[ED in bed asleep. Cue the Bowie/Queen rendition of "Under Pressure." BS and MR sneak into the room.]
BS: [singing softly into ED's ear] You'll have a baby.
MR: [Also into ED's ear] A little baby.
BS: A cute, cute little baby.
[ED's eyes pop wide open. BS & MR start singing at full volume.]
BS: Pregnant! Since it's up to me!
MR: Pregnant - that is you!
ED: [Sitting up] I didn't ask for!
BS: So pregnant! Don't let it get you down.
MR: Just because you eat for two!
[ED tries to get out of bed. BS gently sits her back down]
BS: You should stay off your feet!
BS: You'll have a baby!
MR: You'll have a baby!
BS: Baby boy!
MR: Baby boy! - that's o.k.
[ED stands]
ED: It's the terror of knowing what this plot is about!
[MR picks up some papers from ED's desk and lets them fall into the trash]
MR: Watching the good scripts all get thrown out!
[BS pointing to a Superman Returns poster]
BS: Pray tomorrow - gets me a sequel!
[MR leads ED to the couch and sits her down]
MR: Pregnant people - should be off their feet!
BS: Been knocked up mm hm
MR: She's with a baby.
BS: O.k.
[ED stands back up as BS pulls a baby doll from behind his back.]
ED: Chippin' around - kick my brains around the floor. These are the days it never rains but it pours!
BS: [Presents the dollto ED] Here's your baby.
MR: [Imitating baby talk] Ee da ba ba ba
BS: [Also imitating baby talk] Um bo bo
MR: Be lap
[BS shoves the baby into ED's arms]
BS: Stay off your feet - with your baby!
[MR sitting ED back on the couch]
MR: Stay off your feet - with your baby! Baby! Baby!
[ED gets back up and tosses the doll down]
ED: It's the terror of knowing what this plot is about!
[Putting ED's script through the shredder]
MR: Watch the good scripts all get tossed out!
BS: [Picking the baby doll back up] Pray tomorrow - gets me a sequel!
MR: [Sitting ED back down] Pregnant people - should be off their feet!
[BS tries to give ED the doll back but she turns away]
ED: Turned away from it all like a blind man!
[Gets up and snatches what's left of her script from MR]
ED: Teamed with Kruek but it don't work.
[Looking over what's left of her script]
ED: I miss our old scripts full of slashy porn.
[MR takes the scripts back]
ED: Why - why - why ?
[BS tries to hand ED the doll but she won't take it]
ED: Insanity laughs! If I'm pregnant I'm cracking!
[Offering her the doll]
BS: Can't you give it one more chance?
MR: Why can't you give it that one more chance?
BS: Why don't you give up? Give up! Give up! Give up!
MR: Give up! give up! give up! give up! give up!
[Turning away from BS and the doll]
ED: I'm just an old fashioned girl!
[BS gets back in front of ED]
BS: Babies dare you to care for the people...
MR: ...on the edge of the night.
BS: Babies dare you to change our way of caring...
MR: ...about ourselves.
[BS holds the doll out for her to take]
MR: This is your last chance
BS: This is your last chance
[ED reluctantly takes the doll and holds it against her chest. MR and BS smile at each other and high five.]
MR: So pregnant!
BS: So pregnant!
[Zoom back out. The doll is gone. ED stands between MR and BS with her huge pregnant belly sticking out]
ED: [Looking at her belly in shock] Pregnant!?!?
[MR's trailer. "China Girl" plays on the stereo]
MR: [singing along with Bowie] My little china girl you shouldn't mess with me. I'll ruin everything you are!
[There's a knock on the door]
MR: [shouting] Forget it, Tom. I'm not opening the door this time.
ED: It's Erica!
MR: Oh!
[MR Gets up and heads to the door]
MR: [Still singing] I'll give you television. I'll give you eyes of blue. I'll give you men who want to rule the world.
[Opens the door]
MR: Erica, what's...?
[ED bitch slaps MR and stomps off]
MR: Ow!
Bowie: [from the stereo] And when I get excited my little china girl says "Oh baby just you shut your mouth"
MR: [Shouting] Oh, I get it! I don't care what everybody else thinks, Bowie rocks!
TW: [Out his window a couple trailers down] Bowie sucks!
MR: That's real mature, Tom! Sure, everybody just has to take a shot at Rosey! Anybody else want a shot at me?
JG: [Shouting from the neighboring trailer] What was that, Rosenbaum?!?!
MR: Uh, nothing!
JG: Then quiet it down before somebody comes over there and really hurts you!
MR: Yes, of course. [Goes back into his trailer]
Next
Let's Dance! (Put on your red cape and tights of blue)
[TW's green room. He sits on a bench with blue tights pulled halfway up. The tune to David Bowie's "Space Oddity" begins. BS enters smiling ear to ear with the cape in hand.]
BS: [singing] Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[TW turns, sees the cape and frowns]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[BS moves behind TW with the cape. TW reluctantly stands and pulls up the tights as BS puts the cape around his neck]
BS: Pull up your bright blue tights and put the red cape on!
[Soft cut to green screen sound strange. TW in the suit. BS stands next to him holding a wired harness. MR stands on the other side of TW wearing at Bowie style teased out wig from Labyrinth]
MR: [singing] Ten, nine
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
MR: eight, seven, six, five
[BS hands the harness to TW who looks pained]
BS: Though it's tight you must put the harness on
[TW steps into the harness]
MR: four, three, two one
BS: Check the wires and may gods love be with you
[The wires lift TW up off the ground]
MR: liftoff
[With the help of wires TW flies around the sound stage.]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[TW looks nervous as he flies over the rest of the cast. They stare up at him in awe.]
BS: You've really made the grade!/The bloggers want pictures of you in the suit you wear!/Now's time to be a hero if you dare!
TW: [singing] This is Tom to Bryan Singer
[TW comes lose of the wires but he continues to fly, going out the sound stage door]
TW: I'm flying through the door/And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
[TW waves at the cast and they wave back. The cast all morph into images of David Bowie]
TW: My co-stars look very different today
[TW floats up higher and higher in the air]
TW: For here I am wearing the super suit
[TW soars high above Vancouver]
TW: Far above the world/Planet earth is blue/And there's nothing I can do
[TW looks around at the earth rapidly falling beneath him]
TW: I'm speeding faster than a bullet but / I'm feeling very still
[TW turns away for the earth out toward space. The red cape billows out behind him]
TW: And I think the suit knows which way to go / Tell the cast I love them very much they know
[Back at the sound stage BS is frantic]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[BS inspects the severed wires from the catwalk with concern.]
BS: The wires have snapped! Theres something wrong!
BS: [Into his walkie talkie] Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[BS and the cast gather outside and stare up into space]
BS: Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[MR points up. Cut to a shooting star in the sky]
BS: Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[Soft cut to TW up in space with the moon in the background]
TW: Here am I flying in the super suit
[TW banks and flies around the moon]
TW: Far above the moon
[The earth comes out from the behind the moon. It's a small blue dot.]
TW: Planet earth is blue / And theres nothing I can do.
[The music suddenly stops. Cut to TW's trailer at night. TW bolts upright out of bed, eyes wide and out of breath, completely covered in sweat. His sheet is tied around his neck like a cape. He takes a moment to catch his breath and pulls the sheet off his neck in disgust.]
[Cut to inside MR's trailer. The has his head phones on and a copy of Bowie's Let's Dance album in on his CD player. There's loud knocking at the door.]
MR: [singing] Put on your red shoes and dance the blues!
[The knocking gets louder. MR takes his head phones off]
MR: Coming!
[MR heads for the door]
MR: Let's sway under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
[MR opens the door. TW is on the other side.]
MR: Tom? [pauses] Are you alright?
[TW stands in the doorway ominous and silent.]
MR: You didn't have another nightmare, did you?
[TW punches MR in the mouth.]
Next
BS: [singing] Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[TW turns, sees the cape and frowns]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[BS moves behind TW with the cape. TW reluctantly stands and pulls up the tights as BS puts the cape around his neck]
BS: Pull up your bright blue tights and put the red cape on!
[Soft cut to green screen sound strange. TW in the suit. BS stands next to him holding a wired harness. MR stands on the other side of TW wearing at Bowie style teased out wig from Labyrinth]
MR: [singing] Ten, nine
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
MR: eight, seven, six, five
[BS hands the harness to TW who looks pained]
BS: Though it's tight you must put the harness on
[TW steps into the harness]
MR: four, three, two one
BS: Check the wires and may gods love be with you
[The wires lift TW up off the ground]
MR: liftoff
[With the help of wires TW flies around the sound stage.]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[TW looks nervous as he flies over the rest of the cast. They stare up at him in awe.]
BS: You've really made the grade!/The bloggers want pictures of you in the suit you wear!/Now's time to be a hero if you dare!
TW: [singing] This is Tom to Bryan Singer
[TW comes lose of the wires but he continues to fly, going out the sound stage door]
TW: I'm flying through the door/And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
[TW waves at the cast and they wave back. The cast all morph into images of David Bowie]
TW: My co-stars look very different today
[TW floats up higher and higher in the air]
TW: For here I am wearing the super suit
[TW soars high above Vancouver]
TW: Far above the world/Planet earth is blue/And there's nothing I can do
[TW looks around at the earth rapidly falling beneath him]
TW: I'm speeding faster than a bullet but / I'm feeling very still
[TW turns away for the earth out toward space. The red cape billows out behind him]
TW: And I think the suit knows which way to go / Tell the cast I love them very much they know
[Back at the sound stage BS is frantic]
BS: Bryan Singer to my friend Tom
[BS inspects the severed wires from the catwalk with concern.]
BS: The wires have snapped! Theres something wrong!
BS: [Into his walkie talkie] Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[BS and the cast gather outside and stare up into space]
BS: Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[MR points up. Cut to a shooting star in the sky]
BS: Can you hear me, my friend Tom?
[Soft cut to TW up in space with the moon in the background]
TW: Here am I flying in the super suit
[TW banks and flies around the moon]
TW: Far above the moon
[The earth comes out from the behind the moon. It's a small blue dot.]
TW: Planet earth is blue / And theres nothing I can do.
[The music suddenly stops. Cut to TW's trailer at night. TW bolts upright out of bed, eyes wide and out of breath, completely covered in sweat. His sheet is tied around his neck like a cape. He takes a moment to catch his breath and pulls the sheet off his neck in disgust.]
[Cut to inside MR's trailer. The has his head phones on and a copy of Bowie's Let's Dance album in on his CD player. There's loud knocking at the door.]
MR: [singing] Put on your red shoes and dance the blues!
[The knocking gets louder. MR takes his head phones off]
MR: Coming!
[MR heads for the door]
MR: Let's sway under the moonlight, this serious moonlight
[MR opens the door. TW is on the other side.]
MR: Tom? [pauses] Are you alright?
[TW stands in the doorway ominous and silent.]
MR: You didn't have another nightmare, did you?
[TW punches MR in the mouth.]
Next
The Iron Fist (Part II)
BS: You've done nothing to advance the Loe theory. Lois isn't pregnant. And I have yet to see Clark in the suit.
TW: Clark isn't going to wear the suit!
BS: So I'm switching the order of episodes around. The next episode was supposed to be written by Mack.
TW: It mentions Chloe specifically. That's why we have to hire Allison back!
BS: No we don't. We're doing Kristen's episodes next.
KK: Yay!
BS: And I'm giving Allison's episode to Erica.
ED: Yay?
BS: Since Kristen's episode is called Masquerade it's going to center around Lois posing as Chloe to get a story.
KK: What!?!?!
BS: By episode end she finds herself in a position where she has to take on Chloe's name permanently.
KK: That's not what I have planned!
BS: To bad. So sad. As an added bonus Clark will be forced to "Masquerade" in the suit as he tries to save her.
TW: He will not!
ED: He's not going to save Lois?
JG: Maybe that would be for the best.
KK: You're ruining my episode, dammit!
BS: You have left me with no choice. Erica's episode is called Control. As of now that's going to be short for "birth control".
TW & ED: What!?
BS: Or actually the lack thereof. Clark is going to knock up the Chloe Sullivan formally known as Lois just in time for a finale week delivery.
TW & ED: What!?!?!?
MR: At least we'll get good use out of the hospital set.
BS: [Handing papers to KK and ED] Here are the outlines. You follow these and everything will be fine.
KK: [Staring daggers at BS] And if we don't!?!?
BS: The consequences will be... disastrous.
[Cast glare at MR as BS walks off]
MR: [Weak smile] Heh. None of this was my idea! Honest!
TW: Bowie wasn't your idea?
MR: Heh. Well..
[TW stands. The rest of the cast stand as well, all glaring at MR. He looks to BS for help and notices BS has already left the room.]
MR: Honest!
[BS opens the door]
BS: Micheal! Get your butt out here!
MR: Yes! Yes sir! [to cast] See? I'm just as much a victim here as everyone else! [Heads towards door]
BS: I'm so glad you talked me into a more active role in everyday decisions. Is that a penny!?!?! Go pick it up for me!
[Out of the corner of his eye MR sees TW bounding at him over the table. MR rushes out. TW follows.]
BS: I see you can't wait to try on the suit! I'll have it delivered to your trailer! [Under his breath] As soon as I can find it. [Glares at JG and leaves]
ED: [Head in hands] This is worse than I possibly could have imagined.
JG: You're telling me!
AoT: At least he didn't say anything about Martha. I'd almost be relieved if I didn't get any screen time.
ED: OK, Kristen, go ahead and laugh. I know you want to.
KK: I'm not laughing.
ED: Why not? I've got to be pregnant, Tom has to wear the suit, and Bryan is lining up David Bowie to play Darkseid!
KK: [Determined] Bryan is messing with my episode. Nobody messes with my episode! Nobody!
ED: So you're finally going to help us?
KK: I suppose. Bryan has to go.
ED: So you're going to make Lois look good?
KK: No. I'm going to stick with my original plan for my episode.
ED: Which means she'll look good?
KK: She won't be pregnant if that's what you mean.
ED: Sweet! And you won't make her do anything stupid either, right?
KK: How many of my episodes have you read now?
ED: I don't know? Four or five?
KK: And how many times has Lois not done something stupid?
ED: There's always hope.
KK: I may be with you when it comes to taking out Bryan. But if you think that means I'm not going to have fun with the episodes I write? [sly smile] You are an idiot.
Next
TW: Clark isn't going to wear the suit!
BS: So I'm switching the order of episodes around. The next episode was supposed to be written by Mack.
TW: It mentions Chloe specifically. That's why we have to hire Allison back!
BS: No we don't. We're doing Kristen's episodes next.
KK: Yay!
BS: And I'm giving Allison's episode to Erica.
ED: Yay?
BS: Since Kristen's episode is called Masquerade it's going to center around Lois posing as Chloe to get a story.
KK: What!?!?!
BS: By episode end she finds herself in a position where she has to take on Chloe's name permanently.
KK: That's not what I have planned!
BS: To bad. So sad. As an added bonus Clark will be forced to "Masquerade" in the suit as he tries to save her.
TW: He will not!
ED: He's not going to save Lois?
JG: Maybe that would be for the best.
KK: You're ruining my episode, dammit!
BS: You have left me with no choice. Erica's episode is called Control. As of now that's going to be short for "birth control".
TW & ED: What!?
BS: Or actually the lack thereof. Clark is going to knock up the Chloe Sullivan formally known as Lois just in time for a finale week delivery.
TW & ED: What!?!?!?
MR: At least we'll get good use out of the hospital set.
BS: [Handing papers to KK and ED] Here are the outlines. You follow these and everything will be fine.
KK: [Staring daggers at BS] And if we don't!?!?
BS: The consequences will be... disastrous.
[Cast glare at MR as BS walks off]
MR: [Weak smile] Heh. None of this was my idea! Honest!
TW: Bowie wasn't your idea?
MR: Heh. Well..
[TW stands. The rest of the cast stand as well, all glaring at MR. He looks to BS for help and notices BS has already left the room.]
MR: Honest!
[BS opens the door]
BS: Micheal! Get your butt out here!
MR: Yes! Yes sir! [to cast] See? I'm just as much a victim here as everyone else! [Heads towards door]
BS: I'm so glad you talked me into a more active role in everyday decisions. Is that a penny!?!?! Go pick it up for me!
[Out of the corner of his eye MR sees TW bounding at him over the table. MR rushes out. TW follows.]
BS: I see you can't wait to try on the suit! I'll have it delivered to your trailer! [Under his breath] As soon as I can find it. [Glares at JG and leaves]
ED: [Head in hands] This is worse than I possibly could have imagined.
JG: You're telling me!
AoT: At least he didn't say anything about Martha. I'd almost be relieved if I didn't get any screen time.
ED: OK, Kristen, go ahead and laugh. I know you want to.
KK: I'm not laughing.
ED: Why not? I've got to be pregnant, Tom has to wear the suit, and Bryan is lining up David Bowie to play Darkseid!
KK: [Determined] Bryan is messing with my episode. Nobody messes with my episode! Nobody!
ED: So you're finally going to help us?
KK: I suppose. Bryan has to go.
ED: So you're going to make Lois look good?
KK: No. I'm going to stick with my original plan for my episode.
ED: Which means she'll look good?
KK: She won't be pregnant if that's what you mean.
ED: Sweet! And you won't make her do anything stupid either, right?
KK: How many of my episodes have you read now?
ED: I don't know? Four or five?
KK: And how many times has Lois not done something stupid?
ED: There's always hope.
KK: I may be with you when it comes to taking out Bryan. But if you think that means I'm not going to have fun with the episodes I write? [sly smile] You are an idiot.
Next
The Iron Fist (Part I)
[TW, KK, and ED in the writer's room]
KK: [smirking] Are you an idiot?
ED: I trust Micheal.
KK: You trusted me. And Allison. And John. And Annette.
ED: So?
TW: I trust Micheal.
KK: Then you both are idiots.
TW & ED: Hey!
KK: I'm just saying when you put your trust in Micheal and things tend not to end well.
TW: We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
KK: Whatever. So what's this big breakthrough he's managed?
ED: He told me he's arranged for Lois not to be pregnant!
KK: Surely that's not what has Tom so excited.
TW: I'm not sure but [whispers] I think he's convinced Bryan to re-hire Allison.
KK: What makes you think his big breakthrough isn't just another episode about centered around naked exploding women robots?
TW: One, Chloe was mentioned explicitly in the original description for Control. That's our next episode. Two, the casting woman has been meeting with Bryan almost non stop all week. And three, Michael has been grinning ear to ear every time they finish talking with her.
ED: Really?!? [Huge grin] He's definitely bringing her back!
KK: [Rolls eyes] Complete idiots.
[JG and AoT enter]
JG: OK Tom, we're here. What's so important?
ED: We're meeting with Bryan.
JG: You're freaking kidding me!
TW: No, we are.
JG: [Moving to leave] Of all the underhanded...
TW: Don't leave, John! We need to present a united front!
JG: [Showing TW a fist] I'll unite my fist with your face the next time you try to get me in the same room with that...
[MR & BS enter chatting jovially blocking JG & AoT's exit. JG backs away from BS and sits.]
BS: I've got to hand it to you Micheal, this is really big!
MR: That's what she said!
BS: [Slaps MR on the back] Ha! [The rest of the cast seems concerned] Hahahahaha!
MR: John! I didn't think you would make it!
JG: [Evil glance at TW] It wasn't by choice.
BS: Glad you're all here! I'm have an important announcement!
AoT: Martha is getting another lover?
TW & BS: No!
JG: Lionel is going to kick Lex's ass?
MR & BS: No!
ED: Lois doesn't have to be pregnant!
BS: Correct!
ED: [Pumps fists] Yesssss! [To KK] Suck it, sister!
BS: Chloe is going to be pregnant!
JG & AoT & KK: What?
ED: Who cares?!?! Lois isn't going to be pregnant!
TW: Chloe is... which means... Allison is back! Micheal, you're the greatest! I was afraid to even get my hopes up, but you've really come through for the team!
ED: [Stands and does a happy dance] Happy dance! Happy dance!
MR: [Uncomfortable] That's not...
ED: [Hugs MR] Micheal, if I ever said anything bad about you I take it all back!
MR: ...exactly...
TW: It's going to be so great to have Allison back!
ED: [Jumping up and down clapping] And I don't have to be pregnant!!!! [Dances] Happy dance! Happy dance!
BS: We're not hiring Allison back.
TW: I know your negotiations with her must be tough but maybe if I talk to her...
BS: The negotiations have been tough but the good news is we are on the verge of a major breakthrough...
MR: I knew it! [Dances] Yessss!
BS: ...but we never were negotiating with Allison.
ED: But if Allison isn't coming back...
TW: Who are you negotiating with?
BS: Micheal hasn't told you?
MR: [To BS] I was hoping to...
ED: ...who are you hiring to play Chloe?
BS: No one. You're going to play Chloe, remember?
MR: ...keep this...
ED: Oh my God. I still have to be pregnant!?!?!?
KK: [Pointing at ED] Hahahahahahaha!
AoT: If you're not negotiating for Chloe's role then who...?
MR: ...just between...
BS: Darkseid!
TW: Darkseid?!!?!?
MR: ...us, Bryan! Just between us!
BS: Don't be so modest, Rosenbaum. Bowie! David Bowie!
TW: What!?!?!?
BS: It's brilliant!
KK: Oh my God! Hahahahahahaha!!!!
BS: [Rubbing MR's scalp vigorously] Can you believe the ideas that come out of this head!?!?!
JG: No.
BS: [Continuing to rub MR's head] Feels like you missed a shave, buddy.
TW: What!?!?!?
KK: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Bowie's gonna kick Tom's butt! [falls our her chair] Hahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: [Stands. To MR] I'm going to kill you!
MR: [Gulps and hides behind BS] I, uh, I think I better be going.
BS: Micheal, stay. We still haven't' gotten to my big announcement.
AoT & JG: Oh no.
BS: Say it Micheal...
MR: Say what?
BS: That's what she said?
MR: Bryan, really, I'm not in the mood.
BS: That's what she said! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
KK: [Climbing back into her chair rubbing tears from her eyes] Actually I can't wait!
MR: That's what she said! [Spots cast glaring and coughs]
BS: Tom is going to wear the suit!
KK: [Sighs and looks at her nails] Boring. You've been saying that since you got here.
BS: I had no way to enforce it before. But now... there's no way he can stop me.
TW: The hell I am! Check my contract! No flights, no tights!
BS: Exactly! And what did Clark do last episode?
AoT: [Realization] Oh, my God! Clark flew!
KK: This is just too good!
BS: Sorry, Tom. You do the flights, you don the tights. That part of your contract is null and void.
KK: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: But...
KK: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: But....
KK: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: Dammit, Erica! I told you Clark shouldn't fly!
ED: He had to! Lois isn't going to have a journalistic orgasm over some lame guy who can't fly!
TW: He destroyed the freaking portal! Wasn't that enough!?!?!
ED: Any idiot can stick a crystal into a portal.
TW: He can shoot fire from his eyes!
ED: I don't give a damn about...
BS: You guys can bore your cast mates with this argument later. Bottom line - Tom wears the tights!
TW: Bullshit!
BS: And another thing. You guys have been ignoring my directives far too long. It's bullshit and it's going to stop. From now on I'm going to be a lot more hands on.
AoT & JG & KK: Oh no.
continued...
KK: [smirking] Are you an idiot?
ED: I trust Micheal.
KK: You trusted me. And Allison. And John. And Annette.
ED: So?
TW: I trust Micheal.
KK: Then you both are idiots.
TW & ED: Hey!
KK: I'm just saying when you put your trust in Micheal and things tend not to end well.
TW: We'll just have to wait and see, won't we?
KK: Whatever. So what's this big breakthrough he's managed?
ED: He told me he's arranged for Lois not to be pregnant!
KK: Surely that's not what has Tom so excited.
TW: I'm not sure but [whispers] I think he's convinced Bryan to re-hire Allison.
KK: What makes you think his big breakthrough isn't just another episode about centered around naked exploding women robots?
TW: One, Chloe was mentioned explicitly in the original description for Control. That's our next episode. Two, the casting woman has been meeting with Bryan almost non stop all week. And three, Michael has been grinning ear to ear every time they finish talking with her.
ED: Really?!? [Huge grin] He's definitely bringing her back!
KK: [Rolls eyes] Complete idiots.
[JG and AoT enter]
JG: OK Tom, we're here. What's so important?
ED: We're meeting with Bryan.
JG: You're freaking kidding me!
TW: No, we are.
JG: [Moving to leave] Of all the underhanded...
TW: Don't leave, John! We need to present a united front!
JG: [Showing TW a fist] I'll unite my fist with your face the next time you try to get me in the same room with that...
[MR & BS enter chatting jovially blocking JG & AoT's exit. JG backs away from BS and sits.]
BS: I've got to hand it to you Micheal, this is really big!
MR: That's what she said!
BS: [Slaps MR on the back] Ha! [The rest of the cast seems concerned] Hahahahaha!
MR: John! I didn't think you would make it!
JG: [Evil glance at TW] It wasn't by choice.
BS: Glad you're all here! I'm have an important announcement!
AoT: Martha is getting another lover?
TW & BS: No!
JG: Lionel is going to kick Lex's ass?
MR & BS: No!
ED: Lois doesn't have to be pregnant!
BS: Correct!
ED: [Pumps fists] Yesssss! [To KK] Suck it, sister!
BS: Chloe is going to be pregnant!
JG & AoT & KK: What?
ED: Who cares?!?! Lois isn't going to be pregnant!
TW: Chloe is... which means... Allison is back! Micheal, you're the greatest! I was afraid to even get my hopes up, but you've really come through for the team!
ED: [Stands and does a happy dance] Happy dance! Happy dance!
MR: [Uncomfortable] That's not...
ED: [Hugs MR] Micheal, if I ever said anything bad about you I take it all back!
MR: ...exactly...
TW: It's going to be so great to have Allison back!
ED: [Jumping up and down clapping] And I don't have to be pregnant!!!! [Dances] Happy dance! Happy dance!
BS: We're not hiring Allison back.
TW: I know your negotiations with her must be tough but maybe if I talk to her...
BS: The negotiations have been tough but the good news is we are on the verge of a major breakthrough...
MR: I knew it! [Dances] Yessss!
BS: ...but we never were negotiating with Allison.
ED: But if Allison isn't coming back...
TW: Who are you negotiating with?
BS: Micheal hasn't told you?
MR: [To BS] I was hoping to...
ED: ...who are you hiring to play Chloe?
BS: No one. You're going to play Chloe, remember?
MR: ...keep this...
ED: Oh my God. I still have to be pregnant!?!?!?
KK: [Pointing at ED] Hahahahahahaha!
AoT: If you're not negotiating for Chloe's role then who...?
MR: ...just between...
BS: Darkseid!
TW: Darkseid?!!?!?
MR: ...us, Bryan! Just between us!
BS: Don't be so modest, Rosenbaum. Bowie! David Bowie!
TW: What!?!?!?
BS: It's brilliant!
KK: Oh my God! Hahahahahahaha!!!!
BS: [Rubbing MR's scalp vigorously] Can you believe the ideas that come out of this head!?!?!
JG: No.
BS: [Continuing to rub MR's head] Feels like you missed a shave, buddy.
TW: What!?!?!?
KK: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Bowie's gonna kick Tom's butt! [falls our her chair] Hahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: [Stands. To MR] I'm going to kill you!
MR: [Gulps and hides behind BS] I, uh, I think I better be going.
BS: Micheal, stay. We still haven't' gotten to my big announcement.
AoT & JG: Oh no.
BS: Say it Micheal...
MR: Say what?
BS: That's what she said?
MR: Bryan, really, I'm not in the mood.
BS: That's what she said! Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
KK: [Climbing back into her chair rubbing tears from her eyes] Actually I can't wait!
MR: That's what she said! [Spots cast glaring and coughs]
BS: Tom is going to wear the suit!
KK: [Sighs and looks at her nails] Boring. You've been saying that since you got here.
BS: I had no way to enforce it before. But now... there's no way he can stop me.
TW: The hell I am! Check my contract! No flights, no tights!
BS: Exactly! And what did Clark do last episode?
AoT: [Realization] Oh, my God! Clark flew!
KK: This is just too good!
BS: Sorry, Tom. You do the flights, you don the tights. That part of your contract is null and void.
KK: Hahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: But...
KK: Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: But....
KK: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
TW: Dammit, Erica! I told you Clark shouldn't fly!
ED: He had to! Lois isn't going to have a journalistic orgasm over some lame guy who can't fly!
TW: He destroyed the freaking portal! Wasn't that enough!?!?!
ED: Any idiot can stick a crystal into a portal.
TW: He can shoot fire from his eyes!
ED: I don't give a damn about...
BS: You guys can bore your cast mates with this argument later. Bottom line - Tom wears the tights!
TW: Bullshit!
BS: And another thing. You guys have been ignoring my directives far too long. It's bullshit and it's going to stop. From now on I'm going to be a lot more hands on.
AoT & JG & KK: Oh no.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part XI)
as retold by RepairmanBob
TW: The warehouse.
MR: What, does Lex get beat up by some Girl Scouts?
JG: Yes, does he?
ED: Not exactly. Hope comes up to Lex and says –
MR: “What the fuck are you doing?”
ED: Pretty much.
TW: Lex takes the crystal Clark used to destroy the portal out of his jacket. “Everything is going according to my plans, Hope.”
JG: I doubt that.
TW: “It was inevitable that he would try to gain an advantage from the invasion. Better to feed him a few scraps than risk him blundering about and finding something useful.”
JG: No!
MR: Yes!
TW: “It is time to go check on our other project.” Lex turns around, and walks through a nearby door, followed by Hope. Two Spartans de-cloak and follow them. The camera follows Lex through several checkpoints manned by PAS, finally coming to a huge metal door guarded by a Spartan. There is a large metal plate on the door identifying this as Vault Black. Lex has his hand and eye scanned to confirm his identity. The door opens, Lex and Hope walk through, and it slams shut. Lex walks into a room, full of busy scientists. The back wall is covered in computer, test tubes and science equipment. The front wall is glass, looking down on – something. Think of an examining room looking down at an operating theater, like in –
MR: House?
TW: Shut up, Michael.
ED: Dr. Richards runs up to Lex. “Mr. Luthor, we have stabilized containment, now that the portal has closed and we have access to the regional power grid. Power consumption has increased 14% above our previous baseline, though, am I am concerned –“
TW: “Not right now, Dr. Richards.” Lex walks to the glass. He places one hand on the glass, and looks down. Pan around, to show a serene smile. “Not right now.”
ED: Clark back at the Fortress. A hologram of Darkseid appears, breaking up Clark’s heartfelt conversation with his fake dad.
JG: Finally! “Hello, Kal-El. Your… efforts may have destroyed my portal device, but I still have a few Kryptonian artifacts that remain intact.”
TW: Clark –
KK: Craps his pants?
TW: No he –
AoT: I think Clark would crap his pants.
JG: If someone I tried to kill with a nuclear weapon called to say hello, I would soil myself. And I am much braver than Clark.
TW: Clark does not soil himself! He acts brave!
KK: He acts brave with a load in his pants.
TW: “I defeated you, Darkseid. You are beaten, and Earth is safe.”
AoT: Oh, this will end poorly.
JG: Darkseid smiles.
MR: Ah shit.
JG: “You resemble your sire, Kal-El. So brave. So confident. So sure of your righteousness and power. I am reminded of a proverb from your birth-world. The son becomes the father. And the father, the son.” Darkseid’s smile turns into a grimace.
MR: Did you add that to get Bryan's approval for everything else in the episode?
AoT: Between that and "Kneel before Zod", he might forget you even have anything else in the episode.
KK: I believe Darkseid is about to get himself a bitch.
JG: “Your father underestimated me, Kal-El. He thought I was a simple brute, who could be cowed by the might of the Kryptonian Empire and intimidated by the wisdom of High Council.” Darkseid’s voice drops. He is getting angrier. “Jor-El thought I was a fool. A simple barbarian who rose to power with brute force and good fortune. A craven beast, who would happily cower at the feet of the mighty Kryptonians. As must you, if you think I would allow this… grievous insult to go unpunished. The son becomes the father. And the father, the son”
TW: Cut to Clark –
KK: Who now craps himself?
JG: “In the end, Jor-El learned the truth. He learned of my power, of the foolishness of Zod’s Crusade to oppose me. He learned that to defy Darkseid was to embrace oblivion. As you too shall learn, Kal-El.”
MR: No, this cannot end well at all.
JG: Darkseid’s voice, if it is possible, gets even lower. He speaks through gritted teeth. “The son becomes the father. And the father, the son. That shall be your destiny and your epitaph, Kal-El. The last son of Krypton, shall be die by my hands… as the father died by my hands… as his birth-world died by my hands. As the new world he calls home world shall be die by my hands. So sayeth Darkseid.” Hard cut to black.
Next
TW: The warehouse.
MR: What, does Lex get beat up by some Girl Scouts?
JG: Yes, does he?
ED: Not exactly. Hope comes up to Lex and says –
MR: “What the fuck are you doing?”
ED: Pretty much.
TW: Lex takes the crystal Clark used to destroy the portal out of his jacket. “Everything is going according to my plans, Hope.”
JG: I doubt that.
TW: “It was inevitable that he would try to gain an advantage from the invasion. Better to feed him a few scraps than risk him blundering about and finding something useful.”
JG: No!
MR: Yes!
TW: “It is time to go check on our other project.” Lex turns around, and walks through a nearby door, followed by Hope. Two Spartans de-cloak and follow them. The camera follows Lex through several checkpoints manned by PAS, finally coming to a huge metal door guarded by a Spartan. There is a large metal plate on the door identifying this as Vault Black. Lex has his hand and eye scanned to confirm his identity. The door opens, Lex and Hope walk through, and it slams shut. Lex walks into a room, full of busy scientists. The back wall is covered in computer, test tubes and science equipment. The front wall is glass, looking down on – something. Think of an examining room looking down at an operating theater, like in –
MR: House?
TW: Shut up, Michael.
ED: Dr. Richards runs up to Lex. “Mr. Luthor, we have stabilized containment, now that the portal has closed and we have access to the regional power grid. Power consumption has increased 14% above our previous baseline, though, am I am concerned –“
TW: “Not right now, Dr. Richards.” Lex walks to the glass. He places one hand on the glass, and looks down. Pan around, to show a serene smile. “Not right now.”
ED: Clark back at the Fortress. A hologram of Darkseid appears, breaking up Clark’s heartfelt conversation with his fake dad.
JG: Finally! “Hello, Kal-El. Your… efforts may have destroyed my portal device, but I still have a few Kryptonian artifacts that remain intact.”
TW: Clark –
KK: Craps his pants?
TW: No he –
AoT: I think Clark would crap his pants.
JG: If someone I tried to kill with a nuclear weapon called to say hello, I would soil myself. And I am much braver than Clark.
TW: Clark does not soil himself! He acts brave!
KK: He acts brave with a load in his pants.
TW: “I defeated you, Darkseid. You are beaten, and Earth is safe.”
AoT: Oh, this will end poorly.
JG: Darkseid smiles.
MR: Ah shit.
JG: “You resemble your sire, Kal-El. So brave. So confident. So sure of your righteousness and power. I am reminded of a proverb from your birth-world. The son becomes the father. And the father, the son.” Darkseid’s smile turns into a grimace.
MR: Did you add that to get Bryan's approval for everything else in the episode?
AoT: Between that and "Kneel before Zod", he might forget you even have anything else in the episode.
KK: I believe Darkseid is about to get himself a bitch.
JG: “Your father underestimated me, Kal-El. He thought I was a simple brute, who could be cowed by the might of the Kryptonian Empire and intimidated by the wisdom of High Council.” Darkseid’s voice drops. He is getting angrier. “Jor-El thought I was a fool. A simple barbarian who rose to power with brute force and good fortune. A craven beast, who would happily cower at the feet of the mighty Kryptonians. As must you, if you think I would allow this… grievous insult to go unpunished. The son becomes the father. And the father, the son”
TW: Cut to Clark –
KK: Who now craps himself?
JG: “In the end, Jor-El learned the truth. He learned of my power, of the foolishness of Zod’s Crusade to oppose me. He learned that to defy Darkseid was to embrace oblivion. As you too shall learn, Kal-El.”
MR: No, this cannot end well at all.
JG: Darkseid’s voice, if it is possible, gets even lower. He speaks through gritted teeth. “The son becomes the father. And the father, the son. That shall be your destiny and your epitaph, Kal-El. The last son of Krypton, shall be die by my hands… as the father died by my hands… as his birth-world died by my hands. As the new world he calls home world shall be die by my hands. So sayeth Darkseid.” Hard cut to black.
Next
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part X)
as retold by RepairmanBob
ED: Once Clark is out of earshot, "I just wanted to thank you.. and your league or whatever you call them for what you did today."
TW: "Well you... " Ollie can't seem to find a compliment to return to Lois, "You were out there too."
ED "Yeah. Well as much as I'd like to give myself, my dad, and especially your band of super powered do gooders credit we all know it wasn't us who saved the day."
TW: "You're not really buying into Lex's Spartan crap..."
ED: "Are you kidding?" Lois pulls out some photos and points at a red blur. "This is the guy who saved the day."
TW: Ollie takes a critical look.
ED: "Hassad said his name is Kal-El. Have you heard of him?"
TW: Quick cut to Clark using super hearing to eavesdrop. He's starting to look concerned.
ED: Of course Ollie lies his ass of and implies that Lois was seeing things. Bastard.
KK: You say that like he really is your ex.
ED: "Look, I know this is going to sound crazy but this guy... "
TW: "Or girl."
ED: "It's a guy. I know it. He's the one who saved us from Armageddon."
TW: "And you know this because....?"
ED: "I saw him destroy the portal." Ollie looks unimpressed. "He can fly, Oliver! And he had some weapon that destroyed something a mega ton missile didn't even scratch."
TW: “You know what Lois? I think you were seeing things. The battle today was pure chaos. At one point I could have swore I was fighting beside Liberace."
KK: If this scene gets any gayer, we are going to need “It’s Raining Men” in the background.
ED: Lois says she doesn't care if no one believes her. She's going to get to the bottom of it.
MR: Wasn't she going to take down Lex last week?
JG: She's like an attack dog with attention deficit.
TW: Assuming the conversation is over Oliver turns away and pops open a beer, "I wish you the best of luck."
ED: There is an awkward silence. "Actually, that wasn't the only thing I wanted to talk to you about."
TW: Oliver waits for Lois to continue. Cut to outside. Clark is starting to get impatient. Krisitn, could you?
KK: Fine anything to get me out of here. I am meeting Allison and Ron – ah, hell.
JG: (Looks interested.) You are meeting who, Kristin?
KK: Never mind. Zinda approaches and gives Clark a flirty look as she goes in, "Hey there, farm-boy."
TW: "I think you should wait."
KK:"For what?" She continues to go in.
TW: "Ollie and Lois..." But Zinda has already gone. Clark moves to follow her.
ED: Back inside. Loins, "I, uh, I wanted to apologize for the things I said to you the last time we saw each other."
TW: "There's no need to apologize Lois. I deserved it."
MR: What? Are you serious?
TW: Erica's idea.
MR: No shit.
ED: "And I've been thinking. Now that I know your secret I thought maybe..." she pauses.
TW: Ollie is oblivious, "Maybe what?"
ED: "Oh, God. Your going to make me come out and say it, aren't you? I was thinking that maybe we could try..."
AoT: What? I thought Lois was going to hook up with Bittleman! Now Durance's character has two men sniffing around her? Where's the justice in that! Martha has what? A deformed mutant?
JG: She's got Lionel!
TW: She does not have Lionel!
KK: Lois is interrupted by a woman's voice. "Oh, Ollie love?" Zinda enters the room and hugs Ollie from behind. Clark follows closely and stops and looks embarrassed when he sees the two of them engaged in PDA. Hold on, what?
ED: Tom's idea.
KK: No shit."The bird is fueling up now but it's cold as a witch's tit outside." She nuzzles Oliver's ear. "I was hoping you might help keep me warm while I get her started back up." Zinda finally notices Lois. "Oh, hi Lois. I didn't see you."
ED: Lois blinks a couple times and gives a fake smile. "Zinda. So how long have you been flying with this clown?"
KK: "Ever since I helped you take out Luthor's twisted version of Pleasure Island. I thought Ollie would have told you?"
ED: "No. He doesn't always share everything with me."
KK: Zinda hugs Ollie tighter, "You were right, Lois. He is quite a catch!"
TW: Lois tries to play it cool but Clark can tell she's broken hearted on the inside.
ED: She's not broken hearted! She's... surprised.
MR: She's broken hearted.
ED: You can stop talking now, Micheal!
TW: So be a nice guy and give her an out Clark offers to drive her home.
ED: Which Lois graciously accepts.
AoT: Since when has Lois graciously accepted anything?
ED: OK, so she accepts without insulting Clark too badly.
TW: And on the way out she makes an ironic comment about having learned her lesson to never date another man with an alternate identity.
KK: Ha. Ha.
ED: Tom's idea.
TW: What? I thought it was funny! It's funny, right Micheal?
MR: Funny, ha ha, or funny, gay?
TW: Funny, ha ha.
MR: Then I'd have to say no. It's not funny.
TW: As Clark and Lois walk out, pan over to a TV, showing the end of Lex’s speech. As Lex talks about defeating the alien menace, the camera suddenly shifts to Apokolips.
AoT: Oh, dear.
TW: The portal machine, the armies, the city- everything is gone. All that is left is rubble, and a gigantic crater.
JG: This isn’t going to end well.
TW: Sinister music starts, and we move down into the crater. Lex’s voice over about stability and safety continues, as the camera speeds up, finally reaching the very bottom.
KK: I think the Transitive Bitch Rule is about to get an exception. Clark never gets to make anyone his bitch.
TW: The ground at the center of the crater has fused into glass. One point slowly begins to shine, then another. The glass starts to crack, and a black light floods upward. The cracks spead, and the glass explodes. The music changes from "Sinister" to "Holy Shit, Run Away Motherfucker, Run Away Now", with lots of horns and chanting in Latin. A battered Darkseid floats up. Zod’s crystal knife is still sticking out of his chest, and he is beyond angry.
JG: I bet he is smart enough not to pull the dagger out of the wound..
TW: Actually, he does.
JG: Oh, good Lord. Do none of you people know how to treat a knife wound?
ED: Hey, Lois –
MR: Is a moron.
TW: Darkseid, unlike Lois, glares at the knife instead of falling over and calling Chloe for a save.
ED: Lois is not dumb!
MR: Maybe compared to Clark.
KK: Or Lex.
AoT: Darkseid was not killed by that? Damn, he is one tough bastard.
JG: Hey, that… well, I guess you are right.
TW: Darkseid looks at the devastation, and grits his teeth. “KAL-EL!”
KK: Looks like Zod’s bitch is about to be handed off.
MR: I hope Zod got a pack of smokes for him.
TW: Back to the warehouse.
MR: Finally.
TW: Lionel threatens to go public about Lex’s alliance with Hassad and role in building the portal, unless he puts him back into a controlling position at LuthorCorp.
MR: No!
JG: Yes!
TW: The barter, and Lex stays as the public face of LuthorCorp, but Lionel gets access to all of his research on Apokolips and alien technology.
MR: No!
JG: Yes!
TW: Lex agrees, Lionel smiles and walks away.
MR: Bullshit! I call bullshit!
JG: Ha!
TW: Clark at the Fortress, talking to Jor-El.
TW: “I thought Zod was a monster, Jor-El. But he sacrificed himself to save Earth. Zod tried to do what he thought was right.”
KK: Which is making people his bitch.
MR: "You are a dumbass, my son."
JG: "I love my son. I love my dumb, gay son!"
ED: Jor-El admits that he was wrong to send Zod to the Phantom Zone.
continued...
ED: Once Clark is out of earshot, "I just wanted to thank you.. and your league or whatever you call them for what you did today."
TW: "Well you... " Ollie can't seem to find a compliment to return to Lois, "You were out there too."
ED "Yeah. Well as much as I'd like to give myself, my dad, and especially your band of super powered do gooders credit we all know it wasn't us who saved the day."
TW: "You're not really buying into Lex's Spartan crap..."
ED: "Are you kidding?" Lois pulls out some photos and points at a red blur. "This is the guy who saved the day."
TW: Ollie takes a critical look.
ED: "Hassad said his name is Kal-El. Have you heard of him?"
TW: Quick cut to Clark using super hearing to eavesdrop. He's starting to look concerned.
ED: Of course Ollie lies his ass of and implies that Lois was seeing things. Bastard.
KK: You say that like he really is your ex.
ED: "Look, I know this is going to sound crazy but this guy... "
TW: "Or girl."
ED: "It's a guy. I know it. He's the one who saved us from Armageddon."
TW: "And you know this because....?"
ED: "I saw him destroy the portal." Ollie looks unimpressed. "He can fly, Oliver! And he had some weapon that destroyed something a mega ton missile didn't even scratch."
TW: “You know what Lois? I think you were seeing things. The battle today was pure chaos. At one point I could have swore I was fighting beside Liberace."
KK: If this scene gets any gayer, we are going to need “It’s Raining Men” in the background.
ED: Lois says she doesn't care if no one believes her. She's going to get to the bottom of it.
MR: Wasn't she going to take down Lex last week?
JG: She's like an attack dog with attention deficit.
TW: Assuming the conversation is over Oliver turns away and pops open a beer, "I wish you the best of luck."
ED: There is an awkward silence. "Actually, that wasn't the only thing I wanted to talk to you about."
TW: Oliver waits for Lois to continue. Cut to outside. Clark is starting to get impatient. Krisitn, could you?
KK: Fine anything to get me out of here. I am meeting Allison and Ron – ah, hell.
JG: (Looks interested.) You are meeting who, Kristin?
KK: Never mind. Zinda approaches and gives Clark a flirty look as she goes in, "Hey there, farm-boy."
TW: "I think you should wait."
KK:"For what?" She continues to go in.
TW: "Ollie and Lois..." But Zinda has already gone. Clark moves to follow her.
ED: Back inside. Loins, "I, uh, I wanted to apologize for the things I said to you the last time we saw each other."
TW: "There's no need to apologize Lois. I deserved it."
MR: What? Are you serious?
TW: Erica's idea.
MR: No shit.
ED: "And I've been thinking. Now that I know your secret I thought maybe..." she pauses.
TW: Ollie is oblivious, "Maybe what?"
ED: "Oh, God. Your going to make me come out and say it, aren't you? I was thinking that maybe we could try..."
AoT: What? I thought Lois was going to hook up with Bittleman! Now Durance's character has two men sniffing around her? Where's the justice in that! Martha has what? A deformed mutant?
JG: She's got Lionel!
TW: She does not have Lionel!
KK: Lois is interrupted by a woman's voice. "Oh, Ollie love?" Zinda enters the room and hugs Ollie from behind. Clark follows closely and stops and looks embarrassed when he sees the two of them engaged in PDA. Hold on, what?
ED: Tom's idea.
KK: No shit."The bird is fueling up now but it's cold as a witch's tit outside." She nuzzles Oliver's ear. "I was hoping you might help keep me warm while I get her started back up." Zinda finally notices Lois. "Oh, hi Lois. I didn't see you."
ED: Lois blinks a couple times and gives a fake smile. "Zinda. So how long have you been flying with this clown?"
KK: "Ever since I helped you take out Luthor's twisted version of Pleasure Island. I thought Ollie would have told you?"
ED: "No. He doesn't always share everything with me."
KK: Zinda hugs Ollie tighter, "You were right, Lois. He is quite a catch!"
TW: Lois tries to play it cool but Clark can tell she's broken hearted on the inside.
ED: She's not broken hearted! She's... surprised.
MR: She's broken hearted.
ED: You can stop talking now, Micheal!
TW: So be a nice guy and give her an out Clark offers to drive her home.
ED: Which Lois graciously accepts.
AoT: Since when has Lois graciously accepted anything?
ED: OK, so she accepts without insulting Clark too badly.
TW: And on the way out she makes an ironic comment about having learned her lesson to never date another man with an alternate identity.
KK: Ha. Ha.
ED: Tom's idea.
TW: What? I thought it was funny! It's funny, right Micheal?
MR: Funny, ha ha, or funny, gay?
TW: Funny, ha ha.
MR: Then I'd have to say no. It's not funny.
TW: As Clark and Lois walk out, pan over to a TV, showing the end of Lex’s speech. As Lex talks about defeating the alien menace, the camera suddenly shifts to Apokolips.
AoT: Oh, dear.
TW: The portal machine, the armies, the city- everything is gone. All that is left is rubble, and a gigantic crater.
JG: This isn’t going to end well.
TW: Sinister music starts, and we move down into the crater. Lex’s voice over about stability and safety continues, as the camera speeds up, finally reaching the very bottom.
KK: I think the Transitive Bitch Rule is about to get an exception. Clark never gets to make anyone his bitch.
TW: The ground at the center of the crater has fused into glass. One point slowly begins to shine, then another. The glass starts to crack, and a black light floods upward. The cracks spead, and the glass explodes. The music changes from "Sinister" to "Holy Shit, Run Away Motherfucker, Run Away Now", with lots of horns and chanting in Latin. A battered Darkseid floats up. Zod’s crystal knife is still sticking out of his chest, and he is beyond angry.
JG: I bet he is smart enough not to pull the dagger out of the wound..
TW: Actually, he does.
JG: Oh, good Lord. Do none of you people know how to treat a knife wound?
ED: Hey, Lois –
MR: Is a moron.
TW: Darkseid, unlike Lois, glares at the knife instead of falling over and calling Chloe for a save.
ED: Lois is not dumb!
MR: Maybe compared to Clark.
KK: Or Lex.
AoT: Darkseid was not killed by that? Damn, he is one tough bastard.
JG: Hey, that… well, I guess you are right.
TW: Darkseid looks at the devastation, and grits his teeth. “KAL-EL!”
KK: Looks like Zod’s bitch is about to be handed off.
MR: I hope Zod got a pack of smokes for him.
TW: Back to the warehouse.
MR: Finally.
TW: Lionel threatens to go public about Lex’s alliance with Hassad and role in building the portal, unless he puts him back into a controlling position at LuthorCorp.
MR: No!
JG: Yes!
TW: The barter, and Lex stays as the public face of LuthorCorp, but Lionel gets access to all of his research on Apokolips and alien technology.
MR: No!
JG: Yes!
TW: Lex agrees, Lionel smiles and walks away.
MR: Bullshit! I call bullshit!
JG: Ha!
TW: Clark at the Fortress, talking to Jor-El.
TW: “I thought Zod was a monster, Jor-El. But he sacrificed himself to save Earth. Zod tried to do what he thought was right.”
KK: Which is making people his bitch.
MR: "You are a dumbass, my son."
JG: "I love my son. I love my dumb, gay son!"
ED: Jor-El admits that he was wrong to send Zod to the Phantom Zone.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part IX)
as retold by RepairmanBob
TW: "Considering your present circumstances, Mr. Hassad, I think it is fair to say you have been... premature in your celebrations."
KK: If this was any gayer, they would be watching Queer Eye together.
ED: Hassad looks slightly offended. “You do realize I am pointing a weapon at you? And why do you keep saying ny name? Have I threatened you before?”
TW: Lucius sounds slightly amused. “I am sorry, would you prefer I use another of your titles? The Seducer? The Manipulator? The Betrayer? Herald of Doom, Emissary of Apokolips, or my favorite, the Right Hand of Darkseid?”
ED: Hassad looks confused but pleased. “You know my work! While I am always happy to met a fan, I simply must be going.”
TW: Lucius continues to smirk. Cut to outside the warehouse. A weapon goes off once, them twice. Hassad yells "No! You cannot be -", then starts screaming. A second later, Lucius calmly walks out. And re-connects his Bluetooth. “Hello, Titan?” Pan to the door, where smoke can be seen rising. “No, it was just an rabid animal that needed to be put down.” Pan to see a badly charred corpse.
AoT+KK: Ewww
JG: Ummm, barbeque.
TW: Lex is giving a press conference. Behind him are the black armored troopers from the portal. Lex is taking full credit for the defeat of the aliens.
MR: Yes!
JG: Oh, come on!
AoT: Martha would object!
TW: He says the armored figures behind him are a top secret meta-human special forces unit created by LuthorCorp and the Department of Defense to protect the world from alien threats. “Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Spartans!”
JG: You got sponsored by the History Channel?
ED: No, by Bungie and Microsoft!
KK: Microsoft paid for this? What are Lex’s new troops programmed to run on Windows Vista?
TW: Microsoft paid us an absurd amount of money to promote Halo 3. I don’t give a crap what they want to call Lex’s soldiers, so long as it covers the special effects bill.
MR: You know, if Microsoft is willing to pay that much for a video game ad, can you imagine how much they would give us to promote their support for–
TW: (scowls, raises his upper lip)
MR: Nothing, nothing.
TW: Pan back to show the television is on in the background of a big party at Ollie’s loft. The JL and the surviving meteor freaks from Embedded are having drinks, talking and celebrating. Bart and Aquaman are giving Clark a hard time, asking since when he could fly. Michael, could you help me out?
MR: Sure. Ollie comes up the Clark. “Care to tell me exactly what happened todat, Clark? Even for Lex, this was a little much.” Hey, was that a shot at Lex?
TW: Try to think of it as a complement. “Ollie, get the guys. We need to talk.” We get a-
KK: Let me guess. Clark tells them back history and the Secret he kept from the regular cast for years?
TW: Umm –
KK: And he warns them about the threat of Darkseid?
TW: Well, you could –
KK: And there is all kinds of manly bonding and “Well, I can see why you kept it a secret but we sure are glad you decided to trust us?” macho crap?
JG: (To AoT) I think I may need to take Ms. Keurk to Las Vegas with me.
TW: You could put it –
KK: Glad I could help you summarize that.
TW: But I wrote all of –
KK: Michael, what David Bowie song do you think would work well for a –
TW: Never mind!
KK: Glad we agree. Never mind Michael.
MR: But you asked me –
KK: What song would work for Lex being beat up by midgets?
MR: (Looks confused)
ED: (To KK) Impressive.
TW: Lex and Hope are standing on a raised platform, which runs along the perimeter of a hole, well lit warehouse. White metal walls and floors, lots of lights.
ED: Pan down to show scientists examining weapons and alien bodies. The remains of the portal are suspended in air, with holograms replacing the missing pieces.
TW: Lex is giving Hope orders. “Tell Dr. Henshaw I want samples of all technology sent to LuthorCorp for internal examination before the government does a full accounting of what was salvaged. Assign three teams to back up Dr. Banner’s group working on the aliens. We cannot spare any of Dr. Richard’s team on this project, and I want –“
JG: (Interrupts) “Enjoying the spoils of victory, Lex? Or scavenging the corpses of the dead for your amusement?”
ED: Would you like to help, John?
JG: Lionel is dressing down Lex! How can I say no? Lex turns and sees Lionel, backed up by Otis.
TW: “I am a little busy right now, Dad. Make an appointment with my secretary, and maybe we can get together some time next week.”
JG: “For a man who nearly lead the world into Armageddon, you certainly do seemed pleased with yourself.”
TW: Lex smiles. “Did you miss my press conference, Dad? The LuthorCorp’s Spartans saved the world from alien invasion. Everyone has said so. The President is even talking about awarding me the Medal of Freedom.”
ED: Back at Ollie’s loft. Lois walks in –
MR: You mean bursts in.
ED: No, walks in –
AoT: She usually does burst into a room.
JG: Usually uninvited.
ED: Lois walks in and spots Clark. "I can't say I'm not surprised, Smallville. When Armageddon is upon us you're no where to be found but you always seem to pop up again the minute a major crisis is averted."
TW: Clark and Oliver share a knowing...
ED: and very gay...
TW: Not gay!
KK: Come on, you know it's going to be gay!
TW: [sighs] You're right. And somewhat gay smile at Lois' expense.
ED: Lois starts pushing Clark towards the door, "Now if you would excuse me I have a couple things I need to say to my ex in private."
TW: Ollie tries not to laugh, "So now I'm your ex?"
AoT: She doesn't seriously call him her ex does she?
ED: The best excuse she could come up with to talk to Ollie privately about the Justice League.
JG: Isn't Clark part of the League?
ED: Lois doesn't know that.
JG: Is she stupid?
ED: I'm choosing not to answer that question.
MR: I will. Yes, John, she is.
ED: Shut up.
MR: Lois Lane is galactically stupid.
ED: [Stops and glares at MR] Are you done? Because I could bring Lex's intelligence into this if I need to.
KK: Lex is the only other character who hasn't figured out Clark's secret.
MR: I'm done.
ED: And Lex has known Clark about twice as long as Lois.
MR: I said I'm done!
continued...
TW: "Considering your present circumstances, Mr. Hassad, I think it is fair to say you have been... premature in your celebrations."
KK: If this was any gayer, they would be watching Queer Eye together.
ED: Hassad looks slightly offended. “You do realize I am pointing a weapon at you? And why do you keep saying ny name? Have I threatened you before?”
TW: Lucius sounds slightly amused. “I am sorry, would you prefer I use another of your titles? The Seducer? The Manipulator? The Betrayer? Herald of Doom, Emissary of Apokolips, or my favorite, the Right Hand of Darkseid?”
ED: Hassad looks confused but pleased. “You know my work! While I am always happy to met a fan, I simply must be going.”
TW: Lucius continues to smirk. Cut to outside the warehouse. A weapon goes off once, them twice. Hassad yells "No! You cannot be -", then starts screaming. A second later, Lucius calmly walks out. And re-connects his Bluetooth. “Hello, Titan?” Pan to the door, where smoke can be seen rising. “No, it was just an rabid animal that needed to be put down.” Pan to see a badly charred corpse.
AoT+KK: Ewww
JG: Ummm, barbeque.
TW: Lex is giving a press conference. Behind him are the black armored troopers from the portal. Lex is taking full credit for the defeat of the aliens.
MR: Yes!
JG: Oh, come on!
AoT: Martha would object!
TW: He says the armored figures behind him are a top secret meta-human special forces unit created by LuthorCorp and the Department of Defense to protect the world from alien threats. “Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Spartans!”
JG: You got sponsored by the History Channel?
ED: No, by Bungie and Microsoft!
KK: Microsoft paid for this? What are Lex’s new troops programmed to run on Windows Vista?
TW: Microsoft paid us an absurd amount of money to promote Halo 3. I don’t give a crap what they want to call Lex’s soldiers, so long as it covers the special effects bill.
MR: You know, if Microsoft is willing to pay that much for a video game ad, can you imagine how much they would give us to promote their support for–
TW: (scowls, raises his upper lip)
MR: Nothing, nothing.
TW: Pan back to show the television is on in the background of a big party at Ollie’s loft. The JL and the surviving meteor freaks from Embedded are having drinks, talking and celebrating. Bart and Aquaman are giving Clark a hard time, asking since when he could fly. Michael, could you help me out?
MR: Sure. Ollie comes up the Clark. “Care to tell me exactly what happened todat, Clark? Even for Lex, this was a little much.” Hey, was that a shot at Lex?
TW: Try to think of it as a complement. “Ollie, get the guys. We need to talk.” We get a-
KK: Let me guess. Clark tells them back history and the Secret he kept from the regular cast for years?
TW: Umm –
KK: And he warns them about the threat of Darkseid?
TW: Well, you could –
KK: And there is all kinds of manly bonding and “Well, I can see why you kept it a secret but we sure are glad you decided to trust us?” macho crap?
JG: (To AoT) I think I may need to take Ms. Keurk to Las Vegas with me.
TW: You could put it –
KK: Glad I could help you summarize that.
TW: But I wrote all of –
KK: Michael, what David Bowie song do you think would work well for a –
TW: Never mind!
KK: Glad we agree. Never mind Michael.
MR: But you asked me –
KK: What song would work for Lex being beat up by midgets?
MR: (Looks confused)
ED: (To KK) Impressive.
TW: Lex and Hope are standing on a raised platform, which runs along the perimeter of a hole, well lit warehouse. White metal walls and floors, lots of lights.
ED: Pan down to show scientists examining weapons and alien bodies. The remains of the portal are suspended in air, with holograms replacing the missing pieces.
TW: Lex is giving Hope orders. “Tell Dr. Henshaw I want samples of all technology sent to LuthorCorp for internal examination before the government does a full accounting of what was salvaged. Assign three teams to back up Dr. Banner’s group working on the aliens. We cannot spare any of Dr. Richard’s team on this project, and I want –“
JG: (Interrupts) “Enjoying the spoils of victory, Lex? Or scavenging the corpses of the dead for your amusement?”
ED: Would you like to help, John?
JG: Lionel is dressing down Lex! How can I say no? Lex turns and sees Lionel, backed up by Otis.
TW: “I am a little busy right now, Dad. Make an appointment with my secretary, and maybe we can get together some time next week.”
JG: “For a man who nearly lead the world into Armageddon, you certainly do seemed pleased with yourself.”
TW: Lex smiles. “Did you miss my press conference, Dad? The LuthorCorp’s Spartans saved the world from alien invasion. Everyone has said so. The President is even talking about awarding me the Medal of Freedom.”
ED: Back at Ollie’s loft. Lois walks in –
MR: You mean bursts in.
ED: No, walks in –
AoT: She usually does burst into a room.
JG: Usually uninvited.
ED: Lois walks in and spots Clark. "I can't say I'm not surprised, Smallville. When Armageddon is upon us you're no where to be found but you always seem to pop up again the minute a major crisis is averted."
TW: Clark and Oliver share a knowing...
ED: and very gay...
TW: Not gay!
KK: Come on, you know it's going to be gay!
TW: [sighs] You're right. And somewhat gay smile at Lois' expense.
ED: Lois starts pushing Clark towards the door, "Now if you would excuse me I have a couple things I need to say to my ex in private."
TW: Ollie tries not to laugh, "So now I'm your ex?"
AoT: She doesn't seriously call him her ex does she?
ED: The best excuse she could come up with to talk to Ollie privately about the Justice League.
JG: Isn't Clark part of the League?
ED: Lois doesn't know that.
JG: Is she stupid?
ED: I'm choosing not to answer that question.
MR: I will. Yes, John, she is.
ED: Shut up.
MR: Lois Lane is galactically stupid.
ED: [Stops and glares at MR] Are you done? Because I could bring Lex's intelligence into this if I need to.
KK: Lex is the only other character who hasn't figured out Clark's secret.
MR: I'm done.
ED: And Lex has known Clark about twice as long as Lois.
MR: I said I'm done!
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part VIII)
as retold by RepairmanBob
ED: “There is no time! You must do what is necessary, Kal-El! Save your world from Darkseid!”
JG: Darkseid starts to fly. “You have the conceit to anger the Lord of Apokolipis! You, who are but a mote of dust before my greatness, would have the gall to draw my attention!”
TW: Clark looks at Zod.
ED: “Go, boy! “
JG: Darkseid speeds up, moving towards Clark. His voice carries across the city. “Your suffering will be as endless as my wrath, Son of Jor-El!”
TW: Clark flies off towards the portal.
JG: Darkseid uses the Omega Effect.
ED: Behind Darkseid, Zod slowly rises.
JG: We show the black rays flying at Clark, as Clark flies towards the portal.
ED: Just before the rays reach Clark, Zod leaps into the air and stabs him through the chest with the crystal knife he used against Ursa and Non.
JG: Darkseid staggers, and the black rays disappear. He looks surprised.
TW: Clark looks around, sees Darkseid and Zod, then spots an object on the ground.
JG: Darkseid slowly drops to the ground, landing on one knee.
TW: Clark appears back at the portal. “Darkseid!”
JG: Darkseid looks up – he is angry. “Kal. El.”
KK: Did Clark just make Darkseid his bitch?
TW: “Kneel before me.” Zoom in close on Clark’s hand – he is holding the dead man’s switch.
ED: Zod starts to laugh.
MR: Seems like more of a Clark / Zod team effort.
JG: Poor Darkseid just got tag teamed into bitchdom.
KK: Clark... just make Darkseid his bitch. No, that does not sound right.
TW: Clark releases the switch and flies through the portal.
JG: “NOOO!” Darkseid tries to fly towards the switch, but Zod grabs him from behind –
KK: Hehehehe.
ED: Fine, grabs him be the back of the neck and crashes into the portal machine.
TW: Zoom in one of the mini-nukes. A red light starts to flash.
JG: Darkseid is beyond pissed. He shouts and struggles with Zod, who is laughing like the Joker on a sugar rush. Pull back to the machine, the city, and the open plains surrounding them. One mushroom cloud. Then another, then countless more. Zod does believe in overkill.
MR: If you used a few less explosions, we could afford Bowie.
ED: The Earth side of the portal. Hassad is calmly watching his forces, when Clark comes out of the portal. They meet eyes for a second, as Clark takes in the battlefield. “Kal-El! You should be dead!”
TW: Clark smiles, and flies above the portal. He pulls out the crystal.
ED: “No! Stop him! Kill Kal-El! Kill him before the destroys the portal!”
TW: Clark flies, dodging several GreenK blasts from the dog soldiers.
ED: Cut back to Lois, who is taking pictures of the portal. She says “What the hell?” and zooms in closer. She takes pictures of a blurry red figure dodging weapon fire.
TW: Clark flies in close, and jams the crystal into the top of the portal.
ED: Hassad runs away, and the portal begins to glow. The hum of the portal becomes higher pitched and louder. The frame starts to shake, and the glow increases, lighting up the entire battlefield. Finally, it explodes sending out a shock wave in every direction. A red fireball swallows up everything around the portal - which happens to be where the heaviest concentration of the parademons are located. The entire time, Lois is taking pictures.
JG: Zod certainly did know how to make an exit.
MR: And make Clark his bitch
AoT: I am going to miss him.
KK: Hey, do you think Clark could stay on Apokolips and Zod could go through the portal and save Earth?
TW: No!
JG: I like it! Lionel and Zod could be wacky, mismatched roommates!
AoT: And they could bicker over Martha –
JG: -while they plot to take over the world!
TW: No!
MR: Zod and Lex could go clubbing in Metropolis!
ED: Lois could get him an Op-Ed column at the Daily Planet! You Damn Dirty Apes – an outsider’s view of modern Metropolis!
TW: No!
KK: (To the tune of "Pinky and the Brain”) They’re MB and the Zod, MB and the Zod.
JG: They’re both super villains
ED: And neither likes cod.
MR: Clark’s dumb ass they’re fought
AoT: But they think his mom is hot!
ED+JG+KK+MR+AoT: They’re MB, they’re MB and the Zod, Zod, Zod, Zod, Zod!
KK: So we are agreed then?
TW: We are not killing Clark off!
KK: (Mocking voice) But Tom, think of the good of the show.
TW: Screw you and your shorter but still shiny hair, Keurk!
JG: Can we go back to Zod for a second?
AoT: I think Martha would be very interested in helping Zod adapt to Life on earth. Look at the wonderful job she did with Clark.
KK+MR+JG: (Hysterical laughter)
AoT: What?
ED: Yeah, I think –
TW: Focus, Erica! Stay on task! Clark flies through the fireball, and looks down at what is left of the fighting. Show scenes of the army, Justice League and the meta-humans taking out the remaining aliens.
KK: And do we get a big celebration party?
ED: That would be cool!
KK: If you are seven.
JG: If Lionel gets to kiss Martha, I vote for the party.
AoT: I want the party!
TW: We will show people looking relived.
JG: No kiss?
ED: They can hug.
TW: No hugs!
ED: Would you rather they kiss?
TW: Fine, fine.
TW: Lucius best is walking around the battlefield, checking bodies. He is talking to someone on his Bluetooth ear-piece.
JG: Product placement number… oh, fuck it.
MR: You know, if you added a few a few more placement shots, we might not even need to cut anything to afford -
TW: (Snarls)
MR: Just saying.
TW: “Yes, I agree, Titan. We have found seven attempts by those damn LuthorCorp abominations to take our wounded or dead… Well, the military and Green Arrow’s people have been able to stop them. Luthor does not want to risk a confrontation here.”
MR: Since when does Lex not want to risk a confrontation?
KK: Since the revelation that he is stealing dead bodies might impact LuthorCorp’s stock price?
ED: Ohh, maybe Lois should write that?
TW: Write it into another episode. We have a scene to finish. Lucius walks towards the ruins of a building. “I know you think this was pointless, but if the invaders had been successful, they would have killed us as quickly as they killed the humans… The losses were regrettable, but – I will need to call you back.” Lucius looks inside, and sees someone moving. “Hello? Are you hurt?”
ED: The figure turns. It is Hassad, holding an Apokolips gun. “I am terribly sorry, but things have not worked out as I planned and I need to be leaving. That will be harder if anyone knows I am alive.” He smiles and points the gun at Lucius. “Wrong place, wrong time, my friend.”
TW: Lucius smirks. “Are you certain you are not going off half-cocked, Mr. Hassad?”
KK: Even Lucius is getting in on the HoYah?
AoT: He was interest in Martha!
TW: Not every man wants to bang Martha!
AoT: They do if they are straight. Speaking of which, when do I have another scene with the President?
TW: (Covers ears) Lalalalalalala
ED: Hassad smiles confidently. “Excuse me? I never do anything by half measures.”
JG: Have you two ever heard of subtlety? Innuendo? Implied meaning?
TW: On Smallville?
TW+ED+MR+KK+AoT+JG: (Hysterical laughter)
continued...
ED: “There is no time! You must do what is necessary, Kal-El! Save your world from Darkseid!”
JG: Darkseid starts to fly. “You have the conceit to anger the Lord of Apokolipis! You, who are but a mote of dust before my greatness, would have the gall to draw my attention!”
TW: Clark looks at Zod.
ED: “Go, boy! “
JG: Darkseid speeds up, moving towards Clark. His voice carries across the city. “Your suffering will be as endless as my wrath, Son of Jor-El!”
TW: Clark flies off towards the portal.
JG: Darkseid uses the Omega Effect.
ED: Behind Darkseid, Zod slowly rises.
JG: We show the black rays flying at Clark, as Clark flies towards the portal.
ED: Just before the rays reach Clark, Zod leaps into the air and stabs him through the chest with the crystal knife he used against Ursa and Non.
JG: Darkseid staggers, and the black rays disappear. He looks surprised.
TW: Clark looks around, sees Darkseid and Zod, then spots an object on the ground.
JG: Darkseid slowly drops to the ground, landing on one knee.
TW: Clark appears back at the portal. “Darkseid!”
JG: Darkseid looks up – he is angry. “Kal. El.”
KK: Did Clark just make Darkseid his bitch?
TW: “Kneel before me.” Zoom in close on Clark’s hand – he is holding the dead man’s switch.
ED: Zod starts to laugh.
MR: Seems like more of a Clark / Zod team effort.
JG: Poor Darkseid just got tag teamed into bitchdom.
KK: Clark... just make Darkseid his bitch. No, that does not sound right.
TW: Clark releases the switch and flies through the portal.
JG: “NOOO!” Darkseid tries to fly towards the switch, but Zod grabs him from behind –
KK: Hehehehe.
ED: Fine, grabs him be the back of the neck and crashes into the portal machine.
TW: Zoom in one of the mini-nukes. A red light starts to flash.
JG: Darkseid is beyond pissed. He shouts and struggles with Zod, who is laughing like the Joker on a sugar rush. Pull back to the machine, the city, and the open plains surrounding them. One mushroom cloud. Then another, then countless more. Zod does believe in overkill.
MR: If you used a few less explosions, we could afford Bowie.
ED: The Earth side of the portal. Hassad is calmly watching his forces, when Clark comes out of the portal. They meet eyes for a second, as Clark takes in the battlefield. “Kal-El! You should be dead!”
TW: Clark smiles, and flies above the portal. He pulls out the crystal.
ED: “No! Stop him! Kill Kal-El! Kill him before the destroys the portal!”
TW: Clark flies, dodging several GreenK blasts from the dog soldiers.
ED: Cut back to Lois, who is taking pictures of the portal. She says “What the hell?” and zooms in closer. She takes pictures of a blurry red figure dodging weapon fire.
TW: Clark flies in close, and jams the crystal into the top of the portal.
ED: Hassad runs away, and the portal begins to glow. The hum of the portal becomes higher pitched and louder. The frame starts to shake, and the glow increases, lighting up the entire battlefield. Finally, it explodes sending out a shock wave in every direction. A red fireball swallows up everything around the portal - which happens to be where the heaviest concentration of the parademons are located. The entire time, Lois is taking pictures.
JG: Zod certainly did know how to make an exit.
MR: And make Clark his bitch
AoT: I am going to miss him.
KK: Hey, do you think Clark could stay on Apokolips and Zod could go through the portal and save Earth?
TW: No!
JG: I like it! Lionel and Zod could be wacky, mismatched roommates!
AoT: And they could bicker over Martha –
JG: -while they plot to take over the world!
TW: No!
MR: Zod and Lex could go clubbing in Metropolis!
ED: Lois could get him an Op-Ed column at the Daily Planet! You Damn Dirty Apes – an outsider’s view of modern Metropolis!
TW: No!
KK: (To the tune of "Pinky and the Brain”) They’re MB and the Zod, MB and the Zod.
JG: They’re both super villains
ED: And neither likes cod.
MR: Clark’s dumb ass they’re fought
AoT: But they think his mom is hot!
ED+JG+KK+MR+AoT: They’re MB, they’re MB and the Zod, Zod, Zod, Zod, Zod!
KK: So we are agreed then?
TW: We are not killing Clark off!
KK: (Mocking voice) But Tom, think of the good of the show.
TW: Screw you and your shorter but still shiny hair, Keurk!
JG: Can we go back to Zod for a second?
AoT: I think Martha would be very interested in helping Zod adapt to Life on earth. Look at the wonderful job she did with Clark.
KK+MR+JG: (Hysterical laughter)
AoT: What?
ED: Yeah, I think –
TW: Focus, Erica! Stay on task! Clark flies through the fireball, and looks down at what is left of the fighting. Show scenes of the army, Justice League and the meta-humans taking out the remaining aliens.
KK: And do we get a big celebration party?
ED: That would be cool!
KK: If you are seven.
JG: If Lionel gets to kiss Martha, I vote for the party.
AoT: I want the party!
TW: We will show people looking relived.
JG: No kiss?
ED: They can hug.
TW: No hugs!
ED: Would you rather they kiss?
TW: Fine, fine.
TW: Lucius best is walking around the battlefield, checking bodies. He is talking to someone on his Bluetooth ear-piece.
JG: Product placement number… oh, fuck it.
MR: You know, if you added a few a few more placement shots, we might not even need to cut anything to afford -
TW: (Snarls)
MR: Just saying.
TW: “Yes, I agree, Titan. We have found seven attempts by those damn LuthorCorp abominations to take our wounded or dead… Well, the military and Green Arrow’s people have been able to stop them. Luthor does not want to risk a confrontation here.”
MR: Since when does Lex not want to risk a confrontation?
KK: Since the revelation that he is stealing dead bodies might impact LuthorCorp’s stock price?
ED: Ohh, maybe Lois should write that?
TW: Write it into another episode. We have a scene to finish. Lucius walks towards the ruins of a building. “I know you think this was pointless, but if the invaders had been successful, they would have killed us as quickly as they killed the humans… The losses were regrettable, but – I will need to call you back.” Lucius looks inside, and sees someone moving. “Hello? Are you hurt?”
ED: The figure turns. It is Hassad, holding an Apokolips gun. “I am terribly sorry, but things have not worked out as I planned and I need to be leaving. That will be harder if anyone knows I am alive.” He smiles and points the gun at Lucius. “Wrong place, wrong time, my friend.”
TW: Lucius smirks. “Are you certain you are not going off half-cocked, Mr. Hassad?”
KK: Even Lucius is getting in on the HoYah?
AoT: He was interest in Martha!
TW: Not every man wants to bang Martha!
AoT: They do if they are straight. Speaking of which, when do I have another scene with the President?
TW: (Covers ears) Lalalalalalala
ED: Hassad smiles confidently. “Excuse me? I never do anything by half measures.”
JG: Have you two ever heard of subtlety? Innuendo? Implied meaning?
TW: On Smallville?
TW+ED+MR+KK+AoT+JG: (Hysterical laughter)
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part VII)
as retold by RepairmanBob
ED: On Earth, Lois and Bittleman see Jimmy.
AoT: Didn’t we kill him?
KK: I killed him twice!
TW: Well, it doesn’t matter, since a stray laser kills him anyway.
MR: So you put Jimmy in just to kill him?
KK: Hurray
JG: Nice.
ED: We put Jimmy in so Lois could grab his very expensive camera.
MR: Wait, don’t Bittleman and Lois already have a camera?
ED: Yeah, but I wanted her to have a better one.
KK: And they get to kill Jimmy again!
AoT: Any chance Jimmy can appear in a dress?
TW: How does that make any sense at all?
KK: It just does!
TW: Fine, Jimmy is wearing a dress as a disguise for some reason.
ED: Back on Apokolips, Darkseid flies to the portal machine.
JG: “I am no longer amused, General Zod.”
ED: “Oh, but I am, mighty fool.” He holds up a small device. “Do you recognize this?” He throws it at Darkseid.
JG: Darkseid catches it. “A primitive nuclear fission weapon.”
KK: A what?
ED: “The apes covering Earth may be primitive, but they do have a talent for self-annihilation.” Zod flies higher. “I have covered your precious portal machine with these devices.” Zod raises something in his right hand, and presses a switch. “If I release this switch, they will detonate, taking this entire city and the portals with them.”
JG: A dead man’s switch? Nice touch. (Looks at the script.) Darkseid scowls.
ED: “Surrender now, mighty dullard, and when I am the ruler of Apokolips I will even allow you to pick which world I shall send you in exile.” Zod flies to the top of the portal machine and raises his arms.
JG: Darkseid smiles. “General Zod, you greatly overestimate your weapons and my patience. You will find both lacking.” He fires the Omega Effect at Zod.
ED: The beam hits Zod’s right arm at the wrist, severing it. The hand, still holding the dead man’s switch, fall to the ground
JG: Darkseid looks amused. "You own dead flesh will hold the trigger in place. It serves my will, as all things must." He smirks at Zod, then sees the flash of the crystal in Clark’s hand. “It is time to end this farce. Bring me the trigger device and Kal-El!"
TW: Clark runs for the portal. The last remaining Brainiacs fall, and Clark is surrounded and overwhelmed. The parademons drag Clark to the ground and pile on top of him.
KK: So we are back to the gay?
JG: That sounds like one ugly orgy.
TW: I hate you all.
ED: Zod lifts his rifle and starts firing left handed at dog soldiers around Clark. “Fly, whelp! Fly to save your world! Fly to save the humans! For once in your miserable existence Kal-El, be a true Son of Krypton and fly, damn you!”
TW: Under the pile, we see the shockwaves, and the entire pile lifts into the sky. Bodies fall, and we see Clark flying.
MR: So Zod inspires Clark to fly?
TW: Adversity inspired Clark to fly.
JG: Darkseid uses the Omega Effect, but it hits the parademons holding onto Clark. It burns through their bodies, getting closer and closer to him.
ED: Zod shoots Darkseid in the face. Darkseid is knocked back a step, and the Omega Effect beams disappear. Zod laughs and continues to fire.
JG: Darkseid is knocked back again, frowns, and for the first time looks annoyed. He flies towards Zod, and uses the Omega Effect. The rifle explodes, knocking Zod back against the portal machine.
TW: With Darkseid distracted, Clark flies towards the portal.
JG: Darkseid flies towards Zod, continuing to blast him with the Omega Effect.
ED: Close up of Zod’s chest. The skin is gone, and we see burned flesh and bone.
KK: Eww.
ED: Zod growls, and uses his heat vision against Darkseid.
JG: Darkseid reaches Zod. He ignored the heat vision, grabs Zod’s head and smashes him through a metal wall.
KK: So, Zod goes from having bitches to becoming one.
JG: Darkseid punches Zod three times in the face, then throws him the ground.
AoT: Now this is a man who knows how to deliver a beating!
JG: Zod tries to stand, and Darkseid stomps on his back. We hear cracking, and Zod screams. “You should have stayed away, General Zod. You should have enjoyed your exile in the Phantom Zone.”
ED: “I… will… kill… you…”
TW: Clark gets to the edge of the portal, and looks back at Zod and Darkseid.
JG: “No, you will not. You have once again failed, General Zod, as you have failed every time you have stood against me. As all must fail who would dare to oppose me. To defy Darkseid... is to defy the will of the universe. It is madness.” Darkseid stomps down again, and we hear more ribs break. “And it will not be tolerated.”
ED: “You… will… kneel… before me…“
TW: Clark looks at the portal, then back at Zod.
JG: “Goodbye, General Zod.” Darkseid raises his foot over Zod’s head. Over his shoulder, you see a small blur.
TW: Cut back to show Clark flying towards Darkseid. We use a slow motion shot to show Clark flying first-first into Darkseid. Darkseid flies off the top of the portal machine, and through a nearby building.
TW: Clark goes to Zod, and lifts him up.
ED: Zod screams again. His face is a mess – nose broken, one eye swelled shut, bleeding from a massive cut on his forehead. “Go, you mewing pup! Leave me and get through that portal!”
TW: “No! No one else dies!”
ED: “I am already dead, boy! Fly damn, you!”
TW: “I will not let Darkseid hurt anyone else!”
KK: Clark wants to save Zod? When did he get dumb again?
ED: I think he is being heroic!
AoT: Or really dumb.
ED: “Your father and I destroyed Krypton. You and I can save your home, but you must destroy the Earth-side portal! It is the only way!”
TW: “But –“
JG: From the rubble of the building, Darkseid stands. For the first time, he looks angry. “You would dare touch me, Kal-El! You would defile my presence with you filthy Kryptonian hands!”
KK: Darkseid is not a fan of people trying to make him a bitch
JG: I suspect he likes the ladies.
MR: He does if Chef is doing the voice.
AoT: “Gonna make love to you, Martha / Gonna lay you down by the fire”
continued...
ED: On Earth, Lois and Bittleman see Jimmy.
AoT: Didn’t we kill him?
KK: I killed him twice!
TW: Well, it doesn’t matter, since a stray laser kills him anyway.
MR: So you put Jimmy in just to kill him?
KK: Hurray
JG: Nice.
ED: We put Jimmy in so Lois could grab his very expensive camera.
MR: Wait, don’t Bittleman and Lois already have a camera?
ED: Yeah, but I wanted her to have a better one.
KK: And they get to kill Jimmy again!
AoT: Any chance Jimmy can appear in a dress?
TW: How does that make any sense at all?
KK: It just does!
TW: Fine, Jimmy is wearing a dress as a disguise for some reason.
ED: Back on Apokolips, Darkseid flies to the portal machine.
JG: “I am no longer amused, General Zod.”
ED: “Oh, but I am, mighty fool.” He holds up a small device. “Do you recognize this?” He throws it at Darkseid.
JG: Darkseid catches it. “A primitive nuclear fission weapon.”
KK: A what?
ED: “The apes covering Earth may be primitive, but they do have a talent for self-annihilation.” Zod flies higher. “I have covered your precious portal machine with these devices.” Zod raises something in his right hand, and presses a switch. “If I release this switch, they will detonate, taking this entire city and the portals with them.”
JG: A dead man’s switch? Nice touch. (Looks at the script.) Darkseid scowls.
ED: “Surrender now, mighty dullard, and when I am the ruler of Apokolips I will even allow you to pick which world I shall send you in exile.” Zod flies to the top of the portal machine and raises his arms.
JG: Darkseid smiles. “General Zod, you greatly overestimate your weapons and my patience. You will find both lacking.” He fires the Omega Effect at Zod.
ED: The beam hits Zod’s right arm at the wrist, severing it. The hand, still holding the dead man’s switch, fall to the ground
JG: Darkseid looks amused. "You own dead flesh will hold the trigger in place. It serves my will, as all things must." He smirks at Zod, then sees the flash of the crystal in Clark’s hand. “It is time to end this farce. Bring me the trigger device and Kal-El!"
TW: Clark runs for the portal. The last remaining Brainiacs fall, and Clark is surrounded and overwhelmed. The parademons drag Clark to the ground and pile on top of him.
KK: So we are back to the gay?
JG: That sounds like one ugly orgy.
TW: I hate you all.
ED: Zod lifts his rifle and starts firing left handed at dog soldiers around Clark. “Fly, whelp! Fly to save your world! Fly to save the humans! For once in your miserable existence Kal-El, be a true Son of Krypton and fly, damn you!”
TW: Under the pile, we see the shockwaves, and the entire pile lifts into the sky. Bodies fall, and we see Clark flying.
MR: So Zod inspires Clark to fly?
TW: Adversity inspired Clark to fly.
JG: Darkseid uses the Omega Effect, but it hits the parademons holding onto Clark. It burns through their bodies, getting closer and closer to him.
ED: Zod shoots Darkseid in the face. Darkseid is knocked back a step, and the Omega Effect beams disappear. Zod laughs and continues to fire.
JG: Darkseid is knocked back again, frowns, and for the first time looks annoyed. He flies towards Zod, and uses the Omega Effect. The rifle explodes, knocking Zod back against the portal machine.
TW: With Darkseid distracted, Clark flies towards the portal.
JG: Darkseid flies towards Zod, continuing to blast him with the Omega Effect.
ED: Close up of Zod’s chest. The skin is gone, and we see burned flesh and bone.
KK: Eww.
ED: Zod growls, and uses his heat vision against Darkseid.
JG: Darkseid reaches Zod. He ignored the heat vision, grabs Zod’s head and smashes him through a metal wall.
KK: So, Zod goes from having bitches to becoming one.
JG: Darkseid punches Zod three times in the face, then throws him the ground.
AoT: Now this is a man who knows how to deliver a beating!
JG: Zod tries to stand, and Darkseid stomps on his back. We hear cracking, and Zod screams. “You should have stayed away, General Zod. You should have enjoyed your exile in the Phantom Zone.”
ED: “I… will… kill… you…”
TW: Clark gets to the edge of the portal, and looks back at Zod and Darkseid.
JG: “No, you will not. You have once again failed, General Zod, as you have failed every time you have stood against me. As all must fail who would dare to oppose me. To defy Darkseid... is to defy the will of the universe. It is madness.” Darkseid stomps down again, and we hear more ribs break. “And it will not be tolerated.”
ED: “You… will… kneel… before me…“
TW: Clark looks at the portal, then back at Zod.
JG: “Goodbye, General Zod.” Darkseid raises his foot over Zod’s head. Over his shoulder, you see a small blur.
TW: Cut back to show Clark flying towards Darkseid. We use a slow motion shot to show Clark flying first-first into Darkseid. Darkseid flies off the top of the portal machine, and through a nearby building.
TW: Clark goes to Zod, and lifts him up.
ED: Zod screams again. His face is a mess – nose broken, one eye swelled shut, bleeding from a massive cut on his forehead. “Go, you mewing pup! Leave me and get through that portal!”
TW: “No! No one else dies!”
ED: “I am already dead, boy! Fly damn, you!”
TW: “I will not let Darkseid hurt anyone else!”
KK: Clark wants to save Zod? When did he get dumb again?
ED: I think he is being heroic!
AoT: Or really dumb.
ED: “Your father and I destroyed Krypton. You and I can save your home, but you must destroy the Earth-side portal! It is the only way!”
TW: “But –“
JG: From the rubble of the building, Darkseid stands. For the first time, he looks angry. “You would dare touch me, Kal-El! You would defile my presence with you filthy Kryptonian hands!”
KK: Darkseid is not a fan of people trying to make him a bitch
JG: I suspect he likes the ladies.
MR: He does if Chef is doing the voice.
AoT: “Gonna make love to you, Martha / Gonna lay you down by the fire”
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part VI)
as retold by RepairmanBob
MR: How about… David Bowie?
(The rest of the cast, once again, looks at MR with expressions of shock or horror.)
TW: David. Bowie. You want Darkseid to be modeled after… David Bowie.
MR: Ziggy Stardust! It will be great! We won’t even need CGI! Did you ever see Labyrinth?
KK: Wasn’t that the episode where Jimmy brought Chloe whipped cream for kinky sex?
AoT: No, it was the episode where Clark decided, despite everything he experienced and anything resembling good judgement or common sense, that he still loves Lana.
KK: Can you be a little more specific?
MR: Bowie will wear make-up! We will save a fortune on CGI! This will be so cool!
ED: Michael, we can’t afford David Bowie.
MR: You and Tom keep saying how much endorsement money you have for this episode! Just cut out a few battle scenes –
TW: Cut the battles… for David Bowie.
MR: - and get rid of the guest guest starts like Justin, Kristin Bell and Michael Ironside –
TW: Cut the cast… for David Bowie.
MR: And you will be all set! Heck, worst comes to worst, we all take a pay cut for one episode, and -
TW: (Stands up, leaps over the table and starts to choke MR) You want to cast David Bowie as Darkseid!
(KK+ED struggle to pull TW off MR)
JG: Should we help?
AoT: It is best if the settle it among themselves.
JG: And if Michael gets hurt, they will need someone to pick up the extra screen time.
AoT: Good point.
TW: I have shielding all of you from Singer for weeks! I have put up with all of his crazy shit for you people! And you thank me by trashing Clark!
MR: Bryan… is… cool…
ED: Tom! Let him go!
TW: It took a week of planning to get rid of him! A week of listening to him go on and on about that goddamn Suit and his stupid fucking movie! All so I could craft the perfect episode! The episode that sets the characters on their epics paths!
KK: Tom! He can’t breath!
MR: Bowie… rocks…
TW: Even after all the shit you put Clark through last week, I made Lex look good! And this is how you thank me? By turning my super villain into a mascara-wearing, cross-dressing, 90 pound, 197o's British pop star!
JG: Well, Michael wore a dress in Sorority Boys.
MR: Excellent… songs... in... 1980's...
TW: I will smash you good! (Starts to shake MR)
MR: Saturn... award... winner...
AoT: I think this has gone on long enough. (Stand up, picks up a chair and smashes it over TW’s head. She picks up TW and MR, lifts them into the air, and sets them back in their chairs.) As I was saying, I have an idea. Vince has asked me to set up more cross-over programs with WWE stars. I have someone in mind for this role, a delightful Indian gentleman I visited several museums with in Australian named the Great Khali.
KK: Are you getting some kind of commission for every WWE wrestler you get on Smallville?
AoT: Not that it is any of your business, but yes.
TW: (shakes his head.) Why should I –
AoT: We need someone larger than Clark, correct? Someone frightening looking?
KK: OK, OK, this could work. But what about the lines?
AoT: Sadly, Khali is still working on his English. He is a better speaker than Erica –
ED: Hey!
AoT: But he is only fluent in Indian, Pakistani, French and Russian. And Swedish, for some odd reason.
MR: Isaac - (breaks into a fit of coughing).
TW: No one from the Love Boat! (Stands up, is held back by JG and ED)
MR: (Clears his throat) Isaac Hayes!
TW: Chef?
JG: From Shaft?
ED: That could actually work.
KK: He has a deep enough voice.
MR: And we could always lower it in postproduction. Of course, we could also lower Bowie’s voice –
TW: (Growls)
MR: But this works, too.
JG: One actor as the body, another for the voice? Will the audience really buy that?
KK: Two words, John. Star. Wars.
JG: I see your point.
TW: So we do Khali for the body, and Isaac Hayes for the voice.
MR: I still think we need to talk more about David Bowie!
AoT: Michael, I want this commission. Let it go.
TW: Back to Apokolips. Darkseid is floating serenely in the air.
ED: Zod smiles. “You are defeated, Darkseid! You are beaten, but you are too ignorant to see it! If you surrender now, and kneel before me, I might find the compassion to let you live as my servant! “ Smile turns into a smirk. “But I doubt it.” Cut to behind Zod. His armor is melting and making a pool around his feet.
MR: So, Kryptonians have black piss when they lie?
JG: Or Zod is crapping himself.
AoT: Tom, I thought you had worked Clark being Zod’s bitch.
TW: Just let us finish the scene, OK?
ED: “Surrender now, Darkseid, or I will destroy your precious portal!”
JG: Darkseid looks down and Zod and Clark, and chuckles. It is a low, unpleasant sound, and it rumbles through city. “You will destroy my machine. General Zod, you capacity for providing amusement… is only exceeded by you capacity for self-delusion.”
TW: Zod’s armor forms a large pool behind him, then splits into several smaller puddles.
JG: “You are in the very heart of Apokolips, General Zod. You are surrounded by countless legions of my loyal servants. And you have… a callow, untested youth.”
TW: The pools start to grow upward.
JG: Darkseid’s voice becomes mocking. “You stand before me armed with only hubris and ignorance. Where are your armies, General Zod? Where are the forces who will stand with you against the might of Apokolips?”
ED: “Where are my armies, oh mighty fool?” Behind Zod, twenty Brainiacs rise up. (To MR) Now do you see why we needed the budget?
MR: (Grumbling) Cool, but not as cool as David Bowie.
ED: “They are right where I need them to be.” Ten Brainiacs fly and carry Darkseid away. “Go, Kal-El! Save your world!”
TW: The other ten Brainiacs attack anything between Clark and the portal. The paardemons start to attack again. Clark smiles and runs towards the portal.
ED: Zod laughs, and super speeds to the portal machine.
TW: Darkseid being carried away and attacked by the Brainiacs. They crash through a building, and the robots super speed around Darkseid, stabbing, punching and shooting head vision.
JG: Darkseid is off balance for a few seconds, then growls “Enough.” He shoots black eye beams at a Brainiac. The Brainiac dodges, but the eye beams follow him. When the hit, the robot turns to ash.
MR: Black eye beams?
KK: The Omega Effect. Cool. (Looks around.) What, I am only allowed to know about science fiction from Sci-Fi?
JG: Darkseid ignores the attacks from the other Brainiacs, and quickly uses his eye –
KK: (cough)
JG: Fine, the Omega Effect to destroy them. He scowls.
TW: Back at the portal, Clark has fought his way to within 20 feet of the portal, but the Brainaics helping him are starting to fall.
ED: Zod is speeding through the portal machine, attaching small devices.
Continued...
MR: How about… David Bowie?
(The rest of the cast, once again, looks at MR with expressions of shock or horror.)
TW: David. Bowie. You want Darkseid to be modeled after… David Bowie.
MR: Ziggy Stardust! It will be great! We won’t even need CGI! Did you ever see Labyrinth?
KK: Wasn’t that the episode where Jimmy brought Chloe whipped cream for kinky sex?
AoT: No, it was the episode where Clark decided, despite everything he experienced and anything resembling good judgement or common sense, that he still loves Lana.
KK: Can you be a little more specific?
MR: Bowie will wear make-up! We will save a fortune on CGI! This will be so cool!
ED: Michael, we can’t afford David Bowie.
MR: You and Tom keep saying how much endorsement money you have for this episode! Just cut out a few battle scenes –
TW: Cut the battles… for David Bowie.
MR: - and get rid of the guest guest starts like Justin, Kristin Bell and Michael Ironside –
TW: Cut the cast… for David Bowie.
MR: And you will be all set! Heck, worst comes to worst, we all take a pay cut for one episode, and -
TW: (Stands up, leaps over the table and starts to choke MR) You want to cast David Bowie as Darkseid!
(KK+ED struggle to pull TW off MR)
JG: Should we help?
AoT: It is best if the settle it among themselves.
JG: And if Michael gets hurt, they will need someone to pick up the extra screen time.
AoT: Good point.
TW: I have shielding all of you from Singer for weeks! I have put up with all of his crazy shit for you people! And you thank me by trashing Clark!
MR: Bryan… is… cool…
ED: Tom! Let him go!
TW: It took a week of planning to get rid of him! A week of listening to him go on and on about that goddamn Suit and his stupid fucking movie! All so I could craft the perfect episode! The episode that sets the characters on their epics paths!
KK: Tom! He can’t breath!
MR: Bowie… rocks…
TW: Even after all the shit you put Clark through last week, I made Lex look good! And this is how you thank me? By turning my super villain into a mascara-wearing, cross-dressing, 90 pound, 197o's British pop star!
JG: Well, Michael wore a dress in Sorority Boys.
MR: Excellent… songs... in... 1980's...
TW: I will smash you good! (Starts to shake MR)
MR: Saturn... award... winner...
AoT: I think this has gone on long enough. (Stand up, picks up a chair and smashes it over TW’s head. She picks up TW and MR, lifts them into the air, and sets them back in their chairs.) As I was saying, I have an idea. Vince has asked me to set up more cross-over programs with WWE stars. I have someone in mind for this role, a delightful Indian gentleman I visited several museums with in Australian named the Great Khali.
KK: Are you getting some kind of commission for every WWE wrestler you get on Smallville?
AoT: Not that it is any of your business, but yes.
TW: (shakes his head.) Why should I –
AoT: We need someone larger than Clark, correct? Someone frightening looking?
KK: OK, OK, this could work. But what about the lines?
AoT: Sadly, Khali is still working on his English. He is a better speaker than Erica –
ED: Hey!
AoT: But he is only fluent in Indian, Pakistani, French and Russian. And Swedish, for some odd reason.
MR: Isaac - (breaks into a fit of coughing).
TW: No one from the Love Boat! (Stands up, is held back by JG and ED)
MR: (Clears his throat) Isaac Hayes!
TW: Chef?
JG: From Shaft?
ED: That could actually work.
KK: He has a deep enough voice.
MR: And we could always lower it in postproduction. Of course, we could also lower Bowie’s voice –
TW: (Growls)
MR: But this works, too.
JG: One actor as the body, another for the voice? Will the audience really buy that?
KK: Two words, John. Star. Wars.
JG: I see your point.
TW: So we do Khali for the body, and Isaac Hayes for the voice.
MR: I still think we need to talk more about David Bowie!
AoT: Michael, I want this commission. Let it go.
TW: Back to Apokolips. Darkseid is floating serenely in the air.
ED: Zod smiles. “You are defeated, Darkseid! You are beaten, but you are too ignorant to see it! If you surrender now, and kneel before me, I might find the compassion to let you live as my servant! “ Smile turns into a smirk. “But I doubt it.” Cut to behind Zod. His armor is melting and making a pool around his feet.
MR: So, Kryptonians have black piss when they lie?
JG: Or Zod is crapping himself.
AoT: Tom, I thought you had worked Clark being Zod’s bitch.
TW: Just let us finish the scene, OK?
ED: “Surrender now, Darkseid, or I will destroy your precious portal!”
JG: Darkseid looks down and Zod and Clark, and chuckles. It is a low, unpleasant sound, and it rumbles through city. “You will destroy my machine. General Zod, you capacity for providing amusement… is only exceeded by you capacity for self-delusion.”
TW: Zod’s armor forms a large pool behind him, then splits into several smaller puddles.
JG: “You are in the very heart of Apokolips, General Zod. You are surrounded by countless legions of my loyal servants. And you have… a callow, untested youth.”
TW: The pools start to grow upward.
JG: Darkseid’s voice becomes mocking. “You stand before me armed with only hubris and ignorance. Where are your armies, General Zod? Where are the forces who will stand with you against the might of Apokolips?”
ED: “Where are my armies, oh mighty fool?” Behind Zod, twenty Brainiacs rise up. (To MR) Now do you see why we needed the budget?
MR: (Grumbling) Cool, but not as cool as David Bowie.
ED: “They are right where I need them to be.” Ten Brainiacs fly and carry Darkseid away. “Go, Kal-El! Save your world!”
TW: The other ten Brainiacs attack anything between Clark and the portal. The paardemons start to attack again. Clark smiles and runs towards the portal.
ED: Zod laughs, and super speeds to the portal machine.
TW: Darkseid being carried away and attacked by the Brainiacs. They crash through a building, and the robots super speed around Darkseid, stabbing, punching and shooting head vision.
JG: Darkseid is off balance for a few seconds, then growls “Enough.” He shoots black eye beams at a Brainiac. The Brainiac dodges, but the eye beams follow him. When the hit, the robot turns to ash.
MR: Black eye beams?
KK: The Omega Effect. Cool. (Looks around.) What, I am only allowed to know about science fiction from Sci-Fi?
JG: Darkseid ignores the attacks from the other Brainiacs, and quickly uses his eye –
KK: (cough)
JG: Fine, the Omega Effect to destroy them. He scowls.
TW: Back at the portal, Clark has fought his way to within 20 feet of the portal, but the Brainaics helping him are starting to fall.
ED: Zod is speeding through the portal machine, attaching small devices.
Continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part V)
as retold by RepairmanBob
ED: Back to the battlefield. Lois and Bittleman are taking pictures, and Lois gets to shoot a few drooling dog soldiers.
TW: We see Titan shooting red eye beams at an Apokolips jeep, which explodes. Cyborg rushes three parademons to save some soldiers, and his arm is blown off. The soldiers help carry him away.
MR: Cool.
JG: Severed limbs? You really expect to get that past the censors?
TW: It is the robotic arm.
JG: Oh, never mind then.
ED: More meteor freaks and soldiers go down, and the parademons keep pushing forward.
TW: Inside General Lane’s tent. He is still on the phone. “Pull back to Beta Site! Full retreat! Even with the meta-humans, we are taking too many losses… We cannot maintain this location!… Regroup and execute Plan Gamma 47.”
ED: Martha still has the iPhone. Lionel is standing next to her. “No, you listen to me! I have Presidential authority to impose martial law, and I am ordering you to evacuate Metropolis! The invaders are heading towards the city, and we are barely holding them off!… I do not care what you need to do! Just get the people out of the city!”
AoT: Tom, perhaps I misjudged -
TW: Thank Erica. These scenes were your idea.
AoT: Really.
ED: (Looks at JG and AoT) You two owe me.
TW: One of the walls of the tent is ripped away. An parademon runs in and shoots two people.
JG: Not Lionel!
TW: No, the extras.
JG: Oh, good.
TW: The alien points his staff weapon at Martha –
AoT: Tom…
ED: But Lionel pulls her out of the way.
JG: And they kiss!
TW: And General Lane, still on the phone, pulls out his sidearm and shoots the alien twice.
JG: Wait, Lionel pulls Martha away but Lois’s dad gets to shoot someone?
MR: Well, it is Michael Ironside. He deserves to shoot someone.
ED: How about Lionel gets a gun from one of the dead soldiers, and he also shoots the alien?
JG: (Smiles) Lionel saves Martha and kills someone in the same scene. Durance, I like how you think.
AoT: I think Martha should get to shoot someone.
TW: Enough! The alien dies, and General Lane tells everyone to pack up and move to Beta Site.
ED: Clark and Zod are near the portal machine, attacking parademons and breaking stuff. Lots of super powers here, and Zod using his guns.
MR: That’s it? You are setting up a major battle scene, and that is all you are writing?
TW: It is just a set-up scene. Clark lifts and throws troops.
ED: Zod flies over is blowing shit up all over the place with his rifle in one hand and a home made pistol in the other. Zod laughs as he destroys a troop transport, blowing a crater in the ground and sending the green and gold clad survivors running. "Come to me, Darkseid! I defy you! Come, you wretch! Kneel before your better! Kneel before your master! Kneel before Zod!”
MR: (Stands up and claps.) That is so awesome!
JG: (Also stands and applauds.) What a bastard!
KK: I think you will cause a million geekgaisms with that one.
MR: Bryan will love it!
TW: (Smirks at ED) I told you we needed that line.
ED: I still don’t get it.
JG: Imagine that.
TW: Back to earth. Five fighter jets fly over Metropolis. We get some chatter about attacking the portal, then the pick up the flying dog soldiers. After a short dogfight, the jets are ripped apart or shot down.
ED: Cut to Hassad at the portal. “The humans are fools! We will drown them in their own blood!” He issues more orders.
TW: Cut to one of the parademons exploding.
ED: “What was that?”
TW: In the air, we see a dot flying. Quick zoom to show a group of 8 figures in heavy black armor flying over the city. Zoom in close on the lead figure to the see the LuthorCorp logo on his shoulder. The parademons shoot at them, but the weapons are deflected by force fields.
MR: Yes!
TW: They shoot fire, ice, or rockets at the flying dogs. One of the armored warriors flies to a parademon, rips off its wings and throws it to the ground.
MR: Yes! Yes!
ED: On the ground, more of the armored figures super speed into battle and attack the Cujo Corps. The fights are short and brutal. Two of them grab an alien tank and pull it underground.
KK: Did they just make Farmer Moleman’s power cool?
JG: I believe they did.
MR: (Stands up and dances) Lex rules! Yes! Yes! Yes!
TW: One of the figures moves towards the portal, and is brought down by fire from Hassad’s heavy guns. But in every other case, they destroy the aliens.
ED: Back to the LuthorCorp lab. Lex and Dr. Richards are monitoring the battle on holographic displays.
TW: “They are performing above expected parameters. Full use of the alien technology. All units are exhibiting 4-6 stable and controlled meta-human abilities.”
ED: “Unit 15 is down - sending Unit 4 to return it to base.”
TW: “Pull them back from the portal. Our only loss has come from those heavy weapons.” Lex smiles. “And have Unit 7 start bringing back alien technology and meta-human bodies. No uses letting all of that raw material go to waste.”
TW: Back to Apokolips. The dog soldiers suddenly pull back from Clark and Zod, growling and drooling all the while. Zod lands next to Clark and raises his eyebrow. The parademons continue to back away leaving a large open space around the Kryptonians. John?
JG: Very well. The area is quiet for a few seconds. Then someone slowly claps. “Bravo, General Zod. Your small rebellion has… amused me. It has amused me greatly. As has your willingness to kill your own kin. You will make a worthy slave. But now, the time for your disruption… has ended.” Darkseid floats over the battleground, hands folded behind his back, with a tiny smile on his face.
KK: OK, how are we going to cast Darkseid?
TW: CGI, probably.
AoT: I have an idea.
MR: Rick Springfield! I say Rick Springfield!
(The rest of the cast looks at MR with expressions of shock or horror.)
TW: No way!
ED: (To KK) Who is Rick Springfield?
KK: (To ED) How the hell should I know?
MR: I love Rick Springfield! We need to base the CGI on someone’s face, anyway, and Rick will be perfect! Think of the cross-over appeal!
TW: What cross-over appeal? How does Rick Springfield cross-over with the audience of Smallville?
AoT: (To JG) Who is Rick Springfield?
JG: (To AoT) How the hell should I know?
MR: Everyone loved Rick Springfield! (Starts to sing Jessie’s Girl)
TW: No! There is no fucking way is our major villain a 1980’s big hair has-been!
MR: (Stops singing) That is harsh, Tom.
TW: Michael, just try to think of the show.
MR: I guess we do need someone bigger.
AoT: I have an idea you might –
MR: I got it!
KK: Oh God.
continued...
ED: Back to the battlefield. Lois and Bittleman are taking pictures, and Lois gets to shoot a few drooling dog soldiers.
TW: We see Titan shooting red eye beams at an Apokolips jeep, which explodes. Cyborg rushes three parademons to save some soldiers, and his arm is blown off. The soldiers help carry him away.
MR: Cool.
JG: Severed limbs? You really expect to get that past the censors?
TW: It is the robotic arm.
JG: Oh, never mind then.
ED: More meteor freaks and soldiers go down, and the parademons keep pushing forward.
TW: Inside General Lane’s tent. He is still on the phone. “Pull back to Beta Site! Full retreat! Even with the meta-humans, we are taking too many losses… We cannot maintain this location!… Regroup and execute Plan Gamma 47.”
ED: Martha still has the iPhone. Lionel is standing next to her. “No, you listen to me! I have Presidential authority to impose martial law, and I am ordering you to evacuate Metropolis! The invaders are heading towards the city, and we are barely holding them off!… I do not care what you need to do! Just get the people out of the city!”
AoT: Tom, perhaps I misjudged -
TW: Thank Erica. These scenes were your idea.
AoT: Really.
ED: (Looks at JG and AoT) You two owe me.
TW: One of the walls of the tent is ripped away. An parademon runs in and shoots two people.
JG: Not Lionel!
TW: No, the extras.
JG: Oh, good.
TW: The alien points his staff weapon at Martha –
AoT: Tom…
ED: But Lionel pulls her out of the way.
JG: And they kiss!
TW: And General Lane, still on the phone, pulls out his sidearm and shoots the alien twice.
JG: Wait, Lionel pulls Martha away but Lois’s dad gets to shoot someone?
MR: Well, it is Michael Ironside. He deserves to shoot someone.
ED: How about Lionel gets a gun from one of the dead soldiers, and he also shoots the alien?
JG: (Smiles) Lionel saves Martha and kills someone in the same scene. Durance, I like how you think.
AoT: I think Martha should get to shoot someone.
TW: Enough! The alien dies, and General Lane tells everyone to pack up and move to Beta Site.
ED: Clark and Zod are near the portal machine, attacking parademons and breaking stuff. Lots of super powers here, and Zod using his guns.
MR: That’s it? You are setting up a major battle scene, and that is all you are writing?
TW: It is just a set-up scene. Clark lifts and throws troops.
ED: Zod flies over is blowing shit up all over the place with his rifle in one hand and a home made pistol in the other. Zod laughs as he destroys a troop transport, blowing a crater in the ground and sending the green and gold clad survivors running. "Come to me, Darkseid! I defy you! Come, you wretch! Kneel before your better! Kneel before your master! Kneel before Zod!”
MR: (Stands up and claps.) That is so awesome!
JG: (Also stands and applauds.) What a bastard!
KK: I think you will cause a million geekgaisms with that one.
MR: Bryan will love it!
TW: (Smirks at ED) I told you we needed that line.
ED: I still don’t get it.
JG: Imagine that.
TW: Back to earth. Five fighter jets fly over Metropolis. We get some chatter about attacking the portal, then the pick up the flying dog soldiers. After a short dogfight, the jets are ripped apart or shot down.
ED: Cut to Hassad at the portal. “The humans are fools! We will drown them in their own blood!” He issues more orders.
TW: Cut to one of the parademons exploding.
ED: “What was that?”
TW: In the air, we see a dot flying. Quick zoom to show a group of 8 figures in heavy black armor flying over the city. Zoom in close on the lead figure to the see the LuthorCorp logo on his shoulder. The parademons shoot at them, but the weapons are deflected by force fields.
MR: Yes!
TW: They shoot fire, ice, or rockets at the flying dogs. One of the armored warriors flies to a parademon, rips off its wings and throws it to the ground.
MR: Yes! Yes!
ED: On the ground, more of the armored figures super speed into battle and attack the Cujo Corps. The fights are short and brutal. Two of them grab an alien tank and pull it underground.
KK: Did they just make Farmer Moleman’s power cool?
JG: I believe they did.
MR: (Stands up and dances) Lex rules! Yes! Yes! Yes!
TW: One of the figures moves towards the portal, and is brought down by fire from Hassad’s heavy guns. But in every other case, they destroy the aliens.
ED: Back to the LuthorCorp lab. Lex and Dr. Richards are monitoring the battle on holographic displays.
TW: “They are performing above expected parameters. Full use of the alien technology. All units are exhibiting 4-6 stable and controlled meta-human abilities.”
ED: “Unit 15 is down - sending Unit 4 to return it to base.”
TW: “Pull them back from the portal. Our only loss has come from those heavy weapons.” Lex smiles. “And have Unit 7 start bringing back alien technology and meta-human bodies. No uses letting all of that raw material go to waste.”
TW: Back to Apokolips. The dog soldiers suddenly pull back from Clark and Zod, growling and drooling all the while. Zod lands next to Clark and raises his eyebrow. The parademons continue to back away leaving a large open space around the Kryptonians. John?
JG: Very well. The area is quiet for a few seconds. Then someone slowly claps. “Bravo, General Zod. Your small rebellion has… amused me. It has amused me greatly. As has your willingness to kill your own kin. You will make a worthy slave. But now, the time for your disruption… has ended.” Darkseid floats over the battleground, hands folded behind his back, with a tiny smile on his face.
KK: OK, how are we going to cast Darkseid?
TW: CGI, probably.
AoT: I have an idea.
MR: Rick Springfield! I say Rick Springfield!
(The rest of the cast looks at MR with expressions of shock or horror.)
TW: No way!
ED: (To KK) Who is Rick Springfield?
KK: (To ED) How the hell should I know?
MR: I love Rick Springfield! We need to base the CGI on someone’s face, anyway, and Rick will be perfect! Think of the cross-over appeal!
TW: What cross-over appeal? How does Rick Springfield cross-over with the audience of Smallville?
AoT: (To JG) Who is Rick Springfield?
JG: (To AoT) How the hell should I know?
MR: Everyone loved Rick Springfield! (Starts to sing Jessie’s Girl)
TW: No! There is no fucking way is our major villain a 1980’s big hair has-been!
MR: (Stops singing) That is harsh, Tom.
TW: Michael, just try to think of the show.
MR: I guess we do need someone bigger.
AoT: I have an idea you might –
MR: I got it!
KK: Oh God.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part IV)
as retold by RepairmanBob
TW: The cell. Clark is overwhelmed by Non and Ursa, and is getting his ass kicked.
JG: Again.
TW: But this time, it serves a purpose. Cut to Zod. He is staring off space looking devastated. Cue some dramatic, “a beat-down is coming” music. His expression changes to the more pissed off look we have come to know. Zod stands up, reaches into his boot, and takes out a crystal dagger. He super-speeds up to the fight, where Non is holding Clark against a wall –
MR: Where he is banging him roughly?
TW: For Ursha to –
KK: Roughly bang him?
TW: Use her heat vision.
JG: Close enough.
ED: Zod stabs Non in the back. The big kryptonian looks confused, and drops to the ground. Ursa screams and attacks Zod. They fight, and Zod stabs her. Ursa grabs Zod to hold herself up. She looks at him, and says “Thank… you… my… love” and goes limp. Zod carefully lowers he to the ground.
TW: Back to General Lane’s tent. Lucius walks in, nods to Lionel and tells Martha they are ready. Outside, meta-humans join the attack.
JG: OK, what product will you be pimping for this scene?
ED: For this scene? Nothing.
JG: Oh come on. The special effects budget for a large group of meteor freaks attacking an invading army from Apokolips will be astronomical.
TW: It has all been approved by the accounting department. We have one product later on that will pay for the rest of the episode.
MR: Is it porn? Did you make a deal to sell porn?
KK: I say Nike!
AoT: DeBeers!
ED: Oh, I think it is –
TW: Erica! Shut up!
ED: What?
TW: You know what it is! You helped me make the deal!
ED: Oh, yeah.
TW: Back in the cell. “Zod?”
KK: Awwww, Zod’s bitch is worried about him.
ED: “My family died twenty years ago, whelp. They died on Krypton, along with the rest of our people. They died because of the arrogance of the High Council. The died because of your fool of a sire. They died because of me.” Zod closes Ursa’s eyes. “Krypton died because of me.” Zod says that Darkseid must be stopped.
TW: “What do you care about Earth?”
ED: “I care about justice for dead. I care about correcting the mistakes of the past.” Zod smirks. “Most of all, I care about vengeance. I care about making Darkseid scream and bleed and suffer. If that means your precious apes live to see another day, it is a price I am willing to pay. But I canot do this alone. Are you with me, Kal-El? Will you do what is necessary to save your world?”
TW: “Yes.”
MR: Buddy cop moment, or gay moment?
KK: Little from column A, little from column B.
TW: Zod and Clark charge the door, and burst through it.
TW: The LuthorCorp lab from Exit. Dr. Richards and Lex are frantically moving from one computer to another, flipping switches and pressing buttons. “How many of the Revision Two units can we bring online?"
ED: Dr. Richard looks like he is about to crap his pants. "The power needed to activate the units is massive, and with our present limitations -"
TW: Lex looks annoyed. "How many?"
ED: "Twenty units at most. Of course, if we temporarily re-routed some of the power allocated for Vault Black-"
TW: Lex turns on Dr. Richard, and looks very, very scary. "Nothing takes priority over Vault Black, Dr. Richards. Nothing. Do not make me tell you that again."
KK: I do believe Lex finally got himself a bitch.
MR: Nice.
JG: Don't worry. I am sure he will betray Lex some time soon.
MR: Quiet you!
TW: Lex calms himself. "How soon after activation can they go into the field?"
ED: “Less than ten minutes." Pause, while Dr. Richards finds his balls. "Are you sure about this, Mr. Luthor? We just finished testing the new alien technology, to say nothing of the unstable baseline materials from Vault Black –“
TW: “No time like the present for a field test, Dr. Richards." Lex presses several keys, and a hologram of a large, poorly lit room, filled tables covered in hoses and wires. Shapes can be seen on each table, and fog covers the metal grates of the floor.
KK: Great, Lex has another sex dungeon.
JG: You can never have too many sex dungeons.
TW: Lex places his hand to the hologram. "Lex Luthor. Password: Leonidas. Code: Thermopylae."
ED: Lights start to flash. The tubes and wires drop away. The table nearest lifts and tilts ninety degrees. A massive figure, hidden in shadow, slowly steps off the table. More tables begin to shift, and human-shaped shadows begin to move.
TW: Lex smiles. “It is time for LuthorCorp to save the world.”
AoT: You are going to get us sued!
KK: Yet again.
TW: We’ll call it a tribute.
AoT: I just want you all agree that this was Tom and Erica’s idea. When we are sued, they are the responsible parties.
JG: Since when do you care about lawsuits?
AoT: Since we seem to get production shut down a few times a year because of them. I like my paycheck to arrive on time every month, thank you.
TW: Back to Apokolips. Zod and Clark are looking at a huge machine, a few hundred feet from the portal they came through. At the top of the machine, a glowing white crystal shines brightly. An army of parademons, stretching back as far as the eye can see, marches, drives and flies into the portal Clark and Zod arrived in.
MR: Hold on, you are skipping the escape?
ED: Pretty much. Oh, and Zod has his backpack and weapons again.
MR: Come on! How can you leave that out?
TW: The same way the writers left out that Lionel could see in season two. Very easily.
JG: That hurts, Tom.
ED: Zod is putting on black battle armor. He points to the machine. “It is based on Kryptonian technology, Kal-El. Darkseid must have stolen it – he could never build something that advanced this on his own. If we destroy the machine –“
TW: “Then we end the invasion.”
JG: When did Clark become so intelligent?
TW: Since I was able to write him.
ED: Zod smiles. “Precisely.” He hands Clark a crystal. “You must get through the portal, whelp. The apes lack any weapon that could damage a functional portal. With this, you can destroy it.”
TW: “Hassad did not need the portal to get to earth. What is to stop Darkseid from sending him back to do this all over again?”
MR: Budget constraints?
KK: Plot induced stupidity?
ED: “The backlash from destroying the Earth-side portal will disable Darkseid's machine. I have a plan that will finish the job. The resulting explosions will wipe that smug grin from Darkseid’s face.” Zod’s smile becomes evil. “Along with his skin, his flesh and his bones.”
TW: “But you will be –“
ED: “Trapped here? Did you honestly think I would want to go back to Earth with you?” Zod laughs. “One of us must stay on here, to ensure the destruction is complete.”
TW: “That is suicide.”
KK: Duh.
ED: “That is doing what is necessary.” Zod breaks into a wide smile. “It will be glorious! I will keep the great oaf’s attention, boy. No matter what happens, no matter the cost, you must get through that portal!” Zod runs off towards the portal machine, and Clark follows him.
continued...
TW: The cell. Clark is overwhelmed by Non and Ursa, and is getting his ass kicked.
JG: Again.
TW: But this time, it serves a purpose. Cut to Zod. He is staring off space looking devastated. Cue some dramatic, “a beat-down is coming” music. His expression changes to the more pissed off look we have come to know. Zod stands up, reaches into his boot, and takes out a crystal dagger. He super-speeds up to the fight, where Non is holding Clark against a wall –
MR: Where he is banging him roughly?
TW: For Ursha to –
KK: Roughly bang him?
TW: Use her heat vision.
JG: Close enough.
ED: Zod stabs Non in the back. The big kryptonian looks confused, and drops to the ground. Ursa screams and attacks Zod. They fight, and Zod stabs her. Ursa grabs Zod to hold herself up. She looks at him, and says “Thank… you… my… love” and goes limp. Zod carefully lowers he to the ground.
TW: Back to General Lane’s tent. Lucius walks in, nods to Lionel and tells Martha they are ready. Outside, meta-humans join the attack.
JG: OK, what product will you be pimping for this scene?
ED: For this scene? Nothing.
JG: Oh come on. The special effects budget for a large group of meteor freaks attacking an invading army from Apokolips will be astronomical.
TW: It has all been approved by the accounting department. We have one product later on that will pay for the rest of the episode.
MR: Is it porn? Did you make a deal to sell porn?
KK: I say Nike!
AoT: DeBeers!
ED: Oh, I think it is –
TW: Erica! Shut up!
ED: What?
TW: You know what it is! You helped me make the deal!
ED: Oh, yeah.
TW: Back in the cell. “Zod?”
KK: Awwww, Zod’s bitch is worried about him.
ED: “My family died twenty years ago, whelp. They died on Krypton, along with the rest of our people. They died because of the arrogance of the High Council. The died because of your fool of a sire. They died because of me.” Zod closes Ursa’s eyes. “Krypton died because of me.” Zod says that Darkseid must be stopped.
TW: “What do you care about Earth?”
ED: “I care about justice for dead. I care about correcting the mistakes of the past.” Zod smirks. “Most of all, I care about vengeance. I care about making Darkseid scream and bleed and suffer. If that means your precious apes live to see another day, it is a price I am willing to pay. But I canot do this alone. Are you with me, Kal-El? Will you do what is necessary to save your world?”
TW: “Yes.”
MR: Buddy cop moment, or gay moment?
KK: Little from column A, little from column B.
TW: Zod and Clark charge the door, and burst through it.
TW: The LuthorCorp lab from Exit. Dr. Richards and Lex are frantically moving from one computer to another, flipping switches and pressing buttons. “How many of the Revision Two units can we bring online?"
ED: Dr. Richard looks like he is about to crap his pants. "The power needed to activate the units is massive, and with our present limitations -"
TW: Lex looks annoyed. "How many?"
ED: "Twenty units at most. Of course, if we temporarily re-routed some of the power allocated for Vault Black-"
TW: Lex turns on Dr. Richard, and looks very, very scary. "Nothing takes priority over Vault Black, Dr. Richards. Nothing. Do not make me tell you that again."
KK: I do believe Lex finally got himself a bitch.
MR: Nice.
JG: Don't worry. I am sure he will betray Lex some time soon.
MR: Quiet you!
TW: Lex calms himself. "How soon after activation can they go into the field?"
ED: “Less than ten minutes." Pause, while Dr. Richards finds his balls. "Are you sure about this, Mr. Luthor? We just finished testing the new alien technology, to say nothing of the unstable baseline materials from Vault Black –“
TW: “No time like the present for a field test, Dr. Richards." Lex presses several keys, and a hologram of a large, poorly lit room, filled tables covered in hoses and wires. Shapes can be seen on each table, and fog covers the metal grates of the floor.
KK: Great, Lex has another sex dungeon.
JG: You can never have too many sex dungeons.
TW: Lex places his hand to the hologram. "Lex Luthor. Password: Leonidas. Code: Thermopylae."
ED: Lights start to flash. The tubes and wires drop away. The table nearest lifts and tilts ninety degrees. A massive figure, hidden in shadow, slowly steps off the table. More tables begin to shift, and human-shaped shadows begin to move.
TW: Lex smiles. “It is time for LuthorCorp to save the world.”
AoT: You are going to get us sued!
KK: Yet again.
TW: We’ll call it a tribute.
AoT: I just want you all agree that this was Tom and Erica’s idea. When we are sued, they are the responsible parties.
JG: Since when do you care about lawsuits?
AoT: Since we seem to get production shut down a few times a year because of them. I like my paycheck to arrive on time every month, thank you.
TW: Back to Apokolips. Zod and Clark are looking at a huge machine, a few hundred feet from the portal they came through. At the top of the machine, a glowing white crystal shines brightly. An army of parademons, stretching back as far as the eye can see, marches, drives and flies into the portal Clark and Zod arrived in.
MR: Hold on, you are skipping the escape?
ED: Pretty much. Oh, and Zod has his backpack and weapons again.
MR: Come on! How can you leave that out?
TW: The same way the writers left out that Lionel could see in season two. Very easily.
JG: That hurts, Tom.
ED: Zod is putting on black battle armor. He points to the machine. “It is based on Kryptonian technology, Kal-El. Darkseid must have stolen it – he could never build something that advanced this on his own. If we destroy the machine –“
TW: “Then we end the invasion.”
JG: When did Clark become so intelligent?
TW: Since I was able to write him.
ED: Zod smiles. “Precisely.” He hands Clark a crystal. “You must get through the portal, whelp. The apes lack any weapon that could damage a functional portal. With this, you can destroy it.”
TW: “Hassad did not need the portal to get to earth. What is to stop Darkseid from sending him back to do this all over again?”
MR: Budget constraints?
KK: Plot induced stupidity?
ED: “The backlash from destroying the Earth-side portal will disable Darkseid's machine. I have a plan that will finish the job. The resulting explosions will wipe that smug grin from Darkseid’s face.” Zod’s smile becomes evil. “Along with his skin, his flesh and his bones.”
TW: “But you will be –“
ED: “Trapped here? Did you honestly think I would want to go back to Earth with you?” Zod laughs. “One of us must stay on here, to ensure the destruction is complete.”
TW: “That is suicide.”
KK: Duh.
ED: “That is doing what is necessary.” Zod breaks into a wide smile. “It will be glorious! I will keep the great oaf’s attention, boy. No matter what happens, no matter the cost, you must get through that portal!” Zod runs off towards the portal machine, and Clark follows him.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part III)
as retold by RepairmanBob
JG: “General Zod was an invaluable tool. An unknowing one, of course, but the best slaves are never aware of the chains that bind them.” Darksied expositions that he manipulated Zod. He made military moves that Zod thought were hostile, which lead Zod to start his Crusade. He knew that Zod, if provoked, would make a preemptive attack to force a war - and that the High Council would punish Zod for such an act. After Zod and his fellow generals were sent to the Phantom Zone, the Kryptonian military was ran by inept politicians. Darkseid easily destroyed the armies of Krypton, and attacked the defenseless planet.
ED: Zod expression goes from anger, to understanding, to horror as Darkseid explains, in a slightly amused tone, his central role in destruction of Krypton.
JG: “”I would never have been able to destroy Krypton without your assistance, General Zod. In your memory, I took your dear wife as a slave. She resisted for years, but even the strongest mind breaks with… sufficient effort. Until the very end, she believed you would come for her.” Darkseid chuckles. “And now you have.”
ED: Camera goes tight on Ursa, then Zod, who has slumped against a wall.
JG: “Based on your own war plans, General Zod, I was… inspired to improve her. It was simple really, once I realized placing radioactive material inside her body would create an effect similar to that of a yellow sun upon a Kryptonian. As a side effect, it also causes her incalculable agony.”
ED: Close in on Zod, who is silently crying.
MR: You made Zod a bitch, Tom! Howe could you?
JG: Tom, I knew you were bitter about Zod making Clark his bitch, but you are going too far.
TW: Have you every heard of set up? Dramatic reversals? Plot twists?
JG: Heard of? Yes. Seen perfomed well on Smallville? No.
ED: Back to Earth. The US military is being forced back by the dog soliders, who continue to march out of the portal. Hassad is laughing and telling the humans to surrender. Lois and Bittleman are with soldiers in a jeep near General Lane’s tent. One of the explosions knocks the jeep over.
TW: Three parademons quickly kill the soldiers. One of them turn on Lois and raise his staff weapon.
JG: You are killing off Lois! I knew it! Allison got you a job on Capricia!
KK: That lying bitch said she was setting up an audition for me!
ED: No one is killing off Lois!
TW: An arrow slams into the chest of the parademon aiming at Lois. It explodes, and knocks all three aliens fly back. Lois turns around, and we get a dramatic shot of Green Arrow, in a parachute, floating down behind them.
KK: You are bringing Ollie back?
ED: Not just Ollie. The rest of the JL, along with the meteor freaks and test subjects from Embedded, parachute out over the battlefield. Cut back to Zinda, flying a high tech jet over the battlefield, dodging the flying dog soldiers Hassad’s ships.
MR: How are you paying for all of this?
ED: Zinda can make some crack the Richard Branston made the jet for Ollie, and show a Virgin Atlantic logo in the cockpit. Parademons land on the wongs and start to rip the plane apart. Zinda ejects seconds before the plane explodes. “What the hell are those things? I have never seen anything move like that. If they can rip apart the Javelin that easily, General Lane’s tin birds are screwed.”
TW: Ollie walks up to Lois. “Just get to a military unit, and back them up. You know the plan. Arrow out.” He looks at Lois and smiles. “What’s it situation, Lane?” We see he has a Bluetooth headset.
JG: Products Placement spot three? Or is it four?
ED: “Things are bad. Talk to the General, and see where you can do the most good.”
TW: Ollie smiles, and walks away. Bittleman looms at Lois. “You really know Green Arrow? Those stories at the Inquisitor were not just crap?”
ED: “Yes I know Green Arrow, and no, my articles were not crap. Well, not entirely.”
TW: “Bo, you do know some interesting people. Now, let’s grab some pictures of the meta-humans. Lex is going to crap his solid gold boxers when we prove that his meta-human terrorists are the good guys!”
ED: Lois picks up a rifle from a dead soldier. “Weapons first. Can you fire a gun?”
TW: “Do I look like I spent years living in the wilderness hunting for my meals?”
ED: Lois picks up clips of bullets and throws them to Bittleman. “Then you’re carrying ammo.” Cut to Ollie making hand signals to the JL, who spread out across the battlefield. Throw in a few scenes of Impulse super speeding, Cyborg punching put a parademon and Aquaman… is there any water near the warehouse?
MR: Not so much.
TW: Damn, he can…
KK: Stand around shirtless?
ED: I like that one.
TW: We can’t think of anything better for Aquaman to do that stand around shirtless?
MR: Not really.
JG: No.
AoT: He could just stand around nude.
TW: Shirtless will work. The JL makes an immediate impact, but a few red shirt heroes get killed. After spinning around the battlefield, go in close to the portal, where Hassad is supervising the construction of fortifications and heavy weapon emplacements. The heavy weapons start to fire, and blow up a few tanks. Parademons continue to arrive from Apokolips and storm the battlefield.
TW: The cell. Clark looks concerned, and tells Zod to get up.
JG: Darkseid starts to chuckle. “General Zod, are you not pleased by my generosity? Perhaps you spirits would be lifted if your entire family were reunited?”
TW: Clark is thrown against a wall. He shakes his head, and looks up at a huge, misshapen humanoid.
ED: Zod looks at the new person, and whispers “Non?”
KK: Ursa stands, and puts her hand on Non’s shoulder. “Good boy.” Non grunts.
ED: Zod falls to his knees.
KK: Poor Zod. From pimp to bitch so quickly.
JG: “Anyone can kill their enemy. To crush their hope, use their dreams against them, to make them long for the release of death… that is the work of a true artist. Moments like this… you must treasure them. Your own actions damned your world, General Zod. You damned your wife and son, with your arrogance, your hubris and your lust for power. I merely provided you with an opportunity to devastate everything you cares about most in creation. You chose to take advantage of it. Goodbye, General Zod.”
ED: Zod says “No, no, no” over and over again.
KK: Wow, Zod really sucks.
ED: It gets better.
MR: Not likely. You ruined him.
TW: He wanted to mate with Lana. Al and Miles already ruined him.
JG: “Usha. Non. Kill Kal-El. Let General Zod see one last Kryptonian die because of his foolish Crusade against me.”
TW: They attack Clark. He calls out to Zod for help, but -
AoT: Zod keeps crying?
JG: (Looks at script) Pretty much.
TW: Back to General Lane’s command tent. The General is issuing commands, telling the troops to fall back.
ED: Cut to Martha, still talking on the iPhone. “Yes, full pardons! Issued immediately!… Transportation will not be an issue, but they will not join the fighting in large numbers until we guarantee legal protection!… Thank you sir!” Martha hangs up, and makes another call. “He agreed! We need you here, now!”
TW: Lionel typing an e-mail on the Gateway computer.
JG: Does Lionel really need to be used for product placement?
TW: Yes.
ED: Aquaman is sitting -
AoT: Shirtless?
ED: Of course. He is sitting in front of four large Sony LCD screens, which show satellite feeds of the battle.
JG: OK, this is starting to get out of hand.
ED: He is basically doing the Watchtower job, since Chloe is dead and we can’t figure out anything else for him to do.
KK: As long as he sits there shirtless and looks pretty, I am happy.
continued...
JG: “General Zod was an invaluable tool. An unknowing one, of course, but the best slaves are never aware of the chains that bind them.” Darksied expositions that he manipulated Zod. He made military moves that Zod thought were hostile, which lead Zod to start his Crusade. He knew that Zod, if provoked, would make a preemptive attack to force a war - and that the High Council would punish Zod for such an act. After Zod and his fellow generals were sent to the Phantom Zone, the Kryptonian military was ran by inept politicians. Darkseid easily destroyed the armies of Krypton, and attacked the defenseless planet.
ED: Zod expression goes from anger, to understanding, to horror as Darkseid explains, in a slightly amused tone, his central role in destruction of Krypton.
JG: “”I would never have been able to destroy Krypton without your assistance, General Zod. In your memory, I took your dear wife as a slave. She resisted for years, but even the strongest mind breaks with… sufficient effort. Until the very end, she believed you would come for her.” Darkseid chuckles. “And now you have.”
ED: Camera goes tight on Ursa, then Zod, who has slumped against a wall.
JG: “Based on your own war plans, General Zod, I was… inspired to improve her. It was simple really, once I realized placing radioactive material inside her body would create an effect similar to that of a yellow sun upon a Kryptonian. As a side effect, it also causes her incalculable agony.”
ED: Close in on Zod, who is silently crying.
MR: You made Zod a bitch, Tom! Howe could you?
JG: Tom, I knew you were bitter about Zod making Clark his bitch, but you are going too far.
TW: Have you every heard of set up? Dramatic reversals? Plot twists?
JG: Heard of? Yes. Seen perfomed well on Smallville? No.
ED: Back to Earth. The US military is being forced back by the dog soliders, who continue to march out of the portal. Hassad is laughing and telling the humans to surrender. Lois and Bittleman are with soldiers in a jeep near General Lane’s tent. One of the explosions knocks the jeep over.
TW: Three parademons quickly kill the soldiers. One of them turn on Lois and raise his staff weapon.
JG: You are killing off Lois! I knew it! Allison got you a job on Capricia!
KK: That lying bitch said she was setting up an audition for me!
ED: No one is killing off Lois!
TW: An arrow slams into the chest of the parademon aiming at Lois. It explodes, and knocks all three aliens fly back. Lois turns around, and we get a dramatic shot of Green Arrow, in a parachute, floating down behind them.
KK: You are bringing Ollie back?
ED: Not just Ollie. The rest of the JL, along with the meteor freaks and test subjects from Embedded, parachute out over the battlefield. Cut back to Zinda, flying a high tech jet over the battlefield, dodging the flying dog soldiers Hassad’s ships.
MR: How are you paying for all of this?
ED: Zinda can make some crack the Richard Branston made the jet for Ollie, and show a Virgin Atlantic logo in the cockpit. Parademons land on the wongs and start to rip the plane apart. Zinda ejects seconds before the plane explodes. “What the hell are those things? I have never seen anything move like that. If they can rip apart the Javelin that easily, General Lane’s tin birds are screwed.”
TW: Ollie walks up to Lois. “Just get to a military unit, and back them up. You know the plan. Arrow out.” He looks at Lois and smiles. “What’s it situation, Lane?” We see he has a Bluetooth headset.
JG: Products Placement spot three? Or is it four?
ED: “Things are bad. Talk to the General, and see where you can do the most good.”
TW: Ollie smiles, and walks away. Bittleman looms at Lois. “You really know Green Arrow? Those stories at the Inquisitor were not just crap?”
ED: “Yes I know Green Arrow, and no, my articles were not crap. Well, not entirely.”
TW: “Bo, you do know some interesting people. Now, let’s grab some pictures of the meta-humans. Lex is going to crap his solid gold boxers when we prove that his meta-human terrorists are the good guys!”
ED: Lois picks up a rifle from a dead soldier. “Weapons first. Can you fire a gun?”
TW: “Do I look like I spent years living in the wilderness hunting for my meals?”
ED: Lois picks up clips of bullets and throws them to Bittleman. “Then you’re carrying ammo.” Cut to Ollie making hand signals to the JL, who spread out across the battlefield. Throw in a few scenes of Impulse super speeding, Cyborg punching put a parademon and Aquaman… is there any water near the warehouse?
MR: Not so much.
TW: Damn, he can…
KK: Stand around shirtless?
ED: I like that one.
TW: We can’t think of anything better for Aquaman to do that stand around shirtless?
MR: Not really.
JG: No.
AoT: He could just stand around nude.
TW: Shirtless will work. The JL makes an immediate impact, but a few red shirt heroes get killed. After spinning around the battlefield, go in close to the portal, where Hassad is supervising the construction of fortifications and heavy weapon emplacements. The heavy weapons start to fire, and blow up a few tanks. Parademons continue to arrive from Apokolips and storm the battlefield.
TW: The cell. Clark looks concerned, and tells Zod to get up.
JG: Darkseid starts to chuckle. “General Zod, are you not pleased by my generosity? Perhaps you spirits would be lifted if your entire family were reunited?”
TW: Clark is thrown against a wall. He shakes his head, and looks up at a huge, misshapen humanoid.
ED: Zod looks at the new person, and whispers “Non?”
KK: Ursa stands, and puts her hand on Non’s shoulder. “Good boy.” Non grunts.
ED: Zod falls to his knees.
KK: Poor Zod. From pimp to bitch so quickly.
JG: “Anyone can kill their enemy. To crush their hope, use their dreams against them, to make them long for the release of death… that is the work of a true artist. Moments like this… you must treasure them. Your own actions damned your world, General Zod. You damned your wife and son, with your arrogance, your hubris and your lust for power. I merely provided you with an opportunity to devastate everything you cares about most in creation. You chose to take advantage of it. Goodbye, General Zod.”
ED: Zod says “No, no, no” over and over again.
KK: Wow, Zod really sucks.
ED: It gets better.
MR: Not likely. You ruined him.
TW: He wanted to mate with Lana. Al and Miles already ruined him.
JG: “Usha. Non. Kill Kal-El. Let General Zod see one last Kryptonian die because of his foolish Crusade against me.”
TW: They attack Clark. He calls out to Zod for help, but -
AoT: Zod keeps crying?
JG: (Looks at script) Pretty much.
TW: Back to General Lane’s command tent. The General is issuing commands, telling the troops to fall back.
ED: Cut to Martha, still talking on the iPhone. “Yes, full pardons! Issued immediately!… Transportation will not be an issue, but they will not join the fighting in large numbers until we guarantee legal protection!… Thank you sir!” Martha hangs up, and makes another call. “He agreed! We need you here, now!”
TW: Lionel typing an e-mail on the Gateway computer.
JG: Does Lionel really need to be used for product placement?
TW: Yes.
ED: Aquaman is sitting -
AoT: Shirtless?
ED: Of course. He is sitting in front of four large Sony LCD screens, which show satellite feeds of the battle.
JG: OK, this is starting to get out of hand.
ED: He is basically doing the Watchtower job, since Chloe is dead and we can’t figure out anything else for him to do.
KK: As long as he sits there shirtless and looks pretty, I am happy.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part II)
as retold by RepairmanBob
TW: Clark wakes up in a large cell with reddish stone walls and a gray metal door. Zod is sitting up against a wall on the opposite side of the room, with his eyes closed. Clark stands up and staggers towards the door.
ED: Zod opens his eyes. “Don’t waste your strength, whelp.”
JG: We really need more people to start calling Clark whelp.
KK: Or dumbass.
MR: Or asshat.
AoT: Or a big dumb alien.
JG: Those also works.
TW: Clark glares at Zod. “So you are just giving up? You may have forgotten about your damn Crusade, but I still have people who need me.” Clark runs towards the door, and green energy rays throw him across the room.
AoT: Tom, you cannot criticize me when Clark is this dumb in your own episode!
JG: That was a pretty dumb move.
ED: When I talked Tom into it, I said it was a necessary plot device. But I guess it does make him look dumb.
TW: You said it was necessary!
ED: It is. But he still looks dumb. “I already tried a brute force approach, boy. We need to conserve our energy and wait for an opportunity to strike.”
TW: “So we just sit around while these aliens invade earth?”
MR: Clark Kent – thoughtless hypocrisy since 2001.
JG: Must be a Kent family tradition.
ED: Zod stands up. “No, you will sit and attempt to learn while I speak. Temporary captivity was one of seventeen possible outcomes I planned for after my initial confrontation with Darkseid. I am more concerned with you, Kal-El.”
TW: Clark stands up. “What are you –“
ED: Zod super speeds over to him and grabs his –
KK+MR+JG+AoT: Throat?
ED: Shirt. “Listen to me! You have seen the armies of Apokolips! You have seen Darkseid, the monstrosity that destroyed our home world! Does my Crusade still seem so evil, whelp? Are my methods so cruel, when you see what I was fighting against?”
TW: “What are you –“
ED: Zod bangs Clark up against the wall.
KK: Hello prison love!
TW: No, he-
JG: Bangs Clark?
MR: Up against a wall?
KK: Hello prison love!
TW: No one is banging Clark up against a wall!
JG: Considering how frustrated Clark is, it might do him some good.
TW: No banging!
AoT: I still think it is unfair that I am being held accountable for Clark getting abused, when you are writing this!
ED: Can I just do the damn line? “Darkseid will destroy Earth and those apes you care so much about! Just as easily as he conquered a thousand other worlds!“
TW: “So you would have enslaved Earth? Used humanity as weapons against your enemy?”
ED: “Better your precious apes die than all of known space bowing before Darkseid!“ Zod releases Clark and backs away. “But your sire made this argument pointless. Krypton is dead, and if you do not want your world to share its fate, Darkseid must be stopped. Can you do that much, Kal-El?”
TW: “Why should I trust you? What do you care about Earth?”
MR: It’s a wacky buddy cop movie!
ED: Zod smiles. “Your pathetic mudball is of no interest to me. I want revenge against the monster that –“
TW: The door of the cell open. Clark and Zod turn and face it together. A woman with dark hair and green eyes walks into the cell. Clark backs away, but Zod’s entire expression changes. For the first time, he looks happy.
KK: I thought he enjoyed making Clark his bitch!
ED: Zod rushes over the woman and hugs her. “Ursa!”
TW: “Zod?”
ED: “My wife! I never thought I would lay my eyes upon you again!”
KK: Black hair? I might have a casting idea…
TW: Ursa looks over Zod’s shoulder with a blank expression. “Zod, how did she survive the destruction of Krypton?”
JG: Did Clark just say something smart?
MR: It is rather shocking.
ED: “Silence, boy! I am reunited with my beloved! That is all that matters!” Zod pulls away from Ursa and looks at her. “My love, it has been an eternity. Trapped in the Phantom Zone, away from you.” Kristin, if you would?
KK: Fine, fine. (Looks at script, smiles.) Oh, this will be fun. Ursa looks back at Zod and she smiles. “All hail mighty Darkseid.”
TW: Clark moves away from Ursa. “Zod, get away from her.”
ED: Zod is still smiling, but he looks confused. “My love?”
KK: Ursa bitch slaps Zod across the room. “All hail mighty Darkseid!”
JG: Kryptonians have some screwed up ideas about foreplay.
TW: Back on earth, in an army tent. General Lane is talking on a phone. “I said send reinforcements!” An explosion shakes the tent. “All of them! Get every solider who can fly a plane, drive a tank or hold a gun here ASAP!” Another explosion. “I don’t give a damn what you have to do! This is a Code Armageddon event!”
ED: Martha and Lionel enters the tent. She says “General Lane –“
TW: “Senator Kent, either get a weapon or get the hell out of here!”
AoT: Martha gets yelled at?
ED: Give me a little credit, Annette. “I heard you asking for reinforcements, General. I may be able to get you some relief, but I need to talk to the President.”
ED: General Lane hands her the phone – close zoom when he hands it to Martha, showing it is an iPhone.
JG: Product placement number one.
ED: “Mr. President? I need you to pardon some people… Yes, they are meta-humans… Mr. President, this is not the time to worry about public opinion! We need help!”
MR: Oh, come on! Martha can give orders to the President?
AoT: Martha in an influential woman.
JG: In bed.
TW: Ugh.
TW: The cell. Ursa is throwing Zod around.
KK: Someone has issues about Clark being Zod’s bitch.
ED: Zod is trying to talk to Ursa, who keeps shouting “All hail might Darkseid!” while she kicks his ass. Clark tries to get between them, and punches her across the room, only to have Zod attack him. John, could you help us out?
JG: It depends on what you expect me to do. (ED points to a line in the script) Oh yes. I like this. Darkseid’s voice rumbles through the cell. “A family reunion. How touching.” Ursa backs away and drops to one knee.
ED: “Darkseid! What have you done to her, you coward?”
JG: “General, I have reunited you with your wife. Does this not please you? After your service to Apokolips, this… small kindness was the least I could do.”
TW: Clark glares at Zod. “You helped them?”
MR: No matter what world he is on, Clark is always quick to judge others.
KK: What an asshole.
continued...
TW: Clark wakes up in a large cell with reddish stone walls and a gray metal door. Zod is sitting up against a wall on the opposite side of the room, with his eyes closed. Clark stands up and staggers towards the door.
ED: Zod opens his eyes. “Don’t waste your strength, whelp.”
JG: We really need more people to start calling Clark whelp.
KK: Or dumbass.
MR: Or asshat.
AoT: Or a big dumb alien.
JG: Those also works.
TW: Clark glares at Zod. “So you are just giving up? You may have forgotten about your damn Crusade, but I still have people who need me.” Clark runs towards the door, and green energy rays throw him across the room.
AoT: Tom, you cannot criticize me when Clark is this dumb in your own episode!
JG: That was a pretty dumb move.
ED: When I talked Tom into it, I said it was a necessary plot device. But I guess it does make him look dumb.
TW: You said it was necessary!
ED: It is. But he still looks dumb. “I already tried a brute force approach, boy. We need to conserve our energy and wait for an opportunity to strike.”
TW: “So we just sit around while these aliens invade earth?”
MR: Clark Kent – thoughtless hypocrisy since 2001.
JG: Must be a Kent family tradition.
ED: Zod stands up. “No, you will sit and attempt to learn while I speak. Temporary captivity was one of seventeen possible outcomes I planned for after my initial confrontation with Darkseid. I am more concerned with you, Kal-El.”
TW: Clark stands up. “What are you –“
ED: Zod super speeds over to him and grabs his –
KK+MR+JG+AoT: Throat?
ED: Shirt. “Listen to me! You have seen the armies of Apokolips! You have seen Darkseid, the monstrosity that destroyed our home world! Does my Crusade still seem so evil, whelp? Are my methods so cruel, when you see what I was fighting against?”
TW: “What are you –“
ED: Zod bangs Clark up against the wall.
KK: Hello prison love!
TW: No, he-
JG: Bangs Clark?
MR: Up against a wall?
KK: Hello prison love!
TW: No one is banging Clark up against a wall!
JG: Considering how frustrated Clark is, it might do him some good.
TW: No banging!
AoT: I still think it is unfair that I am being held accountable for Clark getting abused, when you are writing this!
ED: Can I just do the damn line? “Darkseid will destroy Earth and those apes you care so much about! Just as easily as he conquered a thousand other worlds!“
TW: “So you would have enslaved Earth? Used humanity as weapons against your enemy?”
ED: “Better your precious apes die than all of known space bowing before Darkseid!“ Zod releases Clark and backs away. “But your sire made this argument pointless. Krypton is dead, and if you do not want your world to share its fate, Darkseid must be stopped. Can you do that much, Kal-El?”
TW: “Why should I trust you? What do you care about Earth?”
MR: It’s a wacky buddy cop movie!
ED: Zod smiles. “Your pathetic mudball is of no interest to me. I want revenge against the monster that –“
TW: The door of the cell open. Clark and Zod turn and face it together. A woman with dark hair and green eyes walks into the cell. Clark backs away, but Zod’s entire expression changes. For the first time, he looks happy.
KK: I thought he enjoyed making Clark his bitch!
ED: Zod rushes over the woman and hugs her. “Ursa!”
TW: “Zod?”
ED: “My wife! I never thought I would lay my eyes upon you again!”
KK: Black hair? I might have a casting idea…
TW: Ursa looks over Zod’s shoulder with a blank expression. “Zod, how did she survive the destruction of Krypton?”
JG: Did Clark just say something smart?
MR: It is rather shocking.
ED: “Silence, boy! I am reunited with my beloved! That is all that matters!” Zod pulls away from Ursa and looks at her. “My love, it has been an eternity. Trapped in the Phantom Zone, away from you.” Kristin, if you would?
KK: Fine, fine. (Looks at script, smiles.) Oh, this will be fun. Ursa looks back at Zod and she smiles. “All hail mighty Darkseid.”
TW: Clark moves away from Ursa. “Zod, get away from her.”
ED: Zod is still smiling, but he looks confused. “My love?”
KK: Ursa bitch slaps Zod across the room. “All hail mighty Darkseid!”
JG: Kryptonians have some screwed up ideas about foreplay.
TW: Back on earth, in an army tent. General Lane is talking on a phone. “I said send reinforcements!” An explosion shakes the tent. “All of them! Get every solider who can fly a plane, drive a tank or hold a gun here ASAP!” Another explosion. “I don’t give a damn what you have to do! This is a Code Armageddon event!”
ED: Martha and Lionel enters the tent. She says “General Lane –“
TW: “Senator Kent, either get a weapon or get the hell out of here!”
AoT: Martha gets yelled at?
ED: Give me a little credit, Annette. “I heard you asking for reinforcements, General. I may be able to get you some relief, but I need to talk to the President.”
ED: General Lane hands her the phone – close zoom when he hands it to Martha, showing it is an iPhone.
JG: Product placement number one.
ED: “Mr. President? I need you to pardon some people… Yes, they are meta-humans… Mr. President, this is not the time to worry about public opinion! We need help!”
MR: Oh, come on! Martha can give orders to the President?
AoT: Martha in an influential woman.
JG: In bed.
TW: Ugh.
TW: The cell. Ursa is throwing Zod around.
KK: Someone has issues about Clark being Zod’s bitch.
ED: Zod is trying to talk to Ursa, who keeps shouting “All hail might Darkseid!” while she kicks his ass. Clark tries to get between them, and punches her across the room, only to have Zod attack him. John, could you help us out?
JG: It depends on what you expect me to do. (ED points to a line in the script) Oh yes. I like this. Darkseid’s voice rumbles through the cell. “A family reunion. How touching.” Ursa backs away and drops to one knee.
ED: “Darkseid! What have you done to her, you coward?”
JG: “General, I have reunited you with your wife. Does this not please you? After your service to Apokolips, this… small kindness was the least I could do.”
TW: Clark glares at Zod. “You helped them?”
MR: No matter what world he is on, Clark is always quick to judge others.
KK: What an asshole.
continued...
7.14 Escape by TW and ED (Part I)
as retold by RepairmanBob
As Clark races to return to earth Lionel finds an unlikely ally to help destroy the portal.
(The cast walks in. JG is noticeably absent.)
TW: OK, let’s get started. We have a lot to cover.
AoT: Tom, you look … relaxed.
TW: I found a way to keep Bryan distracted, so I actually got to work on the script this time. (Glares at KK).
KK: I thought the changes to Return improved the script.
MR: Especially shooting Lionel. I liked that change.
KK: That was fun.
AoT: Speaking of which, where is John?
TW: He can catch up. We start with -
ED: Tom, what did you do to Bryan?
TW: I just had to get him out of my hair for a little while, so I -
ED: Drugged him?
AoT: Hit him?
KK: Drugged him then hit him? (Rest of the cast looks at her.) Oh, like you all haven’t thought about it.
MR: You did something to the Suit, didn’t you?
(Two hours ago in BS’s office.)
BS: (Looking the empty case where he keeps the Suit.) Nooooooooooo!
TW: Let’s just say Bryan is not going to be influencing this script.
(Capricia set. AM is practicing a fight scene with her trainer.)
AM: Kick, block, punch, spin - God, why don’t people in the future use tazers?
(A messenger arrives.)
Messenger: Ms. Mack? I have a package from you from a… Mr. Kent?
AM: (Smiles) Ah, yes. I have been waiting for that. I’ll sign.
(Writer’s room.)
AoT: Whatever. I just want to make sure there is plenty of Martha this week. I did not get as much screen time as I would have preferred last week –
ED: Are you kidding?
AoT: I did not have as may scenes as usual in Exit, so I think it is only fair that I have twice as many scenes as usual in Escape.
ED: You wrote Exit!
AoT: Erica, I wrote that script knowing I would be in Australian with the WWE, so I would not be around for filming. I just want to make it clear that I expect –
TW: (Looks annoyed) You have to be shitting me.
AoT: Excuse me?
TW: You and Michael trashed Clark last week. You will be lucky if Martha gets an off screen mention.
AoT: That’s not fair! Erica, how could you let this happen!
ED: Sorry, Annette. Tom gave me a great story.
TW: And she is the only person that has not spent the last two episodes trashing Clark.
AoT: What about Michael? Or John and Kristin?
MR: Thanks for throwing us under the bus, Annette.
KK: Way to take one for the team.
TW: I need Lex to be competent for… well, for something else I am setting up. And what am I supposed to do to Kristin?
KK: I love that Lana is dead.
TW: Anyway, she will eventually turn on the rest of you like a rabid dog.
KK: (Smiles, shrugs shoulders.) It’s true. I will.
AoT: I will not stand for this, Tom! I demand that -
TW: (Talking over AoT) As for John…
(JG stumbles into the writing room. He has one black eye, and his shirt is ripped.)
JG: Who the hell told Singer I stole his damn Suit!
MR: Tom!
KK: Wow.
AoT: I cannot believe you did this!
JG: You sent him after me, Welling? As payback for Return?
TW: (Raises an eyebrow)
JG: (Calms down, sits in a chair.) Nicely played, boy. Nicely played. I thought Allison was the only one of you youngsters who could be that devious.
TW: Do we understand each other, Annette?
AoT: (Glares)
TW: Good. We start with the end of Exit.
KK: With Clark’s head in a wall? (Starts to giggle)
ED: No, with Lois firing a rocket launcher!
JG: I liked Clark’s head being punched through a wall.
KK: Through a wall!
ED: No, Lois! Firing a rocket Launcher!
TW: We do start with Lois.
ED: Hurray! Lois saves the day.
TW: Except that she doesn’t.
ED: Sadly.
TW: The battlefield is quiet. The smoke from the explosion clears. The building is trashed. Whatever Zod did not destroy last week is rubble. In the middle of it all is the portal device, completely undamaged by the rocket.
KK: Lois Lane – finding new ways to fuck up and disappoint fans since 2004.
MR: Unless she is in a bikini. Hey, can we put Lois in a –
TW: No.
ED: Actually… no, even I think Lois in a bikini is dumb in that scene.
MR: Worth a shot.
ED: Lois and Bittleman are in shock. “I just shot a rocket at that thing. There is no way it can be standing.”
TW: A dog solider wearing metal wings flies through the portal. “Lane, what is that?”
ED: The parademon flips around, then starts to move towards the rocket launcher. “We need to move.”
TW: “Did that thing just fly out of the portal? They can fly?”
ED: The dog soldier lifts a large weapon and fires at the rocket launcher. “We need to go!” Lois drags Bittleman away from the rocket launcher seconds before it explodes.
JG: You are blowing up things in the teaser? Exactly how do you plan to pay for this?
TW: Lots of endorsement deals this week. Four wheeled vehicles start to pour out of the portal, firing weapons at the troops. More of the Cujo Corp fly out. Hassad stands next to the portal, and starts to yell. “Abandon all hope, you pathetic cretins! Your lives are forfeit! Accept your place in the new order as slaves of great Apokolips! Your champion has been defeated!”
ED: Cut an overhead view of Clark and Zod. Zod is lying on the ground, Clark’s head and upper body is half buried in the wall.
KK: His head is in a wall! (Uncontrolled laughter)
ED: They are surrounded by dog soldiers, who growl and hiss at them.
TW: Hassad’s voice over continues. “Kal-El has been broken and humbled!” A massive, human-shaped shadow falls over them. “As is the fate of all those who would dare to oppose mighty Darkseid!”
ED: Darkseid’s voice rumbles from off-screen. “Remove them.” The parademons bark, and drag our hero –
KK: And his bitch, Clark.
ED - away. Cue the credits.
AoT: See, Clark even gets his ass kicked in episodes you write, Tom.
continued...
As Clark races to return to earth Lionel finds an unlikely ally to help destroy the portal.
(The cast walks in. JG is noticeably absent.)
TW: OK, let’s get started. We have a lot to cover.
AoT: Tom, you look … relaxed.
TW: I found a way to keep Bryan distracted, so I actually got to work on the script this time. (Glares at KK).
KK: I thought the changes to Return improved the script.
MR: Especially shooting Lionel. I liked that change.
KK: That was fun.
AoT: Speaking of which, where is John?
TW: He can catch up. We start with -
ED: Tom, what did you do to Bryan?
TW: I just had to get him out of my hair for a little while, so I -
ED: Drugged him?
AoT: Hit him?
KK: Drugged him then hit him? (Rest of the cast looks at her.) Oh, like you all haven’t thought about it.
MR: You did something to the Suit, didn’t you?
(Two hours ago in BS’s office.)
BS: (Looking the empty case where he keeps the Suit.) Nooooooooooo!
TW: Let’s just say Bryan is not going to be influencing this script.
(Capricia set. AM is practicing a fight scene with her trainer.)
AM: Kick, block, punch, spin - God, why don’t people in the future use tazers?
(A messenger arrives.)
Messenger: Ms. Mack? I have a package from you from a… Mr. Kent?
AM: (Smiles) Ah, yes. I have been waiting for that. I’ll sign.
(Writer’s room.)
AoT: Whatever. I just want to make sure there is plenty of Martha this week. I did not get as much screen time as I would have preferred last week –
ED: Are you kidding?
AoT: I did not have as may scenes as usual in Exit, so I think it is only fair that I have twice as many scenes as usual in Escape.
ED: You wrote Exit!
AoT: Erica, I wrote that script knowing I would be in Australian with the WWE, so I would not be around for filming. I just want to make it clear that I expect –
TW: (Looks annoyed) You have to be shitting me.
AoT: Excuse me?
TW: You and Michael trashed Clark last week. You will be lucky if Martha gets an off screen mention.
AoT: That’s not fair! Erica, how could you let this happen!
ED: Sorry, Annette. Tom gave me a great story.
TW: And she is the only person that has not spent the last two episodes trashing Clark.
AoT: What about Michael? Or John and Kristin?
MR: Thanks for throwing us under the bus, Annette.
KK: Way to take one for the team.
TW: I need Lex to be competent for… well, for something else I am setting up. And what am I supposed to do to Kristin?
KK: I love that Lana is dead.
TW: Anyway, she will eventually turn on the rest of you like a rabid dog.
KK: (Smiles, shrugs shoulders.) It’s true. I will.
AoT: I will not stand for this, Tom! I demand that -
TW: (Talking over AoT) As for John…
(JG stumbles into the writing room. He has one black eye, and his shirt is ripped.)
JG: Who the hell told Singer I stole his damn Suit!
MR: Tom!
KK: Wow.
AoT: I cannot believe you did this!
JG: You sent him after me, Welling? As payback for Return?
TW: (Raises an eyebrow)
JG: (Calms down, sits in a chair.) Nicely played, boy. Nicely played. I thought Allison was the only one of you youngsters who could be that devious.
TW: Do we understand each other, Annette?
AoT: (Glares)
TW: Good. We start with the end of Exit.
KK: With Clark’s head in a wall? (Starts to giggle)
ED: No, with Lois firing a rocket launcher!
JG: I liked Clark’s head being punched through a wall.
KK: Through a wall!
ED: No, Lois! Firing a rocket Launcher!
TW: We do start with Lois.
ED: Hurray! Lois saves the day.
TW: Except that she doesn’t.
ED: Sadly.
TW: The battlefield is quiet. The smoke from the explosion clears. The building is trashed. Whatever Zod did not destroy last week is rubble. In the middle of it all is the portal device, completely undamaged by the rocket.
KK: Lois Lane – finding new ways to fuck up and disappoint fans since 2004.
MR: Unless she is in a bikini. Hey, can we put Lois in a –
TW: No.
ED: Actually… no, even I think Lois in a bikini is dumb in that scene.
MR: Worth a shot.
ED: Lois and Bittleman are in shock. “I just shot a rocket at that thing. There is no way it can be standing.”
TW: A dog solider wearing metal wings flies through the portal. “Lane, what is that?”
ED: The parademon flips around, then starts to move towards the rocket launcher. “We need to move.”
TW: “Did that thing just fly out of the portal? They can fly?”
ED: The dog soldier lifts a large weapon and fires at the rocket launcher. “We need to go!” Lois drags Bittleman away from the rocket launcher seconds before it explodes.
JG: You are blowing up things in the teaser? Exactly how do you plan to pay for this?
TW: Lots of endorsement deals this week. Four wheeled vehicles start to pour out of the portal, firing weapons at the troops. More of the Cujo Corp fly out. Hassad stands next to the portal, and starts to yell. “Abandon all hope, you pathetic cretins! Your lives are forfeit! Accept your place in the new order as slaves of great Apokolips! Your champion has been defeated!”
ED: Cut an overhead view of Clark and Zod. Zod is lying on the ground, Clark’s head and upper body is half buried in the wall.
KK: His head is in a wall! (Uncontrolled laughter)
ED: They are surrounded by dog soldiers, who growl and hiss at them.
TW: Hassad’s voice over continues. “Kal-El has been broken and humbled!” A massive, human-shaped shadow falls over them. “As is the fate of all those who would dare to oppose mighty Darkseid!”
ED: Darkseid’s voice rumbles from off-screen. “Remove them.” The parademons bark, and drag our hero –
KK: And his bitch, Clark.
ED - away. Cue the credits.
AoT: See, Clark even gets his ass kicked in episodes you write, Tom.
continued...
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