Producer Wars, Part II: The rise of Lex Singer

as retold by Ratman

[CL1 and CL2 walking down a basement corridor in the CW lot.]

CL1: Singer signed over complete creative control to the cast?
CL2: Exactly, and apparently he's quite depressed over the whole thing. All we have to do is get him to resign and void his contract, and then we can hire the replacement guy.
CL1: Sounds easy enough. [Coming to a door] They said he would be in here...

[CL1 and CL2 open the door, and find Bryan Singer lying on the floor, bruised, bloodied and battered, surrounded by Twinkie wrappers.]

CL1: Oh my word.
CL2: Holy fuck.
BS: [sobbing] It's all over! They destroyed it all!
CL1: [helping BS to his feet] There, there, sir, it'll be okay. Did they hurt you, sir? Let's get you out of here.
BS: I don't care any more. They can do what they want to my body, it doesn't matter. I'm so weak, they filled my pockets with Kryptonite.
CL1: [reaching into BS's pocket, finding a sealed plastic cup] Lime Jello?
[CL1 and CL2 help BS out of the room and down the hallway.]
BS: My vision, it's been destroyed. Did you know I made a Superman movie? Now Superman will never know his son.
CL2: You know, Mr. Singer, you can leave all of this behind now, you just need to void your contract with -
BS: [sobbing loudly, burying his head in CL1's shoulder] There's no hope. The world doesn't need Bryan Singer!
CL2: Mr. Singer, Otis and I here can help you -
BS: [suddenly lifting his head] Wait - your name is Otis?
CL1: Yes, sir.
BS: That must mean that you're Miss Teschmacher!
CL2: Actually, my name is -
BS: [standing straight] And that must mean that I'm Lex Luthor!
CL2: Um....
[CL1 and CL2 look at each other in confusion.]
BS: It all makes sense now! I hate Tom Welling! And Tom Welling is Superman! Which means I must hate Superman! Which means I'm Lex Luthor!
CL1: Sir, I'm not sure -
BS: Of course! I filmed my movie in Australia! Which must mean I'm ruler of Australia! Because I'm Lex Luthor! I'm the greatest criminal mind of our time!
CL2: So, about that contract -
BS: [angry] Tom must think he's some kind of god - well, gods are selfish beings who refuse to fly around in little red capes and share their presence with mankind!
CL2: [whispering to CL1] What the hell is he talking about?
[CL1 shrugs.]
BS: [racing down the hallway, CL1 and CL2 following behind] Come now! It's time to plan revenge. REVENGE! Now we're cooking!

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