[A resort patio in Cancun. A laptop sitting on a table chimes.]
MM: Hey, Al? We got mail.
AG [to a woman in a swimsuit]: Yeah, really. Zod? All my idea.
MM: Al?
AG: So what do you say? Dinner tonight, my room?
Woman [laughs]: You're not really the producer of Smallville.
AG: Of course I am! Well, okay, I was--but I still consult on the show from time to time. They really value my input.
Woman: Come on...but that's a good line, though.
AG: It's only a line if I didn't mean it.
MM [taps keys on the laptop's keyboard]: Okay, fine, I'll check the mail... [mouth drops open] Holy...
[Faint voices from laptop]
Woman: Okay, prove it.
MM: Al?
AG: I can probably get you a walk-on role on the show.
Woman [laughs]: No, you can't!
MM: Al!
AG: Excuse me for just a moment. [to MM] What?
MM [points at laptop]: Check it out!
AG [angry]: What? What's so important that... [reads] Uh...huh...
To: Al Gough, Miles Millar
From: "a freind"
You may find this interesting. Enjoy.
AG: You interrupted me for porn spam?
MM: No, no, it's not porn spam! Look at the video attachment!
AG [to woman]: Hold on just one moment, please. [to MM] Can this wait?
MM: No! [restarts video and turns up the volume on the laptop]
[Shaky-cam footage of the outside of TW's trailer, apparently shot from behind a tree. TW is staring at the flaming S on the side of it.]
TW: What the...who did this? Who the hell did this?!? I need a fire extinguisher! [runs into trailer]
[There is a loud thumping noise off-camera. A flaming Wii suddenly lands on the ground in front of the trailer.]
MR [off-camera, screaming]: Noooooooo!
TW [comes back outside with a fire extinguisher]: Someone is going to pa-- [notices the Wii] What the hell?
MR [appears from camera-right]: My Guitar Hero III disc was in there, godda-- [notices the mannequins] What the hell?
TW [sprays the Wii with the extinguisher, then starts spraying the side of the trailer]: I swear, somebody is going to pay for this!
MR: You said it. Nobody touches my Wii!
AoT [off-camera, shouting]: You bastards!
MR: ...what?
[AoT runs in from camera-left and grabs MR by the throat]
AoT [furiously]: Michael, I am going to kill you!
TW: Annette, wait--
AoT: And you're next!
MR [gasping]: Wha...wha'I duh?
AoT: You know exactly what you did, you... [notices the mannequins] little...what in the world?
TW [finishes using the extinguisher]: Someone decided to touch up my trailer. [pauses] Wait. Annette, why are you trying to kill Michael today?
MR [faintly]: Yuh, whah?
AoT: Someone mutilated my guitar! I want blood!
TW: Okay, hold on. Everybody knows your guitar is sacred, right?
AoT [pauses]: Well...yeah...
TW [points at the smoking Wii]: I'm thinking you didn't do that...
AoT: What? I wasn't even near his trailer!
TW: Okay, so who would mess with your guitar...destroy Michael's toy...and do [points at trailer] that?
[AoT lets go of MR]
MR [wheezes]: Glover! This must be his handiwork!
[AM drags a semi-conscious KK in from camera-left]
AM: Okay, which one of you guys put that freaky-ass thing in Kristin's trailer?
MR: Whoa. What happened to her?
AM: I found her passed out on the stairs of her trailer...and then I saw [shivers] that.
TW: Saw what?
AM: You know! I know one of you put it in her trailer!
TW: Put what in her trailer? [walks off-camera]
AM [notices the mannequins]: That's really disturbing.
MR [points at the Wii]: That's more disturbing!
AM [puzzled]: The fuck?
AoT: Okay, what the hell is going on here? Someone screwed with my guitar...
MR: My Wii exploded, dammit!
AM: Someone screwed with my tequila supply!
[KK moans faintly]
AoT: What's wrong with Kristin?
TW [off-camera, alarmed]: OH MY GOD!
MR: Huh?
AM: Kristin's trailer.
[MR walks off-camera]
AoT: Something's wrong. You all know not to mess with my guitar.
AM: You're kidding, right? Ever since you punched out Jen--
AoT: So who would do that... [points at the Wii] and that... [points at TW's trailer] and--
MR [off-camera]: JESUS CHRIST!
AoT: --that?
AM/AoT [after a few seconds]: Glover.
JG [walks in from camera-left with a towel on his head]: I am now going to kill each and every one of y-- [notices the mannequins] ...uh.
AM: Just guessing...something of yours was screwed with?
JG: How could you tell?
AM: Get in line.
JG [points at KK]: What's wrong with her?
[MR and TW walk back on-camera]
TW: We...have just had a glimpse into Kristin's world.
MR: It's scary as hell.
[KK moans again]
ED [off-camera, yelling]: I need pants!
AM [looks off-camera]: What?
ED: All my clothes were replaced with pregnancy clothes! I need some pants that fit! Thanks, smartasses!
AM: Just use a big belt and tighten it!
ED: Are you insane? There's no way I'll end up wearing Hammer pants!
AoT [loudly]: Then wear a bikini or something!
ED [after a few seconds]: Okay!
TW: Wait a minute. Someone messed with Erica too...
JG: So, what, something was done to each of us?
MR [sniffs]: My Wii...Tom's trailer...and those things. Annette's guitar--
JG: Ever since she punched out--
AoT: We know.
MR: There's that...thing...in Kristin's trailer. And apparently all of Erica's clothes are gone.
JG: What thing? [walks off-camera]
AM: And on top of that: someone switched my tequila with rum. Rum!
TW [pacing back and forth]: Someone messed with all of us? Who would be that insane?
JG [walks back on-camera]: That...was unpleasant.
MR: You would say that.
[TW walks over to one of the mannequins and fingers the Superman suit it is wearing]
TW: Oh, God. I recognize this suit. This is...oh, no.
ED [loudly]: Where the hell are my bikinis?!?
AM: What?
TW: It's the suit I snatched out of Bryan's office and shipped to you, Allison.
ED: I can't find my bikinis! Dammit, I'm going to have to go with the Hammer pants!
AM: Could have sworn I got rid of that. But that means...
MR: Bryan did this? All of this? [pauses] Even to me?
JG: I never thought he had it in him.
ED: What?
TW [loudly]: Erica, we think Bryan Singer did this!
ED: I'm going to kill him!
AoT: I knew I should have tasered him in the groin!
[camera abruptly tilts to the left, and video ends]
AG [awestruck]: Whoa.
Woman: What is it?
MM: I don't believe it either!
AG: Play it again.
Woman: Hey...if you're seriously a consultant, can you put in a--
AG [to Woman]: Shhh! [to MM] Play it again!
MM [restarts video]: I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning!
Woman: But I--
AG: Shhh! [points at screen] God, I wish I'd thought of the mannequin thing!
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