Once More...

as retold by RepairmanBob

(The cast, minus MR, sit around the table in the writer’s room.)
TW: (Under his breath) Damn it Michael, you said you would back me up on this. (To the group) Thanks for coming. I know that last few weeks have been a little tough, since Bryan and the new person –
AoT: A little tough? The security guards have been attacked! They refuse to set foot on our lot!
JG: None of the computers are working!
ED: Craft services won’t bring us food!
AM: Some moron in a bathrobe threw paint at my trailer!
KK: I need my hair care products, Tom! I am not Allison! I care about how I look!
AM: Hey!
KK: Why haven’t you taken care of this?
ED+AM+JG+AoT: Yeah!
TW: (Looks shocked) Me? How is this my fault?
KK: You always fix these things! Take care of it!
TW: Listen, if we just stay calm and work together –
KK: I need my conditioner, Tom! I need my conditioner and my shampoo and my –
JG: (Looks abashed) Yes, well, I might have had something to do with that.
TW: Excuse me?
JG: After someone took my shampoo, I made it clear to the delivery people that the consequences would be dire if I ran out of product again.
AoT: Oh, John…
JG: I might have said something about having all of Kristin’s hair care materials delivered to my trailer.
KK: (Scowling) Might have?
JG: Fine, fine, I quite clearly threatened their families if I did not get every last drop of relaxer, support and sheen.
KK: Damnit, John! You know how much I care about my hair!
JG: If it makes you feel any better, I told them to deliver Allison’s product too.
AM: You dick!
JG: Of course, I just threw that crap away. Ali, you really need to start taking some pride in your appearance.
ED: You’ll never be TV Guide’s Sexiest Female for 2009 if you don’t start thinking about your hair.
KK: Yeah, I am sure the voters were looking at your hair, Erica.
AM: I have a Peabody!
AoT: You don’t have to look ugly to be taken seriously as an artist, Allison.
AM: I have been doing promotional work for Capricia for the past four week! I just flew in from Tokyo!
ED: With that hair?
JG+KK: (Shudders)
TW: Let me get this straight. John, you are the one who took all of Kristin’s shampoo?
KK: And conditioner and gloss and herbal –
TW: Yeah, yeah, whatever. That means Bryan and the new person had nothing to do with it, Kristin.
AM: What about me?
TW: What about you?
AM: Someone threw paint on my trailer!
ED: Oh, yeah. That was me.
AM: What the hell?
ED: Michael and I were out drinking, and Michael bet I would not have the guts to throw paint on your trailer wearing nothing but a bathrobe.
AM: How does that even make a little bit of sense?
ED: (Shrugs) I guess you had to be there.
AoT: John?
JG: (Smiles) Telephoto lenses. After paying Michael his cut, I still have enough for a romantic getaway during the hiatus.
TW: (Frowns) I think I see a trend. Computer network going down?
AoT: (Looks embarrassed) My husband and I may have crashed it during our… teleconference.
TW: (Slowly shakes his head) Do I want to know?
AoT: Well, we were doing some role playing, and I was the naughty police officer -
TW: No, I do not need to hear this.
AoT: And just when it started to get interesting –
TW: Not even a little bit.
AoT: It turned out that I had hooked up the camera’s feed to the CW web site.
TW: (Puts head on table)
AoT: There were over 50 million hits in 10 minutes. The servers exploded, they told me. On the up side, I generated so much ad revenue that Dawn gave me a nice little bonus.
ED: Nicely done! Do you think they would be interested in -
TW: (Raises head) Shut up, Erica. Anyone want to admit to attacking the guards?
KK: I thought they were Al and Miles. I am not taking any chances.
TW: Kristin, you attacked 37 security guards!
KK: It was dark!
TW: It was dark 37 times?
KK: I don’t have to justify myself to you!
TW: I don’t believe this! You morons are responsible for every problem that has shut down the production of Smallville! How am I supposed to explain this to Dawn?
AM : Excuse me, Tom? Are you calling me a moron?
TW: I’m sorry, Allison. I should have known you would have enough sense to not be involved in anything this stupid.
KK: (Clears her throat)
TW: Oh, come on, Kristin. This is exactly the kind of thing you would –
KK: (To AM) Allison? Would you like to say something?
AM: (unintelligible mutters)
TW: Oh for fuck’s sake.
KK: Allison?
AM: Fine! Fine, I am the one who drove the caterers away! I told them that if they could not make a decent cup of coffee, then they could go to hell!
KK: And?
AM: I tazered the cooks when my Eggs Florentine were undercooked.
JG: Well, who wouldn’t?
KK: And?
AM: I maced a deliver boy when he brought me whole milk with my brownies.
ED: Now that I can understand. Fat free milk or someone's getting a beating.
TW: (Stands up, starts to shout) God damnit! It is not bad enough that we have Singer and some new freak running around! You dumbshits have once again driven production of the one CW show that gets better ratings than a test signal into the ground!
JG: What can I say? Its a gift.
MR: (Bursts into the room) Tom! I did it! I have found the answer to all our problems! I am a genius!
TW: (Sits down) Ah, crap.

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