[BS in his office re-arranging his Superman display.]
BS: That Annette is a nice lady... and lucky too! She got to play Superman's former love interest and mother.
[pause]
BS: That's kind of creepy when I think about it.
[JG bursts in waving his dart gun]
JG: Singer!
BS: Whoa! Hey, John, what's up? [Holds up a Superman and a Zod doll.] Want to play?
JG: No, I don't want to play!
BS: [Sad] Oh.
JG: It's Allison's changes to the script! I'm not letting them happen!
BS: It's true what Michael said about you. You do get kind of wild and scary!
JG: You're changing it back!
BS: Jimmy has to be alive! He's in the movies. How can Jimmy be in the movies if he dies in the Young Superman show?
[JG aims the gun]
JG: I don't give a damn. You're changing it.
BS: You are scary! You remind me of Zod! [Kneels] Did you know Zod was in the second Superman movie? I feel like I'm kneeling before Zod!
JG: I don't give a damn what movie Zod was in! Jimmy stays dead! You hear me?
BS: Of course, I hear you! I'm kneeling before you, just like Superman did when he lost his powers. I surrender to you, oh great and mighty Zod. [bows his head]
JG: Damn straight! But call me magnificent bastard.
BS: I surrender to you, oh great and mighty magnificenent bastard.
JG: Heh. Now that's more like it! And to think I was worried what a change in management might be like.
BS: Now I'm supposed to take your hand.
JG: What?
BS: Like in the movie. It's a sign of submission.
JG: Heh. I like you, Singer. [Extends his hand.] As long as we understand who's boss.
BS: Of course. [Takes JG's hand and starts squeezing]
JG: Aaaaiiiieeee! [BS stands as his iron grip forces JG to his knees. JG tries to aim the dart gun but ends up dropping it.]
BS: Wow! It's almost as exhilarating in real life as in the movie!
JG: Let go of my hand you damn maniac!
BS: [Lets go and picks up the dart gun and makes the Superman hands on hips pose.] Let that be a lesson to you that as long as Superman is around evil will never triumph over good!
JG: [Nursing his hand as he stands] Where did you get that grip?
BS: I love Superman! I want to be just like him!
JG: That doesn't explain...
BS: So I do lots of weight lifting.
JG: [Shaking his hand to get the blood flowing again] I see.
BS: Sorry, John. You gave it a good shot but Jimmy stays alive.
JG: That's not my problem. My problem is Lionel needs to have a competent minion!
BS: Why?
JG: [Flabbergasted] Why? What do you mean why?
BS: In the movies...
JG: I don't care about the movies!
BS: Lex always has incompetent minions. Take Otis!
JG: I don't want Otis!
BS: I love Otis. He is funny!
JG: This isn't the movies!
BS: I want this show just like the movies. Because I love Superman. [Looks down] Oh! And shinny pennies! [Bends down to get the penny]
JG: Fuck the movies!
BS: [Stands without getting the penny. His jaw tightens] What?
JG: Lionel needs a competent...
[BS shoots JG with the dart gun. JG grabs his neck]
JG: ...minion.
[JG collapses to the ground]
BS: I don't care who you are, you do not utter such sacrilege against Donner and his movies. [Yelling out the office.] Where's my pie!?!? Did I mention I wanted it a la mode?!?!? Superman flavor! [pause] And send someone to show Mr. Glover back to his trailer!
Next
Heart of Dorkiness (Part IV)
as retold by RepairmanBob & jwm
[BS is watching Superman the Motion Picture on a 114” high definition television. He is mouthing all the lines.]
AoT: Hello, Bryan. I was hoping we could have a – oh, my.
BS: [Runs over, shakes AoT’s hand] Annette! Great to met you! I am so happy we finally get to talk! Is it true you meet Chris Reeves?
AoT: Well, not to brag, but Chris and I worked together. He was a wonderful man.
BS: Did you know he played Superman!?!? What a terrific man! What did you work on with him?
AoT: [Looks shocked] Superman 3.
BS: Superman 3?
AoT: Evil Superman, Richard Pryor, super computer.
BS: Never heard of it. Did Richard Donner make it?
AoT: Sadly, no.
BS: Oh, well. It is still great you met Chris Reeves! Hey, do you want to watch Superman with me?
AoT: Maybe later. I wanted to talk to you about Martha.
BS: Great! I am so happy to talk about Martha! She has a central role to Clark’s development!
AoT: I completely agree.
BS: The role of the mother on Clark, the ultimate orphan, is central to what makes him Superman! It is a vital role!
AoT: I am overjoyed you feel that way. Now, this season –
BS: Clark’s mom, on the farm! Making pie and keeping the stove warm!
AoT: I am sorry, what?
BS: Representing Middle American values! The mom at home! The Virgin Mary figure, waiting for her son!
AoT: I wouldn't call Martha a virgin by any means.
BS: I had Martha waiting for Clark in my movie! She waited for her son to come back to earth! It was just like the Bible!
AoT: I am not sure if I should be amused or offended by that statement.
BS: So, I think Martha will be great! How do you feel about making pies? Love pies! [Yells out the door] I want a cherry pie! And some ice cream! [to AoT] I hear Clark on Smallville loves pie too! Isn't it great that I have something like that in common with Superman?
AoT: [Cracks knuckles] Bryan, I think we have some different ideas about Martha’s character.
BS: [Frowns] But in the Superman movies –
AoT: I have an idea, Bryan, How about we spar for it? I can show you some of the ideas I have for Martha, and we can see if that helps… motivate you to change your mind.
BS: Well, I am not sure. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hurt you. When people get hurt, they go to the hospital, and it is sad. Did you know I make a TV show about a hospital? House! On Fox!
AoT: [Slight smile] Oh, I am sure you can hold back on little old me.
BS: OK. I'll only do the classic Superman moves.
[AoT and BS circle each other. AoT throws a few strikes, which BS dodges.]
BS: Wow! You are fast! I bet you have had some training!
AoT: You have no idea.
[AoT tries to grab BS. He ducks, then lifts her over his head.]
BS: I call this move "Action comics #1"! [BS throws AoT to the floor.]
AoT: [Struggles to her feet.]
BS: [BS Picks AoT up] Remember when Superman caught the daily planet? [He drops her] That move is called dropping the planet!
AoT: Ow!
BS: Sorry. Are you OK? I didn't even get to show you the little number Superman did to those missiles in the movie!
AoT: [In a daze, waves BS off] I think… I think… we have sparred enough for today.
BS: Are you sue? I love re-enacting Superman movies! It is so much fun! I didn't get to disable the mi
AoT: [Staggers out, holding her head] How nice for you.
BS: Except when I have to be Lex. I hate being Lex.
AoT: Maybe you can be Lex this time?
BS: Heh. No way. I hate being Lex. I'll only play if I'm Superman!
AoT: Great.
BS: Thanks for coming by, Annette! [Yells out door] Where is my pie? Get me some pie! And candy bars!
Next
[BS is watching Superman the Motion Picture on a 114” high definition television. He is mouthing all the lines.]
AoT: Hello, Bryan. I was hoping we could have a – oh, my.
BS: [Runs over, shakes AoT’s hand] Annette! Great to met you! I am so happy we finally get to talk! Is it true you meet Chris Reeves?
AoT: Well, not to brag, but Chris and I worked together. He was a wonderful man.
BS: Did you know he played Superman!?!? What a terrific man! What did you work on with him?
AoT: [Looks shocked] Superman 3.
BS: Superman 3?
AoT: Evil Superman, Richard Pryor, super computer.
BS: Never heard of it. Did Richard Donner make it?
AoT: Sadly, no.
BS: Oh, well. It is still great you met Chris Reeves! Hey, do you want to watch Superman with me?
AoT: Maybe later. I wanted to talk to you about Martha.
BS: Great! I am so happy to talk about Martha! She has a central role to Clark’s development!
AoT: I completely agree.
BS: The role of the mother on Clark, the ultimate orphan, is central to what makes him Superman! It is a vital role!
AoT: I am overjoyed you feel that way. Now, this season –
BS: Clark’s mom, on the farm! Making pie and keeping the stove warm!
AoT: I am sorry, what?
BS: Representing Middle American values! The mom at home! The Virgin Mary figure, waiting for her son!
AoT: I wouldn't call Martha a virgin by any means.
BS: I had Martha waiting for Clark in my movie! She waited for her son to come back to earth! It was just like the Bible!
AoT: I am not sure if I should be amused or offended by that statement.
BS: So, I think Martha will be great! How do you feel about making pies? Love pies! [Yells out the door] I want a cherry pie! And some ice cream! [to AoT] I hear Clark on Smallville loves pie too! Isn't it great that I have something like that in common with Superman?
AoT: [Cracks knuckles] Bryan, I think we have some different ideas about Martha’s character.
BS: [Frowns] But in the Superman movies –
AoT: I have an idea, Bryan, How about we spar for it? I can show you some of the ideas I have for Martha, and we can see if that helps… motivate you to change your mind.
BS: Well, I am not sure. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hurt you. When people get hurt, they go to the hospital, and it is sad. Did you know I make a TV show about a hospital? House! On Fox!
AoT: [Slight smile] Oh, I am sure you can hold back on little old me.
BS: OK. I'll only do the classic Superman moves.
[AoT and BS circle each other. AoT throws a few strikes, which BS dodges.]
BS: Wow! You are fast! I bet you have had some training!
AoT: You have no idea.
[AoT tries to grab BS. He ducks, then lifts her over his head.]
BS: I call this move "Action comics #1"! [BS throws AoT to the floor.]
AoT: [Struggles to her feet.]
BS: [BS Picks AoT up] Remember when Superman caught the daily planet? [He drops her] That move is called dropping the planet!
AoT: Ow!
BS: Sorry. Are you OK? I didn't even get to show you the little number Superman did to those missiles in the movie!
AoT: [In a daze, waves BS off] I think… I think… we have sparred enough for today.
BS: Are you sue? I love re-enacting Superman movies! It is so much fun! I didn't get to disable the mi
AoT: [Staggers out, holding her head] How nice for you.
BS: Except when I have to be Lex. I hate being Lex.
AoT: Maybe you can be Lex this time?
BS: Heh. No way. I hate being Lex. I'll only play if I'm Superman!
AoT: Great.
BS: Thanks for coming by, Annette! [Yells out door] Where is my pie? Get me some pie! And candy bars!
Next
From the CV Department of Gratuitous Violence
[AM walks across the SV campus headed for BS's office. She carries a small stack of papers with her.]
KK: [Approaches] Where are you going?
AM: What do you care?
KK: Thanks to you I care about everything that goes on around here, especially when you're involved. What are you carrying?
AM: Um... Nothing.
KK: Then you won't mind if I look at it.
AM: Drop dead, Kreuk. [AM moves to go by. KK reaches to take her arm and AM runs. KK runs after her]
KK: Not so brave without O'Toole to protect you, huh?
AM: Piss off!
KK: Come back here Mack! Is that a new script for Bryan!?!?!
AM: It's none of you're business!!!!
KK: I'll be the judge of that!!!! [KK dives and grabs AM's ankles, bringing them both down. The stack of papers fall out of AM's reach. KK attempts to climb over AM on her way to the papers] If you've altered my script there will be hell to pay.
AM: [Desperately struggling to throw KK off her] It's nothing! [Just as AM reaches the papers someone's foot falls on top of them. She looks up to see JG]
JG: I'll be the judge of that. [He bends down to pick the papers up.] What do we have here?
AM: [Pushes KK off her and moves to grab the papers back but JG moves them out of her reach.] That's personal!
JG: "Final edits" for 7.06? Personal, eh?
[KK and AM stand and brush themselves off]
AM: [Reaching for the papers] Give me that!
JG: [Pulls out a dart gun] No so fast, Mack. [JG opens the edited script.]
AM: [Gulps]
KK: Is Lana alive again? [to AM] If she is I've got a knuckle sandwich with your name on it Mack.
JG: Don't rush me, girl!
AM: John, you wouldn't shoot me with that, it's me Allison!
JG: Don't try me, young lady!
KK: Moria is still alive, isn't she!!!
JG: [flipping through the script] Moria is still dead.
KK: And Lana?!?!?!
JG: [Points the dart gun at KK] I said don't rush me!!!!
[AM makes a move towards JG and JG points the dart gun back at her]
JG: Watch it! [pause as he reads] Lana is still dead.
KK: Well that's all I care about. [Starts to leave]
JG: Oh my God! [AM looks nervous]
KK: [Stops] What? What did she do?
JG: Jimmy is still alive!
KK: Is that all? [Turns to leave again] I can kill him all over again next episode.
JG: That's not the bad part. She's... she's [JG is horrified]
KK: [Grabs AM by the neck] What did you do!?!?!
AM: I didn't....
JG: It's horrible!
KK: If you have Jimmy shag Lana so help me....
JG: My minion! He's incompetent!
KK: [Lets go of AM. AM falls to the ground gasping for air] Is that all? Then I'm done here. Later Allison.[Leaves]
JG: How could you Allison?
AM: [Holding her neck] I... um...
JG: It was the perfect murder!
AM: You see...
JG: You plant Lex's men in the street to witness the whole thing? [Sad] You've betrayed me!
AM: It's essential...
JG: One follows my man and then the other one finds out that my man shot the fucking cigarette case from Noir?!!?
AM: It's...
JG: I treated you like you were my own daughter... and this is the thanks I get?
AM: ... foreshadowing!
JG: And if that wasn't enough you plant a note from Lana inside addressed to Kal-El for his men to find before Jimmy wakes up?
AM: So Lex can get mad...
JG: You wanted to get someone mad, huh? [Aims dart gun at AM] I'm sorry you rewrote my script, Miss Mack.
AM: Don't! Bryan...
JG: How's this for foreshadowing? [JG fires a dart into AM's shoulder]
AM: Ow!
JG: Your changes are never going to see the light of day.
AM: He already has.... already has approved the... the soft copy. [AM collapses]
JG: He already approved it!?!?! Well bloody hell!!!! Why didn't you tell me!?!? [Walking off towards BS office] What a waste of a perfectly good tranquilizer dart! [Check the gun] Well, the day's not a total loss, I still have one dart left.
Next
KK: [Approaches] Where are you going?
AM: What do you care?
KK: Thanks to you I care about everything that goes on around here, especially when you're involved. What are you carrying?
AM: Um... Nothing.
KK: Then you won't mind if I look at it.
AM: Drop dead, Kreuk. [AM moves to go by. KK reaches to take her arm and AM runs. KK runs after her]
KK: Not so brave without O'Toole to protect you, huh?
AM: Piss off!
KK: Come back here Mack! Is that a new script for Bryan!?!?!
AM: It's none of you're business!!!!
KK: I'll be the judge of that!!!! [KK dives and grabs AM's ankles, bringing them both down. The stack of papers fall out of AM's reach. KK attempts to climb over AM on her way to the papers] If you've altered my script there will be hell to pay.
AM: [Desperately struggling to throw KK off her] It's nothing! [Just as AM reaches the papers someone's foot falls on top of them. She looks up to see JG]
JG: I'll be the judge of that. [He bends down to pick the papers up.] What do we have here?
AM: [Pushes KK off her and moves to grab the papers back but JG moves them out of her reach.] That's personal!
JG: "Final edits" for 7.06? Personal, eh?
[KK and AM stand and brush themselves off]
AM: [Reaching for the papers] Give me that!
JG: [Pulls out a dart gun] No so fast, Mack. [JG opens the edited script.]
AM: [Gulps]
KK: Is Lana alive again? [to AM] If she is I've got a knuckle sandwich with your name on it Mack.
JG: Don't rush me, girl!
AM: John, you wouldn't shoot me with that, it's me Allison!
JG: Don't try me, young lady!
KK: Moria is still alive, isn't she!!!
JG: [flipping through the script] Moria is still dead.
KK: And Lana?!?!?!
JG: [Points the dart gun at KK] I said don't rush me!!!!
[AM makes a move towards JG and JG points the dart gun back at her]
JG: Watch it! [pause as he reads] Lana is still dead.
KK: Well that's all I care about. [Starts to leave]
JG: Oh my God! [AM looks nervous]
KK: [Stops] What? What did she do?
JG: Jimmy is still alive!
KK: Is that all? [Turns to leave again] I can kill him all over again next episode.
JG: That's not the bad part. She's... she's [JG is horrified]
KK: [Grabs AM by the neck] What did you do!?!?!
AM: I didn't....
JG: It's horrible!
KK: If you have Jimmy shag Lana so help me....
JG: My minion! He's incompetent!
KK: [Lets go of AM. AM falls to the ground gasping for air] Is that all? Then I'm done here. Later Allison.[Leaves]
JG: How could you Allison?
AM: [Holding her neck] I... um...
JG: It was the perfect murder!
AM: You see...
JG: You plant Lex's men in the street to witness the whole thing? [Sad] You've betrayed me!
AM: It's essential...
JG: One follows my man and then the other one finds out that my man shot the fucking cigarette case from Noir?!!?
AM: It's...
JG: I treated you like you were my own daughter... and this is the thanks I get?
AM: ... foreshadowing!
JG: And if that wasn't enough you plant a note from Lana inside addressed to Kal-El for his men to find before Jimmy wakes up?
AM: So Lex can get mad...
JG: You wanted to get someone mad, huh? [Aims dart gun at AM] I'm sorry you rewrote my script, Miss Mack.
AM: Don't! Bryan...
JG: How's this for foreshadowing? [JG fires a dart into AM's shoulder]
AM: Ow!
JG: Your changes are never going to see the light of day.
AM: He already has.... already has approved the... the soft copy. [AM collapses]
JG: He already approved it!?!?! Well bloody hell!!!! Why didn't you tell me!?!? [Walking off towards BS office] What a waste of a perfectly good tranquilizer dart! [Check the gun] Well, the day's not a total loss, I still have one dart left.
Next
Heart of Dorkiness (Part III)
as retold by RepairmanBob
[Some time later. BS is playing a Superman board game.]
BS: I’ll save you Lois!
JG: [Walks into the office] Mr. Singer, juts let me say this is a – [looks around] oh my.
BS: [Stands up, walks to JG] HI! Bryan Singer! Great to meet you!
JG: Yes, we met a few –
BS: I am so happy to meet the cast of Smallville! I thought the name of the show was Young Superman, but Kristin told me it was called Smallville! Can you believe that?
JG: Well, I -
BS: I mean, it is the story of how Clark Kent becomes Superman! Why would you not call it Young Superman? Or Superboy! That would be so cool!
JG: And legal suicide.
BS: What?
JG: Never mind. Mr. Singer, I would like to talk to you about my role on the show.
BS: Great! I think you play an essential role on the show, and I want to increase your screen time in the next few episodes.
JG: You are an outstanding judge of talent.
BS: Halley Berry said the same thing to me! Do you know I worked with Halley Berry on two X-Men movies?
JG: How nice. So, for my new story arc –
BS: She won an Oscar!
JG: I know. Life is truly not fair.
BS: But not for X-men. Some monster movie. I didn't see it. It didn't have Superman. I love Superman.
JG: I hear you made your own Superman movie.
BS: I did! How'd you know?
JG: I...
BS: Have you had lunch yet? I want to get some lunch! Do you like Chinese food? [Opens office door] Someone order me some Chinese food! [to JG] I think Superman would like Chinese food.
JG: Let’s stay on task here. I was thinking...
BS: What to do with Jonathon Kent?
JG: [pause] Eh, what?
BS: Dawn said you were playing Martha’s love interest, and that had to be Jonathan Kent! After all, everyone knows Clark’s parents are together and love each other! Who else could Martha be involved with?
JG: Jonathon Kent is dead! I play...
BS: Oh, that's right... heart attack! What a shame. I can't believe Martha would have eyes for anyone else though...
JG: I play...
BS: Holds up his hand Wait! Let me guess! I'm good at this! I'm good at guessing games. Did you know I once won a jar of Jelly Belly's by nailing the exact number in the jar?
JG: I didn't...
BS: They were red and blue. Just like Superman's costume. I couldn't stop eating them! Wish I hadn't done that... had a stomach ache for weeks.
JG: What I wanted to say...
BS: Let me get a look at you. Ruggedly handsome...
JG: [Smiles] Why yes!
BS: [touches JG's mane] Magnificent hair!
JG: Thank you.
BS: Such a striking figure, it's so obvious! How could I have ever thought you were Clark's dad?
JG: [Flattered] No offense taken.
BS: The girl with the shinny hair! You're her father!
JG: Who?
BS: Laura? No. Donna? No.
JG: [Turns green, holds his stomach] Lana?
BS: Lana! That's it! Lana!
JG: [Expression stuck between shocked and horrified] No! I'm Lionel Luthor!
BS: Who?
JG: [Looks shocked] Lionel Luthor!
BS: Who is that?
JG: [Expression stuck between shocked and horrified] You don't know? Lionel. Luthor. The Magnificent Bastard. Father of Lex, enemy of Clark, seducer of Martha.
BS: I don’t remember him from the Superman movies.
JG: He was created for this show!
BS: Not in the movies? Then we may have a problem. I was brought in to bring Young Supeman –
JG: Smallville
BS: Back to what made it great. Back to basics. And what is more basic than the Donner Superman movies? Everyone loves them!
JG: So the big plans you had for me... were for actually for Jonathon Kent?
BS: A shame about the heart attack. Are you sure you don't play Lana's father?
JG: YES!
BS: It's just that Lex is bald and Lana's and your hair...
JG: [Looks nauseated] I have to go. We will talk [gags] later! [JG runs out the door. The sounds of vomiting, broken up by violent cursing, can be heard]
BS: Back to work! [sits back down at the Superman board game.] No real estate for you, Lex Luthor!
Next
[Some time later. BS is playing a Superman board game.]
BS: I’ll save you Lois!
JG: [Walks into the office] Mr. Singer, juts let me say this is a – [looks around] oh my.
BS: [Stands up, walks to JG] HI! Bryan Singer! Great to meet you!
JG: Yes, we met a few –
BS: I am so happy to meet the cast of Smallville! I thought the name of the show was Young Superman, but Kristin told me it was called Smallville! Can you believe that?
JG: Well, I -
BS: I mean, it is the story of how Clark Kent becomes Superman! Why would you not call it Young Superman? Or Superboy! That would be so cool!
JG: And legal suicide.
BS: What?
JG: Never mind. Mr. Singer, I would like to talk to you about my role on the show.
BS: Great! I think you play an essential role on the show, and I want to increase your screen time in the next few episodes.
JG: You are an outstanding judge of talent.
BS: Halley Berry said the same thing to me! Do you know I worked with Halley Berry on two X-Men movies?
JG: How nice. So, for my new story arc –
BS: She won an Oscar!
JG: I know. Life is truly not fair.
BS: But not for X-men. Some monster movie. I didn't see it. It didn't have Superman. I love Superman.
JG: I hear you made your own Superman movie.
BS: I did! How'd you know?
JG: I...
BS: Have you had lunch yet? I want to get some lunch! Do you like Chinese food? [Opens office door] Someone order me some Chinese food! [to JG] I think Superman would like Chinese food.
JG: Let’s stay on task here. I was thinking...
BS: What to do with Jonathon Kent?
JG: [pause] Eh, what?
BS: Dawn said you were playing Martha’s love interest, and that had to be Jonathan Kent! After all, everyone knows Clark’s parents are together and love each other! Who else could Martha be involved with?
JG: Jonathon Kent is dead! I play...
BS: Oh, that's right... heart attack! What a shame. I can't believe Martha would have eyes for anyone else though...
JG: I play...
BS: Holds up his hand Wait! Let me guess! I'm good at this! I'm good at guessing games. Did you know I once won a jar of Jelly Belly's by nailing the exact number in the jar?
JG: I didn't...
BS: They were red and blue. Just like Superman's costume. I couldn't stop eating them! Wish I hadn't done that... had a stomach ache for weeks.
JG: What I wanted to say...
BS: Let me get a look at you. Ruggedly handsome...
JG: [Smiles] Why yes!
BS: [touches JG's mane] Magnificent hair!
JG: Thank you.
BS: Such a striking figure, it's so obvious! How could I have ever thought you were Clark's dad?
JG: [Flattered] No offense taken.
BS: The girl with the shinny hair! You're her father!
JG: Who?
BS: Laura? No. Donna? No.
JG: [Turns green, holds his stomach] Lana?
BS: Lana! That's it! Lana!
JG: [Expression stuck between shocked and horrified] No! I'm Lionel Luthor!
BS: Who?
JG: [Looks shocked] Lionel Luthor!
BS: Who is that?
JG: [Expression stuck between shocked and horrified] You don't know? Lionel. Luthor. The Magnificent Bastard. Father of Lex, enemy of Clark, seducer of Martha.
BS: I don’t remember him from the Superman movies.
JG: He was created for this show!
BS: Not in the movies? Then we may have a problem. I was brought in to bring Young Supeman –
JG: Smallville
BS: Back to what made it great. Back to basics. And what is more basic than the Donner Superman movies? Everyone loves them!
JG: So the big plans you had for me... were for actually for Jonathon Kent?
BS: A shame about the heart attack. Are you sure you don't play Lana's father?
JG: YES!
BS: It's just that Lex is bald and Lana's and your hair...
JG: [Looks nauseated] I have to go. We will talk [gags] later! [JG runs out the door. The sounds of vomiting, broken up by violent cursing, can be heard]
BS: Back to work! [sits back down at the Superman board game.] No real estate for you, Lex Luthor!
Next
Heart of Dorkiness (Part II)
as retold by RepairmanBob
(BS is talking to his life size cardboard standout of CR Superman) Superman, you are so brave and strong. I bet you could kick Batman’s ass!
AM: (walks in) Whoa.
BS: I always say the same thing when I look at him! He is so heroic!
AM: Yes, Chris was a very brave man.
BS: Who?
AM Chris Reeves?
BS: Oh, yeah. I was talking about Superman.
AM: (Looks mildly disturbed.) Yeah. Listen, Bryan, I need to talk to you.
BS: Great! I want to hear all about your ideas! Your role on Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Is essential to Clark’s development! I have some major plans for you! Big arc! Helping bring down LuthorCorp! Major guest stars brought in for cameos with you!
AM: That is terrific! Al and Miles never had any plans for Chloe! It will be wonderful to work with such a creative leader for a change.
BS: I am glad you feel that way! I just have one question.
AM: Sure!
BS: Who is Chloe?
AM: (Puts head down) Oh, for fuck’s sake.
BS: Wait, this has happened before. Are you Chloe?
AM: Goddamnit! Chloe Sullivan has been Clark’s best friend for six fucking years! I am the only one on this show who can do exposition! I have more screen time than Michael! How can you not know who I am playing?
BS: I thought you were Lois Lane!
AM: Come again?
BS: Dawn said you played a tough, smart young reporter who was Clark’s best friend and a possible love interest! If it was not that girl with the shiny hair -
AM: (Grinding teeth) Kristin.
BS: Then it had to be you! That sounds just like Lois!
AM: Well you do have a point. Have you every heard of the Chlois theory?
BS: Chlois?
AM: It is the theory that Chloe Sullivan actually grows up to be Lois Lane.
BS: Then why is she named Chloe Sullivan?
AM: Because when the show started, Al and Miles did not have permission to use Lois Lane. They created Chloe to fill the Lois role.
BS: (Frowns) But there is no Chloe in the Superman movies. If Chloe was Lois, why was she named Lois in the Superman movies? hey did you know I made my own Superman movie?
AM: Yes, I know that. (Takes a deep breath) Bryan, you had permission to use Lois Lane. Al and Miles did not.
BS: But if Lois was Chloe, why would she call herself Chloe? That is silly! Lois is Lois!
AM: (Looking frustrated.) Never mind, I will explain later. For now, I need to talk to you about some of the deaths in Consequences.
BS: Deaths bring ratings! And I love ratings! And Superman! And my X-Box! And studies of comparative religious themes in 20th century cinema! And hair gel!
AM: Kristin and John went too far. They turned Chloe into a killer!
BS: Wait a minute. Who was Chloe again?
AM: (Grabs BS by the shirt and shakes him) Pay attention!
BS: Wow, when you shake me the Superman disco ball I installed looks all shiny! I like things that are shiny! Did you know one of the women who works on Young Superman -
AM: Smallville.
BS: Has shiny hair?
AM: (Releases BS) In Consequences. Chloe accidentally kills her mom. We need to change that.
BS: No can do. I was brought in to bring Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Back to basics. Get it back to the core characters, and the stories everyone knows and loves. Why would anyone care about the mom of a character they have never heard of?
AM: If they have been watching Smallville, they know who Chloe is!
BS: I love Superman, and I have never heard of her!
AM: We just talked about this! Clark’s best friend! Reporter! Blond! Snarky!
BS: Are you sure you don’t play Lois? Dawn said Lois had great breasts.
AM: What?
BS: Or that might have been a casting note for the cross-over with Pussycat Dolls. Or maybe I was going or order a chicken breast sandwich for lunch.
AM: (Mutters to self) Best behavior with the new show runner. (Talks to BS) OK, we also need to bring back Lana Lang.
BS: Lana, Lana… nope, don’t know her either.
AM: Kristin plays her? Love interest, shiny hair?
BS: Oh, her! Nice girl.
AM: Lana?
BS: No Kristin. Lana was not in the movies, and I need to cut the cast to have more money for special effects. And pie. I love pie! Yay pie!
AM: Kristin gets the same salary if she acts or not! We all do!
BS: Wow! Your agents suck!
AM: Tell me about it.
BS: I want to focus on making Clark more heroic. Lana gets in the way of that.
AM: Can’t say I disagree.
BS: Yeah, Kristin explained what a huge obstacle Lana was to Clark’s development. Lana had to go if we want Clark to grow up and be more like Superman. Did you know I made a Superman movie? It was cool!
AM: Fine, fine. What about Jimmy?
BS: What about him?
AM: John killed him off, and I –
BS: No! We need Jimmy! Jimmy is in the movies! If Jimmy dies, then Jimmy cannot be in the movies! And we know Jimmy is already in the movies, so he cannot die! We need to fix that right away!
AM: Finally, something we can agree on. Now, about his relationship with Chloe –
BS: Who?
AM: (Mutters) Do not kill Singer. Do not kill Singer. (Speaks louder.) You know what Bryan? Let's get together later. Thanks for seeing me. (Walks out)
BS: Bye! That young lady was nice. Reminds me of Halley Berry. I like berries. I think I will have strawberry ice cream! (Yells out door) Someone bring me some strawberry ice cream!
AM: (Walking out of the office, talking to herself) Stupid Singer. Stupid old Superman movies. Kristin fucking Bell got a job on Heroes after running the ratings into the ground for three years and I can't even get in a CW commerical! I have been busting my ass for six years, and all that hyper-active twit cares about is 30 year old movie! The only way I could keep his attention would be if... (AM stops, smiles.) Hehehe. Oh my.
Next
(BS is talking to his life size cardboard standout of CR Superman) Superman, you are so brave and strong. I bet you could kick Batman’s ass!
AM: (walks in) Whoa.
BS: I always say the same thing when I look at him! He is so heroic!
AM: Yes, Chris was a very brave man.
BS: Who?
AM Chris Reeves?
BS: Oh, yeah. I was talking about Superman.
AM: (Looks mildly disturbed.) Yeah. Listen, Bryan, I need to talk to you.
BS: Great! I want to hear all about your ideas! Your role on Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Is essential to Clark’s development! I have some major plans for you! Big arc! Helping bring down LuthorCorp! Major guest stars brought in for cameos with you!
AM: That is terrific! Al and Miles never had any plans for Chloe! It will be wonderful to work with such a creative leader for a change.
BS: I am glad you feel that way! I just have one question.
AM: Sure!
BS: Who is Chloe?
AM: (Puts head down) Oh, for fuck’s sake.
BS: Wait, this has happened before. Are you Chloe?
AM: Goddamnit! Chloe Sullivan has been Clark’s best friend for six fucking years! I am the only one on this show who can do exposition! I have more screen time than Michael! How can you not know who I am playing?
BS: I thought you were Lois Lane!
AM: Come again?
BS: Dawn said you played a tough, smart young reporter who was Clark’s best friend and a possible love interest! If it was not that girl with the shiny hair -
AM: (Grinding teeth) Kristin.
BS: Then it had to be you! That sounds just like Lois!
AM: Well you do have a point. Have you every heard of the Chlois theory?
BS: Chlois?
AM: It is the theory that Chloe Sullivan actually grows up to be Lois Lane.
BS: Then why is she named Chloe Sullivan?
AM: Because when the show started, Al and Miles did not have permission to use Lois Lane. They created Chloe to fill the Lois role.
BS: (Frowns) But there is no Chloe in the Superman movies. If Chloe was Lois, why was she named Lois in the Superman movies? hey did you know I made my own Superman movie?
AM: Yes, I know that. (Takes a deep breath) Bryan, you had permission to use Lois Lane. Al and Miles did not.
BS: But if Lois was Chloe, why would she call herself Chloe? That is silly! Lois is Lois!
AM: (Looking frustrated.) Never mind, I will explain later. For now, I need to talk to you about some of the deaths in Consequences.
BS: Deaths bring ratings! And I love ratings! And Superman! And my X-Box! And studies of comparative religious themes in 20th century cinema! And hair gel!
AM: Kristin and John went too far. They turned Chloe into a killer!
BS: Wait a minute. Who was Chloe again?
AM: (Grabs BS by the shirt and shakes him) Pay attention!
BS: Wow, when you shake me the Superman disco ball I installed looks all shiny! I like things that are shiny! Did you know one of the women who works on Young Superman -
AM: Smallville.
BS: Has shiny hair?
AM: (Releases BS) In Consequences. Chloe accidentally kills her mom. We need to change that.
BS: No can do. I was brought in to bring Young Superman –
AM: Smallville.
BS: Back to basics. Get it back to the core characters, and the stories everyone knows and loves. Why would anyone care about the mom of a character they have never heard of?
AM: If they have been watching Smallville, they know who Chloe is!
BS: I love Superman, and I have never heard of her!
AM: We just talked about this! Clark’s best friend! Reporter! Blond! Snarky!
BS: Are you sure you don’t play Lois? Dawn said Lois had great breasts.
AM: What?
BS: Or that might have been a casting note for the cross-over with Pussycat Dolls. Or maybe I was going or order a chicken breast sandwich for lunch.
AM: (Mutters to self) Best behavior with the new show runner. (Talks to BS) OK, we also need to bring back Lana Lang.
BS: Lana, Lana… nope, don’t know her either.
AM: Kristin plays her? Love interest, shiny hair?
BS: Oh, her! Nice girl.
AM: Lana?
BS: No Kristin. Lana was not in the movies, and I need to cut the cast to have more money for special effects. And pie. I love pie! Yay pie!
AM: Kristin gets the same salary if she acts or not! We all do!
BS: Wow! Your agents suck!
AM: Tell me about it.
BS: I want to focus on making Clark more heroic. Lana gets in the way of that.
AM: Can’t say I disagree.
BS: Yeah, Kristin explained what a huge obstacle Lana was to Clark’s development. Lana had to go if we want Clark to grow up and be more like Superman. Did you know I made a Superman movie? It was cool!
AM: Fine, fine. What about Jimmy?
BS: What about him?
AM: John killed him off, and I –
BS: No! We need Jimmy! Jimmy is in the movies! If Jimmy dies, then Jimmy cannot be in the movies! And we know Jimmy is already in the movies, so he cannot die! We need to fix that right away!
AM: Finally, something we can agree on. Now, about his relationship with Chloe –
BS: Who?
AM: (Mutters) Do not kill Singer. Do not kill Singer. (Speaks louder.) You know what Bryan? Let's get together later. Thanks for seeing me. (Walks out)
BS: Bye! That young lady was nice. Reminds me of Halley Berry. I like berries. I think I will have strawberry ice cream! (Yells out door) Someone bring me some strawberry ice cream!
AM: (Walking out of the office, talking to herself) Stupid Singer. Stupid old Superman movies. Kristin fucking Bell got a job on Heroes after running the ratings into the ground for three years and I can't even get in a CW commerical! I have been busting my ass for six years, and all that hyper-active twit cares about is 30 year old movie! The only way I could keep his attention would be if... (AM stops, smiles.) Hehehe. Oh my.
Next
Heart of Dorkiness (Part I)
as retold by RepairmanBob
(Al and Miles’s old office, now Bryan Singer’s office. The Lana posters are gone. The walls, are covered in movie posters and autographed cast pictures from Superman: The Motion Picture, Superman II and Superman Returns. Movie props, photos, Alex Ross paintings of Superman, toys and a life sized cardboard of Christopher Reeves cover the room. One corner has been turned into a small shrine, with a copy of Action Comics #1 locked in a glass case. BS looks around proudly.)
BS: Everything is perfect. It is finally perfect.
(KK Bursts in)
KK: OK, you said you wanted to meet with – holy crap!
BS: (Smiles) It’s great, isn’t it? I have always been a huge Superman fan. I have always dreamed about making my own Superman movie. And I did!
KK: Yes, I know.
BS: Superman Returns! It was great! And now I get to work on Young Superman!
KK: Smallville.
BS: Yes, Young Superman! The story of how Clark Kent grows up to be Superman! I can hardly wait!
KK: Have you ever actually watched Smallville?
BS: It’s Superman! I know all about Superman! Did you know Superman can fly around the world so fast it reverses time?
KK: (Dry voice.) Wonderful. Listen, I just want to make sure my character stays dead. I don’t care what else you –
BS: Dead? No way! You can’t be dead! I refuse to allow that!
KK: (Glares, starts to move towards BS) What do you mean not dead? Lana got her goddamn head cut off! If you think –
BS: Lana? Who is Lana?
KK: (Backs off) Who is Lana?
BS: Yeah, who is that?
KK: Lana Lang?
BS: Not ringing a bell.
KK: But who did you think I was –
BS: Dawn said you played Clark’s love interest! You must be Lois Lane! I need Lois Lane on Young Superman! She is in the movies!
KK: Lois? But why would you –
BS: You look like Kate Bosworth! (Frowns) But a little heavier. Have you considered dieting? Kate is pretty and thin!
KK: (Mouth wide open, utterly speechless)
BS: Anyway, if you were Clark’s love interest, you had to be Lois! Clark loves Lois, everyone knows that! (Looks around, gets distracted) Look, a shinny penny! (BS chases after penny).
KK: You really have never watched Smallville, have you?
BS: Clark loves Lois! Everyone knows that! If there is a love interest, it has to be Lois!
KK: So, you do not care if Lana stays dead?
BS: I am still not sure who this Lana is, but if she was not in the Donner movies, I don’t care. I love those movies! Look, I have posters from them!
KK: (Smiles) Yes, I see. Listen, you like the Superman movies, right?
BS: Like them? I love them! Did you know I made my own Superman movie? Do you want to watch it with me right now?
KK: Sure, and while we do that, let me tell you about some ideas I have for Smallville.
BS: Young Superman.
KK: Whatever you say, Bryan. Whatever you say.
Next
(Al and Miles’s old office, now Bryan Singer’s office. The Lana posters are gone. The walls, are covered in movie posters and autographed cast pictures from Superman: The Motion Picture, Superman II and Superman Returns. Movie props, photos, Alex Ross paintings of Superman, toys and a life sized cardboard of Christopher Reeves cover the room. One corner has been turned into a small shrine, with a copy of Action Comics #1 locked in a glass case. BS looks around proudly.)
BS: Everything is perfect. It is finally perfect.
(KK Bursts in)
KK: OK, you said you wanted to meet with – holy crap!
BS: (Smiles) It’s great, isn’t it? I have always been a huge Superman fan. I have always dreamed about making my own Superman movie. And I did!
KK: Yes, I know.
BS: Superman Returns! It was great! And now I get to work on Young Superman!
KK: Smallville.
BS: Yes, Young Superman! The story of how Clark Kent grows up to be Superman! I can hardly wait!
KK: Have you ever actually watched Smallville?
BS: It’s Superman! I know all about Superman! Did you know Superman can fly around the world so fast it reverses time?
KK: (Dry voice.) Wonderful. Listen, I just want to make sure my character stays dead. I don’t care what else you –
BS: Dead? No way! You can’t be dead! I refuse to allow that!
KK: (Glares, starts to move towards BS) What do you mean not dead? Lana got her goddamn head cut off! If you think –
BS: Lana? Who is Lana?
KK: (Backs off) Who is Lana?
BS: Yeah, who is that?
KK: Lana Lang?
BS: Not ringing a bell.
KK: But who did you think I was –
BS: Dawn said you played Clark’s love interest! You must be Lois Lane! I need Lois Lane on Young Superman! She is in the movies!
KK: Lois? But why would you –
BS: You look like Kate Bosworth! (Frowns) But a little heavier. Have you considered dieting? Kate is pretty and thin!
KK: (Mouth wide open, utterly speechless)
BS: Anyway, if you were Clark’s love interest, you had to be Lois! Clark loves Lois, everyone knows that! (Looks around, gets distracted) Look, a shinny penny! (BS chases after penny).
KK: You really have never watched Smallville, have you?
BS: Clark loves Lois! Everyone knows that! If there is a love interest, it has to be Lois!
KK: So, you do not care if Lana stays dead?
BS: I am still not sure who this Lana is, but if she was not in the Donner movies, I don’t care. I love those movies! Look, I have posters from them!
KK: (Smiles) Yes, I see. Listen, you like the Superman movies, right?
BS: Like them? I love them! Did you know I made my own Superman movie? Do you want to watch it with me right now?
KK: Sure, and while we do that, let me tell you about some ideas I have for Smallville.
BS: Young Superman.
KK: Whatever you say, Bryan. Whatever you say.
Next
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part VII)
AM: [Pulls out Karaoke machine and starts "Lean on me"]
MR: Must we?
AM: Do you want to make Annette mad?
MR: Uh, no. Sing, please.
ED: Mind if I join in?
AoT: Yes.
ED: [pouts]
AoT: You got to sing in Noir. This is my time to shine. [Singing] Sometime in our lives we all have pain / We all have sorrow / But if we are wise we know that there's / Always tomorrow
AM: Chloe smiles mischievously. "Like you said..." fade out to
AM: The GreenK pit. Martian Manhunter reaches for Clark's hand.
AoT: [singing] Lean on me when you're not strong and / I'll be your friend / I'll help you carry on
AM: "You don't have to face this alone." With John's help Clark stands. Clark leans on John as they start climbing out of the pit.
AoT: [singing] For it won't be long till I'm gonna need / Somebody to lean on
AM: Conference center. Lois, "I just saved your ass. I'd think you'd be a little more appreciative." Bittleman responds with anger, "You're the one who nearly got us killed in the first place!"
AoT: [singing] Please swallow your pride if I have things
AM: Lois waits a beat, "You know what? You're right. We'll figure this out without the help of any of my dad's friends." Bittleman looks at her in shock.
AoT: [singing] You need to borrow
AM: Lois, "What?" Bittleman, "Are you an idiot?" Then Lois, "But you just..."
AoT: [Singing] For no one can fill those of your needs
AM: "I admire this sudden urge to prove yourself, Mulan, but you're proposing we cut down a red wood with the nail file from you manicure kit when daddy has a chain saw out in the shed."*
AoT: [Singing] that you won't let show
AM: Lois, "So you you think we should...?" Bittleman interrupts, "Hallelujah and praise the lord! Miricales do happen! She can be taught!"
AoT:Pull back to reveal Hope watching them suspiciously.
AM: Cut to the ambulance.
AoT: [Singing] Just call on me brother when you need a hand / We all need somebody to lean on
AM: Martha leans in and gives Chloe a hug. Chloe's eyes tear up. "I can't believe she's really gone."
AoT: [Singing] I just might have a problem that you'd understand / We all need somebody to lean on
AM: Martha strokes Chloe's hair and whispers, "I know, Chloe. I know."
AoT: [Singing] Lean on me when you're not strong / And I'll be your friend /I'll help you carry on
AM: Chloe starts crying. Martha holds her tight.
AoT: [Singing] For it won't be long till I'm gonna need / Somebody to lean on
AM: Kryptonite pit. Crane shot of Martian Manhunter and Clark working together to clear out the vein of Kryptonite.
AoT: [Singing] If there is a load you have to bear
AM: Bart speeds in and starts helping too.
AoT: [Singing] That you can't carry
AM: A truck labeled Queen Industries pulls up.
AoT: [Singing] I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
AM: Clark stops for a second and smiles at all the help he has.
AoT: [Singing] if you just call me
AM: And go to black.
Next
MR: Must we?
AM: Do you want to make Annette mad?
MR: Uh, no. Sing, please.
ED: Mind if I join in?
AoT: Yes.
ED: [pouts]
AoT: You got to sing in Noir. This is my time to shine. [Singing] Sometime in our lives we all have pain / We all have sorrow / But if we are wise we know that there's / Always tomorrow
AM: Chloe smiles mischievously. "Like you said..." fade out to
AM: The GreenK pit. Martian Manhunter reaches for Clark's hand.
AoT: [singing] Lean on me when you're not strong and / I'll be your friend / I'll help you carry on
AM: "You don't have to face this alone." With John's help Clark stands. Clark leans on John as they start climbing out of the pit.
AoT: [singing] For it won't be long till I'm gonna need / Somebody to lean on
AM: Conference center. Lois, "I just saved your ass. I'd think you'd be a little more appreciative." Bittleman responds with anger, "You're the one who nearly got us killed in the first place!"
AoT: [singing] Please swallow your pride if I have things
AM: Lois waits a beat, "You know what? You're right. We'll figure this out without the help of any of my dad's friends." Bittleman looks at her in shock.
AoT: [singing] You need to borrow
AM: Lois, "What?" Bittleman, "Are you an idiot?" Then Lois, "But you just..."
AoT: [Singing] For no one can fill those of your needs
AM: "I admire this sudden urge to prove yourself, Mulan, but you're proposing we cut down a red wood with the nail file from you manicure kit when daddy has a chain saw out in the shed."*
AoT: [Singing] that you won't let show
AM: Lois, "So you you think we should...?" Bittleman interrupts, "Hallelujah and praise the lord! Miricales do happen! She can be taught!"
AoT:Pull back to reveal Hope watching them suspiciously.
AM: Cut to the ambulance.
AoT: [Singing] Just call on me brother when you need a hand / We all need somebody to lean on
AM: Martha leans in and gives Chloe a hug. Chloe's eyes tear up. "I can't believe she's really gone."
AoT: [Singing] I just might have a problem that you'd understand / We all need somebody to lean on
AM: Martha strokes Chloe's hair and whispers, "I know, Chloe. I know."
AoT: [Singing] Lean on me when you're not strong / And I'll be your friend /I'll help you carry on
AM: Chloe starts crying. Martha holds her tight.
AoT: [Singing] For it won't be long till I'm gonna need / Somebody to lean on
AM: Kryptonite pit. Crane shot of Martian Manhunter and Clark working together to clear out the vein of Kryptonite.
AoT: [Singing] If there is a load you have to bear
AM: Bart speeds in and starts helping too.
AoT: [Singing] That you can't carry
AM: A truck labeled Queen Industries pulls up.
AoT: [Singing] I'm right up the road, I'll share your load
AM: Clark stops for a second and smiles at all the help he has.
AoT: [Singing] if you just call me
AM: And go to black.
Next
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part VI)
AM: Hope steps aside but she doesn't take her eye of the bad guy.
AoT: "So, Lex, let me tell you how this is going to work."
AM: Kahloe is amused. She whispers into Lex's ear seductively, "You were afraid you might never have the chance to earn my love. This is your chance, my darling, to be the good guy. Show him what you're made of."
MR: I think I'm going to vomit.
AoT: Town meeting. Martha is taking questions from the public.
AM: Villain man is in sniper position in a rafter above the crowd. He aims.
AoT: The big meeting.
AM: Bittleman tries to butt in pretending to be an immigrant worker with little knowledge of English.
AoT: While he occupies their attention Lois snatches up a couple unguarded gadgets including an alien gun.
AM: Unfortunately someone spots her.
AoT: Just as Hasaad's goon is about to go medieval on Lois Lex announces the meeting is over. He tells the them Hassad has a day to decide if it wants to play by Lex's rules or play at all.
AM: The guy that found Lois, "Hey boss!"
AoT: But Hasaad's number two just waves him off. A couple goons point their guns at Lex, "You don't leave this room, Luthor, until we say it's OK."
AM: Kahloe leans in. "Looks like it's time to play hard ball, Lex. Do you have what it takes?"
JG: Hee! Does Lex have hard balls?
AM: What?
JG: That wasn't intentional?
AM: No!
JG: Oh.
AoT: Lex, "Of course."
JG: I have hard balls! [Pounds the table laughing]
AM: [Irritated] Yeah, that's just hilarious, John. Hasaad's flunky smiles, "I thought so."
AoT: Villain man fires.
AM: Show mo shot of the bullet heading for and entering Martha's chest.
TW: You're not going to kill off Martha are you? The body count this season is already out of control!
AM: I've been meaning to talk to Bryan about that.
KK: I swear to you, Allison, if you...
AM: Besides, do you really think Annette is going to let her own character die?
AoT: It would cut into my screen time.
AM: After all, only a fool would kill off their own character.
KK: I heard that!
AM: Heh. You were supposed to.
AoT: Chaos ensues. The crowd makes a run for the various exits.
AM: Villain man reloads calmly. Mutant guys hits the ground as guards rush to cover Martha.
AoT: Villain guy takes a shot at mutant guy and scores a hit.
AM: One of the guards yells for the EMTs. Several guards pull their guns and wave them around hoping to spot the attacker.
AoT: The EMT's rush in and put Martha and the mutant guy on stretchers. Villain guy smiles and craws for an exit.
AM: Big meeting.
AoT: Lex, "I'm disappointed. I'd hoped we could come to a mutual understanding."
AM: Kahloe, "Don't lie Lex. You can't wait to show your strength. You hoped for this. You're going to enjoy it, aren't you?"
AoT: The goon, "Yeah? I'm sure you'll get over it."
AM: Lex, "I'm sure I will." Lex pauses.
AoT: Kahloe smiles, knowing what is coming.
AM: "Now."
AoT: The PAS attack with lightning speed. Hasaad's men who aren't slaughtered flee in a panic.
AM: Bittleman and Lois get caught in the cross fire.
AoT: Lois saves Bittleman's ass and gets them out of the room safely.
ED: Yes!
AM: Crane shot of Lex and Kahloe admiring their handiwork. Kahloe claps in admiration. Hope walks from body to body checking for pulses and taking weapons. Occasionally she finds a live one. And shoots him. Kahloe, "How does it feel to finally be the good guy, Lex?"
AoT: "It feels good."
AM: Flirty, "I bet, since the good guy always gets the girl."
AoT: Lex studies her for a second, not sure what to say.
AM: "Oh, come on, Lex. I've been in your mind. You can't hide your feelings from me."
AoT: "That's ancient history."
AM: Kahloe chuckles, "All those women... and the only one you never got over... was the lonely high school outcast."
AoT: Lex looks away, not wanting to accept the truth.
MR: It's not the truth!!!
AM: The truth? You can't handle the truth!
JG: Oh, good one, Allison.
AM: Kahloe kisses him. Then as she stares into his eyes, "It's hardly surprising, though. We always were so much alike."
ED: I think a lot of people are going to be surprised. I mean like that ever happened.
AoT: Erica, did you ever wonder why the first "Lois" didn't work out?
ED: What do you mean? I didn't know that was another Lois.
MR: [to AoT] Ixnay on the oriLay.
AoT: Michael, I think she deserves to know.
JG: I agree with Michael. That's a really, really, bad idea.
ED: What do I deserve to know?
KK: Didn't you think it was strange that all the scenes without you, me, or Jensen were already in the can and ready to go when you showed up?
ED: [shrugs] I thought it was bad scheduling. And since you and Jenson started filming the same time I did...
MR: Kristen, don't do this! Please.
KK: You're the one who the started it, Michael! Besides, what have I got to loose?
ED: What? Started what?
KK: Re-introducing season 3.5.
ED: 3.5? Heh. [pause. ED's turns serious] But that's just a conspiracy theory we all joke about. Al and Miles have sworn it never happened. Repeatedly.
JG: Erica is right.
MR: It never happened. Ever. And even if it had [significant look at AM] Allison would have to be insane to dredge it back up.
AM: Or very, very angry.
ED: So there really is a season 3.5?
MR: I swear, Erica, let sleeping dogs lie. Trust me on this. You don't want to get involved.
AoT: I'll tell you all about it after the reading, dear.
AM: Outside the conference center. Lois and Bittleman take a moment to rest outside the scene of the "crime". They're still in staff uniforms. "We have no proof, no photos, no tapes, and someone stole my new Italian suit! Bravo, Jasmine. This is truly a spectacular day in the history of modern journalism."
AoT: "At the Inquisitor..."
AM: "Yeah, the Inquisitor would probably turn it into some alien conspiracy story, slap a stock photo of everyone's favorite extraterrestrial on the cover and run the headline 'LuthorCorp stops E.T. from phoning home' without an inkling of what actually happened or a shred or evidence to back it up. But you're not at the Inquisitor anymore, Dorthy. You walk into Kahn's office without the facts to back your story up and she'll hand you your head on a silver platter."
AoT: Lois pulls out an alien gun. "Well, we do have this."
AM: Scoffing, "What the hell is that? A toy gun?"
AoT: Lois tucks it in her purse, "I don't know what it is. We'll take it to my dad's friend a S.T.A.R. labs."
AM: "Cue the music because here comes the general's daughter!" Ted hums the presidential march, "Bum bum ba bum bum bum ba bum ba bum bum. Seriously, Barbie, I hope you plan on putting your dad's name down for your next by line because you haven't shown me you could connect the dots on the back of a Pizza Hut kids menu without the help of someone from daddy's Rolodex."
AoT: The EMTs roll the stretchers into an ambulance behind the meeting hall and slam the doors.
AM: Martha and mutant guy's bodies dissolve.
AoT: Pan up to show Chloe sitting next to Martha. Martha thanks Chloe.
AM: Cue up "Lean on me."
AoT: Momma Kent is about to sing!
MR: You've got to be kidding me.
AM: It's just a little musical background for the last couple of scenes. It's not the end of the world.
MR: No, Lex falling in love with Chloe is the end of the world. I tell you the end times are upon us!
continued...
AoT: "So, Lex, let me tell you how this is going to work."
AM: Kahloe is amused. She whispers into Lex's ear seductively, "You were afraid you might never have the chance to earn my love. This is your chance, my darling, to be the good guy. Show him what you're made of."
MR: I think I'm going to vomit.
AoT: Town meeting. Martha is taking questions from the public.
AM: Villain man is in sniper position in a rafter above the crowd. He aims.
AoT: The big meeting.
AM: Bittleman tries to butt in pretending to be an immigrant worker with little knowledge of English.
AoT: While he occupies their attention Lois snatches up a couple unguarded gadgets including an alien gun.
AM: Unfortunately someone spots her.
AoT: Just as Hasaad's goon is about to go medieval on Lois Lex announces the meeting is over. He tells the them Hassad has a day to decide if it wants to play by Lex's rules or play at all.
AM: The guy that found Lois, "Hey boss!"
AoT: But Hasaad's number two just waves him off. A couple goons point their guns at Lex, "You don't leave this room, Luthor, until we say it's OK."
AM: Kahloe leans in. "Looks like it's time to play hard ball, Lex. Do you have what it takes?"
JG: Hee! Does Lex have hard balls?
AM: What?
JG: That wasn't intentional?
AM: No!
JG: Oh.
AoT: Lex, "Of course."
JG: I have hard balls! [Pounds the table laughing]
AM: [Irritated] Yeah, that's just hilarious, John. Hasaad's flunky smiles, "I thought so."
AoT: Villain man fires.
AM: Show mo shot of the bullet heading for and entering Martha's chest.
TW: You're not going to kill off Martha are you? The body count this season is already out of control!
AM: I've been meaning to talk to Bryan about that.
KK: I swear to you, Allison, if you...
AM: Besides, do you really think Annette is going to let her own character die?
AoT: It would cut into my screen time.
AM: After all, only a fool would kill off their own character.
KK: I heard that!
AM: Heh. You were supposed to.
AoT: Chaos ensues. The crowd makes a run for the various exits.
AM: Villain man reloads calmly. Mutant guys hits the ground as guards rush to cover Martha.
AoT: Villain guy takes a shot at mutant guy and scores a hit.
AM: One of the guards yells for the EMTs. Several guards pull their guns and wave them around hoping to spot the attacker.
AoT: The EMT's rush in and put Martha and the mutant guy on stretchers. Villain guy smiles and craws for an exit.
AM: Big meeting.
AoT: Lex, "I'm disappointed. I'd hoped we could come to a mutual understanding."
AM: Kahloe, "Don't lie Lex. You can't wait to show your strength. You hoped for this. You're going to enjoy it, aren't you?"
AoT: The goon, "Yeah? I'm sure you'll get over it."
AM: Lex, "I'm sure I will." Lex pauses.
AoT: Kahloe smiles, knowing what is coming.
AM: "Now."
AoT: The PAS attack with lightning speed. Hasaad's men who aren't slaughtered flee in a panic.
AM: Bittleman and Lois get caught in the cross fire.
AoT: Lois saves Bittleman's ass and gets them out of the room safely.
ED: Yes!
AM: Crane shot of Lex and Kahloe admiring their handiwork. Kahloe claps in admiration. Hope walks from body to body checking for pulses and taking weapons. Occasionally she finds a live one. And shoots him. Kahloe, "How does it feel to finally be the good guy, Lex?"
AoT: "It feels good."
AM: Flirty, "I bet, since the good guy always gets the girl."
AoT: Lex studies her for a second, not sure what to say.
AM: "Oh, come on, Lex. I've been in your mind. You can't hide your feelings from me."
AoT: "That's ancient history."
AM: Kahloe chuckles, "All those women... and the only one you never got over... was the lonely high school outcast."
AoT: Lex looks away, not wanting to accept the truth.
MR: It's not the truth!!!
AM: The truth? You can't handle the truth!
JG: Oh, good one, Allison.
AM: Kahloe kisses him. Then as she stares into his eyes, "It's hardly surprising, though. We always were so much alike."
ED: I think a lot of people are going to be surprised. I mean like that ever happened.
AoT: Erica, did you ever wonder why the first "Lois" didn't work out?
ED: What do you mean? I didn't know that was another Lois.
MR: [to AoT] Ixnay on the oriLay.
AoT: Michael, I think she deserves to know.
JG: I agree with Michael. That's a really, really, bad idea.
ED: What do I deserve to know?
KK: Didn't you think it was strange that all the scenes without you, me, or Jensen were already in the can and ready to go when you showed up?
ED: [shrugs] I thought it was bad scheduling. And since you and Jenson started filming the same time I did...
MR: Kristen, don't do this! Please.
KK: You're the one who the started it, Michael! Besides, what have I got to loose?
ED: What? Started what?
KK: Re-introducing season 3.5.
ED: 3.5? Heh. [pause. ED's turns serious] But that's just a conspiracy theory we all joke about. Al and Miles have sworn it never happened. Repeatedly.
JG: Erica is right.
MR: It never happened. Ever. And even if it had [significant look at AM] Allison would have to be insane to dredge it back up.
AM: Or very, very angry.
ED: So there really is a season 3.5?
MR: I swear, Erica, let sleeping dogs lie. Trust me on this. You don't want to get involved.
AoT: I'll tell you all about it after the reading, dear.
AM: Outside the conference center. Lois and Bittleman take a moment to rest outside the scene of the "crime". They're still in staff uniforms. "We have no proof, no photos, no tapes, and someone stole my new Italian suit! Bravo, Jasmine. This is truly a spectacular day in the history of modern journalism."
AoT: "At the Inquisitor..."
AM: "Yeah, the Inquisitor would probably turn it into some alien conspiracy story, slap a stock photo of everyone's favorite extraterrestrial on the cover and run the headline 'LuthorCorp stops E.T. from phoning home' without an inkling of what actually happened or a shred or evidence to back it up. But you're not at the Inquisitor anymore, Dorthy. You walk into Kahn's office without the facts to back your story up and she'll hand you your head on a silver platter."
AoT: Lois pulls out an alien gun. "Well, we do have this."
AM: Scoffing, "What the hell is that? A toy gun?"
AoT: Lois tucks it in her purse, "I don't know what it is. We'll take it to my dad's friend a S.T.A.R. labs."
AM: "Cue the music because here comes the general's daughter!" Ted hums the presidential march, "Bum bum ba bum bum bum ba bum ba bum bum. Seriously, Barbie, I hope you plan on putting your dad's name down for your next by line because you haven't shown me you could connect the dots on the back of a Pizza Hut kids menu without the help of someone from daddy's Rolodex."
AoT: The EMTs roll the stretchers into an ambulance behind the meeting hall and slam the doors.
AM: Martha and mutant guy's bodies dissolve.
AoT: Pan up to show Chloe sitting next to Martha. Martha thanks Chloe.
AM: Cue up "Lean on me."
AoT: Momma Kent is about to sing!
MR: You've got to be kidding me.
AM: It's just a little musical background for the last couple of scenes. It's not the end of the world.
MR: No, Lex falling in love with Chloe is the end of the world. I tell you the end times are upon us!
continued...
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part V)
AM: Martha's office. The CoS takes a call and tells Martha there's someone on the phone for her.
AoT: Still with Lionel Martha asks if the CoS can take a message.
AM: "You might want to take this one."
AoT: "I said take a message."
AM: "It's the President."
AoT: Martha practically craps her pants.
TW: Annette, she better not hit on the President.
AoT: [smiling] Don't worry, she won't.
TW: My God. The President is going to hit on her?
AoT: [guilty smile]
AM: No, we cut that scene.
AoT: What? Why?
AM: Clinton's been out of office almost eight years. Half our audience is too young to get the joke.
AoT: Allison, the President hitting on Martha is not a joke!
TW: Finally, something we can agree on!
AM: Martha and Lionel exit her office building.
MR: Two Martha scenes in a row? What about Lex?
TW: What about Clark?
AoT: I told you Allison gave me lots of screen time.
KK: I swear I'm going to get you, Allison.
AM: As they talk about her upcoming meeting with the President they pass by the Villain of the week.
AoT: Martha mentions that the President thinks her bill might have a lot of merit. Air Force One is going to be waiting for her and mutant guy by the time they get to the airport.
AM: The camera returns to villain guy. He looks extra pissed.
AoT: That night the Villain is cleaning his sniper rifle as he watches CNN footage of Martha...
TW: Three Martha scenes in a row?!?! Allison, have you no shame?
KK: I think the Dallas maneuver answered that question.
AM: You know what, Annette, do we have an extra ten to five seconds for Lana to do a strip tease with the lasso?
AoT: Will it reduce my screen time?
AM: No.
AoT: Sure, why not?
AM: [Writing] Excellent.
AoT: Martha and mutant advocate are exiting the White House.
AM: The correspondent announces that Martha will be back in Metropolis tomorrow morning to hold a joint press conference/town hall meeting with mutant guy.
AoT: Villain puts his cleaned gun down on a table on top of a flyer for Martha's town hall meeting. He turns off the TV.
AoT: The next morning Clark drops by...
TW: Finally!
AoT: ...Chloe's on the way to dig up GreenK.
AM: Sex is explaining to Chloe how Lex fell for Chloe hard back in season 3.5.
MR: Oh, no, he didn't.
AM: Says you. Oh, yeah, and Lana is in the background doing her strip tease.
KK: She is not!
AM: Quick flashback of Lex turning Chloe away and then focusing on Lex's anguish.
MR: What!?!?! There. Was. No. Anguish!
AM: I'm seeing anguish right now, and that's what I want to see when we film.
MR: The hell you will!
AoT: Sex explains that he pushed Chloe away out of fear.
MR: Fear?!?!? This is bullshit!
AM: Chloe is amused.
JG: [Chuckling] She's not the only one.
AM: "You were afraid of me?"
AoT: "You were the one I couldn't fool. I wanted to be the kind man you could love but I knew I couldn't. You had a schoolgirl crush on a man who swooped in and saved your life. But eventually you'd move on. I was afraid that I couldn't."
AM: Chloe looks at him almost unable to believe.
MR: I know I don't believe it.
AoT: "So I pushed you away."
AM: Chloe is confused, "But..."
AoT: She's interrupted by a knock at the door.
AM: She cracks it open to see Clark.
AoT: Clark asks how Chloe is doing.
AM: It's awkward, "OK. How are you?"
AoT: "I'm worried about my mom. She's been getting death threats because of her bill." He hesitates, "Can I come in?"
AM: Chloe hesitates, then "Now's not really the best time, Clark."
AoT: When Clark persists Chloe cracks the door open a bit more and looks behind her. Lois, Bittleman, and Jimmy are sitting at the kitchen table playing cards. Lois smiles at him, "Hey, Smallville!"
AM: Jimmy holds up his drink, "C.K., my man!"
AoT: Clark smiles weakly, "Lois? But I thought..."
AM: Chloe interrupts, "Let me introduce you to Ted Bittleman. He and Lois are, uh, working together."
AoT: Bittleman nods, "Heard a lot about you, Clark!" Lois butts in, "Come on, Chloe, it's your bet!" Then she gives Clark a not so subtle hint, "Don't you have some cows that need milking?"
AM: Jimmy interjects, "Like Pa Kent always said..."
AoT: Lois and Jimmy clink their glasses together, "They're not going to milk themselves."
AM: Clark is surprised, "Jimmy, you never met my..."
AM: Chloe shrugs and looks a Clark guiltily, "I've got to go."
AoT: Clark asks if Chloe is going to make it to Martha's press conference.
AM: "Maybe."
AoT: "She'd like to see you there."
AM: "I'll think about it." Chloe closes the door. When she turns around Lois is dressed in the stripper outfit from Exposed and Bittleman is dressed like a court jester. She smiles at her haniwork.
AoT: Oblivious to her attire, Lois, "What?"
AM: Sex interjects, "Come on, please?"
AoT: Chloe rolls her eyes and then relents. "Oh, all right." Suddenly Jimmy is wearing a wedding dress. Bittleman and Lois wear fluffy bridesmaids dresses. Jimmy asks Lois if she thinks the outfit makes him look fat. Lois tells him, "No, it's very flattering." Sex howls laughing.
AM: Chloe chuckles despite herself.
AoT: Sex studies Jimmy, "What do you see in him, anyway?"
AM: Lois, Bittleman, and Jimmy disappear. She looks seriously at Sex, "He's sweet, honest, and adoring. Everything Lex wasn't."
AoT: Sex almost looks hurt.
AoT: Bittleman and Lois arrive ahead of time at the meeting site.
AM: Bittleman tries to get into the conference area.
AoT: But his biting sarcasm doesn't seem to do much to sway the LexCorp help.
AM: He's thrown out on his ass. Literally.
AoT: Lois holds back a chuckle.
AM: Bittleman stands and dusts off his suit. "I guess that's that."
AoT: Lois holds up a maid and porter's outfit. "This will get us in."
AM: Bittleman takes one look at the uniform and shudders, "Oh, no! Maybe you have a trashy boyfriend at home who enjoys running around in costume but if you think for one second I'm gonna slip into that moth-infected polyester nightmare you have another thing coming!"
AoT: Lois is already changing, "Give it a rest! You'd think I'd asked you to wear the one that comes with tights."
AM: "At least you have the whole sexy french maid thing going." Bittleman eyeing the porter's outfit with horror, "This one's all in primary colors!"
AoT: "Are you going to help get this story or not?"
AM: A pit full of GreenK. Clark checks his watch. It's almost time for the press conference.
AoT: When he hefts the bag of meteor rock over his shoulder it rips open his suit.
AM: He tries to climb out of the pit but cannot. He dials up Chloe but she's not answering her phone.
AoT: He collapses.
AM: Back stage at the town meeting. Villain of the week is scoping the place out.
AoT: Martha asks the CoS if she's seen Clark.
AM: CoS says no.
AoT: Martha looks worried. She calls and we cut to show Clark unable to reach his phone.
AM: When Martha hangs up Lionel recommends that she post-pone the meeting until Clark can get there.
AoT: Martha looks conflicted.
AM: Cut to Lex's big meeting. Lex, "So, where's Hasaad?"
AoT: Hasaad's number two is dismissive. He says they only met with Lex to let Lex know who's boss. Hope gets up and stands between the two of them.
AM: Kahloe, "Tell me, Lex are you always going to let other people fight your battles?" Hasaad's men draw their weapons.
AoT: As cool as a cucumber, Lex says to Hope, "It's OK. I can handle this."
continued...
AoT: Still with Lionel Martha asks if the CoS can take a message.
AM: "You might want to take this one."
AoT: "I said take a message."
AM: "It's the President."
AoT: Martha practically craps her pants.
TW: Annette, she better not hit on the President.
AoT: [smiling] Don't worry, she won't.
TW: My God. The President is going to hit on her?
AoT: [guilty smile]
AM: No, we cut that scene.
AoT: What? Why?
AM: Clinton's been out of office almost eight years. Half our audience is too young to get the joke.
AoT: Allison, the President hitting on Martha is not a joke!
TW: Finally, something we can agree on!
AM: Martha and Lionel exit her office building.
MR: Two Martha scenes in a row? What about Lex?
TW: What about Clark?
AoT: I told you Allison gave me lots of screen time.
KK: I swear I'm going to get you, Allison.
AM: As they talk about her upcoming meeting with the President they pass by the Villain of the week.
AoT: Martha mentions that the President thinks her bill might have a lot of merit. Air Force One is going to be waiting for her and mutant guy by the time they get to the airport.
AM: The camera returns to villain guy. He looks extra pissed.
AoT: That night the Villain is cleaning his sniper rifle as he watches CNN footage of Martha...
TW: Three Martha scenes in a row?!?! Allison, have you no shame?
KK: I think the Dallas maneuver answered that question.
AM: You know what, Annette, do we have an extra ten to five seconds for Lana to do a strip tease with the lasso?
AoT: Will it reduce my screen time?
AM: No.
AoT: Sure, why not?
AM: [Writing] Excellent.
AoT: Martha and mutant advocate are exiting the White House.
AM: The correspondent announces that Martha will be back in Metropolis tomorrow morning to hold a joint press conference/town hall meeting with mutant guy.
AoT: Villain puts his cleaned gun down on a table on top of a flyer for Martha's town hall meeting. He turns off the TV.
AoT: The next morning Clark drops by...
TW: Finally!
AoT: ...Chloe's on the way to dig up GreenK.
AM: Sex is explaining to Chloe how Lex fell for Chloe hard back in season 3.5.
MR: Oh, no, he didn't.
AM: Says you. Oh, yeah, and Lana is in the background doing her strip tease.
KK: She is not!
AM: Quick flashback of Lex turning Chloe away and then focusing on Lex's anguish.
MR: What!?!?! There. Was. No. Anguish!
AM: I'm seeing anguish right now, and that's what I want to see when we film.
MR: The hell you will!
AoT: Sex explains that he pushed Chloe away out of fear.
MR: Fear?!?!? This is bullshit!
AM: Chloe is amused.
JG: [Chuckling] She's not the only one.
AM: "You were afraid of me?"
AoT: "You were the one I couldn't fool. I wanted to be the kind man you could love but I knew I couldn't. You had a schoolgirl crush on a man who swooped in and saved your life. But eventually you'd move on. I was afraid that I couldn't."
AM: Chloe looks at him almost unable to believe.
MR: I know I don't believe it.
AoT: "So I pushed you away."
AM: Chloe is confused, "But..."
AoT: She's interrupted by a knock at the door.
AM: She cracks it open to see Clark.
AoT: Clark asks how Chloe is doing.
AM: It's awkward, "OK. How are you?"
AoT: "I'm worried about my mom. She's been getting death threats because of her bill." He hesitates, "Can I come in?"
AM: Chloe hesitates, then "Now's not really the best time, Clark."
AoT: When Clark persists Chloe cracks the door open a bit more and looks behind her. Lois, Bittleman, and Jimmy are sitting at the kitchen table playing cards. Lois smiles at him, "Hey, Smallville!"
AM: Jimmy holds up his drink, "C.K., my man!"
AoT: Clark smiles weakly, "Lois? But I thought..."
AM: Chloe interrupts, "Let me introduce you to Ted Bittleman. He and Lois are, uh, working together."
AoT: Bittleman nods, "Heard a lot about you, Clark!" Lois butts in, "Come on, Chloe, it's your bet!" Then she gives Clark a not so subtle hint, "Don't you have some cows that need milking?"
AM: Jimmy interjects, "Like Pa Kent always said..."
AoT: Lois and Jimmy clink their glasses together, "They're not going to milk themselves."
AM: Clark is surprised, "Jimmy, you never met my..."
AM: Chloe shrugs and looks a Clark guiltily, "I've got to go."
AoT: Clark asks if Chloe is going to make it to Martha's press conference.
AM: "Maybe."
AoT: "She'd like to see you there."
AM: "I'll think about it." Chloe closes the door. When she turns around Lois is dressed in the stripper outfit from Exposed and Bittleman is dressed like a court jester. She smiles at her haniwork.
AoT: Oblivious to her attire, Lois, "What?"
AM: Sex interjects, "Come on, please?"
AoT: Chloe rolls her eyes and then relents. "Oh, all right." Suddenly Jimmy is wearing a wedding dress. Bittleman and Lois wear fluffy bridesmaids dresses. Jimmy asks Lois if she thinks the outfit makes him look fat. Lois tells him, "No, it's very flattering." Sex howls laughing.
AM: Chloe chuckles despite herself.
AoT: Sex studies Jimmy, "What do you see in him, anyway?"
AM: Lois, Bittleman, and Jimmy disappear. She looks seriously at Sex, "He's sweet, honest, and adoring. Everything Lex wasn't."
AoT: Sex almost looks hurt.
AoT: Bittleman and Lois arrive ahead of time at the meeting site.
AM: Bittleman tries to get into the conference area.
AoT: But his biting sarcasm doesn't seem to do much to sway the LexCorp help.
AM: He's thrown out on his ass. Literally.
AoT: Lois holds back a chuckle.
AM: Bittleman stands and dusts off his suit. "I guess that's that."
AoT: Lois holds up a maid and porter's outfit. "This will get us in."
AM: Bittleman takes one look at the uniform and shudders, "Oh, no! Maybe you have a trashy boyfriend at home who enjoys running around in costume but if you think for one second I'm gonna slip into that moth-infected polyester nightmare you have another thing coming!"
AoT: Lois is already changing, "Give it a rest! You'd think I'd asked you to wear the one that comes with tights."
AM: "At least you have the whole sexy french maid thing going." Bittleman eyeing the porter's outfit with horror, "This one's all in primary colors!"
AoT: "Are you going to help get this story or not?"
AM: A pit full of GreenK. Clark checks his watch. It's almost time for the press conference.
AoT: When he hefts the bag of meteor rock over his shoulder it rips open his suit.
AM: He tries to climb out of the pit but cannot. He dials up Chloe but she's not answering her phone.
AoT: He collapses.
AM: Back stage at the town meeting. Villain of the week is scoping the place out.
AoT: Martha asks the CoS if she's seen Clark.
AM: CoS says no.
AoT: Martha looks worried. She calls and we cut to show Clark unable to reach his phone.
AM: When Martha hangs up Lionel recommends that she post-pone the meeting until Clark can get there.
AoT: Martha looks conflicted.
AM: Cut to Lex's big meeting. Lex, "So, where's Hasaad?"
AoT: Hasaad's number two is dismissive. He says they only met with Lex to let Lex know who's boss. Hope gets up and stands between the two of them.
AM: Kahloe, "Tell me, Lex are you always going to let other people fight your battles?" Hasaad's men draw their weapons.
AoT: As cool as a cucumber, Lex says to Hope, "It's OK. I can handle this."
continued...
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part IV)
AoT: Sex says he thought that was the Ark of the Covenant, not the Holy Grail.
AM: Chloe smiles, "You're right." Suddenly Chloe's image appears next to that of Clark and Lana. Lana's outfit changes to a beautiful wedding gown. Chloe is in one of her frumpy "Chimmy" outfits. Lex appears as a knight and speaks to Clark.
AoT: "You must choose."
AM: Clark looks back and forth between Chloe and Lana.
AoT: "But choose wisely. For as the True Grail will bring you life— the False Grail will take it from you."
JG: So that explains what happened to all Lana's ex-boy friends!
KK: Shut up!
AM: After a moment's hesitation Clark takes Lana's hand causing illusion Chloe to roll her eyes. "Oh, yes. She's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined. This certainly is the woman of my dreams!" He leans in and they kiss. Clark turns to Lex and exclaims joyfully, "It's eternal love!"
AoT: But when he turns back Lana has turned into a demon. She burns Clark in her embrace. He can't pull free.
AM: Clark is panicked, "What? What's happening?"
AoT: The two of them disappear in a huge ball of flame.
AM: Lex, "He chose...poorly."
AoT: Sex interjects, "So is this where we kiss?"
AM: Chloe looks at him oddly, "What?"
MR: Yeah, what?
AM: We'll get there eventually. But for now a new scene.
AoT: When Hasaad's operative gets back to HQ the PAS de-cloaks and tears the place to hell.
AM: The PAS leaves a message from Lex promising assured destruction if Hasaad continues to interfere with LuthorCorp business.
MR: Sweet!
AoT: But Lex believes both sides may have something to offer each other. A meeting time and location is given. The note promises dire consequences if the meeting is ignored.
MR: This is like the greatest episode ever!
KK: It sucks!
TW: You know, Michael, that's what you said at the beginning of Allison's last episode.
AM: I didn't write that episode.
KK: Thank god! Lana probably would have ended up doing the strip tease from Sin City.
AM: The what?
MR: You mean the one with the lasso?
AM: [Pen in hand] Details, please.
MR: Oh, that was good! There was this strip tease scene in Sin City...
AM: [Writing] And Kristen didn't like it?
KK: No. No. [pause] It was great! I loved it!
AM: Then you won't mind if that shows up in the next scene?
KK: [Squirrel face]
AM: [More writing] Excellent. By the way, didn't your mom ever tell you that if you keep making that face some day it's going to freeze that way?
KK: I hate you.
AM: [Chuckles]
KK: [Pleading] Annette?
AoT: What can I say? Allison gave me lots of screen time. And a song.
TW: You're going to be singing?
AoT: Yep.
TW: I can't wait.
MR: It's not Elton is it?
AoT: No. It's good, but it's not Elton.
AM: Speaking of which, on the campaign trail in Smallville Martha makes a stump speech.
AoT: Lovely allusion to Chloe's situation.
AM: Some of the crowd starts to boo her.
AoT: But Martha handles it very professionally.
ED: You mean she body slams them?
AoT: [To AM] I told you that was a good idea!
AM: Yeah, but didn't we decide to nix it since they won't let you do your own stunt work?
AoT: Oh, right. If I can't do the body slamming myself what's the point?
AM: Plus...
AoT: It takes me off the screen and puts my stunt double on. Now I remember.
AM: Show the villain in booing crowd.
AoT: I really wanted Martha to body slam him!
TW: It's probably not smart politics to body slam your constituents.
AoT: Screw smart politics!
AM: Hasaad's warehouse.
AoT: By the time Lois and Bittleman get there it's been trashed.
AM: They try to use their press credentials but are turned them away.
AoT: Lois tells Bittleman she knows something is up.
AM: "Do you really think so? What was it that gave it away, Ariel? The large group of heavily armed men at the door? The threat of violence when they turned us away? Or could it have been the hole where the western wall is traditionally located in most buildings?"
AoT: "Look, I am just saying they are hiding something."
AM: "Wow, with journalistic instincts like that, the future of the Daily Planet is safe and secure. I mean, I just noticed the smoke and flames and fire engine and men in those adorable oxygen masks and thought someone could have left the oven in the break room on. Thank you sweet baby Jesus, Lois freakin’ Lane is here to make sure we don’t miss anything."
ED: You know, when we made our deal this wasn't exactly what I had in mind, Annette.
AoT: Like I said, snappy dialogue. Lois notices the same operative exit the smoldering building. "Are you done? Because I've got work to do." She heads off after Hasaad's man.
AM: Bittleman just stands there.
AoT: Lois turns to Bittleman, "You coming?"
AM: Bittleman heaves a huge sigh before following, cursing under his breath every step of the way.
AM: Martha's office. Lionel dresses down her CoS. How could she let Martha make that speech?
AoT: Martha comes out in her defence. It was Martha's decision. Based on Lionel's negative reaction Martha asks if he's there to leave death threats too.
AM: Lionel sees that Martha is upset and tries to comfort her.
JG: Is there sex?
MR: Why would there be Sex? Chloe isn't in the scene.
JG: Real sex, you idiot, not your cheap imitation!
AoT: Nope. No sex.
TW: Thank goodness.
AM: Yet.
TW: Oh, no.
AM: Ha! Just kidding.
TW: Whew!
JG: Dammit!
AoT: Bittleman and Lois on the trail of Hasaad's right hand man.
AM: He's scoping out a conference center.
AoT: "I wonder why he's checking out that building."
AM: "Maybe he wants to get away from all the annoying noise in Metropolis. I can relate."
AoT: "Don't be a wise-ass, I think he is casing the place. I bet there is going to be a meeting of 'the Dons'".
AM: "'The Dons?' What is this, 1930’s Chicago? Have you even read a newspaper that has headlines other than ‘Elvis Stole my Bat-Faced Baby?’ That is the absolute dumbest thing I have heard you say today, that let me tell you, that is a pretty impressive accomplishment. I do not think you could -"
AoT: As Bittleman rants, Hope comes up and talks to the gang member. "Wait... isn’t that Lex Luthor’s personal assistant?"
AM: "And then you – what?"
AoT: "You were saying about my stupid theory?"
AM: "You might be on to something after all, newbie. Chalk it up to beginner's luck."
AoT: "We need to get into that meeting."
AM: "Whoa. Slow down sister. Sneak into Lex Luthor's meeting? Thanks, but I prefer having my head attached to my neck. Let's just...."
AoT: "We need proof that Lex is working with these guys, right? We sneak in, grab some evidence, maybe take a photo or two –"
AM: "Get caught, beaten, and shot? I heard he be-headed his ex."
AoT: "I didn't realize they gave sissies Pulitzers. Do you want the story or not?"
AM: "I prefer to stay alive. Heard the saying dead men tell no tales? They don't write news paper articles either."
AoT: "Look twinkle toes, it's painfully obvious you don't want to scuff your fancy Italian leathers..."
AM: "They're already ruined..."
AoT: "So how about I do all the work and you just provide a distraction." Lois grabs his hand and pulls him along. Together they find out that Lex has a conference room reserved for the next day.
continued...
AM: Chloe smiles, "You're right." Suddenly Chloe's image appears next to that of Clark and Lana. Lana's outfit changes to a beautiful wedding gown. Chloe is in one of her frumpy "Chimmy" outfits. Lex appears as a knight and speaks to Clark.
AoT: "You must choose."
AM: Clark looks back and forth between Chloe and Lana.
AoT: "But choose wisely. For as the True Grail will bring you life— the False Grail will take it from you."
JG: So that explains what happened to all Lana's ex-boy friends!
KK: Shut up!
AM: After a moment's hesitation Clark takes Lana's hand causing illusion Chloe to roll her eyes. "Oh, yes. She's more beautiful than I'd ever imagined. This certainly is the woman of my dreams!" He leans in and they kiss. Clark turns to Lex and exclaims joyfully, "It's eternal love!"
AoT: But when he turns back Lana has turned into a demon. She burns Clark in her embrace. He can't pull free.
AM: Clark is panicked, "What? What's happening?"
AoT: The two of them disappear in a huge ball of flame.
AM: Lex, "He chose...poorly."
AoT: Sex interjects, "So is this where we kiss?"
AM: Chloe looks at him oddly, "What?"
MR: Yeah, what?
AM: We'll get there eventually. But for now a new scene.
AoT: When Hasaad's operative gets back to HQ the PAS de-cloaks and tears the place to hell.
AM: The PAS leaves a message from Lex promising assured destruction if Hasaad continues to interfere with LuthorCorp business.
MR: Sweet!
AoT: But Lex believes both sides may have something to offer each other. A meeting time and location is given. The note promises dire consequences if the meeting is ignored.
MR: This is like the greatest episode ever!
KK: It sucks!
TW: You know, Michael, that's what you said at the beginning of Allison's last episode.
AM: I didn't write that episode.
KK: Thank god! Lana probably would have ended up doing the strip tease from Sin City.
AM: The what?
MR: You mean the one with the lasso?
AM: [Pen in hand] Details, please.
MR: Oh, that was good! There was this strip tease scene in Sin City...
AM: [Writing] And Kristen didn't like it?
KK: No. No. [pause] It was great! I loved it!
AM: Then you won't mind if that shows up in the next scene?
KK: [Squirrel face]
AM: [More writing] Excellent. By the way, didn't your mom ever tell you that if you keep making that face some day it's going to freeze that way?
KK: I hate you.
AM: [Chuckles]
KK: [Pleading] Annette?
AoT: What can I say? Allison gave me lots of screen time. And a song.
TW: You're going to be singing?
AoT: Yep.
TW: I can't wait.
MR: It's not Elton is it?
AoT: No. It's good, but it's not Elton.
AM: Speaking of which, on the campaign trail in Smallville Martha makes a stump speech.
AoT: Lovely allusion to Chloe's situation.
AM: Some of the crowd starts to boo her.
AoT: But Martha handles it very professionally.
ED: You mean she body slams them?
AoT: [To AM] I told you that was a good idea!
AM: Yeah, but didn't we decide to nix it since they won't let you do your own stunt work?
AoT: Oh, right. If I can't do the body slamming myself what's the point?
AM: Plus...
AoT: It takes me off the screen and puts my stunt double on. Now I remember.
AM: Show the villain in booing crowd.
AoT: I really wanted Martha to body slam him!
TW: It's probably not smart politics to body slam your constituents.
AoT: Screw smart politics!
AM: Hasaad's warehouse.
AoT: By the time Lois and Bittleman get there it's been trashed.
AM: They try to use their press credentials but are turned them away.
AoT: Lois tells Bittleman she knows something is up.
AM: "Do you really think so? What was it that gave it away, Ariel? The large group of heavily armed men at the door? The threat of violence when they turned us away? Or could it have been the hole where the western wall is traditionally located in most buildings?"
AoT: "Look, I am just saying they are hiding something."
AM: "Wow, with journalistic instincts like that, the future of the Daily Planet is safe and secure. I mean, I just noticed the smoke and flames and fire engine and men in those adorable oxygen masks and thought someone could have left the oven in the break room on. Thank you sweet baby Jesus, Lois freakin’ Lane is here to make sure we don’t miss anything."
ED: You know, when we made our deal this wasn't exactly what I had in mind, Annette.
AoT: Like I said, snappy dialogue. Lois notices the same operative exit the smoldering building. "Are you done? Because I've got work to do." She heads off after Hasaad's man.
AM: Bittleman just stands there.
AoT: Lois turns to Bittleman, "You coming?"
AM: Bittleman heaves a huge sigh before following, cursing under his breath every step of the way.
AM: Martha's office. Lionel dresses down her CoS. How could she let Martha make that speech?
AoT: Martha comes out in her defence. It was Martha's decision. Based on Lionel's negative reaction Martha asks if he's there to leave death threats too.
AM: Lionel sees that Martha is upset and tries to comfort her.
JG: Is there sex?
MR: Why would there be Sex? Chloe isn't in the scene.
JG: Real sex, you idiot, not your cheap imitation!
AoT: Nope. No sex.
TW: Thank goodness.
AM: Yet.
TW: Oh, no.
AM: Ha! Just kidding.
TW: Whew!
JG: Dammit!
AoT: Bittleman and Lois on the trail of Hasaad's right hand man.
AM: He's scoping out a conference center.
AoT: "I wonder why he's checking out that building."
AM: "Maybe he wants to get away from all the annoying noise in Metropolis. I can relate."
AoT: "Don't be a wise-ass, I think he is casing the place. I bet there is going to be a meeting of 'the Dons'".
AM: "'The Dons?' What is this, 1930’s Chicago? Have you even read a newspaper that has headlines other than ‘Elvis Stole my Bat-Faced Baby?’ That is the absolute dumbest thing I have heard you say today, that let me tell you, that is a pretty impressive accomplishment. I do not think you could -"
AoT: As Bittleman rants, Hope comes up and talks to the gang member. "Wait... isn’t that Lex Luthor’s personal assistant?"
AM: "And then you – what?"
AoT: "You were saying about my stupid theory?"
AM: "You might be on to something after all, newbie. Chalk it up to beginner's luck."
AoT: "We need to get into that meeting."
AM: "Whoa. Slow down sister. Sneak into Lex Luthor's meeting? Thanks, but I prefer having my head attached to my neck. Let's just...."
AoT: "We need proof that Lex is working with these guys, right? We sneak in, grab some evidence, maybe take a photo or two –"
AM: "Get caught, beaten, and shot? I heard he be-headed his ex."
AoT: "I didn't realize they gave sissies Pulitzers. Do you want the story or not?"
AM: "I prefer to stay alive. Heard the saying dead men tell no tales? They don't write news paper articles either."
AoT: "Look twinkle toes, it's painfully obvious you don't want to scuff your fancy Italian leathers..."
AM: "They're already ruined..."
AoT: "So how about I do all the work and you just provide a distraction." Lois grabs his hand and pulls him along. Together they find out that Lex has a conference room reserved for the next day.
continued...
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part III)
AM: LuthorCorp.
AoT: Security captures one of Hasaad's operatives at the tail end of a raid.
AM: Lex orders them to let him go.
MR: What!?!? You're going to completely ruin Lex over a personal grudge?
AoT: Relax. Hope objects. "We should use him for leverage," then in a slightly scary voice, "Or information."
JG: I like her more everyday!
AM: Lex tells her to have a PAS trail him in stealth mode.
AoT: See, there's a method to the madness, Michael.
MR: That's not so bad.
AoT: I don't know why you ever doubted us.
MR: Because in the last episode Allison wrote Lois practically single handedly defeated Lex?
JG: Heh. That made me chuckle.
AM: That was Erica's doing, not mine. And trust me, that's not going to happen again.
ED: Besides, Lois didn't do it by herself. She and Zinda were a team.
TW: And Clark helped too!
AoT: Of course he did, dear.
TW: He did!
AM: Helped Chloe lose her promotion, you mean.
AoT: Talk show. Bittleman gets a call.
AM: There was an attack on LuthorCorp property. He tells Lois he knew her idea that mutant man was behind the attacks was "the most hair-brained idea since the CW's "free to be" campaign.
ED: I liked that campaign.
AM: You would.
AoT: As they run out of the studio and hail a cab Bittleman tells Lois to pay attention, she's about to witness a "real" reporter in action.
AM: The barn.
AoT: Martha drops in as Clark tries on his suit.
TW: Why do you do this to me?
AM: He explains his plan to clear all the GreenK from Smallville.
AoT: Martha thinks it's dangerous for Clark. Can't his friends help?
AM: This is Clark's responsibility. He can do it on his own. He asks about Chloe.
AoT: "She doing pretty well, all things considered. You should go see her."
AM: "I've tried." Clark is frustrated, "But she's basically put herself in seclusion. Ever since..." Clark stops.
KK: [Smug] She murdered Lana.
AM: Yeah, right. No body cares about Lana anymore. Or at least Chloe doesn't.
KK: [surprised] What?
AM: Sex made sure of that. Not only did they all forget how she died he helped them realize what an entitled self-serving bitch she'd been her entire life.
MR: Nothing like a little Sex to take your mind off your troubles.
TW: [chuckles]
AM: [rolls her eyes]
KK: That's not the way I wrote it!
AM: Yet you left me with just enough room for re-interpretation.
AoT: "Losing a parent is difficult, Clark. You know as well as anyone. That's why she needs you now more than ever."
AM: Bittleman and Lois in a cab on the way to the attack site.
AoT: Lois spots the operative Lex allowed loose and yells for the cabbie to turn around and follow.
AM: Holding on for dear life Bittleman asks, "I knew Kahn hated me but I didn't think she wanted be dead! Did she know you were a crazy psycho bitch when she paired me up with you!?"
AoT: "That body armor isn't exactly military surplus."
ED: Yes! Lois, as sharp as ever.
AM: "And what does that have to do with... " The cab comes to a screeching halt as traffic comes to a stand still. Bittleman is slammed up against the front seat.
ED: Serves him right, being so rude to Lois.
AoT: As Bittleman curses like a sailor Lois jumps out of the cab pulling Bittleman out behind her.
AM: The operative enters an old warehouse a couple blocks ahead. Lois shouts, "Come on!"
AoT: Bittleman, "You are insane!" He steps into a puddle on the way out of the cab, "And those were brand new shoes!"
AoT: Now for Allison's favorite scene.
AM: Chloe & Sex have more fun at Lana's expense.
KK: How novel.
AM: It starts out innocent enough...
AoT: Lana dressed as a Southern Belle.
AM: And Clark has a mustache.
AoT: "Clark, if you leave where will I go? What will I do?"
MR: I guess she hasn't found her backup boyfriend yet.
KK: Shut up!
AM: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
AoT: Lana cries. Mascara runs.
AM: Chloe and Sex laugh. Oh, and the corset needs to be really tight.
KK: Why?
AM: We have to make it seem like you actually have a chest.
KK: Why I...
AM: Suddenly the scene changes. Clark lies on the floor dreamily staring at the ceiling.
AoT: Lana is up on the ceiling...
KK: Oh no...
AM: And rose petals fall all around her.
KK: I don't think so.
AM: You're definitely going to have to be naked for that one.
KK: I am not!
AoT: Next scene...
AM: This time we're ripping off Goldfinger. Lana is covered in gold paint...
ED: Sounds like a lot of time in the make-up chair.
AM: ...naked.
KK: Allison!
MR: Can she explode?
KK: Michael!
AM: Patience, Michael.
TW: Besides, she'd have to be robotic.
AM: Kristen is playing the part so that goes without saying.
KK: [Stands and approaches AM] That's it!
AoT: [Stands to blocks KK path]
KK: Let me by, O'Toole. This doesn't involve you.
AoT: Allison is my co-author. You want to get to her you have to go through me. [AoT moves forward until she stands toe to toe with KK]
MR, TW, & JG: [Chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
ED: Um... Kristen?
KK: Stay out of this Erica!
ED: You do realize Annette could...
MR: Quiet, Durance! You can take her, Kristen! Go for it!
MR, TW, & JG: [Chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
KK: Before you do this let me remind you that in my next episode Martha could turn back into a pie baking Stepford wife.
AoT: And let me remind you I could snap that twig you call a body in two without breaking a sweat.
KK: [Stands her ground]
AoT: Come on, Kristen. Just give me one reason to do it. It would be... so easy.
KK: [Fear flashes across KK's face for a moment but she hides it quickly. Backing away but still pissed] This is far from over, Mack!
AM: [An evil glint in her eye] You're right, Kristen. It's only just begun.
KK: [gulps, then composes herself] I'm not scared of you!
AM: Good. That's what will make it fun. Now where were we? Right, Chloe asks Sex what it is that everyone sees in Lana.
AoT: Sex hesitates.
AM: Chloe smiles, "Oh, I know."
AoT: Suddenly Lana is dressed like Lara Croft.
MR: But Lara Craft has, like, humongous...
AM: Yup, [to KK] You don't mind prosthetics, do you?
KK: I do.
AM: Hmm, too bad. Her humongous chest starts to glow. Lana looks down and moves to rip open her shirt. Chloe, "The holy grail, so to speak."
AoT: Clark dressed as Indiana Jones yells, "Whatever you do, don't look!" He averts his eyes.
AM: Lana pulls her shirt open and her face is illuminated as she stares at the blinding pink light from her cleavage. Her face at first is blissful. Then suddenly...
KK: I can't believe I'm listening to this.
ED: I can't believe you're going to get to shoot it.
KK: Get to shoot it?
ED: [embarrassed] I mean have to shoot it.
AM: She screams in agony. Here's where we need the squirrel face from before. Chloe freezes the action.
AoT: Sex wonders how anyone could get their face to look like that. Chloe and Sex laugh.
AM: Chloe starts the action up again. Lana's face starts to melt.
AoT: More laughing. Chloe "rewinds" the scene back a second or two.
AM: Lana screams in agony again. This time her head explodes.
MR: But she wasn't naked!
KK: She has her shirt ripped open!
MR: But she's not completely naked.
AM: Maybe we could arrange that...
KK: You are going to die, Rosenbaum!
AM: Chloe and Sex laugh again. Even harder.
KK: There is no way that's going to get through the censors.
AM: Maybe. We'll see.
continued...
AoT: Security captures one of Hasaad's operatives at the tail end of a raid.
AM: Lex orders them to let him go.
MR: What!?!? You're going to completely ruin Lex over a personal grudge?
AoT: Relax. Hope objects. "We should use him for leverage," then in a slightly scary voice, "Or information."
JG: I like her more everyday!
AM: Lex tells her to have a PAS trail him in stealth mode.
AoT: See, there's a method to the madness, Michael.
MR: That's not so bad.
AoT: I don't know why you ever doubted us.
MR: Because in the last episode Allison wrote Lois practically single handedly defeated Lex?
JG: Heh. That made me chuckle.
AM: That was Erica's doing, not mine. And trust me, that's not going to happen again.
ED: Besides, Lois didn't do it by herself. She and Zinda were a team.
TW: And Clark helped too!
AoT: Of course he did, dear.
TW: He did!
AM: Helped Chloe lose her promotion, you mean.
AoT: Talk show. Bittleman gets a call.
AM: There was an attack on LuthorCorp property. He tells Lois he knew her idea that mutant man was behind the attacks was "the most hair-brained idea since the CW's "free to be" campaign.
ED: I liked that campaign.
AM: You would.
AoT: As they run out of the studio and hail a cab Bittleman tells Lois to pay attention, she's about to witness a "real" reporter in action.
AM: The barn.
AoT: Martha drops in as Clark tries on his suit.
TW: Why do you do this to me?
AM: He explains his plan to clear all the GreenK from Smallville.
AoT: Martha thinks it's dangerous for Clark. Can't his friends help?
AM: This is Clark's responsibility. He can do it on his own. He asks about Chloe.
AoT: "She doing pretty well, all things considered. You should go see her."
AM: "I've tried." Clark is frustrated, "But she's basically put herself in seclusion. Ever since..." Clark stops.
KK: [Smug] She murdered Lana.
AM: Yeah, right. No body cares about Lana anymore. Or at least Chloe doesn't.
KK: [surprised] What?
AM: Sex made sure of that. Not only did they all forget how she died he helped them realize what an entitled self-serving bitch she'd been her entire life.
MR: Nothing like a little Sex to take your mind off your troubles.
TW: [chuckles]
AM: [rolls her eyes]
KK: That's not the way I wrote it!
AM: Yet you left me with just enough room for re-interpretation.
AoT: "Losing a parent is difficult, Clark. You know as well as anyone. That's why she needs you now more than ever."
AM: Bittleman and Lois in a cab on the way to the attack site.
AoT: Lois spots the operative Lex allowed loose and yells for the cabbie to turn around and follow.
AM: Holding on for dear life Bittleman asks, "I knew Kahn hated me but I didn't think she wanted be dead! Did she know you were a crazy psycho bitch when she paired me up with you!?"
AoT: "That body armor isn't exactly military surplus."
ED: Yes! Lois, as sharp as ever.
AM: "And what does that have to do with... " The cab comes to a screeching halt as traffic comes to a stand still. Bittleman is slammed up against the front seat.
ED: Serves him right, being so rude to Lois.
AoT: As Bittleman curses like a sailor Lois jumps out of the cab pulling Bittleman out behind her.
AM: The operative enters an old warehouse a couple blocks ahead. Lois shouts, "Come on!"
AoT: Bittleman, "You are insane!" He steps into a puddle on the way out of the cab, "And those were brand new shoes!"
AoT: Now for Allison's favorite scene.
AM: Chloe & Sex have more fun at Lana's expense.
KK: How novel.
AM: It starts out innocent enough...
AoT: Lana dressed as a Southern Belle.
AM: And Clark has a mustache.
AoT: "Clark, if you leave where will I go? What will I do?"
MR: I guess she hasn't found her backup boyfriend yet.
KK: Shut up!
AM: "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."
AoT: Lana cries. Mascara runs.
AM: Chloe and Sex laugh. Oh, and the corset needs to be really tight.
KK: Why?
AM: We have to make it seem like you actually have a chest.
KK: Why I...
AM: Suddenly the scene changes. Clark lies on the floor dreamily staring at the ceiling.
AoT: Lana is up on the ceiling...
KK: Oh no...
AM: And rose petals fall all around her.
KK: I don't think so.
AM: You're definitely going to have to be naked for that one.
KK: I am not!
AoT: Next scene...
AM: This time we're ripping off Goldfinger. Lana is covered in gold paint...
ED: Sounds like a lot of time in the make-up chair.
AM: ...naked.
KK: Allison!
MR: Can she explode?
KK: Michael!
AM: Patience, Michael.
TW: Besides, she'd have to be robotic.
AM: Kristen is playing the part so that goes without saying.
KK: [Stands and approaches AM] That's it!
AoT: [Stands to blocks KK path]
KK: Let me by, O'Toole. This doesn't involve you.
AoT: Allison is my co-author. You want to get to her you have to go through me. [AoT moves forward until she stands toe to toe with KK]
MR, TW, & JG: [Chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
ED: Um... Kristen?
KK: Stay out of this Erica!
ED: You do realize Annette could...
MR: Quiet, Durance! You can take her, Kristen! Go for it!
MR, TW, & JG: [Chanting] Fight! Fight! Fight!
KK: Before you do this let me remind you that in my next episode Martha could turn back into a pie baking Stepford wife.
AoT: And let me remind you I could snap that twig you call a body in two without breaking a sweat.
KK: [Stands her ground]
AoT: Come on, Kristen. Just give me one reason to do it. It would be... so easy.
KK: [Fear flashes across KK's face for a moment but she hides it quickly. Backing away but still pissed] This is far from over, Mack!
AM: [An evil glint in her eye] You're right, Kristen. It's only just begun.
KK: [gulps, then composes herself] I'm not scared of you!
AM: Good. That's what will make it fun. Now where were we? Right, Chloe asks Sex what it is that everyone sees in Lana.
AoT: Sex hesitates.
AM: Chloe smiles, "Oh, I know."
AoT: Suddenly Lana is dressed like Lara Croft.
MR: But Lara Craft has, like, humongous...
AM: Yup, [to KK] You don't mind prosthetics, do you?
KK: I do.
AM: Hmm, too bad. Her humongous chest starts to glow. Lana looks down and moves to rip open her shirt. Chloe, "The holy grail, so to speak."
AoT: Clark dressed as Indiana Jones yells, "Whatever you do, don't look!" He averts his eyes.
AM: Lana pulls her shirt open and her face is illuminated as she stares at the blinding pink light from her cleavage. Her face at first is blissful. Then suddenly...
KK: I can't believe I'm listening to this.
ED: I can't believe you're going to get to shoot it.
KK: Get to shoot it?
ED: [embarrassed] I mean have to shoot it.
AM: She screams in agony. Here's where we need the squirrel face from before. Chloe freezes the action.
AoT: Sex wonders how anyone could get their face to look like that. Chloe and Sex laugh.
AM: Chloe starts the action up again. Lana's face starts to melt.
AoT: More laughing. Chloe "rewinds" the scene back a second or two.
AM: Lana screams in agony again. This time her head explodes.
MR: But she wasn't naked!
KK: She has her shirt ripped open!
MR: But she's not completely naked.
AM: Maybe we could arrange that...
KK: You are going to die, Rosenbaum!
AM: Chloe and Sex laugh again. Even harder.
KK: There is no way that's going to get through the censors.
AM: Maybe. We'll see.
continued...
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part II)
AoT: Sex says they should just turn the TV off.
AM: Sex and Chloe are having tea with Lana and Clark.
KK: I don't think so. Lana is dead.
AM: Chloe is using illusion casting to draw on the TV and to recreate Lana and Clark.
TW: Clever.
MR: What's Lana wearing?
KK: Watch it Rosenbaum!
AM: Glad you asked. There's Lots of humor at the expense of Lana and Clark.
KK & TW: What!?!?
AM: Sorry, Tom. I like Clark as much as the next girl but he's just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
AoT: We call it collateral damage.
AM: Exactly. Clark stares into Lana's eyes, "Hey."
AoT: "Hi, Clark."
AM: Did I mention Lana emits a soft pink glow?
KK: [rolls her eyes]
AM: "You look great."
AoT: Lana notices something on Clark's face, "What's that?"
AM: "Hmm?"
AoT: "On your ear, you've got something."
AM: Cut to Lana's POV. There's something hanging off Clark's ear. Anyone who's seen There's Something about Mary will recognize it immediately.
TW: What!?!?!
AoT: Collateral damage, Tom, Collateral damage.
TW: This is completely unacceptable!
AoT: "Is that tapioca pudding?"
KK: What!?!?!
AM: Hee. Just kidding. Love the squirrel face, though. We'll need that later by the way.
KK: [glares]
AoT: It looks like a gob of...
ED: It's hair gel, right?
AM: [rolls her eyes] Haven't you seen There's Something about Mary?
ED: We rented it but my husband and I ended up making out on the couch for most of the movie.
JG: Yes, it's hair gel, Erica.
ED: I knew it!
AM: Cut to Lana with her hair wild in all directions. She tries to push it into place but it won't budge.
AoT: She's irritated, "What brand of hair gel is this? It's as hard as steel."
MR: Ha! That's hilarious!
AM: Glad you approve. Chloe and Sex get a good laugh out of it too.
KK: It's disgusting!
TW: Agreed. Allison, is that really necessary?
AM: I don't know. Was killing off Moira and Jimmy really necessary?
TW: But...
AM: One thing I do know is necessary is that to get her hair like that Kristen will spend a lot of time in the make up chair. How does 4am sound, Kristen?
JG: Sounds like murder on your hair.
AM: I hadn't thought about that. Bonus!
JG: [Shudders] In fact it might never be the same!
KK: [fearful] Never?
JG: At least until it grows out again.
KK: [Angry] I can't believe you!
AM: Sorry, Kristen. You're my friend so I tried to play nice. I tried to make up. But I'm tired of always being the peacemaker. You wanted to play dirty. So we're going to play dirty.
KK: Don't do something you're going to regret.
AM: [Mocking KK's voice] Don't mess with me and my shinny hair!
KK: Oh, you are so going to regret this, Mack!
AM: Yeah? I'm sure I will but you were going to keep screwing me over anyway. I figured why not have a little fun along the way?
KK: You think you've seen the worst? It can get worse!
AM: Worse than Chloe going mental and killing her own best friend? Worse than manipulating Clark and hording powers? Senselessly killing off her boyfriend? If you can do worse than that bring it on!
KK: I will!
AM: And you'll find my next couple of episodes consist of forty-five minutes of Lana Lang being skewered in various states of undress all carefully written to preclude the use of body doubles!
KK: You wouldn't dare!
AM: [AM narrows her eyes. In a deeply scary voice] Try me.
[TW, MR, and ED scoot their chairs back from AM a few inches. The room is silent for a moment as AM and KK stare each other down.]
ED: Heh. Um. This is when you two apologize to each other and make up, right?
[AM and KK continue to stare at each other. MR shifts uncomfortably in his chair]
ED: Right? [Pause] Hello?
AM: [Continuing to stare down KK.] Switch to Lana filmed in black and white in the shower.
KK: I'm not doing a shower scene.
AM: I say different.
KK: I'm not doing it!
AM: Suddenly someone pulls the shower curtain open. Lana turns and utters a blood curdling scream.
AoT: Quick shots of the bottom of the shower as a think dark liquid mixes with the water. Cue the Psycho music.
AM: Lana continues to scream, "No! Anything but that! Please, I'm begging you!" she starts sobbing, "I'm begging you." Finally she slips and falls. She lies unconscious in the tub.
AoT: The attacker drops his weapon into the tub on top of her and exits the bathroom.
AM: Focus in on it. It's a bottle of pancake syrup. It lies over turned on Lana's chest, syrup flowing out over her skin.
MR: Heh. That's pretty funny.
AM: And sticky.
JG: And it can't be good for your hair.
KK: Take it out.
AM: No.
KK: I said take it out!
AM: No!
[AM and KK glare at each other. ED picks up the refreshment tray and slides it between them.]
ED: Cookie?
MR: [Aside to ED] Back up and stay out of the line of fire.
[ED slowly pulls the tray back. MR takes a cookie.]
MR: Mmmm... oatmeal raisin! [Aside to ED] Just remember, as long as they are focused on each other they can only do minimal damage to us.
AM & KK: [Not taking their eyes off each other] Don't be so sure, Rosenbaum.
MR: [Chokes on his cookie]
AoT: Sex walks into the scene and picks up the syrup bottle. He sticks his finger in and takes a taste. "Mmmm, maple."
AM: Chloe laughs. "I didn't think Lex Luthor had a sense of humor."
AoT: Sex, "There are a lot of things you don't know about Lex Luthor."
AM: Chloe is intrigued, "Really? And what's the most shocking?"
AoT: "He's in love with you."
MR: [Chokes on his cookie again. ED pounds him on the back until it dislodges.] What!?!?
AM: Don't think you're off the hook for teaming up with Kristen last episode. Lex fell head over heels for Chloe in season 3.5.
MR: Bullshit!
ED: [Offering MR the refreshment tray] Here, have a cookie.
MR: [Knocking it out of the way] Get that out of my face! Lex never fell for Chloe!
ED: What happened to staying out of the line of fire?
MR: Suddenly I'm on the front line!
AM: [Finally switching her attention from KK to MR] You brought this on yourself.
MR: I swear to you...
AoT: Don't bother Allison, Michael. No one messes with my co-writer.
MR: But you sided with Kristen too! Why isn't Allison going after Martha?
AM: Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
AoT: And it's prudent to choose the one's you can actually win.
AM: Don't rub it in.
MR: This isn't over, woman!
AoT: [Firmly] Michael? Are you done?
MR: Yes, 'mam. I'm done.
AM: Thank you, Annette. There's a knock at the door. It's Martha Kent.
AoT: Yay!
AM: Clark and Lana disappear. Chloe opens the door and serves tea.
AoT: When Martha brings up real reason for visit -- mutant rights Chloe drops the tea kettle. Martha asks what is wrong.
AM: Chloe tells her it's nothing. She just has to go into her room for a second. Chloe heads into her room and disappears. Turns out the Chloe serving tea was an illusion. The real Chloe comes out.
AoT: Martha tells Chloe that she knows Chloe has been through a lot recently. She wants Chloe to know that this isn't something she has to face alone.
KK: I thought you hated milk and cookies Martha.
AoT: Somebody has to do it. Clark is off digging up green rocks.
TW: He doesn't have to be.
AoT: Jimmy is dead.
AM: Unfortunately.
AoT: And so is Lana.
KK: Fortunately!
AoT: Lois is persona non gratis.
AM: For good reason.
AoT: Who's left?
JG: Lionel.
AM: Heh. Yeah, right.
continued...
AM: Sex and Chloe are having tea with Lana and Clark.
KK: I don't think so. Lana is dead.
AM: Chloe is using illusion casting to draw on the TV and to recreate Lana and Clark.
TW: Clever.
MR: What's Lana wearing?
KK: Watch it Rosenbaum!
AM: Glad you asked. There's Lots of humor at the expense of Lana and Clark.
KK & TW: What!?!?
AM: Sorry, Tom. I like Clark as much as the next girl but he's just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
AoT: We call it collateral damage.
AM: Exactly. Clark stares into Lana's eyes, "Hey."
AoT: "Hi, Clark."
AM: Did I mention Lana emits a soft pink glow?
KK: [rolls her eyes]
AM: "You look great."
AoT: Lana notices something on Clark's face, "What's that?"
AM: "Hmm?"
AoT: "On your ear, you've got something."
AM: Cut to Lana's POV. There's something hanging off Clark's ear. Anyone who's seen There's Something about Mary will recognize it immediately.
TW: What!?!?!
AoT: Collateral damage, Tom, Collateral damage.
TW: This is completely unacceptable!
AoT: "Is that tapioca pudding?"
KK: What!?!?!
AM: Hee. Just kidding. Love the squirrel face, though. We'll need that later by the way.
KK: [glares]
AoT: It looks like a gob of...
ED: It's hair gel, right?
AM: [rolls her eyes] Haven't you seen There's Something about Mary?
ED: We rented it but my husband and I ended up making out on the couch for most of the movie.
JG: Yes, it's hair gel, Erica.
ED: I knew it!
AM: Cut to Lana with her hair wild in all directions. She tries to push it into place but it won't budge.
AoT: She's irritated, "What brand of hair gel is this? It's as hard as steel."
MR: Ha! That's hilarious!
AM: Glad you approve. Chloe and Sex get a good laugh out of it too.
KK: It's disgusting!
TW: Agreed. Allison, is that really necessary?
AM: I don't know. Was killing off Moira and Jimmy really necessary?
TW: But...
AM: One thing I do know is necessary is that to get her hair like that Kristen will spend a lot of time in the make up chair. How does 4am sound, Kristen?
JG: Sounds like murder on your hair.
AM: I hadn't thought about that. Bonus!
JG: [Shudders] In fact it might never be the same!
KK: [fearful] Never?
JG: At least until it grows out again.
KK: [Angry] I can't believe you!
AM: Sorry, Kristen. You're my friend so I tried to play nice. I tried to make up. But I'm tired of always being the peacemaker. You wanted to play dirty. So we're going to play dirty.
KK: Don't do something you're going to regret.
AM: [Mocking KK's voice] Don't mess with me and my shinny hair!
KK: Oh, you are so going to regret this, Mack!
AM: Yeah? I'm sure I will but you were going to keep screwing me over anyway. I figured why not have a little fun along the way?
KK: You think you've seen the worst? It can get worse!
AM: Worse than Chloe going mental and killing her own best friend? Worse than manipulating Clark and hording powers? Senselessly killing off her boyfriend? If you can do worse than that bring it on!
KK: I will!
AM: And you'll find my next couple of episodes consist of forty-five minutes of Lana Lang being skewered in various states of undress all carefully written to preclude the use of body doubles!
KK: You wouldn't dare!
AM: [AM narrows her eyes. In a deeply scary voice] Try me.
[TW, MR, and ED scoot their chairs back from AM a few inches. The room is silent for a moment as AM and KK stare each other down.]
ED: Heh. Um. This is when you two apologize to each other and make up, right?
[AM and KK continue to stare at each other. MR shifts uncomfortably in his chair]
ED: Right? [Pause] Hello?
AM: [Continuing to stare down KK.] Switch to Lana filmed in black and white in the shower.
KK: I'm not doing a shower scene.
AM: I say different.
KK: I'm not doing it!
AM: Suddenly someone pulls the shower curtain open. Lana turns and utters a blood curdling scream.
AoT: Quick shots of the bottom of the shower as a think dark liquid mixes with the water. Cue the Psycho music.
AM: Lana continues to scream, "No! Anything but that! Please, I'm begging you!" she starts sobbing, "I'm begging you." Finally she slips and falls. She lies unconscious in the tub.
AoT: The attacker drops his weapon into the tub on top of her and exits the bathroom.
AM: Focus in on it. It's a bottle of pancake syrup. It lies over turned on Lana's chest, syrup flowing out over her skin.
MR: Heh. That's pretty funny.
AM: And sticky.
JG: And it can't be good for your hair.
KK: Take it out.
AM: No.
KK: I said take it out!
AM: No!
[AM and KK glare at each other. ED picks up the refreshment tray and slides it between them.]
ED: Cookie?
MR: [Aside to ED] Back up and stay out of the line of fire.
[ED slowly pulls the tray back. MR takes a cookie.]
MR: Mmmm... oatmeal raisin! [Aside to ED] Just remember, as long as they are focused on each other they can only do minimal damage to us.
AM & KK: [Not taking their eyes off each other] Don't be so sure, Rosenbaum.
MR: [Chokes on his cookie]
AoT: Sex walks into the scene and picks up the syrup bottle. He sticks his finger in and takes a taste. "Mmmm, maple."
AM: Chloe laughs. "I didn't think Lex Luthor had a sense of humor."
AoT: Sex, "There are a lot of things you don't know about Lex Luthor."
AM: Chloe is intrigued, "Really? And what's the most shocking?"
AoT: "He's in love with you."
MR: [Chokes on his cookie again. ED pounds him on the back until it dislodges.] What!?!?
AM: Don't think you're off the hook for teaming up with Kristen last episode. Lex fell head over heels for Chloe in season 3.5.
MR: Bullshit!
ED: [Offering MR the refreshment tray] Here, have a cookie.
MR: [Knocking it out of the way] Get that out of my face! Lex never fell for Chloe!
ED: What happened to staying out of the line of fire?
MR: Suddenly I'm on the front line!
AM: [Finally switching her attention from KK to MR] You brought this on yourself.
MR: I swear to you...
AoT: Don't bother Allison, Michael. No one messes with my co-writer.
MR: But you sided with Kristen too! Why isn't Allison going after Martha?
AM: Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
AoT: And it's prudent to choose the one's you can actually win.
AM: Don't rub it in.
MR: This isn't over, woman!
AoT: [Firmly] Michael? Are you done?
MR: Yes, 'mam. I'm done.
AM: Thank you, Annette. There's a knock at the door. It's Martha Kent.
AoT: Yay!
AM: Clark and Lana disappear. Chloe opens the door and serves tea.
AoT: When Martha brings up real reason for visit -- mutant rights Chloe drops the tea kettle. Martha asks what is wrong.
AM: Chloe tells her it's nothing. She just has to go into her room for a second. Chloe heads into her room and disappears. Turns out the Chloe serving tea was an illusion. The real Chloe comes out.
AoT: Martha tells Chloe that she knows Chloe has been through a lot recently. She wants Chloe to know that this isn't something she has to face alone.
KK: I thought you hated milk and cookies Martha.
AoT: Somebody has to do it. Clark is off digging up green rocks.
TW: He doesn't have to be.
AoT: Jimmy is dead.
AM: Unfortunately.
AoT: And so is Lana.
KK: Fortunately!
AoT: Lois is persona non gratis.
AM: For good reason.
AoT: Who's left?
JG: Lionel.
AM: Heh. Yeah, right.
continued...
7.07 Repercussions by AM & AoT (Part I)
Martha's bill to protect meteor freaks alienates both the general public and Lionel. Meanwhile Clark attempts to find out why Chloe has placed herself in seclusion.
AM: We start out with Lana.
KK: Didn't you get the memo? Lana is dead.
AM: I know. It's time to start beating a dead horse.
KK: You can't do this! Lana is dead!
AM: Because you had Chloe kill her. Get ready for an episode that's as close to your worst nightmare as you can get!
KK: Do your best.
AM: She's in the shower.
KK: You are so dead!
AoT: Just kidding.
KK: Thank god!
AM: The shower scene is later.
AoT: We start of with Lois.
ED: Sweet!
KK: I thought you were mad at Erica.
MR: Maybe Lois is in the shower.
ED: I haven't done a shower scene in a while.
AM: She's not in the shower!
AoT: She's on the phone...
KK: In the shower.
AoT: ...asking Clark to check on Chloe.
KK: So you're not mad at Erica?
AM: Oh, I'm still mad at Erica...
ED: I don't know why...
AM: ... but she's not my immediate concern.
AoT: Besides, Erica and I have an agreement.
TW: Not you too!
AM: Apparently Erica is smarter than I gave her credit for.
AoT: Erica is going to make sure Martha's screen time is maximized any episode she's picked for.
ED: And Annette will make sure Lois doesn't look like a complete idiot any episodes she's picked for.
KK: Dammit, Annette! I never would have picked you for more episodes if I'd known about this!
ED: [Fake smile] Sorry.
KK: Screw you, Durance! And Annette you know this voids our deal!
AoT: [Cracks her knuckles] We can re-negotiate anytime you want, Kreuk.
AM: Clark is working on a makeshift lead lined suit.
KK: He's making it himself? It must look horrendous.
TW: Kristen!
AM: It's going to look a lot like the Superman suit.
TW: Allison!
JG: So it is horrendous.
AM: Sorry, gotta fill that anvil quota somehow. He tells Lois that Martha was going to check on Chloe. Besides, he's sure Chloe is getting plenty of attention from Jimmy.
AoT: Lois informs Clark that Jimmy is MIA...
AM: [to KK] Thanks to you!
AoT: ...which is all the more reason Clark should drop by.
AM: Clark asks why Lois can't check on Chloe.
AoT: "Other than the fact she hates my guts?" Lois adds that she is on the trail of a story.
AM: Pull back to show Bittleman checking his watch. They are back stage at talk show where mutant advocate guy is a guest.
AoT: "I swear, Snow White, if you take any longer on that telephone you might as well drive to whoever you are talking to and bother them in person. At least that way you would be bothering someone other than me, so only one poor soul would suffer the pain of dealing with you, and I could actually do my job, instead of being paid an absurd amount of money to stand here watching you gab. Which you are still doing."
AM: I know Erica sucks at exposition...
ED: I do not!
KK: If she's naked maybe the audience won't notice.
ED: Shut up! [Pause] Wait, was that supposed to be a compliment?
KK: You figure it out.
ED: [Furrows her brow as she concentrates]
AM: Perhaps I did give you too much credit.
ED: [scowls]
AM: But since Chloe is busy doing something else...
MR: Crying, probably.
AM: She's not... [takes a deep breath to calm down] You know what? Why don't we finish this scene and we'll find out what Chloe is up to soon enough.
KK: But speculating is so much more fun.
AM: Bittleman and Lois exposition about rumors of recent attacks on LuthorCorp research facilities.
AoT: Lois thinks it's the work of mutant advocate guy's group.
KK: Idiot.
ED: Hey!
AM: Bittleman,"Oh. My. God. I was completely wrong about you."
ED: See? Lois is growing on him.
AM: "You are even dumber than I imagined. You think the people Lex was trying to frame for his illegal experiments are actually the people going after him? Tell me, newbie, do you ever stop and think before you talk, or do the words just flow out like a river of dumb from the Great Dumb Lakes, feeding into the Dumb-lantic Sea, where breakers of dumb wash up onto the shore?"
ED: What? Annette, what about our agreement?
AoT: The dialogue was too snappy to turn down.
AM: The villain of the week is given the mic
TW: Does he have a name?
AM: Why do you assume it's a he?
TW: Does she have a name?
AM: It's a he.
TW: [rolls eyes]
AM: And no. Instead of asking a question he spews anti-mutant hatred. Security drags the guy kicking a screaming off stage bumping into Lois. She makes a snarky comment about finally finding someone with a shorter fuse than Kahn. End the teaser.
TW: That's a pretty lousy teaser.
AM: I don't know why you're complaining. You were in it.
TW: Sewing? And telling other people to check on Clark's best friend? That the hell is up with that?
AoT: You'll find out soon enough.
TW: The teaser still sucks.
AoT: We come back from the break with the mutant advocate speaking to the audience on the talk show.
MR: Is this supposed to be exciting? Because I'm not getting the exciting vibe.
AM: The excitement will build.
MR: If you say so. Wake me up when that happens, will you?
AoT: Then cut back to a green room where they've sequestored the villain.
AM: In the name of ratings they allow him to continue his anti-mutant diatribe.
AoT: Pull out to reveal someone is watching this on TV. Out of nowhere cartoon style devil horns and tail are drawn on the Villain's image.
AM: We hear Chloe say something dismissive about him.
AoT: Sex...
AM: Hex.
AoT: Hex...
MR: Hex?
AoT: That's Allison's new name for Sex.
MR: Excuse me? Who told you you could rename Sex?
AM: It's my episode. I'll call him whatever I like.
TW: Why Hex?
AM: He's just in Chloe's head... Head Lex... Hex. Plus being stuck with Lex in her head is pretty much a curse.
MR: You should be so lucky to have such a curse!
ED: Why do we have to go and rename him after all this time anyway?
AM: I'm tired of the Sex puns.
TW: I like them.
AoT: Me too. I never approved of Allison's decision to change Sex.
TW: [Chuckles]
AM: [Irritated] See? That's exactly what I'm talking about!
AoT: When I see Michael in that white suit it just screams Sex.
MR: Why thank you.
AM: Annette, we agreed to go with Hex.
AoT: I know, but I just went along for the extra screen time.
MR: You traded Sex for more screen time!?!?
ED: And it's not the first time either.
TW: Hey, watch it! That's my TV mom you're talking about!
AM: [More irritated] This is exactly why we never should have had Sex in the first place!
MR: Having Sex is the best thing we ever did!
TW: [chuckles]
AM: Shut up!
JG: [chuckling] Michael, I think it's safe to say you enjoy Sex a lot more than Allison.
MR: You know what? I can do without Sex if that's the way it has to be.
TW: [Chuckles]
AM: Oh, grow up Tom.
MR: Of course, you know what this means.
KK: I hope it means Allison is going to suffer.
MR: If you insist on calling Sex a curse...
TW: [Chuckles]
MR: I'm going to start referring to Kahloe by her original name.
ED: Hoe?
AM: [Pissed] You wouldn't.
MR: I would.
AM: [Stares daggers at MR for a few seconds] Fine. [Mutters] We can have Sex.
TW: [Suppressing a smile] What was that again, Allison? A didn't quite catch it.
AM: I said we can have Sex.
TW: [Laughs heartily. AM punches him in the arm.] Ow!
KK: Well played, Michael.
MR: Thank you.
continued...
AM: We start out with Lana.
KK: Didn't you get the memo? Lana is dead.
AM: I know. It's time to start beating a dead horse.
KK: You can't do this! Lana is dead!
AM: Because you had Chloe kill her. Get ready for an episode that's as close to your worst nightmare as you can get!
KK: Do your best.
AM: She's in the shower.
KK: You are so dead!
AoT: Just kidding.
KK: Thank god!
AM: The shower scene is later.
AoT: We start of with Lois.
ED: Sweet!
KK: I thought you were mad at Erica.
MR: Maybe Lois is in the shower.
ED: I haven't done a shower scene in a while.
AM: She's not in the shower!
AoT: She's on the phone...
KK: In the shower.
AoT: ...asking Clark to check on Chloe.
KK: So you're not mad at Erica?
AM: Oh, I'm still mad at Erica...
ED: I don't know why...
AM: ... but she's not my immediate concern.
AoT: Besides, Erica and I have an agreement.
TW: Not you too!
AM: Apparently Erica is smarter than I gave her credit for.
AoT: Erica is going to make sure Martha's screen time is maximized any episode she's picked for.
ED: And Annette will make sure Lois doesn't look like a complete idiot any episodes she's picked for.
KK: Dammit, Annette! I never would have picked you for more episodes if I'd known about this!
ED: [Fake smile] Sorry.
KK: Screw you, Durance! And Annette you know this voids our deal!
AoT: [Cracks her knuckles] We can re-negotiate anytime you want, Kreuk.
AM: Clark is working on a makeshift lead lined suit.
KK: He's making it himself? It must look horrendous.
TW: Kristen!
AM: It's going to look a lot like the Superman suit.
TW: Allison!
JG: So it is horrendous.
AM: Sorry, gotta fill that anvil quota somehow. He tells Lois that Martha was going to check on Chloe. Besides, he's sure Chloe is getting plenty of attention from Jimmy.
AoT: Lois informs Clark that Jimmy is MIA...
AM: [to KK] Thanks to you!
AoT: ...which is all the more reason Clark should drop by.
AM: Clark asks why Lois can't check on Chloe.
AoT: "Other than the fact she hates my guts?" Lois adds that she is on the trail of a story.
AM: Pull back to show Bittleman checking his watch. They are back stage at talk show where mutant advocate guy is a guest.
AoT: "I swear, Snow White, if you take any longer on that telephone you might as well drive to whoever you are talking to and bother them in person. At least that way you would be bothering someone other than me, so only one poor soul would suffer the pain of dealing with you, and I could actually do my job, instead of being paid an absurd amount of money to stand here watching you gab. Which you are still doing."
AM: I know Erica sucks at exposition...
ED: I do not!
KK: If she's naked maybe the audience won't notice.
ED: Shut up! [Pause] Wait, was that supposed to be a compliment?
KK: You figure it out.
ED: [Furrows her brow as she concentrates]
AM: Perhaps I did give you too much credit.
ED: [scowls]
AM: But since Chloe is busy doing something else...
MR: Crying, probably.
AM: She's not... [takes a deep breath to calm down] You know what? Why don't we finish this scene and we'll find out what Chloe is up to soon enough.
KK: But speculating is so much more fun.
AM: Bittleman and Lois exposition about rumors of recent attacks on LuthorCorp research facilities.
AoT: Lois thinks it's the work of mutant advocate guy's group.
KK: Idiot.
ED: Hey!
AM: Bittleman,"Oh. My. God. I was completely wrong about you."
ED: See? Lois is growing on him.
AM: "You are even dumber than I imagined. You think the people Lex was trying to frame for his illegal experiments are actually the people going after him? Tell me, newbie, do you ever stop and think before you talk, or do the words just flow out like a river of dumb from the Great Dumb Lakes, feeding into the Dumb-lantic Sea, where breakers of dumb wash up onto the shore?"
ED: What? Annette, what about our agreement?
AoT: The dialogue was too snappy to turn down.
AM: The villain of the week is given the mic
TW: Does he have a name?
AM: Why do you assume it's a he?
TW: Does she have a name?
AM: It's a he.
TW: [rolls eyes]
AM: And no. Instead of asking a question he spews anti-mutant hatred. Security drags the guy kicking a screaming off stage bumping into Lois. She makes a snarky comment about finally finding someone with a shorter fuse than Kahn. End the teaser.
TW: That's a pretty lousy teaser.
AM: I don't know why you're complaining. You were in it.
TW: Sewing? And telling other people to check on Clark's best friend? That the hell is up with that?
AoT: You'll find out soon enough.
TW: The teaser still sucks.
AoT: We come back from the break with the mutant advocate speaking to the audience on the talk show.
MR: Is this supposed to be exciting? Because I'm not getting the exciting vibe.
AM: The excitement will build.
MR: If you say so. Wake me up when that happens, will you?
AoT: Then cut back to a green room where they've sequestored the villain.
AM: In the name of ratings they allow him to continue his anti-mutant diatribe.
AoT: Pull out to reveal someone is watching this on TV. Out of nowhere cartoon style devil horns and tail are drawn on the Villain's image.
AM: We hear Chloe say something dismissive about him.
AoT: Sex...
AM: Hex.
AoT: Hex...
MR: Hex?
AoT: That's Allison's new name for Sex.
MR: Excuse me? Who told you you could rename Sex?
AM: It's my episode. I'll call him whatever I like.
TW: Why Hex?
AM: He's just in Chloe's head... Head Lex... Hex. Plus being stuck with Lex in her head is pretty much a curse.
MR: You should be so lucky to have such a curse!
ED: Why do we have to go and rename him after all this time anyway?
AM: I'm tired of the Sex puns.
TW: I like them.
AoT: Me too. I never approved of Allison's decision to change Sex.
TW: [Chuckles]
AM: [Irritated] See? That's exactly what I'm talking about!
AoT: When I see Michael in that white suit it just screams Sex.
MR: Why thank you.
AM: Annette, we agreed to go with Hex.
AoT: I know, but I just went along for the extra screen time.
MR: You traded Sex for more screen time!?!?
ED: And it's not the first time either.
TW: Hey, watch it! That's my TV mom you're talking about!
AM: [More irritated] This is exactly why we never should have had Sex in the first place!
MR: Having Sex is the best thing we ever did!
TW: [chuckles]
AM: Shut up!
JG: [chuckling] Michael, I think it's safe to say you enjoy Sex a lot more than Allison.
MR: You know what? I can do without Sex if that's the way it has to be.
TW: [Chuckles]
AM: Oh, grow up Tom.
MR: Of course, you know what this means.
KK: I hope it means Allison is going to suffer.
MR: If you insist on calling Sex a curse...
TW: [Chuckles]
MR: I'm going to start referring to Kahloe by her original name.
ED: Hoe?
AM: [Pissed] You wouldn't.
MR: I would.
AM: [Stares daggers at MR for a few seconds] Fine. [Mutters] We can have Sex.
TW: [Suppressing a smile] What was that again, Allison? A didn't quite catch it.
AM: I said we can have Sex.
TW: [Laughs heartily. AM punches him in the arm.] Ow!
KK: Well played, Michael.
MR: Thank you.
continued...
Meet the New Boss, (Not Quite) Same as the Old Boss
as retold by RepairmanBob
(Cast walks in, looks confused. JG and KK walk in together. KK is all smiles. JG looks concerned.)
JG: You need to take this seriously.
KK: Like I care? I am writing episode eight. Anything Allison tries to pull, I can just rewrite.
JG: You did not see her Kristin. Just lock your trailer door until after the reading.
ED: Why are we all here again? I have a party to set up this weekend.
MR: Really? Can I –
ED: No.
MR: But I will –
ED: Maybe next month, Michael. My husband needs some time to cool down.
MR: Wow, I just told him to check out the rack on a chick! Who thought a nuidist would be so up tight?
ED: It was his mom!
MR: It was a complement!
(AM stomps in, looking pissed)
AM: What the hell is going on? I have an episode to finish!
TW: Dawn said we were going to meet the new showrunner.
AoT: New showrunner? What happened to Al and Miles?
JG: There is no reason to go into –
KK: They were fired.
TW: Fired? Again? What did they do this time?
MR: I say they put cameras in Kristin’s trailer again.
KK: That ‘s why I switched trailers with Erica.
JG: I am sure it has nothing to do with –
AM: (scowls at JG) John got them to tank Father Knows Best.
ED: What?
JG: Damnit Allison!
ED: You got my show cancelled?
TW+MR: (exchange an awkward look)
JG: No, those morons got my show cancelled! I just wanted them to screw it up enough for Les to bring me back to save it!
AM: John convinced Al and Miles to add Lana-character to the show.
MR: That would make me stop watching.
JG: Shut up Allison!
ED: But how could they do that? It was on CBS!
MR: (Looks uncomfortable) Yes, that should have been impossible.
JG: I am sure this all just a big misunderstanding.
AM: Someonw misunderstood intellectual property laws, and persuaded Dumb and Dumber that Father Knows Best ripped off Smallville.
ED: No it didn’t!
TW: Yes it did.
ED: No it didn't!
AoT: Yes it did, dear.
JG: I wrote it. It completely ripped off Smallville.
AM: Al and Miles threatened to sue unless they got script approval. As soon as the rest of the cast saw the new Lana-riffic scripts, and they ran back to Battlestar Galactica.
TW: Well, that makes sense.
KK: I wish I could run back to Battlestar Galactica.
ED: Well, the scripts weren’t that bad.
MR: What?
TW: Come again?
ED: (Looks annoyed) Come on, do you all really think I am that dumb? That I had no idea why Father Knows Best was cancelled?
(Cast looks at each other and shrugs)
KK: Pretty much.
MR: I did.
TW: Ditto.
ED: Look, the scripts were just as good as anything Smallville put out last year.
JG: Noooooo! My work, ruined!
ED: But as soon as those prima donnas saw the changes, they started bitching and moaning. “Where is my motivation?” "Why am I in love with Donna?” “Why am I also in love with Donna?” “Didn’t we already do a mind whammy episode?” “My character learned this lesson last week!” "Why doesn't anyone tell Donna she is a bitch?" God! I thought they were professionals!
AM: But you knew Al and Miles trashed the show? Then why did you –
ED: Come back? Al and Miles gave me everything I asked for. I got to write my first episode back –
AM: My episode!
ED: Lois is at the Daily Planet, and I even got Kristin Bell some work. All I had to do was keep quiet about how they wrecked Father Knows Best. (Glares at JG) Of course, I had no idea someone was pushing them to cancel my show!
JG: My show!
AM: Goddamnit! You left the show! You sold us all out and for what?
ED: Nothing personal, Allison. I just did what was best for me and for my character. You of all people should understand that.
AM: (Stands up) You dirty, treacherous, lying –
MR+JG+TW: Fight, fight, fight!
(Bryan Singer walks in smiling. AM sits down, mutters about script changes for her next episode.)
BS: How are you all doing today! Glad to meet you all! I am a big fan of Superman! Have you all seen the Richard Donner Superman movies? I love them! I made my own Superman movie!
TW: (To MR) He seems very energetic.
MR: (To TW) Or he drinks more coffee than Allison.
BS: I think we will all work great together! I want to get Smallville back to the basics. Get back to what motivates the characters, and put on some great television. I love television. Have you ever seen House? I am the executive producer of House. Great show.
ED: (to KK) What is he talking about?
KK: (To ED) I am really not sure.
BS: Did you see the first two X-Men movies? Great films. I love movies about comic book characters. You have no idea how excited I am about doing a television show about Superman! Did I mention how much I like the Donner movies?
JG: (To AoT) He keeps mentioning those damn movies.
AoT: (To JG) Are the parents in those movies?
JG: (To AoT) I don’t believe so.
AoT: (To JG) Oh, dear.
BS: I will look forward to talking with you all soon. I want to make a big bang and get some media attention for the fall sweeps, folks. Make an impact right away, get those ratings up and get people talking about Smallville.
TW: (To MR) Has he ever seen Smallville?
MR: (To TW) Clearly not.
BS: Just remember, I love Superman! See you all soon! (Walks out.)
(Cast is in shock)
TW: Well…
MR: Umm…
ED: That was certainly…
AM: Interesting.
KK: Was Lana in the Superman movies?
AoT: I played Lana in Superman Three!
KK: Did Donner do that one?
AoT: Sadly, no.
KK: (Smiles) Then I’m happy.
Next
(Cast walks in, looks confused. JG and KK walk in together. KK is all smiles. JG looks concerned.)
JG: You need to take this seriously.
KK: Like I care? I am writing episode eight. Anything Allison tries to pull, I can just rewrite.
JG: You did not see her Kristin. Just lock your trailer door until after the reading.
ED: Why are we all here again? I have a party to set up this weekend.
MR: Really? Can I –
ED: No.
MR: But I will –
ED: Maybe next month, Michael. My husband needs some time to cool down.
MR: Wow, I just told him to check out the rack on a chick! Who thought a nuidist would be so up tight?
ED: It was his mom!
MR: It was a complement!
(AM stomps in, looking pissed)
AM: What the hell is going on? I have an episode to finish!
TW: Dawn said we were going to meet the new showrunner.
AoT: New showrunner? What happened to Al and Miles?
JG: There is no reason to go into –
KK: They were fired.
TW: Fired? Again? What did they do this time?
MR: I say they put cameras in Kristin’s trailer again.
KK: That ‘s why I switched trailers with Erica.
JG: I am sure it has nothing to do with –
AM: (scowls at JG) John got them to tank Father Knows Best.
ED: What?
JG: Damnit Allison!
ED: You got my show cancelled?
TW+MR: (exchange an awkward look)
JG: No, those morons got my show cancelled! I just wanted them to screw it up enough for Les to bring me back to save it!
AM: John convinced Al and Miles to add Lana-character to the show.
MR: That would make me stop watching.
JG: Shut up Allison!
ED: But how could they do that? It was on CBS!
MR: (Looks uncomfortable) Yes, that should have been impossible.
JG: I am sure this all just a big misunderstanding.
AM: Someonw misunderstood intellectual property laws, and persuaded Dumb and Dumber that Father Knows Best ripped off Smallville.
ED: No it didn’t!
TW: Yes it did.
ED: No it didn't!
AoT: Yes it did, dear.
JG: I wrote it. It completely ripped off Smallville.
AM: Al and Miles threatened to sue unless they got script approval. As soon as the rest of the cast saw the new Lana-riffic scripts, and they ran back to Battlestar Galactica.
TW: Well, that makes sense.
KK: I wish I could run back to Battlestar Galactica.
ED: Well, the scripts weren’t that bad.
MR: What?
TW: Come again?
ED: (Looks annoyed) Come on, do you all really think I am that dumb? That I had no idea why Father Knows Best was cancelled?
(Cast looks at each other and shrugs)
KK: Pretty much.
MR: I did.
TW: Ditto.
ED: Look, the scripts were just as good as anything Smallville put out last year.
JG: Noooooo! My work, ruined!
ED: But as soon as those prima donnas saw the changes, they started bitching and moaning. “Where is my motivation?” "Why am I in love with Donna?” “Why am I also in love with Donna?” “Didn’t we already do a mind whammy episode?” “My character learned this lesson last week!” "Why doesn't anyone tell Donna she is a bitch?" God! I thought they were professionals!
AM: But you knew Al and Miles trashed the show? Then why did you –
ED: Come back? Al and Miles gave me everything I asked for. I got to write my first episode back –
AM: My episode!
ED: Lois is at the Daily Planet, and I even got Kristin Bell some work. All I had to do was keep quiet about how they wrecked Father Knows Best. (Glares at JG) Of course, I had no idea someone was pushing them to cancel my show!
JG: My show!
AM: Goddamnit! You left the show! You sold us all out and for what?
ED: Nothing personal, Allison. I just did what was best for me and for my character. You of all people should understand that.
AM: (Stands up) You dirty, treacherous, lying –
MR+JG+TW: Fight, fight, fight!
(Bryan Singer walks in smiling. AM sits down, mutters about script changes for her next episode.)
BS: How are you all doing today! Glad to meet you all! I am a big fan of Superman! Have you all seen the Richard Donner Superman movies? I love them! I made my own Superman movie!
TW: (To MR) He seems very energetic.
MR: (To TW) Or he drinks more coffee than Allison.
BS: I think we will all work great together! I want to get Smallville back to the basics. Get back to what motivates the characters, and put on some great television. I love television. Have you ever seen House? I am the executive producer of House. Great show.
ED: (to KK) What is he talking about?
KK: (To ED) I am really not sure.
BS: Did you see the first two X-Men movies? Great films. I love movies about comic book characters. You have no idea how excited I am about doing a television show about Superman! Did I mention how much I like the Donner movies?
JG: (To AoT) He keeps mentioning those damn movies.
AoT: (To JG) Are the parents in those movies?
JG: (To AoT) I don’t believe so.
AoT: (To JG) Oh, dear.
BS: I will look forward to talking with you all soon. I want to make a big bang and get some media attention for the fall sweeps, folks. Make an impact right away, get those ratings up and get people talking about Smallville.
TW: (To MR) Has he ever seen Smallville?
MR: (To TW) Clearly not.
BS: Just remember, I love Superman! See you all soon! (Walks out.)
(Cast is in shock)
TW: Well…
MR: Umm…
ED: That was certainly…
AM: Interesting.
KK: Was Lana in the Superman movies?
AoT: I played Lana in Superman Three!
KK: Did Donner do that one?
AoT: Sadly, no.
KK: (Smiles) Then I’m happy.
Next
Prelude to Repercussions
[Al & Miles office.]
AG: I can't believe it!
MM: I can't believe it either!
[AM bursts in.]
AM: You're not going to believe this!
AM & MM: They...
[pause]
AM & AG: She...
[pause]
MM: You go first Allison. Your news can't be any worse than ours.
AM: The hell it can't! They killed Moira!
AG: Who?
AM: Chloe's mom! Kristen killed off Moira!
MM: Wasn't she already dead?
AM: No, you idiot! She was in a coma! They gave you a fake script! The real one is the worst possible episode of Smallville you can possibly imagine!
AG: It's just Chloe's mom.
AM: They killed off Jimmy too!
MM: Jimmy? I kind of liked Jimmy.
AM: So you'll make them change it, right? I think we should make them film the episode they turned in!
AG: I don't think that's going to happen, Allison.
AM: What?
MM: That's not going to happen. I think they're going to get what they want.
AM: They can't!
AG: Unfortunately they can.
AM: But... but...
[MM & AM at the same time]
AM: Kristen killed Lana.
MM: Dawn fired us.
AM & MM & AG: What!?!?!
[Cut to Dawn Ostroff's office.]
DO: I know the Smallville set has a bad reputation but I'm sure they'll welcome you with open arms. To have you at the helm our show... well I'm sure it's just about any Superman fan's dream...
[Al & Miles office. AM looks around at the half packed boxes. AG & MM look over at their poster of Lana.]
[AG & MM & AM at the same time]
AM: You were fired!?!!?
AG & MM: They killed Lana!?!?
AM & MM & AG: This is terrible!!!!
AG: That is the worst possible episode of Smallville I could imagine!
[Cut to DO's office.]
DO: Now remember, while the official story is your predecessors were booted because they got the show sued... again... only you know the true story. Let's try to keep it that way.
[Al & Miles office.]
AM & MM & AG: We have to fix this!!!!
AG: Maybe she's not really dead. She can come back next episode!
AM: Oh, she's dead.
MM: So they found the body?
AM: Um... yeah. Both pieces.
AG: [weeping] They cut Lana in half?
MM: [weeping] How could that happen?
AM: Chloe... um... chopped Lana's head off.
MM: Oh, I knew Chloe was trouble.
AG: What a bitch!
AM: Hello, guys! Focus here. The writers did this.
MM: Right, right.
AG: What are we going to do?
JG: [from the doorway] There's nothing you can do.
[Cut to DO's office.]
DO: While I honestly don't know how the legal action is going to shake out... Mr. Moore actually has a pretty good case against us... based on your reputation I'm sure you'll have everything else all under control soon enough.
[Al & Miles office.]
AG: John, how could you do this to us?
JG: How could I do this to you? You cost me my job. So I cost you yours.
MM: Wait, we didn't cost you your job.
AM: What are you talking about, John?
JG: I'm talking about Father Knows Best!
AG: [Nervous] Heh. We didn't get that show cancelled.
JG: Curious. I never said you did.
AM: You got Erica's show cancelled?!?
JG: That's my show, Allison!
MM: [Nervous too] We just, you know, offered some creative input.
JG: [Angry] You claimed it was your intellectual property and then forced them to add some Mary Sue girl next door named Donna for everyone to fall in love with!
AM: Donna?
AG: That's exactly what the show was missing... [MM smacks AG] OW!
MM: Shut up, Al.
AM: But... how did that get the show cancelled?
JG: Well Erica didn't think it was so bad but all of Ron's old people... they'd been on a good show before. All the hard work it took to recruit them... down the toilet. The minute they got a hold of the first episode with Donna they all quit and went back to Battlestar Galactica.
AM: So that's what happened!
MM: But why get us fired? You weren't even on the show.
JG: You were supposed to screw it up just enough for them to beg me back on to save it... not ruin it completely!!!!
AM: So wait. What?
JG: Never mind, Allison. Be thankful I didn't let Kristen kill off Chloe.
AM: Forgive me for forgetting to thank you for that. I was a little distracted by the fact you and Kristin turned Chloe into a killer!
MM: [Sobs]
AG: Noooo! Laaaannnnaaaa!
AM: You two killed Moira and Jimmy!
MM: [Sobs louder]
AG: Laaaannnnnaaaaa!!!
JG: You don't you want Chloe dead, do you?
AM: The hell with it, and the hell with you! Just remember who is writing the next episode, John.
JG: [Scoffs] Are you threatening me?
[DO's office. Reveal she's been talking with Bryan Singer]
BS: Don't worry Dawn. I have a lot of changes in mind.
AM: [Pushes over one of Al's boxes. Hundreds of stock photos of KK spill out.] I don't give a crap what you think! I don't give a crap about any of this anymore!
JG: [Stops laughing] Allison...
AM: [Moves towards the door] I am tired of playing Mary Fucking Sunshine with a bunch of shelfish inconsiderate jerks! I have had it with all of you assholes! [Stops, looks at giant poster of Lana. Voice drops to a growl.] And most of all, I have had it with her! [Tears down Lana poster.]
MM: Nooooo!
AG: Laaannnnaaaa!
AM: There's a new Allison Mack in town! [Crumples up the poster and throws it to the ground. AG and MM fall to their knees in front of it.] And heads are going to roll! [Storms out of the office]
MM: Poor Lana!
JG: Wait, Allison!
[No response. JG takes out his phone and dials]
JG: Hello, Kristen? Yeah, it's John. You might want to lock your door.
[A loud crash is heard out in the hallway and AM cursing. A male voice shouts "Stop! This locker is off limits." Then the sound of a taser and a man screaming]
JG: And barricade it.
[More cursing from the hall.]
JG: Is there a problem? Heh. You could say that.
MM: [Smoothing out the poster] It's OK Lana. It's going to be OK. I'm here for you.
JG: Yeah. It's Allison. She snapped.
AG: You'll always live on in our dreams.
JG: Funny? Heh. Well it's your funeral... She just tasered the guy guarding the weapons locker.
MM: [Tears in his eys, MM lifts the wrinkled poster and places it back on the wall.] It's going to be OK.
JG: Hello? Kristen? [Hangs up]
[There's another loud crash in the hallway followed by random screams.]
JG: [Shuts the door and locks it.] You don't mind if I wait in here until she calms down do you?
Next
AG: I can't believe it!
MM: I can't believe it either!
[AM bursts in.]
AM: You're not going to believe this!
AM & MM: They...
[pause]
AM & AG: She...
[pause]
MM: You go first Allison. Your news can't be any worse than ours.
AM: The hell it can't! They killed Moira!
AG: Who?
AM: Chloe's mom! Kristen killed off Moira!
MM: Wasn't she already dead?
AM: No, you idiot! She was in a coma! They gave you a fake script! The real one is the worst possible episode of Smallville you can possibly imagine!
AG: It's just Chloe's mom.
AM: They killed off Jimmy too!
MM: Jimmy? I kind of liked Jimmy.
AM: So you'll make them change it, right? I think we should make them film the episode they turned in!
AG: I don't think that's going to happen, Allison.
AM: What?
MM: That's not going to happen. I think they're going to get what they want.
AM: They can't!
AG: Unfortunately they can.
AM: But... but...
[MM & AM at the same time]
AM: Kristen killed Lana.
MM: Dawn fired us.
AM & MM & AG: What!?!?!
[Cut to Dawn Ostroff's office.]
DO: I know the Smallville set has a bad reputation but I'm sure they'll welcome you with open arms. To have you at the helm our show... well I'm sure it's just about any Superman fan's dream...
[Al & Miles office. AM looks around at the half packed boxes. AG & MM look over at their poster of Lana.]
[AG & MM & AM at the same time]
AM: You were fired!?!!?
AG & MM: They killed Lana!?!?
AM & MM & AG: This is terrible!!!!
AG: That is the worst possible episode of Smallville I could imagine!
[Cut to DO's office.]
DO: Now remember, while the official story is your predecessors were booted because they got the show sued... again... only you know the true story. Let's try to keep it that way.
[Al & Miles office.]
AM & MM & AG: We have to fix this!!!!
AG: Maybe she's not really dead. She can come back next episode!
AM: Oh, she's dead.
MM: So they found the body?
AM: Um... yeah. Both pieces.
AG: [weeping] They cut Lana in half?
MM: [weeping] How could that happen?
AM: Chloe... um... chopped Lana's head off.
MM: Oh, I knew Chloe was trouble.
AG: What a bitch!
AM: Hello, guys! Focus here. The writers did this.
MM: Right, right.
AG: What are we going to do?
JG: [from the doorway] There's nothing you can do.
[Cut to DO's office.]
DO: While I honestly don't know how the legal action is going to shake out... Mr. Moore actually has a pretty good case against us... based on your reputation I'm sure you'll have everything else all under control soon enough.
[Al & Miles office.]
AG: John, how could you do this to us?
JG: How could I do this to you? You cost me my job. So I cost you yours.
MM: Wait, we didn't cost you your job.
AM: What are you talking about, John?
JG: I'm talking about Father Knows Best!
AG: [Nervous] Heh. We didn't get that show cancelled.
JG: Curious. I never said you did.
AM: You got Erica's show cancelled?!?
JG: That's my show, Allison!
MM: [Nervous too] We just, you know, offered some creative input.
JG: [Angry] You claimed it was your intellectual property and then forced them to add some Mary Sue girl next door named Donna for everyone to fall in love with!
AM: Donna?
AG: That's exactly what the show was missing... [MM smacks AG] OW!
MM: Shut up, Al.
AM: But... how did that get the show cancelled?
JG: Well Erica didn't think it was so bad but all of Ron's old people... they'd been on a good show before. All the hard work it took to recruit them... down the toilet. The minute they got a hold of the first episode with Donna they all quit and went back to Battlestar Galactica.
AM: So that's what happened!
MM: But why get us fired? You weren't even on the show.
JG: You were supposed to screw it up just enough for them to beg me back on to save it... not ruin it completely!!!!
AM: So wait. What?
JG: Never mind, Allison. Be thankful I didn't let Kristen kill off Chloe.
AM: Forgive me for forgetting to thank you for that. I was a little distracted by the fact you and Kristin turned Chloe into a killer!
MM: [Sobs]
AG: Noooo! Laaaannnnaaaa!
AM: You two killed Moira and Jimmy!
MM: [Sobs louder]
AG: Laaaannnnnaaaaa!!!
JG: You don't you want Chloe dead, do you?
AM: The hell with it, and the hell with you! Just remember who is writing the next episode, John.
JG: [Scoffs] Are you threatening me?
[DO's office. Reveal she's been talking with Bryan Singer]
BS: Don't worry Dawn. I have a lot of changes in mind.
AM: [Pushes over one of Al's boxes. Hundreds of stock photos of KK spill out.] I don't give a crap what you think! I don't give a crap about any of this anymore!
JG: [Stops laughing] Allison...
AM: [Moves towards the door] I am tired of playing Mary Fucking Sunshine with a bunch of shelfish inconsiderate jerks! I have had it with all of you assholes! [Stops, looks at giant poster of Lana. Voice drops to a growl.] And most of all, I have had it with her! [Tears down Lana poster.]
MM: Nooooo!
AG: Laaannnnaaaa!
AM: There's a new Allison Mack in town! [Crumples up the poster and throws it to the ground. AG and MM fall to their knees in front of it.] And heads are going to roll! [Storms out of the office]
MM: Poor Lana!
JG: Wait, Allison!
[No response. JG takes out his phone and dials]
JG: Hello, Kristen? Yeah, it's John. You might want to lock your door.
[A loud crash is heard out in the hallway and AM cursing. A male voice shouts "Stop! This locker is off limits." Then the sound of a taser and a man screaming]
JG: And barricade it.
[More cursing from the hall.]
JG: Is there a problem? Heh. You could say that.
MM: [Smoothing out the poster] It's OK Lana. It's going to be OK. I'm here for you.
JG: Yeah. It's Allison. She snapped.
AG: You'll always live on in our dreams.
JG: Funny? Heh. Well it's your funeral... She just tasered the guy guarding the weapons locker.
MM: [Tears in his eys, MM lifts the wrinkled poster and places it back on the wall.] It's going to be OK.
JG: Hello? Kristen? [Hangs up]
[There's another loud crash in the hallway followed by random screams.]
JG: [Shuts the door and locks it.] You don't mind if I wait in here until she calms down do you?
Next
Trouble Calls
as retold by Ratman
[AG and MM's office. AG and MM are throwing pencils up into the ceiling. The phone rings. AG and MM both dive for the phone, tumbling over each other, AG gets there first, and hits the speakerphone button.]
AG: Hello, Gough and Millar, executive producers of the CW hit show, Smallville, how can I help you?
Ronald D Moore: Hello Al, Miles. How's it going?
AG: [nervous] Oh, hi Ron.
RDM: I missed you guys at the last Director's Guild picnic.
AG: Oh, yeah, well, we were, um, we were....
[AG looks nervously over at MM, who shrugs his shoulders.]
AG: [whispering under his breath] Help me out, here!
MM: [whispering back] I dunno, just make something up!
AG: [aloud] We were, you know, with Lana and the Kryptofreak stalker and the barn scene and all that, you know.
[AG smiles and shoots a thumbs-up to MM. MM rolls his eyes.]
MM: What can we do for you, Ron?
RDM: Well, you see, there's a matter that's been brought to my attention regarding the scripts for your upcoming season.
AG: Oh really?
RDM: Yes, it appears that the two of you are following in your predecessor's footsteps and are requiring me to take legal action against your show again.
AG: Oh, great, what did those fools rip off this time?
RDM: Oh, just the little bit about the main antagonist of the show being goaded on by hallucinations of a sexy blond woman in red, that's all. Sounds awfully familiar, don't you think?
MM: Ron, we don't write the scripts for the show -
RDM: [upset] Don't give me that crap, Miles. You guys are the producers, you're responsible for what happens. Why don't you just fire your writers?
MM: We did already.
RDM: So who wrote this stuff?
AG: The cast.
RDM: Holy crap, are you guys going down that well again? Damn, you two must be desperate.
AG: Tell me about it.
RDM: Anyway, the way I see it, I'll just have to sue your assess so hard that Dawn will have to fire you guys, too. Unless....
MM: [sighs] What do you want, Ron?
RDM: You give me one of your actresses for my show.
AG and MM: [in panicked unison] NOT LANA!
RDM: Who?
AG: We will not give you Lana.
MM: No way, no how, there's no way -
RDM: Which one is Lana? I don't remember her name on the cast list -
AG: She's the beautiful one.
MM: Preternaturally beautiful.
AG: She will be loved.
RDM: Well, tough shit guys, it's the good-looking blonde that I want.
AG: There is no way - wait, did you say blonde?
RDM: Yeah, spunky, hot, great with expositionary dialogue, subtle underlying hard edge. She'll make a perfect Cylon.
AG: [relieved] Oh, you mean Allison.
RDM: Which other actress would I mean? The tall brunette who can't act, or the short brunette who can't act? And as much as I love Annette, we already have our kick-ass matriarchal figure.
MM: [in shock] You spoke poorly of Lana.
AG: He's just jealous of her beauty.
RDM: Whatever. Get the blonde's contract signed over to my network, or I'll sic legal on you, big time. Take care.
[RDM hangs up.]
AG: Crap.
MM: Crap.
AG: Allison's gonna kill us. Literally.
MM: What are we going to do?
[AG and MM stand, deep in thought.]
AG: I got it!
MM: What?
AG: Let's watch Clana fanvids!
MM: Great idea!
[AG pulls open a drawer, and pulls out a DVD with the title "Clana ForEvah disc 14" and pops it into the DVD player. AG and MM settle down into their sofa together.]
AG and MM: Lannaaaaaa....
Next
[AG and MM's office. AG and MM are throwing pencils up into the ceiling. The phone rings. AG and MM both dive for the phone, tumbling over each other, AG gets there first, and hits the speakerphone button.]
AG: Hello, Gough and Millar, executive producers of the CW hit show, Smallville, how can I help you?
Ronald D Moore: Hello Al, Miles. How's it going?
AG: [nervous] Oh, hi Ron.
RDM: I missed you guys at the last Director's Guild picnic.
AG: Oh, yeah, well, we were, um, we were....
[AG looks nervously over at MM, who shrugs his shoulders.]
AG: [whispering under his breath] Help me out, here!
MM: [whispering back] I dunno, just make something up!
AG: [aloud] We were, you know, with Lana and the Kryptofreak stalker and the barn scene and all that, you know.
[AG smiles and shoots a thumbs-up to MM. MM rolls his eyes.]
MM: What can we do for you, Ron?
RDM: Well, you see, there's a matter that's been brought to my attention regarding the scripts for your upcoming season.
AG: Oh really?
RDM: Yes, it appears that the two of you are following in your predecessor's footsteps and are requiring me to take legal action against your show again.
AG: Oh, great, what did those fools rip off this time?
RDM: Oh, just the little bit about the main antagonist of the show being goaded on by hallucinations of a sexy blond woman in red, that's all. Sounds awfully familiar, don't you think?
MM: Ron, we don't write the scripts for the show -
RDM: [upset] Don't give me that crap, Miles. You guys are the producers, you're responsible for what happens. Why don't you just fire your writers?
MM: We did already.
RDM: So who wrote this stuff?
AG: The cast.
RDM: Holy crap, are you guys going down that well again? Damn, you two must be desperate.
AG: Tell me about it.
RDM: Anyway, the way I see it, I'll just have to sue your assess so hard that Dawn will have to fire you guys, too. Unless....
MM: [sighs] What do you want, Ron?
RDM: You give me one of your actresses for my show.
AG and MM: [in panicked unison] NOT LANA!
RDM: Who?
AG: We will not give you Lana.
MM: No way, no how, there's no way -
RDM: Which one is Lana? I don't remember her name on the cast list -
AG: She's the beautiful one.
MM: Preternaturally beautiful.
AG: She will be loved.
RDM: Well, tough shit guys, it's the good-looking blonde that I want.
AG: There is no way - wait, did you say blonde?
RDM: Yeah, spunky, hot, great with expositionary dialogue, subtle underlying hard edge. She'll make a perfect Cylon.
AG: [relieved] Oh, you mean Allison.
RDM: Which other actress would I mean? The tall brunette who can't act, or the short brunette who can't act? And as much as I love Annette, we already have our kick-ass matriarchal figure.
MM: [in shock] You spoke poorly of Lana.
AG: He's just jealous of her beauty.
RDM: Whatever. Get the blonde's contract signed over to my network, or I'll sic legal on you, big time. Take care.
[RDM hangs up.]
AG: Crap.
MM: Crap.
AG: Allison's gonna kill us. Literally.
MM: What are we going to do?
[AG and MM stand, deep in thought.]
AG: I got it!
MM: What?
AG: Let's watch Clana fanvids!
MM: Great idea!
[AG pulls open a drawer, and pulls out a DVD with the title "Clana ForEvah disc 14" and pops it into the DVD player. AG and MM settle down into their sofa together.]
AG and MM: Lannaaaaaa....
Next
7.06 Consequences by KK & JG (Part IX)
as retold by Maniac and PhantomChic
JG: Everybody starts to get up and is looking around confused. Clark spots Hope picking up the piece of kryptonite off the floor. He grabs Chloe and super speeds out of the room.
TW: Wouldn’t somebody see that?
JG: Lex is still staring at Lana’s body and Hope is looking the other way.
TW: So to them Clark and Chloe just disappear?
AoT: After everything else that just happened do you really think that will seem all that crazy?
TW: Good point.
KK: Hope walks over to Lex and they talk about how they have no memory of what just happened. Lex assumes it was Kal-El.
ED: So they don’t even remember all that?
KK: Nothing from the moment Chloe enters till after Sex mind-wiped them.
MR: And that’s why Sex is awesome.
AoT: I can think of a few other reasons.
TW: Can we please not.
KK: Sure Tom. Lex hears Kahloe’s voice: “C’mon Lex, you know what happened.” He looks up and see her leaning in the door frame. “One minute you’re having a surprisingly cordial chat with Lana and the next she’s dead and this place looks like a twister came through. It was Kal-El. Who else could cause this much damage so quickly.”
JG: “Kal-El. But why would he come here?”
KK: “Look at your computer, Lex. Someone has accessed it.” Lex looks at the backwards monitor, the display showing something that should have been deeply encrypted. Hope follows his gaze.
JG: “He must have been after our weapon’s research.”
KK: Hope: “I’ll have all the security protocols changed, Mr. Luthor.”
JG: “But why kill Lana?”
KK: Kahloe shrugs “Maybe he was jealous or just wanted to hurt you. Or maybe it was accident. Whatever the reason, the outcome is the same.”
JG: “Kal-El murdered Lana.”
AM: I wish.
TW: Hey!
KK: We then cut to Clark stopping on an empty road and setting Chloe down.
JG: They too have no memory of what happened, but Clark assumes it was Lex’s fault.
MR: Of course.
TW: Cause Kal-El is so much more probable of an excuse.
KK: Clark can’t believe that Lana is dead.
JG: Chloe talks about how horrible it is to lose her mother and best friend in one day.
KK: Both of which are, of course, her own fault. Not that she remembers killing Lana.
AM: Best Friend!
TW: Seriously, Clark is her best friend.
KK: Yeah, sure Tom. You wish.
MR: Don’t forget her boyfriend is dead too.
KK: She doesn’t know about that yet.
ED: Man, it really sucks to be Chloe.
AM: You have no idea.
JG: The scene ends with Clark looking sadly at Chloe who is staring at the sunset.
TW: Scene? You mean the episode isn’t over yet?
AoT: Like this episode is going to end on Clark and Chloe.
JG: We cut to Lionel’s goon from earlier who is soaking the gloves in bleach and then burning them.
KK: We then cut to him getting out of his car in front of an ally full of stoned guys. He hands them a brown paper bag, while still wearing gloves of course.
JG: As he drives away we see the stoners pulling the hat and coat out of the bag. Followed by the gun and Jimmy’s wallet.
TW: Did he just give a bunch of stoners a loaded gun?
KK: He’s evil. What the hell does he care?
JG: Besides, he’s making sure that when the cops investigate they’ll think these guys did it.
MR: Won’t they be able to identify the goon though?
KK: They’re stoned. They won’t even remember that someone gave the bag to them, let alone what he looked like.
JG: This goon is getting away scott-free. Which means Lionel is too.
KK: Speaking of which, we go back to the goon who is on his phone. We hear him say “It’s all cleaned up, Sir.”
JG: And we cut to Lionel on the other end of the call. He is grinning and hangs up before walking back into Martha’s office.
KK: He apologizes to Martha and they go back to discussing the bill. Martha ironically talks about how these mutants can use their powers for good.
JG: Lionel counters with how they can be used for evil too. He brings up the idea of making a team of meteor freaks to help police and protect people from the ones who would do harm. He tells her to think about whom she’s protecting.
KK: She puts the bill in a drawer and Lionel walks off seeming satisfied.
JG: After he leaves she pulls out the bill again and stares at it before resolutely picking up a pen.
KK: And go to credits.
TW: I can’t believe this episode is ending with a Lionel and Martha scene.
KK+JG+AoT: Believe it.
AoT: Besides, not counting the teaser that’s how the episode began. Therefore it makes sense to end it there too.
ED: Whatever. I’m just glad that it’s over.
MR: What are you talking about? I love this episode, especially my scenes.
AM: This episode sucks.
MR: Look on the bright side Allison. You got to kill Lana! Do you know how much I wanted Lex to be the one to do that?
AM: [glares at MR]
MR: I’ll stop now.
KK: Well that was fun.
JG: I couldn’t agree more.
[KK and JG get up and walk off smiling]
AM: Are you sure you guys won’t veto this episode?
[MR & AOT look at each other, laugh, and walk out.]
AM: [running out after everyone] You know Al and Miles will never let you get away with all this!
[JG and KK stop, turn around, and then start laughing]
KK: We’ll see Mack. We’ll see.
[KK and JG leave still laughing]
The End.
Castville 7.06 Extra: SEX HAMLET SPEECH
Alas, poor Lana! I knew her, Chloe – a girl of infinite selfishness, of most egocentric manipulations. She hath bored me with her tears a thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that whined I know not how oft. Where be your entitlement now? Your demands? Your pedestal? Your flashes of self-righteousness that were wont to set the town at your feet? Not one now to cry over her pancaked parents? Quite boyfriendless? Now get you to my lady’s chamber and tell her, let her decry secrets and lies for years, to this favor she must come. Make her laugh at that.
(Parodies Hamlet V:i lines 190-201)
Next
JG: Everybody starts to get up and is looking around confused. Clark spots Hope picking up the piece of kryptonite off the floor. He grabs Chloe and super speeds out of the room.
TW: Wouldn’t somebody see that?
JG: Lex is still staring at Lana’s body and Hope is looking the other way.
TW: So to them Clark and Chloe just disappear?
AoT: After everything else that just happened do you really think that will seem all that crazy?
TW: Good point.
KK: Hope walks over to Lex and they talk about how they have no memory of what just happened. Lex assumes it was Kal-El.
ED: So they don’t even remember all that?
KK: Nothing from the moment Chloe enters till after Sex mind-wiped them.
MR: And that’s why Sex is awesome.
AoT: I can think of a few other reasons.
TW: Can we please not.
KK: Sure Tom. Lex hears Kahloe’s voice: “C’mon Lex, you know what happened.” He looks up and see her leaning in the door frame. “One minute you’re having a surprisingly cordial chat with Lana and the next she’s dead and this place looks like a twister came through. It was Kal-El. Who else could cause this much damage so quickly.”
JG: “Kal-El. But why would he come here?”
KK: “Look at your computer, Lex. Someone has accessed it.” Lex looks at the backwards monitor, the display showing something that should have been deeply encrypted. Hope follows his gaze.
JG: “He must have been after our weapon’s research.”
KK: Hope: “I’ll have all the security protocols changed, Mr. Luthor.”
JG: “But why kill Lana?”
KK: Kahloe shrugs “Maybe he was jealous or just wanted to hurt you. Or maybe it was accident. Whatever the reason, the outcome is the same.”
JG: “Kal-El murdered Lana.”
AM: I wish.
TW: Hey!
KK: We then cut to Clark stopping on an empty road and setting Chloe down.
JG: They too have no memory of what happened, but Clark assumes it was Lex’s fault.
MR: Of course.
TW: Cause Kal-El is so much more probable of an excuse.
KK: Clark can’t believe that Lana is dead.
JG: Chloe talks about how horrible it is to lose her mother and best friend in one day.
KK: Both of which are, of course, her own fault. Not that she remembers killing Lana.
AM: Best Friend!
TW: Seriously, Clark is her best friend.
KK: Yeah, sure Tom. You wish.
MR: Don’t forget her boyfriend is dead too.
KK: She doesn’t know about that yet.
ED: Man, it really sucks to be Chloe.
AM: You have no idea.
JG: The scene ends with Clark looking sadly at Chloe who is staring at the sunset.
TW: Scene? You mean the episode isn’t over yet?
AoT: Like this episode is going to end on Clark and Chloe.
JG: We cut to Lionel’s goon from earlier who is soaking the gloves in bleach and then burning them.
KK: We then cut to him getting out of his car in front of an ally full of stoned guys. He hands them a brown paper bag, while still wearing gloves of course.
JG: As he drives away we see the stoners pulling the hat and coat out of the bag. Followed by the gun and Jimmy’s wallet.
TW: Did he just give a bunch of stoners a loaded gun?
KK: He’s evil. What the hell does he care?
JG: Besides, he’s making sure that when the cops investigate they’ll think these guys did it.
MR: Won’t they be able to identify the goon though?
KK: They’re stoned. They won’t even remember that someone gave the bag to them, let alone what he looked like.
JG: This goon is getting away scott-free. Which means Lionel is too.
KK: Speaking of which, we go back to the goon who is on his phone. We hear him say “It’s all cleaned up, Sir.”
JG: And we cut to Lionel on the other end of the call. He is grinning and hangs up before walking back into Martha’s office.
KK: He apologizes to Martha and they go back to discussing the bill. Martha ironically talks about how these mutants can use their powers for good.
JG: Lionel counters with how they can be used for evil too. He brings up the idea of making a team of meteor freaks to help police and protect people from the ones who would do harm. He tells her to think about whom she’s protecting.
KK: She puts the bill in a drawer and Lionel walks off seeming satisfied.
JG: After he leaves she pulls out the bill again and stares at it before resolutely picking up a pen.
KK: And go to credits.
TW: I can’t believe this episode is ending with a Lionel and Martha scene.
KK+JG+AoT: Believe it.
AoT: Besides, not counting the teaser that’s how the episode began. Therefore it makes sense to end it there too.
ED: Whatever. I’m just glad that it’s over.
MR: What are you talking about? I love this episode, especially my scenes.
AM: This episode sucks.
MR: Look on the bright side Allison. You got to kill Lana! Do you know how much I wanted Lex to be the one to do that?
AM: [glares at MR]
MR: I’ll stop now.
KK: Well that was fun.
JG: I couldn’t agree more.
[KK and JG get up and walk off smiling]
AM: Are you sure you guys won’t veto this episode?
[MR & AOT look at each other, laugh, and walk out.]
AM: [running out after everyone] You know Al and Miles will never let you get away with all this!
[JG and KK stop, turn around, and then start laughing]
KK: We’ll see Mack. We’ll see.
[KK and JG leave still laughing]
The End.
Castville 7.06 Extra: SEX HAMLET SPEECH
Alas, poor Lana! I knew her, Chloe – a girl of infinite selfishness, of most egocentric manipulations. She hath bored me with her tears a thousand times, and now how abhorred in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it. Here hung those lips that whined I know not how oft. Where be your entitlement now? Your demands? Your pedestal? Your flashes of self-righteousness that were wont to set the town at your feet? Not one now to cry over her pancaked parents? Quite boyfriendless? Now get you to my lady’s chamber and tell her, let her decry secrets and lies for years, to this favor she must come. Make her laugh at that.
(Parodies Hamlet V:i lines 190-201)
Next
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