7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part II)

as retold by jwm

TW: Are you talking about Erica or Lois now?
JG: Erica.
AoT: Stole what show?
AM: John's. The turncoat jumped ship.
AoT: But she loved being on Smallville. She'd never leave us!
AM: Maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did.
JG: Pulled the old switcheroo! Sweet talked those idiotic bastards into hiring her for my show. Oh... she played me for a fool, she did!
TW: So how does that effect you...?
JG: Some ill thought out legalese restricts CBS to poaching only one person from this crappy little show.
KK: I think that was put in place after the whole "Heroes exodus".
MR: But they took Erica over you? Why?
JG: Can you believe it? I have an Emmy, dammit! What the hell does she have?
KK: FHM voted her the 20th sexiest...
JG: I'm just as sexy as her... and I'm sixty years old!
TW: Don't take this the wrong way, John, you're sexy as hell, but Erica...
AM: John is pretty damn sexy.
JG: You're damn straight!
TW: But are you willing to show it off in tight spandex?
JG: Of course not! I have standards.
KK: Well there you go.
JG: I'll wear a wife beater. I can sport the hell out of a wife beater!
AoT: Maybe you can wear a wife beater again here on Smallville.
JG: [Head in hands] Dammit! This is really happening, isn't it?
MR: Wait, Erica is going to come back, right?
AM: Don't count on it.
MR: She's supposed to write two episodes with me! Who else is going to let me write about naked robots?
AoT: You can write them with me, Michael. I'm happy to write more.
MR: Can we write about naked exploding women robots?
AoT: Sure, we can write about anything you want, sweetie. Just as long as Martha gets lots of screen time.
MR: Deal!
AM: You're not really going to let him write about that are you, Annette?
AoT: Sure, why not?
AM: FYI, I'm not getting naked so the robots are going to have to be fascimilies of Lana.
KK: Oh, No. Lana is dead.
AM: That doesn't mean Lex can't make have fascimilies...
KK: I'm not showing up on screen naked or clothed. Dead, alive, or as a robot. Got it?
MR: Come on Kristen, for old time's sake!
KK: No!
TW: Erica would probably do it.
AM: Erica isn't on the show anymore!
MR: Well then how the hell am I going to have my naked exploding women robots?
AM: I guess you're not.
MR: That's completely unfair!
KK: Are you sure Erica was behind this, John?
JG: Oh, she can play dumb, Kristen. But don't let her fool you. Don't let her fool you!
AM: Fascinating. Can we move on?
MR: And figure out who's going to play the naked robot?
AoT: I could do it.
TW: No!
AoT: What's the problem, Tom?
TW: You're Clark's mom!
KK: Clark's mom wouldn't be naked and exploding. It would just a facsimile of her.
TW: Facsimile or no, it gives me the heebee jeebees.
AoT: You have a problem with the human body, don't you Tom?
TW: I don't have a problem with the human body...
AM: Do you now?
TW: I have a problem with my TV mom's naked human body!
AoT: You're such a prude!'
JG: Are you really that closed minded, Tom?
TW: Don't start, John.
KK: Can we get on with the script? I have other things to do here, people.
JG: Speaking of doing other things is Lionel in the script? Maybe I can leave.
KK: Yes, he's in the script.
JG: How long have you known about this?!?!
KK: There have been rumors for weeks...
JG: [To AM] Did you and Erica plan this together?
AM: Of course not!
JG: Why do you hate me, Allison? Why? Do you hate me because I escaped the show!
AM: I don't' hate you, John.
JG: Durance better watch her back. She's in my cross hairs, dammit!
AM: Are you done venting yet?
JG: No!
KK: Can you at least take five so we can keep going?
JG: Oh, alright! [Grabs another cannoli] These aren't bad. [Before he takes another bite] You didn't make these, did you Allison?
AM: No.
JG: Good. [Bites in enthusiastically]
TW: [Hands JG a script] Have a script.
JG: [Tosses it back to the middle of the table] Thanks, don't need one. [AM gives an irritated sigh. TW and MR chuckle.]
KK: So where were we?
AM: We just finished the teaser. Go to credits.
JG: [to MR] I sincerely hope they include footage of Mack bitch slapping you, Rosenbaum.
MR: I sincerely hope not.
JG: [To AM] And firing a grenade launcher...
AM: I really don't think so.
JG: Dammit, this show is just as much of a drag as I remember!

KK: We come back to Lex telling the police they need to get the hell out of there. Some monster is loose and it's going to kill them all.
AM: And they don't buy it. They proceed with the arrest.
KK: An object fly across the screen in the background.
AM: It's Bizarro kicking the shit out of Clark.
KK: A couple officers turn their attention to the chaos.
AM: Lex urges them to get the hell out again.
KK: Then Bizarro flies out after Clark.
AM: The police stare in disbelief.
KK: The dam starts to collapse.
AM: Lex turns around and grabs a pistol out of one officer's holster.
JG: HoYay in the opening scene! I love it!
[Cast stare at JG]
JG: For the record I'm still pissed about being here.
KK: Lex pistol whips the officer, jumps into the police cruiser, and drives off.
AM: And if the have any FX money left over the police get washed away by the rushing water.

KK: Now to the Clark Bizarro fight.
TW: Now that's what I'm talking about!
AM: Clark is trying to get up out of a shallow stream when Bizarro arrives and pummels him into the ground a few times.
KK: Then we cut to...
TW: What? That's it?!?!
AM: What do you want?
TW: Clark to get a few hits in!
KK: I don't think so.
AM: Right. But maybe Bizarro could throw Clark into a tree.
MR: Zod did that.
KK: Pound him into a boulder?
MR: Zod did that too.
AM: They could fly around choking each other.
MR: Zod...
KK: ...did that too. I got nothing.
AoT: How about a few wrestling moves?
KK: There we go! What do you suggest, Annette?
AoT: Oh, maybe the Pedigree?
AM: The Pedigree?
AoT: Very painful.
KK: There's no way something called the Pedigree could be painful.
AM: Surely you've got some thing better.
AoT: [Rolling her eyes] The Jackhammer?
[AM and KK gauge each others' reaction]
KK: Jackhammer it is. [Writing] Bizarro Jackhammers Clark.
AM: What else?
AoT: How about a Brainbuster?
KK: Even better!
MR: Do you know what it is?
KK: No. But it sounds good.
AM: Sounds painful.
KK: That's what I mean.
AM: [writing] Bizarro Brainbusters Clark.
KK: Are you sure that's not "Brainbusts" Clark?
AM: Annette?
AoT: It's Brainbusters.
AM: Thanks. [sticks her tongue out at KK. KK rolls her eyes.]
TW: Does Clark get any moves in?
KK: No.
TW: Dammit.

AM: Cut to Lionel.
JG: Dammit
KK: Want a script?
JG: No!
AM: He's waving down the police who didn't get washed away.
KK: Chloe lays on the ground by him.
AM: A couple officers carry her to a squad car.
KK: Lionel explains they need to go back into the facility.
AM: An officer takes one look at the leaking dam and says there's no way. The dam is going give and wash everything away.
KK: Lionel explains that Lois went back in and they can't leave without her.
JG: Since when does Lionel give a crap about Lois?
AM: Since she saved his life.
JG: Lois saved Lionel's life? It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
KK: The officers drag Lionel to the squad car.
JG: Lionel is supposed to be evil! What the hell? You're killing me here!

continued...