AM's promo shoot

as retold by jwm

[AM stands in a wire harness in front of a green screen as a SFX tech talks her through the scene. KK, MR, & ED stand to the side watching]
Tech: OK, so you break the forth wall and say your line then when the wires lift you up you're going to spin around three times and stop. On the third spin extend you right arm out.
AM: And they'll composite an energy bolt from by hand out towards the camera.
Tech: Exactly.
AM: And Robert Palmer's "Bad Case of Loving You" will be playing in the background?
Tech: Of course. We'll dub it in later.
ED: Oh, I love that song! [Singing] Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you...
MR: Are you sure you don't want to set your promo to "Superfreak"?
AM: Shut up Michael!
ED: No pill's gonna cure my ill...
Tech: OK, quiet on the set!
ED: A pretty face don't make no pretty heart...
Tech: That's goes for you too, Roberta.
ED: You know, why don't you let me do the singing?
AM: No.
ED: I could do it A Capella while you shoot!
AM: No!
ED: Killjoy.
Tech: Can we shoot now?
ED: Whatever.
Tech: Annnnnd action!
[TW storms in holding a script up in the air.]
TW: What the hell is this!?!?
Tech: Cut!
ED: Allison's Chloe promo. God, I wish could fly! [Starts humming Bad Case of Loving You]
Tech: Is there a problem, Mr. Welling?
[TW points in the script]
TW: Yes there's a problem! "Chloe Sullivan: The "cure" common television"?!
AM: It's a word play on Chloe's ability to cure meteor freaks.
MR: I told her "Get your freak on with Smallville's Chloe Sullivan Thursdays at eight" is a much better tag line!
AM: Shut up, Micheal.
TW: Michael has a point. It's supposed to be a Smallville promo not a Chloe Sullivan promo.
KK: Relax Tom, it goes on to say watch Chloe Sullivan in Smallville, Thursdays on the CW.
TW: I don't think so. I'm changing it to to "Smallville: The cure for common television."
AM: You can't do that!
TW: Dawn put me in charge.
AM: But that totally ruins the word play.
KK: That and it's stupid.
MR: It was stupid to begin with.
AM: Like you could do any better.
KK: I'll talk to Dawn.
TW: Don't you dare go around me, Kristin.
KK: Why? What are you going to do? Kill Lana?
[Awkward silence]
ED: Uh.. Tom, you should have seen Alli practice flying! It was amazing! [singing] She soared through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young girl on the... uh...
KK: Wire harness?
ED: Doesn't rhyme though.
TW: And that's another thing! If anyone is going to be demonstrating powers in these promos it should be Clark!
KK: You're the one who wanted everyone to write their own.
TW: Only because Dawn is breathing down my neck to get our ratings back up.
ED: Shouldn't that be the producer's job?
[TW glares at ED]
ED: Forget I said anything.
AM: Nobody is stopping you from having powers in your promo.
TW: I had something else planned.
AM: Well that's not my fault is it!?!?
ED: You think I could fly in my promo?
KK: can't fly.
ED: Maybe not on the show. But why not in the promo?
Tech: You know, we're on the clock here, people?
AM: Tom, you and I can sort this out later. Besides, the pompous voice guy isn't going to record until everyone's script is done anyway.
[AM gives ED a significant look]
ED: I've yet to be inspired! Give me a break!
Tech: Are we done here?
AM: We're ready.
Tech: Thank goodness. Quiet on the set! Annnnd action!
[AM looks into the camera]
AM: I'm Chloe Sullivan and the rumors you're heard are true.
MR: She's superfreaky!
AM: Dammit, Michael!
Tech: Cut! [to security] Get him out of here, I don't care if he's part of the cast!
[As security hauls MR away]
MR: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'm Lex Luthor dammit!
[ED notices AM squirming a bit]
ED: How's the harness feel?
AM: It pinches a little.
ED: A little?
AM: A lot. Can we get this over with, please?!?
TW: You know, you don't have to fly.
AM: I've already been in the harness for over an hour. I can handle a couple more minutes.
ED: How bad does it pinch?
AM: Bad.
ED: Where?
AM: You don't want to know.
ED: [Grimacing] Maybe flying is over rated.
Tech: Quiet! Annnnnd action!
AM: I'm Chloe Sullivan and the rumors you're heard are true.
[AM spins around as she's pulled up by the wires. She reaches her hand out and smiles as she stops spinning.]
AM: Blonds do have more...
BS: Sacrilege!
[BS and his loyal minions have come out onto the set]
Tech: Dammit! Who let him in here!?!?
BS: Everyone knows the true Chloe Sullivan is not a blond!!!
AM: Oh my God, not this again.
BS: The vile impostor must die!
Tech: Security!
BS: Your feeble security is busy with the man who falsely claims the mantle of Lex Luthor.
TW: Bryan.. did you shave your head?
BS: That's Mr. Luthor to you, my arch nemesis!
KK: I think someone forgot his meds.
ED: Or hit his head really hard.
[BS points at ED]
BS: The true Chloe Sullivan can only realize her destiny once this pretender is gone forever!
ED: I'm not...
BS: Silence!
ED: Chloe...
BS: I said silence!!!!
[BS motions his minions, they take hold of ED]
ED: What the hell are you doing!?!?!
BS: I now realize you will never accept your true destiny until this [gestures at AM] vile abomination of Donner's grand vision is dealt with once and for all!
AM: Did you just call me vile?
KK: Not to mention an abomination.
AM: Not helping, Kristin.
TW: Everyone just calm down for a second!
BS: And you! You call yourself Superman! But look at you! Without the true Chloe Sullivan by your side you will never be the man you must become.
Tech: Get out of here, you crank! We need to finish this promo.
[BS punches out the Tech then rushes to the wire pulley.]
BS: Any last words, "Noe"?
KK: Noe?
Minion #1: It means "No Chloe".
KK: Oh.
Minion #2: Because is the true...
KK: I got that much, thank you. [pauses] He's insane, you know that don't you?
Minion #1: Yes. We would quit if we thought he wouldn't track us down and kill us.
BS: Quiet, Otis.
[BS pulls out a knife and holds it up to the wires]
AM: Oh my God, don't cut...
[BS cuts the wires and AM starts to fall.]
AM: Help!
[TW rushes in and catches her just as security come back]
Security Guard #1: Hey, what are you doing here?!!?
BS: [Waving his fist] Blast! Foiled again by the man of steel! Let us go minions!
Minion #2: Should we take the girl?
BS: Leave her. Chloe's destiny is too important to jeopardize.
ED: For the last time I'm not Chloe, dammit!
BS: [As he exits] You have always been Chloe. You just don't realize it yet!
ED: And you're a total fruitcake!
AM: Thanks for the save.
TW: You're welcome. See? Shouldn't Clark be the one doing the heroics?
AM: Maybe you're right.
KK: You know, Erica, I think you might have an idea here for ' promo.
ED: What? Falling into big, blank, and stupid's arms?
TW: [Putting AM back down] Hey!
ED: No offense but that doesn't exactly convey the sexiness that is Lane.
KK: I liked it. I want it to be my promo.
TW: You don't have to do one, Kristin.
KK: I want to.
ED: Lana is dead.
KK: I'll use Allison.
AM: [Pulling off the harness] I'm not getting in this again.
TW: You wonder why I don't like doing special effects.
[KK looks at ED]
ED: Don't look at me.
[KK Checks out the camera]
KK: It was still filming!
[As KK removes the tape AM and TW exchange worried looks.]

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