Changes

[BS enters the writers' room with an assistant who pushes along a food services cart. BS closes the door and locks it.]

AoT: This doesn't bode well.
BS: I'm sure you wonder why I'm here.
TW: Actually...
BS: Since Ms. Kreuk willfully ignored my directives...
KK: What are you talking about?
BS: [Holds up the script for Masquerade] I found your so called "script"!
KK: OK. Who showed him!?!?
BS: It was in Michael's...
KK + TW + ED + AoT + JG: Michael!?!?!?!
BS: Kristin, you deliberately defied me.
KK: You bet I did! Your directives where crap!
BS: I thought we had an understanding.
KK: Here's our new understanding. You can bite me.
BS: I can bite you? [To the cast] Is that how everybody here feels?
KK: Absolutely! [Turning to the cast] Right guys?
[The rest of the cast avoid eye contact and is silent.]
KK: Right?
[ED nudges TW]
ED: Go on, Tom.
TW: [Under his breath] Stop it!
ED: You're the only one whose ass he can't kick! Speak up! It's now or never!
BS: Erica, do you have something to say?
ED: [Startled] Uh. No, sir.
BS: [Advancing] I could swear I heard you talking. Was it about me?
ED: I... just... had a craving for pickles and ice cream?
[KK shoots ED an evil stare. ED shrugs then kicks TW in the shin]
TW: Ow!
BS: Tom?
TW: I.. uh.. [building up his courage] I think it's well past time for you to leave, Bryan.
BS: That's how you feel, huh?
[The cast is silent]
BS: All of you?
[The cast all exchange glaces. One by one they all nod.]
BS: Now I see what has to be done.
MR: So you'll leave?
BS: Not exactly.
KK: Then what "exactly" are you going to do?
BS: I'm going to stop letting you cretins walk all over me. From here on out it's no more Mr. Nice guy.
ED: Since when have you been Mr. Nice Guy?
BS: The last time we spoke I warned Kristin that if she didn't follow my outline the consequences would be disastrous.
KK: But with Lana dead you can't do anything to me! Ha!
BS: And I have reason to believe a number of you encouraged Kristin's defiance.
JG: Not me! I wasn't even in her script!!!
MR: Stop it, John. Nobody likes a kiss ass.
[The cast collectively looks at MR incredulously]
BS: Rumor has it a number of you have an aversion to my friend Bowie... [Inserts a CD into a radio and hits play. Bowie's "Changes" begins]

BS: Oh yeah
TW: Oh. my. God.

BS: Still don't know what I was waiting for
[BS points at the cast]
BS: while the cast was running wild
[Whips out a super-suit]
BS: A million crazy antics and every time I thought I'd got it made
[Puts the suit down on the table]
BS: My sweet victory turned defeat
[Stares at TW]
BS: But since only Welling dared face me I finally caught a glimpse
[Smiles evilly at the rest of the cast]
BS: Of how to make the others crumble. So I'll put it to the test
[BS jumps on top of the table and starts dancing]
BS: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
[Points at TW]
BS: Tom, you're out the door.
TW: I'm fired?
BS: Ch-ch-changes
TW: You can't fire me!
BS: [To is assistant] Get my man Brannon on the line!
[Points at KK]
BS: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! Lana's alive again!
[KK goes wide eyed]
KK: The hell she is!
BS: Ch-ch-changes!
KK: That was never part of your plan!
BS: [Aside to KK]I know. But you pissed me off.
BS: Do what the hell we pay you for!
[KK lunges for BS but he easily kicks her away]
BS: The cast may hate me but I just don't care!

[BS turns his attention to ED]
BS: I wanna watch her belly change in size!
ED: [Overturning the food cart] I think I'm gonna scream!
BS: There will be no impertinence!
[BS snaps his fingers and the assistant sits ED back down before pulling out a serving of pickles and ice cream]
ED: Ew.
BS: All these days have passed before my eyes but your belly still seems the same.
[Turning his attention to KK BS holds up the outline he gave her for Masquerade]
BS: And this outline that you spit on as you tried to change my words is immune to your consultations!
[BS slams the outline down in front of her]
BS: You hated Lana before, wait till I'm through!

BS: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes [To his assistant] Give Durance her meal!
[The assistant places a set of rack ribs in front of ED]
BS: [To ED] Ch-ch-changes!
ED: What the hell?
BS: Don't stop eating till you finish it!
BS: [To AoT] Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
AoT: Oh, god.
BS: Annette get used to gray.
AoT: [Holding her hair.] No!
BS: Ch-ch-changes!
AoT: Not my hair! My beautiful hair!
BS: Ms. Soon to be a grandma!
TW: You can't do this! [Pulls out his water pistol]
BS: [Putting on a pair of goggles] You all better just get used to it. You may hate me But I just don't care.

JG: Strange fascination, fascinating me
JG: The changes he's making... I'm safe. I'm getting through! [Gets up to leave]

BS: [Grabbing JG by the arm] Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
JG: Crap.
BS: John, you have to stay!
JG: Whatever you do...
BS: Ch-ch-changes!
JG: Don't make Lionel...
BS: You're gonna play a doting Grandpa!
JG + ED + TW: What!?!?
BS: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!
[JG, ED, TW, and AoT all lunge at BS but his round house kick dispatches them all]
BS: Come and feel the pain. Ch-ch-changes.
[BS jumps back off the table]
BS: Realized I needed to be just a little bolder!
[TW rushes BS but BS steals his water pistol and shoots TW in the face with it]
BS: You may hate me but I just don't care.
[ED rushes BS. BS grabs a handful of cheese cake and stuffs it in her face.]
BS: I said You all may hate me but I just don't care.
[AoT rushes BS with a chair. BS ducks and it smashes over JG's head. BS catches AoT as she tries to jump him and throws her back onto the table causing it to collapse. The music ends. BS brushes his hands off and calmly heads for the door.]

KK: Lana's alive!?!? [At the top of her lungs] You can't do this to me, Bryan!
BS: Nobody messes with Bryan Singer, Kristin. Even you! [Heads to the door and turns before leaving] Oh, yeah. I'm canning your script, Kristin. Erica, yours is up next. If you don't follow my outline to the letter I'll make this little altercation look like a tea party.
ED: So I'm pregnant, Tom is fired, Lana's alive and Lionel and Martha are grandparents. What about Lex?
MR: Erica, let's leave me out of it!
ED: What horrible thing are you going to do to him?
MR: Erica....
JG: Surely you have something up your sleeve for Rosenbaum too!
BS: As a matter of fact I do.
MR: Thanks a lot, Erica!
BS: Nothing to worry about, Michael, I like you.
MR: [Noticing the irritated looks of the rest of the cast] Oh, no, no... no. Don't...
BS: In fact...
MR: No... I don't want...
BS: Go ahead and start growing in your hair out.
MR: [Unable to contain his elation] Really?!? [Notices a crazed looking ED picking up the knife from her overturned rack of ribs] I... I couldn't.
BS: That wasn't a suggestion, Michael. It was an order. Drop the knife, Durance.
ED: Yes sir. [Drops the knife]
[BS's assistant retrieves the knife. BS and the assistant exit]

MR: Heh. That was.... [notices the rest the cast slowly surrounding him] ...horrific?
[The cast jumps MR.]
MR: Heeeeeeeeelp!!!!!!!

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