7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part III)

as retold by jwm

AM: Cut to Martha's new office.
TW: In the middle of all this action? It that really a good choice?
MR: No.
KK: Shut up.
AoT: It's about time for a Martha scene.
AM: Thank you, Annette. She's unpacking.
KK: Introduction of her new chief of staff.
TW: Is it Pete? It would be cool if it were Pete.
AM: It's not Pete.
TW: Why not? It would be cool if it were Pete!
KK: It's not Pete!
TW: Why not? It ....
KK: Because Sam has better things to do with his time than showing up on this crappy show again!
TW: Did you ask...?
KK: Yes. He said no, OK?
TW: Oh. I still think it would have been cool.
AM: Yes, everyone agreed it would have been cool, except for Sam. And so we're not doing it.
JG: Lucky bastard.

KK: Cut to Lois inside the project Aries facility.
MR: Wait. I thought Erica was...
AM: She is. We're going to shoot a body double from behind. And Lois doesn't have any lines.
MR: And why did we have to wait for Erica to leave to institute that policy?
KK: Water is collecting on the floor.
AM: She fiddles with some buttons on the control panel and finally she gets the sliding doors to open revealing all the inert Project Aries soldiers.
KK: She pulls out her camera and takes a picture.
AM: The wall collapses beside her and she's washed away.
KK: We linger on the image of her camera caught by it's strap by some debris.
TW: Wow. What a way to go.

AM: Lionel watches the dam from a patrol car. The facility collapses. He turns to Chloe who lies on the seat beside him and tenderly pushes the hair out of her eyes.
MR: What a tender moment.
JG: What he hell, Allison?
AM: The car pulls away.
JG: You need a literary allusion here don't you?
KK: Not really...
JG: "Alas, poor Lois! I knew her, Chloe; a woman of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
AM: That's not exactly what we're looking for, John. But I'm pleased you have literary allusions on the brain.
JG: What do you mean that's not what you're looking for!?!? It's classic literature and it's relevant! You're not going to get any better than that!
KK: I think what Allison was trying to say is we were thinking more silent morning than literary inspiration.
JG: Whatever. You're passing up a stirring scene I tell you!
AM: Lionel's phone rings.
JG: Who the hell would be calling at a time like this?
KK: It's Lex.
JG: Lex is a fugitive from justice and the first thing he does is call his dad?
MR: Yeah, he's going to tell Lionel his ass is grass.
KK: He wants to find out about Lana.
JG: Oh.
MR: [Disappointed] Oh.

AM: Cut to Lex behind the wheel of a cop car.
AoT: We should re-enact the OJ chase! Lex can drive down the freeway for hours threatening to kill himself.
MR: Annette, I love you, but that's got to be the stupidest I idea I've ever heard.
KK: Well fortunately for him all the other cars went down with the bridge so no one is following him.
MR: So thankfully not OJ re-enactment.
KK: Besides, we need Lex to get to the explosion site so he can cry like a baby.
MR: Correction, Annette, your idea is only the second stupidest idea I've ever heard.
AM: Into the phone, "Where's Lana?"
KK: "You should know, son. You killed her."
AM: Lex gets all pissy. "I'd never do that. I loved her. I need to see her."
MR: I just know I'm going to gag on those lines.
KK: "She's dead."
AM: "Where?"
KK: Lionel doesn't answer.
AM: "Where is she!?!?"
KK: "Her car... it exploded..."
AM: Lex is getting more and more frantic "Where!?!?"
KK: "Smallville. Behind the Talon."
AM: Lex hangs up and puts the petal to the metal.
KK: Yee-Haa!
JG: You know, Lex's white suit kind of reminds me of Boss Hogg's digs from Dukes of Hazard.
AoT: You're right, John.
MR: That's ridiculous!
JG: What's ridiculous is the fact this version of Lex is likely to grow up more Boss Hogg than super villain.
KK: Roscoe was a lot more competent than Lex's security.
MR: Kristen!
TW: Roscoe P. Coletrain!
MR: Tom!
AM: Roscoe was pretty incompetent. And let's not even talk about Enos.
KK: Don't dis Enos. He got his own spin off series which is more than any of us can say!
AoT: Erica...
JG: Damn bitch!
AM: Father Knows Best isn't a spin off.
AoT: Have you read the description?
KK: You realize not only did Roscoe and Enos never get themselves killed they never left Boss Hogg in a position to get shot or knocked over the head?
JG: If that's true it's sad.
AM: Sad?
JG: Boss Hogg is more competent than Lionel's heir! Allison, how about we resurrect the Chloe Luthor story line?
AM: No thanks.
JG: Come on, Lionel needs a competent heir!
MR: Lex is a competent heir!
JG: Don't be ridiculous, Michael. Lex can barely put his pants on!
MR: Why can't we write Lex competent?
JG: That horse has already left the stable, son.
AM: Sorry, John. Chloe has enough problems with her meteor infection. We're not going to do the Lionel daddy thing again.
AoT: Lionel wouldn't want a freak for a kid anyway.
TW: But isn't Lex is a freak?
AoT: Yeah, and we've seen how Lionel treats him.
KK: We cut to Bizarro...
JG: Can we give Lionel another illegitimate child for an heir this year?
AM: Would you give it up, John?
JG: I'm serious!
TW: Can't you settle for surrogate daddy for Clark?
JG: Don't you hate that?
TW: I do.
JG: Then I'll take it.
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
JG: Sure. Cut to Bizarro.
AoT: Bizarro could be Lionel's illegitimate...
TW: Would you please stop it, Annette?
AoT: I was just...
TW: Please?
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
AoT: ...thinking he could be Lionel's...
TW: Annette! No.
AoT: Fine.
KK: Now?
AoT: Now what?
AM: Get back to Clark getting his ass kicked?
AoT: Works for me.

KK: Bizzaro gives Clark a... Annette?
AoT: A Chokeslam?
KK: Oh, that sounds good.
AM: Bizarro should give him a couple of those.
KK: And then a...?
AoT: How about a Powerbomb?
AM: That sounds like it would hurt.
AoT: I would.
KK: Bizarro should give him two or three.
TW: In a row? Can't Clark fight back?
AM: Yeah, it shouldn't be all in a row.
TW: Right! Clark should get a punch in!
AM: I mean Bizarro should mix it up. A Chokeslam then a Powerbomb and then back to the Chokeslam thing.
KK: What's a chokeslam? Would that take Clark out?
AoT: Clark would definitely be down for the count!
KK: Good. Clark lays in the water defeated.
TW: What?
KK: Bizarro holds Clark under the water and says that thing from the teaser...
AM: "I'm going to take everything you ever loved, yada yada yada."
KK: Then something cheesy.
MR: Like "Time to die"?
AM: How about "Not so super now"?
JG: "This is your final fashion lesson!"
TW: Final fashion lesson?
JG: I couldn't help but notice that Bizzaro has much better fashion sense than Clark.
KK: A vegetable has better fashion sense...
TW: Now wait a second!
KK: I like "Time to die."
MR: How about word play with DNA?
AM: DOA? "Thanks for the DNA. To bad you're going to wind up DOA."?
KK: [Shakes her head] No. Not good.
AM: I like it.
KK: No, it's not good at all.
AM: But...
JG: It sucks, Allison.

continued...