as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
KK: Lionel's cellphone rings. Cut to a closeup as he fishes it out of his jacket and answers it. "Yes? Yes, I know about that. And that...you're not telling me anything I don't already know." John, could you?
JG: From the phone, "Hey, I never expected the two of them to hook up, y'know?" We move to Ferret sitting in a stereotypical greasy dive, talking on a cell phone.
ED: Someone was surprised Clark hooked up with the first alien he saw?
AoT: Apparently Ferret has never watched Smallville.
JG: "I honestly had no idea that was going to happen, Mr. Luthor."
KK: Cut back to Lionel, and back-and-forth cuts for the remainder of the conversation. "Yes, well...has my son been informed?"
JG: "I don't know. I've been dealing with his attack-dog assistant...but I imagine he's clued in by now."
KK: "And what about Lobo?"
JG: "Lobo? Well--"
AoT: A large hand reaches into the shot and takes the phone. Pan over to reveal that it's Lobo himself. "Hate to say I didn't get a job done, but hey--it happens, chief."
KK: "I was counting on you."
AoT: "Yeah, well, I'm sorry. I'm more sorry that this little party planet's gonna be a crispy critter, though...Master Frag really digs the food here."
ED: And the locals.
KK: "What are you talking about?"
AoT: "Nobody said anything about Darkseid being involved, man. See, Lobo lives by two rules: the rule of the road, and the rule about not getting in the way of crazy fraggers with space-based wrecking balls. And that's what Darkseid is, man, and Earth's the building he's gonna demolish. So I'm out of here, and I suggest you do the same thing. Hasta!"
KK: "Wait, you--"
AoT: Lobo hangs up, hands the phone back to Ferret, and walks out of the dive. Ferret just looks at the phone and shakes his head. He hangs up. Cut back to the wide shot of Lionel and MM. Lionel looks concerned.
AoT: "Lionel Luthor. You seem troubled."
KK: Lionel gathers himself, shakes his head. "It's all right, J'onn. But it does seem that...a peaceful solution to the Darkseid issue may have eluded us."
ED: Wait, so Lionel was behind all of this?
JG: isn't it wonderful? He sent Ferret to Lex, once again manipulating his idiot son, all the while outsmarting MM! Lionel
ED: But that doesn't make any sense!
JG: Of course it does! Lionel gets to manipulate Lex!
ED: But why would Lionel want to trick Lex? Why does Lionel want Lex to be in change of the earth's alien response team? Why is Lionel lying to MM?
[AoT & KK & JG look at each other]
ED: It doesn't make any sense!
JG: Lionel beat Lex! That is all I care about!
AoT: MM is silent.
KK: "I suppose we'll have to sleep on it. Good night, J'onn."
AoT: "Good night, Lionel Luthor." MM flies up and out of sight. Pan around Lionel to a side shot of him looking up at the starry night sky as MM's familiar red glow fades. Cut to credits.
KK: My last, greatest script is complete. Take that, Welling!
AoT: I just hope Tom is able to look at this as learning experience.
JG: Yes, the lesson being that he needs to get rid of those fucking producers!
ED: [Standing up] I can't believe you two still think Tom was the one who ruined your promos. Are you really that dumb?
AoT: [Jaw drops]
JG: [Looks shocked] Did you... did you just call us dumb?
ED: Look at it like a crime. What is Tom's motive?
KK: What are you babbling about?
ED: I am trying out for a new crime show on USA during the summer hiatus, so I've been watching lots of Law & Order and CSI.
JG: What are you talking about?
ED: [Looks excited] It's called Bikini Justice! I am up for the role of the assistant district attorney in change of beach crimes!
AoT: Can we get back to the part where you had the unmitigated gall to call me dumb?
ED: Oh, yeah. What's Tom's motive for ruining our promos? How does he benefit?
KK: I'll tell you how! Tom has a stick up his ass, and wants us all to suffer!
AoT & JG: Yeah!
ED: Wrong! Tom wants Smallville to be successful and for Dawn to leave him alone. He tried to stop the promos because we went over budget.
KK: He didn't just try to stop the promos! He told the producers where we were doing them, so they could ruin everything!
ED: But why would Tom do that?
JG: Because he hates when we have any fun!
AoT: Because he was jealous of our creativity!
KK: Because he sucks!
ED: Are you three high?
JG: [Shrugs] Well, I did eat some brownies Allison baked this morning.
ED: [Shakes her head] Think about it! Yes, Tom was pissed that we blew the budget for his next episode on our promos. But why have Singer and those other assholes ruin them after we got started?
KK: Because he is a jerk!
ED: We already spent the money! At least if the commercials were finished, he would have something to show Dawn! But now, Tom has no promos, the show is out a ton of money –
JG: Male strippers are not cheap.
AoT: Not good ones, anyway.
ED - the budget for Confession is still screwed, and Dawn is more pissed off than ever!
KK: That has to the absolutely, positively, hands down, the most –
AoT: [Shocked expression] Intelligent thing you have every said, Erica.
JG & KK: What?
AoT: She's right. Tom has always put the good o the show over personal vendettas.
JG: I never could understand that kind of thinking.
KK: Tom isn't thinking clearly! He wanted us to suffer!
ED: What is this "us" crap, Kristin? Lana's dead! Did you even do a commercial?
JG: My Lord, Erica is right.
KK: No! It was Tom!
ED: Ask yourself: Who benefits from all of our promos being trashed? Who wants Tom to suffer, and is willing to sacrifice the rest of us to do it? Who is such a complete asshole that they would fuck with the entire show just for their own amusement?
KK: [Shifts uncomfortably]
AoT: [Looks at JG]
JG: Oh, come now, Annette. Would I really ruin my own promo?
AoT: No, I suppose not.
ED: Who is enough of a bastard that they would sell us out to Singer and the other producers like that?
KK: [Stands, heads for the door.] I have to go do... stuff. Important stuff. [Runs out]
ED: Bye, Kristin!
AoT & JG: [Look at each other, then look at a fleeing KK]
AoT: You don't suppose...
JG: Even by our standards...
AoT: Even you would not stoop that low. Well, not without some kind of financial compensation.
JG: Well, that goes without saying.
ED: [Looks out window] Is Kristin driving a new car?
Next
Bounty by KK & AoT Part XI
as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AoT: Cut to the Senator, as he pulls a briefcase out from behind a chair and opens it to remove a manila folder. He hands it to Lex. "Right now, we're calling it Athena. Military units, covert intelligence, research...all under one umbrella, specifically dealing with alien or high-level mutant threats. And we've already chosen the person we want to run it...you."
KK: "Me?"
JG: Lex? They are giving control of this project to Lex? What the hell?
AoT: "For lack of a better phrase: we can't think of anyone else who is genuinely qualified to run it."
JG: I find that hard to believe!
AoT: "It's not a completely done deal yet, the President still has to run it by his supporters--but it's looking very real." The Senator stands up. "Do you accept the position, Lex?"
KK: Lex stands up, takes the Senator's outstretched hand. "I accept, Senator Chandra."
JG: This is absurd! It would be like Erica wining an Emmy!
ED: Hey!
KK: Hey, this was all Annette's idea.
AoT: Michael is writing two of the final four episodes, so I thought it best to throw him a bone. In any case, we need this to set up Lionel's final scene.
JG: But Lex lost again! Lobo went on a big gay rampage with Clark! In the last episode, Clark beat Lex to a pulp and Chloe threatened him! How can the government give him anything?
KK: No one said the government in Smallville was very bright, John.
AoT: "Excellent. I'll pass the word up the chain...you'll probably get some calls about this in the morning. Now, I need to get back to D.C...thanks for the drink, Lex."
KK: "Thank you, Senator." Senator Chandra retrieves his briefcase and exits. Pan over as Lex goes to stand by the fireplace and Hope walks over to him.
AoT: "What was that about?"
KK: "Athena...a new government division created specifically to deal with alien threats. They want me to run it."
JG: [Grumbles] Lionel could run a project like this in his sleep.
AoT: "Which is exactly what you wanted, isn't it?"
KK: "I would have been happy as just a primary independent backer, Hope. There's no way they wouldn't have given me that. But actually running something like this...something which apparently has international support..."
AoT: "Which means even more access to the government, the military--"
KK: "And having carte blanche to deal with anything that poses a significant threat to mankind." Lex finishes off his drink."
AoT: "Congratulations, Lex."
KK: "Thank you, Hope." He frowns. "But since you're here...and Mr. Ferret isn't..."
AoT: "I couldn't find him. But he left this package for you at LuthorCorp..." Hope walks over and sets a large box down on Lex's desk. Lex follows.
KK: "What is it?"
ED: Farmboy porn?
KK: That is what I suggested.
AoT: "I don't know. But it has a fingerprint scanner, and no one at LuthorCorp was able to override it."
KK: Lex looks down at the box, then places a finger on a raised oval on its top. Cut to a closeup of the scanner reading his fingerprint, then it beeps and the top of the box pops open slightly; at the same time, a recording of Ferret's voice begins playing. John, could you do Ferret again?
JG: "Mr. Luthor...I honestly had no idea things would go the way they did. Lobo has never failed a job before, y'know? Never! And he comes here and actually gets pally with his target? I'm so sorry, Mr. Luthor, and this is my way of saying 'Hey, my boy messed up, let me at least try to make it right.'"
KK: Cut to a reverse shot of Lex opening the box, its lid blocking most of the shot, and looking surprised at its contents. Pan up as Lex lifts what appears to be a oblong device out of the box.
JG: He gave Lex an alien dildo?
AoT: Ferret certainly does know the way to Lex's heart.
ED: Through his ass?
AoT: [Smacks ED on the back of the head]
JG: "Folks I got this from call it a ‘boom tube', Mr. Luthor. It makes them portals what'll get you from here-to-there right quick. I don't know how all it works – I'm just a humble middleman, you understand – but I was thinkin' a smart man like yerself could find a use for it."
KK: Lex and Hope stare at it for a few seconds. Reverse shot from slightly off Lex's POV, showing the device has six circular depressions on its upper surface and is marked with the Apokoliptian symbol.
JG: "Hopefully, this will ease things up between us. I like you, Mr. Luthor, and I hope to work with you again in the future. Have a good evenin'." This is unacceptable! Lex fails miserably and is rewarded for it! How does that make any sense?
KK: Have you been watching Smallville for the past seven years?
ED: She has a point.
KK: Cut to an exterior shot of the Luthor mansion as a limousine pulls up. Cut to the inside of the limo, where Lionel is sitting. He gets out of the limo on one side, and as it pulls away the camera tracks to follow it while keeping Lionel in the shot. A red glow briefly appears off-camera during the tracking shot, and at the end--as it makes a 180-degree turn to center Lionel in the shot--MM is standing next to him. "Were you able to locate Clark?"
AoT: "He has returned to his home, but according to Martha Kent he was under the influence of red kryptonite."
JG: Yes, that was the reason he stated dating Lobo. Martha is in denial.
KK: "That explains why he was so hard to find."
ED: Or why he was hard when Lois found him with Lobo.
AoT: "Martha Kent is watching over him now."
KK : "He should be all right eventually."
ED: And back to wearing flannel in no time.
AoT: it really is too bad. Tom does look quite good in leather pants.
ED: Especially tight leather pants.
JG: I wonder if we could make that part of a permenant change due to the RedK? Clark discovers his love of tight leather pants?
KK: I'm sure Dawn will love it.
AoT: "I will speak to him once he has recovered."
Continued...
AoT: Cut to the Senator, as he pulls a briefcase out from behind a chair and opens it to remove a manila folder. He hands it to Lex. "Right now, we're calling it Athena. Military units, covert intelligence, research...all under one umbrella, specifically dealing with alien or high-level mutant threats. And we've already chosen the person we want to run it...you."
KK: "Me?"
JG: Lex? They are giving control of this project to Lex? What the hell?
AoT: "For lack of a better phrase: we can't think of anyone else who is genuinely qualified to run it."
JG: I find that hard to believe!
AoT: "It's not a completely done deal yet, the President still has to run it by his supporters--but it's looking very real." The Senator stands up. "Do you accept the position, Lex?"
KK: Lex stands up, takes the Senator's outstretched hand. "I accept, Senator Chandra."
JG: This is absurd! It would be like Erica wining an Emmy!
ED: Hey!
KK: Hey, this was all Annette's idea.
AoT: Michael is writing two of the final four episodes, so I thought it best to throw him a bone. In any case, we need this to set up Lionel's final scene.
JG: But Lex lost again! Lobo went on a big gay rampage with Clark! In the last episode, Clark beat Lex to a pulp and Chloe threatened him! How can the government give him anything?
KK: No one said the government in Smallville was very bright, John.
AoT: "Excellent. I'll pass the word up the chain...you'll probably get some calls about this in the morning. Now, I need to get back to D.C...thanks for the drink, Lex."
KK: "Thank you, Senator." Senator Chandra retrieves his briefcase and exits. Pan over as Lex goes to stand by the fireplace and Hope walks over to him.
AoT: "What was that about?"
KK: "Athena...a new government division created specifically to deal with alien threats. They want me to run it."
JG: [Grumbles] Lionel could run a project like this in his sleep.
AoT: "Which is exactly what you wanted, isn't it?"
KK: "I would have been happy as just a primary independent backer, Hope. There's no way they wouldn't have given me that. But actually running something like this...something which apparently has international support..."
AoT: "Which means even more access to the government, the military--"
KK: "And having carte blanche to deal with anything that poses a significant threat to mankind." Lex finishes off his drink."
AoT: "Congratulations, Lex."
KK: "Thank you, Hope." He frowns. "But since you're here...and Mr. Ferret isn't..."
AoT: "I couldn't find him. But he left this package for you at LuthorCorp..." Hope walks over and sets a large box down on Lex's desk. Lex follows.
KK: "What is it?"
ED: Farmboy porn?
KK: That is what I suggested.
AoT: "I don't know. But it has a fingerprint scanner, and no one at LuthorCorp was able to override it."
KK: Lex looks down at the box, then places a finger on a raised oval on its top. Cut to a closeup of the scanner reading his fingerprint, then it beeps and the top of the box pops open slightly; at the same time, a recording of Ferret's voice begins playing. John, could you do Ferret again?
JG: "Mr. Luthor...I honestly had no idea things would go the way they did. Lobo has never failed a job before, y'know? Never! And he comes here and actually gets pally with his target? I'm so sorry, Mr. Luthor, and this is my way of saying 'Hey, my boy messed up, let me at least try to make it right.'"
KK: Cut to a reverse shot of Lex opening the box, its lid blocking most of the shot, and looking surprised at its contents. Pan up as Lex lifts what appears to be a oblong device out of the box.
JG: He gave Lex an alien dildo?
AoT: Ferret certainly does know the way to Lex's heart.
ED: Through his ass?
AoT: [Smacks ED on the back of the head]
JG: "Folks I got this from call it a ‘boom tube', Mr. Luthor. It makes them portals what'll get you from here-to-there right quick. I don't know how all it works – I'm just a humble middleman, you understand – but I was thinkin' a smart man like yerself could find a use for it."
KK: Lex and Hope stare at it for a few seconds. Reverse shot from slightly off Lex's POV, showing the device has six circular depressions on its upper surface and is marked with the Apokoliptian symbol.
JG: "Hopefully, this will ease things up between us. I like you, Mr. Luthor, and I hope to work with you again in the future. Have a good evenin'." This is unacceptable! Lex fails miserably and is rewarded for it! How does that make any sense?
KK: Have you been watching Smallville for the past seven years?
ED: She has a point.
KK: Cut to an exterior shot of the Luthor mansion as a limousine pulls up. Cut to the inside of the limo, where Lionel is sitting. He gets out of the limo on one side, and as it pulls away the camera tracks to follow it while keeping Lionel in the shot. A red glow briefly appears off-camera during the tracking shot, and at the end--as it makes a 180-degree turn to center Lionel in the shot--MM is standing next to him. "Were you able to locate Clark?"
AoT: "He has returned to his home, but according to Martha Kent he was under the influence of red kryptonite."
JG: Yes, that was the reason he stated dating Lobo. Martha is in denial.
KK: "That explains why he was so hard to find."
ED: Or why he was hard when Lois found him with Lobo.
AoT: "Martha Kent is watching over him now."
KK : "He should be all right eventually."
ED: And back to wearing flannel in no time.
AoT: it really is too bad. Tom does look quite good in leather pants.
ED: Especially tight leather pants.
JG: I wonder if we could make that part of a permenant change due to the RedK? Clark discovers his love of tight leather pants?
KK: I'm sure Dawn will love it.
AoT: "I will speak to him once he has recovered."
Continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part X
as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AoT: Martha drives into the farm. Just as she gets of the car, Clark lands. "Clark? What are you –"
KK: "Mom, I need help." Close up of Clark. His eyes glow red. Cut to Martha helping Clark walk inside the kitchen. He sits at the table. "- I stole things, and I hurt people, Mom. I am out of control." Clark starts to cry.
JG: Again.
ED: Damn, Promise is starting to look good.
JG: You actually watched it?
ED: Well, no, but it could not have been this bad.
AoT: "Clark, listen to me. You have been given a dose of red meteor rock."
KK: When that bitch Chloe drugged you.
JG: Or from the cock-ring Lobo gave you.
KK: "But that just –"
AoT: "Yes, it brings out some of your baser instincts." Martha walks behind Clark and opens a drawer. "You are stronger than that, Clark. You could have hurt that boy. You could have continued to steal and drink and destroy and no force on earth could stop you."
ED: Oh my God, you did a yellow crayon speech.
JG: I have no idea how you are going to say that with a straight face.
AoT: Martha is a woman of many skills. She places her hand on Clark's. "You are my son. I love you."
ED: Come, on Annette!
AoT: This is not a yellow crayon speech!
JG: [Looks through script] Annette, she has a point.
AoT: John, I am surprised at you!
JG: On the next page, you tell a story about how Clark broke a crayon and cried about it!
AoT: I do no such thing! [Looks through script] I will have you... [looks confused] How did that get there?
ED: You did not even change the color of the crayon! [Imitates Martha's voice] "Do you remember when you broke the yellow crayon your first day of school. Clark?"
AoT: I am serious! I have no idea how that line got into the final script!
ED & AoT & JG: [Look at KK]
KK: What? It is a good line!
AoT: Kristin, I thought I made myself very clear! I do not care what you do to the other characters, but Martha –
JG: [Clears throat]
AoT: Martha and Lionel are off limits!
JG: Thank you.
KK: But –
AoT: I am not doing a yellow crayon speech! If you are so anxious to use material from that hack Whedon, young lady, then you can start getting fitted for your prosthetic fangs!
KK: Fine, fine. Clark looks like he is about to cry. Yet again.
JG: For a super-powered badass on a RedK trip, Clark sure does cry like a little girl.
AoT: Martha raises her other hand, which is holding a lead box. She opens it, revealing a large piece of GreenK.
ED: Wow, Clark is pretty dumb.
KK: Clark looks shocked, then angry.
AoT: "But I cannot take any chances." She hand-cuffs Clark to the table.
KK: "You lying –"
AoT: "I love you, Clark. I love you enough to stop you from doing something you will regret later." Martha sits across the table from Clark. "I love you enough to do what is necessary to protect you from yourself, and to stay with you when you are in pain." Clark sags down. Martha looks sad but stoic.
KK: I say we just cut this next scene. If Michael is going to run out of the episode reading, I say fuck him.
AoT: As much as I admire your "burn all bridges" approach to workplace interaction, we need this scene to set up the following one with Lionel.
KK: Spoilsport. We are in the study at the Luthor mansion. Lex is shaking hands with a man in a neatly pressed suit.
KK: "I'm glad you could make it."
JG: I bet Lex says that to all the male prostitutes he hires since Clark dumped him.
AoT: "I had to come."
ED: Wow, you are good.
JG: You have no idea.
AoT: "Once the national news picked up on that Lobo fellow-"
KK: The camera shifts to a wide shot as Lex sits down in a chair, and the man follows suit "Yes, well... Metropolis attracts all kinds, doesn't it, Senator?"
AoT: The Senator shakes his head. "First mutants, then aliens. Your father had no idea what he was getting into when he moved you here, did he?"
JG: I am quite certain Lionel thought it would toughen Lex up a bit.
KK: He was sadly mistaken. "No...but I have my eyes wide open. And this Lobo situation only reiterates what I have been saying ever since the incursion--"
AoT: "Right, that we need to ramp up weapons development in order to defend the country--"
KK: Lex picks up a glass from a table. "Planet, Senator. The United States just happens to be the front line for whatever else might be coming our way."
AoT: "Which is why I'm here, Lex. I'm here at the direct request of the President."
KK: "I see."
AoT: "After the incursion in Metropolis months ago--"
ED: Hold on – when did the invasion take place, anyway?
[AoT, KK and JG exchange confused looks.]
KK: Tom and Allison usually keep track of that kind of thing.
ED: [Takes out a pen and paper.] Chloe had a funeral between Exit and Control... [takes some notes] How long did Lex have Chloe in Vault Black?
AoT: Why do you think we would know?
JG: Or care?
KK: Like another continuity error is really going to matter that much? Compared to some of the crap Al and Miles pulled last year, this is nothing.
AoT: I could not agree more. "After the incursion in Metropolis months ago and then the attack at the Slab, and now this single humanoid alien apparently caused over eighty million dollars in damages--"
KK: "Lobo wasn't acting alone, Senator. He had help."
JG: In bed.
ED: Does that even make sense?
JG: Everything I say makes sense!
KK: In bed.
JG: See?
ED: What is this, fortune cookie script reading?
AoT: I love fortune cookies!
KK& JG: In bed!
ED: Huh?
AoT: The Senator grabs a drink from the same table, downs it in one gulp. "You mean that 'Cal'? Nobody could identify him--he might well have been some non-powered thug that Lobo brought with him. But anyway...after everything that's happened, the President has made a decision."
JG: Nuke Smallville, if he has any sense.
KK: Or at least burn Clark's jacket. Lex leans back in chair slightly. "Go on."
AoT: "This has been coming since the incursion, though. Hell, since Dark Thursday. With the approval of the Joint Chiefs and the heads of certain international agencies, a special committee will be formed for the express purpose of investigating and defending the U.S. and its allies from...extraplanetary...threats."
KK: Hope walks into the study as the Senator says this last part. Cut to Lex holding up a hand at her. "A...Department of Homeworld Security, you could say?"
ED: Now you are ripping off Stargate: SG-1!
KK: I am not ripping it off!
ED: Kristin, I was on SG1! You are totally ripping it off!
JG: [To AoT] What are they talking about?
AoT: [to JG] No idea. Kristin said the name sounded good, and since it did not involve Martha, what did I care?
ED: You can't just rip off every sci-fi show you like!
KK: This is a tribute! It is totally different from stealing an idea!
ED: How is it different?
KK: It... it just... shut up!
Continued...
AoT: Martha drives into the farm. Just as she gets of the car, Clark lands. "Clark? What are you –"
KK: "Mom, I need help." Close up of Clark. His eyes glow red. Cut to Martha helping Clark walk inside the kitchen. He sits at the table. "- I stole things, and I hurt people, Mom. I am out of control." Clark starts to cry.
JG: Again.
ED: Damn, Promise is starting to look good.
JG: You actually watched it?
ED: Well, no, but it could not have been this bad.
AoT: "Clark, listen to me. You have been given a dose of red meteor rock."
KK: When that bitch Chloe drugged you.
JG: Or from the cock-ring Lobo gave you.
KK: "But that just –"
AoT: "Yes, it brings out some of your baser instincts." Martha walks behind Clark and opens a drawer. "You are stronger than that, Clark. You could have hurt that boy. You could have continued to steal and drink and destroy and no force on earth could stop you."
ED: Oh my God, you did a yellow crayon speech.
JG: I have no idea how you are going to say that with a straight face.
AoT: Martha is a woman of many skills. She places her hand on Clark's. "You are my son. I love you."
ED: Come, on Annette!
AoT: This is not a yellow crayon speech!
JG: [Looks through script] Annette, she has a point.
AoT: John, I am surprised at you!
JG: On the next page, you tell a story about how Clark broke a crayon and cried about it!
AoT: I do no such thing! [Looks through script] I will have you... [looks confused] How did that get there?
ED: You did not even change the color of the crayon! [Imitates Martha's voice] "Do you remember when you broke the yellow crayon your first day of school. Clark?"
AoT: I am serious! I have no idea how that line got into the final script!
ED & AoT & JG: [Look at KK]
KK: What? It is a good line!
AoT: Kristin, I thought I made myself very clear! I do not care what you do to the other characters, but Martha –
JG: [Clears throat]
AoT: Martha and Lionel are off limits!
JG: Thank you.
KK: But –
AoT: I am not doing a yellow crayon speech! If you are so anxious to use material from that hack Whedon, young lady, then you can start getting fitted for your prosthetic fangs!
KK: Fine, fine. Clark looks like he is about to cry. Yet again.
JG: For a super-powered badass on a RedK trip, Clark sure does cry like a little girl.
AoT: Martha raises her other hand, which is holding a lead box. She opens it, revealing a large piece of GreenK.
ED: Wow, Clark is pretty dumb.
KK: Clark looks shocked, then angry.
AoT: "But I cannot take any chances." She hand-cuffs Clark to the table.
KK: "You lying –"
AoT: "I love you, Clark. I love you enough to stop you from doing something you will regret later." Martha sits across the table from Clark. "I love you enough to do what is necessary to protect you from yourself, and to stay with you when you are in pain." Clark sags down. Martha looks sad but stoic.
KK: I say we just cut this next scene. If Michael is going to run out of the episode reading, I say fuck him.
AoT: As much as I admire your "burn all bridges" approach to workplace interaction, we need this scene to set up the following one with Lionel.
KK: Spoilsport. We are in the study at the Luthor mansion. Lex is shaking hands with a man in a neatly pressed suit.
KK: "I'm glad you could make it."
JG: I bet Lex says that to all the male prostitutes he hires since Clark dumped him.
AoT: "I had to come."
ED: Wow, you are good.
JG: You have no idea.
AoT: "Once the national news picked up on that Lobo fellow-"
KK: The camera shifts to a wide shot as Lex sits down in a chair, and the man follows suit "Yes, well... Metropolis attracts all kinds, doesn't it, Senator?"
AoT: The Senator shakes his head. "First mutants, then aliens. Your father had no idea what he was getting into when he moved you here, did he?"
JG: I am quite certain Lionel thought it would toughen Lex up a bit.
KK: He was sadly mistaken. "No...but I have my eyes wide open. And this Lobo situation only reiterates what I have been saying ever since the incursion--"
AoT: "Right, that we need to ramp up weapons development in order to defend the country--"
KK: Lex picks up a glass from a table. "Planet, Senator. The United States just happens to be the front line for whatever else might be coming our way."
AoT: "Which is why I'm here, Lex. I'm here at the direct request of the President."
KK: "I see."
AoT: "After the incursion in Metropolis months ago--"
ED: Hold on – when did the invasion take place, anyway?
[AoT, KK and JG exchange confused looks.]
KK: Tom and Allison usually keep track of that kind of thing.
ED: [Takes out a pen and paper.] Chloe had a funeral between Exit and Control... [takes some notes] How long did Lex have Chloe in Vault Black?
AoT: Why do you think we would know?
JG: Or care?
KK: Like another continuity error is really going to matter that much? Compared to some of the crap Al and Miles pulled last year, this is nothing.
AoT: I could not agree more. "After the incursion in Metropolis months ago and then the attack at the Slab, and now this single humanoid alien apparently caused over eighty million dollars in damages--"
KK: "Lobo wasn't acting alone, Senator. He had help."
JG: In bed.
ED: Does that even make sense?
JG: Everything I say makes sense!
KK: In bed.
JG: See?
ED: What is this, fortune cookie script reading?
AoT: I love fortune cookies!
KK& JG: In bed!
ED: Huh?
AoT: The Senator grabs a drink from the same table, downs it in one gulp. "You mean that 'Cal'? Nobody could identify him--he might well have been some non-powered thug that Lobo brought with him. But anyway...after everything that's happened, the President has made a decision."
JG: Nuke Smallville, if he has any sense.
KK: Or at least burn Clark's jacket. Lex leans back in chair slightly. "Go on."
AoT: "This has been coming since the incursion, though. Hell, since Dark Thursday. With the approval of the Joint Chiefs and the heads of certain international agencies, a special committee will be formed for the express purpose of investigating and defending the U.S. and its allies from...extraplanetary...threats."
KK: Hope walks into the study as the Senator says this last part. Cut to Lex holding up a hand at her. "A...Department of Homeworld Security, you could say?"
ED: Now you are ripping off Stargate: SG-1!
KK: I am not ripping it off!
ED: Kristin, I was on SG1! You are totally ripping it off!
JG: [To AoT] What are they talking about?
AoT: [to JG] No idea. Kristin said the name sounded good, and since it did not involve Martha, what did I care?
ED: You can't just rip off every sci-fi show you like!
KK: This is a tribute! It is totally different from stealing an idea!
ED: How is it different?
KK: It... it just... shut up!
Continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part IX
as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AoT: Lobo pushes Clark. "I'm the Main Man! I do whatever the frag I want! You got a problem with that, Kal?"
KK: Clark cries like a little bitch! [Breaks down laughing]
ED: Enough, Kristin.
KK: Excuse me? I still have the alternate script ready, Durance!
JG: As much I enjoy seeing Clark soiled, I have to agree. I would really like to do to my scenes this evening.
KK: [Scowls] I can still re-write –
AoT: Enough, dear. You beat Tom, now be gracious.
KK: Fine, fine. Clark looks pissed, then gets a sly smile. "You want a fight? You want a real fight? None of this crap tossing humans and killing defenseless people, but a good, tough fight?"
AoT: "You ready to go?"
ED: OK, even I thought that line was too blatant.
KK: "Not me, you moron! Darkseid is coming here, and you –"
AoT: Lobo steps back, raises hands and looks shocked. "Whoa, whoa whoa! Darkseid? Darkseid is coming here?"
KK: "I thought he sent you to kill me!"
AoT: Lobo laughs. "Kal, I don't know who hired me! But if Darkseid is coming, I know it's time to find a new place to party!" [Whistles, motorcycle pulls up.]
KK: "I thought you were the baddest bastich in known space!"
ED: Wait, Clark calls someone a coward?
JG: That doesn't sound right.
AoT: Lobo gets on his bike. "Yeah, and I can't stay that way if I'm dead. Kal, you seem like a cool dude, so listen to your Uncle Lobo for a minute. You don't want to be around when the Big D comes to town. That guy is bad news. ‘Kill everyone and their dog' type bad news." Lobo takes off. "If you ever get off this sorry rock, look me up! I know a bar on Xenex 7 where the girls do things that are illegal in fourteen systems!"
KK: Clark looks down at the little boy, who is in shock. "I... I –" [gets choked up, and starts laughing again]
MR: [Rolls his eyes]
JG: OK, that was a little funny,
AoT: Close up of Clark's ear. He hears Lois and Vic arguing. Lois shouts "Next time you're the stewardess!" Cut to Question and Lois dressed as a pilot and a stewardess walking along the streets of Gotham.
KK: [Still giggling] "I've been told I do not look good in a skirt."
AoT: "I don't want to know."
KK: "The gunshots seemed to come from this direction."
AoT: "I seriously doubt aliens capable of destroying city blocks with brute force are suddenly going down grade to hand guns."
MR: Lois is slacking off. What a shock.
ED: Quiet, you! It's almost my big scene!
KK: "Investigation is warranted, none the less."
AoT: Cut back to Clark in the alley.
KK: "I'm sorry. There's a lady coming. She'll help you." Clark super speeds away just as Lois and Question turn the corner.
JG: Wow, Clark runs away almost as much as Lex this week.
MR: Big talk for a guy who's sat on his ass all episode.
KK: "Well if your investigation de-rails our search for..." Lois spots the boy kneeling between his parents bodies.
AoT: "Oh my god!" Lois rushes to the boy. Question spots a piece of Lobo's suit ripped off when Kal stopped him.
KK: "They were here." The boy is in shock. He's almost emotionless.
MR: Sounds like Lana.
AoT: John, could you read this?
JG: Very well. [Little boy voice.] "He shot my parents."
AoT: Lois kneels and hugs Bruce
MR: What?
KK: It's just a temporary name in the script. We'll change it before we get to filming.
[MR glares at KK, then stands up and walks behind AoT]
AoT: What do you think you are doing?
MR: Have you ever seen American Psycho?
AoT: No.
AoT: Good. If Christian Bale comes in, you can talk to him.
AoT: Whatever. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry."
KK: Question studies the fragment of clothing. "Something is not right. Things... are spiralling out of control. Lionel is desperate."
JG: [Raises an eyebrow]
KK: He's thinks Lionel is secretly controlling the entire world.
JG: [Shrugs] I can live with that. "He tried to shoot me. But the other man stopped him."
AoT: "You don't have to talk about it."
KK: "Lionel is never desperate."
JG: That's better. The boy puts out his hand. He holds a misshapen bullet. "He caught the bullet in his hand."
KK: "What could Lionel be afraid of?"
JG: World peace.
ED: A lack of hair care products.
AoT: Martha cutting him off. Lois picks up the bullet and stares at it. "Kal-El."
JG: "He saved me."
AoT: Lois looks at the boy. "That's right. His name is Kal-El. He saved your life. He's... he's a hero."
JG: Not likely. The boy looks at his parents. "He didn't save my parents."
AoT: Lois hugs him again. "I'm sure he did the best he could. That's what heroes always do."
JG: "I... I want to be a hero."
MR: [Frowns] Are you sure he's not Bruce Wayne?
KK: Positive.
AoT: Lois holds the boy's shoulders to looks him in the eye. She's trying not to cry. "I'm sure you'll be a great hero someday."
ED: I don't know, this sounds a lot like Bruce Wayne.
KK: It's not. Question looks at the dead father. "Lois, do you realize who these people are?"
ED: Everyone with half a brain realizes who they are.
AoT: "Not now, Vic." You either, Erica.
KK: "They're like the Luthors of Gotham!"
JG: "He knew you were coming."
KK: "They killed the first freaking family of Gotham!"
JG: You know, I am actually glad Tom left. His whining about this would have been insufferable.
AoT: Lois glares at Question. "Shut the hell up!"
JG: Funny, people usually say that to Lois.
ED: Hey!
JG: "He said you would help me."
AoT: "And I will. I'll stay here with you as long as you need."
KK: "We can't stay here! Kal-El is still out there doing who the hell knows what!"
AoT: "Kal-El saved this boy's life!"
KK: "Just another convenient trick to throw us off his trail."
AoT: "Kal-El isn't what's important now."
JG: When is he ever?
MR: When Lex is outsmarting him?
ED: No, when he is working with Lois!
AoT: Usually when we need to justify out salaries to Dawn.
KK: "The truth is always important! You used to believe that!"
AoT: "I still do, Vic. And the truth is this where I'm needed right now. I'm not going to leave this boy alone." Lois turns back to the boy. My name is Lois, Lois Lane. What's yours?"
JG: The enormity of the situation finally hits the boys tears up. "Bruce."
MR: Kristin, you lying bitch!
KK: Excuse me?
MR: You said it was not Bruce Wayne!
KK: [Shrugs] So I lied.
AoT: Prove it's Bruce Wayne and not Bruce Smith.
MR: No! No, you two do not get to ruin Batman! It's not right!
KK: It's my episode! I can do whatever the fuck I want!
MR: [Runs for the door] When Christian Bale comes in here with a chainsaw asking who fucked up Batman, you're on your own!
JG: I did not realize Michael was such a Batman fanboy.
ED: Lex and Bruce sitting in a tree...
AoT: Lois hugs the boy again. He starts crying. "I'm here, Bruce. I'm here." Pull back to show Clark has listened in on the entire scene and seems to be crying.
JG: What is with all the crying this week?
KK: Clark crying means more time in the make-up chair for Tom.
Continued...
AoT: Lobo pushes Clark. "I'm the Main Man! I do whatever the frag I want! You got a problem with that, Kal?"
KK: Clark cries like a little bitch! [Breaks down laughing]
ED: Enough, Kristin.
KK: Excuse me? I still have the alternate script ready, Durance!
JG: As much I enjoy seeing Clark soiled, I have to agree. I would really like to do to my scenes this evening.
KK: [Scowls] I can still re-write –
AoT: Enough, dear. You beat Tom, now be gracious.
KK: Fine, fine. Clark looks pissed, then gets a sly smile. "You want a fight? You want a real fight? None of this crap tossing humans and killing defenseless people, but a good, tough fight?"
AoT: "You ready to go?"
ED: OK, even I thought that line was too blatant.
KK: "Not me, you moron! Darkseid is coming here, and you –"
AoT: Lobo steps back, raises hands and looks shocked. "Whoa, whoa whoa! Darkseid? Darkseid is coming here?"
KK: "I thought he sent you to kill me!"
AoT: Lobo laughs. "Kal, I don't know who hired me! But if Darkseid is coming, I know it's time to find a new place to party!" [Whistles, motorcycle pulls up.]
KK: "I thought you were the baddest bastich in known space!"
ED: Wait, Clark calls someone a coward?
JG: That doesn't sound right.
AoT: Lobo gets on his bike. "Yeah, and I can't stay that way if I'm dead. Kal, you seem like a cool dude, so listen to your Uncle Lobo for a minute. You don't want to be around when the Big D comes to town. That guy is bad news. ‘Kill everyone and their dog' type bad news." Lobo takes off. "If you ever get off this sorry rock, look me up! I know a bar on Xenex 7 where the girls do things that are illegal in fourteen systems!"
KK: Clark looks down at the little boy, who is in shock. "I... I –" [gets choked up, and starts laughing again]
MR: [Rolls his eyes]
JG: OK, that was a little funny,
AoT: Close up of Clark's ear. He hears Lois and Vic arguing. Lois shouts "Next time you're the stewardess!" Cut to Question and Lois dressed as a pilot and a stewardess walking along the streets of Gotham.
KK: [Still giggling] "I've been told I do not look good in a skirt."
AoT: "I don't want to know."
KK: "The gunshots seemed to come from this direction."
AoT: "I seriously doubt aliens capable of destroying city blocks with brute force are suddenly going down grade to hand guns."
MR: Lois is slacking off. What a shock.
ED: Quiet, you! It's almost my big scene!
KK: "Investigation is warranted, none the less."
AoT: Cut back to Clark in the alley.
KK: "I'm sorry. There's a lady coming. She'll help you." Clark super speeds away just as Lois and Question turn the corner.
JG: Wow, Clark runs away almost as much as Lex this week.
MR: Big talk for a guy who's sat on his ass all episode.
KK: "Well if your investigation de-rails our search for..." Lois spots the boy kneeling between his parents bodies.
AoT: "Oh my god!" Lois rushes to the boy. Question spots a piece of Lobo's suit ripped off when Kal stopped him.
KK: "They were here." The boy is in shock. He's almost emotionless.
MR: Sounds like Lana.
AoT: John, could you read this?
JG: Very well. [Little boy voice.] "He shot my parents."
AoT: Lois kneels and hugs Bruce
MR: What?
KK: It's just a temporary name in the script. We'll change it before we get to filming.
[MR glares at KK, then stands up and walks behind AoT]
AoT: What do you think you are doing?
MR: Have you ever seen American Psycho?
AoT: No.
AoT: Good. If Christian Bale comes in, you can talk to him.
AoT: Whatever. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry."
KK: Question studies the fragment of clothing. "Something is not right. Things... are spiralling out of control. Lionel is desperate."
JG: [Raises an eyebrow]
KK: He's thinks Lionel is secretly controlling the entire world.
JG: [Shrugs] I can live with that. "He tried to shoot me. But the other man stopped him."
AoT: "You don't have to talk about it."
KK: "Lionel is never desperate."
JG: That's better. The boy puts out his hand. He holds a misshapen bullet. "He caught the bullet in his hand."
KK: "What could Lionel be afraid of?"
JG: World peace.
ED: A lack of hair care products.
AoT: Martha cutting him off. Lois picks up the bullet and stares at it. "Kal-El."
JG: "He saved me."
AoT: Lois looks at the boy. "That's right. His name is Kal-El. He saved your life. He's... he's a hero."
JG: Not likely. The boy looks at his parents. "He didn't save my parents."
AoT: Lois hugs him again. "I'm sure he did the best he could. That's what heroes always do."
JG: "I... I want to be a hero."
MR: [Frowns] Are you sure he's not Bruce Wayne?
KK: Positive.
AoT: Lois holds the boy's shoulders to looks him in the eye. She's trying not to cry. "I'm sure you'll be a great hero someday."
ED: I don't know, this sounds a lot like Bruce Wayne.
KK: It's not. Question looks at the dead father. "Lois, do you realize who these people are?"
ED: Everyone with half a brain realizes who they are.
AoT: "Not now, Vic." You either, Erica.
KK: "They're like the Luthors of Gotham!"
JG: "He knew you were coming."
KK: "They killed the first freaking family of Gotham!"
JG: You know, I am actually glad Tom left. His whining about this would have been insufferable.
AoT: Lois glares at Question. "Shut the hell up!"
JG: Funny, people usually say that to Lois.
ED: Hey!
JG: "He said you would help me."
AoT: "And I will. I'll stay here with you as long as you need."
KK: "We can't stay here! Kal-El is still out there doing who the hell knows what!"
AoT: "Kal-El saved this boy's life!"
KK: "Just another convenient trick to throw us off his trail."
AoT: "Kal-El isn't what's important now."
JG: When is he ever?
MR: When Lex is outsmarting him?
ED: No, when he is working with Lois!
AoT: Usually when we need to justify out salaries to Dawn.
KK: "The truth is always important! You used to believe that!"
AoT: "I still do, Vic. And the truth is this where I'm needed right now. I'm not going to leave this boy alone." Lois turns back to the boy. My name is Lois, Lois Lane. What's yours?"
JG: The enormity of the situation finally hits the boys tears up. "Bruce."
MR: Kristin, you lying bitch!
KK: Excuse me?
MR: You said it was not Bruce Wayne!
KK: [Shrugs] So I lied.
AoT: Prove it's Bruce Wayne and not Bruce Smith.
MR: No! No, you two do not get to ruin Batman! It's not right!
KK: It's my episode! I can do whatever the fuck I want!
MR: [Runs for the door] When Christian Bale comes in here with a chainsaw asking who fucked up Batman, you're on your own!
JG: I did not realize Michael was such a Batman fanboy.
ED: Lex and Bruce sitting in a tree...
AoT: Lois hugs the boy again. He starts crying. "I'm here, Bruce. I'm here." Pull back to show Clark has listened in on the entire scene and seems to be crying.
JG: What is with all the crying this week?
KK: Clark crying means more time in the make-up chair for Tom.
Continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part VIII
as retold by RepairmanBob (with help from Bill C, jwm, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
KK: Clark and Lobo are walking down the street.
AM: Are they tolding hands?
MR: They are totally holding hands.
TW: They are not holding hands!
ED: And prancing. They are holding hands and prancing.
TW: I do not prance!
KK: Well, Clark does. A large pile of wrecked and burning National Guard vehicles covering the road behind them.
TW: Oh, come on! How the fuck are you going to pay for that?
AoT: [smiles] I'm sure Dawn will figure out something.
TW: You didn't get sponsors?
AoT: If I had not been so busy cleaning motor oil out of my hair for the past few weeks, I would have had more time for that! Clark turns to Lobo. "Dude, we need some beer money."
TW: Clark doesn't talk like Ashtin Kutcher!
JG: He does this week.
KK: Lobo grins. "Check it out." He points to a well-dressed family leaving a movie theater. A poster for The Mask of Zorro can be seen behind the son.
MR: [Frowns] Wait, that sounds familiar.
KK: "Hello beer money." Lobo pulls out a large gun. "Yo! I'm the Main Man and I get respect!" He points the gun at the father. "Your cash and your jewelry are what I expect!"
MR: Damn, I should know this.
TW: [Scowls]
AoT: That father begs for mercy, and hands over his wallet. The wife takes off her rings and a pearl necklace.
TW: So now Clark is robbing a helpless family?
MR: Robbing a family...
ED: Hehehe... pearl necklace.
JG: I bet Lobo will give Clark a very nice pearl necklace.
AoT: Clark laughs. "I knew you would love the Beastie Boys!"
ED: OK, I call bullshit, Kristin.
TW: Thank –
ED: There is not way Clark listens to the Beastie Boys.
TW: [bangs head on table]
KK: It's worth it for the joke. Clark's phone rings. He pulls out his cell phone. Called ID shows it is Martha. Offscreen, we hear the sound of gunshots. Clark turns and sees both of the parents are down. Lobo points the gun at the boy. Clark runs as Lobo fires his gun.
TW & MR: [Stand up] No!
KK: [Ignoring them] Clark stops the bullet just before it hits the boy. He uses heat vision to destroy the gun.
MR: This is bullshit!
TW: What the fuck!
MR: You can't do this! It ruins everything!
TW: Exactly!
KK: [Smiling] I can do anything I want. It is my episode.
TW: You made Clark a killer!
JG: Technically, Lobo fired the –
TW: Shut the fuck up, John!
MR: The movie division will blackball us!
AoT: Michael, I think you are overreacting just a –
MR: Goddammit, it's Batman!
TW&ED&AM&JG: WHAT!
MR: These two morons just had Clark and Lobo kill Bruce Wayne's parents!
KK: [smiling] No we didn't.
MR: Stop lying! [Looks frantic] Nolan could be here any minute! [He counts off his using his fingers.] Gotham, family comes out of Mask of Zorro, botched robbery, mom has a pearl necklace – this is Batman!
TW: [Looks in confusion at MR, then back to KK and AoT] Clark killed Batman's parents?
AoT: [Small smile] No he didn't.
MR: [Voice raising] Stop it! You can't fuck up Batman! This is serious!
KK: Relax, Michael.
MR: But –
KK: It was another family.
TW: But –
KK: We never mention the Waynes. We have deniability. Clark helped kill some other family.
TW: You can't do this! It is completely unfair!
AoT: You should have thought about that when I told you to get the producers!
MR: [Looks suspicious] Another family?
TW: No, Michael! You know they are lying!
KK: It's not the Waynes. Cross my heart.
AM: What heart?
TW: Goddammit, Michael! What about Clark?
MR: Who cares about Clark? This is Batman we are talking about!
TW: [Looks pissed] I'm calling for a veto! I refuse to let you turn Clark Kent into a murdered over some petty grudge against me!
KK: [Smiles] Fine, let's have a vote.
AM: I'm in if we can also cut out the Chloe drugging Clark part.
TW: Absolutely. Erica?
ED: [Glances at KK] I don't think so.
TW&AM: What?
ED: Sorry, Tom. But there is another version of the Lois scenes where I'm incompetent and get scooped by the Inquisitor. Plus there's a scene I really like coming up.
[TW and AM look between ED and KK in disbelief. JG looks to KK who nods. He flips to the end of the script and skims the last two pages.]
JG: I vote against as well.
KK: That's four against. Overruled.
TW: [Starts to shout] This is bullshit! I have been killing myself for weeks keeping this show running! You can't do this!
KK: [Evil grin] Those words, you keep saying them. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.
AoT: I told you there would be consequences if you did not get rid of Bryan and the other producers, Tom.
TW: [Shouting, face turning red] This is not fair!
KK: So get even with me in your next script! Oh wait – you can't! Lana's dead! [Laughs]
TW: To hell with you both! I'm taking this to Dawn! [Storms out]
KK: [Shouts out the door] How does season six look now, Tom? I bet Promise is looking pretty damn good?
JG: Let's not get crazy here
AM: [Looks at KK and AoT] Do you really think that was a good idea?
KK: No, it was a great idea!
AoT: When I give someone a job, I expect them to do it. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Where were we?
KK: Clark stops the bullet just before it hits the boy. He uses heat vision to destroy the gun.
AoT: Thank you. "Oww!" Lobo drops the melted gun. "What the hell, Kal?"
KK: [Whining voice] "You killed them!"
JG: We could have kept Tom here is Clark was just going to whine and cry about it.
AoT: I wrote it with that in mind. I did not think Tom would throw such a fit. Lobo pushes Clark. "So?"
ED: Awww, their first lover's quarrel.
JG: Soon to be followed by their first make-up sex.
ED: Something Clark is quite familiar with thanks to Lex.
KK: [even more pathetic voice] "He gave you the money! Why'd you kill him?"
AM: Aren't you taking this a bit far?
KK: It's my last episode! I deserve to have some fun!
AoT: "Why not?"
KK: [starts to tear up] "You... you can't just kill people!"
AM: [Looks disgusted, stands up] I would have expected this kind of short sited character assassination from you, Annette.
AoT: Thank you, dear.
AM: But damnit, Kristin, didn't you learn anything from all our fighting?
KK: Watch it, or I can put the Chlones in those black bikinis Michael asked for.
AM: Fuck this. I'm going to go see if Tom is alright. [Walks out.]
Continued...
KK: Clark and Lobo are walking down the street.
AM: Are they tolding hands?
MR: They are totally holding hands.
TW: They are not holding hands!
ED: And prancing. They are holding hands and prancing.
TW: I do not prance!
KK: Well, Clark does. A large pile of wrecked and burning National Guard vehicles covering the road behind them.
TW: Oh, come on! How the fuck are you going to pay for that?
AoT: [smiles] I'm sure Dawn will figure out something.
TW: You didn't get sponsors?
AoT: If I had not been so busy cleaning motor oil out of my hair for the past few weeks, I would have had more time for that! Clark turns to Lobo. "Dude, we need some beer money."
TW: Clark doesn't talk like Ashtin Kutcher!
JG: He does this week.
KK: Lobo grins. "Check it out." He points to a well-dressed family leaving a movie theater. A poster for The Mask of Zorro can be seen behind the son.
MR: [Frowns] Wait, that sounds familiar.
KK: "Hello beer money." Lobo pulls out a large gun. "Yo! I'm the Main Man and I get respect!" He points the gun at the father. "Your cash and your jewelry are what I expect!"
MR: Damn, I should know this.
TW: [Scowls]
AoT: That father begs for mercy, and hands over his wallet. The wife takes off her rings and a pearl necklace.
TW: So now Clark is robbing a helpless family?
MR: Robbing a family...
ED: Hehehe... pearl necklace.
JG: I bet Lobo will give Clark a very nice pearl necklace.
AoT: Clark laughs. "I knew you would love the Beastie Boys!"
ED: OK, I call bullshit, Kristin.
TW: Thank –
ED: There is not way Clark listens to the Beastie Boys.
TW: [bangs head on table]
KK: It's worth it for the joke. Clark's phone rings. He pulls out his cell phone. Called ID shows it is Martha. Offscreen, we hear the sound of gunshots. Clark turns and sees both of the parents are down. Lobo points the gun at the boy. Clark runs as Lobo fires his gun.
TW & MR: [Stand up] No!
KK: [Ignoring them] Clark stops the bullet just before it hits the boy. He uses heat vision to destroy the gun.
MR: This is bullshit!
TW: What the fuck!
MR: You can't do this! It ruins everything!
TW: Exactly!
KK: [Smiling] I can do anything I want. It is my episode.
TW: You made Clark a killer!
JG: Technically, Lobo fired the –
TW: Shut the fuck up, John!
MR: The movie division will blackball us!
AoT: Michael, I think you are overreacting just a –
MR: Goddammit, it's Batman!
TW&ED&AM&JG: WHAT!
MR: These two morons just had Clark and Lobo kill Bruce Wayne's parents!
KK: [smiling] No we didn't.
MR: Stop lying! [Looks frantic] Nolan could be here any minute! [He counts off his using his fingers.] Gotham, family comes out of Mask of Zorro, botched robbery, mom has a pearl necklace – this is Batman!
TW: [Looks in confusion at MR, then back to KK and AoT] Clark killed Batman's parents?
AoT: [Small smile] No he didn't.
MR: [Voice raising] Stop it! You can't fuck up Batman! This is serious!
KK: Relax, Michael.
MR: But –
KK: It was another family.
TW: But –
KK: We never mention the Waynes. We have deniability. Clark helped kill some other family.
TW: You can't do this! It is completely unfair!
AoT: You should have thought about that when I told you to get the producers!
MR: [Looks suspicious] Another family?
TW: No, Michael! You know they are lying!
KK: It's not the Waynes. Cross my heart.
AM: What heart?
TW: Goddammit, Michael! What about Clark?
MR: Who cares about Clark? This is Batman we are talking about!
TW: [Looks pissed] I'm calling for a veto! I refuse to let you turn Clark Kent into a murdered over some petty grudge against me!
KK: [Smiles] Fine, let's have a vote.
AM: I'm in if we can also cut out the Chloe drugging Clark part.
TW: Absolutely. Erica?
ED: [Glances at KK] I don't think so.
TW&AM: What?
ED: Sorry, Tom. But there is another version of the Lois scenes where I'm incompetent and get scooped by the Inquisitor. Plus there's a scene I really like coming up.
[TW and AM look between ED and KK in disbelief. JG looks to KK who nods. He flips to the end of the script and skims the last two pages.]
JG: I vote against as well.
KK: That's four against. Overruled.
TW: [Starts to shout] This is bullshit! I have been killing myself for weeks keeping this show running! You can't do this!
KK: [Evil grin] Those words, you keep saying them. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.
AoT: I told you there would be consequences if you did not get rid of Bryan and the other producers, Tom.
TW: [Shouting, face turning red] This is not fair!
KK: So get even with me in your next script! Oh wait – you can't! Lana's dead! [Laughs]
TW: To hell with you both! I'm taking this to Dawn! [Storms out]
KK: [Shouts out the door] How does season six look now, Tom? I bet Promise is looking pretty damn good?
JG: Let's not get crazy here
AM: [Looks at KK and AoT] Do you really think that was a good idea?
KK: No, it was a great idea!
AoT: When I give someone a job, I expect them to do it. Let this be a lesson to the rest of you. Where were we?
KK: Clark stops the bullet just before it hits the boy. He uses heat vision to destroy the gun.
AoT: Thank you. "Oww!" Lobo drops the melted gun. "What the hell, Kal?"
KK: [Whining voice] "You killed them!"
JG: We could have kept Tom here is Clark was just going to whine and cry about it.
AoT: I wrote it with that in mind. I did not think Tom would throw such a fit. Lobo pushes Clark. "So?"
ED: Awww, their first lover's quarrel.
JG: Soon to be followed by their first make-up sex.
ED: Something Clark is quite familiar with thanks to Lex.
KK: [even more pathetic voice] "He gave you the money! Why'd you kill him?"
AM: Aren't you taking this a bit far?
KK: It's my last episode! I deserve to have some fun!
AoT: "Why not?"
KK: [starts to tear up] "You... you can't just kill people!"
AM: [Looks disgusted, stands up] I would have expected this kind of short sited character assassination from you, Annette.
AoT: Thank you, dear.
AM: But damnit, Kristin, didn't you learn anything from all our fighting?
KK: Watch it, or I can put the Chlones in those black bikinis Michael asked for.
AM: Fuck this. I'm going to go see if Tom is alright. [Walks out.]
Continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part VII
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
KK: Lionel seems tense.
JG: Oh, come on.
KK: Bite me, Glover. "I'm well aware of that, J'onn. I was there when Hasaad brought his army from Apokolips." Lionel rises from his desk, turns to face the window. By now it is sunset, and a plume of smoke can be seen in the distance. "As much as it pains me to say this: we can't rely on Clark alone to save us this time. We may well have to fend for ourselves."
AoT: Reverse shot of Lionel through the window, as J'onn steps forward to enter the shot, "Humanity is not ready, Lionel Luthor. Not for a threat of this magnitude."
MR: Does this martian guy always have to use both the first and last name?
KK: You have a problem with that?
MR: Er, no?
KK: Good. "Humanity has a gift for adapting to tough conditions, J'onn. Obviously I'd prefer we find some sort of peaceful solution to this, but if it comes to it--we've been analyzing all the equipment captured in Hasaad's incursion, and we've been using it to make weapons of our own."
AoT: "You have seen the parademons, yes. Though Darkseid has other weapons at his disposal as well."
KK: Laughs bitterly, "Of course he does. I certainly would." We return to the previous shot in-office as Lionel turns to face J'onn, "We'll find a way to survive this, J'onn. We have to."
AoT: Cut to close shot of the martian, "Very well, Lionel Luthor. I must leave."
KK: Back to Lionel, "Yes, to find Kal-El. It's all right." Cut to the manhunter as he glows red and disappears. Jump-cut to a long zoom from the office door to Lionel's desk, as he sits down heavily and frowns as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. "We'll find a way to save the world."
AoT: Skyline of a large city. Pull back to show a "Welcome to Gotham" sign.
MR: Maybe they should save beating up the clown until after they get to Gotham.
TW: They'll never let us use anything thing from Batman. Kristin will be lucky if they allow her to keep the reference to Gotham.
KK: You think so, Tom?
AoT: Clark and Lobo fly through the sign, to the sound of a heavy metal guitar riff.
KK: Or Air Supply. You choice, Tom.
TW: Your kindness overwhelmes me.
KK: Now to a street outside the Daily Planet. Lois' phone rings.
ED: Yay Lois!
KK: You applaud her because she carries a phone?
JG: The soft bigitry of lowered expectations.
ED: Shut up! I'm exicted about a Lois scene!
AoT: Lois answers, "Oh, hey Mrs. Kent! Busy? Yes! Er, No. Well, sort of."
AM: God, can't she make up her mind?
MR: It'd help if she had one.
ED: Shut up! You're ruining my scene.
MR: I'm sorry. I forget you can do that all on your own.
[ED glares]
AoT: "There was this crazy super-powered disturbance in town earlier. I was going to investigate with a contact but like every other promising male in my life he's has bailed on me." After a pause, "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure the mutant group isn't involved this time. Well unless they've really souped themselves up since the last time I checked. These bad boys make your typical meteor mutant look like a miniature Chihuahua, all bark and no bite. Either something else has escaped from one of Lex's labs or... I don't know. Aliens or something."
JG: OK. Bored now. Anybody in this scene but Lois?
KK: Vic, wearing his pseudoderm mask pulls up in his car, "Miss Lane."
AoT: Lois motions for Vic to hold on. "Speaking of not having any bite, I can't get in touch with Clark. Have you talked with him recently?"
TW: Oh, that's low.
AoT: Cut to Martha's office. She's doing her best to not show concern. "Clark. He's doing fine. In fact... I just got off the phone with him." She pauses to see if Lois swallows the lie and smiles when she does.
ED: Martha is going to lie to Lois? Why would she do that?
KK: She thinks Lois is a meddling twit?
ED: She doesn't. [To AoT] Does she?
[AoT shrugs]
ED: Annette?
AoT: She is meddling.
ED: And a twit?
AoT: Oh, is it my line? "Glad your contact finally showed up. Nice talking with you too, dear. I'll tell Clark you said hi. And Lois?" Martha pauses to make the line significant, "Be careful."
ED: She thinks Lois is a twit?
MR: A meddling twit.
ED: Hush, Michael.
KK: Martha hangs up the phone and buzzes her aide, "Yes, senator?"
AoT: "Get me a spot on the next plane bound for Metropolis."
KK: "Yes 'mam."
AoT: Metropolis. Lois puts her phone away. "Too little too late, Vic. The last time they were sighted was..."
KK: "Get in, you're wasting time."
AoT: "Did you not hear me? They're gone."
KK: "They're in Gotham."
AoT: Getting in the car. "How...?"
KK: "I have my sources." He peels out onto the street.
AoT: "You can't wait for a lady to buckle up?"
KK: "One of those, eh?"
AoT: Noticing Vic isn't wearing a seat belt, "You have something against seat belts?" Vic doesn't answer. Lois buckles.
KK: "For years seat belt manufacturers have been..."
AoT: Lois has heard enough, "Save it."
KK: "It's your hypothalamus."
AoT: "Lets just... talk about something else, OK?"
KK: "Absolutely. You are unable to get in touch with your friend Clark."
AoT: Lois turns to look out the window. "On second thought, tell me about the seat belts."
KK: Vic glances to Lois and waits for a moment. "For years seat belt manufacturers have been saturating the polyester fibers in seat belt fabric with a little known chemical called..."
AoT: "Clark wasn't answering."
KK: "Meanwhile Kal-El terrorizes the citizens of Metropolis. I don't believe in coincedence."
AoT: "Well Chloe isn't answering her phone either! Does that prove she's not really who she claims to be either? Oh! I know! You think she has another identity too!"
KK: Vic focuses on driving. "There are... theories."
AoT: Lois looks at Vic like he's wacko. "About Chloe?"
KK: "They explain away many... incongruities between ours and other parallel universes."
ED: Incongruities between what parallel universes?
KK: Not important, Erica. Nothing for you to worry about.
AoT: "Great. From evil seat belts to parallel universes!"
KK: "Don't blame the seat belts. Just like Kal-El they are merely unwilling tools in a sick and twisted game of..."
AoT: "You know what I think of your theories!?!?"
KK: "I have a guess."
AoT: "Clark's mom said she just talked to him and he was fine! So there!"
KK: "Yes. Kal-El's dutiful mother. She would never cover for her son, would she?"
AoT: "Shut up. I know her!"
KK: "If you say so."
AoT: Lois sulks for a moment. Vic continues to drive in silence. "Would you take that mask off? It's creeping me out."
KK: "The mask is necessary."
AoT: "You're so weird."
KK: "True geniuses are rarely appreciated."
AoT: "Yeah? Well neither are sociopaths."
KK: Vic stops the car in front of a small airport.
AoT: "We have plane tickets?"
KK: "No."
AoT: "Then why..."
KK: "Like I said, the mask is necessary."
continued...
KK: Lionel seems tense.
JG: Oh, come on.
KK: Bite me, Glover. "I'm well aware of that, J'onn. I was there when Hasaad brought his army from Apokolips." Lionel rises from his desk, turns to face the window. By now it is sunset, and a plume of smoke can be seen in the distance. "As much as it pains me to say this: we can't rely on Clark alone to save us this time. We may well have to fend for ourselves."
AoT: Reverse shot of Lionel through the window, as J'onn steps forward to enter the shot, "Humanity is not ready, Lionel Luthor. Not for a threat of this magnitude."
MR: Does this martian guy always have to use both the first and last name?
KK: You have a problem with that?
MR: Er, no?
KK: Good. "Humanity has a gift for adapting to tough conditions, J'onn. Obviously I'd prefer we find some sort of peaceful solution to this, but if it comes to it--we've been analyzing all the equipment captured in Hasaad's incursion, and we've been using it to make weapons of our own."
AoT: "You have seen the parademons, yes. Though Darkseid has other weapons at his disposal as well."
KK: Laughs bitterly, "Of course he does. I certainly would." We return to the previous shot in-office as Lionel turns to face J'onn, "We'll find a way to survive this, J'onn. We have to."
AoT: Cut to close shot of the martian, "Very well, Lionel Luthor. I must leave."
KK: Back to Lionel, "Yes, to find Kal-El. It's all right." Cut to the manhunter as he glows red and disappears. Jump-cut to a long zoom from the office door to Lionel's desk, as he sits down heavily and frowns as if the weight of the world were on his shoulders. "We'll find a way to save the world."
AoT: Skyline of a large city. Pull back to show a "Welcome to Gotham" sign.
MR: Maybe they should save beating up the clown until after they get to Gotham.
TW: They'll never let us use anything thing from Batman. Kristin will be lucky if they allow her to keep the reference to Gotham.
KK: You think so, Tom?
AoT: Clark and Lobo fly through the sign, to the sound of a heavy metal guitar riff.
KK: Or Air Supply. You choice, Tom.
TW: Your kindness overwhelmes me.
KK: Now to a street outside the Daily Planet. Lois' phone rings.
ED: Yay Lois!
KK: You applaud her because she carries a phone?
JG: The soft bigitry of lowered expectations.
ED: Shut up! I'm exicted about a Lois scene!
AoT: Lois answers, "Oh, hey Mrs. Kent! Busy? Yes! Er, No. Well, sort of."
AM: God, can't she make up her mind?
MR: It'd help if she had one.
ED: Shut up! You're ruining my scene.
MR: I'm sorry. I forget you can do that all on your own.
[ED glares]
AoT: "There was this crazy super-powered disturbance in town earlier. I was going to investigate with a contact but like every other promising male in my life he's has bailed on me." After a pause, "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure the mutant group isn't involved this time. Well unless they've really souped themselves up since the last time I checked. These bad boys make your typical meteor mutant look like a miniature Chihuahua, all bark and no bite. Either something else has escaped from one of Lex's labs or... I don't know. Aliens or something."
JG: OK. Bored now. Anybody in this scene but Lois?
KK: Vic, wearing his pseudoderm mask pulls up in his car, "Miss Lane."
AoT: Lois motions for Vic to hold on. "Speaking of not having any bite, I can't get in touch with Clark. Have you talked with him recently?"
TW: Oh, that's low.
AoT: Cut to Martha's office. She's doing her best to not show concern. "Clark. He's doing fine. In fact... I just got off the phone with him." She pauses to see if Lois swallows the lie and smiles when she does.
ED: Martha is going to lie to Lois? Why would she do that?
KK: She thinks Lois is a meddling twit?
ED: She doesn't. [To AoT] Does she?
[AoT shrugs]
ED: Annette?
AoT: She is meddling.
ED: And a twit?
AoT: Oh, is it my line? "Glad your contact finally showed up. Nice talking with you too, dear. I'll tell Clark you said hi. And Lois?" Martha pauses to make the line significant, "Be careful."
ED: She thinks Lois is a twit?
MR: A meddling twit.
ED: Hush, Michael.
KK: Martha hangs up the phone and buzzes her aide, "Yes, senator?"
AoT: "Get me a spot on the next plane bound for Metropolis."
KK: "Yes 'mam."
AoT: Metropolis. Lois puts her phone away. "Too little too late, Vic. The last time they were sighted was..."
KK: "Get in, you're wasting time."
AoT: "Did you not hear me? They're gone."
KK: "They're in Gotham."
AoT: Getting in the car. "How...?"
KK: "I have my sources." He peels out onto the street.
AoT: "You can't wait for a lady to buckle up?"
KK: "One of those, eh?"
AoT: Noticing Vic isn't wearing a seat belt, "You have something against seat belts?" Vic doesn't answer. Lois buckles.
KK: "For years seat belt manufacturers have been..."
AoT: Lois has heard enough, "Save it."
KK: "It's your hypothalamus."
AoT: "Lets just... talk about something else, OK?"
KK: "Absolutely. You are unable to get in touch with your friend Clark."
AoT: Lois turns to look out the window. "On second thought, tell me about the seat belts."
KK: Vic glances to Lois and waits for a moment. "For years seat belt manufacturers have been saturating the polyester fibers in seat belt fabric with a little known chemical called..."
AoT: "Clark wasn't answering."
KK: "Meanwhile Kal-El terrorizes the citizens of Metropolis. I don't believe in coincedence."
AoT: "Well Chloe isn't answering her phone either! Does that prove she's not really who she claims to be either? Oh! I know! You think she has another identity too!"
KK: Vic focuses on driving. "There are... theories."
AoT: Lois looks at Vic like he's wacko. "About Chloe?"
KK: "They explain away many... incongruities between ours and other parallel universes."
ED: Incongruities between what parallel universes?
KK: Not important, Erica. Nothing for you to worry about.
AoT: "Great. From evil seat belts to parallel universes!"
KK: "Don't blame the seat belts. Just like Kal-El they are merely unwilling tools in a sick and twisted game of..."
AoT: "You know what I think of your theories!?!?"
KK: "I have a guess."
AoT: "Clark's mom said she just talked to him and he was fine! So there!"
KK: "Yes. Kal-El's dutiful mother. She would never cover for her son, would she?"
AoT: "Shut up. I know her!"
KK: "If you say so."
AoT: Lois sulks for a moment. Vic continues to drive in silence. "Would you take that mask off? It's creeping me out."
KK: "The mask is necessary."
AoT: "You're so weird."
KK: "True geniuses are rarely appreciated."
AoT: "Yeah? Well neither are sociopaths."
KK: Vic stops the car in front of a small airport.
AoT: "We have plane tickets?"
KK: "No."
AoT: "Then why..."
KK: "Like I said, the mask is necessary."
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part VI
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AoT: Now a Montage of Clark and Lobo committing crimes set to heavy metal music.
TW: Crimes?
KK: Either that or shopping together to Air Supply.
TW: Excuse me?
KK: Turns out the rights to "Making Love out of Nothing at All" are cheap.
MR: Personally I'd go with the crime spree.
KK: Tom?
[TW bangs his head on the table]
KK: I thought as much. Highlights include stacking police cars on top of one another, taking turns ripping ATMs off walls and pocketing the money, setting fire to a museum and beating up a clown at a children's birthday party.
TW: Beating up a clown? Are you sick?
MR: You can pretend it's the Joker!
TW: Is it the joker?
KK: No.
AM: Is it a nice clown?
JG: Is there such a thing?
AoT: We were thinking Crusty.
MR: You shouldn't feel too bad about that.
TW: But at a children's party?
MR: Well you can't have everything.
KK: End the montage with Clark and Lobo at a strip club. Clark looks bored.
ED: At a strip club? Is Kal gay?
KK: Erica, have you even been paying the slightest bit of attention?
ED: I just listen for certain key words.
TW: Key words?
ED: Yeah, like "Lois". And "strip".
AM: Clark is wearing another man's tight leather pants. What do you think?
KK: Lobo is having a great time. "Ya-hoo! Shake it baby!" He looks at Clark, "What the hell, Kal? Why so down?"
AM: His lover's decidedly heterosexual affinity for strippers has bruised his ego?
TW: Clark is not gay!
AM: Bi-sexual then.
TW: Shut up!
AoT: "'Bo, I've done the Metropolis thing."
ED: Pet names for each other already? How sweet.
TW: Hush, Erica.
AoT: "Sure, it was fun, but it's all been there, stole that, broke that –"
KK: "Why didn't you say so? I'm sure we can find some other place to roll." Lobo pulls out an alien Blackberry.
MR: I don't think the real Lobo is supposed to be into electronic gadgets.
AM: Or placating depressed lovers.
TW: Shut up!
KK: We need a little product placement to pay for the episode. "Guy who hires me downloaded all kinds of crap about this planet in here."
KK: He shakes his head. "For frell's sake, these humans love the violence! I've been to prison worlds with lower homicide rates!" After taping a few keys he grins, "Ah, now this looks like a fun place to party."
AoT: Cut to a long shot of a limousine moving down a busy street in Metropolis.
ED: Kal and Lobo rented a limo?
KK: No. It's Lex.
MR: Sweet! Mini bar at the shoot!
TW: We don't have budget...
MR: Tightwad.
AoT: There's a newscaster voice over. Erica?
ED: Cool. "Authorities are still trying to identify the person who has claimed responsibility for the destruction of three buildings in south Metropolis today. While he would only identify himself as either 'El Lobo'...."
MR: You've got to say it "Llllllllobo."
ED: "Lllllobo?"
MR: No. "Llllllllobo."
ED: "Llllllobo?"
MR: No. It's...
AoT: You know what? Good enough. Just continue, Erica.
ED: "or 'the Main Man,' however..."
KK: Cut to the inside of the limousine. Lex and Hope are present, watching a small TV screen. Cut for a few seconds to the screen, showing that the newscaster who has been talking is standing in front of a fast food restaurant that is on fire.
ED: "...it appears that he has an accomplice he calls 'Cal.' An anonymous source at the Metropolis Police Department claims that this Cal may be a gang member who disappeared years ago--"
AoT: Lex mutes the TV.
ED: But...
KK: You won't get to do the voice over in the episode anyway, Erica.
ED: Eh, I suppose you're right. Still rude muting me like that.
MR: Yeah. I just wish I could do it in real life.
ED: Quiet.
KK: Lex, "The evacuation is proceeding as planned?"
AoT: Hope answers, "Some good news...at last report critical personnel from the weapons research facility near where Lobo apparently started his search had been moved to our secondary data center at the docks, but when he...went out for barbecue...that took him further away from the other facilities. I have evac teams on standby, but I think we're okay."
KK: "Excellent. So we just wait for him to--" Lex looks briefly concerned, "Wait. What did they just say?"
AoT: "Sir?"
KK: Lex turns up the volume. Cut to a live shot of the flaming restaurant, as the newscaster is talking to a man covered in soot. Michael, you want to read the shouting man on the street?
MR: Sure. "--the [bleep] did they have to torch my place for?!? I made them all the [bleep] ribs the big guy could carry and then this 'Cal' guy literally shows up out of nowhere and [bleep] melts the grills with his [bleep] eyes! While [bleep] laughing! What the [bleep]?!?"
TW: You think you got enough beeps in there?
KK: The uncensored version is going to the guild. Gives the script a little bit of an edge.
TW: Whatever.
KK: Plus it'll be hilarious on TV.
TW: This is supposed to be a family show!
KK: Maybe season one. Have you watched recently?
AM: She's got you there.
ED: Whew.
TW: What?
ED: I heard the word "family show" and thought maybe I'd signed up for the wrong gig.
AoT: Erica, your line?
ED: Oh, uh... "What did this Cal look like?"
MR: "I didn't get that good a look. I mean, he was [bleep] melting [bleep] with his [bleep] eyes!" The man scowls at newscaster, then stomps off-camera. "WHERE THE [BLEEP] IS MY INSURANCE AGENT?!?" That's funny. Tom you gotta admit that's funny.
TW: Whatever. Personally I don't find potty mouths funny.
MR: Chill, man. Ever since Al & Miles left you've walked around like you've got a giant stick up your ass!
TW: I you had any idea the pressure...
MR: Yeah, yeah. You think I don't know pressure? Go whine to somebody who hasn't been tasked with making bald look sexy seven years straight.
KK: Cut to a close shot of Lex. "They called this Cal his...accomplice..." he pounds fist on armrest, "Dammit! Is he playing with us?"
AoT: "You don't think he's actually in cahoots with--"
MR: Cahoots. Heh I love that word.
KK: And here I thought you be upset that Lex's plan has gone south.
MR: I thought we said it was win-win? Lex can't lose.
AM: Lex can always lose.
JG: And usually does.
MR: Shut up.
KK: Lex waves at the unseen chauffeur, "Take me back to LuthorCorp. Wait--take me home." He looks towards Hope, "Hope? Get me Ferret. Now."
AoT: Cut to Lionel's office. As we pan across Otis wheels a cart out of the room holding part of the Apokoliptian equipment, as Lionel and MM watch him leave. John addresses Lionel, "I must find Kal-El at once. It is now imperative that he begin his training immediately."
AM: Hasn't his bio-dad been saying that for years now? Why's Clark going to react any different this time?
TW: Maybe now that Lana's dead...
AM: Oh, yeah. Forget I asked.
KK: "That's not a bad idea, but it might well be too late now for that."
AoT: J'onn walks across the room in front of the desk, "He is not ready to face Darkseid."
KK: "Clark's already faced him once."
MR: Yeah. Didn't he just make things worse?
TW: Quiet.
AoT: "That was with the assistance of Zod. If he faces him alone...I fear he will not survive. And your world may not survive as well, Lionel Luthor."
continued...
AoT: Now a Montage of Clark and Lobo committing crimes set to heavy metal music.
TW: Crimes?
KK: Either that or shopping together to Air Supply.
TW: Excuse me?
KK: Turns out the rights to "Making Love out of Nothing at All" are cheap.
MR: Personally I'd go with the crime spree.
KK: Tom?
[TW bangs his head on the table]
KK: I thought as much. Highlights include stacking police cars on top of one another, taking turns ripping ATMs off walls and pocketing the money, setting fire to a museum and beating up a clown at a children's birthday party.
TW: Beating up a clown? Are you sick?
MR: You can pretend it's the Joker!
TW: Is it the joker?
KK: No.
AM: Is it a nice clown?
JG: Is there such a thing?
AoT: We were thinking Crusty.
MR: You shouldn't feel too bad about that.
TW: But at a children's party?
MR: Well you can't have everything.
KK: End the montage with Clark and Lobo at a strip club. Clark looks bored.
ED: At a strip club? Is Kal gay?
KK: Erica, have you even been paying the slightest bit of attention?
ED: I just listen for certain key words.
TW: Key words?
ED: Yeah, like "Lois". And "strip".
AM: Clark is wearing another man's tight leather pants. What do you think?
KK: Lobo is having a great time. "Ya-hoo! Shake it baby!" He looks at Clark, "What the hell, Kal? Why so down?"
AM: His lover's decidedly heterosexual affinity for strippers has bruised his ego?
TW: Clark is not gay!
AM: Bi-sexual then.
TW: Shut up!
AoT: "'Bo, I've done the Metropolis thing."
ED: Pet names for each other already? How sweet.
TW: Hush, Erica.
AoT: "Sure, it was fun, but it's all been there, stole that, broke that –"
KK: "Why didn't you say so? I'm sure we can find some other place to roll." Lobo pulls out an alien Blackberry.
MR: I don't think the real Lobo is supposed to be into electronic gadgets.
AM: Or placating depressed lovers.
TW: Shut up!
KK: We need a little product placement to pay for the episode. "Guy who hires me downloaded all kinds of crap about this planet in here."
KK: He shakes his head. "For frell's sake, these humans love the violence! I've been to prison worlds with lower homicide rates!" After taping a few keys he grins, "Ah, now this looks like a fun place to party."
AoT: Cut to a long shot of a limousine moving down a busy street in Metropolis.
ED: Kal and Lobo rented a limo?
KK: No. It's Lex.
MR: Sweet! Mini bar at the shoot!
TW: We don't have budget...
MR: Tightwad.
AoT: There's a newscaster voice over. Erica?
ED: Cool. "Authorities are still trying to identify the person who has claimed responsibility for the destruction of three buildings in south Metropolis today. While he would only identify himself as either 'El Lobo'...."
MR: You've got to say it "Llllllllobo."
ED: "Lllllobo?"
MR: No. "Llllllllobo."
ED: "Llllllobo?"
MR: No. It's...
AoT: You know what? Good enough. Just continue, Erica.
ED: "or 'the Main Man,' however..."
KK: Cut to the inside of the limousine. Lex and Hope are present, watching a small TV screen. Cut for a few seconds to the screen, showing that the newscaster who has been talking is standing in front of a fast food restaurant that is on fire.
ED: "...it appears that he has an accomplice he calls 'Cal.' An anonymous source at the Metropolis Police Department claims that this Cal may be a gang member who disappeared years ago--"
AoT: Lex mutes the TV.
ED: But...
KK: You won't get to do the voice over in the episode anyway, Erica.
ED: Eh, I suppose you're right. Still rude muting me like that.
MR: Yeah. I just wish I could do it in real life.
ED: Quiet.
KK: Lex, "The evacuation is proceeding as planned?"
AoT: Hope answers, "Some good news...at last report critical personnel from the weapons research facility near where Lobo apparently started his search had been moved to our secondary data center at the docks, but when he...went out for barbecue...that took him further away from the other facilities. I have evac teams on standby, but I think we're okay."
KK: "Excellent. So we just wait for him to--" Lex looks briefly concerned, "Wait. What did they just say?"
AoT: "Sir?"
KK: Lex turns up the volume. Cut to a live shot of the flaming restaurant, as the newscaster is talking to a man covered in soot. Michael, you want to read the shouting man on the street?
MR: Sure. "--the [bleep] did they have to torch my place for?!? I made them all the [bleep] ribs the big guy could carry and then this 'Cal' guy literally shows up out of nowhere and [bleep] melts the grills with his [bleep] eyes! While [bleep] laughing! What the [bleep]?!?"
TW: You think you got enough beeps in there?
KK: The uncensored version is going to the guild. Gives the script a little bit of an edge.
TW: Whatever.
KK: Plus it'll be hilarious on TV.
TW: This is supposed to be a family show!
KK: Maybe season one. Have you watched recently?
AM: She's got you there.
ED: Whew.
TW: What?
ED: I heard the word "family show" and thought maybe I'd signed up for the wrong gig.
AoT: Erica, your line?
ED: Oh, uh... "What did this Cal look like?"
MR: "I didn't get that good a look. I mean, he was [bleep] melting [bleep] with his [bleep] eyes!" The man scowls at newscaster, then stomps off-camera. "WHERE THE [BLEEP] IS MY INSURANCE AGENT?!?" That's funny. Tom you gotta admit that's funny.
TW: Whatever. Personally I don't find potty mouths funny.
MR: Chill, man. Ever since Al & Miles left you've walked around like you've got a giant stick up your ass!
TW: I you had any idea the pressure...
MR: Yeah, yeah. You think I don't know pressure? Go whine to somebody who hasn't been tasked with making bald look sexy seven years straight.
KK: Cut to a close shot of Lex. "They called this Cal his...accomplice..." he pounds fist on armrest, "Dammit! Is he playing with us?"
AoT: "You don't think he's actually in cahoots with--"
MR: Cahoots. Heh I love that word.
KK: And here I thought you be upset that Lex's plan has gone south.
MR: I thought we said it was win-win? Lex can't lose.
AM: Lex can always lose.
JG: And usually does.
MR: Shut up.
KK: Lex waves at the unseen chauffeur, "Take me back to LuthorCorp. Wait--take me home." He looks towards Hope, "Hope? Get me Ferret. Now."
AoT: Cut to Lionel's office. As we pan across Otis wheels a cart out of the room holding part of the Apokoliptian equipment, as Lionel and MM watch him leave. John addresses Lionel, "I must find Kal-El at once. It is now imperative that he begin his training immediately."
AM: Hasn't his bio-dad been saying that for years now? Why's Clark going to react any different this time?
TW: Maybe now that Lana's dead...
AM: Oh, yeah. Forget I asked.
KK: "That's not a bad idea, but it might well be too late now for that."
AoT: J'onn walks across the room in front of the desk, "He is not ready to face Darkseid."
KK: "Clark's already faced him once."
MR: Yeah. Didn't he just make things worse?
TW: Quiet.
AoT: "That was with the assistance of Zod. If he faces him alone...I fear he will not survive. And your world may not survive as well, Lionel Luthor."
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part V
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
KK: Cut to a an unconscious guard slumped up against the wall tied and gagged in a dark office. Vic Sage is cracking a safe nearby when his phone rings, "Lane."
AoT: We'll be cutting between Lois's DP office and Vic as appropriate. "Vic. We need to meet. Now."
KK: "No can do."
AoT: "But..."
KK: "I'm on the verge of unlocking one of the most tightly held military secrets of all time. This is the culmination of years of...:
AoT: "Military? My father..."
KK: "...the general. I know."
MR: Who doesn't?
KK: "For your sake I pray he is not involved."
AoT: "For my sake...?"
KK: "What have you found?"
AoT: "Someone or something is cutting a swath of destruction through the streets of Metropolis wide enough to swallow even your conspiracy theories."
KK: "You don't take my work seriously. A shame. Once you were a proponent of truth. Tell me, how is your cousin?"
AoT: Lois ignores Q's barb.
ED: What barb?
AoT: "The reports say it's just two guys. But the damage they're leaving behind is way more than what a couple garden variety mutants on a drunken bender are capable of."
KK : Vic turns his attention away from the safe. Concerned, "Then it's begun."
AoT: "What? What's begun?"
JG: For once I'm a clueless as Lois.
ED: Hey!
JG: What's begun?
KK: "Lionel. He's set the ball in motion."
JG: Sweet!
MR: Vic is an idiot. Lex is behind it!
AoT: "You think Lionel is behind this?"
KK: "Of course, isn't it obvious?"
AoT: "Um? No?"
AM: And for once I'm identifying with Lois.
ED: Really?
AM: It's not a good feeling.
ED: Hmmf!
KK: "But it's much too soon. Why now?"
AoT: "What the hell are you talking about?!?!"
KK: "Meet me outside your office in an hour."
AoT: "In an hour?!?! By then...."
KK: "Goodbye." Vic hangs up. "First, let's see what you've been hiding so desperately all these years, Colonel."
AoT: Vic opens the safe. He pulls out a paper and studies it.
KK: "Ingenious. And diabolical. Still..." He puts the paper back into the safe, "...perhaps for now the truth best remains hidden."
AoT: Cut to a view from inside the safe.
KK: The paper is labeled "The Colonel's secret recipe."
AoT: The screen goes black as the safe door shuts.
ED: Vic blew off Lois for a fried chicken recipe?
MR: Well, yeah. I know I would.
ED: Come on. Fried chicken?
MR: KFC has some tasty chicken!
AM: I'm with Michael.
ED: You are?
AM: It's not exactly pork rinds but then again... it's Lois.
ED: You all suck!
KK: Lionel's office. A large spherical object has been connected and two tall poles akin to a pair of mad-scientist type lightning rods; pan up to see that Otis is working on a nearby control console, while Lionel stands behind him and slightly out of focus.
AoT: Otis, "No idea if it will work, Mr. Luthor, but it's connected as per instructions."
KK: "All right. Power it up."
AoT: Otis flips some switches on the console. The sphere glows faintly, a loud humming starts up, and between the poles a circular bluish aura appears accompanied by crackling noises. After a few seconds, the aura pulses twice and then emits a blinding blue flash of light.
KK: Martian Manhunter appears to fall through the flash and lands on the floor as the light fades and the noise dies off. He's beaten and bloodied.
AoT: Otis helps him to his feet.
KK: "Are you all right?" Michael, will you read for the martian.
MR: "I am. Thank you for your assistance. I wasn't sure you would get my message... Have you told Kal-El--"
KK: "Not yet, J'onn. I... wanted to be sure of the risks before worrying him needlessly."
MR: "I assure you the risks are very real."
KK: Lionel pauses, "What exactly can you tell me about this place you call...Apokolips? And this man named Darkseid?"
MR: "Only that Darkseid cannot be called a man and Apokolips is as close to hell as one can get while still living... if one calls life on Apokolips living."
KK: Lionel points at some of the equipment bearing the symbol of the Apokoliptian army. "We've had dealings with him while you were away."
MR: "He already had men on Earth. Kal-El and I turned to Zod for help but we were tricked. Zod sent me to the Phantom Zone. There I heard rumors... nothing specific. Darkseid suffered a setback...but was not defeated. That is why I risked much to contact you... and gave you means to co-ordinate my extraction."
AoT: The martian considers his words. Dramatic music starts up.
MR: "Darkseid...is exactly as his name implies. He is devoid of compassion, of empathy, of remorse, of pity. He is...darkness. And he has turned his gaze to Earth."
KK: "You can thank Zod for that. He went through some kind of portal to Apokolips...and Clark said he died there, trying to exact some kind of revenge against Darkseid for--"
TW: Excuse me but when the hell did Clark tell Lionel any of this?
KK: Offscreenville, where all the good stuff happens.
TW: Clark would never...
AoT: What happens offscreenville stays in offscreenville, Tom.
ED: What the hell does that mean?
AoT: I'm not sure but I've wanted to say it for a long time.
KK: Can I finish my line?
TW: But Clark would never...
KK: Want me to add another scene to Revolt?
TW: Not really.
KK: Then let it happen in offscreenville.
TW: Stupid offscreenville!
KK: "He died there, trying to exact some kind of revenge against Darkseid. For what I don't know."
MR: "The destruction of Krypton."
ED: Dun-dun-dun!
KK: Lionel is in awe, "Darkseid destroyed... Krypton?" Finally there's a magnificent bastard even he can look up to.
JG: Let's not get carried away.
MR: "Darkseid sabotaged Krypton's sun shortly after General Zod was exiled to the Phantom Zone. The resulting supernova destroyed the planet...but not before he announced his intentions to all Kryptonians, knowing that they could not stop him."
AoT: Quick reaction shot of Otis. Lionel looks concerned. Slow zoom on the martian.
MR: "If there is one thing you should know about Darkseid, Lionel Luthor it is that he will not stop before he attains his objective, whatever it may be. He will not stop."
ED: He's like the little engine that could!
KK: Not the analogy I would have made. Slow zoom on Lionel "And thanks to Zod, he may have a new objective: Earth."
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth.
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth.
KK: OK, enough, you two.
AoT: Cut to a hallway at LuthorCorp. Lex is walking with his secretary as Hope intercepts him. "Lex? We have contact."
KK: "I see...where?"
AoT: "South Metropolis."
KK: "Have critical personnel evacuated from our facilities there. If necessary, use the Spa..." Lex pauses for a moment.
AM: Bitter that Chloe took the Spartans with her, I assume.
MR: And how he'll probably never have sweet hot sex with his harmen of Chloe clones ever again.
AM: You're sick.
MR: It's not my fantasy! It's Lex's! Lex is the wack job!
KK: Right.
AoT: So if we wrote a Chlone orgy for Lex you wouldn't...
AM: You better not!
MR: I'd... I'd make the sacrifice for the sake of my craft. But I wouldn't enjoy it.
[TW gives MR a skeptical glance]
MR: Much.
AoT: "Lex?"
KK: "If necessary the PAS may assist."
AoT: "Yes, sir."
KK: Hope hurries off.
AoT: Lex's secretary is confused, "Contact, Mr. Luthor?"
JG: Lois is Lex's new secretary?
ED: Shut up.
KK: "Nothing to concern yourself with. Everything is proceeding just as it should be."
continued...
KK: Cut to a an unconscious guard slumped up against the wall tied and gagged in a dark office. Vic Sage is cracking a safe nearby when his phone rings, "Lane."
AoT: We'll be cutting between Lois's DP office and Vic as appropriate. "Vic. We need to meet. Now."
KK: "No can do."
AoT: "But..."
KK: "I'm on the verge of unlocking one of the most tightly held military secrets of all time. This is the culmination of years of...:
AoT: "Military? My father..."
KK: "...the general. I know."
MR: Who doesn't?
KK: "For your sake I pray he is not involved."
AoT: "For my sake...?"
KK: "What have you found?"
AoT: "Someone or something is cutting a swath of destruction through the streets of Metropolis wide enough to swallow even your conspiracy theories."
KK: "You don't take my work seriously. A shame. Once you were a proponent of truth. Tell me, how is your cousin?"
AoT: Lois ignores Q's barb.
ED: What barb?
AoT: "The reports say it's just two guys. But the damage they're leaving behind is way more than what a couple garden variety mutants on a drunken bender are capable of."
KK : Vic turns his attention away from the safe. Concerned, "Then it's begun."
AoT: "What? What's begun?"
JG: For once I'm a clueless as Lois.
ED: Hey!
JG: What's begun?
KK: "Lionel. He's set the ball in motion."
JG: Sweet!
MR: Vic is an idiot. Lex is behind it!
AoT: "You think Lionel is behind this?"
KK: "Of course, isn't it obvious?"
AoT: "Um? No?"
AM: And for once I'm identifying with Lois.
ED: Really?
AM: It's not a good feeling.
ED: Hmmf!
KK: "But it's much too soon. Why now?"
AoT: "What the hell are you talking about?!?!"
KK: "Meet me outside your office in an hour."
AoT: "In an hour?!?! By then...."
KK: "Goodbye." Vic hangs up. "First, let's see what you've been hiding so desperately all these years, Colonel."
AoT: Vic opens the safe. He pulls out a paper and studies it.
KK: "Ingenious. And diabolical. Still..." He puts the paper back into the safe, "...perhaps for now the truth best remains hidden."
AoT: Cut to a view from inside the safe.
KK: The paper is labeled "The Colonel's secret recipe."
AoT: The screen goes black as the safe door shuts.
ED: Vic blew off Lois for a fried chicken recipe?
MR: Well, yeah. I know I would.
ED: Come on. Fried chicken?
MR: KFC has some tasty chicken!
AM: I'm with Michael.
ED: You are?
AM: It's not exactly pork rinds but then again... it's Lois.
ED: You all suck!
KK: Lionel's office. A large spherical object has been connected and two tall poles akin to a pair of mad-scientist type lightning rods; pan up to see that Otis is working on a nearby control console, while Lionel stands behind him and slightly out of focus.
AoT: Otis, "No idea if it will work, Mr. Luthor, but it's connected as per instructions."
KK: "All right. Power it up."
AoT: Otis flips some switches on the console. The sphere glows faintly, a loud humming starts up, and between the poles a circular bluish aura appears accompanied by crackling noises. After a few seconds, the aura pulses twice and then emits a blinding blue flash of light.
KK: Martian Manhunter appears to fall through the flash and lands on the floor as the light fades and the noise dies off. He's beaten and bloodied.
AoT: Otis helps him to his feet.
KK: "Are you all right?" Michael, will you read for the martian.
MR: "I am. Thank you for your assistance. I wasn't sure you would get my message... Have you told Kal-El--"
KK: "Not yet, J'onn. I... wanted to be sure of the risks before worrying him needlessly."
MR: "I assure you the risks are very real."
KK: Lionel pauses, "What exactly can you tell me about this place you call...Apokolips? And this man named Darkseid?"
MR: "Only that Darkseid cannot be called a man and Apokolips is as close to hell as one can get while still living... if one calls life on Apokolips living."
KK: Lionel points at some of the equipment bearing the symbol of the Apokoliptian army. "We've had dealings with him while you were away."
MR: "He already had men on Earth. Kal-El and I turned to Zod for help but we were tricked. Zod sent me to the Phantom Zone. There I heard rumors... nothing specific. Darkseid suffered a setback...but was not defeated. That is why I risked much to contact you... and gave you means to co-ordinate my extraction."
AoT: The martian considers his words. Dramatic music starts up.
MR: "Darkseid...is exactly as his name implies. He is devoid of compassion, of empathy, of remorse, of pity. He is...darkness. And he has turned his gaze to Earth."
KK: "You can thank Zod for that. He went through some kind of portal to Apokolips...and Clark said he died there, trying to exact some kind of revenge against Darkseid for--"
TW: Excuse me but when the hell did Clark tell Lionel any of this?
KK: Offscreenville, where all the good stuff happens.
TW: Clark would never...
AoT: What happens offscreenville stays in offscreenville, Tom.
ED: What the hell does that mean?
AoT: I'm not sure but I've wanted to say it for a long time.
KK: Can I finish my line?
TW: But Clark would never...
KK: Want me to add another scene to Revolt?
TW: Not really.
KK: Then let it happen in offscreenville.
TW: Stupid offscreenville!
KK: "He died there, trying to exact some kind of revenge against Darkseid. For what I don't know."
MR: "The destruction of Krypton."
ED: Dun-dun-dun!
KK: Lionel is in awe, "Darkseid destroyed... Krypton?" Finally there's a magnificent bastard even he can look up to.
JG: Let's not get carried away.
MR: "Darkseid sabotaged Krypton's sun shortly after General Zod was exiled to the Phantom Zone. The resulting supernova destroyed the planet...but not before he announced his intentions to all Kryptonians, knowing that they could not stop him."
AoT: Quick reaction shot of Otis. Lionel looks concerned. Slow zoom on the martian.
MR: "If there is one thing you should know about Darkseid, Lionel Luthor it is that he will not stop before he attains his objective, whatever it may be. He will not stop."
ED: He's like the little engine that could!
KK: Not the analogy I would have made. Slow zoom on Lionel "And thanks to Zod, he may have a new objective: Earth."
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth.
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth
ED: I think I can...
MR: ...destroy earth.
KK: OK, enough, you two.
AoT: Cut to a hallway at LuthorCorp. Lex is walking with his secretary as Hope intercepts him. "Lex? We have contact."
KK: "I see...where?"
AoT: "South Metropolis."
KK: "Have critical personnel evacuated from our facilities there. If necessary, use the Spa..." Lex pauses for a moment.
AM: Bitter that Chloe took the Spartans with her, I assume.
MR: And how he'll probably never have sweet hot sex with his harmen of Chloe clones ever again.
AM: You're sick.
MR: It's not my fantasy! It's Lex's! Lex is the wack job!
KK: Right.
AoT: So if we wrote a Chlone orgy for Lex you wouldn't...
AM: You better not!
MR: I'd... I'd make the sacrifice for the sake of my craft. But I wouldn't enjoy it.
[TW gives MR a skeptical glance]
MR: Much.
AoT: "Lex?"
KK: "If necessary the PAS may assist."
AoT: "Yes, sir."
KK: Hope hurries off.
AoT: Lex's secretary is confused, "Contact, Mr. Luthor?"
JG: Lois is Lex's new secretary?
ED: Shut up.
KK: "Nothing to concern yourself with. Everything is proceeding just as it should be."
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part IV
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
KK: Clark checks out his clothes and grimaces, "God, I hate flannel."
AoT: But he's shirtless!
KK: Right. There's a shirt hanging on the chair.
TW: At least red K Clark and I agree about something.
KK: He runs to his room and rifles through his clothes, flannel shirts and blue jeans flying everywhere. "Crap, crap, crap. I need new clothes." He smiles and super speeds out.
ED: So red K Clark is headed for the Gap?
KK: No.
AM: Abercrombie and Finch?
KK: Nope.
MR: Where?
AoT: Cut to a Biker bar.
TW: Just freaking great.
AoT: A juke box plays old school rock & roll. It is dark, smoky and sleazy.
KK: The double doors open revealing a smirking Clark, back-lit by bright sunlight.
AoT: Still shirtless.
TW: [sighs]
KK: Clark looks around and walks up to a large man playing pool. "Those are some nice looking pants."
TW: Excuse me?
AoT: Good Tom. That's the look the man gives Clark.
KK: "Why don't you take them off?"
TW: Kristin...
AoT: The man laughs, "No thanks, brother. I don't swing that way." He turns back to the game.
KK: Clark grins and lifts him into the air, "I wasn't asking."
AoT: Another man breaks his pool cue over Clark's head.
KK: Clark backhands him into a juke box.
TW: Great. Just great.
KK: A brawl breaks out and Clark laughs as he tosses the bikers around.
MR: Scared yet, Tom?
KK: A Metropolis alley. Lobo sits on his bike. Ferret hands him a file. John?
JG: "That should be everything you need to locate your target."
KK: Looking through file, "A Kryptonian? You want me to whack a Kryptonian?"
JG: "Is that a problem?"
KK: "Hell no! I haven't killed a Kryptonian in years! Frag me, I would have done the job for half price if you'd a told me!"
JG: Ferret grins, "Fortunately for my commission, that is not an issue."
KK: He hands the file back, "Anything else?"
JG: "Kal-El has something of a hero complex."
TW: A hero complex? He is a hero!
KK: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Tom. "A hero? I never get tired of kicking do-gooder ass."
JG: "If you cause a bit of a ruckus, it may help to get his attention."
KK: Lobo like the idea, "A bit of a ruckus?"
JG: "Extensive property damage, some riots, a large body count – I will leave it to your discretion."
KK: "Just what I like to hear." He rides out of the alley, flies through traffic shooting at random, "Bring out your beer and your babes! The Main Man is in town! Where are ya, Kal-El, ya lazy bastich?"
TW: I really don't think I like where this is going.
AM: Does Chloe get to save Clark from Lobo?
KK: Hmmm. No.
ED: Lois?
KK: No.
MR: Lobo kills him!
KK: No.
TW: Then who...?
[AoT smiles]
MR: Oh, not another yellow crayon speech!
AoT: I didn't say anything.
MR: Please tell me Martha isn't going to sway Lobo with some crappy little yellow crayon speech!
KK: Shut up, Michael.
MR: But...
JG: Maybe that and some homemade apple pie.
AM: Fighting pie with pie. I like it.
MR: If Martha's pie turns Lobo good I'll barf.
ED: Why? It turned Lionel good.
JG: It did no such thing! Lionel is evil to the core!
AoT: No, I think Martha's pie turned him good.
JG: Annette, how could you say such a thing?
MR: Her pie or her 'pie'.
TW: Oh, god! Please stop!
AoT: I think we all know which of Martha's pies interests Lionel most.
TW: I said stop!!!!
JG: OK. Well, maybe that kind of pie could turn a man good. A heterosexual man, I mean.
TW: [Covers his ears] La la la!!!!!! I can't hear you!!!!!!
KK: Back at the now ruined biker bar Clark is zipping up the leather pants that were formerly on the Large Man. He looks down at the unconscious, now pants-free man.
TW: I swear.
AoT: "Yes, these are some fine looking pants."
KK: Even though they're like at least one size to small.
AoT: That's what makes them fine looking.
[TW puts his head in his hands]
KK: Clark looks around. "Now, who has a shirt?"
[TW bangs his head on the table.]
AoT: The we run a few commercials to pay for this next scene.
KK: And come back to a close up of a television, showing a helicopter view of a police chase.
AoT: The News Broadcaster -- Erica, you want to do this?
ED: Sure! I love pretending to be in the news bizz! "This rampage through downtown Metropolis has continued for more than a hour, with the MPD unable to contain the motorcycle riding madman."
AoT: The Camera zooms in on Lobo leading a Blues Brothers-esque train of police cars. Lobo is drinking from a liter bottle of Jack Daniels and weaving in and out of traffic.
MR: You go, man!
ED: "Oh my God! He is heading right for that school bus!"
AoT: At the last minute, Lobo rides straight up out of frame. The bus narrowly misses the police cars, which quickly crash into one another. He reappears next to the helicopter.
KK: "Did you see that? Fraggin' classic! Hey, Kal, where are you? Too scared to come out and fight a real man? Com on, ya sissy!" Lobo looks past the camera, "Hey, you know where I can get some decent grub around here?"
AoT: Pull away for TV to show it's inside a bar, the Atlantis. Lobo sits at a table covered in empty bottles and chicken wings, laughing.
KK: "Damn, that does not stop being funny! Got to say, the man was right – these are some tasty wings." He burps, "Frag me, who do you have to kill to a little service?"
AoT: Lobo walks to the bar.
KK: To the bartender, "Hey! The Main Man is thirsty! Screw it, I'll do it myself!"
AoT: He rips the top off of the bar and pulls out a keg. He bites a hole in the bottom and pours the beer down his throat. After a few seconds, he tosses the empty away, eliciting screams.
KK: "Now that's more like it!" He reaches for another keg.
AoT: A hand taps Lobo on the shoulder. The unseen Man, "You're in my spot."
KK: Ignoring him, "Blow me!"
TW: Can we say that?
KK: We can say it. Unfortunately we can't show it.
AoT: The unseen man punches Lobo into a table full of women.
KK: As he stands up, "Hey ladies! No, work first, babes second!" He shakes his head, then sniffs like a dog. "Hold on, you smell like a... Kryptonian."
AoT: Pan back to a smiling tight leather clad Clark.
KK: "Kal-El, right?"
AoT: "Kal is fine."
KK: Grinning, "Good booze, tasty eats, hot bitches and the bounties just walk up and say hello. Frell me, I love this world!"
AoT: Lobo punches Clark in the jaw, slamming him into the air and against a brick wall.
KK: "Let's go!"
AoT: Lobo and Clark brawl, laying waste to Atlantis, laughing all the while.
TW: [Bangs head on table]
AoT: "Hold on!"
KK: Pointing a knife at Clark, "Why?"
AoT: "Look at how much damage we did fighting each other. Can you imagine how much fun we could have together?"
TW: Excuse me?
JG: Did Clark just... make a pass at Lobo?
KK: Lobo is suspicious, "What are you talking about, Kryptonian?"
MR: Of course he is. Lobo doesn't swing that way!
AoT: "You know, as a team."
KK: "I don't know what you've heard, son, but I don't think we play for the same team."
MR: Preach it Lobo!
TW: Clark doesn't play on that team either!
KK: Since when?
AoT: "What's the matter? Afraid to give it a try?"
TW: Please tell me you're joking.
KK: "I'm not afraid of nothin'." He hesitates, "Alright, I'll give your way a shot."
MR: No! You can't do HoYay with Lobo!
JG: Why not?
MR: Because... it's Lobo!
KK: Whatever. Lobo laughs, "I can always kill you later. But first, let's finish the beer!"
AoT: "Damn straight." Lobo tosses Kal a keg.
continued...
KK: Clark checks out his clothes and grimaces, "God, I hate flannel."
AoT: But he's shirtless!
KK: Right. There's a shirt hanging on the chair.
TW: At least red K Clark and I agree about something.
KK: He runs to his room and rifles through his clothes, flannel shirts and blue jeans flying everywhere. "Crap, crap, crap. I need new clothes." He smiles and super speeds out.
ED: So red K Clark is headed for the Gap?
KK: No.
AM: Abercrombie and Finch?
KK: Nope.
MR: Where?
AoT: Cut to a Biker bar.
TW: Just freaking great.
AoT: A juke box plays old school rock & roll. It is dark, smoky and sleazy.
KK: The double doors open revealing a smirking Clark, back-lit by bright sunlight.
AoT: Still shirtless.
TW: [sighs]
KK: Clark looks around and walks up to a large man playing pool. "Those are some nice looking pants."
TW: Excuse me?
AoT: Good Tom. That's the look the man gives Clark.
KK: "Why don't you take them off?"
TW: Kristin...
AoT: The man laughs, "No thanks, brother. I don't swing that way." He turns back to the game.
KK: Clark grins and lifts him into the air, "I wasn't asking."
AoT: Another man breaks his pool cue over Clark's head.
KK: Clark backhands him into a juke box.
TW: Great. Just great.
KK: A brawl breaks out and Clark laughs as he tosses the bikers around.
MR: Scared yet, Tom?
KK: A Metropolis alley. Lobo sits on his bike. Ferret hands him a file. John?
JG: "That should be everything you need to locate your target."
KK: Looking through file, "A Kryptonian? You want me to whack a Kryptonian?"
JG: "Is that a problem?"
KK: "Hell no! I haven't killed a Kryptonian in years! Frag me, I would have done the job for half price if you'd a told me!"
JG: Ferret grins, "Fortunately for my commission, that is not an issue."
KK: He hands the file back, "Anything else?"
JG: "Kal-El has something of a hero complex."
TW: A hero complex? He is a hero!
KK: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Tom. "A hero? I never get tired of kicking do-gooder ass."
JG: "If you cause a bit of a ruckus, it may help to get his attention."
KK: Lobo like the idea, "A bit of a ruckus?"
JG: "Extensive property damage, some riots, a large body count – I will leave it to your discretion."
KK: "Just what I like to hear." He rides out of the alley, flies through traffic shooting at random, "Bring out your beer and your babes! The Main Man is in town! Where are ya, Kal-El, ya lazy bastich?"
TW: I really don't think I like where this is going.
AM: Does Chloe get to save Clark from Lobo?
KK: Hmmm. No.
ED: Lois?
KK: No.
MR: Lobo kills him!
KK: No.
TW: Then who...?
[AoT smiles]
MR: Oh, not another yellow crayon speech!
AoT: I didn't say anything.
MR: Please tell me Martha isn't going to sway Lobo with some crappy little yellow crayon speech!
KK: Shut up, Michael.
MR: But...
JG: Maybe that and some homemade apple pie.
AM: Fighting pie with pie. I like it.
MR: If Martha's pie turns Lobo good I'll barf.
ED: Why? It turned Lionel good.
JG: It did no such thing! Lionel is evil to the core!
AoT: No, I think Martha's pie turned him good.
JG: Annette, how could you say such a thing?
MR: Her pie or her 'pie'.
TW: Oh, god! Please stop!
AoT: I think we all know which of Martha's pies interests Lionel most.
TW: I said stop!!!!
JG: OK. Well, maybe that kind of pie could turn a man good. A heterosexual man, I mean.
TW: [Covers his ears] La la la!!!!!! I can't hear you!!!!!!
KK: Back at the now ruined biker bar Clark is zipping up the leather pants that were formerly on the Large Man. He looks down at the unconscious, now pants-free man.
TW: I swear.
AoT: "Yes, these are some fine looking pants."
KK: Even though they're like at least one size to small.
AoT: That's what makes them fine looking.
[TW puts his head in his hands]
KK: Clark looks around. "Now, who has a shirt?"
[TW bangs his head on the table.]
AoT: The we run a few commercials to pay for this next scene.
KK: And come back to a close up of a television, showing a helicopter view of a police chase.
AoT: The News Broadcaster -- Erica, you want to do this?
ED: Sure! I love pretending to be in the news bizz! "This rampage through downtown Metropolis has continued for more than a hour, with the MPD unable to contain the motorcycle riding madman."
AoT: The Camera zooms in on Lobo leading a Blues Brothers-esque train of police cars. Lobo is drinking from a liter bottle of Jack Daniels and weaving in and out of traffic.
MR: You go, man!
ED: "Oh my God! He is heading right for that school bus!"
AoT: At the last minute, Lobo rides straight up out of frame. The bus narrowly misses the police cars, which quickly crash into one another. He reappears next to the helicopter.
KK: "Did you see that? Fraggin' classic! Hey, Kal, where are you? Too scared to come out and fight a real man? Com on, ya sissy!" Lobo looks past the camera, "Hey, you know where I can get some decent grub around here?"
AoT: Pull away for TV to show it's inside a bar, the Atlantis. Lobo sits at a table covered in empty bottles and chicken wings, laughing.
KK: "Damn, that does not stop being funny! Got to say, the man was right – these are some tasty wings." He burps, "Frag me, who do you have to kill to a little service?"
AoT: Lobo walks to the bar.
KK: To the bartender, "Hey! The Main Man is thirsty! Screw it, I'll do it myself!"
AoT: He rips the top off of the bar and pulls out a keg. He bites a hole in the bottom and pours the beer down his throat. After a few seconds, he tosses the empty away, eliciting screams.
KK: "Now that's more like it!" He reaches for another keg.
AoT: A hand taps Lobo on the shoulder. The unseen Man, "You're in my spot."
KK: Ignoring him, "Blow me!"
TW: Can we say that?
KK: We can say it. Unfortunately we can't show it.
AoT: The unseen man punches Lobo into a table full of women.
KK: As he stands up, "Hey ladies! No, work first, babes second!" He shakes his head, then sniffs like a dog. "Hold on, you smell like a... Kryptonian."
AoT: Pan back to a smiling tight leather clad Clark.
KK: "Kal-El, right?"
AoT: "Kal is fine."
KK: Grinning, "Good booze, tasty eats, hot bitches and the bounties just walk up and say hello. Frell me, I love this world!"
AoT: Lobo punches Clark in the jaw, slamming him into the air and against a brick wall.
KK: "Let's go!"
AoT: Lobo and Clark brawl, laying waste to Atlantis, laughing all the while.
TW: [Bangs head on table]
AoT: "Hold on!"
KK: Pointing a knife at Clark, "Why?"
AoT: "Look at how much damage we did fighting each other. Can you imagine how much fun we could have together?"
TW: Excuse me?
JG: Did Clark just... make a pass at Lobo?
KK: Lobo is suspicious, "What are you talking about, Kryptonian?"
MR: Of course he is. Lobo doesn't swing that way!
AoT: "You know, as a team."
KK: "I don't know what you've heard, son, but I don't think we play for the same team."
MR: Preach it Lobo!
TW: Clark doesn't play on that team either!
KK: Since when?
AoT: "What's the matter? Afraid to give it a try?"
TW: Please tell me you're joking.
KK: "I'm not afraid of nothin'." He hesitates, "Alright, I'll give your way a shot."
MR: No! You can't do HoYay with Lobo!
JG: Why not?
MR: Because... it's Lobo!
KK: Whatever. Lobo laughs, "I can always kill you later. But first, let's finish the beer!"
AoT: "Damn straight." Lobo tosses Kal a keg.
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part III
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AM: At least Clark's scenes don't consist of ordering around mindless clones and flirting with the Pillsbury Dough boy.
AoT: The boy bangs an imaginary cymbal. Chloe...
MR: Looks even more annoyed?
AoT: Kind of like Kristen right now. "Sorry, it's a joke. You know. The rhyme?"
KK: "I'm familiar with the rhyme. Turn around."
[MR turns around]
KK: Not you, Michael.
MR: Oh, sorry.
AoT: The deliver boy turns around. "You're not going to spit in it are you? You know we could loose our sanitation certificate if I deliver a pie with spit on it."
KK: Meanwhile Chloe pulls out a chunk of red K and files a bit onto the pie. "Don't worry. I'm not spitting on it."
AM: She what?
KK: She whispers to herself, "That ought to loosen Clark up a little."
TW: Loosen him up!?!?! What are you up to?
MR: You worried yet, Tom?
TW: No!
JG: Who knows what she'll have Clark do on red K.
TW: Canonically whatever he does under red K isn't his fault.
KK: Canon shmanon. As she puts the red K away, "There, all done."
AoT: The boy turns back around, "What'd you do?"
KK: Sly smile, "Just sweetened it up a little."
AoT: "Sweetened it up. Heh." He winks. "Can't say I haven't seen this before. It's for your boyfriend, huh?"
KK: "What are you implying?"
AoT: "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, Senorita. Give me his address and I'll just be buzzing along on my way."
MR: She gave Clark the Kryptonian equivalent of a Spanish fly!
TW: Now hold on a second!
JG: Is he going to impregnate Lois?
ED: What!?!?! I thought we killed that plot line!
KK: Don't worry. He's not going to impregnate Lois.
MR: Chloe?
AM: Oh, god.
KK: No!
TW: Whew.
KK: So you think you dodged bullet, huh?
JG: Wait. He's going to impregnate Martha?
TW: There's no way!
AM: Clark did already kill his father.
TW: He did not!
AM: Metaphorically. But is the guild really going to look favorably on a rip off of Oedipus?
KK: I'm not ripping of Oedipus!!!!!
TW: Thank heaven.
KK: Chloe hands him a piece of paper, "Here's the address. Tell him it's from Lois."
ED: She's going to blame it on Lois?
AoT: Why not? It's not as if we can do much more damage to Clark's opinion of her.
ED: Hey!
AoT: "Lois. Right. Any message?"
KK: "Just that she hopes he enjoys it."
AoT: He eyes Chloe lustily, "I'm sure he will. Good luck tonight, not that you'll need it!"
KK: Cut to Lex's office. For exposition hell. Hope waits as Lex talks on the phone. "...I assure you, Governor, as it stands the Slab will be ready only a month behind our original schedule. No more. Yes, of course the guard was fired. Thank you, sir." He hangs up and address Hope. "Hope, I think I have actually had my fill of politicians for the day."
AoT: "Should I bring in the construction foreman?"
KK: "She can wait. What's the status of Vault Black?"
AoT: "Repairs there are proceeding ahead of schedule. Whatever happened in there mainly caused structural damage, so none of the primary facilities were seriously affected apart from access ways and the security cameras--the footage from the ones that survived intact showed that apparently Subject C36--" Noticing Lex looking at her askance she self corrects, "...Chloe Sullivan was brought there against her will by..."
KK: "Milton Fine."
AoT: Hope seems surprised.
KK: "Ms. Sullivan and I have... been in touch."
AoT: "Yes, sir. The thing is it wasn't actually Fine, more like something impersonating him, some sort of machine. All we really know for certain is that it apparently possessed some sort of polymorphic ability, it disabled the guards outside Vault Black itself, and that it nearly killed Ms. Sullivan before she somehow managed to paralyze and destroy it."
KK: "It was Fine alright." Lex looks thoughtful, "How much footage survived?"
AoT: "Not much, sir, outside of one of the control-implant chambers. However, Security also identified three mutants who were with Fine, or whatever it was, and had been subdued some time before Fine's destruction."
TW: Wasn't this all covered. I don't know, in the previous episode?
KK: Yes, but the guild members...
JG: Don't watch this crappy show.
KK: Thanks, John.
TW: And "Previously on Smallville"?
KK: The guild frowns on that sort of thing. Lex accesses and watches the security footage on his computer, "What happened to Fine's accomplices?"
AoT: "Transferred to a 33.1 facility though they no longer seem to exhibit any meteor based abilities."
KK: "Cured."
AoT: "Shall I release them?"
KK: "No." He turns off the security footage, "I want updated security reports from all divisions. For the time being any discrepancies are to be investigated, no matter how inconsequential."
AoT: "I'll get on it."
KK: "All right. Thank you, Hope, that's all."
AoT: Hope exits.
KK: Lex looks thoughtful for a moment, then turns on the TV in his office and watches a news broadcast.
AoT: A female reporter stands on the site of the slab incident. Erica?
ED: "--PR for LuthorCorp has already announced that while the riot and ensuing damage to this billion-dollar project has delayed its opening, the decision to open it at all has not been affected. Shortly after that announcement was made, Governor Smith and U.S. Senator Martha Kent issued a joint statement saying that 'the Slab is not intended to become another Abu Ghraib--it is only meant as a means of dealing with those, meta-human and otherwise, for whom normal judicial means are inadequate.' From the Slab outside Metropolis, this is Evelyn Te--"
KK: Lex turns off the TV.
ED: Dammit!
KK: "Inadequate. How right you are..."
AoT: Kent farm. Clark, sweaty, shirtless, and sexy from working on the farm...
TW: Annette?
AoT: What? You've got to give... the fans what they want, right?
[TW shakes his head]
AoT: Anyway sexy shirtless Tom super speeds into the kitchen and gets a drink of water. The door bell rings. It's the deliver boy, "Who needs to fill their pie hole?"
MR: Clark, apparently.
KK: "Excuse me?"
AoT: Handing Clark the pie, "Complements of the pie hole that never shuts."
TW: Again?
KK: Tom, does your pie whole ever shut?
TW: I...
KK: Thank you. "Pie?"
AoT: "Not just pie! A deluxe apple pie!"
KK: "Hurray!"
TW: Hurray?
KK: Shut your pie hole, Tom. "Who -"
AoT: "You are one lucky guy having a sexy girl like that sending you this delicious pastry."
KK: "But –"
AoT: As he walks off, "Lois said she hopes you enjoy it." He winks, "If you know what I mean."
KK: Clark gives him an confused look.
JG: Now there's a surprise.
TW: Shut up!
KK: "Lois? God, I bet she can even ruin a pie someone else baked."
ED: What?
KK: Clark cuts a piece and takes a bite. There is a slight red glow on the pie.
TW: Why do I have a feeling this isn't going to end well?
MR: Because you dared Kristin to make Clark look worse?
ED: I don't care what happens as long as Lois doesn't end up pregnant.
[TW glares at ED]
ED: What?
KK: "That's... not bad." He takes another bite, "Wow." He super-speed eats the piece, then cuts another one.
TW: Superspeeding pie? Come on!
KK: "Damn, that is a tasty pie." Clark eats the entire pie.
TW: He eats the whole pie!?!?
KK: In superspeed. His eyes glow red.
KK: Clark wipes his crust covered mouth with...
AoT: ...his sweaty naked forearm.
KK: "I need to remember to order from those guys again."
TW: Oh. My. God.
continued...
AM: At least Clark's scenes don't consist of ordering around mindless clones and flirting with the Pillsbury Dough boy.
AoT: The boy bangs an imaginary cymbal. Chloe...
MR: Looks even more annoyed?
AoT: Kind of like Kristen right now. "Sorry, it's a joke. You know. The rhyme?"
KK: "I'm familiar with the rhyme. Turn around."
[MR turns around]
KK: Not you, Michael.
MR: Oh, sorry.
AoT: The deliver boy turns around. "You're not going to spit in it are you? You know we could loose our sanitation certificate if I deliver a pie with spit on it."
KK: Meanwhile Chloe pulls out a chunk of red K and files a bit onto the pie. "Don't worry. I'm not spitting on it."
AM: She what?
KK: She whispers to herself, "That ought to loosen Clark up a little."
TW: Loosen him up!?!?! What are you up to?
MR: You worried yet, Tom?
TW: No!
JG: Who knows what she'll have Clark do on red K.
TW: Canonically whatever he does under red K isn't his fault.
KK: Canon shmanon. As she puts the red K away, "There, all done."
AoT: The boy turns back around, "What'd you do?"
KK: Sly smile, "Just sweetened it up a little."
AoT: "Sweetened it up. Heh." He winks. "Can't say I haven't seen this before. It's for your boyfriend, huh?"
KK: "What are you implying?"
AoT: "Oh, nothing. Nothing at all, Senorita. Give me his address and I'll just be buzzing along on my way."
MR: She gave Clark the Kryptonian equivalent of a Spanish fly!
TW: Now hold on a second!
JG: Is he going to impregnate Lois?
ED: What!?!?! I thought we killed that plot line!
KK: Don't worry. He's not going to impregnate Lois.
MR: Chloe?
AM: Oh, god.
KK: No!
TW: Whew.
KK: So you think you dodged bullet, huh?
JG: Wait. He's going to impregnate Martha?
TW: There's no way!
AM: Clark did already kill his father.
TW: He did not!
AM: Metaphorically. But is the guild really going to look favorably on a rip off of Oedipus?
KK: I'm not ripping of Oedipus!!!!!
TW: Thank heaven.
KK: Chloe hands him a piece of paper, "Here's the address. Tell him it's from Lois."
ED: She's going to blame it on Lois?
AoT: Why not? It's not as if we can do much more damage to Clark's opinion of her.
ED: Hey!
AoT: "Lois. Right. Any message?"
KK: "Just that she hopes he enjoys it."
AoT: He eyes Chloe lustily, "I'm sure he will. Good luck tonight, not that you'll need it!"
KK: Cut to Lex's office. For exposition hell. Hope waits as Lex talks on the phone. "...I assure you, Governor, as it stands the Slab will be ready only a month behind our original schedule. No more. Yes, of course the guard was fired. Thank you, sir." He hangs up and address Hope. "Hope, I think I have actually had my fill of politicians for the day."
AoT: "Should I bring in the construction foreman?"
KK: "She can wait. What's the status of Vault Black?"
AoT: "Repairs there are proceeding ahead of schedule. Whatever happened in there mainly caused structural damage, so none of the primary facilities were seriously affected apart from access ways and the security cameras--the footage from the ones that survived intact showed that apparently Subject C36--" Noticing Lex looking at her askance she self corrects, "...Chloe Sullivan was brought there against her will by..."
KK: "Milton Fine."
AoT: Hope seems surprised.
KK: "Ms. Sullivan and I have... been in touch."
AoT: "Yes, sir. The thing is it wasn't actually Fine, more like something impersonating him, some sort of machine. All we really know for certain is that it apparently possessed some sort of polymorphic ability, it disabled the guards outside Vault Black itself, and that it nearly killed Ms. Sullivan before she somehow managed to paralyze and destroy it."
KK: "It was Fine alright." Lex looks thoughtful, "How much footage survived?"
AoT: "Not much, sir, outside of one of the control-implant chambers. However, Security also identified three mutants who were with Fine, or whatever it was, and had been subdued some time before Fine's destruction."
TW: Wasn't this all covered. I don't know, in the previous episode?
KK: Yes, but the guild members...
JG: Don't watch this crappy show.
KK: Thanks, John.
TW: And "Previously on Smallville"?
KK: The guild frowns on that sort of thing. Lex accesses and watches the security footage on his computer, "What happened to Fine's accomplices?"
AoT: "Transferred to a 33.1 facility though they no longer seem to exhibit any meteor based abilities."
KK: "Cured."
AoT: "Shall I release them?"
KK: "No." He turns off the security footage, "I want updated security reports from all divisions. For the time being any discrepancies are to be investigated, no matter how inconsequential."
AoT: "I'll get on it."
KK: "All right. Thank you, Hope, that's all."
AoT: Hope exits.
KK: Lex looks thoughtful for a moment, then turns on the TV in his office and watches a news broadcast.
AoT: A female reporter stands on the site of the slab incident. Erica?
ED: "--PR for LuthorCorp has already announced that while the riot and ensuing damage to this billion-dollar project has delayed its opening, the decision to open it at all has not been affected. Shortly after that announcement was made, Governor Smith and U.S. Senator Martha Kent issued a joint statement saying that 'the Slab is not intended to become another Abu Ghraib--it is only meant as a means of dealing with those, meta-human and otherwise, for whom normal judicial means are inadequate.' From the Slab outside Metropolis, this is Evelyn Te--"
KK: Lex turns off the TV.
ED: Dammit!
KK: "Inadequate. How right you are..."
AoT: Kent farm. Clark, sweaty, shirtless, and sexy from working on the farm...
TW: Annette?
AoT: What? You've got to give... the fans what they want, right?
[TW shakes his head]
AoT: Anyway sexy shirtless Tom super speeds into the kitchen and gets a drink of water. The door bell rings. It's the deliver boy, "Who needs to fill their pie hole?"
MR: Clark, apparently.
KK: "Excuse me?"
AoT: Handing Clark the pie, "Complements of the pie hole that never shuts."
TW: Again?
KK: Tom, does your pie whole ever shut?
TW: I...
KK: Thank you. "Pie?"
AoT: "Not just pie! A deluxe apple pie!"
KK: "Hurray!"
TW: Hurray?
KK: Shut your pie hole, Tom. "Who -"
AoT: "You are one lucky guy having a sexy girl like that sending you this delicious pastry."
KK: "But –"
AoT: As he walks off, "Lois said she hopes you enjoy it." He winks, "If you know what I mean."
KK: Clark gives him an confused look.
JG: Now there's a surprise.
TW: Shut up!
KK: "Lois? God, I bet she can even ruin a pie someone else baked."
ED: What?
KK: Clark cuts a piece and takes a bite. There is a slight red glow on the pie.
TW: Why do I have a feeling this isn't going to end well?
MR: Because you dared Kristin to make Clark look worse?
ED: I don't care what happens as long as Lois doesn't end up pregnant.
[TW glares at ED]
ED: What?
KK: "That's... not bad." He takes another bite, "Wow." He super-speed eats the piece, then cuts another one.
TW: Superspeeding pie? Come on!
KK: "Damn, that is a tasty pie." Clark eats the entire pie.
TW: He eats the whole pie!?!?
KK: In superspeed. His eyes glow red.
KK: Clark wipes his crust covered mouth with...
AoT: ...his sweaty naked forearm.
KK: "I need to remember to order from those guys again."
TW: Oh. My. God.
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part II
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
AoT: Act one begins with Lois dropping in on Clark.
ED: Yay, Lois!
KK: Clark seems surprised she's there, "Finally taking a break from your one woman alien hunt? What's the grand occasion, Lois?"
AoT: "You know, Smallville, if you make half as much fun of Chloe's conspiracy theories as you do mine I can't really blame her for putting herself in seclusion."
AM: Seclusion?
KK: That's actually Clark's line.
AM: Why is Chloe in seclusion?
KK: I don't like her.
AoT: "I'm worried about her, Clark. I've called almost everyday this week and haven't talked to her once. I'll get a voice message or email back that she's fine... but I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right."
AM: What's not right is Kristin wrote this episode.
AoT: You ought to count your blessings, Allison. The less Chloe shows up in this episode the better.
AM: Are you saying I'm not going to like my scenes?
AoT: I'm not saying anything.
KK: "Maybe she just needs some time alone. You understand that, no?"
AoT: "Yeah, sure. With Ted out on assignment.... it's been great! All this time to myself! And... well is it too much to ask for a girl's night out? I hate being alone, Clark!"
KK: "Not everyone does."
MR: Especially if the alternative is spending time with Lois.
ED: Shut up.
AoT: "Right." Lois turns to leave. "I'll take that as my not so subtle cue to leave."
KK: "Lois, I didn't mean..."
MR: Oh, yes he did.
ED: Shut up!
AoT: "Just promise you'll check in on her for me, really talk to her, not just a voice mail. And I'll be leaving you to your fortress of solitude."
KK: "Seriously, Lois, you can stay if you want."
ED: See, Michael? Clark wants Lois to stay.
MR: And you say that... because Clark never lies to her?
ED: Shut up!
AoT: "It's OK, Clark, between now and the next Kal-El sighting I have enough footage of the incident at the slab to occupy my free time for weeks. The DVR is my new best friend."
KK: Clark gulps. "You're studying video footage from the slab? Why?"
AoT: "One of the Spartan helmets came off. It's my first honest to goodness shot at figuring out what they looks like!" She does her stupid little arm punch thing and tells Clark she'll see him around.
KK: "So you haven't gotten a good look at it's face?"
AoT: "Not yet. They're so fast the picture is way too blurry."
KK: "I'm sorry."
AoT: "And OK, so maybe it's also because I'm not the greatest behind a camera either but I'm hoping there's something salvageable. When you do get in touch with Chloe put a good word in for me. Once she finally decides to come out of hiding I could really use her computing skills to clear up the video picture"
KK: Lois exits and Clark picks up his phone.
AoT: Cut to a tight shot of an answering machine.
KK: It shows an obscene number of "old" messages. There's a ring and then Chloe's voice answers.
AoT: Meanwhile slow pull out to reveal Chloe is nearby soldering a computer board.
AM: If you're not putting her back at the Planet at least she's doing some cool hacker stuff.
KK: Something like that. As we pull farther away multiple Chloes all dressed in matching black jumpsuits are revealed engaged in similar activities.
AM: What?!?!?
ED: These are Lex's amazons?
MR: Spartans! And why didn't you put them in thong bikinis?
KK: Why didn't you?
MR: Well, because then everyone would have known they were Chlones from the beginning. Now that their true identity has been revealed...
AM: Why not reveal everything?
KK: I may be evil. But I'm not that evil.
AM: Thank goodness for small favors.
AoT: Clark leaves a message, "Chloe. It's Clark. I need to talk to you. Lois is..."
KK: Before he finishes the message is interrupted by static. The number of messages increments by one. As we continue to pull back a Chloe dressed in white comes into the frame. She seems annoyed. One of the Chlones in black inserts the motherboard into a giant computer and dozens of screens flickers to life.
JG: So is Chloe setting up a secret little surveillance op?
AM: That actually sounds cool.
JG: Perhaps to keep tabs on Lex? 24/7 video surveillance, phone tap. The works.
KK: Of Lex? Who would do that?
MR: Someone who recognizes his undeniable sexiness.
KK: It's sick.
MR: She could stream it on the internet and make a fortune.
KK: It's not for surveillance. No streaming video. Not phone taps.
MR: Too bad.
ED: So it's like, for video games?
[KK rolls her eyes]
ED: Have you tried the Wii fit yet, Michael?
MR: No, but I've seen the video[Link NSFW]. I thought I'd buy one for Allison.
AM: What's a Wii fit?
MR: Don't worry. I'm more than happy to help you learn how to use it.
AM: Really? You're so sweet.
KK: I'd beware Michael's altruism when it comes to the Wii fit.
MR: Hush.
AoT: Real Chloe smiles, "OK. Let's give you a whirl!" She pauses a moment and gets a sly look on her face, "Query - how do you distract one well intentioned but highly annoying cousin and one love-sick super powered alien?"
KK: The computer answers in a slightly distorted version of Chloe's own voice.
MR: Egotistical much?
AM: Does it have to be Chloe's voice?
KK: Yes. "Input data is insufficient."
AoT: Chloe frowns and looks at the Chlone, "Needs more work."
KK: The Chlone nods, "I will run a diagnostic."
AoT: After a few keystrokes the computer starts the diagnostic.
KK: Looking at the screen Chloe smiles to herself, "Of course."
AoT: Cut to the computer screen which reads "Calculating " the symbol pie " to x digits" with the factor x increasing exponentially.
KK: "As easy as..."
AoT: Cut to the shot of a pie in a clear topped box. The pie moves away from the camera as a delivery boy carries it through the doors of the Talon.
AM: What the hell? Pie? Why would Chloe order pie?
MR: Yeah, shouldn't that be Clark?
[TW looks at MR annoyed]
KK: Just wait.
ED: Where do you even get pie delivered from?
AoT: Apparently the Pie Hole?
TW: Please tell me you're not having Chloe bribe Clark with pie.
KK: I wouldn't use the word "bribe".
ED: And that's going to distract Lois? Clark I can understand but...
TW: Hey!
JG: Maybe she's plans to distract Lois with the leftover change?
ED: Shut up!
JG: And I hope she ordered a lot because just one pie isn't going to distract Clark for long.
TW: Hey!
AoT: Cut to an interior shot as the delivery boy enters, "Who needs to fill their pie hole?"
TW: Pie hole? I thought Annette was joking.
KK: She wasn't.
TW: You're going to send this to the guild?
KK: I think they'll like it.
TW: Whatever.
AoT: He spots Chloe with her hand raised and walks over, "One deluxe apple, from the pie hole that never shuts."
TW: You're sending the pie hole that never shuts to the guild?
KK: Chloe gives him an annoyed look. Kind of like the one I'm giving you right now, Tom.
MR: [Glancing at KK] If I were the delivery boy I'd run.
AoT: "It means we're open 24/7."
TW: Is that supposed to be funny?
KK: Chloe continues to look annoyed.
MR: Like you do now?
KK: Yes.
MR: Tom, if I were you I'd stop it with the criticism.
KK: Chloe hands him a wad of money. "You'll deliver it to someone for me, right?"
AoT: Checking out the money, "No problem."
KK: "But first..."
AoT: "You'd like to taste my ware?"
TW: Oh. my. God. I can't believe they still let you write episodes, Kristin!
continued...
AoT: Act one begins with Lois dropping in on Clark.
ED: Yay, Lois!
KK: Clark seems surprised she's there, "Finally taking a break from your one woman alien hunt? What's the grand occasion, Lois?"
AoT: "You know, Smallville, if you make half as much fun of Chloe's conspiracy theories as you do mine I can't really blame her for putting herself in seclusion."
AM: Seclusion?
KK: That's actually Clark's line.
AM: Why is Chloe in seclusion?
KK: I don't like her.
AoT: "I'm worried about her, Clark. I've called almost everyday this week and haven't talked to her once. I'll get a voice message or email back that she's fine... but I don't know. Something just doesn't feel right."
AM: What's not right is Kristin wrote this episode.
AoT: You ought to count your blessings, Allison. The less Chloe shows up in this episode the better.
AM: Are you saying I'm not going to like my scenes?
AoT: I'm not saying anything.
KK: "Maybe she just needs some time alone. You understand that, no?"
AoT: "Yeah, sure. With Ted out on assignment.... it's been great! All this time to myself! And... well is it too much to ask for a girl's night out? I hate being alone, Clark!"
KK: "Not everyone does."
MR: Especially if the alternative is spending time with Lois.
ED: Shut up.
AoT: "Right." Lois turns to leave. "I'll take that as my not so subtle cue to leave."
KK: "Lois, I didn't mean..."
MR: Oh, yes he did.
ED: Shut up!
AoT: "Just promise you'll check in on her for me, really talk to her, not just a voice mail. And I'll be leaving you to your fortress of solitude."
KK: "Seriously, Lois, you can stay if you want."
ED: See, Michael? Clark wants Lois to stay.
MR: And you say that... because Clark never lies to her?
ED: Shut up!
AoT: "It's OK, Clark, between now and the next Kal-El sighting I have enough footage of the incident at the slab to occupy my free time for weeks. The DVR is my new best friend."
KK: Clark gulps. "You're studying video footage from the slab? Why?"
AoT: "One of the Spartan helmets came off. It's my first honest to goodness shot at figuring out what they looks like!" She does her stupid little arm punch thing and tells Clark she'll see him around.
KK: "So you haven't gotten a good look at it's face?"
AoT: "Not yet. They're so fast the picture is way too blurry."
KK: "I'm sorry."
AoT: "And OK, so maybe it's also because I'm not the greatest behind a camera either but I'm hoping there's something salvageable. When you do get in touch with Chloe put a good word in for me. Once she finally decides to come out of hiding I could really use her computing skills to clear up the video picture"
KK: Lois exits and Clark picks up his phone.
AoT: Cut to a tight shot of an answering machine.
KK: It shows an obscene number of "old" messages. There's a ring and then Chloe's voice answers.
AoT: Meanwhile slow pull out to reveal Chloe is nearby soldering a computer board.
AM: If you're not putting her back at the Planet at least she's doing some cool hacker stuff.
KK: Something like that. As we pull farther away multiple Chloes all dressed in matching black jumpsuits are revealed engaged in similar activities.
AM: What?!?!?
ED: These are Lex's amazons?
MR: Spartans! And why didn't you put them in thong bikinis?
KK: Why didn't you?
MR: Well, because then everyone would have known they were Chlones from the beginning. Now that their true identity has been revealed...
AM: Why not reveal everything?
KK: I may be evil. But I'm not that evil.
AM: Thank goodness for small favors.
AoT: Clark leaves a message, "Chloe. It's Clark. I need to talk to you. Lois is..."
KK: Before he finishes the message is interrupted by static. The number of messages increments by one. As we continue to pull back a Chloe dressed in white comes into the frame. She seems annoyed. One of the Chlones in black inserts the motherboard into a giant computer and dozens of screens flickers to life.
JG: So is Chloe setting up a secret little surveillance op?
AM: That actually sounds cool.
JG: Perhaps to keep tabs on Lex? 24/7 video surveillance, phone tap. The works.
KK: Of Lex? Who would do that?
MR: Someone who recognizes his undeniable sexiness.
KK: It's sick.
MR: She could stream it on the internet and make a fortune.
KK: It's not for surveillance. No streaming video. Not phone taps.
MR: Too bad.
ED: So it's like, for video games?
[KK rolls her eyes]
ED: Have you tried the Wii fit yet, Michael?
MR: No, but I've seen the video[Link NSFW]. I thought I'd buy one for Allison.
AM: What's a Wii fit?
MR: Don't worry. I'm more than happy to help you learn how to use it.
AM: Really? You're so sweet.
KK: I'd beware Michael's altruism when it comes to the Wii fit.
MR: Hush.
AoT: Real Chloe smiles, "OK. Let's give you a whirl!" She pauses a moment and gets a sly look on her face, "Query - how do you distract one well intentioned but highly annoying cousin and one love-sick super powered alien?"
KK: The computer answers in a slightly distorted version of Chloe's own voice.
MR: Egotistical much?
AM: Does it have to be Chloe's voice?
KK: Yes. "Input data is insufficient."
AoT: Chloe frowns and looks at the Chlone, "Needs more work."
KK: The Chlone nods, "I will run a diagnostic."
AoT: After a few keystrokes the computer starts the diagnostic.
KK: Looking at the screen Chloe smiles to herself, "Of course."
AoT: Cut to the computer screen which reads "Calculating " the symbol pie " to x digits" with the factor x increasing exponentially.
KK: "As easy as..."
AoT: Cut to the shot of a pie in a clear topped box. The pie moves away from the camera as a delivery boy carries it through the doors of the Talon.
AM: What the hell? Pie? Why would Chloe order pie?
MR: Yeah, shouldn't that be Clark?
[TW looks at MR annoyed]
KK: Just wait.
ED: Where do you even get pie delivered from?
AoT: Apparently the Pie Hole?
TW: Please tell me you're not having Chloe bribe Clark with pie.
KK: I wouldn't use the word "bribe".
ED: And that's going to distract Lois? Clark I can understand but...
TW: Hey!
JG: Maybe she's plans to distract Lois with the leftover change?
ED: Shut up!
JG: And I hope she ordered a lot because just one pie isn't going to distract Clark for long.
TW: Hey!
AoT: Cut to an interior shot as the delivery boy enters, "Who needs to fill their pie hole?"
TW: Pie hole? I thought Annette was joking.
KK: She wasn't.
TW: You're going to send this to the guild?
KK: I think they'll like it.
TW: Whatever.
AoT: He spots Chloe with her hand raised and walks over, "One deluxe apple, from the pie hole that never shuts."
TW: You're sending the pie hole that never shuts to the guild?
KK: Chloe gives him an annoyed look. Kind of like the one I'm giving you right now, Tom.
MR: [Glancing at KK] If I were the delivery boy I'd run.
AoT: "It means we're open 24/7."
TW: Is that supposed to be funny?
KK: Chloe continues to look annoyed.
MR: Like you do now?
KK: Yes.
MR: Tom, if I were you I'd stop it with the criticism.
KK: Chloe hands him a wad of money. "You'll deliver it to someone for me, right?"
AoT: Checking out the money, "No problem."
KK: "But first..."
AoT: "You'd like to taste my ware?"
TW: Oh. my. God. I can't believe they still let you write episodes, Kristin!
continued...
Bounty by KK & AoT Part I
Lex finds that capturing Kal-El is more complicated than simply hiring an intergalactic thug.
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
TW: Me? It was those out of control...
AoT: Gee. I wonder why they're out of control.
TW: You're saying it's my fault?!?!
KK: You are in charge of getting rid of them, no?
TW: Yeah. But...
AoT: And yet somehow they've managed to ruin every promo you've had creative differences with.
TW: I swear I'm not...
KK: Talk to us when they're gone, Tom. Maybe we'll believe you then.
TW: We? Allison, you believe me, don't you?
AM: I... I don't know.
TW: Michael?
MR: He... he did punch out Bryan.
KK: Only after your promo was already conveniently ruined.
[MR looks between TW and KK]
TW: Can't you see what she's doing? She's trying to turn us against each other!
KK: Tom is playing both sides against the middle, Michael. He never wanted your promo to succeed.
TW: You can't trust her, Michael.
JG: We know we can't trust her. The question is can we trust you.
TW: Erica, you trust me? Right?
ED: Sure, I guess.
KK: You don't think Tom ruined your promo?
ED: No.
KK: He didn't have a problem with the strippers?
ED: Well, yeah. But he didn't show up until it was already ruined. It's not as if he knew Whedon would show up. Right?
[KK gives MR a significant look.]
MR: Why haven't you gotten rid of those guys, Tom?
TW: I can't believe this!
KK: Now where were we? Oh, yes, Mr. Ferret was being introduced to Lex.
AoT: "Sir, this is Mr. ...Ferret. He would like to speak with you."
KK: "What do you want?"
AoT: John would you mind reading Ferret for us? You get to use a Lower London British accent.
JG: With pleasure. [In a perfect accent]. "Mr. Luthor, good day. I've heard some talk, sir, that you've been having some trouble with a certain...how should I put this...E.T.? Called Kal-El?"
KK: "Where did you hear that name?"
JG: "Now, now, I don't talk about my sources. I'm sure you understand. The point is...I might know of someone who can help you deal with this problem."
KK: "You don't understand, Mr. Ferret. Assuming this Kal-El does exist...I doubt any one person could stop him."
JG: "Yes, well...let's just say that the problem solver I have in mind is another...out-of-towner. I suppose you could call him a problem eliminator."
AoT: Ferret hands Hope a manila folder. Hope skims the contents, then hands it to Lex.
AM: So, what, we've got that Metallo guy living in Metropolis as a junk dealer?
AoT: God, no. [pauses] Though we considered it. Lex reads the folder's contents.
KK: "I see. It seems like he tends to cause a lot of property damage..."
JG: "Yes, there might be just a touch of that when he comes--I can't deny that. But the job will get done, of that I can be certain."
KK: "Apart from that, he appears capable enough. So--how much is this going to cost me?"
JG: "It won't be cheap, no no, but I'm sure it's in your considerable price range. Especially to get rid of such a problem as Kal-El."
KK: "I should probably spend that money on discovering your sources, Mister--"
JG: "Ferret. Just Ferret--middleman extraordinaire. You want it, I can get it...for a small fee, o'course."
KK: "Of course. Well, then, Mr. Ferret: I do want this. If you can get it, I see a long and beneficial relationship in our future."
JG: "I'm looking forward to it, Mr. Luthor."
AoT: Ferret exits. Hope closes the office door behind him. "Sir, do you really think this...problem eliminator...of his can stop Kal-El?"
KK: Tapping the folder, "We'll see. He seems promising. And even if he's not? The damage that apparently will inevitably be caused is exactly the push I need to get the government to pay more attention to my warnings about the threats being presented to us from outside our planet."
AoT: "I see. So it's a win-win?"
KK: "I wouldn't have it any other way."
MR: Alright. Go Lex!
KK: Glad you're happy Michael.
AM: But you know something's going to go wrong.
MR: [his smile fades] Not necessarily.
JG: Keep telling yourself that.
TW: Unless of course you have another deal with Kristen going.
MR: [getting nervous] Actually, no. [he looks over at KK who is smiling innocently] *gulp*
TW: Really? Geez Kristen, you didn't even lock up a fourth veto vote this time. Looks like it's been too long since your little war with Allison. You're slipping.
[everyone looks at Kristen who just keeps smiling]
KK: Don't get too confident Welling.
AoT: We finish up the teaser by...
ED: It's still not done?
KK: It's almost over. Geez, its not that long a teaser.
ED: No wonder you didn't put the scene with the martian in her teaser.
AoT: [looking angrily at ED] We finish up by cutting to a spacey looking biker bar
AM: Spacey? Like in Kevin?
KK [shouts]: WRONG!
[TW groans]
KK: [grinning broadly] So easy. [to AM] No, spacey like in intergalactic. Think the Mos Eisley cantina meets Quark's.
AoT: Which means the obligatory tracking shot around the bar, watching various humanoids and not-quite-humanoids sipping on drinks and hitting on each other.
ED: With cheesy alien-sounding music?
KK: We're going for something by Nine Inch Nails played backwards and slowed down.
MR: Industrial cantina music? Nice.
AoT: At the end of the tracking shot, a big scaly humanoid gets thrown through a window. Reverse shot to show it's the front window of the bar.
KK: The big scaly guy gets up and runs back into the bar--and then goes flying back out about fifteen seconds later, followed by a couple of other scaly guys. And as they stagger off-camera out walks this huge tough guy with long black hair, black leather, looks like Michael Madsen by way of Harley Quinn, huge skull belt buckle...
MR: [looking excited] Please tell me this is who I think it is!
AoT: The biker easily bashes a bunch more guys and then answers a phone.
AM: Aliens with cell phones?
KK: It's an alien cell phone. He takes down the last couple of guys while talking. John, care to read him too?
MR: Can I read him? Please!
KK: [sighs] Sure Michael, you can read him.
MR: [trying to sound like a butch biker] "This is Master Frag, what do you got for me...Alright...Sounds simple enough, I assume you can pay my fee?...Perfect. Consider him dead, cause the Lobo always gets his man. Besides, I've never been to Earth before." Lobo smiles as he hangs up the phone and gets on his motorcycle. Yes!
KK: It's a huge awesome looking bike with a skull on the front of it. He revs it up and we see fire come out the exhaust. He speeds off leaving a path of fire behind him.
AoT: And cut to credits.
MR: This is so awesome!
TW: Who is this guy, Ghost Rider?
MR: [shocked and appalled] This is Lobo! [everyone just looks at him confused] Come on, don't any of you read the Superman comics?
AM: Not really.
JG: No.
ED: Saw the movies! [Glares at AM] Including Donner's "super secret director's cut". [AM turns red and looks down]
TW: I've read some, but apparently none with this guy.
ED: Oh, and I used to watch that Lois and Clark show.
AoT: I didn't even know who this person was.
ED: But reading isn't really my thing.
KK: [under her breath] No surprise there.
ED: What?
MR: The point is he is awesome and you better not have screwed him up Kristen.
KK: Don't worry Michael. I'm sure you will be very happy with him.
continued...
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
TW: Me? It was those out of control...
AoT: Gee. I wonder why they're out of control.
TW: You're saying it's my fault?!?!
KK: You are in charge of getting rid of them, no?
TW: Yeah. But...
AoT: And yet somehow they've managed to ruin every promo you've had creative differences with.
TW: I swear I'm not...
KK: Talk to us when they're gone, Tom. Maybe we'll believe you then.
TW: We? Allison, you believe me, don't you?
AM: I... I don't know.
TW: Michael?
MR: He... he did punch out Bryan.
KK: Only after your promo was already conveniently ruined.
[MR looks between TW and KK]
TW: Can't you see what she's doing? She's trying to turn us against each other!
KK: Tom is playing both sides against the middle, Michael. He never wanted your promo to succeed.
TW: You can't trust her, Michael.
JG: We know we can't trust her. The question is can we trust you.
TW: Erica, you trust me? Right?
ED: Sure, I guess.
KK: You don't think Tom ruined your promo?
ED: No.
KK: He didn't have a problem with the strippers?
ED: Well, yeah. But he didn't show up until it was already ruined. It's not as if he knew Whedon would show up. Right?
[KK gives MR a significant look.]
MR: Why haven't you gotten rid of those guys, Tom?
TW: I can't believe this!
KK: Now where were we? Oh, yes, Mr. Ferret was being introduced to Lex.
AoT: "Sir, this is Mr. ...Ferret. He would like to speak with you."
KK: "What do you want?"
AoT: John would you mind reading Ferret for us? You get to use a Lower London British accent.
JG: With pleasure. [In a perfect accent]. "Mr. Luthor, good day. I've heard some talk, sir, that you've been having some trouble with a certain...how should I put this...E.T.? Called Kal-El?"
KK: "Where did you hear that name?"
JG: "Now, now, I don't talk about my sources. I'm sure you understand. The point is...I might know of someone who can help you deal with this problem."
KK: "You don't understand, Mr. Ferret. Assuming this Kal-El does exist...I doubt any one person could stop him."
JG: "Yes, well...let's just say that the problem solver I have in mind is another...out-of-towner. I suppose you could call him a problem eliminator."
AoT: Ferret hands Hope a manila folder. Hope skims the contents, then hands it to Lex.
AM: So, what, we've got that Metallo guy living in Metropolis as a junk dealer?
AoT: God, no. [pauses] Though we considered it. Lex reads the folder's contents.
KK: "I see. It seems like he tends to cause a lot of property damage..."
JG: "Yes, there might be just a touch of that when he comes--I can't deny that. But the job will get done, of that I can be certain."
KK: "Apart from that, he appears capable enough. So--how much is this going to cost me?"
JG: "It won't be cheap, no no, but I'm sure it's in your considerable price range. Especially to get rid of such a problem as Kal-El."
KK: "I should probably spend that money on discovering your sources, Mister--"
JG: "Ferret. Just Ferret--middleman extraordinaire. You want it, I can get it...for a small fee, o'course."
KK: "Of course. Well, then, Mr. Ferret: I do want this. If you can get it, I see a long and beneficial relationship in our future."
JG: "I'm looking forward to it, Mr. Luthor."
AoT: Ferret exits. Hope closes the office door behind him. "Sir, do you really think this...problem eliminator...of his can stop Kal-El?"
KK: Tapping the folder, "We'll see. He seems promising. And even if he's not? The damage that apparently will inevitably be caused is exactly the push I need to get the government to pay more attention to my warnings about the threats being presented to us from outside our planet."
AoT: "I see. So it's a win-win?"
KK: "I wouldn't have it any other way."
MR: Alright. Go Lex!
KK: Glad you're happy Michael.
AM: But you know something's going to go wrong.
MR: [his smile fades] Not necessarily.
JG: Keep telling yourself that.
TW: Unless of course you have another deal with Kristen going.
MR: [getting nervous] Actually, no. [he looks over at KK who is smiling innocently] *gulp*
TW: Really? Geez Kristen, you didn't even lock up a fourth veto vote this time. Looks like it's been too long since your little war with Allison. You're slipping.
[everyone looks at Kristen who just keeps smiling]
KK: Don't get too confident Welling.
AoT: We finish up the teaser by...
ED: It's still not done?
KK: It's almost over. Geez, its not that long a teaser.
ED: No wonder you didn't put the scene with the martian in her teaser.
AoT: [looking angrily at ED] We finish up by cutting to a spacey looking biker bar
AM: Spacey? Like in Kevin?
KK [shouts]: WRONG!
[TW groans]
KK: [grinning broadly] So easy. [to AM] No, spacey like in intergalactic. Think the Mos Eisley cantina meets Quark's.
AoT: Which means the obligatory tracking shot around the bar, watching various humanoids and not-quite-humanoids sipping on drinks and hitting on each other.
ED: With cheesy alien-sounding music?
KK: We're going for something by Nine Inch Nails played backwards and slowed down.
MR: Industrial cantina music? Nice.
AoT: At the end of the tracking shot, a big scaly humanoid gets thrown through a window. Reverse shot to show it's the front window of the bar.
KK: The big scaly guy gets up and runs back into the bar--and then goes flying back out about fifteen seconds later, followed by a couple of other scaly guys. And as they stagger off-camera out walks this huge tough guy with long black hair, black leather, looks like Michael Madsen by way of Harley Quinn, huge skull belt buckle...
MR: [looking excited] Please tell me this is who I think it is!
AoT: The biker easily bashes a bunch more guys and then answers a phone.
AM: Aliens with cell phones?
KK: It's an alien cell phone. He takes down the last couple of guys while talking. John, care to read him too?
MR: Can I read him? Please!
KK: [sighs] Sure Michael, you can read him.
MR: [trying to sound like a butch biker] "This is Master Frag, what do you got for me...Alright...Sounds simple enough, I assume you can pay my fee?...Perfect. Consider him dead, cause the Lobo always gets his man. Besides, I've never been to Earth before." Lobo smiles as he hangs up the phone and gets on his motorcycle. Yes!
KK: It's a huge awesome looking bike with a skull on the front of it. He revs it up and we see fire come out the exhaust. He speeds off leaving a path of fire behind him.
AoT: And cut to credits.
MR: This is so awesome!
TW: Who is this guy, Ghost Rider?
MR: [shocked and appalled] This is Lobo! [everyone just looks at him confused] Come on, don't any of you read the Superman comics?
AM: Not really.
JG: No.
ED: Saw the movies! [Glares at AM] Including Donner's "super secret director's cut". [AM turns red and looks down]
TW: I've read some, but apparently none with this guy.
ED: Oh, and I used to watch that Lois and Clark show.
AoT: I didn't even know who this person was.
ED: But reading isn't really my thing.
KK: [under her breath] No surprise there.
ED: What?
MR: The point is he is awesome and you better not have screwed him up Kristen.
KK: Don't worry Michael. I'm sure you will be very happy with him.
continued...
Prelude to Bounty
as retold by jwm (with help from RepairmanBob, Bill C, PhantonChic, and Maniac64)
[Everybody sits around the writer's table as KK and AoT enter with their scripts]
MR: So this is your last episode as a head writer right KK?
AM: Thank heaven.
MR: Should we all be worried?
KK: I don't think you have much to worry about Michael. Besides, this is the script I'm sending into the Screen Writers' Guild to see if I can join.
JG: You're serious about that?
KK: Well I have to do something now that I'm finally off of this show.
TW: I'm really focusing more on how she emphasized that Michael didn't need to worry. Who should?
[AoT and KK exchange glances and smiles]
KK: You're not worried, are you, Tom? I mean, wasn't it you who said that you weren't afraid of me?
[KK pulls out a small notebook and opens it]
KK: Ah yes here it is: "So tell me, Kristin, after this season, what could you possibly do to make Clark look worse? I am begging you, tell me, because I can't think of a goddamn thing!" Wasn't that what you said?
TW: You wrote that down?
KK: Well of course. What else is a little black book for if not for writing down who your targets are.
AM: I don't think that's what little black books are usually for.
MR: And it was months ago!
KK: Recent events haven't exactly helped either.
TW: Michael is the one responsible for that idiot Whedon!
MR: Don't go throwing me under the bus, Tom! I am afraid of her!
KK: And that's why Lex is safe. Besides, what has Tom done to get rid of that terrible trio?
AoT: Brad is the worst! My hair still smells!
TW: I'm doing all I can... and I'd do more if I didn't have to deal with you all running around making ridiculously expensive and idiotic promos.
AoT: I loved my promo!
KK: But you haven't changed your mind. Have you?
TW: No. I doubt there is anything you could do to make Clark worse than he was last season.
KK: [smiling evilly] We'll see.
TW: Great. So I assume Clark is your target this time?
KK: Well who else is there? Michael and Erica are too easy.
ED & MR: Hey!
KK: [ignoring them] Annette and John are my allies. [JG nods] And Allison and I already had our war. You're the only challenge left.
JG: This should be interesting.
AoT: Oh, I think it will be.
TW: Whatever. I trust my co-workers. If you do anything too bad it will just get vetoed anyway.
KK: Yeah, cause that always worked so well for Allison.
AM: And after you ruined all of our promos?
TW: That wasn't me that was...
KK: The folks you failed to get rid of?
TW: You don't understand...
ED: I understand my promo was ruined! And I'm still finding body paint in places I...
AM: TMI, Erica, TMI.
TW: I'm just saying if you all weren't undermining everything I've been trying to...
KK: I'm not going to sit here and listen to one of your patronizing sermons, Tom.
TW: It isn't enough you're already making my life a living hell? You have to go after Clark?
AoT: You still haven't gotten rid of those god awful interlopers.
TW: I'm doing the best...
AoT: Obviously that's not good enough. Kristin and I believe you need a little... incentive. Think of it as us helping you raise the bar.
TW: What?
KK: That and it's fun to see you angry.
AM: You are one sick puppy.
KK: Thank you. Let's get started shall we? Lex is sitting at his desk going over some files.
AoT: Hope walks in escorting a short man in a cheap suit and a bowler hat.
KK: "Mr. Luthor, I have a Mr. Ferret here that would like to speak with you.
AM: Mr. Ferret?
KK: It's a reference. Not that I'd expect any of you guys to have seen Firefly.
TW: You and your references.
AoT: We're going to tell them about the changes to Revolt first though, right?
TW: You're making changes to my episode too!?!?!
KK: Nothing major. It's been cleared up through Dawn.
MR: Worried yet?
TW: No! I'm pissed!
AoT: We're altering the last Lionel scene.
JG: The MB is back!
KK: Desert. Cue card, "Phantom Zone."
ED: You put Lionel in the Phantom Zone?
KK: No. The Martian Manhunter runs and ducks behind the ruins of a clay hut. He looks around desperately.
ED: The Martian Manhunter is in the phantom zone? How'd he get there?
KK: Banished by Zod. Please pay attention.
AoT: Cut to a man and a woman following him. I'll read the woman. Michael, will you read for the man?
MR: Sure. "Where is your precious Jor-El now, martian?"
AoT: "Did he finally tire of his pet?"
MR: "How does it feel to finally be on the other side of the hunt?"
KK: John spots the gateway from season six and makes a run for it.
MR: "That's it. Keep running, manhunter. There's no where for you to go."
KK: Once at the gateway John places his palm on the S symbol and it lights up. "An urgent message... for the emissary of Jor-El."
AoT: Cut back to the zoners. "He's signaling someone."
ED: We don't get to hear the message?
KK: No.
ED: Why not?
AoT: For one it's not important.
KK: And two I need to keep it ambiguous to gain John's support.
TW: Why does John care about Martian Manhunter?
JG: I don't.
KK: Not yet. Be patient.
MR: "Doesn't matter. There's no one to signal."
AoT: The two zoners catch up and circle John menacingly, "Your master is dead, martian. He cannot help you from the grave."
KK: "Jor-El's legacy lives on!"
MR: "Only as long as Darkseid wills it." The man lunges for John.
KK: "The fate of Earth lies in your hands, Lionel Luthor."
JG: Oh, maybe I do like this scene.
TW: You're putting the Earth in Lionel's hands?!?!?
JG: Sweet!
AM: The Earth is so screwed.
JG: It sure as hell is.
MR: Worried yet?
TW: Shut up!!
AoT: The zoners tackle John and as his hand comes away from the portal there's a dissonant buzzing as the picture washes out. We switch immediately to a close up of Lionel startling as if he's just awoken from a bad dream. He's sitting in his office.
KK: Otis is staring at him. He looks down at some Kryptonian scrawl on Lionel's notepad. "You OK, boss?"
AoT: Lionel looks down and ponders the symbols for a moment. "I'm fine. I have a task for you."
KK: Thus ends the changes.
ED: That wasn't so bad was it?
TW: No. But why not put it in your teaser? Why do you have to go and change our episode!
ED: Because she could?
AM: Because she knew it could piss you off?
TW: I mean besides those.
KK: I need a better reason?
MR: I liked it.
TW: Shut up, Michael. This is about principle! She should leave our creative work alone!
AoT: Now you know how we felt about you butting in on every single one of our promos.
continued...
[Everybody sits around the writer's table as KK and AoT enter with their scripts]
MR: So this is your last episode as a head writer right KK?
AM: Thank heaven.
MR: Should we all be worried?
KK: I don't think you have much to worry about Michael. Besides, this is the script I'm sending into the Screen Writers' Guild to see if I can join.
JG: You're serious about that?
KK: Well I have to do something now that I'm finally off of this show.
TW: I'm really focusing more on how she emphasized that Michael didn't need to worry. Who should?
[AoT and KK exchange glances and smiles]
KK: You're not worried, are you, Tom? I mean, wasn't it you who said that you weren't afraid of me?
[KK pulls out a small notebook and opens it]
KK: Ah yes here it is: "So tell me, Kristin, after this season, what could you possibly do to make Clark look worse? I am begging you, tell me, because I can't think of a goddamn thing!" Wasn't that what you said?
TW: You wrote that down?
KK: Well of course. What else is a little black book for if not for writing down who your targets are.
AM: I don't think that's what little black books are usually for.
MR: And it was months ago!
KK: Recent events haven't exactly helped either.
TW: Michael is the one responsible for that idiot Whedon!
MR: Don't go throwing me under the bus, Tom! I am afraid of her!
KK: And that's why Lex is safe. Besides, what has Tom done to get rid of that terrible trio?
AoT: Brad is the worst! My hair still smells!
TW: I'm doing all I can... and I'd do more if I didn't have to deal with you all running around making ridiculously expensive and idiotic promos.
AoT: I loved my promo!
KK: But you haven't changed your mind. Have you?
TW: No. I doubt there is anything you could do to make Clark worse than he was last season.
KK: [smiling evilly] We'll see.
TW: Great. So I assume Clark is your target this time?
KK: Well who else is there? Michael and Erica are too easy.
ED & MR: Hey!
KK: [ignoring them] Annette and John are my allies. [JG nods] And Allison and I already had our war. You're the only challenge left.
JG: This should be interesting.
AoT: Oh, I think it will be.
TW: Whatever. I trust my co-workers. If you do anything too bad it will just get vetoed anyway.
KK: Yeah, cause that always worked so well for Allison.
AM: And after you ruined all of our promos?
TW: That wasn't me that was...
KK: The folks you failed to get rid of?
TW: You don't understand...
ED: I understand my promo was ruined! And I'm still finding body paint in places I...
AM: TMI, Erica, TMI.
TW: I'm just saying if you all weren't undermining everything I've been trying to...
KK: I'm not going to sit here and listen to one of your patronizing sermons, Tom.
TW: It isn't enough you're already making my life a living hell? You have to go after Clark?
AoT: You still haven't gotten rid of those god awful interlopers.
TW: I'm doing the best...
AoT: Obviously that's not good enough. Kristin and I believe you need a little... incentive. Think of it as us helping you raise the bar.
TW: What?
KK: That and it's fun to see you angry.
AM: You are one sick puppy.
KK: Thank you. Let's get started shall we? Lex is sitting at his desk going over some files.
AoT: Hope walks in escorting a short man in a cheap suit and a bowler hat.
KK: "Mr. Luthor, I have a Mr. Ferret here that would like to speak with you.
AM: Mr. Ferret?
KK: It's a reference. Not that I'd expect any of you guys to have seen Firefly.
TW: You and your references.
AoT: We're going to tell them about the changes to Revolt first though, right?
TW: You're making changes to my episode too!?!?!
KK: Nothing major. It's been cleared up through Dawn.
MR: Worried yet?
TW: No! I'm pissed!
AoT: We're altering the last Lionel scene.
JG: The MB is back!
KK: Desert. Cue card, "Phantom Zone."
ED: You put Lionel in the Phantom Zone?
KK: No. The Martian Manhunter runs and ducks behind the ruins of a clay hut. He looks around desperately.
ED: The Martian Manhunter is in the phantom zone? How'd he get there?
KK: Banished by Zod. Please pay attention.
AoT: Cut to a man and a woman following him. I'll read the woman. Michael, will you read for the man?
MR: Sure. "Where is your precious Jor-El now, martian?"
AoT: "Did he finally tire of his pet?"
MR: "How does it feel to finally be on the other side of the hunt?"
KK: John spots the gateway from season six and makes a run for it.
MR: "That's it. Keep running, manhunter. There's no where for you to go."
KK: Once at the gateway John places his palm on the S symbol and it lights up. "An urgent message... for the emissary of Jor-El."
AoT: Cut back to the zoners. "He's signaling someone."
ED: We don't get to hear the message?
KK: No.
ED: Why not?
AoT: For one it's not important.
KK: And two I need to keep it ambiguous to gain John's support.
TW: Why does John care about Martian Manhunter?
JG: I don't.
KK: Not yet. Be patient.
MR: "Doesn't matter. There's no one to signal."
AoT: The two zoners catch up and circle John menacingly, "Your master is dead, martian. He cannot help you from the grave."
KK: "Jor-El's legacy lives on!"
MR: "Only as long as Darkseid wills it." The man lunges for John.
KK: "The fate of Earth lies in your hands, Lionel Luthor."
JG: Oh, maybe I do like this scene.
TW: You're putting the Earth in Lionel's hands?!?!?
JG: Sweet!
AM: The Earth is so screwed.
JG: It sure as hell is.
MR: Worried yet?
TW: Shut up!!
AoT: The zoners tackle John and as his hand comes away from the portal there's a dissonant buzzing as the picture washes out. We switch immediately to a close up of Lionel startling as if he's just awoken from a bad dream. He's sitting in his office.
KK: Otis is staring at him. He looks down at some Kryptonian scrawl on Lionel's notepad. "You OK, boss?"
AoT: Lionel looks down and ponders the symbols for a moment. "I'm fine. I have a task for you."
KK: Thus ends the changes.
ED: That wasn't so bad was it?
TW: No. But why not put it in your teaser? Why do you have to go and change our episode!
ED: Because she could?
AM: Because she knew it could piss you off?
TW: I mean besides those.
KK: I need a better reason?
MR: I liked it.
TW: Shut up, Michael. This is about principle! She should leave our creative work alone!
AoT: Now you know how we felt about you butting in on every single one of our promos.
continued...
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