[AG & MM's office. They sift through face shots of various actresses.]
MM: Now she's hot.
AG: She is hot! [pause] But does she look Kryptonian?
MM: No. [Throws picture to the floor] No. [Throws picture to the floor.]
AG: Wow.
MM: Now God gave her two handfuls... I mean with two hands!
AG: Indeed. Check her application. Will she do shower scenes?
[There's a knock on the door]
MM: Come in!
[AM enters]
AG: Allison! Come in, come in! Have a seat.
[AM sits.]
MM: So... how'd it go?
AM: It... not so well.
AG: Mmmm... which part.
AM: Which part do you think?!?!
MM: Really? Because Kristen hasn't come by screaming for our heads yet.
AM: That's because she's been scheming.
AG: Against us?
AM: Of course against us! I really need you guys to watch my back from now on.
MM: Watch your back?
AM: Yeah, she's after me!
AG: Wait, when I said "us" I meant Miles and me "us". Not us and Allison "us."
AM: I don't know. She's probably after everybody. But primarily it's me.
MM: Well that's a relief.
AM: What are you talking about? You have my back don't you?
AG: Heh, your back? Look, Allison it's bad business to have favorites among the cast...
MM: You all have to settle your squabbles amongst yourselves.
AM: Amongst ourselves? I stuck my neck way out for you two and my head is about to get loped off for it! The least you could do is...
AG: Allison, really, I wish there was something we could do.
AM: So that's how it is? You're just going to leave me twisting in the wind?
MM: That's a little harsh, don't you think?
AM: You miserable, spineless, gutless...
AG: Seriously, Allison, you aren't going to alienate your only allies are you?
AM: Allies?
MM: Look, we need you're help on something.
AM: Oh, no. I'm not lifting another finger for...
AG: We're looking for a replacement for Erica.
AM: And you want my input?
MM: Sure. What do you think of... Supergirl?
AM: Supergirl?
AG: Sure! Short skirt, bare mid riff. What's not to like?
AM: Supergirl?
MM: The perfect replacement for Lois!
AM: Supergirl?
AG: You don't like it.
AM: I just thought maybe we could use someone who would further develop the other characters.
MM: Like... who?
AM: I don't know. Maybe someone who works at the Planet. An editor or something.
AG: We thought about that.
AM: Well that's what we should do then!
MM: We decided against it.
AM: What? Why?
AG: What's the point with Lois gone?
AM: Huh? What the hell are you talking about?
MM: There's no triangle.
AM: Excuse me?
AG: An editor sounded like a good I idea for Lois' love interest but with her out...
MM: What's the point, really?
AM: What's the point? Of creating a role for the boss of one main character and probably the future boss of another?
AG: Exactly! What is the point? Where's the triangle?
AM: Where's the triangle? There's no triangle for Supergirl!
AG: Sure there is.
AM: With her cousin?
MM: No. Ew.
AG: With Jimmy!
AM: Jimmy? But he's...
MM: Welcome to the triangle, Allison!
AM: No.
AG: It's going to be great!
AM: [Getting up to leave] This is not happening!
MM: People are going to love it! Love it!
AM: [Exiting] This is a nightmare!
AG: [Yelling after her] Love it!
[The door slams. MM returns his attention to the head shots]
MM: Now she's hot!
AG: Not Kristen hot, though.
MM: Of course not, nobody is Kristen hot.
[The both turn to look at a Smallville poster on the wall featuring KK and sigh simultaneously.]
Next
An Impromptu Interview with CV!KK
Another in a series of fictional interviews.
[KK storms out of the writing room and sees me drinking some coffee and talking with Phantomchic]
KK: You. Interview. Now.
Maniac64: *gulp* Um okay. Did something happen in there? [KK just glares back at the door] Are you sure you don’t want until you’ve calmed down a little?
KK: NOW!
M: *leaping to my feet* okay okay I’m coming. [we go off a little ways to sit down]
KK: Okay now ask your question.
M: But I don’t even know what’s going on? What am I supposed to be asking about?
KK: What do you think.
M: [getting more nervous] Um…is something wrong with the first episode?
KK: Allison Mack screwed me over that’s what went wrong!
M: She what? How?
KK: She brought Lana back to life! She brought her back in an episode I was supposed to be co-writing and she didn’t even tell me!
M: Wait, Lana’s back? I thought you said…
KK: I know what I said damn it! And I meant it, and you know what?! She’s going to pay for this.
M: Your not going to hurt me like JG would, are you?
KK: The only one I’m going to hurt is Mack. For her there is going to be hell to pay. So I’m giving an apology right now to all the Chloe fans out there for what I’m going to do to that character.
M: Oh my.
KK: [spotting MR coming out of the writer’s room] Michael! Get over here!
MR: [walking slowly and warily] Uh hi Kristen. You know I had nothing to do with Lana coming back right?
KK: I know that you idiot. Now you don’t like how Allison wrote Lex this episode right?
MR: Uh KK. Didn’t you help right all of that?
KK: Oh please, I didn’t care about anything. Allison basically wrote the whole episode, I just gave my opinions here and there. Besides, Allison will keep writing him like that, while I’m willing to be on your side.
MR: All right, I’m listening.
KK: I’m just saying. You’d like to get a little revenge on her for all the stuff she’s done to Lex and for causing the last season and all of its horrible storylines right?
MR: [warily] I guess so.
KK: Listen Michael. You’re either with me or against me, so I’m going to need a little more than “I guess so”.
MR: [nodding quickly] I’m with you, I’m totally with you. Whatever you say.
KK: Much better.
MR: [really getting into it] You and me versus Allison. We’ll make her pay for what she’s done. Death to Allison Mack!
KK: Okay Michael, that’s enough.
MR: Huh? Oh sorry. So did you have something in mind?
KK: I might have a few ideas. Come on, let’s talk someplace more…private. [They start to walk off]
M: Um so is that it for the interview?
KK: What? Oh yeah the interview. Uh…oh I’ve got one more thing. I am officially declaring that the co-writer on my first episode will be John Glover. [KK turns and starts walking again]
M: John Glover, got it. [looks again] Kristen Kreuk and John Glover. Oh God.
MR: [walking down the hall with KK] John? Seriously?! You want to write with him? The guy’s insane!
KK: No, the guy is pissed. Just like me.
MR: [suddenly nervous again] Oh. Right.
[KK and MR turn the corner and are out of hearing distance. AoT walks out followed by AM who is talking with TW.]
TW: So you don't think that went bad?
AM: Not really. I mean I know it was bad, but honestly? I was expecting worse. She didn't even attack me.
M: You were expecting worse?
AM: What? Um, who are you again?
M: Maniac64. I'm one of the people following Kristen. I also just finished an interview with her.
AM: Really? What did she say?
M: Mostly that she's pissed at you for bringing Lana back and that she is going to make you pay.
AM: [looking a little nervous] I'm not worried. I mean it's only Kristen, she couldn't do that much harm right? [looking pleadingly at TW].
M: Oh, and did I mention that she and Michael just left to go plot against you?
AM: [looking nervously at me] Kristen and Michael? [swallowing nervously] Okay, that is worse. Anything else?
M: Let's see...Oh yeah. She announced that John will be co-writing her first episode.
AM: [absolutely terrified] John and Kristen! Oh God. [to TW] What have I done?
TW: I'm sure it won't be anything that bad. I mean John doesn't really have anything against you, at least not more than anyone else. Right? [AM looks around guility] What did you do?
AM: You don't want to know.
TW: Wait. [shocked realization] You didn't?
AM: I did.
TW: Oh man.
AM: I am so dead. [AM goes running down the hall after KK and MR shouting.] Wait! Kristen I’m sorry! I’m really really sorry! [TW shakes his head and walks off, JG walks out of the writer's room reading the script and looking very upset.]
JG: I can't believe I'm back on this show. This is a travesty. It's completely unacceptable!
M: Um, excuse me. Mr. Glover?
JG: What!?! Oh great, another of you reporters. Do I need to stick you in a dumpster too?
M: [terrified] Please don't. I just wanted to tell you that Kristen announced that she would like you to be the co-writer on her first episode.
JG: [a grin appears on his face] Really? [I nod nervously] Do you know where she is now?
M: Um...she left a little bit ago with Michael in order to plot against Allison.
JG: Michael and Kristen are plotting against Allison? Hmm...maybe this whole fiasco won't be quite as bad as I thought.
M: [Watching JG walk off] Oh man. This is going to be bad.
Next
[KK storms out of the writing room and sees me drinking some coffee and talking with Phantomchic]
KK: You. Interview. Now.
Maniac64: *gulp* Um okay. Did something happen in there? [KK just glares back at the door] Are you sure you don’t want until you’ve calmed down a little?
KK: NOW!
M: *leaping to my feet* okay okay I’m coming. [we go off a little ways to sit down]
KK: Okay now ask your question.
M: But I don’t even know what’s going on? What am I supposed to be asking about?
KK: What do you think.
M: [getting more nervous] Um…is something wrong with the first episode?
KK: Allison Mack screwed me over that’s what went wrong!
M: She what? How?
KK: She brought Lana back to life! She brought her back in an episode I was supposed to be co-writing and she didn’t even tell me!
M: Wait, Lana’s back? I thought you said…
KK: I know what I said damn it! And I meant it, and you know what?! She’s going to pay for this.
M: Your not going to hurt me like JG would, are you?
KK: The only one I’m going to hurt is Mack. For her there is going to be hell to pay. So I’m giving an apology right now to all the Chloe fans out there for what I’m going to do to that character.
M: Oh my.
KK: [spotting MR coming out of the writer’s room] Michael! Get over here!
MR: [walking slowly and warily] Uh hi Kristen. You know I had nothing to do with Lana coming back right?
KK: I know that you idiot. Now you don’t like how Allison wrote Lex this episode right?
MR: Uh KK. Didn’t you help right all of that?
KK: Oh please, I didn’t care about anything. Allison basically wrote the whole episode, I just gave my opinions here and there. Besides, Allison will keep writing him like that, while I’m willing to be on your side.
MR: All right, I’m listening.
KK: I’m just saying. You’d like to get a little revenge on her for all the stuff she’s done to Lex and for causing the last season and all of its horrible storylines right?
MR: [warily] I guess so.
KK: Listen Michael. You’re either with me or against me, so I’m going to need a little more than “I guess so”.
MR: [nodding quickly] I’m with you, I’m totally with you. Whatever you say.
KK: Much better.
MR: [really getting into it] You and me versus Allison. We’ll make her pay for what she’s done. Death to Allison Mack!
KK: Okay Michael, that’s enough.
MR: Huh? Oh sorry. So did you have something in mind?
KK: I might have a few ideas. Come on, let’s talk someplace more…private. [They start to walk off]
M: Um so is that it for the interview?
KK: What? Oh yeah the interview. Uh…oh I’ve got one more thing. I am officially declaring that the co-writer on my first episode will be John Glover. [KK turns and starts walking again]
M: John Glover, got it. [looks again] Kristen Kreuk and John Glover. Oh God.
MR: [walking down the hall with KK] John? Seriously?! You want to write with him? The guy’s insane!
KK: No, the guy is pissed. Just like me.
MR: [suddenly nervous again] Oh. Right.
[KK and MR turn the corner and are out of hearing distance. AoT walks out followed by AM who is talking with TW.]
TW: So you don't think that went bad?
AM: Not really. I mean I know it was bad, but honestly? I was expecting worse. She didn't even attack me.
M: You were expecting worse?
AM: What? Um, who are you again?
M: Maniac64. I'm one of the people following Kristen. I also just finished an interview with her.
AM: Really? What did she say?
M: Mostly that she's pissed at you for bringing Lana back and that she is going to make you pay.
AM: [looking a little nervous] I'm not worried. I mean it's only Kristen, she couldn't do that much harm right? [looking pleadingly at TW].
M: Oh, and did I mention that she and Michael just left to go plot against you?
AM: [looking nervously at me] Kristen and Michael? [swallowing nervously] Okay, that is worse. Anything else?
M: Let's see...Oh yeah. She announced that John will be co-writing her first episode.
AM: [absolutely terrified] John and Kristen! Oh God. [to TW] What have I done?
TW: I'm sure it won't be anything that bad. I mean John doesn't really have anything against you, at least not more than anyone else. Right? [AM looks around guility] What did you do?
AM: You don't want to know.
TW: Wait. [shocked realization] You didn't?
AM: I did.
TW: Oh man.
AM: I am so dead. [AM goes running down the hall after KK and MR shouting.] Wait! Kristen I’m sorry! I’m really really sorry! [TW shakes his head and walks off, JG walks out of the writer's room reading the script and looking very upset.]
JG: I can't believe I'm back on this show. This is a travesty. It's completely unacceptable!
M: Um, excuse me. Mr. Glover?
JG: What!?! Oh great, another of you reporters. Do I need to stick you in a dumpster too?
M: [terrified] Please don't. I just wanted to tell you that Kristen announced that she would like you to be the co-writer on her first episode.
JG: [a grin appears on his face] Really? [I nod nervously] Do you know where she is now?
M: Um...she left a little bit ago with Michael in order to plot against Allison.
JG: Michael and Kristen are plotting against Allison? Hmm...maybe this whole fiasco won't be quite as bad as I thought.
M: [Watching JG walk off] Oh man. This is going to be bad.
Next
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part VII)
as retold by jwm
AM: It's no big deal. Al and Miles asked me to add this one scene. Just to, you know, tie everything back to the beginning of the episode.
KK: Al and Miles?!?!
AM: It really doesn't make sense if we never get back to the funeral, don't you think?
KK: I suppose...
AM: So let's just start reading...
KK: When did you add this?
AM: I don't know. Yesterday maybe? I thought I sent you a copy in email?
KK: I didn't see one.
AM: Hmm.. Anyway, back to the funeral. The attendants slowly disperse as the casket is lowered into the ground. Lionel approaches a lone figure standing off away from the crowd.
KK: Ah, Lois. I knew they wouldn't let you kill her.
MR: Lois isn't really dead? I thought Erica was off the show. We didn't kill her?
TW: Don't be ridiculous, you can't kill Lois.
AoT: You can't kill Lois any more than you can kill Clark or Lex or... Lana.
KK: Oh, but you can kill Lana. We did kill Lana.
AM: Lionel stands next to the mysterious figure...
KK: Of Lois.
AM: ...cut to show them from the back. Lionel is irritated, "I told you for this to work no one can see you. Not Clark, not Chloe, and especially not Lex. You've jeopardized our plan just by being here! Do you want to ruin everything we're working for?"
AM: Cut to Clark and Chloe walking away together in silence. Clark stops and looks in the direction of Lionel and the figure. Chloe asks him, "What is it Clark?"
TW: He's going to use his super hearing to figure out who it is!
AM: Actually no.
TW: No? Why not?
AM: Can't Clark afford people a bit of privacy in this time of morning?
TW: You just don't want him to know Lois is still alive!
JG: Lois can't be alive! If Erica is going to screw me over Lois must die!
AM: Clark hesitates for a second and then turns and continues walking, "Nothing." As they walk together Chloe continues to look behind her at them for a few seconds.
KK: Ah, so now Chloe knows Lois is alive.
TW: That's completely not fair! Clark is the one with super hearing!
AM: Chloe doesn't know anything Clark doesn't know.
JG: Come on, Chloe's not a complete idiot...
AM: I mean about what's going on here.
TW: Clark isn't a complete idiot!
AM: The figure turns to face Lionel. We see Lana in profile.
KK: What!?!?
AM: "I'm sorry, I just had to see him one more time."
KK: Lana is dead!!!! D - E - A - D. As in as a door knob.
JG: Apparently not. She and Lionel pulled one over on old Lex.
MR: I feel so used.
KK: You feel used?!?! Allison! How could you? I trusted you, dammit!
AM: I'm sorry, Kristen. It was the only way Al and Miles would allow the show to go on.
KK: Then the show doesn't. Fucking. Go. On!
TW: But the show must go on.
KK: Shut the fuck up, Tom! How dare you, Allison!?!? [KK throws her script at AM, sending paper flying everywhere. She stands and heads for the door.]
AM: Kristen, I...
KK: You do know what this means, don't you Mack? [KK opens the door to the writers' room]
AM: I'm sorry. Like I said...
KK: This means war!!! [KK points at AM.] You're going to pay, Allison. [She starts pointing around the room] You're all going to pay!
MR: Don't lump me in with... [KK gives MR the evil eye and MR gulps.]
KK: You've been warned. Nobody crosses Kristen Kreuk! Nobody! [KK storms out, slamming the door shut behind her.]
AM: And fade to black.
[The cast sit in silence for a moment]
MR: Wow.
JG: Damn. That woman is scary.
AoT: If she was just a little bigger she'd make for a good wrestling diva.
JG: [Putting his hand in front of AoT] Look! My hand is shaking.
[A few moments of uncomfortable silence]
MR: Wow.
[A couple of seconds more silence]
TW: Allison, do you have any idea what you just got yourself into?
MR: How about what she got us into?
[AM contemplates the situation for a moment]
AM: Actually, she took it a lot better than I thought she would.
fini
Next
AM: It's no big deal. Al and Miles asked me to add this one scene. Just to, you know, tie everything back to the beginning of the episode.
KK: Al and Miles?!?!
AM: It really doesn't make sense if we never get back to the funeral, don't you think?
KK: I suppose...
AM: So let's just start reading...
KK: When did you add this?
AM: I don't know. Yesterday maybe? I thought I sent you a copy in email?
KK: I didn't see one.
AM: Hmm.. Anyway, back to the funeral. The attendants slowly disperse as the casket is lowered into the ground. Lionel approaches a lone figure standing off away from the crowd.
KK: Ah, Lois. I knew they wouldn't let you kill her.
MR: Lois isn't really dead? I thought Erica was off the show. We didn't kill her?
TW: Don't be ridiculous, you can't kill Lois.
AoT: You can't kill Lois any more than you can kill Clark or Lex or... Lana.
KK: Oh, but you can kill Lana. We did kill Lana.
AM: Lionel stands next to the mysterious figure...
KK: Of Lois.
AM: ...cut to show them from the back. Lionel is irritated, "I told you for this to work no one can see you. Not Clark, not Chloe, and especially not Lex. You've jeopardized our plan just by being here! Do you want to ruin everything we're working for?"
AM: Cut to Clark and Chloe walking away together in silence. Clark stops and looks in the direction of Lionel and the figure. Chloe asks him, "What is it Clark?"
TW: He's going to use his super hearing to figure out who it is!
AM: Actually no.
TW: No? Why not?
AM: Can't Clark afford people a bit of privacy in this time of morning?
TW: You just don't want him to know Lois is still alive!
JG: Lois can't be alive! If Erica is going to screw me over Lois must die!
AM: Clark hesitates for a second and then turns and continues walking, "Nothing." As they walk together Chloe continues to look behind her at them for a few seconds.
KK: Ah, so now Chloe knows Lois is alive.
TW: That's completely not fair! Clark is the one with super hearing!
AM: Chloe doesn't know anything Clark doesn't know.
JG: Come on, Chloe's not a complete idiot...
AM: I mean about what's going on here.
TW: Clark isn't a complete idiot!
AM: The figure turns to face Lionel. We see Lana in profile.
KK: What!?!?
AM: "I'm sorry, I just had to see him one more time."
KK: Lana is dead!!!! D - E - A - D. As in as a door knob.
JG: Apparently not. She and Lionel pulled one over on old Lex.
MR: I feel so used.
KK: You feel used?!?! Allison! How could you? I trusted you, dammit!
AM: I'm sorry, Kristen. It was the only way Al and Miles would allow the show to go on.
KK: Then the show doesn't. Fucking. Go. On!
TW: But the show must go on.
KK: Shut the fuck up, Tom! How dare you, Allison!?!? [KK throws her script at AM, sending paper flying everywhere. She stands and heads for the door.]
AM: Kristen, I...
KK: You do know what this means, don't you Mack? [KK opens the door to the writers' room]
AM: I'm sorry. Like I said...
KK: This means war!!! [KK points at AM.] You're going to pay, Allison. [She starts pointing around the room] You're all going to pay!
MR: Don't lump me in with... [KK gives MR the evil eye and MR gulps.]
KK: You've been warned. Nobody crosses Kristen Kreuk! Nobody! [KK storms out, slamming the door shut behind her.]
AM: And fade to black.
[The cast sit in silence for a moment]
MR: Wow.
JG: Damn. That woman is scary.
AoT: If she was just a little bigger she'd make for a good wrestling diva.
JG: [Putting his hand in front of AoT] Look! My hand is shaking.
[A few moments of uncomfortable silence]
MR: Wow.
[A couple of seconds more silence]
TW: Allison, do you have any idea what you just got yourself into?
MR: How about what she got us into?
[AM contemplates the situation for a moment]
AM: Actually, she took it a lot better than I thought she would.
fini
Next
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part VI)
as retold by jwm
AM: Chloe hasn't cut anyone's head open!
MR: Maybe not yet.
AM: And she's not going to!
JG: How can you be so sure?
AM: That's not how her ability works! She heals people by taking the wound or infection upon herself.
TW: Maybe she's a non-lethal Sylar.
AoT: Or a greedy Peter Petrelli.
AM: A greedy who?
KK: Peter can absorb the powers of people around him.
MR: But he doesn't actually take them away from the other person.
AoT: That's the greedy part.
AM: I can't believe you'd call Chloe greedy! She's the most giving character on the show!
MR: Not anymore, apparently. She's a power hoarder!
AM: She is not! She's helping people!
MR: Oh, sure, "Hey, got a cool meteor power? Let me help you take it off your hands."
AM: It's not like that!
MR: Whatever.
AM: It's not!
KK: Can we cut to DC?
AM: Tell them it's not like that, Kristen.
KK: The whole Chloe power thing is your ball of wax, Allison. Leave me out of it.
AM: You said it was cool!
KK: Yeah, well so is cutting people's heads open and extracting their brains to consume their power.
AM: That's not cool! It's sick and demented!
KK: But cool none the less. Can we cut to DC?
AM: I can't believe you!
KK: I'm going to cut to DC now. OK?
TW: Let's cut to DC, OK?
AoT: I think we should, don't you, Allison?
AM: Fine, whatever.
KK: Cut to DC.
AM: Mister Mutant is describing what life is like for a freak.
KK: Throw in a little irony about how most people have no idea what life is like always being afraid some one will discover that you or someone close to you is different.
AM: Feeling like you always have to live a lie because other people won't accept you.
KK: Or even worse, fear you or try to take advantage of your abilities. Almost everyone in his organization are so deeply afraid of these things they haven chosen to remain underground. The truth is he continually has to watch his back.
AM: Martha wonders why he would come to her. She's just a freshman senator -- not only was she not even elected the term she was appointed to fill will expire shortly. Right now she's more worried about finding her way around town and getting ready for the election than trying to move the machinery of legislation.
KK: Mister Mutant asks Martha why she's in office. Is it to rub elbows with the rich and powerful and secure her own place there or to actually help those who aren't able to help themselves.
AoT: Oh, he's a crafty SOB.
AM: That hits Martha where it hurts. She'll do what she can but again the why me question.
KK: Martha represents the largest population of mutated people in the country, possibly the world. She's the obvious choice.
AM: Martha is non-committal.
KK: Mister Mutant implores her. What if her son or daughter woke up with strange abilities tomorrow? Wouldn't she want to live in a world where he didn't have to feel like he needed to hide who he was?
AM: Martha tells him she'll do all she can to help.
AoT: I want you two to know that just because you cut it into three pieces the fact that Martha is basically in only one scene hasn't escaped my notice.
TW: They did the same thing with Clark fighting Bizarro!
MR: And Lex whining about Lana!
AM: It's not like Chloe does anything outside that room in the hospital.
JG: This whole episode sucks! It's what? Just three extra long scenes?
KK: There's the funeral at the beginning.
JG: That doesn't count, that's the damn teaser.
KK: There's the...
AM: It's not worth it, Kristen. It's enough for us to know we wrote a good episode.
JG: Let me get you a life jacket.
KK: Why would we need a life jacket?
JG: A simple safety precaution if the two of you insist on remaining in De Nile.
[MR smirks and TW grins. AM glares an JG winks.]
KK: The medical center.
AM: Lionel is talking with Clark outside Chloe's room.
KK: She's in the background smiling her herself. Rehash the dialogue from the teaser.
AM: Lionel tells Clark he's worried about Chloe. She's acting oddly. He hesitates and then informs Clark no one has told Chloe about Lois yet. He asks if Clark saw any signs of life in the facility.
KK: Clark says he didn't.
AM: Lionel says someone needs to let Chloe know what happened and it might be better coming from Clark.
KK: Clark says he'll do it.
AM: Lex in jail. He's trying to see if there is anyway he can make an end run around Lionel.
KK: But Lionel planned things carefully. Lex is stuck in jail for the time being.
AM: He flies into a rage and other inmates look at him with trepidation.
KK: Two guards threaten him. He needs to calm down.
AM: He threatens their lives, their homes, their families. If they lay on a hand on him he'll see to it personally that when he gets out their lives will be ruined.
KK: The guards look at each other for a second. They believe Lex will follow through.
AM: But they have a job to do and they subdue him, dragging him back to his cell.
KK: Back to Chloe sitting in the hospital smiling to herself.
AM: Clark enters. She perks up, "I have something to tell you!"
KK: Clark looks sad. "I have something to tell you too, Chloe." He takes Chloe's hand. We hear Clark's voice in telepathy mode, "I hope she takes this OK. Lois was so important to her."
AM: Chloe pulls her hand away, afraid of the news. "What's wrong with Lois?"
KK: Clark touches her arm but we don't hear what he's thinking this time.
AM: Chloe's face contorts in grief. She tears up, "No, it can't be."
KK: Clark pulls her towards him and embraces her, "I'm sorry, Chloe."
AM: End the scene with Chloe's face buried in Clark's neck and shoulder as tears stream down her face.
KK: And go to black.
AM: Actually no.
KK: No? [Flipping through her script] That's the last scene on my script.
MR: Not on mine.
KK: What?
TW: Yeah, mine has another scene at the funeral.
KK: Really?
[AoT shows KK her copy of the script.]
KK: OK, Allison, what are you up to?
continued...
AM: Chloe hasn't cut anyone's head open!
MR: Maybe not yet.
AM: And she's not going to!
JG: How can you be so sure?
AM: That's not how her ability works! She heals people by taking the wound or infection upon herself.
TW: Maybe she's a non-lethal Sylar.
AoT: Or a greedy Peter Petrelli.
AM: A greedy who?
KK: Peter can absorb the powers of people around him.
MR: But he doesn't actually take them away from the other person.
AoT: That's the greedy part.
AM: I can't believe you'd call Chloe greedy! She's the most giving character on the show!
MR: Not anymore, apparently. She's a power hoarder!
AM: She is not! She's helping people!
MR: Oh, sure, "Hey, got a cool meteor power? Let me help you take it off your hands."
AM: It's not like that!
MR: Whatever.
AM: It's not!
KK: Can we cut to DC?
AM: Tell them it's not like that, Kristen.
KK: The whole Chloe power thing is your ball of wax, Allison. Leave me out of it.
AM: You said it was cool!
KK: Yeah, well so is cutting people's heads open and extracting their brains to consume their power.
AM: That's not cool! It's sick and demented!
KK: But cool none the less. Can we cut to DC?
AM: I can't believe you!
KK: I'm going to cut to DC now. OK?
TW: Let's cut to DC, OK?
AoT: I think we should, don't you, Allison?
AM: Fine, whatever.
KK: Cut to DC.
AM: Mister Mutant is describing what life is like for a freak.
KK: Throw in a little irony about how most people have no idea what life is like always being afraid some one will discover that you or someone close to you is different.
AM: Feeling like you always have to live a lie because other people won't accept you.
KK: Or even worse, fear you or try to take advantage of your abilities. Almost everyone in his organization are so deeply afraid of these things they haven chosen to remain underground. The truth is he continually has to watch his back.
AM: Martha wonders why he would come to her. She's just a freshman senator -- not only was she not even elected the term she was appointed to fill will expire shortly. Right now she's more worried about finding her way around town and getting ready for the election than trying to move the machinery of legislation.
KK: Mister Mutant asks Martha why she's in office. Is it to rub elbows with the rich and powerful and secure her own place there or to actually help those who aren't able to help themselves.
AoT: Oh, he's a crafty SOB.
AM: That hits Martha where it hurts. She'll do what she can but again the why me question.
KK: Martha represents the largest population of mutated people in the country, possibly the world. She's the obvious choice.
AM: Martha is non-committal.
KK: Mister Mutant implores her. What if her son or daughter woke up with strange abilities tomorrow? Wouldn't she want to live in a world where he didn't have to feel like he needed to hide who he was?
AM: Martha tells him she'll do all she can to help.
AoT: I want you two to know that just because you cut it into three pieces the fact that Martha is basically in only one scene hasn't escaped my notice.
TW: They did the same thing with Clark fighting Bizarro!
MR: And Lex whining about Lana!
AM: It's not like Chloe does anything outside that room in the hospital.
JG: This whole episode sucks! It's what? Just three extra long scenes?
KK: There's the funeral at the beginning.
JG: That doesn't count, that's the damn teaser.
KK: There's the...
AM: It's not worth it, Kristen. It's enough for us to know we wrote a good episode.
JG: Let me get you a life jacket.
KK: Why would we need a life jacket?
JG: A simple safety precaution if the two of you insist on remaining in De Nile.
[MR smirks and TW grins. AM glares an JG winks.]
KK: The medical center.
AM: Lionel is talking with Clark outside Chloe's room.
KK: She's in the background smiling her herself. Rehash the dialogue from the teaser.
AM: Lionel tells Clark he's worried about Chloe. She's acting oddly. He hesitates and then informs Clark no one has told Chloe about Lois yet. He asks if Clark saw any signs of life in the facility.
KK: Clark says he didn't.
AM: Lionel says someone needs to let Chloe know what happened and it might be better coming from Clark.
KK: Clark says he'll do it.
AM: Lex in jail. He's trying to see if there is anyway he can make an end run around Lionel.
KK: But Lionel planned things carefully. Lex is stuck in jail for the time being.
AM: He flies into a rage and other inmates look at him with trepidation.
KK: Two guards threaten him. He needs to calm down.
AM: He threatens their lives, their homes, their families. If they lay on a hand on him he'll see to it personally that when he gets out their lives will be ruined.
KK: The guards look at each other for a second. They believe Lex will follow through.
AM: But they have a job to do and they subdue him, dragging him back to his cell.
KK: Back to Chloe sitting in the hospital smiling to herself.
AM: Clark enters. She perks up, "I have something to tell you!"
KK: Clark looks sad. "I have something to tell you too, Chloe." He takes Chloe's hand. We hear Clark's voice in telepathy mode, "I hope she takes this OK. Lois was so important to her."
AM: Chloe pulls her hand away, afraid of the news. "What's wrong with Lois?"
KK: Clark touches her arm but we don't hear what he's thinking this time.
AM: Chloe's face contorts in grief. She tears up, "No, it can't be."
KK: Clark pulls her towards him and embraces her, "I'm sorry, Chloe."
AM: End the scene with Chloe's face buried in Clark's neck and shoulder as tears stream down her face.
KK: And go to black.
AM: Actually no.
KK: No? [Flipping through her script] That's the last scene on my script.
MR: Not on mine.
KK: What?
TW: Yeah, mine has another scene at the funeral.
KK: Really?
[AoT shows KK her copy of the script.]
KK: OK, Allison, what are you up to?
continued...
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part V)
as retold by jwm
JG: If it makes you feel better pretend he's just being dramatic for the benefit of the trial.
MR: Yeah, that's a good idea!
KK: Lex Luthor, everyone's favorite drama queen.
MR: Shut up!
AM: Next we have our heroic Clark scene.
TW: Yay!
KK: Heat vision and super breath...
AM: Combined with a few huge boulders...
JG: Make for the most bizarre sex scene in the history of Smallville.
KK: Shut up, John.
AM: It makes for a temporary patch to the dam.
KK: With the dam fixed he saves a few stray people who were stranded by the flood.
AM: Not to mention saving a few puppies or kittens.
KK: He doesn't save any puppies or kittens!
AM: Why not? Everybody loves puppies and kittens.
KK: He's got more important things to do!
AM: What could be more important than saving sweet fluffy puppies?
MR: Fluffy? After a flood?
AM: After Clark blow dries their fur with super breath.
TW: Clark is not blow drying puppies!
AM: How about kittens?
TW: No!
AM: Tom, you're such a stick in the mud!
TW: Don't you think Clark's time would be better spent checking on Chloe or Lois or trying to find out what happened to Lana?
KK: Lana is dead. There's nothing to check on there.
TW: He could look for Lois...
AM: Which reminds me. At the end of this scene Clark super speeds away and the camera pans over to focus on Lois' jacket caught up in some debris.
TW: Clark would have seen that!
AM: He was preoccupied saving puppies!
TW: That's ridiculous...
KK: Tom is right. There's something more important than blow drying puppies.
AM: There is?
KK: He has to go confront Lex about Lana's death again.
TW: Oh, come on! Didn't he already do that?
AM: They didn't really finish. The phantom interrupted them.
JG: It was confrontus interruptus.
KK: So naturally Clark as to go finish what he started.
AM: And Lex will deny it with such grace and flair...
KK: That Clark almost believes him.
AM: Until Lex starts laying it on a little too thick and implying that Lana's death is Clark's fault.
TW: How exactly could it be Lana's fault?
KK: Isn't everything Clark's fault?
TW: Yeah, yeah, I know the idiot is going to blame himself -- but it will all be about not having told her his secret. How is Lex going to hit that button?
AM: Hmm... how is he going to do that? Without it looking like Lex was behind it?
MR: Shove the blame on Lionel as usual.
JG: Hey, if Lionel was the one who killed Lana that's great with me. The magnificent bastard is back in business.
AM: Lex can talk about how he was obviously set up to take the fall. How convenient it was for the police found him at the dam. The fact that Lionel almost instantly took control of Luthorcorp and cut off all access to legal council? Lionel even saw to it that Lex didn't have the assets to make bail.
KK: Yeah, that's good.
MR: Lex can't even make bail? That's bullshit!
JG: Lionel couldn't make bail in season three, and that was for a murder over twenty years ago.
MR: That was bullshit too!
JG: I didn't see you raise a fuss then.
MR: We weren't in charge of the story back then!
JG: We had no influence?
[the cast glance nervously around the table at each other and sit in silence for a moment.]
AM: John...
JG: I'm sorry. I won't speak of it again.
KK: So, does Clark believe Lex or not?
MR: Absolutely.
TW: Hell no!
AM: I think he believes him.
TW: Why? Clark said Lex would feed Lana to the wolves just to spite him.
AM: And Chloe said Lex would never hurt the love of her life.
AoT: So I guess it's a matter of who's more right about Lex.
MR: Considering Clark spent the first half of last season bursting in on Lex and accusing him of things he had nothing to do with...
AM: Chloe is right.. as usual.
KK: When Clark leaves he thinks maybe Lex didn't do it.
JG: The lovers made up. How sweet.
AM: OK, and now for my favorite scene of the episode!
MR: Lord help us, not more crying!
AM: Shut up, Michael.
KK: Lionel at Chloe's bedside.
JG: What the hell is he doing there?
AM: He's on the good side now, remember?
JG: Egad! I thought he was getting his groove back!
AM: Chloe gains consciousness and moves to sit up. She winces.
KK: Lionel tells her not to move, she's been seriously injured.
AM: "Where's Lois? Is she alright?"
KK: "Lois isn't here."
AM: Chloe is confused, "She was right there beside me. No one found found her? She'd been stabbed."
KK: Lionel looks at Chloe oddly, "Ms. Sullivan, in the confusion you must have..."
AM: "No one got her out of there?"
KK: "You were the one who was stabbed, not Lois."
AM: Chloe looks down at her stomach an sees the bandage, "But that's impossible... I remember..."
KK: "Lois pulled you out of there. She pulled me out of there. She was a picture of perfect health."
AM: "No. Lois was near death. I know what I saw."
KK: "And then once she was sure you and I were going to be OK she..."
AM: Just then a young child strapped to a gurney is rolled by outside Chloe's room.
KK: The kid is screaming bloody murder, "Make them stop! Don't touch me! Please make them stop!"
AM: The mother follows, frantically talking with a nurse. She thinks her daughter is meteor infected. She wonders if she's going to have to commit her "baby" to Belle Reeve.
KK: Chloe rises from her bed and walks painfully towards the girl as Lionel implores her to stay put. He's afraid Chloe will re-open her wound.
AM: But Chloe ignores him. She takes the little girl's hand and whispers to her that everything is going to be OK.
KK: Almost instantly the girl calms down. She smiles. We hear Lionel. His voice is agitated, "What are you doing Chloe?"
AM: A bit irritated Chloe turns and snaps back, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm helping this little girl!"
KK: Lionel pulls his hand off Chloe's shoulder. Surprised, "I didn't say anything."
AM: Chloe looks a bit surprised herself.
KK: We hear the little girl, "Thank you, pretty lady."
AM: Chloe turns back to face the girl and smiles, "You're welcome."
KK: Focus on the girl smiling back. We hear her voice but her lips don't move, "You made me better. You made the voices go away."
AM: Chloe's smile collapses. She drops the girl's hand and stares off into space for a moment. Then she looks down at her abdomen as the orderlies push the girl down the hall. With a far off look Chloe touches her bandage.
KK: Lionel, "Miss Sullivan, are you alright?"
AM: Almost as if she's still in a trance, "I'm..." She fakes a smile, "Yes, I'm fine."
AoT: Hold on, did you just turn Chloe into the Parasite?
AM: The Parasite? What's the Parasite?
MR: Traditional Superman villain. He sucks out your powers for himself.
AM: No, I did not turn Chloe into the Parasite!
JG: Seems like you did to me. She took that girl's power of telepathy, right?
AM: No! She healed the girl's meteor infection just like she healed Lois' stab wound. She didn't "take" any power.
TW: Does Chloe have the girl's power or not?
AM: She does, but...
AoT: She is the Parasite!
AM: No! She's making things right!
JG: She thinks she's making things right.
MR: Oh my God! She's Sylar!
AM: Sylar?
KK: The villain from Heroes?
MR: Yeah. Sylar started out "fixing" people and turned into serial killer.
KK: He cuts open people's heads to take their powers.
MR: Just like Chloe.
AM: Michael!
continued...
JG: If it makes you feel better pretend he's just being dramatic for the benefit of the trial.
MR: Yeah, that's a good idea!
KK: Lex Luthor, everyone's favorite drama queen.
MR: Shut up!
AM: Next we have our heroic Clark scene.
TW: Yay!
KK: Heat vision and super breath...
AM: Combined with a few huge boulders...
JG: Make for the most bizarre sex scene in the history of Smallville.
KK: Shut up, John.
AM: It makes for a temporary patch to the dam.
KK: With the dam fixed he saves a few stray people who were stranded by the flood.
AM: Not to mention saving a few puppies or kittens.
KK: He doesn't save any puppies or kittens!
AM: Why not? Everybody loves puppies and kittens.
KK: He's got more important things to do!
AM: What could be more important than saving sweet fluffy puppies?
MR: Fluffy? After a flood?
AM: After Clark blow dries their fur with super breath.
TW: Clark is not blow drying puppies!
AM: How about kittens?
TW: No!
AM: Tom, you're such a stick in the mud!
TW: Don't you think Clark's time would be better spent checking on Chloe or Lois or trying to find out what happened to Lana?
KK: Lana is dead. There's nothing to check on there.
TW: He could look for Lois...
AM: Which reminds me. At the end of this scene Clark super speeds away and the camera pans over to focus on Lois' jacket caught up in some debris.
TW: Clark would have seen that!
AM: He was preoccupied saving puppies!
TW: That's ridiculous...
KK: Tom is right. There's something more important than blow drying puppies.
AM: There is?
KK: He has to go confront Lex about Lana's death again.
TW: Oh, come on! Didn't he already do that?
AM: They didn't really finish. The phantom interrupted them.
JG: It was confrontus interruptus.
KK: So naturally Clark as to go finish what he started.
AM: And Lex will deny it with such grace and flair...
KK: That Clark almost believes him.
AM: Until Lex starts laying it on a little too thick and implying that Lana's death is Clark's fault.
TW: How exactly could it be Lana's fault?
KK: Isn't everything Clark's fault?
TW: Yeah, yeah, I know the idiot is going to blame himself -- but it will all be about not having told her his secret. How is Lex going to hit that button?
AM: Hmm... how is he going to do that? Without it looking like Lex was behind it?
MR: Shove the blame on Lionel as usual.
JG: Hey, if Lionel was the one who killed Lana that's great with me. The magnificent bastard is back in business.
AM: Lex can talk about how he was obviously set up to take the fall. How convenient it was for the police found him at the dam. The fact that Lionel almost instantly took control of Luthorcorp and cut off all access to legal council? Lionel even saw to it that Lex didn't have the assets to make bail.
KK: Yeah, that's good.
MR: Lex can't even make bail? That's bullshit!
JG: Lionel couldn't make bail in season three, and that was for a murder over twenty years ago.
MR: That was bullshit too!
JG: I didn't see you raise a fuss then.
MR: We weren't in charge of the story back then!
JG: We had no influence?
[the cast glance nervously around the table at each other and sit in silence for a moment.]
AM: John...
JG: I'm sorry. I won't speak of it again.
KK: So, does Clark believe Lex or not?
MR: Absolutely.
TW: Hell no!
AM: I think he believes him.
TW: Why? Clark said Lex would feed Lana to the wolves just to spite him.
AM: And Chloe said Lex would never hurt the love of her life.
AoT: So I guess it's a matter of who's more right about Lex.
MR: Considering Clark spent the first half of last season bursting in on Lex and accusing him of things he had nothing to do with...
AM: Chloe is right.. as usual.
KK: When Clark leaves he thinks maybe Lex didn't do it.
JG: The lovers made up. How sweet.
AM: OK, and now for my favorite scene of the episode!
MR: Lord help us, not more crying!
AM: Shut up, Michael.
KK: Lionel at Chloe's bedside.
JG: What the hell is he doing there?
AM: He's on the good side now, remember?
JG: Egad! I thought he was getting his groove back!
AM: Chloe gains consciousness and moves to sit up. She winces.
KK: Lionel tells her not to move, she's been seriously injured.
AM: "Where's Lois? Is she alright?"
KK: "Lois isn't here."
AM: Chloe is confused, "She was right there beside me. No one found found her? She'd been stabbed."
KK: Lionel looks at Chloe oddly, "Ms. Sullivan, in the confusion you must have..."
AM: "No one got her out of there?"
KK: "You were the one who was stabbed, not Lois."
AM: Chloe looks down at her stomach an sees the bandage, "But that's impossible... I remember..."
KK: "Lois pulled you out of there. She pulled me out of there. She was a picture of perfect health."
AM: "No. Lois was near death. I know what I saw."
KK: "And then once she was sure you and I were going to be OK she..."
AM: Just then a young child strapped to a gurney is rolled by outside Chloe's room.
KK: The kid is screaming bloody murder, "Make them stop! Don't touch me! Please make them stop!"
AM: The mother follows, frantically talking with a nurse. She thinks her daughter is meteor infected. She wonders if she's going to have to commit her "baby" to Belle Reeve.
KK: Chloe rises from her bed and walks painfully towards the girl as Lionel implores her to stay put. He's afraid Chloe will re-open her wound.
AM: But Chloe ignores him. She takes the little girl's hand and whispers to her that everything is going to be OK.
KK: Almost instantly the girl calms down. She smiles. We hear Lionel. His voice is agitated, "What are you doing Chloe?"
AM: A bit irritated Chloe turns and snaps back, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm helping this little girl!"
KK: Lionel pulls his hand off Chloe's shoulder. Surprised, "I didn't say anything."
AM: Chloe looks a bit surprised herself.
KK: We hear the little girl, "Thank you, pretty lady."
AM: Chloe turns back to face the girl and smiles, "You're welcome."
KK: Focus on the girl smiling back. We hear her voice but her lips don't move, "You made me better. You made the voices go away."
AM: Chloe's smile collapses. She drops the girl's hand and stares off into space for a moment. Then she looks down at her abdomen as the orderlies push the girl down the hall. With a far off look Chloe touches her bandage.
KK: Lionel, "Miss Sullivan, are you alright?"
AM: Almost as if she's still in a trance, "I'm..." She fakes a smile, "Yes, I'm fine."
AoT: Hold on, did you just turn Chloe into the Parasite?
AM: The Parasite? What's the Parasite?
MR: Traditional Superman villain. He sucks out your powers for himself.
AM: No, I did not turn Chloe into the Parasite!
JG: Seems like you did to me. She took that girl's power of telepathy, right?
AM: No! She healed the girl's meteor infection just like she healed Lois' stab wound. She didn't "take" any power.
TW: Does Chloe have the girl's power or not?
AM: She does, but...
AoT: She is the Parasite!
AM: No! She's making things right!
JG: She thinks she's making things right.
MR: Oh my God! She's Sylar!
AM: Sylar?
KK: The villain from Heroes?
MR: Yeah. Sylar started out "fixing" people and turned into serial killer.
KK: He cuts open people's heads to take their powers.
MR: Just like Chloe.
AM: Michael!
continued...
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part IV)
as retold by jwm
AM: OK then. "Time to die" it is.
KK: Bizarro pulls back for the killing blow...
AM: As the sun peeks out from behind the clouds.
KK: His flesh crackles a bit and he looks up at the sun in disgust, shading his face.
AM: Show Clark noticing this little tidbit of information. Clark moves to get up.
KK: He trips up Bizarro and they struggle in the water.
AM: Clark comes out on top and holds Bizarro under water until he stops struggling.
KK: Clark looks freaked out having just killed himself. He's drained and stumbles around in the water. There's a rumbling sound. Clark looks up just in time to see wall of water rushing towards him. Bizarro's hand comes up out of the water and grabs Clark's leg just as the water hits.
KK: Cut to Martha's office. She watching the dam incident on TV.
AoT: Is this what Martha is going to be reduced to? Watching what's going on from afar?
AM: Doesn't this beat being stuck in the north pole like last premier?
AoT: The last premier Jor-El told her what a great mother she was.
KK: And everybody knows how trustworthy Jor-El is.
AoT: Shut up Kristen!
AM: We'll get Martha back in the action soon enough, but first...
KK: She has to meet the inspiration for her new bill.
AM: Mr. mutant.
JG: You didn't seriously name a character Mr. Mutant, did you?
KK: No. We just didn't know what name to give him.
AM: He's a man and he's a mutant. Naming is up for grabs. Anyway, Mr. unnamed mutant has called on the lovely Mrs. Kent for help.
KK: He wants her to sponsor a mutant's rights bill.
JG: A what?
AM: A Mutant's bill of rights. Giving them legal protection from various things. Basically an assurance the government won't round them up or run experiments on them.
KK: To provide serious civil and criminal penalties for those in the private sector who attempt the same.
AoT: Are there laws against rounding up and experimenting on people in general?
KK: Mutants are a special case.
MR: I don't see why mutants should get special treatment!
AM: That's pretty much what Lex is going to advocate.
MR: Well Lex is smart!
AM: Whatever.
KK: The site of Lana's glorious death.
AM: Lex speeds in and runs up to the explosion site.
KK: He cries like a baby.
MR: You're killing me here.
AM: If only.
KK: Lex gets on his hands and knees and professes his love to some imaginary Lana who he imagines could hear him.
AoT: Maybe she's listening from heaven?
JG: You think Lana went to heaven?
AoT: Of course she went to heaven. Didn't you get the memo?
JG: What memo? I'm been off site on another show until Durance screwed everything up for me.
TW: Not a recent memo, John, the first one Al and Miles ever sent out.
JG: I never read anything from them.
KK: It said...
MR: ...everything Lana does is perfect, everything she does is right.
TW: And she's beautiful.
JG: And to think there are still people who wonder why I want off this show.
AoT: Obviously there's nowhere else for her but heaven.
KK: But if any of you try to write a scene in where Lana talks to anyone from heaven there will be hell to pay.
TW: What if...
KK: I'm serious, Tom!
TW: OK. Understood. Geez.
AM: Anyway Lex is blubbering his way through this little monologue about how much he loved Lana...
MR: You really do hate me, don't you, Allison?
AM: ...when the police pull up behind him. He's so devastated he barely notices when they grab his arms to cuff him.
MR: Why do you hate me Allison?
AM: Lex starts saying to no one in particular, "I'll find out who did this to you, Lana!"
KK: An officer snarks, "Save it for the jury, OJ."
AM: "I swear! I'll find whoever did this to you and when I'm done with them they'll pray for the flames of hell!"
KK: Back to Clark still getting the holy crap beat out of him.
AM: We wanted to stick in some juicy hoyay dialogue.
KK: But neither of us are all that great with hoyay...
AM: So Tom, whatever you can think up on set will be good.
MR: Since Clark is technically fighting himself wouldn't it be considered AutoYay?
AoT: Autoyay?
JG: Auto-eroticism Yay! for the uninitiated.
AM: Ew!
MR: That's what it is, essentially.
JG: Clark is beating himself off... er, up.
AM: Ew!
TW: Maybe there shouldn't be any dialogue there after all.
MR: Good choice, Tom. I usually don't say anything when I...
[Cast looks uncomfortably at MR]
MR: never mind...
KK: The two of them wash up in a clearing. The bright sunlight disturbs Bizarro.
AM: It's like it's hurting him.
KK: He pounds the ground, cracking it open. "Time to go underground."
AM: And in he dives, dragging Clark down with after him.
KK: Here's where Clark really gets the crap beaten out of him.
AM: But Clark finally gets a good punch in, sends Bizarro flying up to the surface.
KK: Clark jumps up to land, only to find himself exposed and hardening in the sun. Clark grimaces and begins beating himself.
AM: [Making a disgusted face] Any chance for a different word choice there?
JG: I like it.
KK: We do the slow motion jumping thing. Clark pulls Bizarro up into the stratosphere with him.
JG: He needs to say "You're coming with me."!
AM: I don't think so.
JG: He must!
KK: It's funny, Allison.
TW: It's... humiliating.
KK: Be a sport, Tom.
TW: A sport? HoYay is one thing, but this?
AM: Up above the cloud line Bizarro's entire body starts to crystallize. He gets slower and slower.
KK: He tries to punch Clark a couple times but finds his fist cracks the first time.
AM: And the next time his fist completely shatters.
KK: Clark makes a little triumphant yet auto-erotic quip and then punches Bizarro in the face.
KK: In slow motion Bizarro's cheek shatters into hundreds of pieces.
AM: At this point Bizarro is completely crystallized.
KK: Hard as a rock.
AM: We can see the phantom trapped inside
KK: Aching for release.
AM: Stop, Kristen.
KK: Instead Clark just teases him.
AM: I said stop! Its screams are muffled inside the crystalline prison.
KK: Spent, the two start falling back down to Earth.
AM: Clark grabs the frozen image of himself and swings it around a few times before hurtling it into space towards the sun.
TW: Is that really a good idea?
AM: Sure. Why, not?
KK: The sun will kill the phantom.
TW: What if it only kills the copy of Clark's body?
AM: And the phantom comes back?
TW: Yeah.
AM: Then he'll have to fight it again.
MR: He should just toss it into space where the sun won't destroy the body.
AoT: That's not any better, a meteor could hit it and release the phantom.
AM: Either way if we run out of ideas for villains it means we can bring that one back. I don't see what the problem is.
TW: Yeah, you may have a point.
JG: Besides, you always have that thing you say... what is it?
TW: What?
JG: That thing Superman won't do...
MR: Wear the suit?
JG: No, that's not it.
AoT: Fly?
JG: No, no.
KK: Get over Lana?
JG: All true but that's what I was thinking.
AM: Fascinating. Can we...
JG: Killing! Superman can't kill people! That's it.
TW: I'm glad you remembered that one.
JG: That's the one I always seem to forget.
TW: That's what worries me.
KK: Candy-ass Lex is weeping like a baby and the site of Lana's death.
AM: An officer is reading him his rights.
KK: Tears fall freely.
MR: You two suck!
AM: He's a broken man. Truly and completely.
MR: And to think I was actually thinking about taking it easy on you this year, Mack!
continued...
AM: OK then. "Time to die" it is.
KK: Bizarro pulls back for the killing blow...
AM: As the sun peeks out from behind the clouds.
KK: His flesh crackles a bit and he looks up at the sun in disgust, shading his face.
AM: Show Clark noticing this little tidbit of information. Clark moves to get up.
KK: He trips up Bizarro and they struggle in the water.
AM: Clark comes out on top and holds Bizarro under water until he stops struggling.
KK: Clark looks freaked out having just killed himself. He's drained and stumbles around in the water. There's a rumbling sound. Clark looks up just in time to see wall of water rushing towards him. Bizarro's hand comes up out of the water and grabs Clark's leg just as the water hits.
KK: Cut to Martha's office. She watching the dam incident on TV.
AoT: Is this what Martha is going to be reduced to? Watching what's going on from afar?
AM: Doesn't this beat being stuck in the north pole like last premier?
AoT: The last premier Jor-El told her what a great mother she was.
KK: And everybody knows how trustworthy Jor-El is.
AoT: Shut up Kristen!
AM: We'll get Martha back in the action soon enough, but first...
KK: She has to meet the inspiration for her new bill.
AM: Mr. mutant.
JG: You didn't seriously name a character Mr. Mutant, did you?
KK: No. We just didn't know what name to give him.
AM: He's a man and he's a mutant. Naming is up for grabs. Anyway, Mr. unnamed mutant has called on the lovely Mrs. Kent for help.
KK: He wants her to sponsor a mutant's rights bill.
JG: A what?
AM: A Mutant's bill of rights. Giving them legal protection from various things. Basically an assurance the government won't round them up or run experiments on them.
KK: To provide serious civil and criminal penalties for those in the private sector who attempt the same.
AoT: Are there laws against rounding up and experimenting on people in general?
KK: Mutants are a special case.
MR: I don't see why mutants should get special treatment!
AM: That's pretty much what Lex is going to advocate.
MR: Well Lex is smart!
AM: Whatever.
KK: The site of Lana's glorious death.
AM: Lex speeds in and runs up to the explosion site.
KK: He cries like a baby.
MR: You're killing me here.
AM: If only.
KK: Lex gets on his hands and knees and professes his love to some imaginary Lana who he imagines could hear him.
AoT: Maybe she's listening from heaven?
JG: You think Lana went to heaven?
AoT: Of course she went to heaven. Didn't you get the memo?
JG: What memo? I'm been off site on another show until Durance screwed everything up for me.
TW: Not a recent memo, John, the first one Al and Miles ever sent out.
JG: I never read anything from them.
KK: It said...
MR: ...everything Lana does is perfect, everything she does is right.
TW: And she's beautiful.
JG: And to think there are still people who wonder why I want off this show.
AoT: Obviously there's nowhere else for her but heaven.
KK: But if any of you try to write a scene in where Lana talks to anyone from heaven there will be hell to pay.
TW: What if...
KK: I'm serious, Tom!
TW: OK. Understood. Geez.
AM: Anyway Lex is blubbering his way through this little monologue about how much he loved Lana...
MR: You really do hate me, don't you, Allison?
AM: ...when the police pull up behind him. He's so devastated he barely notices when they grab his arms to cuff him.
MR: Why do you hate me Allison?
AM: Lex starts saying to no one in particular, "I'll find out who did this to you, Lana!"
KK: An officer snarks, "Save it for the jury, OJ."
AM: "I swear! I'll find whoever did this to you and when I'm done with them they'll pray for the flames of hell!"
KK: Back to Clark still getting the holy crap beat out of him.
AM: We wanted to stick in some juicy hoyay dialogue.
KK: But neither of us are all that great with hoyay...
AM: So Tom, whatever you can think up on set will be good.
MR: Since Clark is technically fighting himself wouldn't it be considered AutoYay?
AoT: Autoyay?
JG: Auto-eroticism Yay! for the uninitiated.
AM: Ew!
MR: That's what it is, essentially.
JG: Clark is beating himself off... er, up.
AM: Ew!
TW: Maybe there shouldn't be any dialogue there after all.
MR: Good choice, Tom. I usually don't say anything when I...
[Cast looks uncomfortably at MR]
MR: never mind...
KK: The two of them wash up in a clearing. The bright sunlight disturbs Bizarro.
AM: It's like it's hurting him.
KK: He pounds the ground, cracking it open. "Time to go underground."
AM: And in he dives, dragging Clark down with after him.
KK: Here's where Clark really gets the crap beaten out of him.
AM: But Clark finally gets a good punch in, sends Bizarro flying up to the surface.
KK: Clark jumps up to land, only to find himself exposed and hardening in the sun. Clark grimaces and begins beating himself.
AM: [Making a disgusted face] Any chance for a different word choice there?
JG: I like it.
KK: We do the slow motion jumping thing. Clark pulls Bizarro up into the stratosphere with him.
JG: He needs to say "You're coming with me."!
AM: I don't think so.
JG: He must!
KK: It's funny, Allison.
TW: It's... humiliating.
KK: Be a sport, Tom.
TW: A sport? HoYay is one thing, but this?
AM: Up above the cloud line Bizarro's entire body starts to crystallize. He gets slower and slower.
KK: He tries to punch Clark a couple times but finds his fist cracks the first time.
AM: And the next time his fist completely shatters.
KK: Clark makes a little triumphant yet auto-erotic quip and then punches Bizarro in the face.
KK: In slow motion Bizarro's cheek shatters into hundreds of pieces.
AM: At this point Bizarro is completely crystallized.
KK: Hard as a rock.
AM: We can see the phantom trapped inside
KK: Aching for release.
AM: Stop, Kristen.
KK: Instead Clark just teases him.
AM: I said stop! Its screams are muffled inside the crystalline prison.
KK: Spent, the two start falling back down to Earth.
AM: Clark grabs the frozen image of himself and swings it around a few times before hurtling it into space towards the sun.
TW: Is that really a good idea?
AM: Sure. Why, not?
KK: The sun will kill the phantom.
TW: What if it only kills the copy of Clark's body?
AM: And the phantom comes back?
TW: Yeah.
AM: Then he'll have to fight it again.
MR: He should just toss it into space where the sun won't destroy the body.
AoT: That's not any better, a meteor could hit it and release the phantom.
AM: Either way if we run out of ideas for villains it means we can bring that one back. I don't see what the problem is.
TW: Yeah, you may have a point.
JG: Besides, you always have that thing you say... what is it?
TW: What?
JG: That thing Superman won't do...
MR: Wear the suit?
JG: No, that's not it.
AoT: Fly?
JG: No, no.
KK: Get over Lana?
JG: All true but that's what I was thinking.
AM: Fascinating. Can we...
JG: Killing! Superman can't kill people! That's it.
TW: I'm glad you remembered that one.
JG: That's the one I always seem to forget.
TW: That's what worries me.
KK: Candy-ass Lex is weeping like a baby and the site of Lana's death.
AM: An officer is reading him his rights.
KK: Tears fall freely.
MR: You two suck!
AM: He's a broken man. Truly and completely.
MR: And to think I was actually thinking about taking it easy on you this year, Mack!
continued...
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part III)
as retold by jwm
AM: Cut to Martha's new office.
TW: In the middle of all this action? It that really a good choice?
MR: No.
KK: Shut up.
AoT: It's about time for a Martha scene.
AM: Thank you, Annette. She's unpacking.
KK: Introduction of her new chief of staff.
TW: Is it Pete? It would be cool if it were Pete.
AM: It's not Pete.
TW: Why not? It would be cool if it were Pete!
KK: It's not Pete!
TW: Why not? It ....
KK: Because Sam has better things to do with his time than showing up on this crappy show again!
TW: Did you ask...?
KK: Yes. He said no, OK?
TW: Oh. I still think it would have been cool.
AM: Yes, everyone agreed it would have been cool, except for Sam. And so we're not doing it.
JG: Lucky bastard.
KK: Cut to Lois inside the project Aries facility.
MR: Wait. I thought Erica was...
AM: She is. We're going to shoot a body double from behind. And Lois doesn't have any lines.
MR: And why did we have to wait for Erica to leave to institute that policy?
KK: Water is collecting on the floor.
AM: She fiddles with some buttons on the control panel and finally she gets the sliding doors to open revealing all the inert Project Aries soldiers.
KK: She pulls out her camera and takes a picture.
AM: The wall collapses beside her and she's washed away.
KK: We linger on the image of her camera caught by it's strap by some debris.
TW: Wow. What a way to go.
AM: Lionel watches the dam from a patrol car. The facility collapses. He turns to Chloe who lies on the seat beside him and tenderly pushes the hair out of her eyes.
MR: What a tender moment.
JG: What he hell, Allison?
AM: The car pulls away.
JG: You need a literary allusion here don't you?
KK: Not really...
JG: "Alas, poor Lois! I knew her, Chloe; a woman of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
AM: That's not exactly what we're looking for, John. But I'm pleased you have literary allusions on the brain.
JG: What do you mean that's not what you're looking for!?!? It's classic literature and it's relevant! You're not going to get any better than that!
KK: I think what Allison was trying to say is we were thinking more silent morning than literary inspiration.
JG: Whatever. You're passing up a stirring scene I tell you!
AM: Lionel's phone rings.
JG: Who the hell would be calling at a time like this?
KK: It's Lex.
JG: Lex is a fugitive from justice and the first thing he does is call his dad?
MR: Yeah, he's going to tell Lionel his ass is grass.
KK: He wants to find out about Lana.
JG: Oh.
MR: [Disappointed] Oh.
AM: Cut to Lex behind the wheel of a cop car.
AoT: We should re-enact the OJ chase! Lex can drive down the freeway for hours threatening to kill himself.
MR: Annette, I love you, but that's got to be the stupidest I idea I've ever heard.
KK: Well fortunately for him all the other cars went down with the bridge so no one is following him.
MR: So thankfully not OJ re-enactment.
KK: Besides, we need Lex to get to the explosion site so he can cry like a baby.
MR: Correction, Annette, your idea is only the second stupidest idea I've ever heard.
AM: Into the phone, "Where's Lana?"
KK: "You should know, son. You killed her."
AM: Lex gets all pissy. "I'd never do that. I loved her. I need to see her."
MR: I just know I'm going to gag on those lines.
KK: "She's dead."
AM: "Where?"
KK: Lionel doesn't answer.
AM: "Where is she!?!?"
KK: "Her car... it exploded..."
AM: Lex is getting more and more frantic "Where!?!?"
KK: "Smallville. Behind the Talon."
AM: Lex hangs up and puts the petal to the metal.
KK: Yee-Haa!
JG: You know, Lex's white suit kind of reminds me of Boss Hogg's digs from Dukes of Hazard.
AoT: You're right, John.
MR: That's ridiculous!
JG: What's ridiculous is the fact this version of Lex is likely to grow up more Boss Hogg than super villain.
KK: Roscoe was a lot more competent than Lex's security.
MR: Kristen!
TW: Roscoe P. Coletrain!
MR: Tom!
AM: Roscoe was pretty incompetent. And let's not even talk about Enos.
KK: Don't dis Enos. He got his own spin off series which is more than any of us can say!
AoT: Erica...
JG: Damn bitch!
AM: Father Knows Best isn't a spin off.
AoT: Have you read the description?
KK: You realize not only did Roscoe and Enos never get themselves killed they never left Boss Hogg in a position to get shot or knocked over the head?
JG: If that's true it's sad.
AM: Sad?
JG: Boss Hogg is more competent than Lionel's heir! Allison, how about we resurrect the Chloe Luthor story line?
AM: No thanks.
JG: Come on, Lionel needs a competent heir!
MR: Lex is a competent heir!
JG: Don't be ridiculous, Michael. Lex can barely put his pants on!
MR: Why can't we write Lex competent?
JG: That horse has already left the stable, son.
AM: Sorry, John. Chloe has enough problems with her meteor infection. We're not going to do the Lionel daddy thing again.
AoT: Lionel wouldn't want a freak for a kid anyway.
TW: But isn't Lex is a freak?
AoT: Yeah, and we've seen how Lionel treats him.
KK: We cut to Bizarro...
JG: Can we give Lionel another illegitimate child for an heir this year?
AM: Would you give it up, John?
JG: I'm serious!
TW: Can't you settle for surrogate daddy for Clark?
JG: Don't you hate that?
TW: I do.
JG: Then I'll take it.
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
JG: Sure. Cut to Bizarro.
AoT: Bizarro could be Lionel's illegitimate...
TW: Would you please stop it, Annette?
AoT: I was just...
TW: Please?
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
AoT: ...thinking he could be Lionel's...
TW: Annette! No.
AoT: Fine.
KK: Now?
AoT: Now what?
AM: Get back to Clark getting his ass kicked?
AoT: Works for me.
KK: Bizzaro gives Clark a... Annette?
AoT: A Chokeslam?
KK: Oh, that sounds good.
AM: Bizarro should give him a couple of those.
KK: And then a...?
AoT: How about a Powerbomb?
AM: That sounds like it would hurt.
AoT: I would.
KK: Bizarro should give him two or three.
TW: In a row? Can't Clark fight back?
AM: Yeah, it shouldn't be all in a row.
TW: Right! Clark should get a punch in!
AM: I mean Bizarro should mix it up. A Chokeslam then a Powerbomb and then back to the Chokeslam thing.
KK: What's a chokeslam? Would that take Clark out?
AoT: Clark would definitely be down for the count!
KK: Good. Clark lays in the water defeated.
TW: What?
KK: Bizarro holds Clark under the water and says that thing from the teaser...
AM: "I'm going to take everything you ever loved, yada yada yada."
KK: Then something cheesy.
MR: Like "Time to die"?
AM: How about "Not so super now"?
JG: "This is your final fashion lesson!"
TW: Final fashion lesson?
JG: I couldn't help but notice that Bizzaro has much better fashion sense than Clark.
KK: A vegetable has better fashion sense...
TW: Now wait a second!
KK: I like "Time to die."
MR: How about word play with DNA?
AM: DOA? "Thanks for the DNA. To bad you're going to wind up DOA."?
KK: [Shakes her head] No. Not good.
AM: I like it.
KK: No, it's not good at all.
AM: But...
JG: It sucks, Allison.
continued...
AM: Cut to Martha's new office.
TW: In the middle of all this action? It that really a good choice?
MR: No.
KK: Shut up.
AoT: It's about time for a Martha scene.
AM: Thank you, Annette. She's unpacking.
KK: Introduction of her new chief of staff.
TW: Is it Pete? It would be cool if it were Pete.
AM: It's not Pete.
TW: Why not? It would be cool if it were Pete!
KK: It's not Pete!
TW: Why not? It ....
KK: Because Sam has better things to do with his time than showing up on this crappy show again!
TW: Did you ask...?
KK: Yes. He said no, OK?
TW: Oh. I still think it would have been cool.
AM: Yes, everyone agreed it would have been cool, except for Sam. And so we're not doing it.
JG: Lucky bastard.
KK: Cut to Lois inside the project Aries facility.
MR: Wait. I thought Erica was...
AM: She is. We're going to shoot a body double from behind. And Lois doesn't have any lines.
MR: And why did we have to wait for Erica to leave to institute that policy?
KK: Water is collecting on the floor.
AM: She fiddles with some buttons on the control panel and finally she gets the sliding doors to open revealing all the inert Project Aries soldiers.
KK: She pulls out her camera and takes a picture.
AM: The wall collapses beside her and she's washed away.
KK: We linger on the image of her camera caught by it's strap by some debris.
TW: Wow. What a way to go.
AM: Lionel watches the dam from a patrol car. The facility collapses. He turns to Chloe who lies on the seat beside him and tenderly pushes the hair out of her eyes.
MR: What a tender moment.
JG: What he hell, Allison?
AM: The car pulls away.
JG: You need a literary allusion here don't you?
KK: Not really...
JG: "Alas, poor Lois! I knew her, Chloe; a woman of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy."
AM: That's not exactly what we're looking for, John. But I'm pleased you have literary allusions on the brain.
JG: What do you mean that's not what you're looking for!?!? It's classic literature and it's relevant! You're not going to get any better than that!
KK: I think what Allison was trying to say is we were thinking more silent morning than literary inspiration.
JG: Whatever. You're passing up a stirring scene I tell you!
AM: Lionel's phone rings.
JG: Who the hell would be calling at a time like this?
KK: It's Lex.
JG: Lex is a fugitive from justice and the first thing he does is call his dad?
MR: Yeah, he's going to tell Lionel his ass is grass.
KK: He wants to find out about Lana.
JG: Oh.
MR: [Disappointed] Oh.
AM: Cut to Lex behind the wheel of a cop car.
AoT: We should re-enact the OJ chase! Lex can drive down the freeway for hours threatening to kill himself.
MR: Annette, I love you, but that's got to be the stupidest I idea I've ever heard.
KK: Well fortunately for him all the other cars went down with the bridge so no one is following him.
MR: So thankfully not OJ re-enactment.
KK: Besides, we need Lex to get to the explosion site so he can cry like a baby.
MR: Correction, Annette, your idea is only the second stupidest idea I've ever heard.
AM: Into the phone, "Where's Lana?"
KK: "You should know, son. You killed her."
AM: Lex gets all pissy. "I'd never do that. I loved her. I need to see her."
MR: I just know I'm going to gag on those lines.
KK: "She's dead."
AM: "Where?"
KK: Lionel doesn't answer.
AM: "Where is she!?!?"
KK: "Her car... it exploded..."
AM: Lex is getting more and more frantic "Where!?!?"
KK: "Smallville. Behind the Talon."
AM: Lex hangs up and puts the petal to the metal.
KK: Yee-Haa!
JG: You know, Lex's white suit kind of reminds me of Boss Hogg's digs from Dukes of Hazard.
AoT: You're right, John.
MR: That's ridiculous!
JG: What's ridiculous is the fact this version of Lex is likely to grow up more Boss Hogg than super villain.
KK: Roscoe was a lot more competent than Lex's security.
MR: Kristen!
TW: Roscoe P. Coletrain!
MR: Tom!
AM: Roscoe was pretty incompetent. And let's not even talk about Enos.
KK: Don't dis Enos. He got his own spin off series which is more than any of us can say!
AoT: Erica...
JG: Damn bitch!
AM: Father Knows Best isn't a spin off.
AoT: Have you read the description?
KK: You realize not only did Roscoe and Enos never get themselves killed they never left Boss Hogg in a position to get shot or knocked over the head?
JG: If that's true it's sad.
AM: Sad?
JG: Boss Hogg is more competent than Lionel's heir! Allison, how about we resurrect the Chloe Luthor story line?
AM: No thanks.
JG: Come on, Lionel needs a competent heir!
MR: Lex is a competent heir!
JG: Don't be ridiculous, Michael. Lex can barely put his pants on!
MR: Why can't we write Lex competent?
JG: That horse has already left the stable, son.
AM: Sorry, John. Chloe has enough problems with her meteor infection. We're not going to do the Lionel daddy thing again.
AoT: Lionel wouldn't want a freak for a kid anyway.
TW: But isn't Lex is a freak?
AoT: Yeah, and we've seen how Lionel treats him.
KK: We cut to Bizarro...
JG: Can we give Lionel another illegitimate child for an heir this year?
AM: Would you give it up, John?
JG: I'm serious!
TW: Can't you settle for surrogate daddy for Clark?
JG: Don't you hate that?
TW: I do.
JG: Then I'll take it.
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
JG: Sure. Cut to Bizarro.
AoT: Bizarro could be Lionel's illegitimate...
TW: Would you please stop it, Annette?
AoT: I was just...
TW: Please?
KK: [sighs] Can we cut to Bizarro now?
AoT: ...thinking he could be Lionel's...
TW: Annette! No.
AoT: Fine.
KK: Now?
AoT: Now what?
AM: Get back to Clark getting his ass kicked?
AoT: Works for me.
KK: Bizzaro gives Clark a... Annette?
AoT: A Chokeslam?
KK: Oh, that sounds good.
AM: Bizarro should give him a couple of those.
KK: And then a...?
AoT: How about a Powerbomb?
AM: That sounds like it would hurt.
AoT: I would.
KK: Bizarro should give him two or three.
TW: In a row? Can't Clark fight back?
AM: Yeah, it shouldn't be all in a row.
TW: Right! Clark should get a punch in!
AM: I mean Bizarro should mix it up. A Chokeslam then a Powerbomb and then back to the Chokeslam thing.
KK: What's a chokeslam? Would that take Clark out?
AoT: Clark would definitely be down for the count!
KK: Good. Clark lays in the water defeated.
TW: What?
KK: Bizarro holds Clark under the water and says that thing from the teaser...
AM: "I'm going to take everything you ever loved, yada yada yada."
KK: Then something cheesy.
MR: Like "Time to die"?
AM: How about "Not so super now"?
JG: "This is your final fashion lesson!"
TW: Final fashion lesson?
JG: I couldn't help but notice that Bizzaro has much better fashion sense than Clark.
KK: A vegetable has better fashion sense...
TW: Now wait a second!
KK: I like "Time to die."
MR: How about word play with DNA?
AM: DOA? "Thanks for the DNA. To bad you're going to wind up DOA."?
KK: [Shakes her head] No. Not good.
AM: I like it.
KK: No, it's not good at all.
AM: But...
JG: It sucks, Allison.
continued...
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part II)
as retold by jwm
TW: Are you talking about Erica or Lois now?
JG: Erica.
AoT: Stole what show?
AM: John's. The turncoat jumped ship.
AoT: But she loved being on Smallville. She'd never leave us!
AM: Maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did.
JG: Pulled the old switcheroo! Sweet talked those idiotic bastards into hiring her for my show. Oh... she played me for a fool, she did!
TW: So how does that effect you...?
JG: Some ill thought out legalese restricts CBS to poaching only one person from this crappy little show.
KK: I think that was put in place after the whole "Heroes exodus".
MR: But they took Erica over you? Why?
JG: Can you believe it? I have an Emmy, dammit! What the hell does she have?
KK: FHM voted her the 20th sexiest...
JG: I'm just as sexy as her... and I'm sixty years old!
TW: Don't take this the wrong way, John, you're sexy as hell, but Erica...
AM: John is pretty damn sexy.
JG: You're damn straight!
TW: But are you willing to show it off in tight spandex?
JG: Of course not! I have standards.
KK: Well there you go.
JG: I'll wear a wife beater. I can sport the hell out of a wife beater!
AoT: Maybe you can wear a wife beater again here on Smallville.
JG: [Head in hands] Dammit! This is really happening, isn't it?
MR: Wait, Erica is going to come back, right?
AM: Don't count on it.
MR: She's supposed to write two episodes with me! Who else is going to let me write about naked robots?
AoT: You can write them with me, Michael. I'm happy to write more.
MR: Can we write about naked exploding women robots?
AoT: Sure, we can write about anything you want, sweetie. Just as long as Martha gets lots of screen time.
MR: Deal!
AM: You're not really going to let him write about that are you, Annette?
AoT: Sure, why not?
AM: FYI, I'm not getting naked so the robots are going to have to be fascimilies of Lana.
KK: Oh, No. Lana is dead.
AM: That doesn't mean Lex can't make have fascimilies...
KK: I'm not showing up on screen naked or clothed. Dead, alive, or as a robot. Got it?
MR: Come on Kristen, for old time's sake!
KK: No!
TW: Erica would probably do it.
AM: Erica isn't on the show anymore!
MR: Well then how the hell am I going to have my naked exploding women robots?
AM: I guess you're not.
MR: That's completely unfair!
KK: Are you sure Erica was behind this, John?
JG: Oh, she can play dumb, Kristen. But don't let her fool you. Don't let her fool you!
AM: Fascinating. Can we move on?
MR: And figure out who's going to play the naked robot?
AoT: I could do it.
TW: No!
AoT: What's the problem, Tom?
TW: You're Clark's mom!
KK: Clark's mom wouldn't be naked and exploding. It would just a facsimile of her.
TW: Facsimile or no, it gives me the heebee jeebees.
AoT: You have a problem with the human body, don't you Tom?
TW: I don't have a problem with the human body...
AM: Do you now?
TW: I have a problem with my TV mom's naked human body!
AoT: You're such a prude!'
JG: Are you really that closed minded, Tom?
TW: Don't start, John.
KK: Can we get on with the script? I have other things to do here, people.
JG: Speaking of doing other things is Lionel in the script? Maybe I can leave.
KK: Yes, he's in the script.
JG: How long have you known about this?!?!
KK: There have been rumors for weeks...
JG: [To AM] Did you and Erica plan this together?
AM: Of course not!
JG: Why do you hate me, Allison? Why? Do you hate me because I escaped the show!
AM: I don't' hate you, John.
JG: Durance better watch her back. She's in my cross hairs, dammit!
AM: Are you done venting yet?
JG: No!
KK: Can you at least take five so we can keep going?
JG: Oh, alright! [Grabs another cannoli] These aren't bad. [Before he takes another bite] You didn't make these, did you Allison?
AM: No.
JG: Good. [Bites in enthusiastically]
TW: [Hands JG a script] Have a script.
JG: [Tosses it back to the middle of the table] Thanks, don't need one. [AM gives an irritated sigh. TW and MR chuckle.]
KK: So where were we?
AM: We just finished the teaser. Go to credits.
JG: [to MR] I sincerely hope they include footage of Mack bitch slapping you, Rosenbaum.
MR: I sincerely hope not.
JG: [To AM] And firing a grenade launcher...
AM: I really don't think so.
JG: Dammit, this show is just as much of a drag as I remember!
KK: We come back to Lex telling the police they need to get the hell out of there. Some monster is loose and it's going to kill them all.
AM: And they don't buy it. They proceed with the arrest.
KK: An object fly across the screen in the background.
AM: It's Bizarro kicking the shit out of Clark.
KK: A couple officers turn their attention to the chaos.
AM: Lex urges them to get the hell out again.
KK: Then Bizarro flies out after Clark.
AM: The police stare in disbelief.
KK: The dam starts to collapse.
AM: Lex turns around and grabs a pistol out of one officer's holster.
JG: HoYay in the opening scene! I love it!
[Cast stare at JG]
JG: For the record I'm still pissed about being here.
KK: Lex pistol whips the officer, jumps into the police cruiser, and drives off.
AM: And if the have any FX money left over the police get washed away by the rushing water.
KK: Now to the Clark Bizarro fight.
TW: Now that's what I'm talking about!
AM: Clark is trying to get up out of a shallow stream when Bizarro arrives and pummels him into the ground a few times.
KK: Then we cut to...
TW: What? That's it?!?!
AM: What do you want?
TW: Clark to get a few hits in!
KK: I don't think so.
AM: Right. But maybe Bizarro could throw Clark into a tree.
MR: Zod did that.
KK: Pound him into a boulder?
MR: Zod did that too.
AM: They could fly around choking each other.
MR: Zod...
KK: ...did that too. I got nothing.
AoT: How about a few wrestling moves?
KK: There we go! What do you suggest, Annette?
AoT: Oh, maybe the Pedigree?
AM: The Pedigree?
AoT: Very painful.
KK: There's no way something called the Pedigree could be painful.
AM: Surely you've got some thing better.
AoT: [Rolling her eyes] The Jackhammer?
[AM and KK gauge each others' reaction]
KK: Jackhammer it is. [Writing] Bizarro Jackhammers Clark.
AM: What else?
AoT: How about a Brainbuster?
KK: Even better!
MR: Do you know what it is?
KK: No. But it sounds good.
AM: Sounds painful.
KK: That's what I mean.
AM: [writing] Bizarro Brainbusters Clark.
KK: Are you sure that's not "Brainbusts" Clark?
AM: Annette?
AoT: It's Brainbusters.
AM: Thanks. [sticks her tongue out at KK. KK rolls her eyes.]
TW: Does Clark get any moves in?
KK: No.
TW: Dammit.
AM: Cut to Lionel.
JG: Dammit
KK: Want a script?
JG: No!
AM: He's waving down the police who didn't get washed away.
KK: Chloe lays on the ground by him.
AM: A couple officers carry her to a squad car.
KK: Lionel explains they need to go back into the facility.
AM: An officer takes one look at the leaking dam and says there's no way. The dam is going give and wash everything away.
KK: Lionel explains that Lois went back in and they can't leave without her.
JG: Since when does Lionel give a crap about Lois?
AM: Since she saved his life.
JG: Lois saved Lionel's life? It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
KK: The officers drag Lionel to the squad car.
JG: Lionel is supposed to be evil! What the hell? You're killing me here!
continued...
TW: Are you talking about Erica or Lois now?
JG: Erica.
AoT: Stole what show?
AM: John's. The turncoat jumped ship.
AoT: But she loved being on Smallville. She'd never leave us!
AM: Maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did.
JG: Pulled the old switcheroo! Sweet talked those idiotic bastards into hiring her for my show. Oh... she played me for a fool, she did!
TW: So how does that effect you...?
JG: Some ill thought out legalese restricts CBS to poaching only one person from this crappy little show.
KK: I think that was put in place after the whole "Heroes exodus".
MR: But they took Erica over you? Why?
JG: Can you believe it? I have an Emmy, dammit! What the hell does she have?
KK: FHM voted her the 20th sexiest...
JG: I'm just as sexy as her... and I'm sixty years old!
TW: Don't take this the wrong way, John, you're sexy as hell, but Erica...
AM: John is pretty damn sexy.
JG: You're damn straight!
TW: But are you willing to show it off in tight spandex?
JG: Of course not! I have standards.
KK: Well there you go.
JG: I'll wear a wife beater. I can sport the hell out of a wife beater!
AoT: Maybe you can wear a wife beater again here on Smallville.
JG: [Head in hands] Dammit! This is really happening, isn't it?
MR: Wait, Erica is going to come back, right?
AM: Don't count on it.
MR: She's supposed to write two episodes with me! Who else is going to let me write about naked robots?
AoT: You can write them with me, Michael. I'm happy to write more.
MR: Can we write about naked exploding women robots?
AoT: Sure, we can write about anything you want, sweetie. Just as long as Martha gets lots of screen time.
MR: Deal!
AM: You're not really going to let him write about that are you, Annette?
AoT: Sure, why not?
AM: FYI, I'm not getting naked so the robots are going to have to be fascimilies of Lana.
KK: Oh, No. Lana is dead.
AM: That doesn't mean Lex can't make have fascimilies...
KK: I'm not showing up on screen naked or clothed. Dead, alive, or as a robot. Got it?
MR: Come on Kristen, for old time's sake!
KK: No!
TW: Erica would probably do it.
AM: Erica isn't on the show anymore!
MR: Well then how the hell am I going to have my naked exploding women robots?
AM: I guess you're not.
MR: That's completely unfair!
KK: Are you sure Erica was behind this, John?
JG: Oh, she can play dumb, Kristen. But don't let her fool you. Don't let her fool you!
AM: Fascinating. Can we move on?
MR: And figure out who's going to play the naked robot?
AoT: I could do it.
TW: No!
AoT: What's the problem, Tom?
TW: You're Clark's mom!
KK: Clark's mom wouldn't be naked and exploding. It would just a facsimile of her.
TW: Facsimile or no, it gives me the heebee jeebees.
AoT: You have a problem with the human body, don't you Tom?
TW: I don't have a problem with the human body...
AM: Do you now?
TW: I have a problem with my TV mom's naked human body!
AoT: You're such a prude!'
JG: Are you really that closed minded, Tom?
TW: Don't start, John.
KK: Can we get on with the script? I have other things to do here, people.
JG: Speaking of doing other things is Lionel in the script? Maybe I can leave.
KK: Yes, he's in the script.
JG: How long have you known about this?!?!
KK: There have been rumors for weeks...
JG: [To AM] Did you and Erica plan this together?
AM: Of course not!
JG: Why do you hate me, Allison? Why? Do you hate me because I escaped the show!
AM: I don't' hate you, John.
JG: Durance better watch her back. She's in my cross hairs, dammit!
AM: Are you done venting yet?
JG: No!
KK: Can you at least take five so we can keep going?
JG: Oh, alright! [Grabs another cannoli] These aren't bad. [Before he takes another bite] You didn't make these, did you Allison?
AM: No.
JG: Good. [Bites in enthusiastically]
TW: [Hands JG a script] Have a script.
JG: [Tosses it back to the middle of the table] Thanks, don't need one. [AM gives an irritated sigh. TW and MR chuckle.]
KK: So where were we?
AM: We just finished the teaser. Go to credits.
JG: [to MR] I sincerely hope they include footage of Mack bitch slapping you, Rosenbaum.
MR: I sincerely hope not.
JG: [To AM] And firing a grenade launcher...
AM: I really don't think so.
JG: Dammit, this show is just as much of a drag as I remember!
KK: We come back to Lex telling the police they need to get the hell out of there. Some monster is loose and it's going to kill them all.
AM: And they don't buy it. They proceed with the arrest.
KK: An object fly across the screen in the background.
AM: It's Bizarro kicking the shit out of Clark.
KK: A couple officers turn their attention to the chaos.
AM: Lex urges them to get the hell out again.
KK: Then Bizarro flies out after Clark.
AM: The police stare in disbelief.
KK: The dam starts to collapse.
AM: Lex turns around and grabs a pistol out of one officer's holster.
JG: HoYay in the opening scene! I love it!
[Cast stare at JG]
JG: For the record I'm still pissed about being here.
KK: Lex pistol whips the officer, jumps into the police cruiser, and drives off.
AM: And if the have any FX money left over the police get washed away by the rushing water.
KK: Now to the Clark Bizarro fight.
TW: Now that's what I'm talking about!
AM: Clark is trying to get up out of a shallow stream when Bizarro arrives and pummels him into the ground a few times.
KK: Then we cut to...
TW: What? That's it?!?!
AM: What do you want?
TW: Clark to get a few hits in!
KK: I don't think so.
AM: Right. But maybe Bizarro could throw Clark into a tree.
MR: Zod did that.
KK: Pound him into a boulder?
MR: Zod did that too.
AM: They could fly around choking each other.
MR: Zod...
KK: ...did that too. I got nothing.
AoT: How about a few wrestling moves?
KK: There we go! What do you suggest, Annette?
AoT: Oh, maybe the Pedigree?
AM: The Pedigree?
AoT: Very painful.
KK: There's no way something called the Pedigree could be painful.
AM: Surely you've got some thing better.
AoT: [Rolling her eyes] The Jackhammer?
[AM and KK gauge each others' reaction]
KK: Jackhammer it is. [Writing] Bizarro Jackhammers Clark.
AM: What else?
AoT: How about a Brainbuster?
KK: Even better!
MR: Do you know what it is?
KK: No. But it sounds good.
AM: Sounds painful.
KK: That's what I mean.
AM: [writing] Bizarro Brainbusters Clark.
KK: Are you sure that's not "Brainbusts" Clark?
AM: Annette?
AoT: It's Brainbusters.
AM: Thanks. [sticks her tongue out at KK. KK rolls her eyes.]
TW: Does Clark get any moves in?
KK: No.
TW: Dammit.
AM: Cut to Lionel.
JG: Dammit
KK: Want a script?
JG: No!
AM: He's waving down the police who didn't get washed away.
KK: Chloe lays on the ground by him.
AM: A couple officers carry her to a squad car.
KK: Lionel explains they need to go back into the facility.
AM: An officer takes one look at the leaking dam and says there's no way. The dam is going give and wash everything away.
KK: Lionel explains that Lois went back in and they can't leave without her.
JG: Since when does Lionel give a crap about Lois?
AM: Since she saved his life.
JG: Lois saved Lionel's life? It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?
KK: The officers drag Lionel to the squad car.
JG: Lionel is supposed to be evil! What the hell? You're killing me here!
continued...
7.01 Bizarro by AM & KK (Part I)
as retold by jwm
Clark faces off with a mirror version of himself.
[TW, AoT, and MR sit talking with KK in the writers' room. AM enters. She hands KK a script and passes a stack of scripts over for TW to hand around.]
AM: A few of us are going to be late so why don't we just get started?
AoT: We're not going to wait for everyone?
AM: They'll catch up.
AoT: [Reluctant] OK.
AM: After the "Previously on Smallville" thing open with a gray rainy evening.
KK: A line of cars drive in the pouring rain.
AM: Cut to a dark alien room. A particularly ugly creature studies a hologram of the Kryptonian symbol for power.
KK: Cut back to the rain. The cars pull over and stop. Clark gets out and opens an umbrella. He reaches his hand back into the car and takes the hand of someone getting out.
AM: As their hands touch a flash of light takes us back in time.
KK: In black and white Chloe tells Clark he must be on "cloud nine".
AM: Clark responds that he will be once he takes care of the last phantom.
KK: Back to the dark aliens. A second creature enters, "What is it you've found."
AM: "Jor-El's beacon."
KK: The second seems angry, "That's impossible."
AM: Back to the driving rain. Chloe emerges from the car with Clark's help. He holds the umbrella for the two of them. Together they walk through a grave yard followed by a small group of people.
MR: You wasted no time hitting home the point that Lana is dead, did you?
KK: Don't be so sure, Michael. It could be someone else's funeral.
MR: Yeah, right.
AM: Aliens again. The first one responds, "It's his beacon none the less." After a pause he offers hesitantly, "Perhaps the rumors were true."
AM: "That Jor-El's son survived?"
KK: A mumble of agreement.
MR: "Where?"
AM: "A back water planet half-way across the galaxy. A place hardly worth our..."
MR: The second alien, "Have you spoken to the master about this?"
AM: "No."
KK: The crowd gathers in front of a tomb stone.
AM: The minister solemnly utters the dust to dust line.
KK: Focus on Lionel and Martha standing towards the back. Lightning strikes behind them.
TW: Lionel? Isn't John off the show?
AM: He's available for this scene.
AoT: They're shooting in Vancouver, just across town.
TW: Oh, that's right! It will be good to see him.
MR: Speak for yourself!
AM: Back to the aliens. "Do not mention this to anyone. If Jor-El's son does live... the master will not be pleased. Go find out who or what is behind this."
KK: "Yes, my lord."
AM: Back to the funeral. Clark is stoic. Chloe's face is pained as she fights back tears.
TW: Chloe is going to cry at Lana's funeral? Are you sure about that? No offense, Kristen.
KK: None taken.
AoT: Lana is her best friend.
KK: Was. Was her best friend.
MR: I call bullshit! Chloe is singing on the inside! With Lana finally out of the picture for good this is her big chance to get Clark's attention.
AM: Chloe is perfectly happy with Jimmy, Michael. She and Clark are just friends. Focus on Clark and Chloe's hands.
MR: I guarantee you they hold hands!
KK: He reaches over and takes her hand in his.
MR: OK, pay up!
AoT: No one took your stupid bet, Michael.
KK: Cut to show Clark turn his head to look at Chloe. Chloe looks up at him. A tear falls down her cheek.
MR: OK, who wants to take bets they hug next?
TW: Not me.
AM: A flash of lightning introduces a brief "flashback" of Bizarro punching Clark in the face and Clark sailing through the air. Then the two of them struggling together in a stream.
KK: Next we see an image simulating being underwater and disoriented.
AM: Followed by an image of Clark trudging through knee high water.
KK: Clark looks ahead just in time to see the dam partially collapse.
AM: Bizarro's hand comes out of the water and pulls him down as water cascades down all around them.
KK: Flash forward back to Clark and Chloe. Chloe looks into Clark's eyes. More lightning brings the image of Clark talking with Lionel in the hospital. In a dreamy echoing voice Clark tells Lionel, "She's gone." Lionel hugs Clark, "There's nothing you could have done, son."
AM: Cut to Bizarro holding Clark underneath a shallow pool of water, "I'm going to take from you everything you ever loved, and there's nothing you can do." Clark struggles as he chokes underneath the water. Bizarro smiles evilly.
KK: We hear Clark's thoughts, "I failed her."
AM: Back to Clark and Chloe in the rain. Chloe turns her head away from Clark to look at the grave.
KK: Flash back to Clark sitting next to Chloe as Chloe lies in a hospital bed.
AM: Clark, "Chloe, there's something I need to tell you."
KK: Quick flash of the two of them, Chloe staring solemnly at the grave and Clark looking at Chloe. Then flash back to the hospital, Chloe in Clark's arms as she cries into his shoulder.
MR: OK, what's the deal? This obviously isn't Lana's funeral.
KK: Hey!
MR: A tear or two maybe I can take, but this? I call double bullshit!
AoT: This is Lana, Michael. She will be loved.
MR: The only saving grace is Lex isn't there balling his eyes out.
KK: Just you wait.
MR: I swear, Kreuk... If you've turned Lex into a mopey Molly.
TW: Aren't you about a season too late to start worrying about that, Rosenbaum?
AM: Cut back to Chloe and Clark at the funeral again. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Clark turns away from Chloe to look ahead as well.
KK: More lightning. Flash back to the hospital. Lionel, "She knew the dangers. We all warned her but after what Lex did... she'd become obsessed with taking him down."
AM: Clark answers, "She never should have been there in the first place! Maybe if she had known about me from the beginning... That I could have helped her..."
KK: Lionel interrupts, "She made her own choices, Clark."
AM: "This is my fault."
KK: Lionel hesitates, "I'm glad she was there."
AM: Clark looks up at Lionel, eyes full of anger.
KK: Before Clark can say something stupid Lionel continues, "She saved my life, Clark." Clark looks surprised. "And Chloe's too."
AM: Cut back to the funeral. Clark looks down. Focus on Chloe's and Clark's hands but continue with Lionel's words.
KK: "She was a fighter. And that's how she went down."
AM: Rinse and repeat, "She saved my life, Clark. And Chloe's too... and Chloe's too."
KK: A loud clap of thunder, Chloe pulls her hand away from Clark and looks away. Cut to show the two of them from behind standing before the grave.
[JG bursts in through the door]
JG: Alright, goddammit! I'm here. What did I miss?
[The cast looks at JG with surprise. MR gulps]
JG: Who the hell am I kidding?!? I don't give a crap what I missed! I don't even want to know.
[JG finds a chair next to MR and sits. He leans in towards MR]
JG: Boo!
[MR flinches and falls back. His chair collapses. JG laughs heartily. MR awkwardly gets up and rights his chair.]
JG: [Slapping MR on the shoulder] I missed you Rosenbaum!
MR: [Moving his chair across the table] Get your hands off me, you maniac!
JG: [Glances around the table] I take it Erica's not here?
AoT: Not yet.
JG: Figures she wouldn't show. [Spots the refreshment tray] Ah, cannoli!
TW: Why not?
JG: [To AM] You haven't told them?
AM: We hadn't gotten there yet. Lightning illuminates the inscription on the tombstone: "Lois Lane".
JG: [Munching on a cannoli] That's why.
TW: Lois is dead?
JG: It's worse than that. Damn bitch stole my show!
continued...
Clark faces off with a mirror version of himself.
[TW, AoT, and MR sit talking with KK in the writers' room. AM enters. She hands KK a script and passes a stack of scripts over for TW to hand around.]
AM: A few of us are going to be late so why don't we just get started?
AoT: We're not going to wait for everyone?
AM: They'll catch up.
AoT: [Reluctant] OK.
AM: After the "Previously on Smallville" thing open with a gray rainy evening.
KK: A line of cars drive in the pouring rain.
AM: Cut to a dark alien room. A particularly ugly creature studies a hologram of the Kryptonian symbol for power.
KK: Cut back to the rain. The cars pull over and stop. Clark gets out and opens an umbrella. He reaches his hand back into the car and takes the hand of someone getting out.
AM: As their hands touch a flash of light takes us back in time.
KK: In black and white Chloe tells Clark he must be on "cloud nine".
AM: Clark responds that he will be once he takes care of the last phantom.
KK: Back to the dark aliens. A second creature enters, "What is it you've found."
AM: "Jor-El's beacon."
KK: The second seems angry, "That's impossible."
AM: Back to the driving rain. Chloe emerges from the car with Clark's help. He holds the umbrella for the two of them. Together they walk through a grave yard followed by a small group of people.
MR: You wasted no time hitting home the point that Lana is dead, did you?
KK: Don't be so sure, Michael. It could be someone else's funeral.
MR: Yeah, right.
AM: Aliens again. The first one responds, "It's his beacon none the less." After a pause he offers hesitantly, "Perhaps the rumors were true."
AM: "That Jor-El's son survived?"
KK: A mumble of agreement.
MR: "Where?"
AM: "A back water planet half-way across the galaxy. A place hardly worth our..."
MR: The second alien, "Have you spoken to the master about this?"
AM: "No."
KK: The crowd gathers in front of a tomb stone.
AM: The minister solemnly utters the dust to dust line.
KK: Focus on Lionel and Martha standing towards the back. Lightning strikes behind them.
TW: Lionel? Isn't John off the show?
AM: He's available for this scene.
AoT: They're shooting in Vancouver, just across town.
TW: Oh, that's right! It will be good to see him.
MR: Speak for yourself!
AM: Back to the aliens. "Do not mention this to anyone. If Jor-El's son does live... the master will not be pleased. Go find out who or what is behind this."
KK: "Yes, my lord."
AM: Back to the funeral. Clark is stoic. Chloe's face is pained as she fights back tears.
TW: Chloe is going to cry at Lana's funeral? Are you sure about that? No offense, Kristen.
KK: None taken.
AoT: Lana is her best friend.
KK: Was. Was her best friend.
MR: I call bullshit! Chloe is singing on the inside! With Lana finally out of the picture for good this is her big chance to get Clark's attention.
AM: Chloe is perfectly happy with Jimmy, Michael. She and Clark are just friends. Focus on Clark and Chloe's hands.
MR: I guarantee you they hold hands!
KK: He reaches over and takes her hand in his.
MR: OK, pay up!
AoT: No one took your stupid bet, Michael.
KK: Cut to show Clark turn his head to look at Chloe. Chloe looks up at him. A tear falls down her cheek.
MR: OK, who wants to take bets they hug next?
TW: Not me.
AM: A flash of lightning introduces a brief "flashback" of Bizarro punching Clark in the face and Clark sailing through the air. Then the two of them struggling together in a stream.
KK: Next we see an image simulating being underwater and disoriented.
AM: Followed by an image of Clark trudging through knee high water.
KK: Clark looks ahead just in time to see the dam partially collapse.
AM: Bizarro's hand comes out of the water and pulls him down as water cascades down all around them.
KK: Flash forward back to Clark and Chloe. Chloe looks into Clark's eyes. More lightning brings the image of Clark talking with Lionel in the hospital. In a dreamy echoing voice Clark tells Lionel, "She's gone." Lionel hugs Clark, "There's nothing you could have done, son."
AM: Cut to Bizarro holding Clark underneath a shallow pool of water, "I'm going to take from you everything you ever loved, and there's nothing you can do." Clark struggles as he chokes underneath the water. Bizarro smiles evilly.
KK: We hear Clark's thoughts, "I failed her."
AM: Back to Clark and Chloe in the rain. Chloe turns her head away from Clark to look at the grave.
KK: Flash back to Clark sitting next to Chloe as Chloe lies in a hospital bed.
AM: Clark, "Chloe, there's something I need to tell you."
KK: Quick flash of the two of them, Chloe staring solemnly at the grave and Clark looking at Chloe. Then flash back to the hospital, Chloe in Clark's arms as she cries into his shoulder.
MR: OK, what's the deal? This obviously isn't Lana's funeral.
KK: Hey!
MR: A tear or two maybe I can take, but this? I call double bullshit!
AoT: This is Lana, Michael. She will be loved.
MR: The only saving grace is Lex isn't there balling his eyes out.
KK: Just you wait.
MR: I swear, Kreuk... If you've turned Lex into a mopey Molly.
TW: Aren't you about a season too late to start worrying about that, Rosenbaum?
AM: Cut back to Chloe and Clark at the funeral again. Slowly, almost reluctantly, Clark turns away from Chloe to look ahead as well.
KK: More lightning. Flash back to the hospital. Lionel, "She knew the dangers. We all warned her but after what Lex did... she'd become obsessed with taking him down."
AM: Clark answers, "She never should have been there in the first place! Maybe if she had known about me from the beginning... That I could have helped her..."
KK: Lionel interrupts, "She made her own choices, Clark."
AM: "This is my fault."
KK: Lionel hesitates, "I'm glad she was there."
AM: Clark looks up at Lionel, eyes full of anger.
KK: Before Clark can say something stupid Lionel continues, "She saved my life, Clark." Clark looks surprised. "And Chloe's too."
AM: Cut back to the funeral. Clark looks down. Focus on Chloe's and Clark's hands but continue with Lionel's words.
KK: "She was a fighter. And that's how she went down."
AM: Rinse and repeat, "She saved my life, Clark. And Chloe's too... and Chloe's too."
KK: A loud clap of thunder, Chloe pulls her hand away from Clark and looks away. Cut to show the two of them from behind standing before the grave.
[JG bursts in through the door]
JG: Alright, goddammit! I'm here. What did I miss?
[The cast looks at JG with surprise. MR gulps]
JG: Who the hell am I kidding?!? I don't give a crap what I missed! I don't even want to know.
[JG finds a chair next to MR and sits. He leans in towards MR]
JG: Boo!
[MR flinches and falls back. His chair collapses. JG laughs heartily. MR awkwardly gets up and rights his chair.]
JG: [Slapping MR on the shoulder] I missed you Rosenbaum!
MR: [Moving his chair across the table] Get your hands off me, you maniac!
JG: [Glances around the table] I take it Erica's not here?
AoT: Not yet.
JG: Figures she wouldn't show. [Spots the refreshment tray] Ah, cannoli!
TW: Why not?
JG: [To AM] You haven't told them?
AM: We hadn't gotten there yet. Lightning illuminates the inscription on the tombstone: "Lois Lane".
JG: [Munching on a cannoli] That's why.
TW: Lois is dead?
JG: It's worse than that. Damn bitch stole my show!
continued...
Trailer for 7.01 Bizarro
[AM pushes a sheet of paper in KK's face.]
AM: Here, tell me what you think?
KK: What is it?
AM: The trailer for our episode! Go on, read it.
KK: [Handing the paper back to AM] I don't care, I'm sure it's fine.
AM: Come on, Kristen, please?
KK: Alright, fine.
AM: So?
KK: It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. [Hands the paper back.]
AM: That's it? Did you like it? Was it good, bad? What?
KK: It's fine.
AM: Just fine?!?! What's wrong with it? How can I make it better?
KK: Don't sweat it, Allison, it's fine.
AM: I don't want it to be fine I want it to be great! It's boring isn't it? You see this trailer and you have no desire to watch, do you?
KK: I'm a bit biased. I haven't had a desire to watch for six years.
AM: Imagine if you didn't know anything about the show. Would this make you want to watch?
KK: I don't know.
AM: What would make you want to watch?
KK: [sighs] You know what? What you have is great. If I'd never seen the show I'd definitely want to watch.
AM: Well now you're just patronizing me!
KK: I am not!
AM: Really? What part makes you want to watch.
KK: The fact Lana is dead. [KK starts walking off]
AM: [Calling after KK] If you'd never seen the show how would you know Lana is dead?!?!?
[AM contemplates the page for a moment]
AM: Dammit!
[AM spots MR walking towards his trailer.]
AM: Hey Michael! Check this out and tell me what you think!
MR: [Taking the sheet of paper.] What is it?
AM: The trailer for the premier.
MM: [MR reads it] Hmmm...
AM: Is that a good hmmm, or a bad hmmm?
MR: It's a that's kind of boring hmmm.
AM: Dammit! What can I do to spice it up?
MR: Throw in a few explosions. You cant' miss with that...
AM: Come on Michael...
MR: and some nudity...
AM: ...this is so typical of you!
MR: I know! How about a naked exploding woman robot?
AM: Michael!
MR: Now that would be exciting!
AM: [Snatching the paper away] I'm not putting in any such thing!
MR: In fact... what if Lex's lab was full of them?
AM: What?
MR: Of NEWR. And they are all activated when the dam collapses, hundreds of them! Clark and Bizarro have to work together to defeat a whole swarm of naked exploding women!
AM: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
MR: Hey, you asked my opinion and I gave it. You give them two copies of Clark fighting hundreds of naked women and I guarantee people will tune in in droves.
AM: Why do I even ask, Michael?
MR: My unparalleled charm?
AM: [sighs]
MR: You know who always gives great feedback?
AM: Who?
MR: Erica. She always has great ideas.
AM: If you like being naked.
MR: Like I said, great ideas.
AM: You know what? I'll just show this to Tom.
MR: Tom? Since when does he know what's good?
AM: Tom knows what's not good.
MR: Just keep the robot thing in mind, OK? Run it by Tom. I bet he'll like it!
AM: [Heading towards TW's trailer] Whatever.
MR: [Calling after AM] You know they don't have to be naked! They could wear those tiny silver hot pants!
Next
AM: Here, tell me what you think?
KK: What is it?
AM: The trailer for our episode! Go on, read it.
KK: [Handing the paper back to AM] I don't care, I'm sure it's fine.
AM: Come on, Kristen, please?
KK: Alright, fine.
PomousCV!Voice: Out of death...
[Clark and Chloe holding hands in the rain at a grave site ceremony.]
PomousCV!Voice: ...pain...
[Lex weeping in front of Lana's burned out car. Police are cuffing him.]
Lex: "I swear I'll find out who did this to you."
PomousCV!Voice: ...and destruction...
[Clark standing in a stream as he watches the dam partially collapse. Water crashes down towards him.]
PomousCV!Voice: ...come...
[Shot of the capitol]
PomousCV!Voice: ...hope...
[A man sits across a desk from Martha.]
Man: Your efforts could improve countless lives...
PomousCV!Voice: and healing...
[Chloe holds the hand of a little girl laying on a gurney in a hospital hallway.]
Girl: "Thank you, pretty lady."
PomousCV!Voice: ...as Clark faces perhaps his greatest foe of all...
[Shot from the season six finale]
Clark: Who are you?
Bizarro: I'm you.
PomousCV!Voice: Himself.
[Clark struggling underneath a shallow pool of water as Bizarro holds him down by the neck.]
Bizarro: Face it, Clark. All your weaknesses are my strengths. There's no way you can win!
PomousCV!Voice: On the next Smallville.
[Lionel and Clark talking in the hospital hallway. Chloe lays in bed in the room the behind them.]
Lionel: Clark, I'm worried about your friend, Chloe. She's behaving... oddly.
[Clark looks through the window at Chloe with concern.]
Clark: Does she know?
Lionel: No. No one has told her yet. [Lionel pauses.] I think it would be best coming from you.
[Clark looks at Chloe through the window again, a worried look on his face.]
[Clark and Chloe holding hands in the rain at a grave site ceremony.]
PomousCV!Voice: ...pain...
[Lex weeping in front of Lana's burned out car. Police are cuffing him.]
Lex: "I swear I'll find out who did this to you."
PomousCV!Voice: ...and destruction...
[Clark standing in a stream as he watches the dam partially collapse. Water crashes down towards him.]
PomousCV!Voice: ...come...
[Shot of the capitol]
PomousCV!Voice: ...hope...
[A man sits across a desk from Martha.]
Man: Your efforts could improve countless lives...
PomousCV!Voice: and healing...
[Chloe holds the hand of a little girl laying on a gurney in a hospital hallway.]
Girl: "Thank you, pretty lady."
PomousCV!Voice: ...as Clark faces perhaps his greatest foe of all...
[Shot from the season six finale]
Clark: Who are you?
Bizarro: I'm you.
PomousCV!Voice: Himself.
[Clark struggling underneath a shallow pool of water as Bizarro holds him down by the neck.]
Bizarro: Face it, Clark. All your weaknesses are my strengths. There's no way you can win!
PomousCV!Voice: On the next Smallville.
[Lionel and Clark talking in the hospital hallway. Chloe lays in bed in the room the behind them.]
Lionel: Clark, I'm worried about your friend, Chloe. She's behaving... oddly.
[Clark looks through the window at Chloe with concern.]
Clark: Does she know?
Lionel: No. No one has told her yet. [Lionel pauses.] I think it would be best coming from you.
[Clark looks at Chloe through the window again, a worried look on his face.]
AM: So?
KK: It's fine. Whatever. I don't care. [Hands the paper back.]
AM: That's it? Did you like it? Was it good, bad? What?
KK: It's fine.
AM: Just fine?!?! What's wrong with it? How can I make it better?
KK: Don't sweat it, Allison, it's fine.
AM: I don't want it to be fine I want it to be great! It's boring isn't it? You see this trailer and you have no desire to watch, do you?
KK: I'm a bit biased. I haven't had a desire to watch for six years.
AM: Imagine if you didn't know anything about the show. Would this make you want to watch?
KK: I don't know.
AM: What would make you want to watch?
KK: [sighs] You know what? What you have is great. If I'd never seen the show I'd definitely want to watch.
AM: Well now you're just patronizing me!
KK: I am not!
AM: Really? What part makes you want to watch.
KK: The fact Lana is dead. [KK starts walking off]
AM: [Calling after KK] If you'd never seen the show how would you know Lana is dead?!?!?
[AM contemplates the page for a moment]
AM: Dammit!
[AM spots MR walking towards his trailer.]
AM: Hey Michael! Check this out and tell me what you think!
MR: [Taking the sheet of paper.] What is it?
AM: The trailer for the premier.
MM: [MR reads it] Hmmm...
AM: Is that a good hmmm, or a bad hmmm?
MR: It's a that's kind of boring hmmm.
AM: Dammit! What can I do to spice it up?
MR: Throw in a few explosions. You cant' miss with that...
AM: Come on Michael...
MR: and some nudity...
AM: ...this is so typical of you!
MR: I know! How about a naked exploding woman robot?
AM: Michael!
MR: Now that would be exciting!
AM: [Snatching the paper away] I'm not putting in any such thing!
MR: In fact... what if Lex's lab was full of them?
AM: What?
MR: Of NEWR. And they are all activated when the dam collapses, hundreds of them! Clark and Bizarro have to work together to defeat a whole swarm of naked exploding women!
AM: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard!
MR: Hey, you asked my opinion and I gave it. You give them two copies of Clark fighting hundreds of naked women and I guarantee people will tune in in droves.
AM: Why do I even ask, Michael?
MR: My unparalleled charm?
AM: [sighs]
MR: You know who always gives great feedback?
AM: Who?
MR: Erica. She always has great ideas.
AM: If you like being naked.
MR: Like I said, great ideas.
AM: You know what? I'll just show this to Tom.
MR: Tom? Since when does he know what's good?
AM: Tom knows what's not good.
MR: Just keep the robot thing in mind, OK? Run it by Tom. I bet he'll like it!
AM: [Heading towards TW's trailer] Whatever.
MR: [Calling after AM] You know they don't have to be naked! They could wear those tiny silver hot pants!
Next
An Interview with CV!MR
The sixth in a series of fictional interviews.
RepairmanBob: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. Mr. Rosenbaum.
Michael Rosenbaum: (Playing Wii) Sure, no problem. Call me Michael.
RB: Ok, Michael. I would like to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
MR: Sure. Just let me finish this game.
RB: Ok. First, what do you think of Lex Luthor’s marriage to Lana Lang this year.
MR: (looks pained) You just had to ask about Lana, didn’t you? Damn it.
RB: (steps back) You aren’t going to shoot me with a dart gun, are you?
MR: Why would I (Looks at RB) Dear Lord! Have you been sleeping in a dumpster?
RB: I interviewed John first.
MR: Ah, I understand.
RB: So, back to Lex and Lana. I have to ask – what happened?
MR: Well, I was going to keep this under wraps, but my fans deserve to know. This is bigger than Tom leaking the story about Lex and Lana’s baby. The big secret of season six is that Lana Lang is a brain eating krypto-freak!
RB: Really?
MR: Look at all the evidence. (Turns off Wii, moves to a table with a laptop. Opens a PowerPoint file.) For years, Clark has acted like a moron around Lana. All of a sudden, Lex starts dating Lana and he gets dumber by the episode.
RB: That does make sense.
MR: (Starts the PowerPoint presentation) Look at Sneeze . Lana bitches about Lex’s cameras, and he tells her “Shut up bitch!”
RB: That is true.
MR: Or Wither. Lex gets annoyed with Lana, and tells her to not give him crap over her issues with Clark.
RB: Good point.
MR: My favorite in Arrow. Lex sets up an elaborate scenario to test Lana’s loyalty! And it works! He is smart and evil!
RB: That was the best part of an otherwise annoying episode.
MR: Then it all goes to hell in Fallout. Any time Lana is around, Lex is a moron. No Lana, and he is great.
RB: I have to agree.
MR: Just wait – it gets better. (More slides). Rage – No Lana, and he is controlling Ollie’s secret super steroid program and experimenting on criminals. Scenes with Lana, he is a pitiful mess. Static – Lex babbles on and on about Lana. Thank God I was drunk for that entire episode, or I would not have been able to get the lines out. And don’t even get me started on Hydro. “Lana, I know you love Clark best, but I’ll be happy to wait around until you two are finished having sex and drive you home like a loyal manservant.”
RB: Also drunk for that one?
MR: No, but I wish I had been. Hell, take Lana away for Justice and Lex is great. He builds a base just to torture Flash!
RB: Impulse.
MR: Whatever. The point is, Lana eats Lex’s brain whenever they are together.
RB: I always thought it was a malfunctioning Lex Clone.
MR: That’s just crazy talk. Lana eats brains!
RB: It does explain Promise.
MR: Now you are getting it! First episode I write this season, we will be exploring how Lana ate the brains of the entire cast. It will actually explain all of the crap from season six.
RB: What about Kristin?
MR: Are you kidding? She’ll love it.
RB: Speaking of Kristin, I would like to ask you about the rest of the cast. How do you like working with Tom?
MR: Tom is great. Very easy to manipulate. As long as I don't make Clark look too bad, I can talk him into anything. Remember the naked exploding female robots?
RB: I loved that episode!
MR: Good times.
RB: Annette?
MR: Tough lady, but easy to bribe. Throws a mean left hook.
RB: Kristin?
MR: She could care less what I do. Honestly, with Lana dead she will probably sleep through the writing sessions for the rest of her contract.
RB: Is it true you took out a restaining order against John?
MR: John is crazy! And not a fun, wacky crazy. The man really has anger management issues. Can you believe he threatened to drug me and lock me in a dumpster?
RB: ...
MR: I guess you could.
RB: How about Allison? I heard you two don't get along well.
MR: Really? Who said that?
RB: Allison.
MR: Allison has managed to completely alienate every staff member. We all play games to get the stories we want, but her stupid obsession about making Chloe look good... well, she fucked us all. Losing all of the hard work we put in on the "lost" season, GreenArrowVille, everyone looking like brainless fuckwits so Lana could look good, that godawful baby storyline - all Allison's fault. Erica was the only one who was even mildly civil to her. To be honest, I feel a litle sorry for her.
RB: Speaking of Allison and Chloe, I wanted to ask you about the rumors of a secret season 3.5.
MR: (suddenly concerned.) What?
RB: There is a rumor that episodes were filmed that showed the time between season three and four, where Chloe and Lex were romantically linked.
MR: (nervous laugh) That’s just crazy. Chloe and Lex together? (Quickly scribbles a note, passes it to RB) Lex would never date a high school student!
RB: (Reads note out loud.) “It is not safe to talk here. They are listening. I will tell you everything later.”
MR: Be quiet!
(From outside the trailer, screaming can be heard.) Rosenbaum! Where are you, boy? I know there is no way Durance could pull this off on her own!
MR: Oh crap! It’s John!
JG: (Bangs on trailer door) Open up Rosenbaum! I know you are behind this! Somehow you got me thrown off Father Knows Best, and you will pay!
MR: I have a restraining order out against him! He is insane!
RB: Well, thanks for the interview. I’ll just let myself out this window –
MR: Tell him I’m not here! Distract him until I can get security!
JG: (banging on trailer door) Open up damn it! You are just making it worse for yourself!
MR: Listen, if you can distract him for 5 minutes, I’ll tell you everything you want to know. The big plot twist we have planned for this season!
RB: No!
MR: Guest stars!
RB: He drugged me and locked me in a dumpster!
JG: (Kicking door) Let me in and take you beating like a man!
MR: Season 3.5!
RB: Damn, I’ll do it.
MR: Thanks pal! (pulls out a cell phone, hides behind couch.)
JG: (Kicks door open). Now come here you little – you’re not Michael.
RB: I am just waiting for an interview. No one else is here. In fact, I’ll be going now.
JG: Hold on a minute. Haven’t I threatened you before?
RB: Probably. I’ll get out of your way –
JG: Well, if you are waiting for Michael, you can give him a message for me.
RB: You aren’t going to shoot me with dart again, are you?
JG: Don’t be absurd. (zaps RB with a tazer) Pass that along when you see Michael.
RB: Ow.
JG: Are you giving me lip? (zaps RB again) I don’t take lip from reporters. (Stomps away, screaming for Michael)
MR: (From behind couch) I told you, get security here now! He is dangerous!
MR: I don’t care if Al says we are out of money! Take it out of the budget for Kristin and John’s hair care products!
MR: Yes, he knocked out another reporter. I told you, someone needs to search John when he comes on the lot!
MR: And get an intern to my trailer to drag the body away.
Next
RepairmanBob: Thanks for taking the time to meet with me today. Mr. Rosenbaum.
Michael Rosenbaum: (Playing Wii) Sure, no problem. Call me Michael.
RB: Ok, Michael. I would like to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
MR: Sure. Just let me finish this game.
RB: Ok. First, what do you think of Lex Luthor’s marriage to Lana Lang this year.
MR: (looks pained) You just had to ask about Lana, didn’t you? Damn it.
RB: (steps back) You aren’t going to shoot me with a dart gun, are you?
MR: Why would I (Looks at RB) Dear Lord! Have you been sleeping in a dumpster?
RB: I interviewed John first.
MR: Ah, I understand.
RB: So, back to Lex and Lana. I have to ask – what happened?
MR: Well, I was going to keep this under wraps, but my fans deserve to know. This is bigger than Tom leaking the story about Lex and Lana’s baby. The big secret of season six is that Lana Lang is a brain eating krypto-freak!
RB: Really?
MR: Look at all the evidence. (Turns off Wii, moves to a table with a laptop. Opens a PowerPoint file.) For years, Clark has acted like a moron around Lana. All of a sudden, Lex starts dating Lana and he gets dumber by the episode.
RB: That does make sense.
MR: (Starts the PowerPoint presentation) Look at Sneeze . Lana bitches about Lex’s cameras, and he tells her “Shut up bitch!”
RB: That is true.
MR: Or Wither. Lex gets annoyed with Lana, and tells her to not give him crap over her issues with Clark.
RB: Good point.
MR: My favorite in Arrow. Lex sets up an elaborate scenario to test Lana’s loyalty! And it works! He is smart and evil!
RB: That was the best part of an otherwise annoying episode.
MR: Then it all goes to hell in Fallout. Any time Lana is around, Lex is a moron. No Lana, and he is great.
RB: I have to agree.
MR: Just wait – it gets better. (More slides). Rage – No Lana, and he is controlling Ollie’s secret super steroid program and experimenting on criminals. Scenes with Lana, he is a pitiful mess. Static – Lex babbles on and on about Lana. Thank God I was drunk for that entire episode, or I would not have been able to get the lines out. And don’t even get me started on Hydro. “Lana, I know you love Clark best, but I’ll be happy to wait around until you two are finished having sex and drive you home like a loyal manservant.”
RB: Also drunk for that one?
MR: No, but I wish I had been. Hell, take Lana away for Justice and Lex is great. He builds a base just to torture Flash!
RB: Impulse.
MR: Whatever. The point is, Lana eats Lex’s brain whenever they are together.
RB: I always thought it was a malfunctioning Lex Clone.
MR: That’s just crazy talk. Lana eats brains!
RB: It does explain Promise.
MR: Now you are getting it! First episode I write this season, we will be exploring how Lana ate the brains of the entire cast. It will actually explain all of the crap from season six.
RB: What about Kristin?
MR: Are you kidding? She’ll love it.
RB: Speaking of Kristin, I would like to ask you about the rest of the cast. How do you like working with Tom?
MR: Tom is great. Very easy to manipulate. As long as I don't make Clark look too bad, I can talk him into anything. Remember the naked exploding female robots?
RB: I loved that episode!
MR: Good times.
RB: Annette?
MR: Tough lady, but easy to bribe. Throws a mean left hook.
RB: Kristin?
MR: She could care less what I do. Honestly, with Lana dead she will probably sleep through the writing sessions for the rest of her contract.
RB: Is it true you took out a restaining order against John?
MR: John is crazy! And not a fun, wacky crazy. The man really has anger management issues. Can you believe he threatened to drug me and lock me in a dumpster?
RB: ...
MR: I guess you could.
RB: How about Allison? I heard you two don't get along well.
MR: Really? Who said that?
RB: Allison.
MR: Allison has managed to completely alienate every staff member. We all play games to get the stories we want, but her stupid obsession about making Chloe look good... well, she fucked us all. Losing all of the hard work we put in on the "lost" season, GreenArrowVille, everyone looking like brainless fuckwits so Lana could look good, that godawful baby storyline - all Allison's fault. Erica was the only one who was even mildly civil to her. To be honest, I feel a litle sorry for her.
RB: Speaking of Allison and Chloe, I wanted to ask you about the rumors of a secret season 3.5.
MR: (suddenly concerned.) What?
RB: There is a rumor that episodes were filmed that showed the time between season three and four, where Chloe and Lex were romantically linked.
MR: (nervous laugh) That’s just crazy. Chloe and Lex together? (Quickly scribbles a note, passes it to RB) Lex would never date a high school student!
RB: (Reads note out loud.) “It is not safe to talk here. They are listening. I will tell you everything later.”
MR: Be quiet!
(From outside the trailer, screaming can be heard.) Rosenbaum! Where are you, boy? I know there is no way Durance could pull this off on her own!
MR: Oh crap! It’s John!
JG: (Bangs on trailer door) Open up Rosenbaum! I know you are behind this! Somehow you got me thrown off Father Knows Best, and you will pay!
MR: I have a restraining order out against him! He is insane!
RB: Well, thanks for the interview. I’ll just let myself out this window –
MR: Tell him I’m not here! Distract him until I can get security!
JG: (banging on trailer door) Open up damn it! You are just making it worse for yourself!
MR: Listen, if you can distract him for 5 minutes, I’ll tell you everything you want to know. The big plot twist we have planned for this season!
RB: No!
MR: Guest stars!
RB: He drugged me and locked me in a dumpster!
JG: (Kicking door) Let me in and take you beating like a man!
MR: Season 3.5!
RB: Damn, I’ll do it.
MR: Thanks pal! (pulls out a cell phone, hides behind couch.)
JG: (Kicks door open). Now come here you little – you’re not Michael.
RB: I am just waiting for an interview. No one else is here. In fact, I’ll be going now.
JG: Hold on a minute. Haven’t I threatened you before?
RB: Probably. I’ll get out of your way –
JG: Well, if you are waiting for Michael, you can give him a message for me.
RB: You aren’t going to shoot me with dart again, are you?
JG: Don’t be absurd. (zaps RB with a tazer) Pass that along when you see Michael.
RB: Ow.
JG: Are you giving me lip? (zaps RB again) I don’t take lip from reporters. (Stomps away, screaming for Michael)
MR: (From behind couch) I told you, get security here now! He is dangerous!
MR: I don’t care if Al says we are out of money! Take it out of the budget for Kristin and John’s hair care products!
MR: Yes, he knocked out another reporter. I told you, someone needs to search John when he comes on the lot!
MR: And get an intern to my trailer to drag the body away.
Next
The $%*# finally hits the fan
[AG & MM video conference with LM (Les Moonves, president of CBS)]
AG: This isn't fair Les, you can't do this to us!
LM: Technically we own you. We can do anything we want.
AG: But why take Erica? It completely screws us over! She's our Lois Lane!
MM: I hope you're not going to claim she was the most talented actress to apply.
LM: She is perfect for the part but frankly our reasons for choosing Ms. Durance are not your business.
MM: [To AG] OK, let's call up Erica. The charade has gone on long enough. Tell her we'll give Lois a decent arc this year. Hell, let's give her a pony if she wants one.
AG: [Heading to the phone] I told you we should have let her in on the whole writing the season themselves thing.
MM: But...
AG: But no. You just had to mess with her head.
MM: The good thing is we can still get her back.
LM: Actually you can't.
AG: [stops dialing] What? If she doesn't want to be on your show you can't keep her there!
LM: We can if we choose. She's under contract.
MM: Keep someone on a show even though you know she wants to leave? Who would do that? That's just plain evil!
LM: Perhaps you should have a chat with Ms. Kreuk about such things.
AG: Don't start playing dirty with us, Les!
LM: That's the way the cookie crumbles. We're keeping Erica and there's nothing you can do about it. Goodbye.
MM: Wait! Surely there is something we can offer to change your mind!
LM: I don't think so.
AG: What if we found you another actress!?!?
MM: Even better than Erica!
LM: [interested] You're willing to give me Kreuk?
AG: Are you kidding? We can't give her up.
MM: Besides, we said a better actress.
AG: Somebody brand new.
LM: Not interested.
AG: But you haven't even heard who it is!
LM: I don't care!
MM: You could be passing up the greatest casting opportunity of the century!
LM: [sighs] Look, the bottom line is this isn't about Erica, it's about Glover.
AG: Glover? What do you mean?
LM: He scares the crap out of the rest of the cast. Nobody wants to work with him.
MM: That's why you're stealing Durance!?!? Because Glover scares your cast?
AG: Is she supposed to run interference?
MM: Besides, you can only take one! You can't have them both.
LM: Exactly. If we take her we have legal grounds to dump Glover. Besides, even though at first she really didn't want to be here...
AG: She didn't?
LM: No. In fact her lawyers descended upon us like locusts! For a while there I thought we were going to be entrenched in a long legal battle but it turned out she gets along great with the rest of the cast and eventually thanks to a sizable pay hike and other accommodations such as final script approval she called off the dogs. And unlike Glover she hasn't threatened a single cast member yet. It's pretty refreshing really. Frankly I don't know how you guys manage to put out a quality... um, let me rephrase that, put out a show on a weekly basis considering what you have to work with.
MM: So she doesn't want to come back now?
AG: [whispers to MM] Offer him Allison.
MM: What?
AG: Trade Allison for Erica!
MM: We can't afford to lose Allison she's our only ally.
AG: That's only because everybody is mad at her. The dislike is rubbing off on us. If we get rid of her everyone, or most everyone, will like us again.
MM: Ooohh. Hey Les, how about we give you Allison Mack?
LM: What gives you the impression I want to go from dealing with John Glover to dealing with that woman?!?!
AG: Actually we've found her very co-operative.
MM: And she's a good actress!
LM: Yeah? There are plenty of good actresses looking for work and most of them don't try to drug their employer. The last thing I want is someone on set stirring up trouble. Besides, aside from the whole drug thing I'd prefer to stick with an actress who hasn't managed to piss off every single one of her co-workers. Whats more, Erica is happy here now. She'd be devastated if we told her she had to go back to you guys.
MM: Come on, our show isn't that bad.
LM: I think her words were something to the effect of "When all you know is gruel gruel doesn't seem so bad but then one day someone serves you fillet mignon and you never want to eat gruel ever again."
AG: What's that supposed to mean?
LM: It means she wants to stay with us, the fillet mignon.
MM: She's comparing us to gruel! That ungrateful little...
AG: There's no way CBS is fillet mignon! Maybe a sirloin but fillet? I don't think so...
MM: This is an outrage! You've turned our own cast against us!
AG: And gruel? We're at least ground beef! Maybe even chopped steak!
MM: Shut up, Al!
AG: What did I say?
MM: We'll see you in court! [MM flicks off the video conferencing equipment] Dammit!
AG: What the hell are we going to do now?
MM: With John coming back? Bulk up on security.
AG: And I thought we were finally free of Glover. Dammit! Life just isn't fair!
MM: You're telling me. [picks up the phone and dials]
AG: What are you doing?
MM: Calling Allison.
AG: Can you believe what a turn coat Durance turned out to be?
MM: Absolutely! No loyalty! So ungrateful!
AG: After all we did for her!
MM: We'll show her! [Into the phone] Oh, hi, Allison?
MM: It's Miles.
MM: No, we didn't tell the rest of the cast anything.
MM: Honest.
MM: They knew? It was supposed to be a secret.
MM: Well Stephen is a jerk! You did get them to agree to write didn't you?
MM: Excellent! Listen, we're going to need your help with another matter.
MM: Durance is out and adjustments need to be made.
MM: I know! I'm shocked and disappointed too.
MM: Come up right away. It's conspiracy time. [Hangs up]
AG: What did she say?
MM: She has some ideas she wants to share with us.
AG: Ideas? Already?
MM: What can I say? She has an uncanny way of being prepared for the most unpredictable circumstances.
AG: True. It's probably a good thing we didn't trade her to Les for Erica after all.
MM: Yeah, we can always count on Allison.
AG: Good ol' Allison.
MM: You think she'll like our Supergirl idea?
AG: Eh, maybe. But we've got bigger problems now. If she wants to nix Supergirl no big loss. Too bad with Erica is gone we can't have Lois sleep her way into a job at the Daily Planet anymore.
MM: Damn, you're right! I loved that idea.
AG: Me too, Miles, me too.
Next
AG: This isn't fair Les, you can't do this to us!
LM: Technically we own you. We can do anything we want.
AG: But why take Erica? It completely screws us over! She's our Lois Lane!
MM: I hope you're not going to claim she was the most talented actress to apply.
LM: She is perfect for the part but frankly our reasons for choosing Ms. Durance are not your business.
MM: [To AG] OK, let's call up Erica. The charade has gone on long enough. Tell her we'll give Lois a decent arc this year. Hell, let's give her a pony if she wants one.
AG: [Heading to the phone] I told you we should have let her in on the whole writing the season themselves thing.
MM: But...
AG: But no. You just had to mess with her head.
MM: The good thing is we can still get her back.
LM: Actually you can't.
AG: [stops dialing] What? If she doesn't want to be on your show you can't keep her there!
LM: We can if we choose. She's under contract.
MM: Keep someone on a show even though you know she wants to leave? Who would do that? That's just plain evil!
LM: Perhaps you should have a chat with Ms. Kreuk about such things.
AG: Don't start playing dirty with us, Les!
LM: That's the way the cookie crumbles. We're keeping Erica and there's nothing you can do about it. Goodbye.
MM: Wait! Surely there is something we can offer to change your mind!
LM: I don't think so.
AG: What if we found you another actress!?!?
MM: Even better than Erica!
LM: [interested] You're willing to give me Kreuk?
AG: Are you kidding? We can't give her up.
MM: Besides, we said a better actress.
AG: Somebody brand new.
LM: Not interested.
AG: But you haven't even heard who it is!
LM: I don't care!
MM: You could be passing up the greatest casting opportunity of the century!
LM: [sighs] Look, the bottom line is this isn't about Erica, it's about Glover.
AG: Glover? What do you mean?
LM: He scares the crap out of the rest of the cast. Nobody wants to work with him.
MM: That's why you're stealing Durance!?!? Because Glover scares your cast?
AG: Is she supposed to run interference?
MM: Besides, you can only take one! You can't have them both.
LM: Exactly. If we take her we have legal grounds to dump Glover. Besides, even though at first she really didn't want to be here...
AG: She didn't?
LM: No. In fact her lawyers descended upon us like locusts! For a while there I thought we were going to be entrenched in a long legal battle but it turned out she gets along great with the rest of the cast and eventually thanks to a sizable pay hike and other accommodations such as final script approval she called off the dogs. And unlike Glover she hasn't threatened a single cast member yet. It's pretty refreshing really. Frankly I don't know how you guys manage to put out a quality... um, let me rephrase that, put out a show on a weekly basis considering what you have to work with.
MM: So she doesn't want to come back now?
AG: [whispers to MM] Offer him Allison.
MM: What?
AG: Trade Allison for Erica!
MM: We can't afford to lose Allison she's our only ally.
AG: That's only because everybody is mad at her. The dislike is rubbing off on us. If we get rid of her everyone, or most everyone, will like us again.
MM: Ooohh. Hey Les, how about we give you Allison Mack?
LM: What gives you the impression I want to go from dealing with John Glover to dealing with that woman?!?!
AG: Actually we've found her very co-operative.
MM: And she's a good actress!
LM: Yeah? There are plenty of good actresses looking for work and most of them don't try to drug their employer. The last thing I want is someone on set stirring up trouble. Besides, aside from the whole drug thing I'd prefer to stick with an actress who hasn't managed to piss off every single one of her co-workers. Whats more, Erica is happy here now. She'd be devastated if we told her she had to go back to you guys.
MM: Come on, our show isn't that bad.
LM: I think her words were something to the effect of "When all you know is gruel gruel doesn't seem so bad but then one day someone serves you fillet mignon and you never want to eat gruel ever again."
AG: What's that supposed to mean?
LM: It means she wants to stay with us, the fillet mignon.
MM: She's comparing us to gruel! That ungrateful little...
AG: There's no way CBS is fillet mignon! Maybe a sirloin but fillet? I don't think so...
MM: This is an outrage! You've turned our own cast against us!
AG: And gruel? We're at least ground beef! Maybe even chopped steak!
MM: Shut up, Al!
AG: What did I say?
MM: We'll see you in court! [MM flicks off the video conferencing equipment] Dammit!
AG: What the hell are we going to do now?
MM: With John coming back? Bulk up on security.
AG: And I thought we were finally free of Glover. Dammit! Life just isn't fair!
MM: You're telling me. [picks up the phone and dials]
AG: What are you doing?
MM: Calling Allison.
AG: Can you believe what a turn coat Durance turned out to be?
MM: Absolutely! No loyalty! So ungrateful!
AG: After all we did for her!
MM: We'll show her! [Into the phone] Oh, hi, Allison?
MM: It's Miles.
MM: No, we didn't tell the rest of the cast anything.
MM: Honest.
MM: They knew? It was supposed to be a secret.
MM: Well Stephen is a jerk! You did get them to agree to write didn't you?
MM: Excellent! Listen, we're going to need your help with another matter.
MM: Durance is out and adjustments need to be made.
MM: I know! I'm shocked and disappointed too.
MM: Come up right away. It's conspiracy time. [Hangs up]
AG: What did she say?
MM: She has some ideas she wants to share with us.
AG: Ideas? Already?
MM: What can I say? She has an uncanny way of being prepared for the most unpredictable circumstances.
AG: True. It's probably a good thing we didn't trade her to Les for Erica after all.
MM: Yeah, we can always count on Allison.
AG: Good ol' Allison.
MM: You think she'll like our Supergirl idea?
AG: Eh, maybe. But we've got bigger problems now. If she wants to nix Supergirl no big loss. Too bad with Erica is gone we can't have Lois sleep her way into a job at the Daily Planet anymore.
MM: Damn, you're right! I loved that idea.
AG: Me too, Miles, me too.
Next
The Big Meeting
[Cast sit TW, KK, MR, and AoT chatting. AM enters and clears her throat.]
AM: Can we come to attention now?
MR: What? Are you our boss now?
KK: Don't even kid, Michael.
AM: No, I'm not your boss.
MR: Thank God.
AM: Not that things wouldn't work more easily that way.
MR: So what's the big news you had to get us all together to tell us?
AoT: And why isn't Erica here?
AM: Erica is indisposed at the moment.
TW: She told me she had to meet with her lawyer...
MR: She didn't get arrested for indecent exposure, did she?
TW: ...and her agent.
KK: Ah, contract negotiations.
MR: If she gets a raise we better all get raises...
AM: I've been asked to present something to you.
MR: Great.
KK: [Standing] If this comes from Al and Miles I'm leaving.
AM: Relax, Kristen, it's good news.
MR: Good news? From Al & Miles?
TW: They're quiting?
AoT: Again?
KK: That really didn't work all that well the first time.
AM: They aren't quitting!
MR: Dammit, Allison, I thought this was supposed to be good news!
AM: It is.
MR: Them not quiting isn't good...
AM: That's not the news, you idiot!
MR: Whoa. Take a chill pill there, partner.
KK: What is this so called good news, then?
MR: Is it about the reporters that wound up in the dumpster? Because I didn't have anything to do...
AM: It's not about that either!
MR: Well then what is it about?
AM: If you would just shut up for five seconds I could tell you.
MR: I'm shutting up.
AM: Al and Miles wanted me to...
MR: Could you just get on with it?
AM: They want us to write the episodes again! OK?!?!
TW: That's all?
AM: That's big news. Huge!
KK: I thought you were going to tell us something we didn't already know. [Stands] What a waste of time.
AM: Wait. You knew we were going to write our own episodes?
TW: It was hard not to clue in when SDK packed up his office.
AM: He was leaving anyway. That shouldn't have set off any alarm bells.
MR: The packing wasn't. The foaming at the mouth was.
AM: You've known we were going to write our own episodes since Steven left?!?!
KK: You didn't?
AM: No!
TW: We assumed you did.
KK: Actually I was pretty sure she didn't.
MR: Really? Why?
KK: If she did she would have gotten all anal retentive about mapping out the season and assigning episodes and whatnot.
AM: I'm not anal-retentive!
TW: You're a bit controlling though.
AM: I am not!
AoT: Then why did you call us her to make a big important announcement instead of, oh, I don't know sending email?
AM: Email is not the appropriate form of communication for this type of thing!
MR: See? controlling.
AM: Shut up!
TW: Aren't you supposed to be convincing us to co-operate?
AM: Yes.
MR: Telling us to shut up isn't likely to do that.
AM: It works for me. So are you going to do it or not?
AoT: Do we have any other choice?
AM: Not really.
MR: So I guess we'll do it.
AM: Now, about planning out the season.
MR: Don't tell me we have to do that now? I just got a new Wii game!
AM: I could just plan the season for you.
KK: I don't think so. I want to make sure Lana stays dead.
AM: I have this room booked for the rest of the day.
KK: If anyone tries to make Lana live...
TW: It's the writers' room, Allison. If we're the writers now why would be have to book it?
AM: I don't know. I just wanted to make sure we had it.
KK: ...I'll personally see to it they die a slow and painful death.
MR: See? Controlling. No one else is going to want the room but you have to go and reserve it.
KK: Are you guys even listening to me?!?!
MR: Relax, Kristen, we're all perfectly OK with Lana being dead.
AM: Are we sure about that?
[Cast looks at AM. KK grits her teeth.]
AM: Yes. I guess we are sure about that.
AoT: What about Erica?
AM: She's going to be meeting with her lawyers all day. She said go on with out her.
MR: OK. But her story arc is going to suck donkey balls.
AM: I was thinking maybe we could leave it out.
KK: Leave it out?
AM: Yeah, and then, you know she can fill in whatever she wants when she gets here.
AoT: Oh. OK. She'll like that.
TW: I want to write the premier!
KK: I want the premier!
AoT: Why don't you two share it?
TW: Is that OK with everybody else?
AM: Al and Miles promised me the premier.
KK: Why?
AM: Just... you know, there's some stuff I wanted to do regarding Chloe's meteor ability.
TW: You can just tell us what it is and we'll put it in for you.
AM: No. They gave me the episode. It's mine and I get to choose who writes it with me.
MR: What the hell kind of system is that?
AM: It's their system. Don't try to make sense of it.
AoT: Well how many episodes do I get? It should be more than last year since we have one fewer cast member.
AM: Actually...
AoT: You've got to be kidding! Only three again?
AM: Actually...
AoT: Less than three?
AM: They distributed the episodes among me, Tom, Michael and Kristen.
AoT: None!?!? WTF!?!
AM: I'm sure you'll be picked to write several episodes though.
Aot: The very idea!
AM: I have you as co-writer on one.
AoT: This is a slap in the face!
KK: I want to write the premier with you! Tell me you picked me for the premier!
AM: I'm sorry, Kristen. I was thinking Tom would be...
TW: No, go ahead. Kristen wants to make sure Lana is dead. I'll have plenty of other episodes to write.
AM: Actually I wanted to write it with you, Tom.
KK: Allison, what's the big deal? You know I'll let you do whatever you want with the episode.
AM: I know but...
KK: Just as long as Lana is dead.
AM: But...
MR: You're trying to keep Lana alive, aren't you?
AM: What?
KK: Allison, that's not true, is it?
AM: Of course not.
TW: Then what's the big idea?
AM: OK. Kristen can write the premier with me.
KK: Yay! It's just like old times! This is going to be great!
AM: [weak smile] Yes, it's going to be great.
Next
AM: Can we come to attention now?
MR: What? Are you our boss now?
KK: Don't even kid, Michael.
AM: No, I'm not your boss.
MR: Thank God.
AM: Not that things wouldn't work more easily that way.
MR: So what's the big news you had to get us all together to tell us?
AoT: And why isn't Erica here?
AM: Erica is indisposed at the moment.
TW: She told me she had to meet with her lawyer...
MR: She didn't get arrested for indecent exposure, did she?
TW: ...and her agent.
KK: Ah, contract negotiations.
MR: If she gets a raise we better all get raises...
AM: I've been asked to present something to you.
MR: Great.
KK: [Standing] If this comes from Al and Miles I'm leaving.
AM: Relax, Kristen, it's good news.
MR: Good news? From Al & Miles?
TW: They're quiting?
AoT: Again?
KK: That really didn't work all that well the first time.
AM: They aren't quitting!
MR: Dammit, Allison, I thought this was supposed to be good news!
AM: It is.
MR: Them not quiting isn't good...
AM: That's not the news, you idiot!
MR: Whoa. Take a chill pill there, partner.
KK: What is this so called good news, then?
MR: Is it about the reporters that wound up in the dumpster? Because I didn't have anything to do...
AM: It's not about that either!
MR: Well then what is it about?
AM: If you would just shut up for five seconds I could tell you.
MR: I'm shutting up.
AM: Al and Miles wanted me to...
MR: Could you just get on with it?
AM: They want us to write the episodes again! OK?!?!
TW: That's all?
AM: That's big news. Huge!
KK: I thought you were going to tell us something we didn't already know. [Stands] What a waste of time.
AM: Wait. You knew we were going to write our own episodes?
TW: It was hard not to clue in when SDK packed up his office.
AM: He was leaving anyway. That shouldn't have set off any alarm bells.
MR: The packing wasn't. The foaming at the mouth was.
AM: You've known we were going to write our own episodes since Steven left?!?!
KK: You didn't?
AM: No!
TW: We assumed you did.
KK: Actually I was pretty sure she didn't.
MR: Really? Why?
KK: If she did she would have gotten all anal retentive about mapping out the season and assigning episodes and whatnot.
AM: I'm not anal-retentive!
TW: You're a bit controlling though.
AM: I am not!
AoT: Then why did you call us her to make a big important announcement instead of, oh, I don't know sending email?
AM: Email is not the appropriate form of communication for this type of thing!
MR: See? controlling.
AM: Shut up!
TW: Aren't you supposed to be convincing us to co-operate?
AM: Yes.
MR: Telling us to shut up isn't likely to do that.
AM: It works for me. So are you going to do it or not?
AoT: Do we have any other choice?
AM: Not really.
MR: So I guess we'll do it.
AM: Now, about planning out the season.
MR: Don't tell me we have to do that now? I just got a new Wii game!
AM: I could just plan the season for you.
KK: I don't think so. I want to make sure Lana stays dead.
AM: I have this room booked for the rest of the day.
KK: If anyone tries to make Lana live...
TW: It's the writers' room, Allison. If we're the writers now why would be have to book it?
AM: I don't know. I just wanted to make sure we had it.
KK: ...I'll personally see to it they die a slow and painful death.
MR: See? Controlling. No one else is going to want the room but you have to go and reserve it.
KK: Are you guys even listening to me?!?!
MR: Relax, Kristen, we're all perfectly OK with Lana being dead.
AM: Are we sure about that?
[Cast looks at AM. KK grits her teeth.]
AM: Yes. I guess we are sure about that.
AoT: What about Erica?
AM: She's going to be meeting with her lawyers all day. She said go on with out her.
MR: OK. But her story arc is going to suck donkey balls.
AM: I was thinking maybe we could leave it out.
KK: Leave it out?
AM: Yeah, and then, you know she can fill in whatever she wants when she gets here.
AoT: Oh. OK. She'll like that.
TW: I want to write the premier!
KK: I want the premier!
AoT: Why don't you two share it?
TW: Is that OK with everybody else?
AM: Al and Miles promised me the premier.
KK: Why?
AM: Just... you know, there's some stuff I wanted to do regarding Chloe's meteor ability.
TW: You can just tell us what it is and we'll put it in for you.
AM: No. They gave me the episode. It's mine and I get to choose who writes it with me.
MR: What the hell kind of system is that?
AM: It's their system. Don't try to make sense of it.
AoT: Well how many episodes do I get? It should be more than last year since we have one fewer cast member.
AM: Actually...
AoT: You've got to be kidding! Only three again?
AM: Actually...
AoT: Less than three?
AM: They distributed the episodes among me, Tom, Michael and Kristen.
AoT: None!?!? WTF!?!
AM: I'm sure you'll be picked to write several episodes though.
Aot: The very idea!
AM: I have you as co-writer on one.
AoT: This is a slap in the face!
KK: I want to write the premier with you! Tell me you picked me for the premier!
AM: I'm sorry, Kristen. I was thinking Tom would be...
TW: No, go ahead. Kristen wants to make sure Lana is dead. I'll have plenty of other episodes to write.
AM: Actually I wanted to write it with you, Tom.
KK: Allison, what's the big deal? You know I'll let you do whatever you want with the episode.
AM: I know but...
KK: Just as long as Lana is dead.
AM: But...
MR: You're trying to keep Lana alive, aren't you?
AM: What?
KK: Allison, that's not true, is it?
AM: Of course not.
TW: Then what's the big idea?
AM: OK. Kristen can write the premier with me.
KK: Yay! It's just like old times! This is going to be great!
AM: [weak smile] Yes, it's going to be great.
Next
An interview with CV!AM
The fifth in a series of fictional interviews.
AM: OK. Get out.
[AM had taken the pad locks off, opened the top of the dumpster and lowered down a ladder. jwm and RepairmanBob squint from their first glimpse of sunlight in days.]
jwm: Allison Mack?
AM: Shh... Climb on up.
jwm: Thank you.
AM: Don't thank me, thank Al. He insisted I do this interview thing.
[RepairmanBob and jwm slowly climb up the ladder]
AM: [Nervously glancing around] Hurry up, before John sees us.
jwm: [moving significantly more quickly] What!?!?
AM: Get your asses in gear!
[jwm & RepairmanBob drop to the street. AM opens the door to a nearby sounds stage.]
AM: This way!
[The three enter]
AM: God, you two stink!
jwm: Sorry.
AM: [to RB] Why don't you go home and get a shower?
[RepairmanBob ambles off in a daze]
AM: He's not homeless is he?
jwm: I don't think so.
AM: Now about our interview...
jwm: You know, I've been in a dumpster all weekend, any chance I could go get cleaned up...?
AM: No time. Look. I need your help.
jwm: You need my help?
AM: Yeah. That whole thing between John and Erica, it needs to be kept it under wraps.
jwm: Why?
AM: Al and Miles need to think Erica chose to leave the show.
jwm: Why?
AM: That doesn't matter. The point is that's the impression we need to give.
jwm: I don't know how comfortable I am with making stuff up about people like that.
AM: What?
jwm: Said...
AM: I heard what you said... I just don't believe you. Look, Al and Miles need to think that...
jwm: I'm sorry. I can't do that. I'm not just going to make stuff up.
AM: [Putting her hand on her cell phone] You realize I have John on speed dial.
jwm: I'll do whatever you ask.
AM: Good choice. Now, about the interview.
jwm: I'm not really prepared...
AM: Bullshit. Don't tell me you haven't been dieing to ask me a few questions.
jwm: Actually...
AM: In fact, I bet your first question is about Erica.
jwm: It is?
AM: Yep. And how I feel about her suddenly abandoning us.
jwm: Actually I...
AM: I wouldn't call it abandonment per say.
jwm: But you just did!
AM: No, you did, in your question.
jwm: But you asked the question.
AM: [Puts her hand to her phone]
jwm: I'm sorry, I guess I was the one who called it abandonment.
AM: Better. I'm sure she's just doing what she feels is best for her career but I'm really sorry to see her go. I have no idea what we're going to do without her.
jwm: Are you sure she's gone?
AM: Trust me, she's gone. OK, now you can ask me what Chloe is going to do this season.
jwm: OK.
[silence]
AM: So do it.
jwm: Oh. OK. What is Chloe going to do this season?
AM: Excellent question. She's going to put her meteor powers to good use.
jwm: She's going to heal people?
AM: Yes.
jwm: What about, you know, reporting?
AM: Glad you asked. It turns out her meteor power is going to actually help her with reporting.
jwm: It is? How?
AM: Just wait for the premier. You'll see. Now, you can choose a question.
jwm: Is Mr. Glover aways that mean?
AM: He's really just a big teddy bear once you get to know him.
jwm: Is Michael Rosenbaum as fun in person as he seems in interviews?
AM: Michael? He isn't any fun at all.
jwm: But he always seems so...
AM: That's just a facade he puts on for his fans. On set he's a complete crumedgeon.
jwm: That's... so disappointing.
AM: Tell me about it.
jwm: Please don't tell me that Tom pays people off to say good things about him and that he's actually just a huge jerk.
AM: [Pauses] No. Tom is a really nice guy.
jwm: He not paying you, is he?
AM: Me?
jwm: Yes, you.
AM: No comment.
jwm: Wow. My illusions about this cast are just being shattered one my one.
AM: Sorry.
jwm: One final question?
AM: Sure.
jwm: What exactly happened between seasons three and four? Did Lex and Chloe jump in the sack that summer he hid her or not?
AM: Where did you hear that?!
jwm: Just... around. There have been rumors a few episodes where Lex and Chloe were a couple were actually filmed but when DC found out about it they put the kibosh on the whole thing.
AM: I don't know who's been feeding you this bogus information but it's complete and utter hog wash.
jwm: There are some pretty wild theories out there coming from multiple sources. Some believe DC forced Gough and Millar to bring Lois on the show as retribution. Is it true that Gough and Millar have portrayed Lois as a slacker ever since just to spite them?
AM: Believe me, I wish we had that much intrigue going on behind the scenes. The truth is things are usually pretty boring around here.
jwm: So you're denying the existence of mythical season 3.5?
AM: Is that all you're interested in asking me about? Conspiracy theories?
jwm: Is there a conspiracy?
AM: [Begins walking away] This interview is over!
jwm: I've heard the footage is under lock and key! One fan claims he bought a bootleg copy on ebay for almost $3000 but the tape never arrived and the seller just disappeared.
AM: [AM stops and turns back around.] Listen carefully. I'm going to say this one time and one time only. Chloe would never sleep with Lex Luthor. She never has and she never will. End of story.
jwm: But...
AM: Shh! If you know what's good for you you'll stop poking your nose where it doesn't belong.
jwm: But...
AM: Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up before I call up John and you wind up in the dumpster again?
jwm: But...
AM: [grabs her phone and starts dialing]
jwm: Um, thank you for your time, Ms. Mack.
AM: [Puts her phone back.] Yeah. No problem. And try to stay out of trouble from now on, OK? This set can be a dangerous place for a neophyte.
jwm: Understood.
Next
AM: OK. Get out.
[AM had taken the pad locks off, opened the top of the dumpster and lowered down a ladder. jwm and RepairmanBob squint from their first glimpse of sunlight in days.]
jwm: Allison Mack?
AM: Shh... Climb on up.
jwm: Thank you.
AM: Don't thank me, thank Al. He insisted I do this interview thing.
[RepairmanBob and jwm slowly climb up the ladder]
AM: [Nervously glancing around] Hurry up, before John sees us.
jwm: [moving significantly more quickly] What!?!?
AM: Get your asses in gear!
[jwm & RepairmanBob drop to the street. AM opens the door to a nearby sounds stage.]
AM: This way!
[The three enter]
AM: God, you two stink!
jwm: Sorry.
AM: [to RB] Why don't you go home and get a shower?
[RepairmanBob ambles off in a daze]
AM: He's not homeless is he?
jwm: I don't think so.
AM: Now about our interview...
jwm: You know, I've been in a dumpster all weekend, any chance I could go get cleaned up...?
AM: No time. Look. I need your help.
jwm: You need my help?
AM: Yeah. That whole thing between John and Erica, it needs to be kept it under wraps.
jwm: Why?
AM: Al and Miles need to think Erica chose to leave the show.
jwm: Why?
AM: That doesn't matter. The point is that's the impression we need to give.
jwm: I don't know how comfortable I am with making stuff up about people like that.
AM: What?
jwm: Said...
AM: I heard what you said... I just don't believe you. Look, Al and Miles need to think that...
jwm: I'm sorry. I can't do that. I'm not just going to make stuff up.
AM: [Putting her hand on her cell phone] You realize I have John on speed dial.
jwm: I'll do whatever you ask.
AM: Good choice. Now, about the interview.
jwm: I'm not really prepared...
AM: Bullshit. Don't tell me you haven't been dieing to ask me a few questions.
jwm: Actually...
AM: In fact, I bet your first question is about Erica.
jwm: It is?
AM: Yep. And how I feel about her suddenly abandoning us.
jwm: Actually I...
AM: I wouldn't call it abandonment per say.
jwm: But you just did!
AM: No, you did, in your question.
jwm: But you asked the question.
AM: [Puts her hand to her phone]
jwm: I'm sorry, I guess I was the one who called it abandonment.
AM: Better. I'm sure she's just doing what she feels is best for her career but I'm really sorry to see her go. I have no idea what we're going to do without her.
jwm: Are you sure she's gone?
AM: Trust me, she's gone. OK, now you can ask me what Chloe is going to do this season.
jwm: OK.
[silence]
AM: So do it.
jwm: Oh. OK. What is Chloe going to do this season?
AM: Excellent question. She's going to put her meteor powers to good use.
jwm: She's going to heal people?
AM: Yes.
jwm: What about, you know, reporting?
AM: Glad you asked. It turns out her meteor power is going to actually help her with reporting.
jwm: It is? How?
AM: Just wait for the premier. You'll see. Now, you can choose a question.
jwm: Is Mr. Glover aways that mean?
AM: He's really just a big teddy bear once you get to know him.
jwm: Is Michael Rosenbaum as fun in person as he seems in interviews?
AM: Michael? He isn't any fun at all.
jwm: But he always seems so...
AM: That's just a facade he puts on for his fans. On set he's a complete crumedgeon.
jwm: That's... so disappointing.
AM: Tell me about it.
jwm: Please don't tell me that Tom pays people off to say good things about him and that he's actually just a huge jerk.
AM: [Pauses] No. Tom is a really nice guy.
jwm: He not paying you, is he?
AM: Me?
jwm: Yes, you.
AM: No comment.
jwm: Wow. My illusions about this cast are just being shattered one my one.
AM: Sorry.
jwm: One final question?
AM: Sure.
jwm: What exactly happened between seasons three and four? Did Lex and Chloe jump in the sack that summer he hid her or not?
AM: Where did you hear that?!
jwm: Just... around. There have been rumors a few episodes where Lex and Chloe were a couple were actually filmed but when DC found out about it they put the kibosh on the whole thing.
AM: I don't know who's been feeding you this bogus information but it's complete and utter hog wash.
jwm: There are some pretty wild theories out there coming from multiple sources. Some believe DC forced Gough and Millar to bring Lois on the show as retribution. Is it true that Gough and Millar have portrayed Lois as a slacker ever since just to spite them?
AM: Believe me, I wish we had that much intrigue going on behind the scenes. The truth is things are usually pretty boring around here.
jwm: So you're denying the existence of mythical season 3.5?
AM: Is that all you're interested in asking me about? Conspiracy theories?
jwm: Is there a conspiracy?
AM: [Begins walking away] This interview is over!
jwm: I've heard the footage is under lock and key! One fan claims he bought a bootleg copy on ebay for almost $3000 but the tape never arrived and the seller just disappeared.
AM: [AM stops and turns back around.] Listen carefully. I'm going to say this one time and one time only. Chloe would never sleep with Lex Luthor. She never has and she never will. End of story.
jwm: But...
AM: Shh! If you know what's good for you you'll stop poking your nose where it doesn't belong.
jwm: But...
AM: Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up before I call up John and you wind up in the dumpster again?
jwm: But...
AM: [grabs her phone and starts dialing]
jwm: Um, thank you for your time, Ms. Mack.
AM: [Puts her phone back.] Yeah. No problem. And try to stay out of trouble from now on, OK? This set can be a dangerous place for a neophyte.
jwm: Understood.
Next
An interview with CV!ED
The forth in a series of fictional interviews.
jwm: Erica Durance.
ED: That's me.
jwm: Thanks for taking time to...
ED: No problem. I love Smallville. I love Smallville fans. It's just the greatest job in the world.
jwm: You know there have been rumors you might leave.
ED: There have?
jwm: Something about a show on CBS.
ED: Oh. That. Getting that part is impossible. Or so my agent tells me.
jwm: So you did want to leave.
ED: What? No. I don't want that part. Are you kidding?
jwm: So why do you describe getting it as impossible?
ED: Well. Imagine theoretically I did want the part, right?
jwm: OK.
ED: Which I don't. But theoretically I wanted it and intended to take it.
jwm: Theoretically.
ED: Right. Theoretically. Well John is already on the cast so I couldn't do it.
jwm: John Glover. Former cast mate.
ED: Yes. That's the one.
jwm: You don't get along with John?
ED: We get along famously. We always used to work out together. What I mean is there's some sort of reciprocal agreement between CBS and the CW.
jwm: I don't think I follow.
ED: Basically once they took John they were locked out of taking any other cast members for Smallville.
jwm: I see.
ED: So again, theoretically, even if I intended to take a part with the show I couldn't. Legally that is.
jwm: Why this focus on legality?
ED: You know, supposing I theoretically signed a contract or something.
jwm: Right. So you're staying on Smallville.
ED: I wouldn't have it any other way.
jwm: So what's in store for Lois this year?
ED: I don't know. I just show up and they give me a script. I hope it won't be too bad.
jwm: What do you mean?
ED: Well you know, with the whole tabloid thing last year.
jwm: You think Lois will make it to the Daily Planet this year?
ED: I don't know. I hope so. If I were in charge she would have been there already.
jwm: Are you referencing the so called season 5.5?
ED: No comment. But if I were going to make a comment and there were a season 5.5 I guarantee Lois would have already have written a story for the Planet and have a job there waiting for her.
jwm: I was hoping to ask you a few questions about...
[JG bursts in.]
JG: Durance you are dead!
ED: Hey, John, it's good to see you!
JG: How could you Erica?
ED: How could I what?
JG: Take my dream? You single white femaled me!
ED: What are you talking about?
jwm: How can you single white female a non-single white male?
JG: [to jwm] I don't know who the hell you are, but why don't you shut up and get the hell out!
jwm: But I'm...
ED: I'm in the middle of an interview, John. Can we talk about this later? Over a set of weights?
JG: This interview is over! I can't believe you'd stab me in the back like this!
ED: What do you mean?
JG: I mean by taking that part on Father Knows Best!
ED: But I can't take that part! CBS can only take one...
JG: ...actor from each CW show!
ED: Right.
JG: So guess who's stuck back on this piece of shit for a show on this piece of shit for a network?
ED: You're back on the show? That's great! We were all going to miss you so much! [Moves in for a hug]
JG: [Rebuffing her] Are you daft!?!? The only reason I'm back on this show is because they threw me back so they could cast you as the wacky neighbor!
ED: Oh, God. I'm not on Smallville anymore?!!?
jwm: I.. um.. Can I ask...?
JG: Shut up! Why the hell are you still here, anyway?
jwm: I... um...
JG: Get the hell out!
jwm: Yes, sir.
[jwm gets up and leaves but listens at the other side of the door]
JG: Now, Erica, how do you explain yourself?
ED: John, It wasn't on purpose! Al and Miles were going to... [breaking down]... and then Allison said I should... ...and finally...
JG: Allison!?!?
ED: ...the wrong form came in over the fax machine.
JG: Don't' you know better than to listen to Allison!?!? Dammit woman! Have you not a lick of sense?
ED: I'm so sorry!
JG: Hold on.
ED: What?
JG: Shhhh.
[Silence. JG flings open the door and finds jwm eavesdropping.]
JG: You!
The next thing I knew I woke up in a dumpster with a dull pain in my neck. RepairmanBob was in there too, looked like hell, been there for days. I'm sad to say it reminded me of a really twisted rendition of Survivor as the two of us lived off the stray rat here and there and plotted our escape.
Next
jwm: Erica Durance.
ED: That's me.
jwm: Thanks for taking time to...
ED: No problem. I love Smallville. I love Smallville fans. It's just the greatest job in the world.
jwm: You know there have been rumors you might leave.
ED: There have?
jwm: Something about a show on CBS.
ED: Oh. That. Getting that part is impossible. Or so my agent tells me.
jwm: So you did want to leave.
ED: What? No. I don't want that part. Are you kidding?
jwm: So why do you describe getting it as impossible?
ED: Well. Imagine theoretically I did want the part, right?
jwm: OK.
ED: Which I don't. But theoretically I wanted it and intended to take it.
jwm: Theoretically.
ED: Right. Theoretically. Well John is already on the cast so I couldn't do it.
jwm: John Glover. Former cast mate.
ED: Yes. That's the one.
jwm: You don't get along with John?
ED: We get along famously. We always used to work out together. What I mean is there's some sort of reciprocal agreement between CBS and the CW.
jwm: I don't think I follow.
ED: Basically once they took John they were locked out of taking any other cast members for Smallville.
jwm: I see.
ED: So again, theoretically, even if I intended to take a part with the show I couldn't. Legally that is.
jwm: Why this focus on legality?
ED: You know, supposing I theoretically signed a contract or something.
jwm: Right. So you're staying on Smallville.
ED: I wouldn't have it any other way.
jwm: So what's in store for Lois this year?
ED: I don't know. I just show up and they give me a script. I hope it won't be too bad.
jwm: What do you mean?
ED: Well you know, with the whole tabloid thing last year.
jwm: You think Lois will make it to the Daily Planet this year?
ED: I don't know. I hope so. If I were in charge she would have been there already.
jwm: Are you referencing the so called season 5.5?
ED: No comment. But if I were going to make a comment and there were a season 5.5 I guarantee Lois would have already have written a story for the Planet and have a job there waiting for her.
jwm: I was hoping to ask you a few questions about...
[JG bursts in.]
JG: Durance you are dead!
ED: Hey, John, it's good to see you!
JG: How could you Erica?
ED: How could I what?
JG: Take my dream? You single white femaled me!
ED: What are you talking about?
jwm: How can you single white female a non-single white male?
JG: [to jwm] I don't know who the hell you are, but why don't you shut up and get the hell out!
jwm: But I'm...
ED: I'm in the middle of an interview, John. Can we talk about this later? Over a set of weights?
JG: This interview is over! I can't believe you'd stab me in the back like this!
ED: What do you mean?
JG: I mean by taking that part on Father Knows Best!
ED: But I can't take that part! CBS can only take one...
JG: ...actor from each CW show!
ED: Right.
JG: So guess who's stuck back on this piece of shit for a show on this piece of shit for a network?
ED: You're back on the show? That's great! We were all going to miss you so much! [Moves in for a hug]
JG: [Rebuffing her] Are you daft!?!? The only reason I'm back on this show is because they threw me back so they could cast you as the wacky neighbor!
ED: Oh, God. I'm not on Smallville anymore?!!?
jwm: I.. um.. Can I ask...?
JG: Shut up! Why the hell are you still here, anyway?
jwm: I... um...
JG: Get the hell out!
jwm: Yes, sir.
[jwm gets up and leaves but listens at the other side of the door]
JG: Now, Erica, how do you explain yourself?
ED: John, It wasn't on purpose! Al and Miles were going to... [breaking down]... and then Allison said I should... ...and finally...
JG: Allison!?!?
ED: ...the wrong form came in over the fax machine.
JG: Don't' you know better than to listen to Allison!?!? Dammit woman! Have you not a lick of sense?
ED: I'm so sorry!
JG: Hold on.
ED: What?
JG: Shhhh.
[Silence. JG flings open the door and finds jwm eavesdropping.]
JG: You!
The next thing I knew I woke up in a dumpster with a dull pain in my neck. RepairmanBob was in there too, looked like hell, been there for days. I'm sad to say it reminded me of a really twisted rendition of Survivor as the two of us lived off the stray rat here and there and plotted our escape.
Next
An Interview with CV!JG
The third in a series of fictional interviews.
RepairmanBob: Hello Mr. Glover. Thanks for meeting with me today.
John Glover: I am always happy to talk to a member of the press about one of my projects! I am overjoyed that I can let more people know about Father Knows Best, starting me, Mondays this fall on CBS.
RB: Actually, John – can I call you John?
JG: No.
RB: Alright, Mr. Glover, I wanted to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
JG: Must we? I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best, following the hit show Two-and-A-Half Men on CBS in September. How on earth did that show get to be a hit? I must get some of their writers.
RB: Mr. Glover, many of your fans are very interested on your thoughs about Lionel’s actions on –
JG: When I said “I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best”, which TV Guild said featured “A magnificent performance by star John Glover”, I was trying to be polite. Since you were clearly too dense to understand that, I will make it clear. I have no desire to talk about my former show.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: (Frowns) I was not finished. Are you interrupting me?
RB: (uncomfortable pause) No, sir.
JG: Smart boy. Let me explain how this interview will go. I will talk about Father Knows Best, which USA Today said is one of the Top 10 Shows To Watch of the 2007-08 season. You will ask me questions about my new show. When I am finished, you may ask me 10 questions about Smallville.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: 9 questions.
RB: Can I just –
JG: 8 questions.
RB: How do you like your new show?
JG: It is wonderful! We have recruited writers from House, 30 Rock and Scrubs. I have final dialogue approval in my contract, so I have a tremendous amount of control over Jim’s character. I have learned that allowing amateurs, no matter how well meaning, to control your character is simply asking for trouble.
RB: Now, how is this different from the original?
JG: Are you interrupting me again? (Starts to pull something from under jacket.)
RB: Just asking for more details.
JG: Ah, much better. In our version, I play Jim Anderson, a dashing international businessman. My love interest is Margaret, a sexy red-haired stay at home mom who a state senator in her free time. They meet at a city council meeting about expanding the size of Jim's mansion (a classic Scottish castle), and it is love at first sight.
RB: Sounds oddly familiar.
JG: Well, I have been involved in the writing. No point in letting a perfectly good story go to waste.
RB: Are Jim and Margaret married?
JG: No, they are living in sin. And they have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
RB: Nice. An update for the modern audience?
JG: Exactly! We are both widows, each with a son from our previous marriage. My son is a classic overachiever – straight A student, assistant manager at a fast food restaurant, president of the student government and an overall swell kid. Her son is a dim-witted slacker, who wears lots of flannel and cries about a girl he wants to go out with. He is a dumb kid. A Big Dumb Kid.
RB: Can I ask about –
JG: 7 questions.
RB: How the role of the daughter has been changed?
JG: Nicely done! You may have that one back. The daughter is my illegitimate child from a previous marriage. She lives on the roof, or under our roof – it did not involve Jim, so I did not read that part of the script. She will be played by a young lady who escaped another show in the WC. Gong, or Chime or Guitar… some musical instrument. Very talented woman. She has been a delight to work with. Did you know on her last show, they paid the staff peanuts?
RB: The salary was that low?
JG: No, they actually got jars of peanuts for their work. Dreadful.
RB: Any truth to the rumors that Erica Durance was up for the role?
JG: I am going to count that as a Smallville question. Erica was up for a role on the show as a friend or a neighbor, or a homeless person, or something, but she chose to remain on Smallville for some reason. Lord knows why. You could not pay me enough to go back to that hell hole.
RB: After working on a drama for so long, are you looking forward to being part of a comedy.
JG: I don’t understand your question. Wasn’t Smallville a comedy?
RB: Did you ever watch the show?
JG: Hell no. I have my standards, after all. I watch Ugly Betty on Thursdays.
RB: Anything else you would like to say about Father Knows Best?
JG: Tune in Mondays this fall for the best new comedy on television! Thank you for your time. (Starts to stand)
RB: But what about Smallville?
JG: (Sits down) Damnit. Alright, you have seven questions.
RB: What do you think of the revelation that Lionel was good this season?
JG: Utter crap. Six.
RB: That’s it?
JG: Complete and utter crap. Five.
RB: What did you enjoy about your time on Smallville?
JG: Payday and slapping Michael. Four.
RB: What was your favorite part of this season?
JG: Other than it ending? I guess it would have to be Chloe showing her true colors in Progeny. The way she bitchslapped Lex was magical. And Allison held the pistol and the grenade launcher like a champion. If the morons running this show actually had half a brain, they would put that shot on the cover of the DVD box. Attractive women holding firearms? Now that is sexy.
RB: You do realize she was under he mother’s control?
JG: Ah, but that's why it reveals her true nature, don't you see?
RB: Actually no. She wasn't in control of her actions.
JG: Incorrect. She wasn't in control of her goals. How she achieved those goals were completely in her control.
RB: Are there any cast members you will miss?
JG: I will miss talking to Annette. I have been trying to talk the writers into creating a role for her as my sexy neighbor on Father Knows Best, which Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News said was “The show I have been preparing my entire life to see” and "So much better than American audiences deserve." We will have to see how that goes.
RB: Any funny behind the scenes stories?
JG: On Promise, I could not get the slap of Michael right. We did 52 takes, and brought in the rest of the cast to slap Michael while I watched. I thought Kristin was going to draw blood! It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
RB: Is that why Michael took a restraining order out against you?
JG: I have answered my eight questions. You were warned. (Pulls out dart gun, shoots RepairmanBob in the neck.)
RB: Ow.
JG: Why aren’t you unconscious?
RB: I drink three liters of rotgut tequila every Thursday night to make it through Smallville.
JG: Ah, Allison’s method. (Shoots 2 more darts. RepairmanBob slumps to floor.) Now, time to find an intern to drag him to the dumpster.
Next
RepairmanBob: Hello Mr. Glover. Thanks for meeting with me today.
John Glover: I am always happy to talk to a member of the press about one of my projects! I am overjoyed that I can let more people know about Father Knows Best, starting me, Mondays this fall on CBS.
RB: Actually, John – can I call you John?
JG: No.
RB: Alright, Mr. Glover, I wanted to ask you a few questions about Smallville.
JG: Must we? I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best, following the hit show Two-and-A-Half Men on CBS in September. How on earth did that show get to be a hit? I must get some of their writers.
RB: Mr. Glover, many of your fans are very interested on your thoughs about Lionel’s actions on –
JG: When I said “I would much rather talk about Father Knows Best”, which TV Guild said featured “A magnificent performance by star John Glover”, I was trying to be polite. Since you were clearly too dense to understand that, I will make it clear. I have no desire to talk about my former show.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: (Frowns) I was not finished. Are you interrupting me?
RB: (uncomfortable pause) No, sir.
JG: Smart boy. Let me explain how this interview will go. I will talk about Father Knows Best, which USA Today said is one of the Top 10 Shows To Watch of the 2007-08 season. You will ask me questions about my new show. When I am finished, you may ask me 10 questions about Smallville.
RB: But Mr. Glover –
JG: 9 questions.
RB: Can I just –
JG: 8 questions.
RB: How do you like your new show?
JG: It is wonderful! We have recruited writers from House, 30 Rock and Scrubs. I have final dialogue approval in my contract, so I have a tremendous amount of control over Jim’s character. I have learned that allowing amateurs, no matter how well meaning, to control your character is simply asking for trouble.
RB: Now, how is this different from the original?
JG: Are you interrupting me again? (Starts to pull something from under jacket.)
RB: Just asking for more details.
JG: Ah, much better. In our version, I play Jim Anderson, a dashing international businessman. My love interest is Margaret, a sexy red-haired stay at home mom who a state senator in her free time. They meet at a city council meeting about expanding the size of Jim's mansion (a classic Scottish castle), and it is love at first sight.
RB: Sounds oddly familiar.
JG: Well, I have been involved in the writing. No point in letting a perfectly good story go to waste.
RB: Are Jim and Margaret married?
JG: No, they are living in sin. And they have sex. Lots and lots of sex.
RB: Nice. An update for the modern audience?
JG: Exactly! We are both widows, each with a son from our previous marriage. My son is a classic overachiever – straight A student, assistant manager at a fast food restaurant, president of the student government and an overall swell kid. Her son is a dim-witted slacker, who wears lots of flannel and cries about a girl he wants to go out with. He is a dumb kid. A Big Dumb Kid.
RB: Can I ask about –
JG: 7 questions.
RB: How the role of the daughter has been changed?
JG: Nicely done! You may have that one back. The daughter is my illegitimate child from a previous marriage. She lives on the roof, or under our roof – it did not involve Jim, so I did not read that part of the script. She will be played by a young lady who escaped another show in the WC. Gong, or Chime or Guitar… some musical instrument. Very talented woman. She has been a delight to work with. Did you know on her last show, they paid the staff peanuts?
RB: The salary was that low?
JG: No, they actually got jars of peanuts for their work. Dreadful.
RB: Any truth to the rumors that Erica Durance was up for the role?
JG: I am going to count that as a Smallville question. Erica was up for a role on the show as a friend or a neighbor, or a homeless person, or something, but she chose to remain on Smallville for some reason. Lord knows why. You could not pay me enough to go back to that hell hole.
RB: After working on a drama for so long, are you looking forward to being part of a comedy.
JG: I don’t understand your question. Wasn’t Smallville a comedy?
RB: Did you ever watch the show?
JG: Hell no. I have my standards, after all. I watch Ugly Betty on Thursdays.
RB: Anything else you would like to say about Father Knows Best?
JG: Tune in Mondays this fall for the best new comedy on television! Thank you for your time. (Starts to stand)
RB: But what about Smallville?
JG: (Sits down) Damnit. Alright, you have seven questions.
RB: What do you think of the revelation that Lionel was good this season?
JG: Utter crap. Six.
RB: That’s it?
JG: Complete and utter crap. Five.
RB: What did you enjoy about your time on Smallville?
JG: Payday and slapping Michael. Four.
RB: What was your favorite part of this season?
JG: Other than it ending? I guess it would have to be Chloe showing her true colors in Progeny. The way she bitchslapped Lex was magical. And Allison held the pistol and the grenade launcher like a champion. If the morons running this show actually had half a brain, they would put that shot on the cover of the DVD box. Attractive women holding firearms? Now that is sexy.
RB: You do realize she was under he mother’s control?
JG: Ah, but that's why it reveals her true nature, don't you see?
RB: Actually no. She wasn't in control of her actions.
JG: Incorrect. She wasn't in control of her goals. How she achieved those goals were completely in her control.
RB: Are there any cast members you will miss?
JG: I will miss talking to Annette. I have been trying to talk the writers into creating a role for her as my sexy neighbor on Father Knows Best, which Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News said was “The show I have been preparing my entire life to see” and "So much better than American audiences deserve." We will have to see how that goes.
RB: Any funny behind the scenes stories?
JG: On Promise, I could not get the slap of Michael right. We did 52 takes, and brought in the rest of the cast to slap Michael while I watched. I thought Kristin was going to draw blood! It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.
RB: Is that why Michael took a restraining order out against you?
JG: I have answered my eight questions. You were warned. (Pulls out dart gun, shoots RepairmanBob in the neck.)
RB: Ow.
JG: Why aren’t you unconscious?
RB: I drink three liters of rotgut tequila every Thursday night to make it through Smallville.
JG: Ah, Allison’s method. (Shoots 2 more darts. RepairmanBob slumps to floor.) Now, time to find an intern to drag him to the dumpster.
Next
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