Holy Crap

[AM bursts into AG & MM's office]
AM: We need to talk!

[ED in her trailer on the phone. She's biting her nails.]
ED: Hello? Is this CBS? Yes, I need to talk to somebody about... yes, I'll hold.

[AG & MM's office]
MM: We certainly do.
AG: Why haven't you returned our calls?
AM: I've been busy.

[ED's trailer]
ED: Yes. This is Erica Durance. I'll calling about... yes. Erica Durance.
ED: [sighs] E-R-....

[AG & MM's office]
AG: Look we need you're help.
AM: Are you going to fire Erica?
MM: Why would we do that?
AM: She's been disloyal.
AG: Out of the whole lot of you she's the easiest to get along with.
MM: Comes in and reads the crappiest lines without complaint.
AG: We couldn't ask for a better employee.
AM: She tried to leave the show!

[ED's trailer]
ED: ... N-C-E. What? Yes, I'll hold.

[AG & MM's office]
MM: She's under contract.
AG: She can't leave.
MM: Actually she could leave.
AG: She could?
MM: It's a bit technical. But we can't fire her.
AG: She's under contract.
MM: Unless she did something really crazy like try and drug her boss or co-workers.
AG: [Looks significantly at AM] Then we would have grounds to fire her.
AM: [Gulps] But that was ages ago.
MM: I remember it vividly.
AM: That's not what you wanted to talk to me about, is it?
MM: No, no. We need to be our liaison with the cast.
AM: What about Tom?
AG: Tom, um, ...
MM: Tom is still pissed about season six.
AM: Who isn't?
MM: Right. Moving along, we need to you to present something to the cast.
AG: Since they aren't talking to us anymore.

[ED's trailer]
ED: Les? Hello. I was trying to get in touch with somebody about this show I auditioned for.
ED: Yeah. The Father Knows Best remake. How did you know?

[AG & MM's office]
MM: We need you guys to start writing episodes again.
AM: What?
AG: This is your chance to make up for your whole "Dallas" fiasco.
AM: My fiasco!?!?

[ED's trailer]
ED: Well I am still interested. You know, if the part hasn't been filled. [frowns] I understand. What? Well that's awfully flattering. No I didn't know Kristen had anything against tight spandex either.

[AG & MM's office]
AG: You heard us.
MM: Technically is wasn't our idea.
AG: And SDK is gone...
MM: So it's basically all your fault now.
AG: So what do you think?
AM: Write our own episodes? We got burned on this before.
MM: I know. But no more of this season 5.5 bull crap. We can guarantee your season will be official one this time.
AM: How about the only one?
AG: We realize some of you ended up working triple time.
MM: And you weren't extremely happy with where we took the story.
AG: But you all got a lot of valuable experience and this is your chance to take your characters where you want them to go again.
MM: There's only one plot point you absolutely have to follow.
AM: Does it have to do with Lois?
AG: No. You guys can do whatever you want with Lois. Put her at the Planet and give her a Pulitzer if you want.
MM: Just don't have her sleep her way to the top, OK?
AM: You haven't told Erica about this have you?
AG: No. Not yet. Why?

[ED's trailer]
ED: So Kristen decided she'd really rather have the part of the illegitimate daughter anyway? Why that's great!
ED: I know what I said before. It's just that I have... grave reservations about the direction the show is taking.
ED: Sure. I could sign a ... what did you called it again?
ED: A letter of interest. I've never heard of that before.
ED: Just fax a copy to my agent and...
ED: Oh. [Nervous pause.] I didn't know you were under such a time crunch.
[ED's fax machine starts printing]
ED: [Eyes the fax machine nerviously] I'd really rather my agent go over it first.
ED: Yes, of course I'm interested!

[AG & MM's office]
AM: I'd... I'd like to share the good news to her.. and all the cast myself.
AG: I knew we could count on you!
MM: There's just one thing...
AM: Oh, no.

[ED's trailer]
ED: [As she signs the paper] And so I'm under no obligation, right? No hard feelings if I end up deciding to stay with Smallville?
ED: [Puts the papers into the paper feed] It's just that I'd like to keep my options open in case I come to a new understanding with the producers. You know what I mean?
ED: [Presses the send button] OK. [As she watches as the pages feed through] What? [Frantically presses the stop button]
ED: You sent the wrong form?!?! [The fax machine starts spitting out the pages it's faxed.] What the hell did I sign?!?!
ED: [The last page of her signed letter comes through and ED picks it up to read.] Letter of intent?!?!

[AG & MM's office]
AM: [Shocked] Guys, that's a really bad idea...
MM: It's our one requirement.
AM: No. I don't think you understand. It's a really bad idea.
AG: It's not Smallville other wise.
AM: What part of really bad don't you understand?
AG: Let me put it this way. Without it the show doesn't go on.
AM: [gulps] You know it's not going to go over well. It's not going to go over well at all.
MM: We're used to things not going over well. When are you going to share the news?
AM: Well this last part? I think it's best to keep it under wraps as long as possible. It will make things easier if I write the premier.
AG: Understood.
AM: But I'll meet with the cast ASAP about writing episodes. We don't have much time.
MM: Great. We knew we could could on you.
AM: OK. [Exits]

[ED's trailer]
ED: What the hell did I just sign!?!?
ED: You're going to tear it up though, right?
ED: Right?
ED: Hello?
ED: Les?
ED: Hello?
ED: [Hangs up and starts reading the "Letter of intent"] Holy crap.

[AG & MM's office]
AG: She's going to screw us over, isn't she?
MM: Probably.
AG: Call up Erica. This might be our last chance to mess with her head again before Allison let's everybody know what's going on.
MM: [dialing] Great idea.

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