An Interview with CV!MR

The sixth in a series of fictional interviews.

RepairmanBob: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. Mr. Rosenbaum.
Michael Rosenbaum: (Playing Wii) Sure, no problem. Call me Michael.
RB: Ok, Michael. I would like to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
MR: Sure. Just let me finish this game.
RB: Ok. First, what do you think of Lex Luthor’s marriage to Lana Lang this year.
MR: (looks pained) You just had to ask about Lana, didn’t you? Damn it.
RB: (steps back) You aren’t going to shoot me with a dart gun, are you?
MR: Why would I (Looks at RB) Dear Lord! Have you been sleeping in a dumpster?
RB: I interviewed John first.
MR: Ah, I understand.
RB: So, back to Lex and Lana. I have to ask – what happened?
MR: Well, I was going to keep this under wraps, but my fans deserve to know. This is bigger than Tom leaking the story about Lex and Lana’s baby. The big secret of season six is that Lana Lang is a brain eating krypto-freak!
RB: Really?
MR: Look at all the evidence. (Turns off Wii, moves to a table with a laptop. Opens a PowerPoint file.) For years, Clark has acted like a moron around Lana. All of a sudden, Lex starts dating Lana and he gets dumber by the episode.
RB: That does make sense.
MR: (Starts the PowerPoint presentation) Look at Sneeze . Lana bitches about Lex’s cameras, and he tells her “Shut up bitch!”
RB: That is true.
MR: Or Wither. Lex gets annoyed with Lana, and tells her to not give him crap over her issues with Clark.
RB: Good point.
MR: My favorite in Arrow. Lex sets up an elaborate scenario to test Lana’s loyalty! And it works! He is smart and evil!
RB: That was the best part of an otherwise annoying episode.
MR: Then it all goes to hell in Fallout. Any time Lana is around, Lex is a moron. No Lana, and he is great.
RB: I have to agree.
MR: Just wait – it gets better. (More slides). Rage – No Lana, and he is controlling Ollie’s secret super steroid program and experimenting on criminals. Scenes with Lana, he is a pitiful mess. Static – Lex babbles on and on about Lana. Thank God I was drunk for that entire episode, or I would not have been able to get the lines out. And don’t even get me started on Hydro. “Lana, I know you love Clark best, but I’ll be happy to wait around until you two are finished having sex and drive you home like a loyal manservant.”
RB: Also drunk for that one?
MR: No, but I wish I had been. Hell, take Lana away for Justice and Lex is great. He builds a base just to torture Flash!
RB: Impulse.
MR: Whatever. The point is, Lana eats Lex’s brain whenever they are together.
RB: I always thought it was a malfunctioning Lex Clone.
MR: That’s just crazy talk. Lana eats brains!
RB: It does explain Promise.
MR: Now you are getting it! First episode I write this season, we will be exploring how Lana ate the brains of the entire cast. It will actually explain all of the crap from season six.
RB: What about Kristin?
MR: Are you kidding? She’ll love it.

RB: Speaking of Kristin, I would like to ask you about the rest of the cast. How do you like working with Tom?
MR: Tom is great. Very easy to manipulate. As long as I don't make Clark look too bad, I can talk him into anything. Remember the naked exploding female robots?
RB: I loved that episode!
MR: Good times.
RB: Annette?
MR: Tough lady, but easy to bribe. Throws a mean left hook.
RB: Kristin?
MR: She could care less what I do. Honestly, with Lana dead she will probably sleep through the writing sessions for the rest of her contract.
RB: Is it true you took out a restaining order against John?
MR: John is crazy! And not a fun, wacky crazy. The man really has anger management issues. Can you believe he threatened to drug me and lock me in a dumpster?
RB: ...
MR: I guess you could.
RB: How about Allison? I heard you two don't get along well.
MR: Really? Who said that?
RB: Allison.
MR: Allison has managed to completely alienate every staff member. We all play games to get the stories we want, but her stupid obsession about making Chloe look good... well, she fucked us all. Losing all of the hard work we put in on the "lost" season, GreenArrowVille, everyone looking like brainless fuckwits so Lana could look good, that godawful baby storyline - all Allison's fault. Erica was the only one who was even mildly civil to her. To be honest, I feel a litle sorry for her.
RB: Speaking of Allison and Chloe, I wanted to ask you about the rumors of a secret season 3.5.
MR: (suddenly concerned.) What?
RB: There is a rumor that episodes were filmed that showed the time between season three and four, where Chloe and Lex were romantically linked.
MR: (nervous laugh) That’s just crazy. Chloe and Lex together? (Quickly scribbles a note, passes it to RB) Lex would never date a high school student!
RB: (Reads note out loud.) “It is not safe to talk here. They are listening. I will tell you everything later.”
MR: Be quiet!
(From outside the trailer, screaming can be heard.) Rosenbaum! Where are you, boy? I know there is no way Durance could pull this off on her own!
MR: Oh crap! It’s John!
JG: (Bangs on trailer door) Open up Rosenbaum! I know you are behind this! Somehow you got me thrown off Father Knows Best, and you will pay!
MR: I have a restraining order out against him! He is insane!
RB: Well, thanks for the interview. I’ll just let myself out this window –
MR: Tell him I’m not here! Distract him until I can get security!
JG: (banging on trailer door) Open up damn it! You are just making it worse for yourself!
MR: Listen, if you can distract him for 5 minutes, I’ll tell you everything you want to know. The big plot twist we have planned for this season!
RB: No!
MR: Guest stars!
RB: He drugged me and locked me in a dumpster!
JG: (Kicking door) Let me in and take you beating like a man!
MR: Season 3.5!
RB: Damn, I’ll do it.
MR: Thanks pal! (pulls out a cell phone, hides behind couch.)
JG: (Kicks door open). Now come here you little – you’re not Michael.
RB: I am just waiting for an interview. No one else is here. In fact, I’ll be going now.
JG: Hold on a minute. Haven’t I threatened you before?
RB: Probably. I’ll get out of your way –
JG: Well, if you are waiting for Michael, you can give him a message for me.
RB: You aren’t going to shoot me with dart again, are you?
JG: Don’t be absurd. (zaps RB with a tazer) Pass that along when you see Michael.
RB: Ow.
JG: Are you giving me lip? (zaps RB again) I don’t take lip from reporters. (Stomps away, screaming for Michael)
MR: (From behind couch) I told you, get security here now! He is dangerous!
MR: I don’t care if Al says we are out of money! Take it out of the budget for Kristin and John’s hair care products!
MR: Yes, he knocked out another reporter. I told you, someone needs to search John when he comes on the lot!
MR: And get an intern to my trailer to drag the body away.

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