Counterstrike?

as retold by jwm

[The cast gather in the break room to plan their response.]
AM: This is all your fault, Welling!
TW: My fault? How the...?
AM: It all started with your stupid little April Fool's joke!
TW: That was Kristin's idea!
AM: But...
KK: Actually it was my idea.
AM: And you let me...?
KK: It was fun, wasn't it?
AM: This is all Kristin's fault!
KK: Pardon me but I wasn't the genius who decided to feed Bryan Ritalin!
AM: The only way to play Tom was to keep Bryan coherent. Otherwise who knows what he would have done!
TW: He would have still been picking up change.
ED: How could you Allison! I finally had my mojo back! I was voted TV Guide's sexiest sci-fi gal and made FHM's top 20! [Holds up a mu-mu] And now this!
AM: You think I'm happy about my tequila and pork rind stash being secretly replaced with spiced rum and cheese doodles?
ED: I like spiced rum!
MR: I like cheese doodles!
AM: Heathens.
AoT: This kind of infighting is exactly what he wants. We need to stick together!
KK: Are you sure he didn't just want to punish us?
AoT: Well, maybe?
TW: It's working. Those mannequins completely freaked me out! It was like their eyes were following me.
KK: Actually they were. There were little surveillance cameras in them.
TW: OK. Now I'm really freaked out.
KK: You should try having a poster of Al & Miles in your trailer watching you. Naked.
AM: They saw you naked?
KK: No. Al and Miles were naked.
AM: In your trailer?
ED: Ew.
KK: Let's drop it, OK?
JG: If Bryan is monitoring us we could use it to our advantage.
AM: An excellent idea!
JG: Of course! It was mine.
KK: Already taken care of.
TW: What do you mean?
KK: Well Michael and I...
JG: Oh, bloody hell!
MR: What?
JG: Erica wasn't involved too was she?
ED: Excuse me!?!?
MR: Well we did wave pictures of her FHM spread in front of the camera.
ED: Thank you!
MR: But she didn't participate herself.
JG: Thank god for small favors.
KK: We also burned all the super suits in effigy.
AM: Don't you think that might, I' don't know, just make him madder?!?!
MR: Then I threw his collection of Superman DVD's into the bonfire!
TW: You know, I have a feeling that wasn't exactly what John had in mind when he said we could use the cameras to our advantage.
JG: No. But I think I might actually like this better!
KK: Finally I read several reviews about how Kate Bosworth was the worst Lane ever.
ED: Did you know I beat her by a mile on the FHM list!
AoT: Are you sure that was a good idea, Kristin?
ED: Proving I am the sexiest Lane ever! [Jumps up and down and claps]
AM: Whatever.
ED: AskMen.com doesn't know it's ass from a hole in the ground!
KK: Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.
ED: I am not.
KK: OK. You're embarrassing me.
ED: Just because you couldn't crack the top forty...
KK: Erica...
ED: "Gigantic ass", my ass! I showed Bryan!
KK: I said stop it. Besides, your ass is gigantic compared to Bosworth's.
MR: Anybody's ass is gigantic compared to Bosworth's.
AM: He's right. Even Micheal's.
MR: "Even Michael's"?!?!?! What's that supposed to mean?!?!
AM: What do you think it means?
MR: I have a great ass!
AM: That's not what it means.
MR: I'll show you!
TW: Please tell me you're not going to do your Ace Ventura impression.
MR: What? I thought you loved it?
TW: Not so much.
MR: How about this? [Starts dancing as he sings Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby got back"] I like big butts and I will not lie
TW: Somebody please stop him.
JG: No. [Intrigued] This could be good stuff to torture Bryan with.
MR: You other brothers can't deny
JG: [To KK] Is Bryan getting this? Is he seeing this right now?
MR: That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
KK: No.
JG: Oh.
MR: And a round thing in your face
JG: In that case stop your disgusting display this instant, Rosenbaum!
AoT: Don't you think Bryan is going to retaliate?
AM: I say bring it on! What could be worse than being reduced to drinking spiced rum and eating cheese doodles?
ED: Is it captain Morgan's? 'Cuz I love me some Captain Morgan's.
MR: And are the doodles crunchy or puffed?
AM: Hell if I know.
MR & ED: Can we check?
[AM hands ED her trailer key. MR and ED run off.]
TW: You think he drugged the rum?
AM: I wouldn't know. I can't drink that stuff!
KK: And the cheese doodles?
AM: Maybe. But I think most of the bags were still sealed.
KK: That's too bad.

Next