KK’s Second Promo

as retold by RepairmanBob

(A tired looking TW staggers up to his trailer.)
TW: (In a high pitched voice) ‘Where’s your promo, Tom? Why are all of the promos taking so long, Tom? Why haven’t you finished you promo, Tom?’ Maybe I’d have the damn promo done if you stopped calling me every five minutes!
(TW looks down, and sees an envelope with his name attached. He picks it up and walks inside. His cell phone rings.)
TW: (Answers his cell phone) Yes, Annette… OK, I am working on it… no, I don’t think it’s funny that Brad sprayed you again… Fine, I will send some more security over to your trailer... take some of John’s shampoo... Tell him I will pay him back! (Hangs up, reads the letter on the front of the envelope.)

This is perfect! Just the kind of outside the box thinking I am looking for! This one will go national by the end of the week! Tell the rest of your staff to get it together or I am giving Kristin control of the advertising for next year!

By the way, we need to talk about how you expect to pay for these commercials, Tom. You are wildly over budget, and the repairs to the Study and Daily Planet sets will not be cheap.

Kisses!
Dawn

TW: (Opens envelope, revealing a DVD.) Ah, crap.
(TW’s cell phone rings)
TW: (Answers phone) Hello?... She what?... I know attacking the caterers is a serious matter… (Cringes) Damn, that must have hurt… Listen, I will talk to Allison… Of course I am taking this seriously!... Yes, I understand. No catering for a week… Danger pay? I’m not getting danger pay!... I will talk to Dawn, but no promises…
(TW puts the DVD in his computer. His cell phone rings again.)
TW: Yeah?... You did what?... Michael, we cant afford that!... Fuck what Whedon said! We don’t have the money to get Allison seventeen different sets of bondage gear!... Don’t say that, Michael! Don’t tell me you already used the music budget to buy them! Bondage gear is not music!... Just return them!
(TW reaches for the mouse, when the cell phone rings.)
TW: What?... No, Erica!... I don’t care what Dawn told you! The movie division will have all our asses if you show up in Playboy!... Tough shit!... No, you can’t go topless with just the cape!... No! Body paint is not the same as a bikini!... God damnit it, Erica, don’t you dare hang up on… hello? (Slams down phone.) It is like working with brain damaged monkeys!
(TW turns on the DVD)

(Cue Card: Kristin Kreuk’s Second Promo)

(Lex stands in front of his desk.)
MR: I am Lex Luthor. Billionaire. International businessman. Humanitarian. Scientist. Genius. Savior of humanity. But what you don’t know about me is...

(Music starts)
MR: I’m (video fast forwards) sexy for Clark Kent
(video rewinds)
MR: Sexy for Clark Kent

(Cut to TW busting onto the set)
TW: Which one of you -
(Video jump)
TW: - are -
(Video pauses, KK’s voice can be heard trying to sound like TW)
KK: Sexy for me?
MR: I’m (video fast forwards) sexy for Clark Kent
TW: (Cuts to TW threatening BS) Me are your biggest fan!
(MR dances over to the bar, picks up a glass of scotch.)
MR: I’m too sexy for this glass, too sexy for this glass, will you check out this ass?
(MR shakes his ass at the camera)
(Cut back to TW threatening BS)
TW: Me love you! (rewinds) Me love (fast forwards) your ass!
(Video cuts back to MR dancing)
MR: will you check out this ass?
TW: Me love you!

(Scene changes to a stock photo of the Study. Someone is holding up a Superman and a Lex Luthor doll, and presses them together while making kissing sounds. After a few seconds, the screen gets fuzzy, and a rainbow colored Smallville logo appears.)
KK: (Trying to sound like the CW pompous voice guy) See the secret behind the “Legendary Friendship” of Clark Kent and Lex Luthor on Smallville, every Thursday at eight on the CW.

(TW’s face turns bright red, and a small vein begins to pulse on his forehead.)
TW: Five more episodes. Five more episodes.
(His cell phone rings.)
TW: (Answers it.) What!... Mother fucker!... No, I did not approve more male strippers for a reshoot of John’s commercial!... Yes, dumbshit, that mean he lied!... What the fuck do you mean they are already here?... Fine! I’ll take care of it! (Throws cell phone against the wall, runs out of trailer.)

Next

MR’s Promo Shoot

as retold by RepairmanBob

(MR, AM, KK and ED are on the Study set. AM, KK and ED are in matching red leather dresses. MR is wearing the white suit.)
AM: (Adjusting the top of her dress) Remind me why I agreed to this?
KK: (Adjusting the bottom of her dress) God, could this be any shorter?
ED: Don’t you just love this dress? It shows off my chest and my ass!
AM + KK: (Glare at ED)
MR: You all look great! Now, you understand what we are going to do, right?
KK: We back you up –
AM: Then we get paid.
ED: And I get to say the tag line!
KK: Excuse me? Michael, you said I would get to do the tag line!
AM: Michael, did you tell Tom about –
MR: Let’s get started! (To director) Hit it!

(Lex stands in front of his desk.)
MR: I am Lex Luthor. Billionaire. International businessman. Humanitarian. Scientist. Genius. Savior of humanity. But what you don’t know about me is...

(Music starts)
MR: I’m too sexy for Clark Kent, too sexy for Clark Kent that jerk can get bent.
(MR dances over to the bar, picks up a glass of scotch.)
MR: I’m too sexy for this glass, too sexy for this glass, will you check out this ass?
(MR shakes his ass at the camera)

AM+KK+ED: He’s the villain, you know what I mean, and he is so much sexier than Clark Kent.
MR: So sexy!
AM+KK+ED: Than Clark Kent.
MR: Stupid farm boy!
AM+KK+ED: Than Clark Kent.
MR: That Big Dumb Alien!
AM+KK+ED: He is so much sexier than Clark Kent.

MR: (Dances over to pool table, picks up a cue) I’m too sexy for this stick, too sexy for this stick, and I have a huge –

(BS and his cloaked minions burst in.)
BS: The imposter! (Pulls out a knife.) I will put an end to you once and for all!
MR: Eeeek! (Runs away)

AM+KK+ED: He’s the villain, you know what I mean, and he’s a much bigger bastard than Lionel.
MR: Help me!
AM+KK+ED: Such a bastard!
BS: I’ll stop you once and for all!
AM+KK+ED: What a bastard!
MR: Please don’t hurt me! It’s all Tom’s fault!
AM+KK+ED: He’s a much bigger bastard than Lionel!
MR: Go get Tom!

MR: (Hiding under the desk) Someone stop him!
BS: Come out you fraud!
KK: (To Cloaked Minions) You really need to do something about him.
CK1: We would, but he scares us.
CK2: A lot.
AM: (Pats down outfit) Crap! Where is my tazer?
MR: Save me!
KK: (To director) Make sure we are still filming.

(TW opens a side door)
TW: What is this shit? Which one of you assholes used the special effects budget for leather dresses? (Looks at the scene) Oh, for fuck's sake!
BS: (Looks up) I’ll deal with you soon enough, Superman!
MR: Deal with him now!

ED: He’s the villain, you know what I mean, and he totally banged Lana!
AM: Erica!
ED: He banged Lana!
KK: Will you just shut up?
ED: He banged Lana!
CL1: Is she always this oblivious?
ED: He banged Lana and he also banged Chloe!
AM: Michael, you are going to suffer for this.

TW: Bryan, enough is enough!
BS: The name is Luthor! Lex Luthor! And if you will not embrace your destiny willingly, Superman, then I will force you to do it!
TW: (Walks over to BS, punches him on the nose)
BS: (Drops the knife, grabs his nose.) Owww! What the hell? Superman would never attack a normal human!
TW: (Scowls, then grins) Me no are Superman! Me are Bizarro!
KK: (To AM) I think Tom has finally snapped.
TW: Me are your biggest fan! Me love you so much, me kick your ass!
BS: (Runs for the door) Come, my minions! We must retreat and create a new plan!
(TW rushes BS)
CL2: We’re really sorry about this.
(CL1 and 2 push KK in front of TW, knocking them both to the ground)
KK: Ow! What the hell, Tom?
(BS and the Cloaked Minions run out)

MR: (Looks out from under desk) Is it safe to come put yet?
ED: He’s the villain, you know what I mean –
AM+KK+TW: Shut up!

Next

ED’s Promo Shoot

as retold by RepairmanBob

(JG, KK, AM, MR and AoT are at the Daily Planet set.)
AM: I still say we should tell Tom about this.
KK: Spoil sport.
AM: I’m just saying –
JG: The hell with Tom! I think he worked with that miserable little cretin Whedon to ruin my promo.
AM: But Michael was the one –
MR: (Motions for AM to be quiet) Yeah, screw Tom!
(ED walks in, wearing a trench coat and fedora. She is followed by a group of young, attractive men in suits.)
AoT: Wait, are those my interns?
KK: Since when do we have male strippers on retainer?
JG: I have absolutely no problem with that.
KK: Agreed.
ED: Let’s get started, guys.
Camera Man: Got it, Ms. Durance.
(ED walks to the center of the set. The “reporters” walks around behind her.)
ED: (Looks at camera.) Everyone knows Lane is the best reporter at the Daily Planet.
AM: Bullshit!
Camera Man: Cut!
ED: Allison!
AM: It is bullshit!
ED: Stop ruining my promo!
AM: But –
KK: (smirking) If you can’t control yourself, you will have to go sit in the corner with Tom.
AM: (Grumbles)
ED: From the top! (Faces the camera.) Everyone knows Lane is the best reporter at the Daily Planet. (Sexy smile.) But I have a special headline for Clark Kent...
(The Pussycat Dolls song Don't Cha starts)

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

(ED pulls open her trench coat, revealing a very, very small bikini.)
AM: Is that the globe from the top of the Daily Planet on her...
KK: More like globes, I think.
MR: I love geography.

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

(ED starts to dance. The “reporters” remove their rip-off suits, and begin to gyrate around her)

Don't cha?
Don't cha?

KK: I am not sure if I should be insulted or not.
AM: Best reporter my ass.
(ED turns around)
JG: (while taking pictures) Speaking of asses, is something written on Erica’s?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

AM: Sexiest…
MR: ... Lane…
KK: … ever.
(One of the dancers bumps into ED)
AoT: Did Erica’s bikini just… smudge?

Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

(ED starts to jump around)
MR: It’s body paint! She followed Mr. Whedon’s directions! (MR’s head begins to bob, following the movement of ED… attributes.)
KK: (Smacks MR in the back of the head)
AM + AoT: Thank you.

Don't cha?
Don't cha?

(ED faces the camera, surrounded by the dancers.)
ED: Don't cha miss Smallville, Thursdays on the –
Unknown voice: The talent known as Erica Durance will reveal her character's true identity!
(From the walkway above the stage, JW and a cloaked lackey look down.)
Cloaked Lackey: The talent will stop pretending Lane is human!
JG: (Drops his camera) You! You are the vile little shit who ruined my commercial!
ED: All of you shut up!
KK: How did he get a minion? I want a minion!
AoT: I will break you in two! (JG and AoT run to a ladder leading up to the walkway.)
(JW and CL start pouring buckets of green paint down onto ED and her dancers. The dancers slip and fall to the ground in a paint-covered pile around ED.)
ED: No! This is not fair! I worked for weeks to get their choreography just right!
KK: Not the pretty dancers!
MR: Erica looks like a sexy naked alien! It’s like the sexiest Star Trek episode ever!
(BK bursts in from a side door, holding a massive supper soaker.)
BK: I have you now, fiend! Mindless plots and sisters three / Back to the pit I banish thee! (BK fires the super soaker, which just misses JW… hitting AoT and JG, knocking them off the ladder and back to the floor.)
JG: What is this crap? I smell like raw sewage!
AM: Time to go?
KK: Way ahead of you.
ED: Stop fucking up my perfect promo!
(AoT charges BK, only to smash into AM and KK, who were running towards the door.)
AM: Oh God, Annette! You smell like diapers and wet dog!
KK: I think I’m going to be sick. (Starts gagging)
BK: You will not get away with this, demon! I will drive you from this studio, and take my rightful place as the visionary leader Smallville needs! (Runs off)
CL: Mr. Whedon will bring his massive intellect and unrivaled imagination to the show known as Smallville! The talent will acknowledge his greatness! (CL and JW scurry away)
ED: (Standing in the middle of the now trashed Daily Planet set, begins to cry) My beautiful commercial! It’s ruined! Ruined!
MR: Well, at least you look hot.
ED: Fuck you, Michael! (Stomps off, slips and lands on her ass)
TW: (Kicks in a door) Who the hell authorized spending half the catering budget for the month on male strippers? I told you, we cannot afford… (looks around) What the fuck happened here?
MR: (Shrugs)

Next

JG's promo shoot

as retold by jwm

[On the sound stage JG is in a tux and AoT is in a white evening gown. AM, KK, and ED are in matching pink taffeta dresses. MR chats with the cameraman.]
ED: Oh my god, this is so exciting!
KK: Yeah. How'd I get roped into this again?
JG: Because I can forge Dawn's signature better than any one else. Now get in line with the other girls.
AM: Are these... used bridesmaid gowns?
JG: Budget was tight. We had to pick something up at the Salvation Army.
KK: [Pulling the dress up] I told you before it's not even my size!
AoT: Costuming was supposed to take yours in.
KK: It doesn't feel any different!
AM: That might explain why I can barely breathe.
JG: Quiet! We need to finish this up before Tom figures out what we're up to.
AM: Or Bryan.
AoT: Or Brad.
JG: I said quiet!!!!
MR: I still can't believe Annette convinced you to use an Elton John song.
JG: Normally that would be beneath Lionel...
AoT: But it's the only way I would participate.
[MR's phone rings]
MR: I've got to take this.
JG: Don't tell Tom we're here.
MR: Don't worry.
[MR exits]
AM: About that, don't you think Tom is going to freak when he sees the final product?
JG: Hey, he wanted character based promos. That's what he's getting. Are my back up singers ready?
ED: Yes!!!
JG: I said are my back up singers ready?
AM & KK: Yes.
JG: You better show more enthusiasm once the film is rolling.
KK: Whatever.
JG: Watch it young lady, Lionel might still have some of Clark's blood left over. I could bring Lana back to life.
KK: We cut off her head.
JG: Just her head then. It could be like that Adam's Family thing.
ED: I thought that was a hand.
JG: Head, hand. Whatever.
KK: You wouldn't!
JG: Try me!
KK: [Scowls] I can't believe I'm actually going to do this.
[JG picks up a wireless mic and takes AoTs hand.]
JG: M'lady.
[JG bows and AoT curtsies]
JG: Cue the music.

[Elton John's "My Elusive Drug begins."]
JG: I'm not the same as I used to be
AoT: All the things I've heard seem hard to believe
JG: Haven't always been good
AoT: Never really been bad
JG: Most times I've been happy. Yeah sometimes I've been sad

AM, ED, & KK: So sa-a-a-ad.

JG: Sure I've made mistakes
AoT: Haven't we all?
JG: I've been loose as a canon
AoT: And dumb as a wall

AM, ED, & KK: Dumb as a wa-a-a-al.

JG: Haven't always been sober and counted my ducks
AoT: If I look back now I've had my share of luck

JG: But the change didn't come over night
AoT: I've been searching for you all my life

JG: All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug in exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG & AoT: You my elusive drug

AoT: I'm gonna stay now
JG: I really like it here
AoT: I may paint your picture
JG: And I might grow a beard

AM, ED, & KK: Grow a bea-a-a-ard.

JG: There were times I was crazy, couldn't handle my life. Don't think you'd like me, not a any old price

AoT: But the change didn't come over night
JG: I've been searching for you all my life. All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug.

AoT: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG & AoT: You my elusive drug

JG: I'm not taking the pills
AoT: I got burned out and chilled by the cold

JG: But I've no regrets and that being said
AoT: You know cheap thrills can get pretty old.
AM, ED, & KK: o-o-o-o-o-ld.

[AoT and JG dance.]
AM, ED, & KK: Yeah

[JG breaks away long enough to pull a rose from a nearby vase with his teeth.]

AM, ED, & KK: Yeah

[JG pushes AoT up against the wall. He pulls the rose from his mouth and presents it to her.]

AM, ED, & KK: Oh, Yeah

JG: But the change didn't come over night
AoT: I've been searching for you all my life

JG: All the habits that I couldn't handle I've swept them under the rug

AoT: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
JG: You my elusive drug

AM, ED, & KK: The sweetest addiction

JG: In exchange for the sweetest addiction
AoT: You my elusive drug

[JG kisses AoT passionately. ED walks up into the frame]
ED: Feed your addiction, Smallville. Thursdays at eight on the CW.

Camera man: And cut!
[MR returns. AoT and JG whip out their phones]
AoT: I'm calling my husband.
JG: Mine too.
MR: Wait. Not so fast.
AoT: Guh?
MR: We're going to have to shoot it again. After a few costume changes.
AM: I'd do anything to get out of this!
[A courier arrives with a box. MR opens it.]
MR: Mr. Whedon...
AM: Whedon?!!? Oh for criminy sake!
MR: This is for you Allison.
[Hands AM a black leather corset and a choker with steel spikes]
AM: Taffeta is looking better all the time.
[MR hands KK a pleather jumpsuit and plastic fangs]
KK: Oh, hell no.
[MR hands a plastic jar.]
ED: No outfit?
MR: You won't be needing an outfit.
ED: Then what is this?
MR: Green body paint.
ED: Oh, no. Hell no.
MR: Think Mystique.
ED: What, is that some sort of fragrance?
KK: Rebecca Romijn in the X-men movies.
MR: Only green.
ED: Do I still get to say the tag line?
MR: Hold please. [Into his phone.] You get that?
[MR listens]
MR: Mr. Whedon says the talent known as Erica Durance may say the tag line but for authenticity she must do so in native Pyleaese.
ED: Native what now?
KK: Remember Lane is actually a demon from the hell dimension known as Pylea?
ED: Right. Pylea. That's in the Caribbean, right?
AoT: Whatever he has in there for me I'm not wearing it.
MR: Not a problem, Annette.
AoT: [Pleasantly surprised] Well, I'm glad Joss is being reasonable.
MR: Mr. Whedon insists he be addressed as Mr. Whedon.
AoT: He's not even here!
MR: Mr. Whedon has determined that due to the reduced importance of their respective characters the talents known as John Glover and Annette O'Toole will serve as the backup vocalists in this promotional video.
JG: What the...?!?!
ED: But I still get to say the tag line?
JG: It's my promotion! I demand to star!
MR: Mr. Whedon points out the original content of said promotional video is highly inappropriate.
AoT: This is Tom's doing, I know it! Tom got to Whedon, didn't he, Michael?
MR: Lionel Luthor is now a canon a gay character. There can be no sexual attraction real or imagined to Martha Kent.
AoT: Tom did get to him! Damn him!
MR: Mr. Whedon has instead determined the talent known as Allison Mack will sing for the Character Chloe as if her "elusive drug" is being dominated and degraded.
AM: What the...? Tom better not be behind this.
MR: The talent known as Kristin Kruek will sing for the character Lana revealing her "sweet addiction" is the taste of human blood.
KK: Bullshit! Lana is dead! And if it turns out Tom is behind this he's dead too!
MR: And finally the talent known as Eric Durance will interpret Lane's innate need for demon hellfire.
ED: Whatever. I get to say the tag line?

Next

AoT's promo shoot

as retold by jwm

[AoT, JG & ED on the set of Martha's senate office. They are surrounded by half a dozen hansom young men wearing matching business suits.]
ED: Why have extras do your tag line?
JG: Because everyone is tired of waiting for your promo. We're just not going to use the pompous voice guy.
ED: I could do the tag line.
JG: And I could wear a bikini.
ED: Why? You'd look ridiculous in a bikini.
JG: There's some hidden meaning there Durance.
ED: ...
JG: Think a moment. You'll get it.
ED: I'd rather look at the interns.
JG: Or not.
[TW enters]
TW: What is all this?
AoT: Dammit! He found us!
ED: Annette's promo.
TW: Why didn't anyone tell me?
JG: Gee, I wonder.
TW: What's with all the extras?
ED: They're Martha's interns. Aren't they yummy?
JG: [Eying the interns] Almost enough to make a man consider getting into politics.
TW: You need half a dozen interns for your promo?
AoT: Watch and learn, Tom. [To the camera man] Are we ready?
Camera man (CM): Any time you are Ms. O'Toole.
AoT: Let's get started. Places, boys.
[AoT leans back in her chair and puts her legs up on the desk. The men surround her pretending to have important papers for her to see.]
CM: Annnnnnd action!
AoT: Clark isn't the only one in the family with power.
[I've got the power fires up by Snap! starts up.]
Snap!: I've got the power!
[The men circle AoT with their papers. As she stands they pull off their Velcro fastened suits revealing themselves to be Chippendales. TW's jaw drops. ED & JG grin in delight.]
Snap!: Hey! Yeah!
[The men lift AoT up into the air and carry her around to the music before stopping just in front of the camera]
AoT: My name is Martha Kent. But you can call me Senator.
Chippendales: Power up with Smallville, Thursdays on the CW.
CM: Cut!
TW: No way! There's no freaking way...
AoT: You don't like the line about power?
[The doors burst open and the robed figure of BK appears.]
BK: Fools! You don't even know the meaning of power!
AoT: [Recognizing BK as the man who threw motor oil at her] There he is boys! Get him, for Martha!
[The Chippendales rush BK but he scatters a bag of $1 bills across the room. The Chippendales scramble to pick up the bills and stuff them into their G strings.]
AoT: Damn you!
JG: Good looking, but none to bright are they?
AoT: Shut up!
BK: [Looking around] Where is he?
TW: Who?
BK: The demon!
AoT: Interns! Kill the bad man!
[The Chippendales continue to scoop up $1 bills.]
[JG notices ED scooping up $1 bills and stuffing them down her pants]
JG: What the hell are you doing, Durance!?!?
ED: Come on, John, cant you see how much fun everyone is having? Give it a try!
[JG tentatively squats to pick up a $1 bill]
AoT: I guess if you want something done right you've got to do it yourself. [Rushing BK] Die!
[BK throws motor oil and rotten eggs at AoT, this time blinding her]
AoT: Mother...
BK: I'm sorry. It was meant for the demon but a wizard must protect himself!
AoT: What demon?
TW: Whedon?
BS: [Paranoid] Do not speak it's name! Without the potion we are left unprotected. I must concoct another batch!
AoT: I gonna' kill you!
BK: Hush! You who are possessed by the demon! Once I have sent him back to hell you may return to your normal self.
AoT: I am going to hunt you down and kill you.
BK: I know you are not in control of your actions.
AoT: The hell I'm not!
BK: Do not despair! I'll be back!
[BK runs off.]
AoT: As soon as I can see. Somebody get me a towel!?!?!
[JG hands AoT a discarded suit]
ED: So, how long do you have the Chippendales booked?
AoT: Why?
ED: I was just wondering if they could pretend to be newspaper interns, you know, for the promo.
TW: The promo?!?! No way! There's no freaking way...

Next

KK's promo

as retold by jwm

[TW's trailer. TW picks up an envelope left on his doorstep and enters. Inside there's a DVD with note.]

Loved this so much I've told Kristin we can't wait for the pompous voice guy. We're going to run this in all markets starting tomorrow. Take a look, I know you'll love it too!

I can't wait to see what other great ideas your cast comes up with!

Hugs,
Dawn

[TW frowns and pops the DVD into his computer. A video comes up]

[Cue Card: Kristin Kreuk's promo video]

[AM's legs flailing at the top of the screen composited against a stock image of a sky scraper.]
BS: [Off-screen] And you! You call yourself Superman! But look at you! Without the true Chloe Sullivan by your side you will never be the man you must become.
BS: Any last words... [rustling and unintelligble speaking]
KK: [Trying to sound like BS/MR] Chloe?
AM: Oh my God, don't cut...
[The building moves up frame to simulate Chloe falling]
KK: [Trying to sound like AM] The wire!
AM: Help!
[The video loops a couple of times to make it seem as if AM is falling for a longer period of time.]
KK: [Trying to sound like AM] Aaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhh!
[TW rushes into the frame and AM (who is obviously wearing a wire harness) falls into his arms.]
[A still promo shot of MR comes up on screen]
BS: Blast! Foiled again by the man of steel! Let us go minions!
[Cut back to TW holding AM in his arms.]
AM: Thanks for the save.
KK: [Trying to sound like the CW pompous voice guy] "Save" your Thursdays for Smallville, every week at eight on the CW.

[TW stares blankly at the screen wearily rubbing his face before slowly closing his laptop and the banging his head on the desk.]

Next

AM's promo shoot

as retold by jwm

[AM stands in a wire harness in front of a green screen as a SFX tech talks her through the scene. KK, MR, & ED stand to the side watching]
Tech: OK, so you break the forth wall and say your line then when the wires lift you up you're going to spin around three times and stop. On the third spin extend you right arm out.
AM: And they'll composite an energy bolt from by hand out towards the camera.
Tech: Exactly.
AM: And Robert Palmer's "Bad Case of Loving You" will be playing in the background?
Tech: Of course. We'll dub it in later.
ED: Oh, I love that song! [Singing] Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you...
MR: Are you sure you don't want to set your promo to "Superfreak"?
AM: Shut up Michael!
ED: No pill's gonna cure my ill...
Tech: OK, quiet on the set!
ED: A pretty face don't make no pretty heart...
Tech: That's goes for you too, Roberta.
ED: You know, why don't you let me do the singing?
AM: No.
ED: I could do it A Capella while you shoot!
AM: No!
ED: Killjoy.
Tech: Can we shoot now?
ED: Whatever.
Tech: Annnnnd action!
[TW storms in holding a script up in the air.]
TW: What the hell is this!?!?
Tech: Cut!
ED: Allison's Chloe promo. God, I wish could fly! [Starts humming Bad Case of Loving You]
Tech: Is there a problem, Mr. Welling?
[TW points in the script]
TW: Yes there's a problem! "Chloe Sullivan: The "cure" common television"?!
AM: It's a word play on Chloe's ability to cure meteor freaks.
MR: I told her "Get your freak on with Smallville's Chloe Sullivan Thursdays at eight" is a much better tag line!
AM: Shut up, Micheal.
TW: Michael has a point. It's supposed to be a Smallville promo not a Chloe Sullivan promo.
KK: Relax Tom, it goes on to say watch Chloe Sullivan in Smallville, Thursdays on the CW.
TW: I don't think so. I'm changing it to to "Smallville: The cure for common television."
AM: You can't do that!
TW: Dawn put me in charge.
AM: But that totally ruins the word play.
KK: That and it's stupid.
MR: It was stupid to begin with.
AM: Like you could do any better.
KK: I'll talk to Dawn.
TW: Don't you dare go around me, Kristin.
KK: Why? What are you going to do? Kill Lana?
[Awkward silence]
ED: Uh.. Tom, you should have seen Alli practice flying! It was amazing! [singing] She soared through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young girl on the... uh...
KK: Wire harness?
ED: Doesn't rhyme though.
TW: And that's another thing! If anyone is going to be demonstrating powers in these promos it should be Clark!
KK: You're the one who wanted everyone to write their own.
TW: Only because Dawn is breathing down my neck to get our ratings back up.
ED: Shouldn't that be the producer's job?
[TW glares at ED]
ED: Forget I said anything.
AM: Nobody is stopping you from having powers in your promo.
TW: I had something else planned.
AM: Well that's not my fault is it!?!?
ED: You think I could fly in my promo?
KK: can't fly.
ED: Maybe not on the show. But why not in the promo?
Tech: You know, we're on the clock here, people?
AM: Tom, you and I can sort this out later. Besides, the pompous voice guy isn't going to record until everyone's script is done anyway.
[AM gives ED a significant look]
ED: I've yet to be inspired! Give me a break!
Tech: Are we done here?
AM: We're ready.
Tech: Thank goodness. Quiet on the set! Annnnd action!
[AM looks into the camera]
AM: I'm Chloe Sullivan and the rumors you're heard are true.
MR: She's superfreaky!
AM: Dammit, Michael!
Tech: Cut! [to security] Get him out of here, I don't care if he's part of the cast!
[As security hauls MR away]
MR: Hey, you can't do this to me! I'm Lex Luthor dammit!
[ED notices AM squirming a bit]
ED: How's the harness feel?
AM: It pinches a little.
ED: A little?
AM: A lot. Can we get this over with, please?!?
TW: You know, you don't have to fly.
AM: I've already been in the harness for over an hour. I can handle a couple more minutes.
ED: How bad does it pinch?
AM: Bad.
ED: Where?
AM: You don't want to know.
ED: [Grimacing] Maybe flying is over rated.
Tech: Quiet! Annnnnd action!
AM: I'm Chloe Sullivan and the rumors you're heard are true.
[AM spins around as she's pulled up by the wires. She reaches her hand out and smiles as she stops spinning.]
AM: Blonds do have more...
BS: Sacrilege!
[BS and his loyal minions have come out onto the set]
Tech: Dammit! Who let him in here!?!?
BS: Everyone knows the true Chloe Sullivan is not a blond!!!
AM: Oh my God, not this again.
BS: The vile impostor must die!
Tech: Security!
BS: Your feeble security is busy with the man who falsely claims the mantle of Lex Luthor.
TW: Bryan.. did you shave your head?
BS: That's Mr. Luthor to you, my arch nemesis!
KK: I think someone forgot his meds.
ED: Or hit his head really hard.
[BS points at ED]
BS: The true Chloe Sullivan can only realize her destiny once this pretender is gone forever!
ED: I'm not...
BS: Silence!
ED: Chloe...
BS: I said silence!!!!
[BS motions his minions, they take hold of ED]
ED: What the hell are you doing!?!?!
BS: I now realize you will never accept your true destiny until this [gestures at AM] vile abomination of Donner's grand vision is dealt with once and for all!
AM: Did you just call me vile?
KK: Not to mention an abomination.
AM: Not helping, Kristin.
TW: Everyone just calm down for a second!
BS: And you! You call yourself Superman! But look at you! Without the true Chloe Sullivan by your side you will never be the man you must become.
Tech: Get out of here, you crank! We need to finish this promo.
[BS punches out the Tech then rushes to the wire pulley.]
BS: Any last words, "Noe"?
KK: Noe?
Minion #1: It means "No Chloe".
KK: Oh.
Minion #2: Because is the true...
KK: I got that much, thank you. [pauses] He's insane, you know that don't you?
Minion #1: Yes. We would quit if we thought he wouldn't track us down and kill us.
BS: Quiet, Otis.
[BS pulls out a knife and holds it up to the wires]
AM: Oh my God, don't cut...
[BS cuts the wires and AM starts to fall.]
AM: Help!
[TW rushes in and catches her just as security come back]
Security Guard #1: Hey, what are you doing here?!!?
BS: [Waving his fist] Blast! Foiled again by the man of steel! Let us go minions!
Minion #2: Should we take the girl?
BS: Leave her. Chloe's destiny is too important to jeopardize.
ED: For the last time I'm not Chloe, dammit!
BS: [As he exits] You have always been Chloe. You just don't realize it yet!
ED: And you're a total fruitcake!
AM: Thanks for the save.
TW: You're welcome. See? Shouldn't Clark be the one doing the heroics?
AM: Maybe you're right.
KK: You know, Erica, I think you might have an idea here for ' promo.
ED: What? Falling into big, blank, and stupid's arms?
TW: [Putting AM back down] Hey!
ED: No offense but that doesn't exactly convey the sexiness that is Lane.
KK: I liked it. I want it to be my promo.
TW: You don't have to do one, Kristin.
KK: I want to.
ED: Lana is dead.
KK: I'll use Allison.
AM: [Pulling off the harness] I'm not getting in this again.
TW: You wonder why I don't like doing special effects.
[KK looks at ED]
ED: Don't look at me.
[KK Checks out the camera]
KK: It was still filming!
[As KK removes the tape AM and TW exchange worried looks.]

Next

A little self promotion

as retold by jwm

[ED sits typing on her laptop in the break room]
ED: Then a close up and and... Wait, no, that should be bigger. [Types] Oh, No! Where'd my paragraph go?!?!
[KK & AM enter chatting with each other]
AM: Yeah, I don't know. I'd love to go to your premier but I've never played Street Fighter so...
KK: You don't have to have played the game to get the movie.
AM: Really?
ED: Undo, undo, undo. Hmm. Control U, maybe? [presses keys] Ack!
KK: Seriously.
AM: Is Michael going?
ED: Why is my whole document underlined!?!?
KK: No. He says making movies out of video games is tantamount to sacrilege.
AM: I thought he loved Tomb Raider?
ED: Bad computer! Bad computer!
KK: Apparently he's willing to make an exception for Angelina Jolie.
[MR enters with a box of pop tarts]
MR: What's that about Jolie?
KK: I said you made an exception to watch Jolie in Tomb Raider you wouldn't make for me.
MR: What she didn't mention, Allison, is it's because Angelina upped a cup size to be more in line with the game.
AM: She padded her bra?
MR: A sacrifice she was willing to make for the sake of art.
KK: I'm not padding my bra!
MR: And that's what separates you from the real pros of the industry. You have no appreciation for authenticity! You think shaving my head for seven years was a walk in the park?
[MR unplugs ED's laptop to free an outlet for the toaster]
KK: Micheal, I swear! Shaving your head is nothing like...
ED: Oh no. Why's my computer beeping?
MR: I bet you have no idea what Chun-Li's cup size really is, do you?
KK: I seriously don't...
MR: Yes or no?
[ED's computer shuts down]
ED: Dammit!
KK: What I do know is it's a just a little sick that you know the cup size of a video game character.
MR: You didn't answer the question. Stop stalling.
KK: Honestly I don't even know why I talk to you sometimes.
ED: WORK, YOU STUPID COMPUTER! WORK!
MR: Whoa, someone needs to lay off the caffeine.
ED: My computer just spontaneously shut itself off!
[KK picks up the electric cord]
KK: That's what happens when you don't have it plugged in, Einstein.
ED: But I did...
[ED spots Michael standing next to the toaster]
ED: MICHAEL!!!!!!
[The pop tarts pop up and MR grabs them]
MR: Got to go!
[AS MR juggles the hot pastries as he runs out]
MR: Owwie! Owwie! Owwie!
ED: I swear!
[AM plugs the laptop back in]
AM: Did you loose much?
ED: No. I hadn't gotten that very far anyway.
KK: I didn't know you had any episodes left to write.
ED: I'm working on the stupid promo Tom wants everyone to write. You done yours yet?
AM: Finished yesterday.
ED: [To KK] You?
KK: Lana's dead.
ED: Oh. Right.
[Awkward silence]
AM: Well good luck with that promo.
ED: Thanks.
[AM & KK move to leave.]
ED: By the way I think it's a C, maybe a D depending on the medium.
AM: What's a C?
ED: Chun-Li's bra size.
KK: Maybe Boobstein is more appropriate than we thought.
[AM elbows KK]
KK: Ow!
ED: Boobstein?
AM: It's... uh, a nickname they've given .
ED: How dare they!
AM: I know, it's really...
ED: I should have known with all the plastic surgery rumors...
AM: The what now?
ED: Boobstein? Like Frankenstein. But.. with boobs.
KK: Actually I think it's a reference to Bernstein.
ED: The investment house?
KK: Huh?
ED: They just went bankrupt! They think my career is bankrupt!?!?
AM: You mean Bear Stearns? I hate to break it to you but they're not calling Boob Stearns.
KK: That's kind of funny too, though.
[AM elbows KK]
KK: Ow! Stop that, dammit!
AM: It's from Woodward and Bernstein.
ED: Really?
AM: I know. It's...
ED: That's so sweet!
AM: It is?
ED: Combining breasts with one of the most famous reporters ever? It's brilliant! Like a Reese's cup! Too great things that go great together!
KK: Since when do famous reporters and boobs go great together?
ED: If you're talking about Lane? Of course! It's the perfect nickname for the sexist ever!
AM: I... don't think...
ED: It's iconic! I love it!
AM: ...it's supposed to be a compliment.
ED: I should sell little Boobstein bobbleheads on my website!
AM: Huh?
ED: Still, it would have been nice to have been named after the famouser one.
KK: Boobward?
AM: Famouser?
ED: Boobstein is catchier, though, isn't it?
AM: It's not a matter of catchy...
[ED closes up her laptop and stands]
ED: I have to talk to may agent!
KK: Boobstein bobbleheads?
ED: I'm going to trademark it!
AM: You can't...
ED: Allison, don't be a hater just because suddenly Chloe's breasts have a little competition in the nickname department!
[ED exits. As she leaves the room the power cord snaps out of the wall and drags behind her]
KK: Wow.
AM: Wow.
KK: So, Allison, any chance I'll be able to buy a Chloveage bobblehead off your website in the near future?
AM: Only if you make the ultimate sacrifice for authenticity and go up a cup size for your movie.
KK: So not a chance in hell, then?
AM: Nope.

Next

Chosen

as retold by RepairmanBob

(The lights come back on in the writer’s room. BK and JW are gone. AoT has ED in a headlock. AM and KK are laying on the ground. JG is chasing a screaming MR. TW is sitting in his seat, scowling.)
ED: Owww! Owww! Owww!
KK: What happened?
MR: Help! Save me!
JG: You’ve gone too far this time, boy!
ED: Owww!
AoT: (incoherent snarls)
TW: (shakes his head)
AM: I am so confused.
MR: Somebody save me!
ED: Let go of me, Annette!
AoT: (More incoherent snarls)
MR: (Trips over KK) Ahhh!
KK: Damnit!
JG: I’ve got you now – (trips over AM)
AM: Crap!
TW: I hate you all.
(AoT released ED, looks around and spots TW. She grabs TW by the neck, lifts him into the air and slams him against the wall)
TW: What the hell, Annette!
AoT: (low voice) Tom, I have had my guitar vandalized. I have not had on-site catering, a working web-cam or a visit from my husband in a month. And now, I smell like used motor oil and sulfur.
TW: Annette –
AoT: Do you think I enjoy smelling like the devil’s motorcycle, Tom? Do you?
TW: What.. are... you...
AoT: (screams) No, Tom! I do not! I do not bloody well enjoy it one bit!
TW: (choking) Can’t… breath…
JG: (Slowly standing) Annette, he can’t answer if he can’t breath.
TW: (eyes roll back in head)
AoT: Right you are, John. (Slams TW back into his chair.)
TW: (Coughs)
AoT: Tom, let me make this perfectly clear. I want Bryan, that Whedon moron and the abysmal little cretin who covered me in this… vile concoction to go away. I want to write my script in peace. You are going to make this happen.
TW: (Looks frustrated) What am I supposed to do? Why do you think I can fix this?
AoT: Don’t be dense, Tom. (Points at ED and MR) Those two are barely functional halfwits.
ED: Did she just insult us?
MR: I am not sure.
AoT: Kristin and Allison will betray the rest of us the first opportunity they get.
AM: That’s not fair!
KK: Do you remember what happened to the first season we wrote? (High pitched voice) “You are all mean to Chloe! I am going to ask Al and Miles to fix everything!”
AM: That was a completely different - (stops and thinks, shrugs) OK, you’ve got me.
AoT: This kind of work is simply beneath John and I.
JG: As it should be.
AoT: That leaves you, Tom. Get to it.
TW: (Stands up) Let me make this clear. If I can do this, if I can get rid of Singer and those other two freaks, then you are all going to owe me. There are going to be some major changes around here. Starting with –
AoT: (ignoring TW) God, I need to get this foul ooze off of me. John, do you have any of that shampoo left?
JG: (To AoT) And some nice soaps that were supposed to go to Erica. Let’s go.
(JG and AoT stand up, head towards the door)
TW: Where are you going? I was just –
AM: (Also ignoring TW) I need a drink.
MR: It’s ten in the morning!
AM: So?
MR: (Looks around the destroyed writer’s room) I see your point.
ED: Tequila or rum?
AM: (Raises an eyebrow)
KK: Tequila it is.
TW: But, but –
(AM, MR, KK and ED walk out the door. TW sits down, looks depressed)
TW: Ah, crap.
(Shouting is heard from outside the writer’s room)
JG: Nooo! Someone switched my shampoo with tequila!
AoT: I smell like a hobo!
AM: Nooo! Someone switched my tequila with shampoo!
KK+ED+MR: (gagging, retching)
TW: (bangs head on table)

Next

...With Feeling.

as retold by RepairmanBob

MR: You are all going to love me! This is the best idea ever!
KK: You hired bounty hunters to capture Bryan?
JG: No! It’s dogs so we can hunt the little bastard down ourselves!
AoT: Wonderful!
ED: You got me a spread in Playboy!
(TW+KK+AoT+AM+MR looks at ED in shock)
ED: What? Michael said it was the best idea ever!
AM: You make me ashamed to be a blond.
MR: When you see this, you will forget all about Bryan! Let me introduce you all to out new showrunner –
TW: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
MR: Joss Whedon!
(MR holds open the door, and Joss Whedon (JW) enters, to the theme song of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, blaring from MR’s iPod. JW is dressed all in black, including a stylish beret and dark sunglasses. He walks to the head of the table, and waits for MR to run over and pull out his chair. JW sits down, and looks at a point four feet above the head of the cast.)
TW: (Pulling MR aside) What the hell are you doing?
MR: Relax! This will be great!
TW: We don’t need a show-runner! We need to get rid of Bryan and get back to work!
MR: Trust me, Tom. Joss is a genius.
KK: (Stands, walks to JW) Mr. Whedon, I have always been a huge fan of your work. I am so excited about working with you. This is such an honor. (Extends her hand to JW)
JW: (Continues looking at a point four feet above the cast)
KK: Mr. Whedon?
AoT: Michael, you didn’t happen to feed your friend any brownies, did you?
KK: (Glares at AM) Damnit, Allison, if you ruin this for me –
AM: It’s not my fault! I haven’t tried to drug Michael since... well, not today.
JW: (Pulls put a Blackberry, types a message)
MR: (Phone rings, takes it out) What? Oh, yes. (Reads) “Mr. Whedon will not be touched by the talent.”
ED: Excuse me?
KK: (Sits down, looks like someone kicked her puppy)
AoT: My goodness!
AM: What the hell!
KK: (Looks like she is about to cry) I’m not talent! I don’t even act on this goddamn show anymore!
TW: Michael?
JW: (Types a message)
MR: (Phone rings) Another text? “Mr. Whedon does not talk directly to the talent.” Well, the man is a genius, so I guess that makes sense.
JG: I appreciate arrogance as much as the next Magnificent Bastard, but that was simply uncalled for.
MR: “Mr. Whedon is a brilliant creative mind, and he will bring an intellectual renaissance to your dreadful little show. Here are some of the changes the talent will make.”
AM: I am starting to miss Al.
KK: Bite your tongue!
MR: “All of the male characters are now gay. Exploring the psychosexual dimensions of the conflict between Clark Kent and Lex Luthor will become a major theme of the show. The talent will investigate how the physical and verbal conflicts between the men represent their suppressed sexual longing for one another.” What?
TW: (Looks at MR) I want to punch you in the face so hard right now.
ED: You’ve got it!
JG: Do you know how long it has been since I have been able to play a homosexual character on television? This is wonderful!
AoT: John, how is Lionel going to be with Martha if he is gay?
JG: (Frowns) You have a point. (To JW) Lionel and Martha need to be bisexual.
AoT: I can work with that.
TW: (Puts hands over ears) Not listening!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided Chloe will not be gay.”
AM: Actually, after my work on Capricia, it is not that big a deal to –
MR: “She is clearly into rough sex and bondage, based on her desire to be submissive to the needs of everyone around her. The talent will explore her need to be dominated and degraded in order to feel loved.”
AM: (Jaw drops)
MR: “The talent known as Allison Mack will also play the role of 17 different ChloeBots, each having a different sexually deviant behavior.”
AM: (Jaw still dropped)
KK: Maybe he is not so bad after all.
ED: What about me? I was TV Guide’s –
MR: “Mr. Whedon was nearly impressed with the talent known as Erica Durance’s singing in Noir.”
ED: Thank you!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided that the talent will explore this aspect of the character.”
AM: But I can sing! I choreographed Rent!
JG: Shut up, bitch.
AM: Excuse me?
JG: Just practicing for when we explore Chloe’s submissive side.
AM: (Mutters about revenge and switching shampoo with Nair)
MR: “ Lane will learn she is actually a demon from the hell dimension known as Pylea.”
AM + KK: (laughing)
ED: Hurray! I get to sing!
AM: Covered in green body paint and scales.
ED: Body paint? I’ll break out in hives! How am I going to be Maxim’s Sexiest Lane if I am covered in hives?
MR: “Mr. Whedon also has a major plan for Lana Lang.”
KK: (Stops laughing) What now?
MR: “Mr. Whendon was intrigued surprised by the idea of mutant vampires. He would have handled the concept better, of course. Lana will return as a vampire in the season eight premiere.”
AM+ED+TW: (Laughing)
KK: (Frantic) I cut Lana’s head off! She can’t come back from that! It breaks the rules!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decreed that a mutant vampire would survive the injury.”
KK: No no no! I am not putting on fangs and pleather again!
ED: I’ll swap pleather for green body paint!
MR: “Mr. Whedon has decided the roles of the parental figures will need to be reduced, to show the growth and maturity of the other characters.”
AoT: Works for me.
JG: I would be happy with a three day work week, if that is possible.
MR: “There talent known an Annette O’Toole and John Glover will have their salaries reduced to reflect this change.”
AoT + JG: (Shocked expressions)
MR: “The money will go towards hiring a talent to play Clark’s long lost cousin, Kara. This will allow Clark to take on a more paternal role, which Mr. Whedon feels the audience has been seeking.”
JG: My pay is being cut so we can get Cousin Oliver?
MR: A hot young female Cousin Oliver!
TW: Michael, do I even want to ask what you were thinking?
MR: Seventeen ChloeBots, Tom! Seventeen ChloeBots!
AoT: (Slowly stands up) Mr. Whedon, please allow me to say how much pleasure I am going to take in kicking your –
(The door of the writing room bursts open, and Brad Kern runs in.)
BK: Cheap boobs shots and cooter tats / to hell send this demon back!
(BK throws a vial of liquid at JW, who ducks, leaving AoT to get a face full of what smells like motor oil and rotten eggs.)
AoT: (Slowly wipes the mix from her face.)
JG: Oh my.
AoT: (Leaps over writing table at BK) I am not amused!
(The lights go out)

(Outside the trailer BS, CL1 and CL2 listen to sounds of fighting. AoT shouting and MR begging for mercy are clearly heard.)
BS: My enemies are fighting among themselves, too distracted to see the real threat. Me. Just as I planned, Otis.
CL1: What are you talking about? We just came back from dinner at Taco Bell.
BS: (Oblivious to CL1) Just as I planned it.

Next

Once More...

as retold by RepairmanBob

(The cast, minus MR, sit around the table in the writer’s room.)
TW: (Under his breath) Damn it Michael, you said you would back me up on this. (To the group) Thanks for coming. I know that last few weeks have been a little tough, since Bryan and the new person –
AoT: A little tough? The security guards have been attacked! They refuse to set foot on our lot!
JG: None of the computers are working!
ED: Craft services won’t bring us food!
AM: Some moron in a bathrobe threw paint at my trailer!
KK: I need my hair care products, Tom! I am not Allison! I care about how I look!
AM: Hey!
KK: Why haven’t you taken care of this?
ED+AM+JG+AoT: Yeah!
TW: (Looks shocked) Me? How is this my fault?
KK: You always fix these things! Take care of it!
TW: Listen, if we just stay calm and work together –
KK: I need my conditioner, Tom! I need my conditioner and my shampoo and my –
JG: (Looks abashed) Yes, well, I might have had something to do with that.
TW: Excuse me?
JG: After someone took my shampoo, I made it clear to the delivery people that the consequences would be dire if I ran out of product again.
AoT: Oh, John…
JG: I might have said something about having all of Kristin’s hair care materials delivered to my trailer.
KK: (Scowling) Might have?
JG: Fine, fine, I quite clearly threatened their families if I did not get every last drop of relaxer, support and sheen.
KK: Damnit, John! You know how much I care about my hair!
JG: If it makes you feel any better, I told them to deliver Allison’s product too.
AM: You dick!
JG: Of course, I just threw that crap away. Ali, you really need to start taking some pride in your appearance.
ED: You’ll never be TV Guide’s Sexiest Female for 2009 if you don’t start thinking about your hair.
KK: Yeah, I am sure the voters were looking at your hair, Erica.
AM: I have a Peabody!
AoT: You don’t have to look ugly to be taken seriously as an artist, Allison.
AM: I have been doing promotional work for Capricia for the past four week! I just flew in from Tokyo!
ED: With that hair?
JG+KK: (Shudders)
TW: Let me get this straight. John, you are the one who took all of Kristin’s shampoo?
KK: And conditioner and gloss and herbal –
TW: Yeah, yeah, whatever. That means Bryan and the new person had nothing to do with it, Kristin.
AM: What about me?
TW: What about you?
AM: Someone threw paint on my trailer!
ED: Oh, yeah. That was me.
AM: What the hell?
ED: Michael and I were out drinking, and Michael bet I would not have the guts to throw paint on your trailer wearing nothing but a bathrobe.
AM: How does that even make a little bit of sense?
ED: (Shrugs) I guess you had to be there.
AoT: John?
JG: (Smiles) Telephoto lenses. After paying Michael his cut, I still have enough for a romantic getaway during the hiatus.
TW: (Frowns) I think I see a trend. Computer network going down?
AoT: (Looks embarrassed) My husband and I may have crashed it during our… teleconference.
TW: (Slowly shakes his head) Do I want to know?
AoT: Well, we were doing some role playing, and I was the naughty police officer -
TW: No, I do not need to hear this.
AoT: And just when it started to get interesting –
TW: Not even a little bit.
AoT: It turned out that I had hooked up the camera’s feed to the CW web site.
TW: (Puts head on table)
AoT: There were over 50 million hits in 10 minutes. The servers exploded, they told me. On the up side, I generated so much ad revenue that Dawn gave me a nice little bonus.
ED: Nicely done! Do you think they would be interested in -
TW: (Raises head) Shut up, Erica. Anyone want to admit to attacking the guards?
KK: I thought they were Al and Miles. I am not taking any chances.
TW: Kristin, you attacked 37 security guards!
KK: It was dark!
TW: It was dark 37 times?
KK: I don’t have to justify myself to you!
TW: I don’t believe this! You morons are responsible for every problem that has shut down the production of Smallville! How am I supposed to explain this to Dawn?
AM : Excuse me, Tom? Are you calling me a moron?
TW: I’m sorry, Allison. I should have known you would have enough sense to not be involved in anything this stupid.
KK: (Clears her throat)
TW: Oh, come on, Kristin. This is exactly the kind of thing you would –
KK: (To AM) Allison? Would you like to say something?
AM: (unintelligible mutters)
TW: Oh for fuck’s sake.
KK: Allison?
AM: Fine! Fine, I am the one who drove the caterers away! I told them that if they could not make a decent cup of coffee, then they could go to hell!
KK: And?
AM: I tazered the cooks when my Eggs Florentine were undercooked.
JG: Well, who wouldn’t?
KK: And?
AM: I maced a deliver boy when he brought me whole milk with my brownies.
ED: Now that I can understand. Fat free milk or someone's getting a beating.
TW: (Stands up, starts to shout) God damnit! It is not bad enough that we have Singer and some new freak running around! You dumbshits have once again driven production of the one CW show that gets better ratings than a test signal into the ground!
JG: What can I say? Its a gift.
MR: (Bursts into the room) Tom! I did it! I have found the answer to all our problems! I am a genius!
TW: (Sits down) Ah, crap.

Next

Chaos Interruptus

as retold by Bill C

[A resort patio in Cancun. A laptop sitting on a table chimes.]
MM: Hey, Al? We got mail.
AG [to a woman in a swimsuit]: Yeah, really. Zod? All my idea.
MM: Al?
AG: So what do you say? Dinner tonight, my room?
Woman [laughs]: You're not really the producer of Smallville.
AG: Of course I am! Well, okay, I was--but I still consult on the show from time to time. They really value my input.
Woman: Come on...but that's a good line, though.
AG: It's only a line if I didn't mean it.
MM [taps keys on the laptop's keyboard]: Okay, fine, I'll check the mail... [mouth drops open] Holy...
[Faint voices from laptop]
Woman: Okay, prove it.
MM: Al?
AG: I can probably get you a walk-on role on the show.
Woman [laughs]: No, you can't!
MM: Al!
AG: Excuse me for just a moment. [to MM] What?
MM [points at laptop]: Check it out!
AG [angry]: What? What's so important that... [reads] Uh...huh...

To: Al Gough, Miles Millar
From: "a freind"

You may find this interesting. Enjoy.

AG: You interrupted me for porn spam?
MM: No, no, it's not porn spam! Look at the video attachment!
AG [to woman]: Hold on just one moment, please. [to MM] Can this wait?
MM: No! [restarts video and turns up the volume on the laptop]

[Shaky-cam footage of the outside of TW's trailer, apparently shot from behind a tree. TW is staring at the flaming S on the side of it.]
TW: What the...who did this? Who the hell did this?!? I need a fire extinguisher! [runs into trailer]
[There is a loud thumping noise off-camera. A flaming Wii suddenly lands on the ground in front of the trailer.]
MR [off-camera, screaming]: Noooooooo!
TW [comes back outside with a fire extinguisher]: Someone is going to pa-- [notices the Wii] What the hell?
MR [appears from camera-right]: My Guitar Hero III disc was in there, godda-- [notices the mannequins] What the hell?
TW [sprays the Wii with the extinguisher, then starts spraying the side of the trailer]: I swear, somebody is going to pay for this!
MR: You said it. Nobody touches my Wii!
AoT [off-camera, shouting]: You bastards!
MR: ...what?
[AoT runs in from camera-left and grabs MR by the throat]
AoT [furiously]: Michael, I am going to kill you!
TW: Annette, wait--
AoT: And you're next!
MR [gasping]: Wha...wha'I duh?
AoT: You know exactly what you did, you... [notices the mannequins] little...what in the world?
TW [finishes using the extinguisher]: Someone decided to touch up my trailer. [pauses] Wait. Annette, why are you trying to kill Michael today?
MR [faintly]: Yuh, whah?
AoT: Someone mutilated my guitar! I want blood!
TW: Okay, hold on. Everybody knows your guitar is sacred, right?
AoT [pauses]: Well...yeah...
TW [points at the smoking Wii]: I'm thinking you didn't do that...
AoT: What? I wasn't even near his trailer!
TW: Okay, so who would mess with your guitar...destroy Michael's toy...and do [points at trailer] that?
[AoT lets go of MR]
MR [wheezes]: Glover! This must be his handiwork!
[AM drags a semi-conscious KK in from camera-left]
AM: Okay, which one of you guys put that freaky-ass thing in Kristin's trailer?
MR: Whoa. What happened to her?
AM: I found her passed out on the stairs of her trailer...and then I saw [shivers] that.
TW: Saw what?
AM: You know! I know one of you put it in her trailer!
TW: Put what in her trailer? [walks off-camera]
AM [notices the mannequins]: That's really disturbing.
MR [points at the Wii]: That's more disturbing!
AM [puzzled]: The fuck?
AoT: Okay, what the hell is going on here? Someone screwed with my guitar...
MR: My Wii exploded, dammit!
AM: Someone screwed with my tequila supply!
[KK moans faintly]
AoT: What's wrong with Kristin?
TW [off-camera, alarmed]: OH MY GOD!
MR: Huh?
AM: Kristin's trailer.
[MR walks off-camera]
AoT: Something's wrong. You all know not to mess with my guitar.
AM: You're kidding, right? Ever since you punched out Jen--
AoT: So who would do that... [points at the Wii] and that... [points at TW's trailer] and--
MR [off-camera]: JESUS CHRIST!
AoT: --that?
AM/AoT [after a few seconds]: Glover.
JG [walks in from camera-left with a towel on his head]: I am now going to kill each and every one of y-- [notices the mannequins] ...uh.
AM: Just guessing...something of yours was screwed with?
JG: How could you tell?
AM: Get in line.
JG [points at KK]: What's wrong with her?
[MR and TW walk back on-camera]
TW: We...have just had a glimpse into Kristin's world.
MR: It's scary as hell.
[KK moans again]
ED [off-camera, yelling]: I need pants!
AM [looks off-camera]: What?
ED: All my clothes were replaced with pregnancy clothes! I need some pants that fit! Thanks, smartasses!
AM: Just use a big belt and tighten it!
ED: Are you insane? There's no way I'll end up wearing Hammer pants!
AoT [loudly]: Then wear a bikini or something!
ED [after a few seconds]: Okay!
TW: Wait a minute. Someone messed with Erica too...
JG: So, what, something was done to each of us?
MR [sniffs]: My Wii...Tom's trailer...and those things. Annette's guitar--
JG: Ever since she punched out--
AoT: We know.
MR: There's that...thing...in Kristin's trailer. And apparently all of Erica's clothes are gone.
JG: What thing? [walks off-camera]
AM: And on top of that: someone switched my tequila with rum. Rum!
TW [pacing back and forth]: Someone messed with all of us? Who would be that insane?
JG [walks back on-camera]: That...was unpleasant.
MR: You would say that.
[TW walks over to one of the mannequins and fingers the Superman suit it is wearing]
TW: Oh, God. I recognize this suit. This is...oh, no.
ED [loudly]: Where the hell are my bikinis?!?
AM: What?
TW: It's the suit I snatched out of Bryan's office and shipped to you, Allison.
ED: I can't find my bikinis! Dammit, I'm going to have to go with the Hammer pants!
AM: Could have sworn I got rid of that. But that means...
MR: Bryan did this? All of this? [pauses] Even to me?
JG: I never thought he had it in him.
ED: What?
TW [loudly]: Erica, we think Bryan Singer did this!
ED: I'm going to kill him!
AoT: I knew I should have tasered him in the groin!

[camera abruptly tilts to the left, and video ends]
AG [awestruck]: Whoa.
Woman: What is it?
MM: I don't believe it either!
AG: Play it again.
Woman: Hey...if you're seriously a consultant, can you put in a--
AG [to Woman]: Shhh! [to MM] Play it again!
MM [restarts video]: I love the smell of schadenfreude in the morning!
Woman: But I--
AG: Shhh! [points at screen] God, I wish I'd thought of the mannequin thing!

Next

Producer Wars, Part IV: A new evil is revealed

as retold by Ratman

[CL1, CL2, and BS walking down a corridor in a basement, somewhere.]

BS: I think it's time we went to see that surveillance footage, don't you?
CL2: Actually, Mr. Singer -
BS: Luthor.
CL2: Whatever. Now that you're done having your revenge, do you think you would be willing to void your contract -
BS: Done? But Miss Teschmacher, I've only just begun!
CL2: [annoyed] My name is not Miss Teschmacher, it's -
BS: [turning to CL1] Otis, what did my father used to say to me?
CL1: I don't know, sir.
BS: Get out.
CL1: [suprised] You want me to leave, sir?
BS: No, that's what you're supposed to say.
CL1: [confused] I'm supposed to say what, sir?
BS: Get out.
CL1: Get out?
BS: Before that.
CL1: Before what?
BS: Never mind. He used to say....

[BS is interrupted by the sudden appearance of a mysterious figure in a long flowing robe and hood.]

BS: Who are you? How did you find us?
Mysterious Robed Figure: Producers past and powers that be / Protect me now from the evil I see / This spell is great because it rhymes / I had my coffee with sugar and limes!

[MRF throws a glass vial full of an unidentified colored liquid at the ground next to BS. The vial shatters, spraying BS's white suit with colored liquid. MRF makes a weird tinkly noise and runs away.]

BS: My suit! That person ruined my suit!
CL1: [pulling out a handkerchief, dabbing BS's suit] Let me help clean that up, sir.
BS: How did he find us? If I ever find out who leaked the location of my secret hideout....
[CL1 and CL2 look nervously at each other.]

[Later: MRF is in a dark room lit only by candles, kneeling in front of a framed picture of Aaron Spelling.]

MRF: Lord Spelling, I beseech you for your assistance. I have been asked to take on a new project, one that is worthy of your apprentice. It has much drama and hot women with boobs, though not nearly enough sex or backstabbing or unnecesarily revealing clothing. It is a show that needs my help, and I can help it, with my experience from & Clark. But it is currently ruled by an evil demon. My spell and vanquishing potion were useless against him, so I ask you now for the strength to defeat him.
[MRF takes out an 8-track tape and lighter.]
MRF: [setting the tape on fire] I hereby sacrifice to you my only copy of T.J. Hooker, season one, episode 4, and ask for the power to defeat this dark being.
[MRF stands slowly.]
MRF: The power of three will set me free. The power of three will set me free.
[MRF takes off his hood to reveal: Brad Kern.]
Brad Kern: The power of three will set me free.

Next

Counterstrike?

as retold by jwm

[The cast gather in the break room to plan their response.]
AM: This is all your fault, Welling!
TW: My fault? How the...?
AM: It all started with your stupid little April Fool's joke!
TW: That was Kristin's idea!
AM: But...
KK: Actually it was my idea.
AM: And you let me...?
KK: It was fun, wasn't it?
AM: This is all Kristin's fault!
KK: Pardon me but I wasn't the genius who decided to feed Bryan Ritalin!
AM: The only way to play Tom was to keep Bryan coherent. Otherwise who knows what he would have done!
TW: He would have still been picking up change.
ED: How could you Allison! I finally had my mojo back! I was voted TV Guide's sexiest sci-fi gal and made FHM's top 20! [Holds up a mu-mu] And now this!
AM: You think I'm happy about my tequila and pork rind stash being secretly replaced with spiced rum and cheese doodles?
ED: I like spiced rum!
MR: I like cheese doodles!
AM: Heathens.
AoT: This kind of infighting is exactly what he wants. We need to stick together!
KK: Are you sure he didn't just want to punish us?
AoT: Well, maybe?
TW: It's working. Those mannequins completely freaked me out! It was like their eyes were following me.
KK: Actually they were. There were little surveillance cameras in them.
TW: OK. Now I'm really freaked out.
KK: You should try having a poster of Al & Miles in your trailer watching you. Naked.
AM: They saw you naked?
KK: No. Al and Miles were naked.
AM: In your trailer?
ED: Ew.
KK: Let's drop it, OK?
JG: If Bryan is monitoring us we could use it to our advantage.
AM: An excellent idea!
JG: Of course! It was mine.
KK: Already taken care of.
TW: What do you mean?
KK: Well Michael and I...
JG: Oh, bloody hell!
MR: What?
JG: Erica wasn't involved too was she?
ED: Excuse me!?!?
MR: Well we did wave pictures of her FHM spread in front of the camera.
ED: Thank you!
MR: But she didn't participate herself.
JG: Thank god for small favors.
KK: We also burned all the super suits in effigy.
AM: Don't you think that might, I' don't know, just make him madder?!?!
MR: Then I threw his collection of Superman DVD's into the bonfire!
TW: You know, I have a feeling that wasn't exactly what John had in mind when he said we could use the cameras to our advantage.
JG: No. But I think I might actually like this better!
KK: Finally I read several reviews about how Kate Bosworth was the worst Lane ever.
ED: Did you know I beat her by a mile on the FHM list!
AoT: Are you sure that was a good idea, Kristin?
ED: Proving I am the sexiest Lane ever! [Jumps up and down and claps]
AM: Whatever.
ED: AskMen.com doesn't know it's ass from a hole in the ground!
KK: Stop it. You're embarrassing yourself.
ED: I am not.
KK: OK. You're embarrassing me.
ED: Just because you couldn't crack the top forty...
KK: Erica...
ED: "Gigantic ass", my ass! I showed Bryan!
KK: I said stop it. Besides, your ass is gigantic compared to Bosworth's.
MR: Anybody's ass is gigantic compared to Bosworth's.
AM: He's right. Even Micheal's.
MR: "Even Michael's"?!?!?! What's that supposed to mean?!?!
AM: What do you think it means?
MR: I have a great ass!
AM: That's not what it means.
MR: I'll show you!
TW: Please tell me you're not going to do your Ace Ventura impression.
MR: What? I thought you loved it?
TW: Not so much.
MR: How about this? [Starts dancing as he sings Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby got back"] I like big butts and I will not lie
TW: Somebody please stop him.
JG: No. [Intrigued] This could be good stuff to torture Bryan with.
MR: You other brothers can't deny
JG: [To KK] Is Bryan getting this? Is he seeing this right now?
MR: That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
KK: No.
JG: Oh.
MR: And a round thing in your face
JG: In that case stop your disgusting display this instant, Rosenbaum!
AoT: Don't you think Bryan is going to retaliate?
AM: I say bring it on! What could be worse than being reduced to drinking spiced rum and eating cheese doodles?
ED: Is it captain Morgan's? 'Cuz I love me some Captain Morgan's.
MR: And are the doodles crunchy or puffed?
AM: Hell if I know.
MR & ED: Can we check?
[AM hands ED her trailer key. MR and ED run off.]
TW: You think he drugged the rum?
AM: I wouldn't know. I can't drink that stuff!
KK: And the cheese doodles?
AM: Maybe. But I think most of the bags were still sealed.
KK: That's too bad.

Next

Producer Wars, Part III: Revenge

as retold by Ratman

[BS, wearing a white suit, sits on a chair in an empty room. CL1 enters with an electric shaver.]

BS: Do it.

[CL1 turns on the shaver, and approaches BS. Mozart's Requiem starts playing.]

[Cut to KK casually walking back to her trailer.]

[Cut to AoT sitting at a table, busily writing musical notes on a sheet of music paper.]

[Cut to MR walking into his trailer, smiling broadly, with a new Wii game in his hand.]

[Cut to ED coming out of her bathroom in a robe with a towel over her head.]

[Cut to AM sitting on a sofa knitting and munching pork rinds.]

[Cut to JG in a robe, walking into his bathroom.]

[Cut to TM signing an autograph on the CW lot, then looks up in surprise at something in the distance.]

[Cut back to BS and CL1, as CL1 starts completely shaving BS's head.]

[Cut to KK walking up to her trailer, with her hand on the knob.]

[Cut to AoT standing up and walking over to a guitar case.]

[Cut to MR putting the new Wii game CD into the player, and sitting on his couch with the Wii remote.]

[Cut to ED in her robe slowly walking over to a dresser, and opening it up.]

[Cut to AM putting down the pork rinds, pouring herself a shot of tequila, and drinking it.]

[Cut to JG hopping into the shower, turning it on, and stepping in.]

[Cut to TM running in slow motion toward his trailer.]

[Cut back to BS and CL1, as CL1 is now half-done shaving BS's head.]

[Cut to KK walking into her trailer, looking up in horror, and falling backward in a faint.]

[Cut to AoT opening her guitar case and looking into it, in shock.]

[Cut to MR playing his Wii, as it suddenly starts emitting smoke.]

[Cut to ED in her robe, screaming as she runs to her closet, opens the door, and reaches in.]

[Cut to AM's face souring as she stares in shock at the bottle, grabs it, and starts choking.]

[Cut to JG reaching for his shower caddy for the shampoo, but finding it empty.]

[Cut to TM still running in slow motion to his trailer, dodging various carts and crew.]

[Cut back to BS and CL1, as CL1 is now mostly done shaving BS's head, except the back.]

[Cut to KK slumped on the floor, revealing a giant poster of a naked Al and MIles with "We Love Lana" painted on their chests.]

[Cut to AoT sobbing as she lifts her guitar out of its case, all of the strings snapped.]

[Cut to MR racing out of his trailer, as a Wii console explodes out of a window.]

[Cut to ED desperately pulling dress after dress out of her closet, all maternity wear.]

[Cut to AM collapsing on the floor, then focusing on the bottle of liquor as the label peels off, revealing "Captain Morgan" underneath.]

[Cut to JG in his bathroom in a robe, dripping wet, desperately searching the medicine chest and under the sink for shampoo, finding none.]

[Cut to TM stopping in front of his trailer, the Superman symbol burning on its side, with a dozen mannequins wearing the Superman suit sitting in front.]

[Cut back to BS and CL1, with BS's head now completely shaved bald.]

BS: Thank you.

Next

Producer Wars, Part II: The rise of Lex Singer

as retold by Ratman

[CL1 and CL2 walking down a basement corridor in the CW lot.]

CL1: Singer signed over complete creative control to the cast?
CL2: Exactly, and apparently he's quite depressed over the whole thing. All we have to do is get him to resign and void his contract, and then we can hire the replacement guy.
CL1: Sounds easy enough. [Coming to a door] They said he would be in here...

[CL1 and CL2 open the door, and find Bryan Singer lying on the floor, bruised, bloodied and battered, surrounded by Twinkie wrappers.]

CL1: Oh my word.
CL2: Holy fuck.
BS: [sobbing] It's all over! They destroyed it all!
CL1: [helping BS to his feet] There, there, sir, it'll be okay. Did they hurt you, sir? Let's get you out of here.
BS: I don't care any more. They can do what they want to my body, it doesn't matter. I'm so weak, they filled my pockets with Kryptonite.
CL1: [reaching into BS's pocket, finding a sealed plastic cup] Lime Jello?
[CL1 and CL2 help BS out of the room and down the hallway.]
BS: My vision, it's been destroyed. Did you know I made a Superman movie? Now Superman will never know his son.
CL2: You know, Mr. Singer, you can leave all of this behind now, you just need to void your contract with -
BS: [sobbing loudly, burying his head in CL1's shoulder] There's no hope. The world doesn't need Bryan Singer!
CL2: Mr. Singer, Otis and I here can help you -
BS: [suddenly lifting his head] Wait - your name is Otis?
CL1: Yes, sir.
BS: That must mean that you're Miss Teschmacher!
CL2: Actually, my name is -
BS: [standing straight] And that must mean that I'm Lex Luthor!
CL2: Um....
[CL1 and CL2 look at each other in confusion.]
BS: It all makes sense now! I hate Tom Welling! And Tom Welling is Superman! Which means I must hate Superman! Which means I'm Lex Luthor!
CL1: Sir, I'm not sure -
BS: Of course! I filmed my movie in Australia! Which must mean I'm ruler of Australia! Because I'm Lex Luthor! I'm the greatest criminal mind of our time!
CL2: So, about that contract -
BS: [angry] Tom must think he's some kind of god - well, gods are selfish beings who refuse to fly around in little red capes and share their presence with mankind!
CL2: [whispering to CL1] What the hell is he talking about?
[CL1 shrugs.]
BS: [racing down the hallway, CL1 and CL2 following behind] Come now! It's time to plan revenge. REVENGE! Now we're cooking!

Next

Didn't we get rid of Singer?

as retold by RepairmanBob

JG: Didn't we get rid of Singer?
KK: He signed over creative control of the show. He should have checked the fine print.
AM: I did that! It's another reason Chloe should be back at the Daily Planet!
JG: Yes, fine, but can Singer do anything now?
ED: You mean besides eat twinkies and cry?
JG: The man certainly has let himself go.
AoT: Pardon me, but I think I will punch Bryan for awhile while security holds him.
ED: I'll join you. Call me pregnant will you? I'm TV Guide's sexiest sci fi gal for 2008!
AoT: The votes are still being counted, dear.
AM: But Chloe -
JG: You know, kicking Bryan does sound like a good time. Tom? Michael?
MR: I still don't know why you guys think Bryan was so bad -
AoT: (low growl)
MR: I mean, yes! Let's go get that dirty bastard! He said mean things about Annette!
ED: He said I have a gigantic ass!
MR: Whatever.
AM: But, but -
KK: Face it, no one cares about Chloe. Do you really think the network would try to get another producer, Tom?
TW: As long as John and Annette don't actually kill Bryan, we should be fine.
(TW, AM and KK exchange a long look.)
TW: Ah crap.
AM: I'll get the tranq guns.
KK: So help me, if those two morons get Lana resurrected I will be pissed!

Next

Producer Wars (A less interesting sequel to the Brownie Wars)

as retold by Ratman

[Dawn Ostroff's office. Dawn is raptly watching a huge flat panel TV in her office. Two corporate lackeys enter.]

Corporate Lackey #1: Ma'am?
Corporate Lackey #2: Are you free to speak now?
DO: [pointing at the screen, cackling] Ha ha ha ha! Bye bye, Cally! Eat vaccuum, you fracking bitch!
CL2: Um, maybe we should come back...
DO: [Turning off the TV] No, that's okay, I just love rewatching that scene. What's up?
CL1: Ma'am, it's about Smallville.
DO: [sigh] Now what?
CL2: It's the cast, Ms. Ostroff, they - they had the producer ejected from the lot.
DO: Can they do that? Is that another one of their crazy contract riders?
CL1: No, ma'am. Apparently they just bribed the security guards to drag him off. He's technically still under contract -
DO: Whatever, just find some new producers or something. How about those two creepy guys who started the show?
CL2: Al and Miles refuse to return unless they get exclusive character rights to Lana Lang.
DO: Maybe not. How about those Star Wars guys?
CL1: That's Star Trek, ma'am.
CL2: Berman and Braga's lawsuit for unfair termination, emotional damages, and medical costs for tranquilizer withdrawal is still pending.
DO: Crap. You know, I figured Singer would be a problem, with his big movie roots. Can we get some other person who's done Superman stuff for TV?
CL1: Actually, ma'am, there is someone who worked on the last Superman TV show, and produced a show on the WB before the merger -
DO: Okay, sounds good, hire whomever it is and get them to to put more WB label bands on the show or something, the boys and girls upstairs want more product placement.
CL2: The problem is, Singer is still -
DO: [annoyed] Just make it happen, or you're the next two to be ejected from the lot. Or better yet - I'll have you transferred to TBS.
CL1: [pulling CL2 out the door with him] Yes, ma'am, right away, ma'am.
DO: [turning the TV back on] Okay, now back to the Baltar sex scene....

[Hours later, in the CL basement office]
CL2: [as CL1 enters] So, what did he say?
CL1: He's interested, but went off on some tangent about getting a third hot female cousin, and something about magic -
CL2: Whatever, he's unemployed, and the lesser of our problems. Singer's still on contract, and we can't break it unless he quits.
CL1: There's no way he'll just give in. He's obsessed about Superman, and this may be his only chance to see his vision through.
CL2: [thinking for a minute] Unless we get him to quit.
CL1: How do we do that?
CL2: The cast. They got rid of two sets of producers already. We get the right cast members on our side, and with the right resources, we force Singer out.
CL1: But...but...they're scary.
CL2: [holding CL1 gently] It's okay. We'll make it work. Trust me.

[They kiss.]

Next

I don't want to put on the blue tights!

as retold by jwm

[Bryan Singer (BS) sits across from AM, KK, AoT, MR, & ED in the writer's room. A newsprint pad sits behind BS with the words "Concessions to get Clark in the super suit" written on it.]
AM: So do you get it now?
BS: I think I do! It's like Folger's Crystals!
ED: It is?
BS: Absolutely! [Imitates Folger's commercial] We are here at Smallville, where we've secretly replaced the fine female reporter and love interest they usually have with Chloe Sullivan! Let's see if anyone can tell the difference!"
AM: No. Not exactly.
ED: Oh, I get it! So Chloe Sullivan is like instant coffee while is the slow brewed variety! That's perfect!
AM: No, it's not!
MR: Erica, all that means is that slow brewed isn't any better than the instant Chloe dreck.
ED: Come on, Michael, you think they actually interview anyone who knows a damn about coffee in those commercials?
AM: That's not how it is anyway!
ED: The only people they show on those commercials are the ones too stupid the know the difference.
MR: More like they couldn't tell the difference because the coffee sucked to begin with.
JG: And considering how bad our show is a pretty good analogy. Kudos, Bryan.
AM: It is not!
[TW walks in]
TW: Hey, what's this big legal thing...?
[TW stops when he sees BS]
TW: What the hell?
BS: Ah, the man of the hour!
AM: [Devious smile] Come on in, Tom.
[TW spots the newsprint pad]
TW: Oh, hell no!
[BS starts singing to the tune of "Roxanne" by the Police]
BS: To-om!
TW: [To the cast] What the hell have you done?
BS: You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: Like hell! No flights. No tights! It's in my contract!
BS: Those days are over. You're gonna wear that cape tonight!
TW: [To AM] Are you behind this?

BS: To-om! You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: Not for love or money. Can't you see? This isn't right!
BS: To-om! You're gonna put on the blue tights!
TW: The hell I will!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint to reveal next sheet. "Chloe: Back to working at the Planet."]
AM: You have to put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lana: Stays dead."]
KK: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. ": Not pregnant."]
ED: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Martha: Lots and lots of more screen time."]
AoT: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lionel: Dies."]
JG: Put on the blue tights!
BS: To-om! [Pulls back newsprint revealing. "Lex: Grows hair."]
MR: Put on the blue tights!
TW: Et tu, Michael?
MR: It's the hair, Tom! The Hair!

BS: [Walks over and puts his arm around TW] I loved you since I knew you. I wouldn't talk down to you. I have to tell you just how I feel.
[TW pulls out a pocketful of change and throws it across the room. AM smirks as she hold an empty bottle of Ritalin.]
BS: You can't derail me with that simple ploy. I know my mind is made up. So pick all your change up. Told you once I won't tell you again. We do it my way.

TW: Bry-an! I don't want to put on the blue tights!

[The cast circles around TW]
Cast: Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights! Put on the blue tights!
[TW runs out of the writers room screaming]
TW: Noooooooooooooo!

BS: Wow. He didn't take that too well. And you all said he'd be totally down with it.
ED: He seems pretty down to me.
BS: Well. Why don't we get started sketching out the rest of the season!
AM: Yeah, about that, we've got security coming to escort you out of the building.
BS: What? But what about everything we agreed on for all your characters?
AoT: We were going to do all that anyway.
JG: Yes!
MR: Except for the Lionel one.
JG: Dammit!
KK: And probably the Chloe one.
AM: Dammit!
MR: So Lex gets to grow hair after all?!?!
KK: No. We're not doing that one either.
MR: Dammit!
[Security arrives]
Officer: Yes, 'mam?
AM: On second thought...
MR: Yeah, I'm with Allison.
KK: Oh, no! Don't even think about it!
AM: But Chloe has to get back to the Planet!
JG: Lionel would be dead...
KK: Yes, but you'd have to put up with Bryan the rest of the season.
BS: I'm not that bad, am I? We're buddies, right?
JG: Escort the gentleman out of the building.
[They begin dragging BS away]
BS: No! This isn't fair! You can't do this! I made my own Superman movie!!!!!!
ED: So, when are we going to tell Tom?
AM: Chloe has to get back to the Planet!
KK: Try it and you're dead.
ED: Are you going to let Tom off the hook? You're the one who asked us to do all this in the first place.
AM: Alright, I'm texting him right now. [AM's phone shows "April Fool's doesn't seem so funny anymore, does it?" She hits send. A few seconds later TW can be heard yelling from down the hall.]
MR: You did make it clear it was just a joke, right?

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