TW: I don't know what Al & Miles expect. Everybody has their own agenda. There's practically no teamwork anymore. Everyone is at each other's throats. Those two need to go!
ED: I'm sure you'll think of something.
TW: I mean Mike and I still get along but aside from that...
ED: Didn't you and Allison used work together pretty well?
TW: Allison? No body will touch her with a ten foot pole these days.
ED: You're kidding! But Allison is so sweet!
TW: Are we talking about the same woman?
ED: You know what I mean. She can be tough when she needs to be but...
TW: It's not that we have anything against her... well, we do but...
ED: But what?
TW: The minute anyone starts being nice to Allison Kristen starts plotting against them.
ED: But Kristen and Allison are best friends.
TW: Let's just say they had a falling out.
ED: I'm sure they'll make up.
TW: If you say so. What about you? What's going on?
ED: This new job is just awesome!
TW: [Almost envious] Good for you, Erica, good for you.
ED: They're paying me a boat load of money! It's almost obscene! So lunch is my treat.
TW: Thanks.
ED: [excited] You want to see the pilot!?!
TW: Umm... sure?
ED: I have the opening scene on iPod! [Pulls iPod out.] Aren't these things great? [She puts the ear phones on TW, presses a few buttons and hands it over.]
TW: Has your show been moved to HBO?
ED: No. Why?
TW: Everyone is naked.
ED: [Taking back the iPod] What? Oh. Sorry, that's just some home video. [Watches for a few seconds] Isn't my husband a hunk?
TW: I, uh...
ED: Don't answer if it makes you uncomfortable. Ah, there's Annette! I'd forgotten she was there! [Offers iPod to TW] Wanna see?
TW: NO!
ED: OK. Your loss. [Presses a few more buttons] There we go! [Hands the iPod back.]
Cue Card: Father Knows Best Episode I Scene I
[Limousine drives along a back road. In the back sit Leo [Edward James Olmos], Les [James Callis], and Zoe [Kristen Bell]. Leo is a handsome middle aged man. Les, his son is in his mid twenties and already balding. He is reading the Wall Street Journal. Zoe, his illegitimate daughter is a bleach blond in her early twenties. She's reading the New York Times.]
Les: [Pouting] I can't believe you're shacking up with this hardscrabble farm girl and moving us all to the boone docks!
Leo: Les, Zoe, we're almost there. I want you on your best behavior.
Les: [to Zoe] That means no snooping!
Leo: And no whining!
Zoe: [Enthusiastic] I can't wait. This town supposed to be absolutely bizarre! I hear people have all sorts of weird things hidden in their storm cellars.
Leo: Lester is right, Zoe. No snooping in storm cellars!
Zoe: [pouts] You never let me do anything fun! I hate you!
[laugh track]
[The limousine turns down a dirt road.]
Leo: Now children, be nice. Out of the city into the fresh smelling farm air. It will do you good.
Les: You mean the smell of fresh cow pies?
Zoe: [Spotting a handsome young man doing farm work. Angelic music plays. His name is Mark [Jamie Bamber]] Who's that?
Leo: That is Marta's son, Mark.
Zoe: He's cute! [To Les] And he's mine!
Les: Yeah, right!
[The limousine comes to a stop. Zoe scrambles over Les to be the first out]
Zoe: I saw him first!
[Zoe tries to push past Les, pushing him out in the process. They fall in a heap in front of Mark.]
[laugh track]
Mark: [Offering Zoe his hand.] Need some help? [He helps her up.]
Zoe: [Flirts, adjusting her hair] Thanks. [They shake hands] I'm Zoe. [giggles]
Les: Oh, crap!
Leo: What is it son?
Les: [Standing] Bull crap!
Leo: [irritated] No, seriously. What is it?
Les: Literally, dad, I landed in some crap! [Laugh track. Les looks around in frustration. Mark hands him a towel and Les wipes off his hands before bumping Zoe out of the way.] Hi. I'm Les.
Mark: [Refusing to shake Les' hand because it's covered in crap.] Hi, Les.
[Cut to Marta [Mary McDonnell] coming out the farmhouse. She carries a pie plate.]
Marta: Leo! You're early!
Mark: [Enthusiastic] Mom, is that pie!
Marta: [Hugging Leo while balancing the pie] It sure is honey!
Mark: All right!
Les: That's bad news.
Zoe: Why?
Les: Anywhere people get that excited about pie? It's got to be boring as hell.
Mark: Not if it's good pie!
[laugh track]
Marta: Mark loves pie.
Les: I bet they don't even have a symphony here!
Mark: A what?
Zoe: [Jumps in front of Mark, flinging her hair back] I can make pie!
Mark: My mom's pie is the best!
Zoe: [Crestfallen]
Les: [To Zoe] A momma's boy. You've got your work cut out for you.
Zoe: Shut up!
Marta: Doris made it.
Mark: [Crestfallen] Doris?
Zoe: [Worried] Doris? Who's Doris?
[Marta Hands the pie to Mark who takes it very reluctantly. He peeks under the hand towel covering the pie. It's completely black. Mark looks like his dog just died. Laugh track]
Mark: You let her bake again?
Zoe: I can make pie!
[laugh track]
Leo: Who's Doris?
Marta: Oh, just this homeless girl I found by the side of the road.
[laugh track]
[Cut to the farmhouse. Goofy music plays. Doris [Erica Durance] stands in the doorway wearing an apron and hot mitts. She's covered in soot and her hair is wild.]
Doris: Hey guys!
Leo: Where is she staying?
Mark: [Irritated] My room.
Zoe: [Disappointed] Damn!
Les: [To Zoe] Heh. You really do have your work cut out for you!
Zoe: Shut up!
Mark: I've been sleeping on the couch.
Zoe: [to Les] Heh! [Fake sympathy to Mark] That's too bad.
Les: Is there nowhere for us to sleep?
Zoe: [Grabbing Mark's hand and looking at Leo] I can sleep on the couch!
[laugh track]
Leo: Don't worry, I bought one of the local Scottish castles. We're all going to live together there.
Les: A Scottish castle in podunk? That's so lame! We'll be a laughing stock!
Mark: I like castles.
Zoe: Me too!
Doris: Guess what!
Marta: What dear?
Doris: I made everybody dinner!
Marta: [Smiling weakly] That's nice dear.
[Doris goes back inside.]
Zoe: I'd like a look around. [To Mark] Will you take me?
Mark: [Unsure] Um...
Marta: Show her around, OK sweetie? [Firm] Just don't take her in the you know where.
[The sound of an explosion. Show smoke coming out the door and windows of the farm house]
Doris: [Heard from inside] Opps. Mrs. Kant!
[laugh track]
Marta: I better go help her. [Rushes off.]
[Mark and Zoe start to walk]
Les: [Pulls out a Blackberry] Great. No service. You can't even get blackberry here!
Leo: [Looking down at Les' feet] Actually son, I think you found some.
Les: [Looking down with disgust.] Crap!
[laugh track]
[Mark and Zoe walk off hand in hand. Zoe whispers in Mark's ear.]
Mark: I don't know. My mom told me I shouldn't show it to anybody...
Leo: Zoe!
Zoe: [Reluctantly turning to face Leo] Yes, dad?
Leo: Stay out of the storm cellar unless you're invited!
Zoe: [Embarrassed] Dad!
Leo: You heard me.
Zoe: Fine! [Turns to go with Mark] I can't believe that bastard is my father!
[Limousine drives along a back road. In the back sit Leo [Edward James Olmos], Les [James Callis], and Zoe [Kristen Bell]. Leo is a handsome middle aged man. Les, his son is in his mid twenties and already balding. He is reading the Wall Street Journal. Zoe, his illegitimate daughter is a bleach blond in her early twenties. She's reading the New York Times.]
Les: [Pouting] I can't believe you're shacking up with this hardscrabble farm girl and moving us all to the boone docks!
Leo: Les, Zoe, we're almost there. I want you on your best behavior.
Les: [to Zoe] That means no snooping!
Leo: And no whining!
Zoe: [Enthusiastic] I can't wait. This town supposed to be absolutely bizarre! I hear people have all sorts of weird things hidden in their storm cellars.
Leo: Lester is right, Zoe. No snooping in storm cellars!
Zoe: [pouts] You never let me do anything fun! I hate you!
[laugh track]
[The limousine turns down a dirt road.]
Leo: Now children, be nice. Out of the city into the fresh smelling farm air. It will do you good.
Les: You mean the smell of fresh cow pies?
Zoe: [Spotting a handsome young man doing farm work. Angelic music plays. His name is Mark [Jamie Bamber]] Who's that?
Leo: That is Marta's son, Mark.
Zoe: He's cute! [To Les] And he's mine!
Les: Yeah, right!
[The limousine comes to a stop. Zoe scrambles over Les to be the first out]
Zoe: I saw him first!
[Zoe tries to push past Les, pushing him out in the process. They fall in a heap in front of Mark.]
[laugh track]
Mark: [Offering Zoe his hand.] Need some help? [He helps her up.]
Zoe: [Flirts, adjusting her hair] Thanks. [They shake hands] I'm Zoe. [giggles]
Les: Oh, crap!
Leo: What is it son?
Les: [Standing] Bull crap!
Leo: [irritated] No, seriously. What is it?
Les: Literally, dad, I landed in some crap! [Laugh track. Les looks around in frustration. Mark hands him a towel and Les wipes off his hands before bumping Zoe out of the way.] Hi. I'm Les.
Mark: [Refusing to shake Les' hand because it's covered in crap.] Hi, Les.
[Cut to Marta [Mary McDonnell] coming out the farmhouse. She carries a pie plate.]
Marta: Leo! You're early!
Mark: [Enthusiastic] Mom, is that pie!
Marta: [Hugging Leo while balancing the pie] It sure is honey!
Mark: All right!
Les: That's bad news.
Zoe: Why?
Les: Anywhere people get that excited about pie? It's got to be boring as hell.
Mark: Not if it's good pie!
[laugh track]
Marta: Mark loves pie.
Les: I bet they don't even have a symphony here!
Mark: A what?
Zoe: [Jumps in front of Mark, flinging her hair back] I can make pie!
Mark: My mom's pie is the best!
Zoe: [Crestfallen]
Les: [To Zoe] A momma's boy. You've got your work cut out for you.
Zoe: Shut up!
Marta: Doris made it.
Mark: [Crestfallen] Doris?
Zoe: [Worried] Doris? Who's Doris?
[Marta Hands the pie to Mark who takes it very reluctantly. He peeks under the hand towel covering the pie. It's completely black. Mark looks like his dog just died. Laugh track]
Mark: You let her bake again?
Zoe: I can make pie!
[laugh track]
Leo: Who's Doris?
Marta: Oh, just this homeless girl I found by the side of the road.
[laugh track]
[Cut to the farmhouse. Goofy music plays. Doris [Erica Durance] stands in the doorway wearing an apron and hot mitts. She's covered in soot and her hair is wild.]
Doris: Hey guys!
Leo: Where is she staying?
Mark: [Irritated] My room.
Zoe: [Disappointed] Damn!
Les: [To Zoe] Heh. You really do have your work cut out for you!
Zoe: Shut up!
Mark: I've been sleeping on the couch.
Zoe: [to Les] Heh! [Fake sympathy to Mark] That's too bad.
Les: Is there nowhere for us to sleep?
Zoe: [Grabbing Mark's hand and looking at Leo] I can sleep on the couch!
[laugh track]
Leo: Don't worry, I bought one of the local Scottish castles. We're all going to live together there.
Les: A Scottish castle in podunk? That's so lame! We'll be a laughing stock!
Mark: I like castles.
Zoe: Me too!
Doris: Guess what!
Marta: What dear?
Doris: I made everybody dinner!
Marta: [Smiling weakly] That's nice dear.
[Doris goes back inside.]
Zoe: I'd like a look around. [To Mark] Will you take me?
Mark: [Unsure] Um...
Marta: Show her around, OK sweetie? [Firm] Just don't take her in the you know where.
[The sound of an explosion. Show smoke coming out the door and windows of the farm house]
Doris: [Heard from inside] Opps. Mrs. Kant!
[laugh track]
Marta: I better go help her. [Rushes off.]
[Mark and Zoe start to walk]
Les: [Pulls out a Blackberry] Great. No service. You can't even get blackberry here!
Leo: [Looking down at Les' feet] Actually son, I think you found some.
Les: [Looking down with disgust.] Crap!
[laugh track]
[Mark and Zoe walk off hand in hand. Zoe whispers in Mark's ear.]
Mark: I don't know. My mom told me I shouldn't show it to anybody...
Leo: Zoe!
Zoe: [Reluctantly turning to face Leo] Yes, dad?
Leo: Stay out of the storm cellar unless you're invited!
Zoe: [Embarrassed] Dad!
Leo: You heard me.
Zoe: Fine! [Turns to go with Mark] I can't believe that bastard is my father!
ED: So... what did you think? Isn't it great?!?!
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