7.09 Collusion by TW and ED (Part XIII)

as retold by Bill C

ED: And, finally...we cut to Lex, who is sitting in a chair in front of the fireplace at home. He's got a drink in one hand and a framed picture of Lana in the other.
MR: So Lex is becoming an alcoholic and Kristen is still getting paid. What a world.
TW: And then Lex's phone rings. He answers it...Michael?
MR: Hey, keep going. You do a good me.
JG: Bow chicka bwow...oh, wait, I thought you said he does you good. My fault.
MR: I said he does...a good... [pauses] Shut up.
TW [clears throat]: Okay. It's a one-sided conversation anyway, but Lex gets increasingly annoyed as it goes on. "Yes? Okay, what did you find out? Wait, what? The server with the recordings was completely wiped? How did this happen? Did someone break into the--you're looking into--fine, fine. Get back to me when you can tell me what the hell happened!" And he hangs up.
ED: Kahloe is sitting in a chair across from Lex.
AM: Wearing what?
ED: Annette, we might need that friend of yours at Victoria's Secret after all.
AM: Oh, hell no...
ED: I don't mean full slutwear, Allison. Something tasteful, lacy, and skimpy.
AM: Tom, are you going to let her do this?
TW [sheepishly]: My original idea was an oversized Smallville High Physical Education Department T-shirt.
MR: Hey, that sounds cute. Can I vote for that one?
AM [shakes her head]: I don't have the words. I just don't.
ED: Anyway. Kahloe shrugs. "Let her go, Lex. Just let her go."
TW: "Right. My wife gets killed in my office, possibly with two witnesses, and nobody can prove anything one way or the other beyond the fact that she was killed. Yeah, I'll get right on forgetting that."
ED: "She never deserved you. She never deserved your love or anything else you gave her then--and she certainly doesn't deserve your tearful remembrances now." Kahloe laughs bitterly. "Maybe a check and a brass watch, for services rendered, but nothing more than that."
MR: Meeeooow.
AM: From zero to bitch in two episodes?
AoT: Seeing Lana's ghost would bring out the bitch in anybody.
TW: "You saw her, Chloe. She was right there..."
ED: Kahloe smiles, a sad little smile. "I'm not Chloe, Lex. It would certainly be easier if I was, but I'm not."
TW: Lex considers that for a moment. "If I really wanted to consider it, I would probably assume you're a brain tumor just waiting for the right moment to kill me...that happens to manifest itself as a hallucination."
ED: "I'm not here to kill you, either. I'm just here for you, to help you." Kahloe stretches, in her best slinky fashion. "Any way I can."
TW: Michael, we need your best dry laugh here. "What, until Chloe comes around?"
ED: "Well...yes."
AM: Hell of a place for an interlude.
ED: Isn't it?
TW: Lex frowns. "I never thought I would ever end up with an imaginary girlfriend."
ED: "Imaginary?" Kahloe chuckles. "I wouldn't call myself imaginary. Intangible, perhaps. But unlike your late wife...or Chloe..." Kahloe looks briefly depressed as she says that. "I would call myself...completely and utterly yours."
TW: Lex considers that for a minute. "That could still cover a brain tumor." Then he finishes off his drink in one gulp. "Oddly, I think Dad would approve of you...Chloe."
ED: "Correction: your Chloe."
MR: Wait. Is that...woobie?
TW: Kind of.
MR: So Lex gets woobie with Kahloe?
JG: It's like Desperate Housewives with cranial trauma.
MR: Explains the drinking, though.
ED: Kahloe gets up, walks over and sits down in Lex's lap. "Lex, the security recording would only confirm what you initially thought. What you already knew. Only one person could possibly have done that."
AM: Lone Starr!
TW: No, Allison, not Lone Starr.
AM: I'm bored now, though. Couldn't you drop a giant glob of raspberry jam on them?
ED: Do you really want a jelly-smeared Kahloe and Lex alone in front of a fireplace?
AM [winces]: Ack.
TW: "Kal-El."
ED: "Which brings us back to your new friend, doesn't it? Do you think you can trust him?"
TW: "Not as far as I can throw him...but it increasingly appears that any enemy of Kal-El just might be a friend of mine. And every other human being on Earth."
ED: As Lex says that, we fade to a darkened room somewhere. Hasaad is there, talking into some sort of small cylindrical object as if it was a microphone or a voice recorder. "Contact has been made, verifying that this is the world we were looking for. It should only be a matter of time now. The Kryptonian mistake long ago...it shall be our opening. End of message."
JG: The Kryptonian what?
AoT: And Hasaad is sending a message to whom, his evil overlord?
JG [nods]: There's got to be an evil overlord here. There's always an evil overlord.
TW: No evil overlord, sorry.
JG: Uh huh.
ED: Fade back to Kahloe snuggling into Lex's chest. "Everything will work out, Lex. It has to. As long as you don't take your eyes off Hasaad...or the prize."
TW: "Would that prize be Kal-El...or Chloe?"
ED: Kahloe looks deeply into Lex's eyes. "Like I said, I'm here...and Chloe isn't...but I'm pretty sure the answer to your question is yes." And she kisses him.
AM: I shouldn't even be surprised, but...oh, God, Tom.
TW [points at ED]: That was all her.
AM [frowns at ED]: You suck.
MR: So, wait. Lex is going crazy after all?
TW: No, not--
MR [shakes a fist]: I swear, if I ever see Berman and Braga on the street I'm going to run them over with my car for opening the door for this... [glares at ED] You suck!
ED: .....no, way too easy.
JG: And you walked through that door on your own, bitch, so shut up.
[MR starts to say something, but stops and grumbles instead]
TW: After that we slowly commence with the making out, as Lex manages to put his drink and the picture of Lana on the table next to the couch--the picture is face down--and fade to the end credits.
AM: That's a hell of a way to end the episode, Tom.
MR: The picture part...subtle.
AM: Are you absolutely sure we can't move something back there like, oh, more Chloe flying?
JG: Or flip-flop the last two scenes so it ends with Lionel being a bastard?
TW: Okay, okay, let me take that under consideration... [a second later] No.
JG: Oh, come on...
TW: It started with Clark, so it ends with Lex.
MR: Yeah, but it started with kinda-heroic Clark and ends with kinda-woobie Lex. I'm not sure I like--
AoT: You know what? If Martha's only going to be in two scenes, Lex has to get mushy at the end! [points at TW] Change a thing and I will cut you!
MR: Annette--
AoT [still pointing at TW]: I will cut you!


Next