An interview with CV!ED

The forth in a series of fictional interviews.

jwm: Erica Durance.
ED: That's me.
jwm: Thanks for taking time to...
ED: No problem. I love Smallville. I love Smallville fans. It's just the greatest job in the world.
jwm: You know there have been rumors you might leave.
ED: There have?
jwm: Something about a show on CBS.
ED: Oh. That. Getting that part is impossible. Or so my agent tells me.
jwm: So you did want to leave.
ED: What? No. I don't want that part. Are you kidding?
jwm: So why do you describe getting it as impossible?
ED: Well. Imagine theoretically I did want the part, right?
jwm: OK.
ED: Which I don't. But theoretically I wanted it and intended to take it.
jwm: Theoretically.
ED: Right. Theoretically. Well John is already on the cast so I couldn't do it.
jwm: John Glover. Former cast mate.
ED: Yes. That's the one.
jwm: You don't get along with John?
ED: We get along famously. We always used to work out together. What I mean is there's some sort of reciprocal agreement between CBS and the CW.
jwm: I don't think I follow.
ED: Basically once they took John they were locked out of taking any other cast members for Smallville.
jwm: I see.
ED: So again, theoretically, even if I intended to take a part with the show I couldn't. Legally that is.
jwm: Why this focus on legality?
ED: You know, supposing I theoretically signed a contract or something.
jwm: Right. So you're staying on Smallville.
ED: I wouldn't have it any other way.
jwm: So what's in store for Lois this year?
ED: I don't know. I just show up and they give me a script. I hope it won't be too bad.
jwm: What do you mean?
ED: Well you know, with the whole tabloid thing last year.
jwm: You think Lois will make it to the Daily Planet this year?
ED: I don't know. I hope so. If I were in charge she would have been there already.
jwm: Are you referencing the so called season 5.5?
ED: No comment. But if I were going to make a comment and there were a season 5.5 I guarantee Lois would have already have written a story for the Planet and have a job there waiting for her.
jwm: I was hoping to ask you a few questions about...
[JG bursts in.]
JG: Durance you are dead!
ED: Hey, John, it's good to see you!
JG: How could you Erica?
ED: How could I what?
JG: Take my dream? You single white femaled me!
ED: What are you talking about?
jwm: How can you single white female a non-single white male?
JG: [to jwm] I don't know who the hell you are, but why don't you shut up and get the hell out!
jwm: But I'm...
ED: I'm in the middle of an interview, John. Can we talk about this later? Over a set of weights?
JG: This interview is over! I can't believe you'd stab me in the back like this!
ED: What do you mean?
JG: I mean by taking that part on Father Knows Best!
ED: But I can't take that part! CBS can only take one...
JG: ...actor from each CW show!
ED: Right.
JG: So guess who's stuck back on this piece of shit for a show on this piece of shit for a network?
ED: You're back on the show? That's great! We were all going to miss you so much! [Moves in for a hug]
JG: [Rebuffing her] Are you daft!?!? The only reason I'm back on this show is because they threw me back so they could cast you as the wacky neighbor!
ED: Oh, God. I'm not on Smallville anymore?!!?
jwm: I.. um.. Can I ask...?
JG: Shut up! Why the hell are you still here, anyway?
jwm: I... um...
JG: Get the hell out!
jwm: Yes, sir.
[jwm gets up and leaves but listens at the other side of the door]
JG: Now, Erica, how do you explain yourself?
ED: John, It wasn't on purpose! Al and Miles were going to... [breaking down]... and then Allison said I should... ...and finally...
JG: Allison!?!?
ED: ...the wrong form came in over the fax machine.
JG: Don't' you know better than to listen to Allison!?!? Dammit woman! Have you not a lick of sense?
ED: I'm so sorry!
JG: Hold on.
ED: What?
JG: Shhhh.
[Silence. JG flings open the door and finds jwm eavesdropping.]
JG: You!

The next thing I knew I woke up in a dumpster with a dull pain in my neck. RepairmanBob was in there too, looked like hell, been there for days. I'm sad to say it reminded me of a really twisted rendition of Survivor as the two of us lived off the stray rat here and there and plotted our escape.

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