...With Feeling.

as retold by RepairmanBob

MR: You are all going to love me! This is the best idea ever!
KK: You hired bounty hunters to capture Bryan?
JG: No! It’s dogs so we can hunt the little bastard down ourselves!
AoT: Wonderful!
ED: You got me a spread in Playboy!
(TW+KK+AoT+AM+MR looks at ED in shock)
ED: What? Michael said it was the best idea ever!
AM: You make me ashamed to be a blond.
MR: When you see this, you will forget all about Bryan! Let me introduce you all to out new showrunner –
TW: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
MR: Joss Whedon!
(MR holds open the door, and Joss Whedon (JW) enters, to the theme song of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, blaring from MR’s iPod. JW is dressed all in black, including a stylish beret and dark sunglasses. He walks to the head of the table, and waits for MR to run over and pull out his chair. JW sits down, and looks at a point four feet above the head of the cast.)
TW: (Pulling MR aside) What the hell are you doing?
MR: Relax! This will be great!
TW: We don’t need a show-runner! We need to get rid of Bryan and get back to work!
MR: Trust me, Tom. Joss is a genius.
KK: (Stands, walks to JW) Mr. Whedon, I have always been a huge fan of your work. I am so excited about working with you. This is such an honor. (Extends her hand to JW)
JW: (Continues looking at a point four feet above the cast)
KK: Mr. Whedon?
AoT: Michael, you didn’t happen to feed your friend any brownies, did you?
KK: (Glares at AM) Damnit, Allison, if you ruin this for me –
AM: It’s not my fault! I haven’t tried to drug Michael since... well, not today.
JW: (Pulls put a Blackberry, types a message)
MR: (Phone rings, takes it out) What? Oh, yes. (Reads) “Mr. Whedon will not be touched by the talent.”
ED: Excuse me?
KK: (Sits down, looks like someone kicked her puppy)
AoT: My goodness!
AM: What the hell!
KK: (Looks like she is about to cry) I’m not talent! I don’t even act on this goddamn show anymore!
TW: Michael?
JW: (Types a message)
MR: (Phone rings) Another text? “Mr. Whedon does not talk directly to the talent.” Well, the man is a genius, so I guess that makes sense.
JG: I appreciate arrogance as much as the next Magnificent Bastard, but that was simply uncalled for.
MR: “Mr. Whedon is a brilliant creative mind, and he will bring an intellectual renaissance to your dreadful little show. Here are some of the changes the talent will make.”
AM: I am starting to miss Al.
KK: Bite your tongue!
MR: “All of the male characters are now gay. Exploring the psychosexual dimensions of the conflict between Clark Kent and Lex Luthor will become a major theme of the show. The talent will investigate how the physical and verbal conflicts between the men represent their suppressed sexual longing for one another.” What?
TW: (Looks at MR) I want to punch you in the face so hard right now.
ED: You’ve got it!
JG: Do you know how long it has been since I have been able to play a homosexual character on television? This is wonderful!
AoT: John, how is Lionel going to be with Martha if he is gay?
JG: (Frowns) You have a point. (To JW) Lionel and Martha need to be bisexual.
AoT: I can work with that.
TW: (Puts hands over ears) Not listening!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided Chloe will not be gay.”
AM: Actually, after my work on Capricia, it is not that big a deal to –
MR: “She is clearly into rough sex and bondage, based on her desire to be submissive to the needs of everyone around her. The talent will explore her need to be dominated and degraded in order to feel loved.”
AM: (Jaw drops)
MR: “The talent known as Allison Mack will also play the role of 17 different ChloeBots, each having a different sexually deviant behavior.”
AM: (Jaw still dropped)
KK: Maybe he is not so bad after all.
ED: What about me? I was TV Guide’s –
MR: “Mr. Whedon was nearly impressed with the talent known as Erica Durance’s singing in Noir.”
ED: Thank you!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided that the talent will explore this aspect of the character.”
AM: But I can sing! I choreographed Rent!
JG: Shut up, bitch.
AM: Excuse me?
JG: Just practicing for when we explore Chloe’s submissive side.
AM: (Mutters about revenge and switching shampoo with Nair)
MR: “ Lane will learn she is actually a demon from the hell dimension known as Pylea.”
AM + KK: (laughing)
ED: Hurray! I get to sing!
AM: Covered in green body paint and scales.
ED: Body paint? I’ll break out in hives! How am I going to be Maxim’s Sexiest Lane if I am covered in hives?
MR: “Mr. Whedon also has a major plan for Lana Lang.”
KK: (Stops laughing) What now?
MR: “Mr. Whendon was intrigued surprised by the idea of mutant vampires. He would have handled the concept better, of course. Lana will return as a vampire in the season eight premiere.”
AM+ED+TW: (Laughing)
KK: (Frantic) I cut Lana’s head off! She can’t come back from that! It breaks the rules!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decreed that a mutant vampire would survive the injury.”
KK: No no no! I am not putting on fangs and pleather again!
ED: I’ll swap pleather for green body paint!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided the roles of the parental figures will need to be reduced, to show the growth and maturity of the other characters.”
AoT: Works for me.
JG: I would be happy with a three day work week, if that is possible.
MR: “There talent known an Annette O’Toole and John Glover will have their salaries reduced to reflect this change.”
AoT + JG: (Shocked expressions)
MR: “The money will go towards hiring a talent to play Clark’s long lost cousin, Kara. This will allow Clark to take on a more paternal role, which Mr. Whedon feels the audience has been seeking.”
JG: My pay is being cut so we can get Cousin Oliver?
MR: A hot young female Cousin Oliver!
TW: Michael, do I even want to ask what you were thinking?
MR: Seventeen ChloeBots, Tom! Seventeen ChloeBots!
AoT: (Slowly stands up) Mr. Whedon, please allow me to say how much pleasure I am going to take in kicking your –
(The door of the writing room bursts open, and Brad Kern runs in.)
BK: Cheap boobs shots and cooter tats / to hell send this demon back!
(BK throws a vial of liquid at JW, who ducks, leaving AoT to get a face full of what smells like motor oil and rotten eggs.)
AoT: (Slowly wipes the mix from her face.)
JG: Oh my.
AoT: (Leaps over writing table at BK) I am not amused!
(The lights go out)

(Outside the trailer BS, CL1 and CL2 listen to sounds of fighting. AoT shouting and MR begging for mercy are clearly heard.)
BS: My enemies are fighting among themselves, too distracted to see the real threat. Me. Just as I planned, Otis.
CL1: What are you talking about? We just came back from dinner at Taco Bell.
BS: (Oblivious to CL1) Just as I planned it.

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