Heart of Dorkiness (Part IX)

as retold by RepairmanBob

(BS is standing in front of his giant television, fast forwarding through season six of Smallville. DVD boxes and discs are covering every surface of the room)
BS: I have been through all of the episodes. (Clicks remote.) Where the hell is it? (Click.) It has to be here! (Click.) And why the hell is Lana dating Lex? (Click.) Why does Clark keep taking her back? (Click.) What the hell is Lionel doing? (Click.) Why is Chloe dating Jimmy? (Click) And why is Lois so old? (Take of DVD throws it across room.) God damnit! Crappy writing, shoddy special effects, no characterization - this is like watching what Fox and that hack Ratner did to my X-Men movies! Stupid Ratner killed all my characters! It was so bad it made my eyes bleed! (Screams incoherently)
TW: (Walks into office) Hi – Bryan are you OK!
BS: Tom! I am so happy to see you! (Runs over, starts shaking TW’s hand). How are you doing! You play Superman! That is so cool! When I was a little kid, I loved to play Superman! One time I jumped off the room and broke my arm when I was pretending to be Superman! Did you know, from an engineering point of view, it is impossible that a bumblebee can fly? Just like Superman!
TW: Wow, that is –
BS: Do think we can get jet packs for the show? I want jet packs, so we can have you fly! That would be so cool! When I am at home, I wear my underwear over my pants! Plants produce oxygen!
TW: OK…
(DVD starts to play Promise)
TW: (Covers eyes) Turn it off! Turn it off!
BS: But I am watching every episode of Smallville!
TW: Not that one! Please, turn it off!
BS: Fine, fine, I will watch it later. (Turns off DVD.) Listen, I need you help with something Tom.
TW: Sure, as long as I don’t have to watch Promise.
BS: I have been watching Smallville DVDs for days. Where are the episodes where Clark wears his Suit?
TW: Well, Clark tends to dress more in flannel and jeans. He does work on a farm, after all. Now, Lex –
BS: No, no, no, not a suit, The Suit. You know, blue suit, red cape, red boots, crest of the chest. The Suit! I can’t find it anywhere!
TW: Bryan, Clark does not wear the Superman uniform on Smallville.
BS: What?
TW: The point of the show is Clark’s journey towards becoming Superman.
BS: Then why is Lana on the screen so much? Why does Clark spend so much time obsessing over Lana? And why is Clark so dumb? How does that make him more like Superman?
TW: I wish I knew. The point is, when Clark puts on the uniform, he has complete his journey. If Clark is ready to be Superman now, we have no show.
BS: But that is crazy! Everyone knows Superman wears The Suit! A Superman who does not wear his tights and cape is like a Superman who does not fly!
TW: (Looks uncomfortable)
BS: It would just be crazy! Crazy like crazy glue! Sniffing glue is bad! Shaft is one bad mother fucker! Shut you mouth!
TW: Bryan, I need to explain something…
BS: Sure, I – look, a penny! (Picks up penny). How do I keep finding these in my office? Oh, yeah – Superman needs to fly!
TW: Bryan, Clark cannot fly.
BS: (Looks confused) Sure he can! Clark flew in Crusade! And he dressed well! And had decent hair for a change!
TW: I always have good - never mind. That was Kal-El.
BS: But Clark is Kal-El! Kal-El is Clark! And Superman is Clark and Kal-El! It is like a Holy Trinity of Kryptonian Goodness!
TW: You are so going to get us sued again.
BS: Or like Super Neapolitan ice cream! Do you like ice cream (yells out door) Bring Tom and I some ice cream!
TW: Bryan, on Smallville Clark and Kal-El are not the same person. Kal-El was what Clark called himself when the Jor-El AI in the caves brainwashed him. He is a completely different personality from regular Clark.
BS: But Clark remembered how to fly! That is a stupid excuse! Not funny dumb, like early Jim Carrey movies. Frustrating and unbelievable dumb, like more recent Jim Carrey movies. Did you know I punched the director of The Number 23 in the face?
TW: I know it was dumb, but that was what the old writers came up with.
BS: What about Hidden?
TW: Really high jump.
BS: Solitude?
TW: Long jump.
BS: Reckoning?
TW: More of a glide.
BS: Zod?
TW: Lex carries Clark.
BS: Static?
TW: Falling with style.
BS: Phantom?
TW: Bizarro flew. Clark got punched in the air.
BS: (Sits down) This is depressing, Tom. Everyone but Superman can fly. Why can’t Superman fly?
TW: Well, we didn’t have the money to show me flying every week. Even Miles knew Clark would look like a jackass if he could fly, but choose to run around.
BS: But why no Suit?
TW: Well, we tried to foreshadow The Suit. Have you seen how Clark wears his blue shirt and red jacket a lot?
BS: I just thought you had no budget for clothing. It explained why Lois is always running around in her sports bra. That jacket is ass ugly. And I have seen Stephen Baldwin try to act, so I know ugly. Wow, now that I think of it, all the Baldwins are ugly! And not ugly like Ugly Betty, where they make America Ferrera ugly – the Baldwins are just unattractive people. Hey have you every seen Ugly Betty? I love that show!
TW: (Shakes head.) Bryan, we use the blue shirt and the red jacket to foreshadow The Suit. That way, we can hint at what Clark will eventually wear when he becoesm Superman.
BS: That is insane! You could have The Suit, and you wear that horrible red jacket! You are joking right? (Laughs) Wait, tell me you are joking. Please tell me you are joking. You have to be joking. You guys seriously put Clark in the fugly-ass jacket for six years to foreshadow The Suit? (Starts to cry) What is the matter with you people? Have you no decency, sir? Have you no honor?
TW: (Looks uncomfortable) I like the jacket.
BS: (wails) Oh, the Humanity!
TW: I’ll just let myself out. (Walks out of office.)
BS: The Humanity!

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