The $%*# finally hits the fan

[AG & MM video conference with LM (Les Moonves, president of CBS)]
AG: This isn't fair Les, you can't do this to us!
LM: Technically we own you. We can do anything we want.
AG: But why take Erica? It completely screws us over! She's our Lois Lane!
MM: I hope you're not going to claim she was the most talented actress to apply.
LM: She is perfect for the part but frankly our reasons for choosing Ms. Durance are not your business.
MM: [To AG] OK, let's call up Erica. The charade has gone on long enough. Tell her we'll give Lois a decent arc this year. Hell, let's give her a pony if she wants one.
AG: [Heading to the phone] I told you we should have let her in on the whole writing the season themselves thing.
MM: But...
AG: But no. You just had to mess with her head.
MM: The good thing is we can still get her back.
LM: Actually you can't.
AG: [stops dialing] What? If she doesn't want to be on your show you can't keep her there!
LM: We can if we choose. She's under contract.
MM: Keep someone on a show even though you know she wants to leave? Who would do that? That's just plain evil!
LM: Perhaps you should have a chat with Ms. Kreuk about such things.
AG: Don't start playing dirty with us, Les!
LM: That's the way the cookie crumbles. We're keeping Erica and there's nothing you can do about it. Goodbye.
MM: Wait! Surely there is something we can offer to change your mind!
LM: I don't think so.
AG: What if we found you another actress!?!?
MM: Even better than Erica!
LM: [interested] You're willing to give me Kreuk?
AG: Are you kidding? We can't give her up.
MM: Besides, we said a better actress.
AG: Somebody brand new.
LM: Not interested.
AG: But you haven't even heard who it is!
LM: I don't care!
MM: You could be passing up the greatest casting opportunity of the century!
LM: [sighs] Look, the bottom line is this isn't about Erica, it's about Glover.
AG: Glover? What do you mean?
LM: He scares the crap out of the rest of the cast. Nobody wants to work with him.
MM: That's why you're stealing Durance!?!? Because Glover scares your cast?
AG: Is she supposed to run interference?
MM: Besides, you can only take one! You can't have them both.
LM: Exactly. If we take her we have legal grounds to dump Glover. Besides, even though at first she really didn't want to be here...
AG: She didn't?
LM: No. In fact her lawyers descended upon us like locusts! For a while there I thought we were going to be entrenched in a long legal battle but it turned out she gets along great with the rest of the cast and eventually thanks to a sizable pay hike and other accommodations such as final script approval she called off the dogs. And unlike Glover she hasn't threatened a single cast member yet. It's pretty refreshing really. Frankly I don't know how you guys manage to put out a quality... um, let me rephrase that, put out a show on a weekly basis considering what you have to work with.
MM: So she doesn't want to come back now?
AG: [whispers to MM] Offer him Allison.
MM: What?
AG: Trade Allison for Erica!
MM: We can't afford to lose Allison she's our only ally.
AG: That's only because everybody is mad at her. The dislike is rubbing off on us. If we get rid of her everyone, or most everyone, will like us again.
MM: Ooohh. Hey Les, how about we give you Allison Mack?
LM: What gives you the impression I want to go from dealing with John Glover to dealing with that woman?!?!
AG: Actually we've found her very co-operative.
MM: And she's a good actress!
LM: Yeah? There are plenty of good actresses looking for work and most of them don't try to drug their employer. The last thing I want is someone on set stirring up trouble. Besides, aside from the whole drug thing I'd prefer to stick with an actress who hasn't managed to piss off every single one of her co-workers. Whats more, Erica is happy here now. She'd be devastated if we told her she had to go back to you guys.
MM: Come on, our show isn't that bad.
LM: I think her words were something to the effect of "When all you know is gruel gruel doesn't seem so bad but then one day someone serves you fillet mignon and you never want to eat gruel ever again."
AG: What's that supposed to mean?
LM: It means she wants to stay with us, the fillet mignon.
MM: She's comparing us to gruel! That ungrateful little...
AG: There's no way CBS is fillet mignon! Maybe a sirloin but fillet? I don't think so...
MM: This is an outrage! You've turned our own cast against us!
AG: And gruel? We're at least ground beef! Maybe even chopped steak!
MM: Shut up, Al!
AG: What did I say?
MM: We'll see you in court! [MM flicks off the video conferencing equipment] Dammit!
AG: What the hell are we going to do now?
MM: With John coming back? Bulk up on security.
AG: And I thought we were finally free of Glover. Dammit! Life just isn't fair!
MM: You're telling me. [picks up the phone and dials]
AG: What are you doing?
MM: Calling Allison.
AG: Can you believe what a turn coat Durance turned out to be?
MM: Absolutely! No loyalty! So ungrateful!
AG: After all we did for her!
MM: We'll show her! [Into the phone] Oh, hi, Allison?
MM: It's Miles.
MM: No, we didn't tell the rest of the cast anything.
MM: Honest.
MM: They knew? It was supposed to be a secret.
MM: Well Stephen is a jerk! You did get them to agree to write didn't you?
MM: Excellent! Listen, we're going to need your help with another matter.
MM: Durance is out and adjustments need to be made.
MM: I know! I'm shocked and disappointed too.
MM: Come up right away. It's conspiracy time. [Hangs up]
AG: What did she say?
MM: She has some ideas she wants to share with us.
AG: Ideas? Already?
MM: What can I say? She has an uncanny way of being prepared for the most unpredictable circumstances.
AG: True. It's probably a good thing we didn't trade her to Les for Erica after all.
MM: Yeah, we can always count on Allison.
AG: Good ol' Allison.
MM: You think she'll like our Supergirl idea?
AG: Eh, maybe. But we've got bigger problems now. If she wants to nix Supergirl no big loss. Too bad with Erica is gone we can't have Lois sleep her way into a job at the Daily Planet anymore.
MM: Damn, you're right! I loved that idea.
AG: Me too, Miles, me too.

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