JG's promo shoot

as retold by jwm

[On the sound stage JG is in a tux and AoT is in a white evening gown. AM, KK, and ED are in matching pink taffeta dresses. MR chats with the cameraman.]
ED: Oh my god, this is so exciting!
KK: Yeah. How'd I get roped into this again?
JG: Because I can forge Dawn's signature better than any one else. Now get in line with the other girls.
AM: Are these... used bridesmaid gowns?
JG: Budget was tight. We had to pick something up at the Salvation Army.
KK: [Pulling the dress up] I told you before it's not even my size!
AoT: Costuming was supposed to take yours in.
KK: It doesn't feel any different!
AM: That might explain why I can barely breathe.
JG: Quiet! We need to finish this up before Tom figures out what we're up to.
AM: Or Bryan.
AoT: Or Brad.
JG: I said quiet!!!!
MR: I still can't believe Annette convinced you to use an Elton John song.
JG: Normally that would be beneath Lionel...
AoT: But it's the only way I would participate.
[MR's phone rings]
MR: I've got to take this.
JG: Don't tell Tom we're here.
MR: Don't worry.
[MR exits]
AM: About that, don't you think Tom is going to freak when he sees the final product?
JG: Hey, he wanted character based promos. That's what he's getting. Are my back up singers ready?
ED: Yes!!!
JG: I said are my back up singers ready?
AM & KK: Yes.
JG: You better show more enthusiasm once the film is rolling.
KK: Whatever.
JG: Watch it young lady, Lionel might still have some of Clark's blood left over. I could bring Lana back to life.
KK: We cut off her head.
JG: Just her head then. It could be like that Adam's Family thing.
ED: I thought that was a hand.
JG: Head, hand. Whatever.
KK: You wouldn't!
JG: Try me!
KK: [Scowls] I can't believe I'm actually going to do this.
[JG picks up a wireless mic and takes AoTs hand.]
JG: M'lady.
[JG bows and AoT curtsies]
JG: Cue the music.

[Elton John's "My Elusive Drug begins."]
JG: I'm not the same as I used to be
AoT: All the things I've heard seem hard to believe
JG: Haven't always been good
AoT: Never really been bad
JG: Most times I've been happy. Yeah sometimes I've been sad

AM, ED, & KK: So sa-a-a-ad.

JG: Sure I've made mistakes
AoT: Haven't we all?
JG: I've been loose as a canon
AoT: And dumb as a wall

AM, ED, & KK: Dumb as a wa-a-a-al.

JG: Haven't always been sober and counted my ducks
AoT: If I look back now I've had my share of luck

JG: But the change didn't come over night
AoT: I've been searching for you all my life

JG: All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug in exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG & AoT: You my elusive drug

AoT: I'm gonna stay now
JG: I really like it here
AoT: I may paint your picture
JG: And I might grow a beard

AM, ED, & KK: Grow a bea-a-a-ard.

JG: There were times I was crazy, couldn't handle my life. Don't think you'd like me, not a any old price

AoT: But the change didn't come over night
JG: I've been searching for you all my life. All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug.

AoT: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG & AoT: You my elusive drug

JG: I'm not taking the pills
AoT: I got burned out and chilled by the cold

JG: But I've no regrets and that being said
AoT: You know cheap thrills can get pretty old.
AM, ED, & KK: o-o-o-o-o-ld.

[AoT and JG dance.]
AM, ED, & KK: Yeah

[JG breaks away long enough to pull a rose from a nearby vase with his teeth.]

AM, ED, & KK: Yeah

[JG pushes AoT up against the wall. He pulls the rose from his mouth and presents it to her.]

AM, ED, & KK: Oh, Yeah

JG: But the change didn't come over night
AoT: I've been searching for you all my life

JG: All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug

AoT: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG: You my elusive drug

AM, ED, & KK: The sweetest addiction

JG: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
AoT: You my elusive drug

[JG kisses AoT passionately. ED walks up into the frame]
ED: Feed your addiction, Smallville. Thursdays at eight on the CW.

Camera man: And cut!
[MR returns. AoT and JG whip out their phones]
AoT: I'm calling my husband.
JG: Mine too.
MR: Wait. Not so fast.
AoT: Guh?
MR: We're going to have to shoot it again. After a few costume changes.
AM: I'd do anything to get out of this!
[A courier arrives with a box. MR opens it.]
MR: Mr. Whedon...
AM: Whedon?!!? Oh for criminy sake!
MR: This is for you Allison.
[Hands AM a black leather corset and a choker with steel spikes]
AM: Taffeta is looking better all the time.
[MR hands KK a pleather jumpsuit and plastic fangs]
KK: Oh, hell no.
[MR hands a plastic jar.]
ED: No outfit?
MR: You won't be needing an outfit.
ED: Then what is this?
MR: Green body paint.
ED: Oh, no. Hell no.
MR: Think Mystique.
ED: What, is that some sort of fragrance?
KK: Rebecca Romijn in the X-men movies.
MR: Only green.
ED: Do I still get to say the tag line?
MR: Hold please. [Into his phone.] You get that?
[MR listens]
MR: Mr. Whedon says the talent known as Erica Durance may say the tag line but for authenticity she must do so in native Pyleaese.
ED: Native what now?
KK: Remember Lane is actually a demon from the hell dimension known as Pylea?
ED: Right. Pylea. That's in the Caribbean, right?
AoT: Whatever he has in there for me I'm not wearing it.
MR: Not a problem, Annette.
AoT: [Pleasantly surprised] Well, I'm glad Joss is being reasonable.
MR: Mr. Whedon insists he be addressed as Mr. Whedon.
AoT: He's not even here!
MR: Mr. Whedon has determined that due to the reduced importance of their respective characters the talents known as John Glover and Annette O'Toole will serve as the backup vocalists in this promotional video.
JG: What the...?!?!
ED: But I still get to say the tag line?
JG: It's my promotion! I demand to star!
MR: Mr. Whedon points out the original content of said promotional video is highly inappropriate.
AoT: This is Tom's doing, I know it! Tom got to Whedon, didn't he, Michael?
MR: Lionel Luthor is now a canon a gay character. There can be no sexual attraction real or imagined to Martha Kent.
AoT: Tom did get to him! Damn him!
MR: Mr. Whedon has instead determined the talent known as Allison Mack will sing for the Character Chloe as if her "elusive drug" is being dominated and degraded.
AM: What the...? Tom better not be behind this.
MR: The talent known as Kristin Kruek will sing for the character Lana revealing her "sweet addiction" is the taste of human blood.
KK: Bullshit! Lana is dead! And if it turns out Tom is behind this he's dead too!
MR: And finally the talent known as Eric Durance will interpret Lane's innate need for demon hellfire.
ED: Whatever. I get to say the tag line?

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