Heart of Dorkiness (Finale)

as retold by RepairmanBob

(Cast is in the writing room)
KK: So why are we here again?
TW: Bryan said he wanted to meet with us to discuss his ideas for the show.
MR: I like him.
JG: Quiet you!
MR: You’re just mad he kicked your ass.
JG: That scrawny little punk did not kick my ass! He drugged me!
AM: Ha!
JG: Wait, how do you know about that?
MR: Bryan and I hung out for a few hours and ate chili fries. Chili fries rule! (Holds hand up for high five.) Wow, no love for chili fries. Anyway, he mentioned that you came by to talk to about bringing Jimmy back, John. “Kneeling before Zod.” Hehehe.
AoT: I don’t know if physically assaulting a cast member is a sign of good leadership, Michael.
TW: Hello?
AM: Come again?
AoT: I am just saying, a leader should be able to find other ways to relate to his people.
ED: You threaten me all the time! You threatened to suplex me on the way to this meeting!
AoT: (Smiles) Ah, the backdrop driver. Always a classic.
MR: Actually Annette, Bryan told me he had a great meeting with you.
AoT: (Pales slightly) He did?
MR: Bryan was excited that you were so… passionate about your role.
AM: (Looks between AM and MR) We need to talk, Michael.
ED: Well, I am pissed! Bryan said I looked too old to be Lois! Maxim said I was the sexiest Lois ever!
KK: How nice for you.
ED: I am not too old to play Lois!
TW: Well, how old is Lois on Smallville?
ED: Twenty-ummmm
AM: (Smirks) I’m sorry, I couldn’t make that out.
ED: Twenty-ehhhummm.
JG: Come again?
ED: Twenty-two! Lois is twenty-two!
MR: Damn. Bryan is totally – oww!
TW: Wrong, Erica. He is totally wrong.
ED: Thanks, Tom.
MR: (To TW) Why did you kick me?
TW: (To MR) That was Kristin.
KK: (To MR) You owe me.
AM: Well, I can’t wait to see what Bryan has to say. We had a long talk about some new ideas for Smallville.
KK: I swear, if you got him to reset to show and bring Lana back again, I will –
JG: I get concerned when you talk to producers, Allison.
ED: Big talk from the man who got my show cancelled.
JG: My show!
AM: Relax, Kristin. We have a deal. Bryan and I agree Lana should be dead.
KK: Just remember that.
AM: By the way, when is your episode of Supernatural set to be filmed?
KK: (Looks suspicious) Why?
AM: I was thinking we could get some folks from the CW and Smallville magazine to go out and take some pictures and interviews. Get some press for your next project, and free publicity for the show.
KK: Wow, that is really nice of you. (Frowns.) What are you planning?
AM: I just want what is best for the show.

BS: (Runs through the door) And tell legal I am taking care of it. Yes, Dawn, I know they are suing. How can that shitty little network threaten us? Oh right, NBC owns them. Did you know NBC shows Heroes? I love hero sandwiches! (Hangs up.) Hi guys! Great to see you all! I loved meeting with everyone, and I want to tell you what we will be doing on Smallville! I watched all the episodes, and I have some great ideas!
KK: You watched all six seasons in a week?
AoT: He is not human.
BS: OK, first the good news. I talked to the DVD department, and if you all do episode commentaries, they will re-release the season sets.
JG: And why would I waste my valuable time –
BS: Did I forget to mention that you get residuals from the new sets?
(Cast cheers)
BS: I always forget things. I wrote a list of what I wanted to talk about for this meeting, but I lost it. I think I dropped it when I found a penny. Pennies are shiny! Shiny games made a crappy Matrix game! The Matrix sequels sucked! Oh, that’s right, things that suck! Clark and Lana together suck!
TW: Oh, God yes.
BS: Promise was worse than Rush Hour! Anyway, Lana stays dead! No more Clana!
KK: I think I love you.
BS: Next thing. I looked at the budget, and with some creative cuts we will have more money for episodes. The episode budgets are being boosted! I love boost drinks! Hey, does anyone want a drink?
JG: Me.
AoT: More money for the episodes?
MR: Excellent!
BS: And I want to direct a few episodes this year! Does anyone else?
TW+MR+AM: (Raise hands)
BS: Great! We can cut director salaries for some episodes and put it back into the episodes! Directing is fun! Like racing mopeds and exploring cultural themes in medieval architecture! And puppies!
TW: Bryan, this is wonderful. I think I speak for all of us, when I say this is –
BS: Wait, wait, wait! Here are the best things! Clark is going to date Lois!
ED+TW: What!
BS: For the Spring sweeps, Lois will be pregnant with Clark’s baby! Everyone loves babies!
KK: Ha!
AoT: Oh, God.
BS: It will be just like my movie! Did you all know I made a movie?
AM: Bryan, remember what we talked about? The dvds?
TW: We tried a pregnancy arc last year, Bryan. It was…
MR: (Shaing head) Bad. So bad.
JG: Horrible.
AM: Miserable.
KK: I kind of liked it.
AM: The whole show was based around you! Everyone was dumb so Lana would look good!
KK: Which is why I liked it.
ED: No way! No fucking way! I am not wearing a baby belly! I am not covering up this body in pregnancy clothing!
AoT: Well, Lana do not show at five months.
ED: In that case – No!
BS: I am glad you are all excited about this! Next plan – Martha Kent goes back to the farm!
AoT: What?
BS: Martha should be baking pies, not making laws!
AoT: That is bullshit!
JG: Annette, we can work with this. Maybe she leaves to be with Lionel.
BS: Oh, thanks for remind me! Martha should not be with Lana’s dad!
JG: I do not play Lana’s dad!
BS: Whatever. Martha should be alone, mourning Jonathan! Lots of crying and cooking pies for Clark! And cleaning manure from the cows!
MR+AM: Ha!
JG+AoT: Bullshit!
BS: Yes, she cleans up bullshit! Terrific! OK, Lex is getting a new sidekick.
MR: Sidekicks rule! (MR and BS high five)
KK+AM: Morons.
MR: Mercy? Wonder Woman? Oh, Lady Shiva!
BS: Otis!
MR: Otis?
ED+AM+KK: Otis rules! (ED+KK+AM high five)
MR: No! Otis does not rule! This is not cool! I want Mercy and Wonder Woman and -
BS: Yeah, Otis!
TW: Great, he is channeling Pete.
BS: Now for Clark!
TW: Oh no.
BS: We are going with tights and flight!
TW: No.
BS: Tights and flight!
TW: Hell no.
BS: Tights and flight!
TW: Fuck no.
BS: Tights and flight will drive DVD sales!
KK+ED+AM+MR+JG: Tights and flight!
TW: I hate you all.
BS: (Stands up, walks to door.) Well, this was fun! I am so happy you all like my new ideas! I will be sending you notes on the changes for your upcoming episodes!
AM: (Stands up) Bryan, do you have anything else you want to talk about? Like maybe those changes we talked about for Chloe Sullivan?
BS: Thanks for reminding me! Episode 7.11 will be Chloe’s last episode! We are killing her off for a big sweeps episode! Huge ratings!
KK: Ha!
TW+MR: Huh?
ED: What? I am confused.
AM: (Looks shocked) She is what?
KK: Relax, Allison. You get your full salary for just writing the episodes.
AM: (Mouth open, stunned)
MR: We will just bring Chloe back. Right, Tom?
TW: We will set something up for 7.12.
BS: Actually, you won’t. Allison’s is fired, effective 7.11.
TW+ED+MR: What the fuck?
AM: (Mouth open, stunned)
AoT+JG: (Look at each other, hide under table)
BS: This was fun! TTFN (Bounces out, singing "The Wonderful Thing About Tiggers" song.)
MR: This sucks!
ED: Yeah, I don’t want to be pregnant!
KK: You really are this dense, aren’t you?
TW: Allison, we will talk to him. This is not fair.
MR: Allison, say something.
AM: I need a drink.

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