7.09 Collusion by TW and ED (Part II)

as retold by Bill C

TW: We cut from the FoS to the usual exterior shot of LutherCorp, then to a panning shot across Lex's office. It's been cleaned up since Chloe's little...tantrum...
[AM shakes her head]
TW: ...but some of the windows are still boarded up and so on.
ED: Lex is sitting at his desk when the pan ends, and Hope is sitting on the corner of it. Hope is talking about Lex's contact at STAR Labs forwarding some information to her about a weapon which was brought to them a few days ago--Lois's gift to them from a couple of episodes back.
MR: I've got a contact? Nice.
TW: My idea.
ED: Hope goes on about how it didn't appear to use any known human technology and was more advanced than anything they'd ever seen, and it might even be of alien origin, blah blah blah.
TW: Lex looks suitably interested for most of that. "So we've got someone making superweapons now..."
ED: "Up until now, we knew that the mutants simply had inherent powers of their own. This can't be something one of them cooked up..."
TW: Kahloe's voice is heard before we see her lean into the shot, behind Lex's chair. "It has to be Kal-El. No doubt he has allies we haven't seen yet."
MR: Yeah, allies with six-packs and great hair.
AM: Wait. What's Kahloe wearing?
ED: Why?
AM: Humor me.
ED: Uhh...Tom, did we decide on that?
TW: The red minidress and the fishnets.
AM [sighs]: Again?
TW: This time it's sort of deliberate.
ED: I pushed for a sports bra and short-shorts.
AM: For chrissakes, Erica...
ED: It was different!
AM [rubbing her temples]: And even sluttier than the minidress.
AoT: If we have to be different, I know somebody at Victoria's Secret--I could make a call...
AM: Twist that knife some more, Annette, I think I can still feel things.
TW: Anyway--
JG: But she does have a point. It would still be different...
TW: Anyway, Hope asks Lex what he wants her to do next.
[ED clears her throat]
TW [glances at ED]: ...oh, come on.
ED: Hey, it's in the script.
TW: Fine. Hope asks Lex what he wants her to do next, in a slightly sexy "Anything else?" sort of way.
MR [nods]: Hey, I approve. Lex needs more women on his jock.
ED: Kahloe is playing with Lex's head by this point.
MR: Heeeeey...
ED: Not like that. "No playing with the hired help, Lex."
AM: Dammit, Michael, now you put that idea into my head! [smacks herself in the forehead a few times] Unclean! Unclean!
MR: But Chloe's already played with that--
AM: Don't you dare, Rosenbaum.
TW: Lex shakes his head and is about to say "no" but is interrupted by a noise from outside the office.
ED: Kind of a "shoomp."
TW: And then a gust of wind blows open the office doors. Some papers fly around, that sort of thing.
MR: My girlfriend's back and I'm gonna be in trouble?
TW: ...no.
ED: Both Hope and Lex stand up, and we switch to one of those over-the-shoulder shots as someone walks into the office. Whomever it is is wearing a dark gray suit, and they have lots of hair.
JG: God, you can't even refer to Lionel by name now?
ED: The person gets halfway into the office and stops. Hope folds her arms and looks annoyed.
TW: Lex. "I'm sorry, but I'm in the middle of something. Hope, please show the man out."
ED: The person speaks, and it's a man. Sexy accent. "I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have gotten lost. I'm looking for Lex Luthor."
AM: We got John Cleese?
AoT: Wait a minute. The only guy this season who speaks with an accent is that guy... [snaps fingers a few times] What's his name...?
TW: We're gettting there, Annette. Lex frowns at the man and replies, "Well, that would be me. I am Lex Luthor, but I really am quite busy--"
ED: "I think we have something to discuss, actually. Something critically important to both of us...to both our worlds."
TW: Lex pauses. Kahloe actually looks puzzled. "Worlds?"
ED: This is where the camera does that pan around the person so we can see who it is. And then we find out that it's [recites from script] "Special Guest Star James Callis."
JG [shocked]: What?
MR [surprised]: James Callis? As in Baltar?
JG [through his teeth]: As in Father Knows Best?
TW: Right, that's him...okay, good, Michael, that's the surprised face we want when we shoot this.
AM [muttering]: Dammit, that's why Kahloe's in the red again.
JG [shaking a fist]: Oh, for God's sake! Why him--Welling, you son of a bitch...
AoT: Okay, how did they get him to agree to do this show?
ED: I'm not sure. Supposedly he's between shooting sessions over on Battlestar Galactica--
AoT: No, dear. How did they get him to do this show?
ED: Above scale pay. So then he says, "My name, Mr. Luthor, is Hasaad."
AoT [snaps fingers]: Right! That guy!
ED: "I hope you have time to...fit me in."
AM: Hold on a minute. So not only do we have Baltar, but we have Baltar being gay?
JG [talking to himself angrily]: Out of all the bastards with accents they could have gotten...they get him? Christ, why not Patrick Stewart or Clive Owen or--
ED: Hey, I suggested Clive Owen!
TW: You did not.
ED: Well, I damn sure should have!
TW [sighs]: We couldn't afford Clive Owen even if we wanted him, Erica. We cut briefly to Lex looking surprised, of course, and then back to Hasaad as he says, "We need to discuss...Kal-El."
ED: And we hit credits.

to be continued...