7.02 Divided by TW and JG (Part I)

as retold by RepairmanBob

Clark is displeased with Chloe's recent career surge. Lex enlists a new ally.

(Cast comes in slowly. AM looks slightly worried, checking her chair for traps. KK is angry, glaring at AM. JG is scowling and muttering. AoT is talking to her husband, totally oblivious to the tension and MR hiding behind her. TW looks very tired.)
TW: Ok, it’s been two weeks folks. It is time to get back to work.
KK: Not as long as she (points to AM) is here.
AM: Come on, Kristin. I said I was sorry.
KK: (Shouts) I don’t care! I was free of this goddamn show, Allison! This is the second time you have brought Lana back from the dead!
AM: But Al and Miles said –
KK: You are not listening! I could have gotten off this fucking show, but you keep dragging me back!
MR: Hey, it’s like just like the Clark and Lana romance! We kill it and kill it, but it keeps coming back!
AM + KK: Shut up!
MR: Man, just trying to add to the conversation.
AoT: (Still talking to husband) No, dear. The writing sessions are always like this.
KK: I refuse to work with her!
TW: (Stands up) Enough, Kristin.
KK: (Turns to TW) Don’t start with me, Tom! You have just as much reason to be pissed off as I do!
TW: Yes, but I can act like a professional.
KK: What?
TW: Kristin, you and John have shut down production for two weeks.
JG: (snickers)
TW: Allison has been hiding in her trailer -
AM: No I haven’t!
TW: Yes, you have. Michael has refused to come on set unless John is searched for weapons at the gate. John has assaulted three interns and a catering guy.
JG: I told him I wanted a coffee with 2 sugars!
TW: And Annette has been spending all of her time with her husband. I have spoken with Dawn. It is time to get back to work.
KK: I refuse to be here unless she (points at Allison) leaves the room.
AM: I have a name.
KK: Fine. I refuse to be here unless Traitorous Bitch leaves the room.
AM: Oh, forget it. (Stands up.)
TW: Sit down, Allison. Kristin, Allison screwed us all.
AM: Hey!
TW: You did, Allison. And I am sure we will all make Chloe suffer in the scripts. But it is time to act like a grown up.
KK: (Stands up, glares at TW) You don’t want to cross me, Tom.
TW: (Stands up, glares at KK) Kristin, you may scare Allison. You may scare Michael.
JG: It’s not hard.
TW: But you don’t scare me. Now get over it, and show some professional pride. We have a show to write.
KK: Get this through your thick skull. The only things I care about is getting off this show and making Traitorous Bitch suffer.
AoT: (still on cell phone) You are right dear. That would make an excellent name for a new WWE Diva.
(TW and KK glare at each other from across the table. The tension builds. Suddenly, the theme song from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly is heard.)
Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh, Wa Wa Waaaaa
MR: What the hell?
Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh, Wa Wa Waaaaa
TW: My cell phone. (Takes out phone, presses a button and sets in on the table without breaking eye contact with KK.) So you refuse to work, Kristin? Is that it?
KK: Yes! You are finally listening! I refuse to do anything until Lana is killed off and Allison suffers for bringing her back!
TW: But what about Lana’s fans? Don’t you think they want to know what happened to her?
KK: I don’t care about the fans! I don’t give a crap what Lana’s fans think! I hate Lana, and I hate anyone who cares about her!
TW: (Smiles) That is what I thought. (Picks up cell phone.)
AM: (Laughs)
KK: What’s so funny, Traitorous –
AM: You, dumbass. Tom just played you, and you fell for it.
KK: (Confused) What are you –
TW: (Hold up phone, presses a button. KK’s voice: I don’t give a crap what Lana’s fans think! I hate Lana, and I hate anyone who cares about her!)
KK: So what? You all know how I feel! Everyone at the network knows!
TW: But your fans don’t know. I wonder how they would react if this got out.
JG: Bravo, Tom!
TW: All that devotion and love, rejected. I wonder how long it would take to start sending in letters?
AM: Or to start calling you, when your cell number was leaked?
AoT: (scribbling notes) I have to call you back, dear. Vince will love these ideas for a new wrestling storyline.
KK: Just try it, Tom, and I will -
TW: (Finally losing temper) You will what, Kristin? Make Clark act like a moron? Make him abduct and force himself on a pregnant woman? Or maybe he can have an affair with a married woman? Hell, we can have Superman beat someone to death! Wouldn’t that be neat!
KK: (slightly taken back) But –
TW: (Raising voice) So tell me, Kristin, after this season, what could you possibly do to make Clark look worse? I am begging you, tell me, because I can’t think of a goddamn thing!
MR: Just relax, Tom.
JG: Kristin, I am sure Tom has a reasonable plan in mind. Don’t you, Tom?
TW: (Calms himself) It is simple. Stop calling Allison Traitorous Bitch. Stop terrorizing the set. Act like a adult, and the tape goes away.
KK: (Continues to glare. No response for one second. Two seconds.) Do I have to be nice to Allison?
AM: Yes.
TW: No.
AM: No?
TW (Still looking at KK) This is all your fault, Mack. I am still not pleased with you.
KK: (Slight smile) Can I make Chloe’s life miserable?
AM: No!
TW: Yes, as long as it fits the needs of the script.
JG: Oh, this will be fun.
KK: (Sits down slowly) I won’t forget this, Tom.
TW: Then I hope we won’t have to repeat the lesson.
MR: What about John terrorizing the set?
JG: Tom and I set up a storyline for Lionel that will keep me busy. Anyway, the caterers now know how I like my coffee.
AoT: (writing) I wonder if I could get a second income from the WWE for providing story ideas?

TW: Reeves Dam. Clark is cleaning up from his fight with Bizarro. Lifting rubble, moving rubble, repairing the bridge -
AM: Blowing our season’s budget on special effects
TW: Being heroic.
JG: Chloe is looking around for something.
AM: What?
MR: Lois’s head?
JG: “Damn it, Lex had a whole lab here. Something must have survived!”
KK: Sadly, it was Lana.
JG: Chloe moves some fallen branches, and finds a vent. “Jackpot!” She tries to pull the vent open, unsuccessfully. “Clark! Get over here!”
TW: Clark runs over. “What is it?”
JG: “A vent. Take see what’s down Lex’s rabbit hole.”
AoT: That sounds more like season one dialogue.
TW: Clark raises an eyebrow, and uses his X-ray vision. He leans in close, then looks groggy.
MR: Superman is sniffing gas fumes. Great message, Tom.
TW: Clark stumbles away, and Chloe grabs his arm. “Clark, are you OK?” Cut to green gas coming out of the vent.
JG: Camera angle goes gown the vent, to a reactor full of GreenK. We see a message on the outside. “Reactor damaged: Initiate fuel purge.” A countdown count starts.
MR: Wait, Lex built a reactor fueled by meteor rocks?
KK: Lex built a laser to make fresh fruit that was fueled by meteor rocks. I can buy a reactor.
AM: Me too.
AoT: Ditto.
MR: Damn, I guess I can, too.
JG: And the credits.

Continued...