7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part IV)

as retold by jwm

AM: OK then. "Time to die" it is.
KK: Bizarro pulls back for the killing blow...
AM: As the sun peeks out from behind the clouds.
KK: His flesh crackles a bit and he looks up at the sun in disgust, shading his face.
AM: Show Clark noticing this little tidbit of information. Clark moves to get up.
KK: He trips up Bizarro and they struggle in the water.
AM: Clark comes out on top and holds Bizarro under water until he stops struggling.
KK: Clark looks freaked out having just killed himself. He's drained and stumbles around in the water. There's a rumbling sound. Clark looks up just in time to see wall of water rushing towards him. Bizarro's hand comes up out of the water and grabs Clark's leg just as the water hits.

KK: Cut to Martha's office. She watching the dam incident on TV.
AoT: Is this what Martha is going to be reduced to? Watching what's going on from afar?
AM: Doesn't this beat being stuck in the north pole like last premier?
AoT: The last premier Jor-El told her what a great mother she was.
KK: And everybody knows how trustworthy Jor-El is.
AoT: Shut up Kristen!
AM: We'll get Martha back in the action soon enough, but first...
KK: She has to meet the inspiration for her new bill.
AM: Mr. mutant.
JG: You didn't seriously name a character Mr. Mutant, did you?
KK: No. We just didn't know what name to give him.
AM: He's a man and he's a mutant. Naming is up for grabs. Anyway, Mr. unnamed mutant has called on the lovely Mrs. Kent for help.
KK: He wants her to sponsor a mutant's rights bill.
JG: A what?
AM: A Mutant's bill of rights. Giving them legal protection from various things. Basically an assurance the government won't round them up or run experiments on them.
KK: To provide serious civil and criminal penalties for those in the private sector who attempt the same.
AoT: Are there laws against rounding up and experimenting on people in general?
KK: Mutants are a special case.
MR: I don't see why mutants should get special treatment!
AM: That's pretty much what Lex is going to advocate.
MR: Well Lex is smart!
AM: Whatever.

KK: The site of Lana's glorious death.
AM: Lex speeds in and runs up to the explosion site.
KK: He cries like a baby.
MR: You're killing me here.
AM: If only.
KK: Lex gets on his hands and knees and professes his love to some imaginary Lana who he imagines could hear him.
AoT: Maybe she's listening from heaven?
JG: You think Lana went to heaven?
AoT: Of course she went to heaven. Didn't you get the memo?
JG: What memo? I'm been off site on another show until Durance screwed everything up for me.
TW: Not a recent memo, John, the first one Al and Miles ever sent out.
JG: I never read anything from them.
KK: It said...
MR: ...everything Lana does is perfect, everything she does is right.
TW: And she's beautiful.
JG: And to think there are still people who wonder why I want off this show.
AoT: Obviously there's nowhere else for her but heaven.
KK: But if any of you try to write a scene in where Lana talks to anyone from heaven there will be hell to pay.
TW: What if...
KK: I'm serious, Tom!
TW: OK. Understood. Geez.
AM: Anyway Lex is blubbering his way through this little monologue about how much he loved Lana...
MR: You really do hate me, don't you, Allison?
AM: ...when the police pull up behind him. He's so devastated he barely notices when they grab his arms to cuff him.
MR: Why do you hate me Allison?
AM: Lex starts saying to no one in particular, "I'll find out who did this to you, Lana!"
KK: An officer snarks, "Save it for the jury, OJ."
AM: "I swear! I'll find whoever did this to you and when I'm done with them they'll pray for the flames of hell!"

KK: Back to Clark still getting the holy crap beat out of him.
AM: We wanted to stick in some juicy hoyay dialogue.
KK: But neither of us are all that great with hoyay...
AM: So Tom, whatever you can think up on set will be good.
MR: Since Clark is technically fighting himself wouldn't it be considered AutoYay?
AoT: Autoyay?
JG: Auto-eroticism Yay! for the uninitiated.
AM: Ew!
MR: That's what it is, essentially.
JG: Clark is beating himself off... er, up.
AM: Ew!
TW: Maybe there shouldn't be any dialogue there after all.
MR: Good choice, Tom. I usually don't say anything when I...
[Cast looks uncomfortably at MR]
MR: never mind...
KK: The two of them wash up in a clearing. The bright sunlight disturbs Bizarro.
AM: It's like it's hurting him.
KK: He pounds the ground, cracking it open. "Time to go underground."
AM: And in he dives, dragging Clark down with after him.
KK: Here's where Clark really gets the crap beaten out of him.
AM: But Clark finally gets a good punch in, sends Bizarro flying up to the surface.
KK: Clark jumps up to land, only to find himself exposed and hardening in the sun. Clark grimaces and begins beating himself.
AM: [Making a disgusted face] Any chance for a different word choice there?
JG: I like it.
KK: We do the slow motion jumping thing. Clark pulls Bizarro up into the stratosphere with him.
JG: He needs to say "You're coming with me."!
AM: I don't think so.
JG: He must!
KK: It's funny, Allison.
TW: It's... humiliating.
KK: Be a sport, Tom.
TW: A sport? HoYay is one thing, but this?
AM: Up above the cloud line Bizarro's entire body starts to crystallize. He gets slower and slower.
KK: He tries to punch Clark a couple times but finds his fist cracks the first time.
AM: And the next time his fist completely shatters.
KK: Clark makes a little triumphant yet auto-erotic quip and then punches Bizarro in the face.
KK: In slow motion Bizarro's cheek shatters into hundreds of pieces.
AM: At this point Bizarro is completely crystallized.
KK: Hard as a rock.
AM: We can see the phantom trapped inside
KK: Aching for release.
AM: Stop, Kristen.
KK: Instead Clark just teases him.
AM: I said stop! Its screams are muffled inside the crystalline prison.
KK: Spent, the two start falling back down to Earth.
AM: Clark grabs the frozen image of himself and swings it around a few times before hurtling it into space towards the sun.
TW: Is that really a good idea?
AM: Sure. Why, not?
KK: The sun will kill the phantom.
TW: What if it only kills the copy of Clark's body?
AM: And the phantom comes back?
TW: Yeah.
AM: Then he'll have to fight it again.
MR: He should just toss it into space where the sun won't destroy the body.
AoT: That's not any better, a meteor could hit it and release the phantom.
AM: Either way if we run out of ideas for villains it means we can bring that one back. I don't see what the problem is.
TW: Yeah, you may have a point.
JG: Besides, you always have that thing you say... what is it?
TW: What?
JG: That thing Superman won't do...
MR: Wear the suit?
JG: No, that's not it.
AoT: Fly?
JG: No, no.
KK: Get over Lana?
JG: All true but that's what I was thinking.
AM: Fascinating. Can we...
JG: Killing! Superman can't kill people! That's it.
TW: I'm glad you remembered that one.
JG: That's the one I always seem to forget.
TW: That's what worries me.

KK: Candy-ass Lex is weeping like a baby and the site of Lana's death.
AM: An officer is reading him his rights.
KK: Tears fall freely.
MR: You two suck!
AM: He's a broken man. Truly and completely.
MR: And to think I was actually thinking about taking it easy on you this year, Mack!

continued...