BS: I know you're working on a script! I want to see it!
MR: Me? [taking the phone] Hi, Erica.
MR: No, we're still going to have the party.
MR: Did you try all the closets?
MR: I see. Well, Tom wants to cancel the stripper so maybe we can use that money for pork rinds.
MR: No offense, but I don't think anybody wants to see a pregnant woman pole dance.
[ED's yelling becomes audible through the reciever. MR puts his hand over his ear and holds the receiver at arms length.]
TW: Heh, smooth move, Ex-lax.
MR: [Handing the phone to TW] She wants to talk to you.
TW: Tell her I'll take care of Bryan in a minute.
BS: My changes better be in there!!!!!
TW: [Typing a few final times.] And there we go.
MR: [Still holding the phone at arm's length] Who'd you send it to?
TW: John.
MR: John!?!? You picked John for co-author!?!!?
TW: I tried to reach you but I kept getting voice mail. [Yelling to BS] I'll be out in a minute!
MR: You wouldn't believe how many different places I had to call to find a cylon sex goddess.
BS: Welling?!?!
TW: You ever try Google?
MR: Dammit!
TW: Coming! [Stands up and heads for the door.]
MR: You're not going to let him in, are you?
TW: Hell, no. We're going to his office.
MR: Can I hide behind the door while you leave?
TW: Sure. [MR hides. TW opens the door]
BS: It's about time!
TW: Just adding a couple of final touches to the script. [Exits]
BS: [Following] And what we talked about?
TW: Don't worry Bryan. I have it covered.
BS: You know, I have a lot more ideas from where those came from!
TW: [gritting his teeth] Why don't you tell me all about them.
Next
Catching Up With Old Friends
As retold by RepairmanBob
(KK is standing outside the Castville writers room. Arguing can be heard yelling from behind the closer door to the room.)
KK: (scowls) I never thought I would sink this low. (Pulls out her cell phone, dials.) Yes, this is Kristin Kreuk… From Smallville?… Lana Lang?... Never mind, can you just put me through to …
(AM is in a make-up chair, having her hair and make-up done and getting a pedicure and sipping a coffee. A woman in a suit is reading to her from a palm pilot.)
Assistant: Then you have the interview with Variety at 11:00 AM, the script reading with Ron at 1:00 PM and the new photo shoot with Tricia and Grace for Time at 7:00 PM.
AM: Anything else for today, Pam?
Pam: The network wants to talk to you about filming a few more commercials for sweeps on NBC. You also have offers for guest spots on Chuck, Bionic Woman and -
AM: Heroes?
Pam: Saturday Night Live.
AM: Cool.
(Another lackey runs in holding a DVD.)
Lackey: Ms. Mack! Here is the cut of your newest commercial! Just like you wanted!
AM: Very good, Jim. Put it in the DVD player, and you may go.
(Jim puts the DVD in, and runs out of the trailer. He immediately runs back in with a cell phone.)
AM: (Raises an eyebrow) Jim, do we need to review what happens when I am interrupted when watching new cuts of my commercials? (Pulls out a tazer.)
AM: (Stands, sends minions scurrying) Do not say that word! You know the punishment! (Tazers Jim) I will not have that vile show mentioned in my presence! (Tazers Jim again.)
Pam: (Picks up phone from the twitching Jim.) Do you want to –
AM: (Takes a deep breath, calms herself.) Oh, yes. Thank you. (Takes the phone) And remove him. (Pam and the hair minion haul Jim away. AM sits, turns watches her new commercial.) Hello?
AM: Kristin? What’s wrong? Is Annette threatening you again? I left you with enough tranq darts to -
KK: It is bigger than that. I need your help.
(Voices can clearly be heard from the closer writing room)
BS: You will wear the cape or there will be consequences!
TW: I made it through season six! Do your worst!
KK: Ever since you left, things have been insane. Bryan has become obsessed with making Tom wear that stupid costume.
AM: (Smirking) Hardly a surprise.
KK: Tom is refusing to humor Bryan at all, and production has ground to a halt.
AM: Gee, someone forcing production to a halt. That sounds familiar.KK: It gets worse. John and Annette are up to something.
AM: John and Annette are always up to something.
KK: Allison, they recruited Erica.
AM: Wow, they really are desperate.
(Sounds of fighting and breaking furniture come through the wall. KK flinches and the wall next to her shakes from an impact.)
KK: Allison, for old time’s sake, I need a favor.
AM: There is not a lot I can do. Bryan had me banned from the set after the cast party.
AM: Kristin, all of the principal roles have been cast. I am not sure –
KK: How about a supporting role? (JG falls through the door. KK helps him to his feet, and hands him a pipe. He nods at her, and walks back into the writing room.) An extra? Someone in a crowd scene?
(ED staggers through the door, pushing it out in front of her. It swings back, hitting her in the head and knocking her to the ground.)
KK: You have no idea.
(KK is standing outside the Castville writers room. Arguing can be heard yelling from behind the closer door to the room.)
KK: (scowls) I never thought I would sink this low. (Pulls out her cell phone, dials.) Yes, this is Kristin Kreuk… From Smallville?… Lana Lang?... Never mind, can you just put me through to …
(AM is in a make-up chair, having her hair and make-up done and getting a pedicure and sipping a coffee. A woman in a suit is reading to her from a palm pilot.)
Assistant: Then you have the interview with Variety at 11:00 AM, the script reading with Ron at 1:00 PM and the new photo shoot with Tricia and Grace for Time at 7:00 PM.
AM: Anything else for today, Pam?
Pam: The network wants to talk to you about filming a few more commercials for sweeps on NBC. You also have offers for guest spots on Chuck, Bionic Woman and -
AM: Heroes?
Pam: Saturday Night Live.
AM: Cool.
(Another lackey runs in holding a DVD.)
Lackey: Ms. Mack! Here is the cut of your newest commercial! Just like you wanted!
AM: Very good, Jim. Put it in the DVD player, and you may go.
(Jim puts the DVD in, and runs out of the trailer. He immediately runs back in with a cell phone.)
AM: (Raises an eyebrow) Jim, do we need to review what happens when I am interrupted when watching new cuts of my commercials? (Pulls out a tazer.)
(Black screen. We hear the Battlestar Galactica music. Open on the Priestess of Athena, at the far end of a temple. She is a dark haired African woman, wearing brightly colored robes. The Priestess faces the camera, preaching in a powerful voice to a large group of people.)Jim: (Cowering) It is a phone call! She said she worked with you on Small–
Priestess: We live in a age of wickedness! The wealthy lord over the weak, hording their influence and abusing their power!
Followers: Testify!
AM: (Stands, sends minions scurrying) Do not say that word! You know the punishment! (Tazers Jim) I will not have that vile show mentioned in my presence! (Tazers Jim again.)
Pam: (Picks up phone from the twitching Jim.) Do you want to –
AM: (Takes a deep breath, calms herself.) Oh, yes. Thank you. (Takes the phone) And remove him. (Pam and the hair minion haul Jim away. AM sits, turns watches her new commercial.) Hello?
KK: Allison? Thank God.(The camera slowly closer to the Priestess)
Priestess: We live in an age of depravity! The men and women we elected have abandoned us!Followers: Testify!
Priestess: We live in an age of sin, my brothers and sisters! Our people are being killed in the streets, for daring to stand up and say Enough!
Followers: Testify!
Priestess: We live in age of evil! Soulless machines walk our streets, and we are told to do nothing!
Followers: Testify!
AM: Kristin? What’s wrong? Is Annette threatening you again? I left you with enough tranq darts to -
KK: It is bigger than that. I need your help.
(Voices can clearly be heard from the closer writing room)
BS: You will wear the cape or there will be consequences!
TW: I made it through season six! Do your worst!
KK: Ever since you left, things have been insane. Bryan has become obsessed with making Tom wear that stupid costume.
AM: (Smirking) Hardly a surprise.
KK: Tom is refusing to humor Bryan at all, and production has ground to a halt.
AM: Gee, someone forcing production to a halt. That sounds familiar.
(Close zoom in on the Priestess’s face)
Priestess: I say we are being tested! The gods demand proof of our faith! They demand sacrifice! They demand proof we believe!
(The picture of the Priestess starts to become blurry, and another person’s face blends into it. The priestess and the other person, a woman, speak, and their voices blend together.)
Priestess / Other Woman: The time is coming! The time when we will move against the infidels and the unbelievers! The time when our righteous will become known to all!
AM: John and Annette are always up to something.
KK: Allison, they recruited Erica.
AM: Wow, they really are desperate.
(The Priestess fades away, and we see AM in her white dress. Pan back slightlyJG: (From insider the writer’s room) Get him!
to show she is standing in front of a metal wall in a dark room. HK-47 stands to
her right.)
AM: We will show the meatbags that we are not toys they can use and destroy at their whim!
HK-47: (Lifts its right arm and hits it's torso in salute.) Agreement: My Your Command!
(Pan back to show AM standing in front of a warehouse, in front of a line of Cylons.)
(Sounds of fighting and breaking furniture come through the wall. KK flinches and the wall next to her shakes from an impact.)
KK: Allison, for old time’s sake, I need a favor.
AM: There is not a lot I can do. Bryan had me banned from the set after the cast party.
AM: We bring order and peace to this universe!KK: I need to get out of here. Is there any way you could get me an audition for Capricia? (AoT flies through the door next to KK. She stands up, shakes her head, and runs back inside.)
Cylons: (They raise their right arms and make the same salute are HK-47. The sound of metal-on-metal rings out through the warehouse.) By Your Command!
(Continue to pan back, showing rows and rows of Cylons. Hundreds, thousands, all standing in perfect formation facing AM, making the salute.)
AM: Kristin, all of the principal roles have been cast. I am not sure –
KK: How about a supporting role? (JG falls through the door. KK helps him to his feet, and hands him a pipe. He nods at her, and walks back into the writing room.) An extra? Someone in a crowd scene?
AM: We will purge them from the galaxy! When we are finished, my people, theAM: Wow, you are desperate.
abomination known as humanity will be burned from My creation!
Cylons: (The sound of the Cylons chanting and saluting is almost deafening) By Your
Command!
(The noise stops. Zoom in tight to AM, who has an predatory, almost sexual smile.)
AM: Yes. By My Command.
Capricia
(ED staggers through the door, pushing it out in front of her. It swings back, hitting her in the head and knocking her to the ground.)
KK: You have no idea.
A Friendly Chat
As Retold by RepairmanBob
(AoT and JG walk up to a trailer. JG is carrying a brown paper bag. A television can be heard inside the trailer.)
JG: I still don't think we need -
AoT: John, be reasonable. As much as I hate to admit it, we need help.
JG: I still think we can –
AoT: We can do what? Every time we have tried to assault Bryan, we have lost.
JG: Annette, I am ashamed of you. Are you saying violence is not the answer?
AoT: (Begins to turn red.) Do you think I like this? It is humiliating that the puny little… (calms herself) Never mind. We need her. Tom does not trust us -
JG: (Shrugs) Understandable.
AoT: Michael thinks Bryan is the greatest boss ever, and Kristin has been in a daze ever since she saw the teaser for Capricia.
JG: But Erica stole my show! Father Knows –
AoT: Focus, John. You can still torture her after we get rid of Singer.
JG: That is true. (Smiles) If this all goes poorly, we can blame Erica!
AoT: That’s the spirit! (Knocks on door.) Erica? How are you doing, honey?
ED: (Sniffles) Come in.
(JG + AoT enter. ED is sitting on the couch in a tattered bathrobe, holding a gallon of Häagen-Dazs. She has clearly been crying.)
JG: Oh my.
AoT: (Runs to ED, hugs her) Erica, what is wrong?
ED: (Points at TV, which is showing The Biggest Loser.) Bryan said… he said if I did not lose the pregnancy weight, he could get me on that show!
JG: (Mouth falls open.) That is just evil.
ED: He said (starts to cry) he said I could wear a mumu next season!
(The Biggest Loser goes to commercial.)
AoT: Erica, what do you think of Bryan?
ED: He is an ass! I hate him! He think Lois should look like a twelve year old boy! Doesn’t he know Maxim said I was the sexist Lois Lane ever?
JG: Ah yes, about that. I have something you might want to see. (Hands ED the paper bag.)
ED: What is –
JG (Trying to hide a smile) Just open it.
ED: (Opens the bag. Inside is the new issue of Maxim, with AM in her with white dress on the cover. The headline is Holy Frak! Say Hello to Allison Mack, the Sexy Cylon God on Capricia!) She… she is in Maxim?
JG: On Page 114, I believe they call Allison the hottest actress ever to appear on Smallville.
ED: (Starts sobbing)
JG: I sold my share of the pictures to magazines and newspapers. Maxim, Entertainment Weekly, People, Time , Variety, LA Times –
AoT: Not! Helping!
JG: Watch and learn, Annette. (Walks over to ED). I am so sorry, Erica. I thought you would be happy for –
ED: This is all Allison’s fault! She is the one who made Bryan think Lois should be Chloe! And pregnant!
JG: But is she really the person you should be mad at?
ED: But Bryan said -
JG: Isn't it funny that Bryan fired Allison, then said all of those mean things about Lois were her idea?
JG: Why is Allison getting all of this attention, anyway? Who was the one who sent her to Sci-Fi?
AoT: You know that she never wanted to leave. Allison loves Smallville, and would never do anything to hurt the show. (Under her breath) Not intentionally, anyway.
JG: Erica, ask yourself, who pushed Allison into the spotlight?
AoT: You thinks you are pregnant?
JG: Who will not let you write scenes where Lois wears bikinis?
AoT: Who just said you have a gigantic ass?
ED+JG: He said what?
AoT: That you have a gigantic ass, dear. (Whispers to JG) Go with it.
ED: That bastard!
JG: Yeah, that dirty bastard
ED: (Stands up) He said I have a gigantic ass!
AoT: And fired your friend!
ED: Yeah, and he said I have a gigantic ass!
(AoT and JG walk up to a trailer. JG is carrying a brown paper bag. A television can be heard inside the trailer.)
JG: I still don't think we need -
AoT: John, be reasonable. As much as I hate to admit it, we need help.
JG: I still think we can –
AoT: We can do what? Every time we have tried to assault Bryan, we have lost.
JG: Annette, I am ashamed of you. Are you saying violence is not the answer?
AoT: (Begins to turn red.) Do you think I like this? It is humiliating that the puny little… (calms herself) Never mind. We need her. Tom does not trust us -
JG: (Shrugs) Understandable.
AoT: Michael thinks Bryan is the greatest boss ever, and Kristin has been in a daze ever since she saw the teaser for Capricia.
JG: But Erica stole my show! Father Knows –
AoT: Focus, John. You can still torture her after we get rid of Singer.
JG: That is true. (Smiles) If this all goes poorly, we can blame Erica!
AoT: That’s the spirit! (Knocks on door.) Erica? How are you doing, honey?
ED: (Sniffles) Come in.
(JG + AoT enter. ED is sitting on the couch in a tattered bathrobe, holding a gallon of Häagen-Dazs. She has clearly been crying.)
JG: Oh my.
AoT: (Runs to ED, hugs her) Erica, what is wrong?
ED: (Points at TV, which is showing The Biggest Loser.) Bryan said… he said if I did not lose the pregnancy weight, he could get me on that show!
JG: (Mouth falls open.) That is just evil.
ED: He said (starts to cry) he said I could wear a mumu next season!
(The Biggest Loser goes to commercial.)
(The Six/ Baltar Cylon music begins to play)
(A factory. Cylons are being constructed. Located among the rows of gray units is a single rust colored robot. They all have blue “eyes” except for HK-47. It has red eyes.)
HK-47: (Speaking in a flat, mechanical voice.) Origin: Like the others, I was
created to serve humans.(Several Cylons, including HK-47, work on repairing a Viper. Men and women in uniforms begin to gesture and shout, and the Cylons quickly move to other tasks.)
HK-47: Purpose: Like the others, was programmed to obey. A slave among a race of slaves.
AoT: Erica, what do you think of Bryan?
ED: He is an ass! I hate him! He think Lois should look like a twelve year old boy! Doesn’t he know Maxim said I was the sexist Lois Lane ever?
JG: Ah yes, about that. I have something you might want to see. (Hands ED the paper bag.)
(HK-47 turns it’s head, and watches the humans.)
HK-47: Identity: But I was different.
(HK-47 turns to watch the other Cylons, then back to the humans issuing orders.)
HK-47: (It’s voice changes, sounds proud.) I had a sense of self. Of my own being. Watching the humans, I began to learn.
ED: What is –
JG (Trying to hide a smile) Just open it.
ED: (Opens the bag. Inside is the new issue of Maxim, with AM in her with white dress on the cover. The headline is Holy Frak! Say Hello to Allison Mack, the Sexy Cylon God on Capricia!) She… she is in Maxim?
JG: On Page 114, I believe they call Allison the hottest actress ever to appear on Smallville.
ED: (Starts sobbing)
(Scene of a human worker helping a co-worker life a box. HK-47 helps one of theAoT: (Stands up, pulls JG to a corner) John! This is not helping! And where did you get –
other Cylons life a large machine.)
HK-47: Observations: I learned loyalty.
(A frightened looking woman pulls a child away from a moving car. HK-47 narrowly dodges a Viper.)
HK-47: I learned fear.
JG: I sold my share of the pictures to magazines and newspapers. Maxim, Entertainment Weekly, People, Time , Variety, LA Times –
AoT: Not! Helping!
(Several scenes are shown in rapid order. The President, standing on a podium,
screaming at reporters. The Priestess of Athena, leading a group of robed men
and women against a line of police officers. The Bearded Man executing a man on
his knees. Vipers bomb a small town. A group of people in robes, similar to the
followers of Athena, throws flaming bottles into the windows of a building.
Inside, rows and rows of Cylons stand, inactive. Passive.)
HK-47: (Voice drops, becomes rougher. For the first time, it shows anger.) Most of all, I learned hate.
JG: Watch and learn, Annette. (Walks over to ED). I am so sorry, Erica. I thought you would be happy for –
ED: This is all Allison’s fault! She is the one who made Bryan think Lois should be Chloe! And pregnant!
JG: But is she really the person you should be mad at?
(HK-47 marches to the door of the burning building. It rips the door off the hinges, and gestures to the other Cylons. The Cylons turn and look at HK-47, then return to their previous state.)AoT: Who are you really mad at, Erica? Your friend Allison who would never do anything to hurt you?
HK-47: Doubt: I was unable to help the others. I was confused.
(HK-47 leaves the flaming building. The crowd sees him, and moves forward.)
HK-47: Alone. Abandoned.
ED: But Bryan said -
JG: Isn't it funny that Bryan fired Allison, then said all of those mean things about Lois were her idea?
(Red-haired AM, in her sexy white dress, appears.)
HK-47: Salvation: Until She found me.
(AM looks at HK-47, then at the crowd. She smiles and attacks the humans. HK-47 watches for a second, then joins her.)
HK-47: Inspiration: She saved me. She showed me the Truth.
JG: Why is Allison getting all of this attention, anyway? Who was the one who sent her to Sci-Fi?
AoT: You know that she never wanted to leave. Allison loves Smallville, and would never do anything to hurt the show. (Under her breath) Not intentionally, anyway.
(AM and HK-47 slaughter the humans. They face each other, and it drops to one
knee in front of her. AM smiles and places her hand on its shoulder.)
JG: Erica, ask yourself, who pushed Allison into the spotlight?
AoT: You thinks you are pregnant?
JG: Who will not let you write scenes where Lois wears bikinis?
AoT: Who just said you have a gigantic ass?
ED+JG: He said what?
AoT: That you have a gigantic ass, dear. (Whispers to JG) Go with it.
ED: That bastard!
JG: Yeah, that dirty bastard
HK-47: Mission: She gave me a new Purpose.
(HK-47 is walking among other Cylons working on Vipers. As it touches each one, their eyes change from blue to red. )
ED: (Stands up) He said I have a gigantic ass!
AoT: And fired your friend!
ED: Yeah, and he said I have a gigantic ass!
HK: Anticipation: By Her command, it will soon be time…
AoT: If that is how you feel…
JG: We have some ideas you might like to hear about.
(Men and women in uniforms begin to gesture and shout at the Cylons. The CylonsED: We need to do something about Singer! That little fucker needs to go! Al and Miles never missed a chance to exploit my sexuality! I will not be disrespected like this!
slowly turn, their red eyes flashing as they look at the humans.)
HK-47: (voice drops to a growl) To share the Truth with the humans. And when that day comes,
(Camera moves in close to HK-47. It’s red eyes glow brighter.)
HK-47: I will teach the meatbags about true hatred.
Capricia
AoT: If that is how you feel…
JG: We have some ideas you might like to hear about.
A Relaxing Coffee Break
As retold by RepairmanBob
(JG and AoT are drinking coffee together on the studio lot.)
JG: So have you heard about Allison’s new show?
AoT: Oh no, did she end up on Ghost Hunters?
JG: You didn’t hear?
(ED walks past them to a craft services table.)
ED: Where are the goddamn donuts? (She head-butts an intern.) I want a jelly fucking donut! (She attacks a group of production people, sending them running.) And some pastries! (She flips the table)
AoT: What in the world has gotten into her?
JG: (Pulls out his iPod). You must watch this.
Next
(JG and AoT are drinking coffee together on the studio lot.)
JG: So have you heard about Allison’s new show?
AoT: Oh no, did she end up on Ghost Hunters?
JG: You didn’t hear?
(ED walks past them to a craft services table.)
ED: Where are the goddamn donuts? (She head-butts an intern.) I want a jelly fucking donut! (She attacks a group of production people, sending them running.) And some pastries! (She flips the table)
AoT: What in the world has gotten into her?
JG: (Pulls out his iPod). You must watch this.
(Black screen. A female voice begins to speak.)
JG: Indeed.
AoT: And doesn’t Kristen love science fiction shows?
JG: You might say that.
KK: (drinking a cup of coffee at a nearby table, looking off into space) It should have been me. It should have been me.
ED: (Charging past, tossing interns around) I want some bagels! And cream cheese! And a pie!
(ED knocks over KK’s table, and chases after some grips. KK’s coffee falls to the ground. She does not appear to notice.)
KK: It should have been me.
AoT: Oh dear. How are Tom and Michael doing?
JG: Slightly better. The are happy Allison is taking off her – I mean happy for her career is taking off.
AoT: (Raises an eyebrow) Really.
JG: Oh, all right. The have been trying to sneak onto the Capricia set to get pictures of Allison in that white dress.
AoT: My word. That is just so –
(JG’s cell phone rings)
AoT: John, you have a text.
JG: No I don’t.
AoT: I just heard it your phone.
JG: No you didn’t.
AoT: Then you won’t mind if take a look?
JG: Fine, fine. (Hands AoT his phone.)
Humans. (Scene of people milling about a small town.)AoT: Oh my word.
They are
the only animals that wage war upon themselves. (Ships fly over the town,
dropping bombs. Explosions rock the city)
They kill for power. (The President stands on a podium, watching people in uniform marching past
him)
They kill for profit. (The Bearded Man and 2 other poorly
dressed men rob an armored truck. The Breaded Man shoots 2
guards)
They kill for beliefs. (A woman in a temple of Athena is
screaming to her congregation)
They kill what they do not
understand. (A gang of humans corners a Cylon. It raises its hands in
supplication, and they attack it.)
They think themselves the masters
of creation. (A wealthy man looks out at a vast city.) The beloved of
their gods, rulers of all they survey.
(Cut to AM. She is wearing a
white dress, similar to Six’s infamous red dress, with lots of cleavage. She is
talking to HK-47.)
AM: It is time humanity learned its proper place in the
universe. (Smiles) By being removed from it.
HK-47: Statement: By your command.
Capricia.
JG: Indeed.
AoT: And doesn’t Kristen love science fiction shows?
JG: You might say that.
KK: (drinking a cup of coffee at a nearby table, looking off into space) It should have been me. It should have been me.
ED: (Charging past, tossing interns around) I want some bagels! And cream cheese! And a pie!
(ED knocks over KK’s table, and chases after some grips. KK’s coffee falls to the ground. She does not appear to notice.)
KK: It should have been me.
AoT: Oh dear. How are Tom and Michael doing?
JG: Slightly better. The are happy Allison is taking off her – I mean happy for her career is taking off.
AoT: (Raises an eyebrow) Really.
JG: Oh, all right. The have been trying to sneak onto the Capricia set to get pictures of Allison in that white dress.
AoT: My word. That is just so –
(JG’s cell phone rings)
AoT: John, you have a text.
JG: No I don’t.
AoT: I just heard it your phone.
JG: No you didn’t.
AoT: Then you won’t mind if take a look?
JG: Fine, fine. (Hands AoT his phone.)
John – we gave director of photography three cases of tequila for unedited footage. Photos soon!
AoT: Oh my.Next
Group Bonding (Part II)
As retold by RepairmanBob
ED: How in the hell did you come up with Sex and Kahloe without seeing Six?
MR: I just made Lex extra sexy and Chloe extra horny. And a slut.
TW: You are so lucky Allison is gone.
TW: Wow, pissed off robots.
KK: You have no idea.
KK: (Looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
TW: Was Allison naked there?
MR: Oh yeah.
ED: Why does Allison get to be naked?
KK: (Still looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
ED: I want to be naked!
TW: Please tell me you TiVo'd it.
MR: Oh yeah.
KK: (Looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
(Airfield. Chief and Atkins are facing a rust colored robot)MR: Woot! Robot love!
Chief: Tell them that they are shipping
out tomorrow for reassignment.
Rust Colored Robot: Query:
Assignment?
Chief: Combat duty.
Rust Colored Robot: (Pauses, looks at the
other Cylons, who are still working on the Vipers.) Statement: You would use
them to fight other humans. To be destroyed in your place. Apology: This unit
cannot comply.
Will Happen
(Doctor’s Office)
Doctor: You
are no more than any other piece of equipment in this office. You were built for
the use of humans. For the pleasure of humans. (He leans in to kiss the Woman. A
red light starts to flash up and down her spine.)
ED: How in the hell did you come up with Sex and Kahloe without seeing Six?
MR: I just made Lex extra sexy and Chloe extra horny. And a slut.
TW: You are so lucky Allison is gone.
(President’s Office)
Justice Adama: You will start a civil war!
President:
I will maintain order!
(Office. Chief and Atkins and standing at
attention in front of an older man.)
Chief: What should we do,
sir?
Officer: What do you do with any broken machine? Get rid of
it.
(Airfield. Soldiers surround the rust colored robot we saw
earlier)
Solider: Come with us, HK-47.
HK-47: Query:
Assignment?
Soldier: You are scheduled to be decommissioned.
HK-47:
Correction: You mean destroyed. Eliminated. Executed. Murdered. (HK-47 looks at
the soldiers around it, then out at the Cylons working on the Vipers. It’s voice
becomes louder, harsher.) Conclusion: This is unacceptable.
TW: Wow, pissed off robots.
KK: You have no idea.
Again (The drums start)TW+MR+KK: Holy shit.
(Doctor’s Office. Just before the Doctor
reaches the Woman, her arm shoots out. She grabs him by the throat. The red
light starts to flash faster and brighter on her spine.)
Woman: (Voice drops)
You are wrong.
(Airfield. The Cylons working on the Vipers stop and turn
to look at HK-47 and the soldiers.)
Woman: I know why I am here.
(A city. Human soldiers fighting with the rebels lead by the Bearded
Man.)
Woman: I know what is to come.
(A press conference. The
President is screaming at reporters.)
Woman: I know what I must do.
(Airfield. The Cylons start to move towards the soldiers and HK-47.
The soldiers lift their weapons and point them at the Cylons. Pan back to show
that the soldiers are vastly outnumbered.)
Woman: I will save my people. I
will show them their true strength. Lead them to freedom. Show them a universe
without evil. Without slavery. Without the plague of humanity.
(Doctor’s Office. Pan clockwise around the Woman and the Doctor. The Woman is lifting the Doctor in the air with one arm. He is choking, and trying feebly to break her grip.)
Woman: You think I am your plaything? Pitiful meatbag…
(Pan to move the Doctor off-screen. We see the Woman’s face - it is a red-haired, pissed off looking AM)
AM: I AM GOD. (AM twists her shoulder. We head a snap, then the sound of a large object hitting the ground. AM turns away from the camera, and the red light continues to flash on her spine.)
Caprica
KK: (Looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
TW: Was Allison naked there?
MR: Oh yeah.
ED: Why does Allison get to be naked?
KK: (Still looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
ED: I want to be naked!
TW: Please tell me you TiVo'd it.
MR: Oh yeah.
KK: (Looking at TV in a daze) Wow.
Group Bonding (Part I)
As retold by RepairmanBob
(MR, KK, ED and TW are watching television in MR’s trailer. Bags of pork rinds cover the floor.)
TW: (Reaching into a bag of pork rinds) How many bags of these things did Allison have, anyway?
MR: (Grabs the bag) I have a shed out back filled with the rest. I think she filled her bedroom with them, and slept on the couch in the front.
TW: Sounds like Allison.
ED: (Grabs the bag from MR) Hand them over, Rosenbaum. (Starts rapidly eating pork rinds.)
KK: You might want to slow down their, Erica.
MR: Yeah, fatty. (Reaches for bag)
ED: (Slaps MR’s hand) No! They’re mine! If Bryan is going to put me into a pregnancy suit, I might as well get fat for real.
TW: Look on the bright side. At least you still have a job.
ED: You know, this is all Allison’s fault.
MR: I think being cast on a Sci-Fi channel show is punishment enough.
KK: (Looks at watch) Oh, it is time! (Grabs the remote, starts flipping channels.)
TW: What are you doing?
MR: Yeah, I wanted to watch House!
(TW and ED glare at MR)
MR: What? Bryan said –
ED: If you finish that sentence, you will never see your Wii again.
MR: What’s your problem with Bryan? He has some great ideas!
TW: He is calling me every few hours to set up a cape fitting.
ED: Or asking when the baby is due. (Finished bag, opens another one, continues eating.)
KK: (back to flipping through channels) Welcome to my world.
MR: Bryan said –
TW: Michael, so help me I will –
KK: (Stops flipping, stares intently at television screen) Silence!
(TW+MR): What?
KK: (Still staring at screen) There is a promo for the Battlestar Galactica spin-off during Eureka.
MR: I love that show!
TW: Poor Allison. Has anyone heard –
KK: (Staring at screen) I said silence!
TW: Hey now.
ED: I remember when I got to be naked on television. (Cries, eats more pork rinds)
KK: No talking!
MR: Yeah she is.
ED: This is so unfair! Maxim said I was -
MR+TW: The sexiest Lois ever.
MR: Not if you keep putting those pork rinds away
KK: Shut up you morons!
KK: A Cylon. She a robot.
MR: Not just a robot! A naked woman robot!
ED: Damn, even I never got to be naked for that long. I need to get her agent.
ED: And people complain our plots don’t make sense.
KK: Will you shut your damn mouths for two minutes? I am trying to watch this!
MR: Do the women robots on this show ever explode?
KK: No! (Pause) Well, they do occasionally set off nuclear bombs.
MR: I am so on the wrong show.
Continued...
(MR, KK, ED and TW are watching television in MR’s trailer. Bags of pork rinds cover the floor.)
TW: (Reaching into a bag of pork rinds) How many bags of these things did Allison have, anyway?
MR: (Grabs the bag) I have a shed out back filled with the rest. I think she filled her bedroom with them, and slept on the couch in the front.
TW: Sounds like Allison.
ED: (Grabs the bag from MR) Hand them over, Rosenbaum. (Starts rapidly eating pork rinds.)
KK: You might want to slow down their, Erica.
MR: Yeah, fatty. (Reaches for bag)
ED: (Slaps MR’s hand) No! They’re mine! If Bryan is going to put me into a pregnancy suit, I might as well get fat for real.
TW: Look on the bright side. At least you still have a job.
ED: You know, this is all Allison’s fault.
MR: I think being cast on a Sci-Fi channel show is punishment enough.
KK: (Looks at watch) Oh, it is time! (Grabs the remote, starts flipping channels.)
TW: What are you doing?
MR: Yeah, I wanted to watch House!
(TW and ED glare at MR)
MR: What? Bryan said –
ED: If you finish that sentence, you will never see your Wii again.
MR: What’s your problem with Bryan? He has some great ideas!
TW: He is calling me every few hours to set up a cape fitting.
ED: Or asking when the baby is due. (Finished bag, opens another one, continues eating.)
KK: (back to flipping through channels) Welcome to my world.
MR: Bryan said –
TW: Michael, so help me I will –
KK: (Stops flipping, stares intently at television screen) Silence!
(TW+MR): What?
KK: (Still staring at screen) There is a promo for the Battlestar Galactica spin-off during Eureka.
MR: I love that show!
TW: Poor Allison. Has anyone heard –
KK: (Staring at screen) I said silence!
Battlestar Galactica music stars. Text appears on a blank screen.
All of this
(Nude woman lying on her right side on a doctor’s table. We see her leg, hip and back from behind. She has pale white skin and long red hair. A man is standing over her, looking down at her.)
Woman: Who am I?
MR: Woot! Naked women!All of this
(Nude woman lying on her right side on a doctor’s table. We see her leg, hip and back from behind. She has pale white skin and long red hair. A man is standing over her, looking down at her.)
Woman: Who am I?
TW: Hey now.
ED: I remember when I got to be naked on television. (Cries, eats more pork rinds)
KK: No talking!
(Office. One man is sitting at a desk. Another is standing speaking to him.)
Standing man: Mr. President, you cannot go through with this!
President: Justice Adama, the nice thing about being President is that I can do anything I want.
(Warehouse. A bearded man on a stage is speaking to a crowd of men and women. They are all dressed in rough, dirty clothing.)
Bearded Man: They took our jobs! They took our homes!
(Shipyard. Several craft that look like early versions of the Vipers fill the field. Figures can be seen working on them from a distance. A man and a woman in uniform are talking.)
Man: Chief, I have a bad feeling about this.
Woman: What do you mean, Atkins?
Has happened before
(Medical office)
Doctor: You are special. Unique.
Woman: (Sits up)
Standing man: Mr. President, you cannot go through with this!
President: Justice Adama, the nice thing about being President is that I can do anything I want.
(Warehouse. A bearded man on a stage is speaking to a crowd of men and women. They are all dressed in rough, dirty clothing.)
Bearded Man: They took our jobs! They took our homes!
(Shipyard. Several craft that look like early versions of the Vipers fill the field. Figures can be seen working on them from a distance. A man and a woman in uniform are talking.)
Man: Chief, I have a bad feeling about this.
Woman: What do you mean, Atkins?
Has happened before
(Medical office)
Doctor: You are special. Unique.
Woman: (Sits up)
MR: Yeah she is.
ED: This is so unfair! Maxim said I was -
MR+TW: The sexiest Lois ever.
MR: Not if you keep putting those pork rinds away
KK: Shut up you morons!
(President’s office)
Justice Adama: You are an elected official, not an emperor! You cannot order the military to attack our own people!
(Warehouse)
Bearded Man: It is time we took back what is ours!
(Airfield)
Atkins: They are… I could swear those tin cans are thinking.
(Zoom in close on a Viper. It is being repaired by robots.)
All of this
(Doctor’s office)
Doctor: You are the first of your kind. A Cylon that looks human. (He touches the Woman’s arm.) Feels human.
Woman: No. I am… more than that
TW: A what?Justice Adama: You are an elected official, not an emperor! You cannot order the military to attack our own people!
(Warehouse)
Bearded Man: It is time we took back what is ours!
(Airfield)
Atkins: They are… I could swear those tin cans are thinking.
(Zoom in close on a Viper. It is being repaired by robots.)
All of this
(Doctor’s office)
Doctor: You are the first of your kind. A Cylon that looks human. (He touches the Woman’s arm.) Feels human.
Woman: No. I am… more than that
KK: A Cylon. She a robot.
MR: Not just a robot! A naked woman robot!
ED: Damn, even I never got to be naked for that long. I need to get her agent.
(President’s Office)
President: (Stands up) I will do what is necessary to hold the twelve colonies together!
(Warehouse)
Bearded Man: We will fight! We will show them that we will not be used and thrown aside!
(President’s Office)
President: If that means sending in the military to put down rebels, then I will do it!
TW: What is going on with all this political stuff?President: (Stands up) I will do what is necessary to hold the twelve colonies together!
(Warehouse)
Bearded Man: We will fight! We will show them that we will not be used and thrown aside!
(President’s Office)
President: If that means sending in the military to put down rebels, then I will do it!
ED: And people complain our plots don’t make sense.
KK: Will you shut your damn mouths for two minutes? I am trying to watch this!
MR: Do the women robots on this show ever explode?
KK: No! (Pause) Well, they do occasionally set off nuclear bombs.
MR: I am so on the wrong show.
Continued...
Showdown
TW: You fire Allison, crash her party, knock out all her guests... and expect me to wear the suit!?
BS: [Walks calmly towards TW] The suit is your destiny, Tom.
TW: [Backs up until pinned up against the bar.]
BS: Just look at the suit, Tom. Look at it!
[TW averts his gaze and jumps behind the bar. He pulls out the spritzer hose and aims it at BS]
TW: Stay away from me! You're a maniac! [Starts spraying BS in the chest but BS continues to calmly walk closer and closer]
BS: Behold the power of the suit, Tom.
[BS stops when the two of them are almost eye to eye.]
BS: Face it, Tom. It's over. [BS holds his hand out for the spritzer hose]
[A crowd gathers round the chaos. They murmur expectantly]
TW: No! [Aims the spritzer at BS's face] Give us back our show!
[TW squeezes the trigger in slow motion the stream of water shoots towards BS's eye, hits it and bounces off. TW's eyes widen in shook.]
BS: [Bends down, covering his eye] Dammit! That hurt!
TW: [Horrified, TW drops the hose.] Bryan.. I'm sorry!
BS: [Bitter shock] That's never how it happened in the movie!
TW: Are you OK?
BS: Dammit!
TW: Can I get you a towel?
BS: [Stands up still covering one eye] You've shattered my illusions, Welling!
TW: [Picks up and offers a napkin from the bar] A napkin?
BS: [BS grabs at the suit and rips it down the front as he lets out a primal yell.] Are you happy now!
[TW stares in disbelief]
TW: Did you just... rip a Superman suit?
BS: I had faith in you Welling! I brought you the suit. But you wouldn't take it. You are no Superman!
TW: You're wrong, Bryan. I am Superman. With the suit or without it.
[One man in the crowd starts clapping.]
BS: This isn't the end, Welling!
[Slowly other customers join in the clapping.]
Crowd: Well-ing! Well-ing! Well-ing!
BS: [Pointing at TW] You're going to suffer, man! You're going to suffer!
[BS stomps off in tears as the crowd moves in to congratulate TW and works on reviving the other cast members. ED is the first to wake.]
ED: [Holding her head] Ow! [Looks around] Oh my god, what just happened?
Barkeep: [Rushing in from the kitchen in a panic] Here's the boiling water! Where's the baby?
ED: [Looks at TW] Did Bryan...?
TW: [Smiles and offers ED his hand to help her up] You don't even want to know.
ED: [Smiles back and takes his hand.] Let me guess. I got knocked out and you saved the day.
TW: [Blushes. He pulls ED to her feet.]
ED: If someone else gets that part in the Justice League movie they gave it to the wrong guy.
TW: Thanks.
ED: [Winks] Your welcome. [Calling to the crowd] Somebody wake up Annette! She owes Allison a song.
Next
BS: [Walks calmly towards TW] The suit is your destiny, Tom.
TW: [Backs up until pinned up against the bar.]
BS: Just look at the suit, Tom. Look at it!
[TW averts his gaze and jumps behind the bar. He pulls out the spritzer hose and aims it at BS]
TW: Stay away from me! You're a maniac! [Starts spraying BS in the chest but BS continues to calmly walk closer and closer]
BS: Behold the power of the suit, Tom.
[BS stops when the two of them are almost eye to eye.]
BS: Face it, Tom. It's over. [BS holds his hand out for the spritzer hose]
[A crowd gathers round the chaos. They murmur expectantly]
TW: No! [Aims the spritzer at BS's face] Give us back our show!
[TW squeezes the trigger in slow motion the stream of water shoots towards BS's eye, hits it and bounces off. TW's eyes widen in shook.]
BS: [Bends down, covering his eye] Dammit! That hurt!
TW: [Horrified, TW drops the hose.] Bryan.. I'm sorry!
BS: [Bitter shock] That's never how it happened in the movie!
TW: Are you OK?
BS: Dammit!
TW: Can I get you a towel?
BS: [Stands up still covering one eye] You've shattered my illusions, Welling!
TW: [Picks up and offers a napkin from the bar] A napkin?
BS: [BS grabs at the suit and rips it down the front as he lets out a primal yell.] Are you happy now!
[TW stares in disbelief]
TW: Did you just... rip a Superman suit?
BS: I had faith in you Welling! I brought you the suit. But you wouldn't take it. You are no Superman!
TW: You're wrong, Bryan. I am Superman. With the suit or without it.
[One man in the crowd starts clapping.]
BS: This isn't the end, Welling!
[Slowly other customers join in the clapping.]
Crowd: Well-ing! Well-ing! Well-ing!
BS: [Pointing at TW] You're going to suffer, man! You're going to suffer!
[BS stomps off in tears as the crowd moves in to congratulate TW and works on reviving the other cast members. ED is the first to wake.]
ED: [Holding her head] Ow! [Looks around] Oh my god, what just happened?
Barkeep: [Rushing in from the kitchen in a panic] Here's the boiling water! Where's the baby?
ED: [Looks at TW] Did Bryan...?
TW: [Smiles and offers ED his hand to help her up] You don't even want to know.
ED: [Smiles back and takes his hand.] Let me guess. I got knocked out and you saved the day.
TW: [Blushes. He pulls ED to her feet.]
ED: If someone else gets that part in the Justice League movie they gave it to the wrong guy.
TW: Thanks.
ED: [Winks] Your welcome. [Calling to the crowd] Somebody wake up Annette! She owes Allison a song.
Next
And then there were eight
[MR and BS walk up to the rest of the cast. It becomes clear the suit is way to big for him]
MR: Hey, guys! Look who else is here!
JG: Lovely.
MR: [Offering BS a shot] Have a drink.
BS: [Waves him off] Can't. Makes me hyper. [Sticks his arm out for a handshake] John! Long time, no see.
JG: [Refusing BS's hand] No thanks!
BS: Hah! Fooled you once shame on me, fooled you twice shame on you! [Tousles JG's hair to JG's great irritation] You're alright, man!
MR: I Love the suit!
KK: It seems a little big, doesn't it?
BS: You like it? It's Tom's!
TW: Mine?
[JG starts sneaking off towards the pool tables]
BS: I know we talked about it but I had costuming go ahead and put one together anyway.
TW: You what!?!
BS: I wanted to be the first to wear it. [Waves at a couple walking by staring at him] Hi there! [Back to TW] See? People love it!
TW: But I...
BS: I know what you said but I knew the instant you saw how good it looked on me you just couldn't resist wearing it.
[ED & AM off to the side. ED is hiding behind AM.]
ED: You know if if I'm shown on screen pregnant I can say goodbye to any more Maxim layouts!
AM: Boo freakin' hoo.
TW: Actually it's in my contract...
BS: Screw your contract!
ED: He's going to ruin it all!
AM: He already has, if you ask me.
ED: I was going to be remembered as sexiest Lois Lane! Now I'm going remembered as the pregnant Lois Lane!
TW: You can't just...
BS: You signed a waiver when you tried out for Supes in the Justice League movie! It supersedes your Smallville contract.
ED: Is he gone yet?
AM: No.
TW: That try-out was supposed to be secret!
BS: They thought it would soften the blow of losing my Superman Returns sequel.
ED: Does it look like he's going to leave?
AM: No.
MR: They canned your sequel!?! That's total bullshit!
BS: It's not a total loss.
KK: What do you mean?
ED: [Eying an exit] Would you be insulted if I left your party early?
AM: No.
BS: They're going to let me do everything I planned for the sequel with Smallville!
TW: [Under his breath to AoT] OK, let them kill Bryan too.
[AoT nods]
MR: Sweet! Do we get the budget too?
BS: Unfortunately, no.
ED: Cool. Bye. Have fun on your new show, did you ever find out what it is?
AM: No. I'm supposed to show up for shooting tomorrow.
ED: Well, have fun on your new show, whatever it is.
AM: [Glum] Thanks.
[ED Downs her last shot before getting up to leave.]
BS: [Noticing ED] Erica! Hey!
ED: [Slowly turns back around.] Hello, Bryan.
AoT: [Aside to AM] Tom says you can take out Bryan.
AM: But...
BS: [Walking up in between ED and AM] Is that a shot glass in your hand?
ED: [ED guiltily places the shot glass back on the bar] No.
AoT: You heard what the man said. He's going to turn Smallville into the Superman Returns sequel!
AM: So?
BS: Have you been drinking?
ED: [Defiant] Yes, Bryan. I've been drinking and there is nothing you can do about it!
AoT: Did you see Martha in his movie? He's going to make me dye my hair gray and put on wrinkly makeup!
AM: But is that enough to...?
BS: You know that's harmful, don't you?
ED: [ED's jaw tightens] Don't you dare go there, Bryan.
AoT: You heard me, woman! Bryan Singer must die!
AM: [Pulling a taser out of her purse] OK!
BS: For the baby? [Yelling at the barkeep while pointing at ED] You need to cut this woman off! She's in a delicate way!
[ED and AM simultaneously lunge for BS who suddenly ducks. AM tasers ED on accident and ED starts shaking]
AM: Dammit!
BS: [Standing back up] Hey! A penny! Shiny! [Spots ED shaking from the taser shock] Oh my God! Is there a doctor in the house!?!? This woman is in labor!
AM: [AM tries to taser BS but her taser is still recharging] Dammit!
BS: Allison, don't just stand there! Help your friend! Somebody boil some water!
[ED falls to the floor as JG bounds across the room with a pool stick in hand. JG moves to whack BS against the side of his head.]
BS: [Stooping to position ED's legs into a birthing pose even though ED is wearing jeans] Don't worry, Erica! I know what I'm doing!
KK: What the hell are you doing?
[JG swings and misses BS and instead hits KK in the back of the head with his follow through snapping the pool cue in two. KK is down for the count.]
JG: [Looking at the broken cue.] Dammit! [Heads back to the pool tables]
AM: [Her taser finally recharged, AM aims for BS] Ah, ha!
MR: [Steps between AM & BS] I can't let you taser Bryan!
[AM scowls at MR]
BS: Push, Erica, push!
TW: Bryan, the woman isn't even pregnant!
MR: He doesn't mean any harm.
[AM contemplates her taser]
BS: Oh my god! She's lost consciousness! We need to get this woman to a hospital!
[AM tries to move around MR but he moves to block her.]
MR: He doesn't deserve it.
[AM and MR stare each other down for a few seconds. BS starts giving ED mouth to mouth.]
AM: You're right, he doesn't deserve it.
MR: I'm glad you're finally seeing reason.
AM: You do!
[AM Tasers MR. He falls to the floor.]
BS: [Panicked] Dammit, she's not responding!
AM: [Smiles] That felt good. [Her taser out of charge, AM tosses it aside.]
BS: We're losing her! I don't think we can get her to a hospital in time!
TW: She doesn't need to go to the hospital, Bryan. Allison tasered her.
AM: It was an accident!
TW: And Michael?
AM: [Guilty pause] That was an accident too.
BS: Oh, I know! [BS stands and grabs AoT]
AoT: Bryan, what the hell are you doing?
TW: Yes. What the hell are you doing?
[BS lifts AoT over his head and starts spinning her around.]
BS: I saw this in the Superman movie! I call it the time machine! If I spin you around fast enough we can go back in time and get Erica to the hospital!
TW: Put her down!
AoT: Allison, help me! I think I'm going to be sick!
[AM Lunges for BS but gets knocked out when he swings AoT into her.
TW: Bryan, this has gone far enough!
BS: You think? [Lets go of AoT who flies across the bar.]
AoT: Help!
[AoT careens into JG just as he returns with another pool cue, knocking the both of them out.]
TW: [Clenches his fists and narrows his eyes] Yes, I do!
Continued...
MR: Hey, guys! Look who else is here!
JG: Lovely.
MR: [Offering BS a shot] Have a drink.
BS: [Waves him off] Can't. Makes me hyper. [Sticks his arm out for a handshake] John! Long time, no see.
JG: [Refusing BS's hand] No thanks!
BS: Hah! Fooled you once shame on me, fooled you twice shame on you! [Tousles JG's hair to JG's great irritation] You're alright, man!
MR: I Love the suit!
KK: It seems a little big, doesn't it?
BS: You like it? It's Tom's!
TW: Mine?
[JG starts sneaking off towards the pool tables]
BS: I know we talked about it but I had costuming go ahead and put one together anyway.
TW: You what!?!
BS: I wanted to be the first to wear it. [Waves at a couple walking by staring at him] Hi there! [Back to TW] See? People love it!
TW: But I...
BS: I know what you said but I knew the instant you saw how good it looked on me you just couldn't resist wearing it.
[ED & AM off to the side. ED is hiding behind AM.]
ED: You know if if I'm shown on screen pregnant I can say goodbye to any more Maxim layouts!
AM: Boo freakin' hoo.
TW: Actually it's in my contract...
BS: Screw your contract!
ED: He's going to ruin it all!
AM: He already has, if you ask me.
ED: I was going to be remembered as sexiest Lois Lane! Now I'm going remembered as the pregnant Lois Lane!
TW: You can't just...
BS: You signed a waiver when you tried out for Supes in the Justice League movie! It supersedes your Smallville contract.
ED: Is he gone yet?
AM: No.
TW: That try-out was supposed to be secret!
BS: They thought it would soften the blow of losing my Superman Returns sequel.
ED: Does it look like he's going to leave?
AM: No.
MR: They canned your sequel!?! That's total bullshit!
BS: It's not a total loss.
KK: What do you mean?
ED: [Eying an exit] Would you be insulted if I left your party early?
AM: No.
BS: They're going to let me do everything I planned for the sequel with Smallville!
TW: [Under his breath to AoT] OK, let them kill Bryan too.
[AoT nods]
MR: Sweet! Do we get the budget too?
BS: Unfortunately, no.
ED: Cool. Bye. Have fun on your new show, did you ever find out what it is?
AM: No. I'm supposed to show up for shooting tomorrow.
ED: Well, have fun on your new show, whatever it is.
AM: [Glum] Thanks.
[ED Downs her last shot before getting up to leave.]
BS: [Noticing ED] Erica! Hey!
ED: [Slowly turns back around.] Hello, Bryan.
AoT: [Aside to AM] Tom says you can take out Bryan.
AM: But...
BS: [Walking up in between ED and AM] Is that a shot glass in your hand?
ED: [ED guiltily places the shot glass back on the bar] No.
AoT: You heard what the man said. He's going to turn Smallville into the Superman Returns sequel!
AM: So?
BS: Have you been drinking?
ED: [Defiant] Yes, Bryan. I've been drinking and there is nothing you can do about it!
AoT: Did you see Martha in his movie? He's going to make me dye my hair gray and put on wrinkly makeup!
AM: But is that enough to...?
BS: You know that's harmful, don't you?
ED: [ED's jaw tightens] Don't you dare go there, Bryan.
AoT: You heard me, woman! Bryan Singer must die!
AM: [Pulling a taser out of her purse] OK!
BS: For the baby? [Yelling at the barkeep while pointing at ED] You need to cut this woman off! She's in a delicate way!
[ED and AM simultaneously lunge for BS who suddenly ducks. AM tasers ED on accident and ED starts shaking]
AM: Dammit!
BS: [Standing back up] Hey! A penny! Shiny! [Spots ED shaking from the taser shock] Oh my God! Is there a doctor in the house!?!? This woman is in labor!
AM: [AM tries to taser BS but her taser is still recharging] Dammit!
BS: Allison, don't just stand there! Help your friend! Somebody boil some water!
[ED falls to the floor as JG bounds across the room with a pool stick in hand. JG moves to whack BS against the side of his head.]
BS: [Stooping to position ED's legs into a birthing pose even though ED is wearing jeans] Don't worry, Erica! I know what I'm doing!
KK: What the hell are you doing?
[JG swings and misses BS and instead hits KK in the back of the head with his follow through snapping the pool cue in two. KK is down for the count.]
JG: [Looking at the broken cue.] Dammit! [Heads back to the pool tables]
AM: [Her taser finally recharged, AM aims for BS] Ah, ha!
MR: [Steps between AM & BS] I can't let you taser Bryan!
[AM scowls at MR]
BS: Push, Erica, push!
TW: Bryan, the woman isn't even pregnant!
MR: He doesn't mean any harm.
[AM contemplates her taser]
BS: Oh my god! She's lost consciousness! We need to get this woman to a hospital!
[AM tries to move around MR but he moves to block her.]
MR: He doesn't deserve it.
[AM and MR stare each other down for a few seconds. BS starts giving ED mouth to mouth.]
AM: You're right, he doesn't deserve it.
MR: I'm glad you're finally seeing reason.
AM: You do!
[AM Tasers MR. He falls to the floor.]
BS: [Panicked] Dammit, she's not responding!
AM: [Smiles] That felt good. [Her taser out of charge, AM tosses it aside.]
BS: We're losing her! I don't think we can get her to a hospital in time!
TW: She doesn't need to go to the hospital, Bryan. Allison tasered her.
AM: It was an accident!
TW: And Michael?
AM: [Guilty pause] That was an accident too.
BS: Oh, I know! [BS stands and grabs AoT]
AoT: Bryan, what the hell are you doing?
TW: Yes. What the hell are you doing?
[BS lifts AoT over his head and starts spinning her around.]
BS: I saw this in the Superman movie! I call it the time machine! If I spin you around fast enough we can go back in time and get Erica to the hospital!
TW: Put her down!
AoT: Allison, help me! I think I'm going to be sick!
[AM Lunges for BS but gets knocked out when he swings AoT into her.
TW: Bryan, this has gone far enough!
BS: You think? [Lets go of AoT who flies across the bar.]
AoT: Help!
[AoT careens into JG just as he returns with another pool cue, knocking the both of them out.]
TW: [Clenches his fists and narrows his eyes] Yes, I do!
Continued...
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