Heart of Dorkiness (Part II)

as retold by RepairmanBob

(BS is talking to his life size cardboard standout of CR Superman) Superman, you are so brave and strong. I bet you could kick Batman’s ass!
AM: (walks in) Whoa.
BS: I always say the same thing when I look at him! He is so heroic!
AM: Yes, Chris was a very brave man.
BS: Who?
AM Chris Reeves?
BS: Oh, yeah. I was talking about Superman.
AM: (Looks mildly disturbed.) Yeah. Listen, Bryan, I need to talk to you.
BS: Great! I want to hear all about your ideas! Your role on Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Is essential to Clark’s development! I have some major plans for you! Big arc! Helping bring down LuthorCorp! Major guest stars brought in for cameos with you!
AM: That is terrific! Al and Miles never had any plans for Chloe! It will be wonderful to work with such a creative leader for a change.
BS: I am glad you feel that way! I just have one question.
AM: Sure!
BS: Who is Chloe?
AM: (Puts head down) Oh, for fuck’s sake.
BS: Wait, this has happened before. Are you Chloe?
AM: Goddamnit! Chloe Sullivan has been Clark’s best friend for six fucking years! I am the only one on this show who can do exposition! I have more screen time than Michael! How can you not know who I am playing?
BS: I thought you were Lois Lane!
AM: Come again?
BS: Dawn said you played a tough, smart young reporter who was Clark’s best friend and a possible love interest! If it was not that girl with the shiny hair -
AM: (Grinding teeth) Kristin.
BS: Then it had to be you! That sounds just like Lois!
AM: Well you do have a point. Have you every heard of the Chlois theory?
BS: Chlois?
AM: It is the theory that Chloe Sullivan actually grows up to be Lois Lane.
BS: Then why is she named Chloe Sullivan?
AM: Because when the show started, Al and Miles did not have permission to use Lois Lane. They created Chloe to fill the Lois role.
BS: (Frowns) But there is no Chloe in the Superman movies. If Chloe was Lois, why was she named Lois in the Superman movies? hey did you know I made my own Superman movie?
AM: Yes, I know that. (Takes a deep breath) Bryan, you had permission to use Lois Lane. Al and Miles did not.
BS: But if Lois was Chloe, why would she call herself Chloe? That is silly! Lois is Lois!
AM: (Looking frustrated.) Never mind, I will explain later. For now, I need to talk to you about some of the deaths in Consequences.
BS: Deaths bring ratings! And I love ratings! And Superman! And my X-Box! And studies of comparative religious themes in 20th century cinema! And hair gel!
AM: Kristin and John went too far. They turned Chloe into a killer!
BS: Wait a minute. Who was Chloe again?
AM: (Grabs BS by the shirt and shakes him) Pay attention!
BS: Wow, when you shake me the Superman disco ball I installed looks all shiny! I like things that are shiny! Did you know one of the women who works on Young Superman -
AM: Smallville.
BS: Has shiny hair?
AM: (Releases BS) In Consequences. Chloe accidentally kills her mom. We need to change that.
BS: No can do. I was brought in to bring Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Back to basics. Get it back to the core characters, and the stories everyone knows and loves. Why would anyone care about the mom of a character they have never heard of?
AM: If they have been watching Smallville, they know who Chloe is!
BS: I love Superman, and I have never heard of her!
AM: We just talked about this! Clark’s best friend! Reporter! Blond! Snarky!
BS: Are you sure you don’t play Lois? Dawn said Lois had great breasts.
AM: What?
BS: Or that might have been a casting note for the cross-over with Pussycat Dolls. Or maybe I was going or order a chicken breast sandwich for lunch.
AM: (Mutters to self) Best behavior with the new show runner. (Talks to BS) OK, we also need to bring back Lana Lang.
BS: Lana, Lana… nope, don’t know her either.
AM: Kristin plays her? Love interest, shiny hair?
BS: Oh, her! Nice girl.
AM: Lana?
BS: No Kristin. Lana was not in the movies, and I need to cut the cast to have more money for special effects. And pie. I love pie! Yay pie!
AM: Kristin gets the same salary if she acts or not! We all do!
BS: Wow! Your agents suck!
AM: Tell me about it.
BS: I want to focus on making Clark more heroic. Lana gets in the way of that.
AM: Can’t say I disagree.
BS: Yeah, Kristin explained what a huge obstacle Lana was to Clark’s development. Lana had to go if we want Clark to grow up and be more like Superman. Did you know I made a Superman movie? It was cool!
AM: Fine, fine. What about Jimmy?
BS: What about him?
AM: John killed him off, and I –
BS: No! We need Jimmy! Jimmy is in the movies! If Jimmy dies, then Jimmy cannot be in the movies! And we know Jimmy is already in the movies, so he cannot die! We need to fix that right away!
AM: Finally, something we can agree on. Now, about his relationship with Chloe –
BS: Who?
AM: (Mutters) Do not kill Singer. Do not kill Singer. (Speaks louder.) You know what Bryan? Let's get together later. Thanks for seeing me. (Walks out)
BS: Bye! That young lady was nice. Reminds me of Halley Berry. I like berries. I think I will have strawberry ice cream! (Yells out door) Someone bring me some strawberry ice cream!
AM: (Walking out of the office, talking to herself) Stupid Singer. Stupid old Superman movies. Kristin fucking Bell got a job on Heroes after running the ratings into the ground for three years and I can't even get in a CW commerical! I have been busting my ass for six years, and all that hyper-active twit cares about is 30 year old movie! The only way I could keep his attention would be if... (AM stops, smiles.) Hehehe. Oh my.

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