Trouble Calls

as retold by Ratman

[AG and MM's office. AG and MM are throwing pencils up into the ceiling. The phone rings. AG and MM both dive for the phone, tumbling over each other, AG gets there first, and hits the speakerphone button.]

AG: Hello, Gough and Millar, executive producers of the CW hit show, Smallville, how can I help you?
Ronald D Moore: Hello Al, Miles. How's it going?
AG: [nervous] Oh, hi Ron.
RDM: I missed you guys at the last Director's Guild picnic.
AG: Oh, yeah, well, we were, um, we were....

[AG looks nervously over at MM, who shrugs his shoulders.]

AG: [whispering under his breath] Help me out, here!
MM: [whispering back] I dunno, just make something up!
AG: [aloud] We were, you know, with Lana and the Kryptofreak stalker and the barn scene and all that, you know.

[AG smiles and shoots a thumbs-up to MM. MM rolls his eyes.]

MM: What can we do for you, Ron?
RDM: Well, you see, there's a matter that's been brought to my attention regarding the scripts for your upcoming season.
AG: Oh really?
RDM: Yes, it appears that the two of you are following in your predecessor's footsteps and are requiring me to take legal action against your show again.
AG: Oh, great, what did those fools rip off this time?
RDM: Oh, just the little bit about the main antagonist of the show being goaded on by hallucinations of a sexy blond woman in red, that's all. Sounds awfully familiar, don't you think?
MM: Ron, we don't write the scripts for the show -
RDM: [upset] Don't give me that crap, Miles. You guys are the producers, you're responsible for what happens. Why don't you just fire your writers?
MM: We did already.
RDM: So who wrote this stuff?
AG: The cast.
RDM: Holy crap, are you guys going down that well again? Damn, you two must be desperate.
AG: Tell me about it.
RDM: Anyway, the way I see it, I'll just have to sue your assess so hard that Dawn will have to fire you guys, too. Unless....
MM: [sighs] What do you want, Ron?
RDM: You give me one of your actresses for my show.
AG and MM: [in panicked unison] NOT LANA!
RDM: Who?
AG: We will not give you Lana.
MM: No way, no how, there's no way -
RDM: Which one is Lana? I don't remember her name on the cast list -
AG: She's the beautiful one.
MM: Preternaturally beautiful.
AG: She will be loved.
RDM: Well, tough shit guys, it's the good-looking blonde that I want.
AG: There is no way - wait, did you say blonde?
RDM: Yeah, spunky, hot, great with expositionary dialogue, subtle underlying hard edge. She'll make a perfect Cylon.
AG: [relieved] Oh, you mean Allison.
RDM: Which other actress would I mean? The tall brunette who can't act, or the short brunette who can't act? And as much as I love Annette, we already have our kick-ass matriarchal figure.
MM: [in shock] You spoke poorly of Lana.
AG: He's just jealous of her beauty.
RDM: Whatever. Get the blonde's contract signed over to my network, or I'll sic legal on you, big time. Take care.

[RDM hangs up.]

AG: Crap.
MM: Crap.
AG: Allison's gonna kill us. Literally.
MM: What are we going to do?

[AG and MM stand, deep in thought.]

AG: I got it!
MM: What?
AG: Let's watch Clana fanvids!
MM: Great idea!

[AG pulls open a drawer, and pulls out a DVD with the title "Clana ForEvah disc 14" and pops it into the DVD player. AG and MM settle down into their sofa together.]

AG and MM: Lannaaaaaa....

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