Heart of Dorkiness (Part VI)

as retold by RepairmanBob & jwm

[BS is meditating in front of Action Comics #1]
BS: “They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good.”
ED: Hi Bryan! How are – what the hell are you doing?
BS: Hi! Erica, what a pleasant surprise! How can I help you?
ED: I thought we could talk about what's ahead for my character this season.
BS: Really? Didn't you know she was killed off?
ED: Heh. Yeah, that. Turns out she wasn't really dead. Allison and...
BS: I hate to break it to you but she's still dead. I already told Allison she can't bring her back.
ED: What?
BS: I'm sure you are nice and all but you're just not needed to tell the story of young Superman.
ED: Firstly it's Smallville and and secondly...
BS: Smallville. I keep forgetting. Well, nice seeing you again, Ms. Durance. [Returns his attention to back to Action Comics #1]
ED: [ED stands there with her mouth open for a minute]
BS: Well, go on. [Yells out the door.] Someone get me three large pizzas! And some soda!
ED: I know some people don't think my character belongs in Smallville but...
BS: Exactly! She's played her role but now it's time to move on with the story. Like I was telling Allison with her gone Chloe can finally let go of the past and embrace her true destiny.
ED: Excuse me?!?! Chloe? What exactly have you and Allison been talking about?
BS: Face it. You were just holding her back.
ED: I can't believe this!
BS: No offense, I'm sure you have your fans but you just don't fit into my plans for the show.
ED: DC won't let you get away with this!
BS: I'm in charge of the film franchise. When I say jump DC asks how high. Hee. I love it when they do that! One day I had them all hoping on one foot!
ED: So you're just going to get rid of Lois Lane?!?! All so Chloe can...
BS: Don't be silly. Who ever said that? I have huge plans for Lois.
ED: Bryan, I play Lois. I am Lois Lane!
BS: Are you sure?
ED: Of course I am sure! I have been playing Lois Lane for three years! I have been nominated for a Saturn!
BS: But, you don’t look like Lois. Lois looks like Kate Bosworth! Short and tiny and petite!
ED: What the hell! You think I’m not Lois because I have hips and breasts?
BS: Of course not!
ED: Well, good, because –
BS: You can’t be Lois because you are so old! I thought you were Chloe's mom. What's her name? Moria?
ED: Moira!
BS: Right! Isn't Moria a Dwarf city or something? Dwarves are cute. Or is that elves? I think maybe elves are the cute ones.
ED: You thought I was Chloe's mom?!?!
BS: Don't you think elves are cute? Will Ferrel was in the funniest movie about elves! Will Ferrel is funny! "My name is Ricky Bobby. If you aren't first, then you're last." Great movie!
ED: Why would you think I was Chloe's mom?
BS: Well Allison just wouldn't shut up about Chloe's mom and what a big deal it was to kill her off. She went on and on and on! I thought she'd drive me crazy! I figured Moira had to be part of the regular cast. Then when somebody mentioned Chloe's mom was played by a sexy but aging star I put two and two together and...
ED: Aging star!?!?! I am 29! I'm Lois Lane! Chloe's cousin! Linda Carter plays Chloe's mom!
BS: Seriously, Erica, there's no reason to be embarrassed about your real age. I think it's just sad when people start celebrating their "29th" birthday over and over again. It's OK if you're in your thirties... or forties.
ED: But I am 29! Really!
BS: What ever you say. The ageism in Hollywood is terrible, isn't it? It can be our little secret.
ED: Seriously, I'm 29!
BS: [Winks] Of course you are! Maybe you're really Chloe's aunt or something. Say! Didn't Lana have an aunt? You could be Lana's aunt! I always thought aunt was a funny word. It's like you're related to insects!
ED: Shut up. Just shut up!
BS: Isn't Linda Carter Wonder Woman?
ED: Bryan...
BS: I heard there is going to be a Wonder Woman movie! I'd like to see that. Maybe I could help you get the part of Wonder Woman's mom? Did you know I made my own super hero movies? Superman. And X-Men. Two of them! I'm going to make another Superman movie!
ED: I am Chloe's cousin! Not her mom. Not her aunt. Her cousin, Lois Lane!
BS: Older cousin, right?
ED: Arrrrggggh!
BS: Yes or no.
ED: Yes. But just by a couple years!
BS: But your skin is so rough and leather-y. [Pokes ED on the cheek]
ED: [Slaps BS's hand away] Stop that! You're going to mess up my make-up I just got out of the make-up chair!
BS: It feels like my cowboy boots. I like cowboy boots! And horses! Did you know Mr. Ed did not really talk on his show? They fed him peanut butter so it just looked like he was talking! I love peanut butter! Booker T. Washington was a genius! King Booker is the best!
ED: Bryan! Stay on topic! I am Lois Lane! Maxim voted me the sexiest Lois ever!
BS: Well, I guess we can think about that. Have you considered anti-aging cream?
ED: No creams! OK, Lois is at the Daily Planet. I want to talk about her -
BS: Clothes! We need to talk about her clothes!
ED: Well, I guess we could -
BS: I want Lois to look classy! Long skirts!
ED: Long skirts?
BS: Yeah, long skirts and high necked blouses like the ones in the Superman movies! Everyone loves those outfits!
ED: [Looks horrified] But they cover up everything!
BS: It will be classy!
ED: It will be horrible! What about bikinis and underwear?
BS: No way! Lois is a classy woman! She must wear long skirts and high necked shirts!
ED: But... but.. I love skimpy clothes! I look good in them! Al and Miles said my breasts were responsible for keeping Smallville above a 3.0 last year!
BS: No skimpy cloths for Lois. She needs to be classy and dignified! [Glances at a poster of Kate Bosworth in a long dress] Lois is a lady! And she is skinny!
ED: She looks like an underfed twelve year old! I just... I need some air. [Walks out, looking shell-shocked.]
BS: Wow. She has a lot of energy for someone so old. [Goes back to meditating in front of Action Comics #1] “They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good.”

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