Some Impromptu Interviews

[Extreme close up of BS and then quick pans from jwm to BS as each talks]
BS: The strike over!?!?! What luck! I love it!!
jwm: Actually it's only a tentative...
BS: Now I can edit those bastards' scripts to my heart's content!
jwm: There's nothing official...
BS: Did you know there is a cigarette called Lucky Strike?
jwm: Um, Yes?
BS: I think I'm going to smoke a Lucky Strike right now! Do you think writers smoke Lucky Strikes? [Yelling out the door] Somebody get me a pack of Lucky Strikes!
jwm: I don't know.
BS: I bet they do now!
jwm: The strike isn't actually....
BS: [Yelling out the door] Where the hell are my smokes!?!?!?

[Cut to jwm whispering into the camera in front of a trailer]
jwm: Here we are in front of Tom Welling's trailer. Because his publicist wouldn't grant us an interview I'm hoping we can surprise him here. Maybe he'll answer a question or two.
[The trailer door opens. TW is talking on his phone]
TW: Allison, you don't understand just how bad things have gotten since you left... [noticing jwm and RB] Oh bloody hell! Alli, I'll have to call you back. [Calling out to a security guard] Who the hell let the paparazzi in!?!?
[The camera pans quickly to the guard who merely shrugs his shoulders and continues walking. It pans back to TW who looks quite irritated]
TW: Why do I feel like I'm on the LuthorCorp set?
jwm: Mr. Welling? I was hoping you could answer a couple...
TW: Is nothing sacred anymore?
jwm: ...questions about how an end to the writer's strike might affect the rest of the season.
TW: I'm trying just to mind my own business here. Please, just leave me alone. [Moves to close the door]
jwm: Just one question?
TW: Can't I get a moment's peace!?!?!
jwm: One question, please?
TW: [Pulls something out of his pocket and hands it to jwm] Here's a hundred dollars. Why don't you run along now, huh? All I ask is whatever you write about me is good.
jwm: But...
TW: [Reaching back into his pocket] Okay, fine. You drive a hard bargain. Five hundred dollars. [Looks into the camera.] Share some with your friend.
RB: Sweet!
jwm: But...
[TW shuts his trailer door]
jwm: OK. [pause] Perhaps we'll have better luck with Mr. Glover?
[The camera shakes back and forth]
jwm: Right. Erica then. [Starts to walking.]
RB [from off-screen]: Tom said to share.
jwm: Yeah, yeah.

[Cut to in front of another trailer. Again jwm whispers into the camera]
jwm: I thought we'd have a better chance landing an interview if Ms. Durance thought we were from askMen.com. And guess what? We're in!
RB: This isn't going to work.
jwm: Don't be such a pessimist. [to the camera] Erica thinks we're here to talk to her about being the 97th most desirable woman on the planet.
RB: [from off-screen] I can't believe Allison didn't make the list!
jwm: Just don't bring up Kristen and I think we'll be OK. [to the camera] Kristen beat Erica by nearly fifty spots![knocks on the door]
ED: Hello?
jwm: It's askMen.com!
ED: [Opens the door and looks at jwm and RB suspiciously] Are you sure you're from AskMen.com?
jwm: Yes, mam. We wondered how you think the possible end of the writer's strike might affect the show.
ED: 'Cause you look more like TWoPers to me.
jwm: Right. We get that a lot. Sister sites and all.
ED: Sister site? Really?
jwm: [shifts nervously] How do you feel about the strike possibly ending soon?
ED: It's almost over? Crap! And here I've been working my ass off for weeks on a script I don't even like!
jwm: What's wrong with it?
ED: It's based on Bryan's stupid outline. [Holds up an outline with red frowny faces scribbled all over it] Stupid jerk!
jwm: If you hate it so much why are you following his outline?
ED: He already fired Allison. What choice do I have?
jwm: You could quit in protest.
ED: And give up being the sexiest Lois Lane ever?
jwm: Are you sure that should be your highest priority for the character?
ED: [pauses] You're not really from askMen.com, are you.
jwm: [coughs] Of course we are.
[The camera points towards the ground]
RB: What gave us away?
jwm: Bob!!!
[The camera focuses back on ED]
ED: Maybe the little fact I was 97th last year!
jwm: That was last year?
ED: Yes!
jwm: Oh. [pause] Well how do you feel about your spot this year.
ED: This year!?!? I didn't even make the list this year! Your website sucks!
[The camera points towards the ground again]
RB: Actually it isn't our website.
ED: The website you pretend is yours sucks!!!
RB: Did Allison make this year's list?
[ED's door slams shut]
ED: [muffled yelling] It's all Bryan's fault! Bastard! Stupid pregnancy plot line! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Arrrggghhh!
RB: I told you it wasn't going to work.
jwm: Shut up.
RB: When are you going to give me my split of Tom's money?
jwm: Just turn off the camera, please.

[Cut to a close up of KK]
KK: Hello, my name is Kristen Kreuk and I'm a writer for Smallville.
jwm: And, of course, you used to star on the show.
KK: Do you want the interview or not?
jwm: Of course we want the interview!
KK: The minute I hear any reference to Lana the interview is over. Understand?
jwm: OK. Well our main question has to do with how you think an end to the writer's strike might effect the show.
KK: Frankly I don't give a damn.
jwm: Even if you don't care you might have an opinion as to what might happen.
KK: No effect. We aren't union writers. We'll continue to write and Bryan will continue to be a pain in our ass until we either get him fired or kill him. Whichever comes first.
jwm: You all might kill him?
KK: Did I say we might kill him? That was off the record.
jwm: How have you enjoyed the switch from actress to writer?
KK: Immensely. The most fun I've ever had.
jwm: It's rumored you and Allison Mack bumped heads a few times in the writers' room this season. Any truth to that?
KK: I've bumped heads with everyone in the writers' room this season.
MR: [from off screen] Psst! Kristen!
[The camera swings to show MR skulking in a doorway. Seeing the camera he puts his hand in front of his face]
MR: Stop it.
jwm: Micheal Rosenbaum! Can we ask you a question or two?
MR: Keep it down![MR runs]
jwm: After him!
[The camera weaves wildly as RB chases MR through the lot]
MR: Dammit! Stop drawing attention to me! You idiots!
jwm: [Shouting] Mr. Rosenbaum, any comments regarding the writer's strike?
AoT: [From far off] There he is! Erica! Tom! I've found him!
MR: [Running faster] Damn you two!
[AoT comes in fast from the side slamming into the camera. It lands on its side on the ground. AoT catches MR and picks him up over her head.]
AoT: You're dead Micheal! You hear me? Dead!
ED: Save a piece for me!
RB: I knew this was a bad idea.
[AoT heaves a screaming MR towards the camera.]
MR: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
[MR lands on the camera face first and the picture goes to static]

Next