Portrait of the Young Man as a Scheming Bastard

As retold by RepairmanBob

MR is sitting in his trailer. He has his feet up, and is watching a television. He picks up his cell phone, and makes a call.

MR: Hey Kristin! So, how do you think the episode went?… Of course I kept Lana out of it! That is what we agreed to, right?… No, Chloe wasn’t too heroic. Do you think Allison seemed happy?… Yes, it hurt when she slapped me! But is was worth it to bring Sex back. That will drive her insane!… (laughs)No, I can’t believe she thought I would try to get “spread your legs” line into the episode either!… Listen, the power stealing idea will be great. Just have her steal some stupid power when you write an episode, and Allison will be pissed off… Super body odor! Perfect! So, you have my back?… Kristin, come on, would I be that stupid? Of course I know what you will do to me if I work with her! Trust me! I’ll talk to you later, ok? (hangs up phone)

MR dials another number.

MR: Hey Allison!… No, I can’t believe they fell for it! But next time, try not to slap me so hard… Of course this is a good idea! We talked about this, someone needed to set the rules for Chloe’s powers before Kristin or John did… Yes, we need Sex and Kahloe. It sets up someone for Chloe to talk to besides Clark and Lois. Think about the dialogue possibilities… Glad you agree. The combined powers will be great. Speaking of which, Kristin was talking about having Chloe take some stupid powers. You might want to think about ideas for glow-in-the dark, making flowers grow and super BO… Of course not! I made that video with the stunt doubles and a guy from the FX department. Where else could I get it from?… OK, I’ve got to go. Glad you liked it. Just remember who helped you when the rest of the cast wouldn’t talk to you, ok? (hangs up phone)

MR watches his video for a little while, then makes another call.

MR: (Using horrible Eastern European accent) Is this John Glover? Is your refrigerator running? Then maybe you should go catch it! Hahahahhahah… (hangs up phone) That never stops being funny.

MR calls someone else.

MR: Hi Annette... Yes, the cast loved the Martha scenes… No, I did not let them change anything… No, I still think we need to hold off putting Martha and Lionel together. What do we have to build to if we do that before sweeps?… Glad to hear it. Tell your husband I said hi. (hangs up phone)

MR takes a deep breath, and suddenly looks much more tired. He makes one last call.

MR: Hi Tom… Yes, they all fell for it. I am now in secret, exclusive alliances with Kristin, Allison and Annette to help their characters in exchange for protecting Lex…. No, you try to make a deal with John! It’s not like he would trust me, anyway… Tom, this won't last. Even if you keep everyone calm during the meetings, I can only play Allison and Kristin off against each other for so long… No, they aren't calming down! Kristin is up to something! And we both know Allison will retaliate!… I am just saying, this is not going to end well. If anything esle goes wrong, we are going completely lose control of the situation… You are right, those two morons are useless. We need a Plan B… What? Really? You have to be kidding me. You really think we can… Wow, that is brilliant. John would be proud. Let’s get together… What, the Chloe / Lex kiss? I told you, I got the stunt doubles… No, of course not! How would I get that?… Yes, yes, I remember the contract. All of the footage was destroyed. Where would I even get it?… Tom, you need to stop reading so many message boards. There is no Season 3.5. There was never a Season 3.5. That was the deal…. Ok, I’ll come over now.

MR hands up, and walks to his entertainment center. He pops out a DVD and smiles.

MR: “Yes, where would I ever get a scene of young Chloe trying to kiss Lex?”

MR Looks at the label of the DVD - Smallville Season 4. Original Episodes 4.01-4.11 (Code Name: Season 3.5) - Master Copy. Property of the WB. Scheduled for Destruction! Do Not View!

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