I don't want to put on the blue tights!

as retold by jwm

[Bryan Singer (BS) sits across from AM, KK, AoT, MR, & ED in the writer's room. A newsprint pad sits behind BS with the words "Concessions to get Clark in the super suit" written on it.]
AM: So do you get it now?
BS: I think I do! It's like Folger's Crystals!
ED: It is?
BS: Absolutely! [Imitates Folger's commercial] We are here at Smallville, where we've secretly replaced the fine female reporter and love interest they usually have with Chloe Sullivan! Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!"
AM: No. Not exactly.
ED: Oh, I get it! So Chloe Sullivan is like instant coffee while is the slow brewed variety! That's perfect!
AM: No, it's not!
MR: Erica, all that means is that slow brewed isn't any better than the instant Chloe dreck.
ED: Come on, Michael, you think they actually interview anyone who knows a damn about coffee in those commercials?
AM: That's not how it is anyway!
ED: The only people they show on those commercials are the ones too stupid the know the difference.
MR: More like they couldn't tell the difference because the coffee sucked to begin with.
JG: And considering how bad our show is a pretty good analogy. Kudos, Bryan.
AM: It is not!
[TW walks in]
TW: Hey, what's this big legal thing...?
[TW stops when he sees BS]
TW: What the hell?
BS: Ah, the man of the hour!
AM: [Devious smile] Come on in, Tom.
[TW spots the newsprint pad]
TW: Oh, hell no!
[BS starts singing to the tune of "Roxanne" by the Police]
BS: To-om!
TW: [To the cast] What the hell have you done?
BS: You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: Like hell! No flights. No tights! It's in my contract!
BS: Those days are over. You're gonna wear that cape tonight!
TW: [To AM] Are you behind this?

BS: To-om! You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: Not for love or money. Can't you see? This isn't right!
BS: To-om! You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: The hell I will!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint to reveal next sheet. "Chloe: Back to working at the Planet."]
AM: You have to put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lana: Stays dead."]
KK: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. ": Not pregnant."]
ED: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Martha: Lots and lots of more screen time."]
AoT: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lionel: Dies."]
JG: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lex: Grows hair."]
MR: Put on the blue tights!
TW: Et tu, Michael?
MR: It's the hair, Tom! The Hair!

BS: [Walks over and puts his arm around TW] I loved you since I knew you. I wouldn't talk down to you. I have to tell you just how I feel.
[TW pulls out a pocketful of change and throws it across the room. AM smirks as she hold an empty bottle of Ritalin.]
BS: You can't derail me with that simple ploy. I know my mind is made up. So pick all your change up. Told you once I won't tell you again. We do it my way.

TW: Bry-an! I don't want to put on the blue tights!

[The cast circles around TW]
Cast: Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights!
[TW runs out of the writers room screaming]
TW: Noooooooooooooo!

BS: Wow. He didn't take that too well. And you all said he'd be totally down with it.
ED: He seems pretty down to me.
BS: Well. Why don't we get started sketching out the rest of the season!
AM: Yeah, about that, we've got security coming to escort you out of the building.
BS: What? But what about everything we agreed on for all your characters?
AoT: We were going to do all that anyway.
JG: Yes!
MR: Except for the Lionel one.
JG: Dammit!
KK: And probably the Chloe one.
AM: Dammit!
MR: So Lex gets to grow hair after all?!?!
KK: No. We're not doing that one either.
MR: Dammit!
[Security arrives]
Officer: Yes, 'mam?
AM: On second thought...
MR: Yeah, I'm with Allison.
KK: Oh, no! Don't even think about it!
AM: But Chloe has to get back to the Planet!
JG: Lionel would be dead...
KK: Yes, but you'd have to put up with Bryan the rest of the season.
BS: I'm not that bad, am I? We're buddies, right?
JG: Escort the gentleman out of the building.
[They begin dragging BS away]
BS: No! This isn't fair! You can't do this! I made my own Superman movie!!!!!!
ED: So, when are we going to tell Tom?
AM: Chloe has to get back to the Planet!
KK: Try it and you're dead.
ED: Are you going to let Tom off the hook? You're the one who asked us to do all this in the first place.
AM: Alright, I'm texting him right now. [AM's phone shows "April Fool's doesn't seem so funny anymore, does it?" She hits send. A few seconds later TW can be heard yelling from down the hall.]
MR: You did make it clear it was just a joke, right?

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