An Interview with CV!JG

The third in a series of fictional interviews.

RepairmanBob: Hello Mr. Glover. Thanks for meeting with me today.
John Glover: I am always happy to talk to a member of the press about one of my projects! I am overjoyed that I can let more people know about Father Knows Best, starting me, Mondays this fall on CBS.
RB: Actually, John – can I call you John?
JG: No.
RB: Alright, Mr. Glover, I wanted to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
JG: Must we? I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best, following the hit show Two-and-A-Half Men on CBS in September. How on earth did that show get to be a hit? I must get some of their writers.
RB: Mr. Glover, many of your fans are very interested on your thoughs about Lionel’s actions on –
JG: When I said “I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best”, which TV Guild said featured “A magnificent performance by star John Glover”, I was trying to be polite. Since you were clearly too dense to understand that, I will make it clear. I have no desire to talk about my former show.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: (Frowns) I was not finished. Are you interrupting me?
RB: (uncomfortable pause) No, sir.
JG: Smart boy. Let me explain how this interview will go. I will talk about Father Knows Best, which USA Today said is one of the Top 10 Shows To Watch of the 2007-08 season. You will ask me questions about my new show. When I am finished, you may ask me 10 questions about Smallville.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: 9 questions.
RB: Can I just –
JG: 8 questions.
RB: How do you like your new show?
JG: It is wonderful! We have recruited writers from House, 30 Rock and Scrubs. I have final dialogue approval in my contract, so I have a tremendous amount of control over Jim’s character. I have learned that allowing amateurs, no matter how well meaning, to control your character is simply asking for trouble.
RB: Now, how is this different from the original?
JG: Are you interrupting me again? (Starts to pull something from under jacket.)
RB: Just asking for more details.
JG: Ah, much better. In our version, I play Jim Anderson, a dashing international businessman. My love interest is Margaret, a sexy red-haired stay at home mom who a state senator in her free time. They meet at a city council meeting about expanding the size of Jim's mansion (a classic Scottish castle), and it is love at first sight.
RB: Sounds oddly familiar.
JG: Well, I have been involved in the writing. No point in letting a perfectly good story go to waste.
RB: Are Jim and Margaret married?
JG: No, they are living in sin. And they have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
RB: Nice. An update for the modern audience?
JG: Exactly! We are both widows, each with a son from our previous marriage. My son is a classic overachiever – straight A student, assistant manager at a fast food restaurant, president of the student government and an overall swell kid. Her son is a dim-witted slacker, who wears lots of flannel and cries about a girl he wants to go out with. He is a dumb kid. A Big Dumb Kid.
RB: Can I ask about –
JG: 7 questions.
RB: How the role of the daughter has been changed?
JG: Nicely done! You may have that one back. The daughter is my illegitimate child from a previous marriage. She lives on the roof, or under our roof – it did not involve Jim, so I did not read that part of the script. She will be played by a young lady who escaped another show in the WC. Gong, or Chime or Guitar… some musical instrument. Very talented woman. She has been a delight to work with. Did you know on her last show, they paid the staff peanuts?
RB: The salary was that low?
JG: No, they actually got jars of peanuts for their work. Dreadful.
RB: Any truth to the rumors that Erica Durance was up for the role?
JG: I am going to count that as a Smallville question. Erica was up for a role on the show as a friend or a neighbor, or a homeless person, or something, but she chose to remain on Smallville for some reason. Lord knows why. You could not pay me enough to go back to that hell hole.
RB: After working on a drama for so long, are you looking forward to being part of a comedy.
JG: I don’t understand your question. Wasn’t Smallville a comedy?
RB: Did you ever watch the show?
JG: Hell no. I have my standards, after all. I watch Ugly Betty on Thursdays.
RB: Anything else you would like to say about Father Knows Best?
JG: Tune in Mondays this fall for the best new comedy on television! Thank you for your time. (Starts to stand)
RB: But what about Smallville?
JG: (Sits down) Damnit. Alright, you have seven questions.
RB: What do you think of the revelation that Lionel was good this season?
JG: Utter crap. Six.
RB: That’s it?
JG: Complete and utter crap. Five.
RB: What did you enjoy about your time on Smallville?
JG: Payday and slapping Michael. Four.
RB: What was your favorite part of this season?
JG: Other than it ending? I guess it would have to be Chloe showing her true colors in Progeny. The way she bitchslapped Lex was magical. And Allison held the pistol and the grenade launcher like a champion. If the morons running this show actually had half a brain, they would put that shot on the cover of the DVD box. Attractive women holding firearms? Now that is sexy.
RB: You do realize she was under he mother’s control?
JG: Ah, but that's why it reveals her true nature, don't you see?
RB: Actually no. She wasn't in control of her actions.
JG: Incorrect. She wasn't in control of her goals. How she achieved those goals were completely in her control.
RB: Are there any cast members you will miss?
JG: I will miss talking to Annette. I have been trying to talk the writers into creating a role for her as my sexy neighbor on Father Knows Best, which Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News said was “The show I have been preparing my entire life to see” and "So much better than American audiences deserve." We will have to see how that goes.
RB: Any funny behind the scenes stories?
JG: On Promise, I could not get the slap of Michael right. We did 52 takes, and brought in the rest of the cast to slap Michael while I watched. I thought Kristin was going to draw blood! It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
RB: Is that why Michael took a restraining order out against you?
JG: I have answered my eight questions. You were warned. (Pulls out dart gun, shoots RepairmanBob in the neck.)
RB: Ow.
JG: Why aren’t you unconscious?
RB: I drink three liters of rotgut tequila every Thursday night to make it through Smallville.
JG: Ah, Allison’s method. (Shoots 2 more darts. RepairmanBob slumps to floor.) Now, time to find an intern to drag him to the dumpster.

Next